Scanner : highs and lows

Scanner Highs and Lows: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 17:41:00 GMT

And we looked at plenty of pictures last week...

Highs:

We contemplated the idea of getting a sugar daddy to help us through this difficult economic time and realized it's not the worst idea in the world.

Scanner Brian shared the secrets of a happy marriage (not that he has one... yet).

And then he showed us how to make a baby.

And then he showed us some topless pictures of Jessica Biel.

We considered entering the Miss Fag Hag Pageant.

Umm... Viagra FTW?

The Hipster Grifter (and her boobs) made our week a little more exciting.

Lows:

Mischa Barton almost had another something slip, but thankfully did not.

We did some online dating. Well, some online message receiving.

But at least none of the messages were from this douchebag.

We took a quick glimpse into the industry of female orgasm making.

We visited some old (read: unemployed) friends.

We wondered if Miss California is a Mormon.

Is The Hoff cheating on us???

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Happened Before This One That We Know is Now Over

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Pardon our tardiness wrapping up the highs and lows of last week, but we were living Planes, Trains and Automobiles 2.0. After eleven hours each in two different airports, a four-hour Greyhound bus ride and an eleven-hour drive, we finally made it to Austin, where we're blogging from South by Southwest Interactive. Today we'll check out all the sexy panels, until then, here's what happened last week.

Highs:

Scanner Brian (along with his buddies at FOXNews) made us feel a little better about our badonkadonks.

Because FOXNews is all about giving us more reasons to have sex.

And so does ABC News.

We love that Paul Rudd loves to get nekkid.

What happens when our favorite show from childhood collides with one of our favorite shows from adulthood? Utter necrophiliac hilarity.

We became a little more open minded about dating people with kids.

National Abortion Provider Appreciation Day made us happy.

We got a second chance at finding a mopey lover at Smiths Speed Dating.

We made a lot of condom-hating men happy when we reported on a study that said a straight shot of semen can treat female depression.

Lows:

Abstinence-Only Education Day did not.

Neither did this little girl.

We worried, momentarily, that Scanner Brian would be out of a job.

But as long as he can recognize that Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man, he's safe here at Scanner.

New Jersey is about to get a lot more bush.

We considered leaving Bristol Palin alone. And then decided against it.

We were reminded, yet again, how complicated all that getting married bullshit can be.

But maybe if someone loved us this much...

We couldn't get that damn McDonald's jingle out of our heads.

We were a little disappointed with our first condom vending machine purchase.

P Diddy TMI alert!

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to the Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We can hardly believe it either (and don't worry: our precious pussy is still alive and well).

Highs:

We can only hope to age as well as these women.

And that we'll be as ballsy as this one when we hit that age.

We saw Keith Richards whip it out. Sort of.

We had way too much fun with Wikipedia audio.

And with Google image search.

We found out newest volunteer project.

This guy (or gal) Twat the best.

We learned that human breast milk tastes just like or better than cow milk when put in delicious cupcakes.

This was after we discussed whether or not one should suckle it.

And quite possibly the most important high of all: we are no longer on the road to becoming a crazy cat lady.

Lows:

Our vaginas cringed.

We learned even more about why we're so bad at dating.

Tonya Harding came back into our lives. (But did she ever really leave?)

Apparently not too many of us are having regular sex.

And if we keep reading shit like this, we'll never want to have sex again.

Especially if online porn is dying.

Since when was "bobbit" a verb?

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We've Never Been So Glad It's Friday

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:30:00 GMT

We're closing down shop a little early today because we've reached that point in the week when we can no longer put words together. Well, we reached it a few hours ago and realized, 'hey, we have a job that allows us to drink while we work,' so that helped us put these words together. A little. Also, this picture is the first thing that's made us laugh all day, so shut up.

Highs:

We made a promise that we will keep if you can provide the right conditions.

This made us laugh. Out loud.

So did this guy.

We learned that dating is not dead.

We considered moving to California.

While Scanner Brian considered moving to Maine.

And Scanner Colleen decided she won't be moving to Jamaica any time soon.

And he asked who should pay on a first date.

We found out there was a nip slip at the Oscars after all (and we have the one picture to prove it).

