Scanner : hilarious

Man Has Sex With A Soda Bottle... With Unpredictable Results

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:44:00 GMT

Big thanks to Scanner Colleen, who found this godforsaken story in the Strait Times, of all sources. Its other top story last night is entitled "What do teens do online?" (First line: "IF TEENAGE girls are online, chances are they are chatting with someone.")

Yesterday, we brought you another entry in our exclusive, frightening series "Things Not to Fuck," with entry #245: A Pine Cone. We decided this story was just too bizarre to be relegated to a filing system and so... without further ado... at your own risk, of course...

Here's the entire story, direct from the magical land of Singapore:

A SINGAPOREAN died of heart failure after his genital became stuck in a soft drink bottle, reported Sin Chew Daily and China Press.
The incident happened when the 77-year-old man used the bottle to engage in a sexual activity.
China Press reported that the senior citizen got his private part into the bottle and only sought help after his genital could not be dislodged from the bottle despite trying various ways.
Doctors tried to alleviate the man's suffering by cutting the bottle below the neck but to no avail. An inflammation later set in causing him to be unable to urinate.
His misadventure later led to other medical complications causing his death.

Wait, China Press reported on this? Even American media didn't cover it. (Cue Republicans to complain, somehow, about how Obama is turning us into a "socialist" state.)

By the way, we're not sure if the paramedics tried draining all the blood from his erect penis, much as they were able to successfully in our story Thing #387 Not to Fuck: A Hong Kong Bench. In any case, this might be the most horrible death we've heard of since... well, that guy who had an office chair explode and kill him through his ass. But at least that was a relatively quick end...

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Idiot At Fox Degrades Sexual Abuse Victims With Her Politicking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:04:00 GMT

Just about every line of this Fox News clip is hilarious. It's hard to top the opening line, with its incredibly twisted take on why a government inquiry is going on. (They "may make a play [for a company] if it doesn't like the way it's doing business. Huh?" Right-- we should have just let Enron and WorldCom get away with everything-- got it, Fox.)

Then this bonehead comes on and, at the end of this video, makes an analogy involving sexual abuse that's so out of ~~left~~ right field, it's enough to offend anyone who's ever been sexually abused. Congrats, Fox, a new low in political blows.

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Sacha Baron Cohen Tries to Seduce Ron Paul, Hilarity Ensues

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 19:31:00 GMT

The Bruno movie doesn't come out in July, but thanks to the internet, much of the jokes have already been ruined.

First, there was the whole gay Arkansas wrestling match. Then, that airport runway show. And rumor after rumor... until now.

Last night, the new Sacha Baron Cohen previewed at SXSW in a 20-minute version and Twitter twits have been spoiling the story all day. Meanwhile, Slate reports on a Los Angeles screening, which featured the entire director's cut and this instant-classic scene in which Sacha Baron Cohen attempts to seduce Ron Paul in the most hilarious way imaginable...

...Bruno gets the idea that you have to make a sex tape to become famous. (Stop reading here if you want to see the movie unspoiled.)

...Bruno sits across from Ron Paul. ...a light blows out on the set. Bruno apologizes for the technical difficulties and suggests that he and Paul wait in the other room while the crew fixes the light.

The other room, it turns out, is a bedroom. The lighting is low, and the film is now grainy.... There's a spread of Champagne and strawberries and caviar on a table.

Bruno tells Paul to make himself comfortable. Paul sits down on the bed. Bruno turns on some music and starts dancing. Paul is visibly uneasy but doesn't say anything at first. He picks up a newspaper and pretends to read it. "You can tell at each weird gay detail, he [chalks] it up to, This guy is European," says one of the attendees.

Finally, Paul asks what's going on. "Don't worry about it, Dr. Paul," says Bruno, who then unbuckles his belt and drops his pants. At that point, Paul snaps up and storms out of the room.