You were as confused and strangely pleased by this video as we were.

We discussed Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Lows:

Scanner Brian made us realize, yet again, how lucky we are not to have a penis of our own to play with.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We (hopefully only temporarily) lost our boner for Seth Rogen.

We found out we have some serious competition.

Scanner Brian told us something we probably could have told us if he'd ever bothered to ask.

We were forced to think about Rush Limbaugh for the first time in a long time.

We misspelled the name of a prosthetic dog testicle company. Oops.

We learned that perhaps it's time to mess with Texas.

We developed a healthy fear of household appliances.

The Crazy Baby Lady got an offer to do porn.

Then a counter offer not to.

We wondered if we had a dating problem or a drinking problem. (We think we know the answer now, thanks).

And then we found the last thing in the world we need.

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Will The Real Fake Fakers Please Stand Up?

Emily Farris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 00:33:00 GMT

You know it's a good week when real vampires get pissed off at fake vampires... or is it real fake vampires getting pissed at fake fake vampires?

Highs:

We found our new favorite man-boy band.

Our token Canadian helped us celebrate President's Day.

So did Scanner Colleen.

We laughed so hard at Sir Mix-a-Lot's Photoshop we almost peed our pants (okay, maybe we did a little).

We were validated, yet again, in our Crazy Cat Ladydom.

We also feel a lot better about that nervous breakdown we had at the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

We totally crushed on Playboy's newest play boy.

We looked at Kate Moss semi-naked and got a little jeal-jeal of her cute little tats.

We went shopping.

We discussed our girl parts, twice.

We fell in love with LOVE.

We need you to put a baby in us. Right now.

Lows:

Now we know how we do not want to die.

Looks like somebody's putting Johnny in a corner.

We found another beard we simply cannot endorse.

We recalled, for the umpteenth time, how we lost our virginity.

We learned that we are not unique.

Apparently, we cannot earn Weight Watchers activity points for sex.

We learned that fake fake vampires are pissing off real fake vampires.

We bid a fond farewell to Con-nan O'Briaaaaaahhhn.

And a bittersweet farewell to a crazy-ass chimp.

We don't want to be Obama's elf.

Barbie got even skinnier.

But this might be worse than all that.

Scanner Highs and Lows: All Aboard the Crazy Train

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:26:00 GMT

We would like to thank the Crazy Baby Lady, Christian Bale, the cutter, Paula Deen and numerous others for making us feel a little more sane this week.

Highs:

We had the best workout ever, well, considering we haven't had sex in months.

When we finally do have sex, we'd like it to be with this bearded man.

Scanner Brian gave it to us.

Andy Dick made us feel better about that time we threw up in a cab.

And the Crazy Baby Lady made us feel better about being a crazy cat lady.

In fact, we're not all that crazy at all.

We found our new idol.

That is if we didn't already.

We defended Jennifer Aniston even though we're just not that into her.

We're not a big fan of the LOL. But this video made us LOL.

Speaking of videos, we think we found our calling.

Lows:

Our meager boobs hurt just looking at this.

We had to start thinking about Valentine's Day.

We're going to get wrinkled and go bald. Soon, apparently.

If we don't die of sex cancers first.

If we die of sex cancers, we'd like to be buried in this.

Christian Bale's roid rage came to a head.

The music died. Again.

We're pretty sad we missed the Smiths' Speed Dating, which was four doors down from our old apartment.

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:41:00 GMT

A cure for AIDS? A black president? Pregnant men? The ability to put our own faces inside of our vaginas? Welcome to the future, baby.

Highs:

Did German doctors discover a cure for HIV? Or was it AIDS?

Speaking of the future, it is now possible to have our own face inside our own vagina.

The pregnant man is pregnant again... yay?

Scanner Brian and his cronies pulled a prank on New York.

Men, you can keep it up longer with a little help from a spray... as long as you don't mind the fact that you won't be able to feel your penis.

But post-menopausal women can now feel everything thanks to a new gel.

Didn't you know we like it from behind?

Lows:

We got in a fight with some Mormons over Proposition 8.... over Facebook.

We decided we're leaving New York.

Is this our future?

Either way, it's a damn good thing we wear cheap underwear.

Poor Lindsay Lohan is still confused about her sexuality.

Feet. Gross.

We debated the attractiveness of certain celebrities.

Oh, and we lost the Obama interview to 60 Minutes.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Is there anything scarier than thinking that Elisabeth Hasselbeck might win?

Highs:

We remembered most of what we learned in the fifth grade.

And if that's not enough of a time suck...

We realized we live in a pretty sexy neighborhood.

We were more proud of our home state than we've ever been.

We looked at some rad art.

Bra recycling, anyone?

More girls said "yes" to Obama.

We proposed to Ryan Gosling (and still haven't heard back).

We got some shit on John McCain. We think.

We like vaginas made out of just anything, so what?

Lows:

We learned that Google's Mail Goggles are of no use to us anymore.

After all of the great Fey-Palin skits, SNL had a huge fail.

We wondered if we're bad feminists.

Did we actually, finally overload on cute?

Um, no.

We were totally fucking disenfranchised.

We realized that we were relegated to a life of being the crazy cat lady a long, long time ago.

We remembered what fun dressing up as a couple can be.

We presented you with a very scary choice.

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Might Still Be Hungover From the Best Party Ever

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Highs:

Turns out we clean up pretty nice.

And party pretty hard.

Lolcats came to life!

We continuted to advocate for beards.

We tried to get you to buy our book.

After a lot of bad celebrity comparisons, we finally got a good one.

We found our favorite Halloween costume ever.

News stories don't really get better than this.

We finally figured out Proposition 8.

Lows:

We got a glimpse of what life could be like if McCain and Palin win on November 4.

At least we're not as desperate as this lady. Yet.

We were supposed to be upset by this poster, apparently. But we weren't.

Yikes. Reversing circumcision?

Some asshole Photoshopped nude photos of Obama's mother.

Then the gays endorsed McCain.

Well, right after Al Qaeda did.

Image by Nikola Tamindzic/Home of the Vain.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is It Really Ever About Anything But Boobs?

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 21:25:00 GMT

What you don't know yet is that our mom flashed our friends at our book party...

Highs:

We wrote a book!

And if it doesn't sell well, we may have found a way to get through the economic crisis.

We looked at boobs, natch.

And then we put our Barack where our boobs are.

Is it actually possible we'll stop drinking and emailing?

Instead of punching you in the face next time you say "that's so gay," we now have a short video to show you.

When most people get $6 million book deals, we hate them; we're happy about this one.

You still have time to win some free shit.

We actually agreed with one of those "sexiest women alive" lists.

Crazy cat ladies, you're not alone!

Lows:

We decided we like Madonna again. For a little while, at least.

Sarah Palin told us that she and Jesus and mosquitoes will save the world together, while wearing sparkles.

And we thought we needed to hide those elementary school pictures.

We also thought our mom was crazy for flashing our friends at our book party; boy, were we wrong.

Scanner Brian missed it because he left to watch the debates.

This kid made us sad for the world.

Fuck.

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We're This Close to Losing it to Sarah Palin

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:29:00 GMT

In a month we'll either get to stop hearing about Sarah Palin forever or we'll be stuck hearing about her for four years. It kind-of feels like that time when you decide you're ready to lose your virginity and just need to find someone to lose it to. You know it's either going to be really great or really terrible, but you just need it to happen already... Right? Anyone?

Highs:

We may have found a man to keep us warm this winter.

And if it doesn't work out with that guy, we might still have a chance with Michael Cera.

If we get really desperate, we got hit on by this guy (even though they guy thought we were Sarah Palin).

We finally got our hands on the Sarah Palin swimsuit competition video.

We were on the local news, and this time there were no microwave dinners in sight.

We heard that Anne Hathaway liked anal. Then that she didn't. Then you told us you like Anal Anne better.

Lows:

We were forced to think of Hugh Hefner as a classy man (damn you, Joe "Boobies" Francis!).

We got in trouble for showing peen and had to take it down. Sorry.

We let ourselves be momentarily amused by Rachael Ray.

We had to listen to Sarah Palin talk for a really long time.