As Paul is walking away, you can hear him say, several times, something like, "This guy is a queer!" "The word queer comes out of his mouth three or four times," says an attendee. [Slate]

But one blogger rebuts the Slate story:

When Ron Paul came on screen the majority of the audience cheered, clapped, and hollered. The Slate article was inaccurate regarding Ron Paul's scene however. When Bruno pulled his pants down, Paul jumped up and tried to leave the bedroom, but was blocked by Bruno. Paul yelled, "Get out of here," and pushed him aside... he said something to the effect of, "That guy's queerer than blazes." [LRC Blog]

There may be no way of knowing for sure until a) someone leaks the bootleg (soon, we hope!) or b) Larry Charles finally sends us the promised advance screener.

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Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

Instead of an obvious career in modeling or as a child star, McKay Hatch, a 14-year-old boy in California, decided to start a high school group called "No Cussing." Their pledge caught on, quickly garnering over 100 students. When the internet campaign began, the whole country, including Dr. Phil and Good Morning America, took notice. Their message of clean speech eventually spread all over the world, and peaked recently at 10,000 members.

But then the rest of the internet, the pranksters and redditors and Farkers, decided Hatch's campaign needed some pizzazz...

Go fuck yourself.
What the fuck are you doing?
Bullshit.

These are just three of the many thousands of hate mail messages Hatch has received since the word got out. Pizzas will arrive at his house at all hours, the phone rings all night long with prank callers. Best yet, the porn magazines consistently fill up Hatch's mailbox.

What do you think? Is this kid asking for it-- saying some words are "wrong"-- or does he have a valid issue here?

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Presenting High Heeled Shoes... For Babies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 12:50:00 GMT

We're seriously not making this up. And we have pictures of this weirdness to prove it...

Sure, these are "fake" high heels in the sense that they have a squishy heel ("for safety reasons," as one of the designers put it), but we're still baffled that someone thought it was acceptable to have zero to six month old babies stumbling about in shoes with a stubbed dangling heel attached to them. And yes, they are deliberately geared to that exact age group. (Oh, and if, as the designers claim, they actually do fully flatten underneath, then what's the point? Do parents enjoy seeing their daughters crawl along the floor in heels? Reminds us too much of "Secretary" for our taste...)

Admittedly, this would be much worse if the "Heel-arious" shoes (yep, that's the actual name of the company) were just smaller versions of what long-suffering women wear everyday, but do we really want to damage our kids and their feet with this kind of thing so early on?

Perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Their website is so goofy and tries so desperately to empahsize its own harmlessness that it may, in fact, not be a completely terrible idea:

Extremely funny, completely soft shoes for babies
0-6 months designed to look like high heels
Not intended for walking (heel will collapse with weight).
Not intended to harm children in any way.

WARNING: May cause extreme smiling and hysterical laughter when in use (this is completely normal).

Honestly, probably not for the tot who has to wear them, but as long as mom's laughing her ass off, right? Oh well... if you've had a different experience, we'd love to hear about it...

Via Heelarious.

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back to dailyscanner.com

Margaret Cho Returns To TV, Sex Psychic In Tow

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Margaret Cho, one of our greatest comedians (fuck that whole "-ienne" thing), is finally ready for primetime again.

Her new VH1 half hour, "The Cho Show," which premieres on Thursday, is actually a sitcom-cum-reality show (is there any other kind of program on American TV anymore?), a departure from "All American Girl," which was basically a sketch comedy. This time, she says, it'll be "on my own terms," terms which include bringing her sex psychic along...

The Sensuous Woman starts things off with a wham-bam bang on the first episode:

“It’s like a sitcom but with real people. It’s kind of a different take on what is reality, but what is comedy, so it’s comedy, but it’s also very real and different.”

Cho has long maintained legions of gay fans, and the show is sure to be queer-friendly, including a premiere episode appearance by self-described sex psychic, Belinda Bentley. In the episode, Bentley, a lesbian, councils Cho on exorcising her “haunted vagina.” [The Southern Voice]

A haunted vagina. Already hilarious! (By the way, if you don't get the Sensuous Woman reference, it was the name of a show she staged, which took “its name from a notorious bit of vinyl someone had at some point, which was a recording of a very articulate woman during a vigorous lovemaking session.”)