And we saw her nude. Sort of.

This guy gave us nightmares.

We lost a sweet, wonderful, beautiful man.

Scanner Highs and Lows: This Week Was So Gay

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:32:00 GMT

Highs:

Clay AIken finally came out. And now he's so much cooler.

We think Lindsay Lohan finally came out, too. Even if it was accidental.

We saw the funniest video we've seen in a long, hard time.

McCain fucked up.

Our favorite band is our favoriter band. Huh?

Chocolate chip cookie dough covered cupcakes.

We learned what a woman is really supposed to look like. We think. Maybe.

We talked about some things that needed to be discussed, even if it pissed a few people off.

Lows:

John McCain made us feel a little better about our spending habit.

We drank too much.

We crushed on someone far too young for us.

We got way too excited about our period.

We found a "sex blogger" who's less sexy than we are.

We haven't been asked out on a date in ten months, so we're considering this guy.

[image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Narrowly Avoided Getting Sunburned Nipples

Emily Farris — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Don't worry. No nipples were harmed in the compiling of this list...

Highs:

We grew quite fond of Diablo Cody.

We crushed hard. Which reminded us of a hard fall.

We obsessed over an old flame.

We learned our Sarah Palin baby name.

Something we already knew was confirmed for us.

We learned how to stop manboobs before they happen.

We decided once and for all we're perfectly fine with our pasty, white skin.

Lows:

We saw some nipples we don't care much about.

We watched Kim Kardashian's sex tape.

Who knew a simple blog post could give us the heebeegeebees? No really.

We wondered if the secret to keeping a man is to get the same hairstyle he has?

We decided we'll never wear pink again.

Y'all got your panties in an uproar over something we re-posted in jest (and obviously don't endorse) Talk about shooting the messenger.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us.

Highs:

We learned to love Matt Damon. A little.

We helped spread some rumors about the Palin kids. And that was fun.

We did what we could to help the giant penis man.

We got super sappy over Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding video.

We just can't get enough Photoshopped pictures of Republicans.

We found the most ~~inappropriate~~ amazing slide ever.

We know what you're getting for Christmas.

We learned some new ways to talk about masturbation.

Lows:

Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan reminded us that yesterday was September 11. And then it got worse.

We learned the war on sex may last longer than the war in Iraq.

We were completely overwhelmed with nude pictures of Sarah Palin.

We saw our future flash before our eyes, and devised a plan to change it.

Minnie Driver still won't tell us who her baby daddy is. But we have some ideas on the subject.

We sold out on our local Fox station.

[Image]

Scanner Highs And Lows: Toplessness On Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 21:27:00 GMT

This week we highlighted the world's growing insanity, lawlessness, and love for full-on nude parades...

Highs:

We got away with having a pair of topless women in a hot tub... in a gallery's window.

We made celebrity memoirs a lot more readable by doctoring their imagined covers.

Some loser "families" thought a bunch of topless women on motorcycles was somehow "inappropriate." We showed them what was what.

We encouraged you to have an affair with our husband.

We found out we're STFree.

We did some ogling of the lovers of celebrities.

We ogled a Japanese porn sensation. A 73-year-old Japanese porn sensation.

Lows:

We lamented the loss of nudity in Cosmo.

Larry King got wasted. At least he didn't make a sex tape.

Amy Winehouse can't handle her liquor either.

We debated the worst model-turned-actress's performance.

We marked the death of a relationship.

And we're ashmed of ourselves for laughing at John Mayer... and TMZ. Wait, we're really not...

Previously:

Sloppy Seconds: The Million-Dollar Strip Club Buy

Scanner Highs and Lows: Is That a Hot Dog in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Us?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 20:35:00 GMT

Because we're happy to see you, too...

Oh, sorry. We were actually talking to the hot dog. We're really excited to see the hot dog. Aren't you? That's why we'll keep this highs and lows business short this short week.

Highs:

We began our countdown of the 50 sexiest albums you must own (50-41, 40-31, 30-21, 20-11)

We learned why our areolas are so pale.

We learned that sex is really good for you. And can even save your life.

Lows:

We crushed on Pete Wentz (and his huge penis!).

We let ourselves get involved in a celebrity clusterfuck.

We finally found one part of our body we never want to get tattooed.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which Our Minds Are Blown

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:27:00 GMT

Bleebloobloop. So much happened this week our brains are on overload. We're about to crash. Go see for yourself what we mean.

Highs:

We saw lots of boobies at the Mermaid Parade.

Is there anything better than the Princess Bride lightsaber battle?

Possibly only the Pipecleaner Dance.

A stranded hiker used her bra to save her own life.

We had a little visit from our old friend Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

We composed a haiku or two for our old friend Salon Sarah Hepola.

This two-legged dog may be the cutest thing we saw all week.

Unless you consider Ayveq, the masturbating walrus, cute. R.I.P. Ayveq.

Bears strutted their stuff on the runway in Milan. Grrr!

Part of us wants to be just like these "manly" Albanian women when we grow up.

DMX told it like it is.

There could be hope for Scanner Emily's boobs, after all.

Haha. He said "balls."

Lows:

George Carlin, who was fucking hottie back in the day, died Sunday.

We had a little disagreement about Amy Winehouse looking good. We should have been more clear. She looked good for Amy Winehouse.

Is there anything scarier than the world's ugliest dog?

Possibly only the world's largest cockroach (in Scanner Emily's bedroom at 3 a.m.).

We discussed the Supreme Court's ruling that the death penalty cannot be used on rapists who do not commit murder.

Sorry we lied to you about becoming an escort service.

Mini Me made a sex tape.

Image via Scanner Brian's flickr.

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Was All About The Ladies

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 23:03:00 GMT

Well, it was about all of the ladies but one, and we were pretty okay with that. But seriously, if you like ladies, you'll love this week's Highs and Lows.

Highs:

Scanner Emily finally met and then got a booty call from ~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah.

We finally understand what trust is.

Bob Dylan commented on a presidential election for probably the first time in our lifetime.

We found a new TV show about sex to obsess over.

Babeland is one step closer to Scanner Nicole, one giant step closer to a bunch of babies.

We watched a totally fucking hot Dita Von Teese striptease. A Dita Von Tease?

We agreed to show Jon Lajoie our girl parts.

2 Girls, 1 Cup birthday cake. Need we say more? Except we'd be totally down for 2 Girls, 1 Cake.

The "Sex and the City" movie made a pretty penny.

We clicked for boobies, but you should continue to do so.

We learned Scanner readers have big hearts: as of Friday afternoon, 53% of you wanted to comfort Lily Allen by sporking her.

We also learned that Scanner readers have not only a good knowledge of viruses and their plural forms but that you have good taste as well: as of Friday afternoon 88% of you would rather have chicken pox in your vagina than a Rachael Ray tattoo on your back (whew.)

Scanner Brian was really nice to Hillary Clinton.

And we saluted her.

Lows:

In the end, Clinton lost the Democratic nomination. Probably a high for the party, but a low for the Clintons (though we bet Bill is a little secretly relieved).

But we celebrated the women's vote.

Scanner Bryan left us for an Island.

We were a little saddened to hear a woman say that women can't cook and fuck well.

But this made us even sadder for women.

We asked you to help us figure out what the hell is up with all the springtime break-ups. But we still don't really know.

The man who put women in sexy pants died in France.

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Consider Prancing Around in Stripper Shoes to Survive the Recession

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:01:00 GMT

It was a long, cold winter and nothing says fuck me (and tip me) like a pair of stripper shoes, right?

Highs:

We got to look at naked, bearded, burly men.

We crushed on vegetarians even though we obviously love meat.

We have so many feelings about the new 90210 we're not sure whether it goes in highs or lows.

We cyber-visited the Icelandic Penis Museum.

We looked at some old pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

We learned you really, really love Jon Stewart. And Stephen Colbert, too. Just not as much.

We briefly considered purchasing a pair of stripper shoes.

This woman is probably going to have some seriously swollen breasts—a small price to pay for saving so many lives with them.

Ellen Degeneres very politely made John McCain look like an ass (who really didn't look like he believed in what he was saying, right?)

Lows:

For the first time in our lives, the New Kids on the Block let us down. But only just a little.