Photo via Hot and Nerdy.

Don't Miss: The Icelandic Penis Museum

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:41:00 GMT

We're so excited about the Icelandic Phallological Museum that we are almost unable to get the words out fast enough:

Reuters has the story of Sigurdur Hjartarson, curator to his own

collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, [and] now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. The largest, from a sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass.

Although there are no human boners in this museum, Ol' Siggy told the media he has been contacted by a Briton, an American, a German, and an Icelander about donating their penises... when those men are deceased, of course. (We're tempted to make a joke in the "two rabbis walk into a bar" vein, but this too shall pass. We'll simply add that we wonder if those phone calls Sig received about the penis donation were not made by a couple of barely-not snickering teenagers boasting of their "sizeable donations.")

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named "Elmo" -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

Ewwwww... that's one Elmo we don't want to tickle.

Seriously, their website is unebeliveably rich in comic material and the rest of the Reuters story is delicious entertainment. Field trip, anyone?

Via Reuters: Icelandic penis museum offers long and short of male organ.

The Greatest Dive Bars: The Saturn

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:43:00 GMT

We'd love it if you reader folks would submit your favorite (area?) dive bars for our Greatest Dive Bars competition...

First up, the Saturn Bar, in a very dangerous neighborhood, severely damaged by Hurricane Katrina, called the Bywater, near the 9th Ward...

The first time we entered the Saturn, many years ago, there was a couple making out in the most hideous way imaginable, a man falling asleep sitting up at a table, an eighty-year-old man passed out on the bar with his top hat having fallen off next to his beer, and ninety-year-old man with very few teeth bartending while watching "Cool Hand Luke" on a 13" black-and-white TV. They were the sole occupants of the bar.

Our companion ordered us two Budweisers, against our will. "Dollar twenny fi'," said the ancient pourer.

"So, two-fifty?"

"No... dollar twenny-five... for the both of ya's."

That day, we played the original 45 of "House of the Rising Sun" by the Animals on a jukebox that gave you twelve plays... for a quarter. It had been there for at least forty-five years, although when we arrived last week, we found out that it had been destroyed by Hurricane Katrina.

All those amazing records, probably worth hundreds apiece, washed away like the homes surrounding the brick-made bar...

The bathroom may have actually been the highlight:

And, of course, the stories:

"This guy comes in once and he orders a Manhattan... my uncle looked at him and was just like, 'Alll right, if you say so, buddy.' Does he know where he is? Anyway, the guy who ordered it... he's gotta wait foreva... waits and waits... and finally, my uncle puts it on the bar. 'That'll be five dollas...' The guy pulls out a twenty. My uncle: 'That's it! Get outta here, you asshole!'"
"There used to be a candy machine over there... one time I put my hand in there and didn't come up with any M&M's, I tell ya... you didn't know whether you was gettin' candy or roaches."
An old man sat at the bar all night on Wednesday. He was wearing a Taking Back Sunday T-shirt.
And this... a stuffed turtle, the deceased owner/founder's favorite pet, now all lit up in neon and nailed to a beam:

Send us an e-mail or add a comment nominating your favorite dive bar(s)...

Corrected from earlier version which erroneously identified the neighborhood as the Bywater.

Photo Essay: Revenge of the Cheated

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 20:00:00 GMT

And no, that's not Scanner Emily's revenge billboard (she's even more creative than that-- although you gotta love the postscript on that one)...

After today's earlier story on a cheating politician, we wondered if there were any other boneheaded dudes who not only couldn't keep it in their pants but also got owned, publicly. Yep. Quite a few... quite a few...

That car was an ugly old Ford anyway... but this one...

...that's just fucking wrong.

Speaking of wrong, what do we think of publishing full fronto photos of the cheater in question on the internet, emphasizing their almost total lack of naughty bits?

Too late! (Don't worry, we cropped the face out here-- you know, for privacy.)

For more cathartic photos of cheaters feelin' the burn, Jackass style, check out 35 millimeter.