Um, did Mike Huckabee encourage shooting Barack Obama?

The Father-Daughter Purity Ball really freaked us out.

Apparently Hulu.com is too pure to allow embedding at Nerve.com.

We learned that R. Kelly's sex tape was set to the tune of the Backstreet Boys and the Spice Girls.

And that he's probably going to jail.

We're glad we had no part in this date.

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: We See London, We See France, We See Everyone's Everything

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Spring must really be in the air, because we saw everybody's everything this week—including some we wish we hadn't.

Highs:

We found a way for you to claim your wang name.

This boy saw some girl parts in the White House basement.

We saw this woman's ginormous breasts. And she wants to make them bigger.

We saw a reproduction of Bea Arthur's boobs in celebration of Bea Day (a high for some, a low for others).

We think Miley Cyrus cleaned up her image by gucking up her upper lip.

These big parts are worth some big dough.

We were so close to seeing this woman's areolas.

We saw Angelina Jolie's glorious, uh, twins.

We sure did see Lily Allen's boobs.

Lows:

We wished long and hard we had not seen the parts of this man that we saw.

Animal rape was caught on tape.

If you show us your nipples, we'll measure them.

We got a little too intimate with a tree.

Researchers discovered what we knew all along: getting drunk leads to getting nekkid.

School administration saw way too much of this girl and kicked her out of prom.

Naomi Watts tried unsuccessfully to cover up her nipples.

We should not have seen this doll's boy parts. But we did.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Disappointment?

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 May 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Seriously, we thought we were going to get fingerbanged and then we didn't. How do you think our week went?

Highs:

We learned that people who have more money than we do dress a lot worse than we do.

Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson performed together.

We learned that you'd rather do Chrissie Hynde than Madonna.

The Top 10 Teen Pop Stars made us laugh and cry.

We learned how to make our own dildo cam.

Our suspicions about Star Wars were confirmed. Maybe.

Lows:

We were really, really disappointed by National Fingerbang day. Really fucking disappointed.

We were pretty disappointed by Scarlett Johansson's music video.

We were disappointed when Akon and T-Pain didn't invite us to this awesome lunch.

Miley Cyrus and her dad got a little too close for our comfort.

So did Hulk Hogan and his daughter.

We were very scared by the Montana Meth Project.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Can You Say Boobies? No? How About Boobs?

Emily Farris — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 21:49:00 GMT

Maybe it's the warm weather, but we definitely experienced more boobs than usual this week. Let's make a little game out of it and see how many times we can use "boob" or "boobs" in one post.

Highs:

You can now see a re-enactment of Ashley Alexandra Dupree's boobs working their magic.

We saw Mischa Barton's boobs.

We rounded up the Top 10 Celebrity Pets, which is equal to a whole lotta nipples. And to have nipples, you have to have boobs, right?

We'd love Dolly Parton even if she didn't have giant boobs.

This model's boobs are nice, but it's her hair we really love.

We learned that what you eat could possibly determine whether or not your baby will develop boobs.

We learned that Jessica Simpson's boobs "are like plucked guinea hens, undercooked and overstuffed."

Lows:

Scanner Brian did not enjoy seeing Neve Campbell's boobs.

Bill O'Reilly was being a boob over almost seeing Miley Cyrus's boobs.

A politician showed some boobs to high school students.

John McCain doesn't really care if those with boobs get paid as much as those without boobs.

Soon we won't have anything to hold our boobs up with if people keep stealing bras.

We were confused by The Open Source Boob Project.

We don't buy these boobs.

Boobs.

Was anyone counting? How may times did we say "boobs?"

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We can't think of anything in the world that compares to getting finger banged at summer camp. So we'll leave it at that sweet, sweaty, sticky thought. The rest of the stuff that happened this week is after the jump.

Highs:

We visited a brothel.

We wrote a dirty story.

We found the greatest porn poster ever.

And quite possibly the trailer for the greatest biopic David Lynch never made.

Desmond Tutu did it with the gays.

We got finger banged at summer camp. By someone famous!

Cindy McCain got sporked. By you!

We agreed we like our women with a little meat on their bones. Even our beauty queens.

We learned that Bill O'Reilly is maybe, almost funny. In an asshole kind of way.

We almost saw Ellen Page's boobs.

Lows:

We almost saw Ellen Page's boobs.

We were offline for a while.

We kind-of hated the blogosphere for a minute, but then we realized we might just be tired of Madonna.

We found our next career move, and no, it's not hooking.

Brad Pitt got kind-of ugly.

This guy creeped us out.

We visited the Museum of Broken Relationships, and shed a few tears.

Our Crush of the Week died.

Scanner Highs and Lows: It Hurts So Good

Emily Farris — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:44:00 GMT

This week was all about intensity, good, bad and, uh, injected.

First a recap of last Friday night:

High:

Scanner Bryan got touched by an Angel.

Low:

Scanner Emily busted her ass rollerskating, and broke her wrist.

Now for the rest of the week:

Highs:

We drank 40's in the bathtub.

We got engaged. But just for the health insurance. OK, just for the camera.

We decided we like our G-spots just the way they are, thank you very much.

We can die happy: New Kids on the Block are reuniting. Step One: we can have lots of fun. Step Two: There's so much we can do.

We thought about getting cultural; whether we actually will is another story.

We found the greatest Rickroll ever, and almost sat through the entire thing.

Lows:

We almost, maybe, crushed on Lindsay Lohan. But just for a second.

Have we really had Sweedish boob overload?

Is this the future of our country? Worse yet, is this?

We learned we have no memory of dolphins.

Richard Simmons ~~humped~~ helped Jimmy Kimmell. Both were wearing short shorts.

If that's really Giselle, we're really bummed.

Image via imagehost.vendio.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: It's All About You, And Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 22:13:00 GMT

We like to think that in addition to showing you pictures of boobs, we're doing a public service here at Scanner. We want you to get dates and have sex and look at great pictures... of many things.

Highs:

The UCLA Undie Run, of course.

Helen Mirren "promotes healthy nudity." Yes she does.

We found out you'd rather watch Kristen Davis' sex tape than Lindsay Lohan's.

And you'd probably still do Jamie Lee Curtis, even at 50.

Scanner Emily found her reason for living. And yes, it has a beard.

We learned what angels sound like when they masturbate.

We learned we're pretty great at Photoshopping. Don't you think?

We want you to draw pictures of prostitutes.

We tried to help Internet geeks get women in the real world, too.

We found out we might be totally normal for liking to sniff our partners' underarms.

Lows:

We experienced some weddings from Hell.

We don't really dig Miss Bimbo. Which probably makes us feminazis.

We admitted to loving Julia Allison and "Men in Trees."

We're a little ashamed that these kids who celebrated the end of their term with a giant orgy are our heroes.

Live Links commercial: a low for Evangeline Lilly, a high for those of us hating on Kate right now.

South Park just didn't come through with the boobage.

They did, however, kill Britney Spears. And we laughed at it.

Amy Winehouse's face scared us. Almost as much as this baby doll did.

Image via pacificdave.com

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

In our lifetimes many boobs will come and go. But every once in a while a pair like no other comes along (and, no, they don't belong to Ashley Alexandra Dupre). And just like that, they're gone.

Highs:

New New York Governor David Paterson was up-front with the public about his past extra-martial affairs. And we totally respect that.

We found out you'd rather have sex with a real girl from New Jersey than a prostitute. But just barely.

We have a plan for that girl from New Jersey.

Spring came! And we celebrated by looking at some skin.

Facebook taught us that Mom was right all along.

We learned that every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now online.

We had a little too much fun when Fox News online momentarily lost its shit.

Barack Obama impressed us again. Yes, we're biased.

Lows:

We were disturbed by the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Rubber Fisting Mitten among other things.

We said goodbye to Halle Berry's glorious pregnancy breasts.

We also said goodbye to Asia Argento's golden years.

We laughed at someone else's misfortune: droopy ass implants.

We were reminded that it's been five years since the Iraq war began. Even though America just isn't that into Iraq.

Two (count them: one, two) kind-of important people died.

Scanner Nicole made us look at Katie Holmes' gnarly toes.

We had The Plauge.