Scanner : hospital

While You Were Sleeping: Flirting Caused That Plane Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Hurricane Ike may have caused a baby boom in Texas.

Playboy may cut back on the number of issues it puts out every year and raise the newsstand price. A truly sad day for America.

Holy balls! Dolph Lundgren had a penis slip!

It's time we started to boycott people who boycott Pepsi for it's "pro-gay and human rights agenda."

Sounds like many of the places we've worked: seven people were hospitalized when their work refrigerator cleanup proved to be horribly toxic and stankin'.

A toilet kneeler-- and what exactly would anyone need this for?

The plane crash in Buffalo may have been caused by a middle-aged co-pilot hitting on his young female co-pilot. Oh, and the fact that the guy was basically unqualified to fly commercial planes might have been a contributing factor.

And remind us what Sarah Palin has accomplished beyond being elected Governor after running a tiny village into the ground that warrants a "memoir?"

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Thing #529 Not to F*ck: Sex Toy Attached To Power Tool

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 20:35:00 GMT

We almost passed on even reading about this bizarre story because we were 100% convinced that it was going to be completely retracted within minutes. But as the hours passed, we realized we were doing you a disservice by not burdening you with the salacious details...

Here are the unconfirmed details as they now stand:

A 27-year-old woman in Lexington Park, Maryland* was airlifted to an area hospital after severely injuring herself during a sex-romp-gone-wrong. According to the woman's boyfriend, he thought that, somehow, if he attached a dildo to a saber-saw blade, the dildo would hold and... have you stopped reading yet? We did.

All we'll say from this point forward is that the blade didn't cut through the dildo until the toy had already arrived at its intended destination. Luckily, the victim's (Soon-to-be-ex-) Boyfriend was able to dislodge the makeshift device in seconds and the woman is expected to recover, although perhaps not fully.

UPDATE: MSNBC confirms our unconfirmed details.

*By the way, why has Maryland been making a recent run at Florida for its title of the Craziest State in the Union?

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Sloppy Seconds: The Most Amazing 9-1-1 Call Ever (AUDIO)

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:50:00 GMT

Hey, geeks (or people like us?): it's National Grammar Day. [National Grammar Day]

We were totally pissed we missed this last year and we're actually considering entering this time. It's the third annual Peeps Diorama Contest! [Washington Post]

Barbie got a tramp stamp! [Jossip]

Justin Timberlake and his lady love Jessica Biel will celebrate her birthday with... George Bush? [Us]

Mariska Hargitay has been hospitalized—again!—for a collapsed lung. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood topped VenusZine's list of 25 Under 25. Also on the list: Adele, Zoe Kravitz. [VenusZine]

We know Scanner Brian mentioned this in While You Were Sleeping, but it's so good we wanted to make sure you heard it (plus, we have the audio): a woman in Florida called 9-1-1 after a McDonald's employee told her the chain had run out of chicken McNuggets. Apparently, she had already paid and wanted her money back instead of some other food. Is it bad that this woman is sort-of our hero and that we also really want chicken McNuggets right now? [The Inquisitr]

Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

Related:

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Female Reverend Banned From Preaching After Drunken Swingers Weekend

Britain's Sexual Hazing Rituals Apparently News to Some People...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

The most shocking part of this story is that parents and administrators still find it "shocking" that hazings are happening all over campus...

According to the Sun, ahead of the curve on hot button issues like Craiglist sex and vicars with potatoes up their bungholes, breaks this incredible news story over the weekend:

Education chiefs were “horrified” as girls were snapped on their hands and knees using their mouths to roll condoms on bananas hanging from boys’ trousers.
The girls belong to the Newnham Nuns — a drinking society at the all-female Newnham College.

Stop right there. There are drinking societies... at college? Why... why did we not attend Newnham College?!

[S]naps, taken last year, show an undergraduate proudly holding jugs filled with his own VOMIT while two toffs are seen frolicking with midgets dressed as Oompa-Loompas from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film. [Emphasis added by the Sun.]
Other traditional booze society ceremonies include drinking a pint of water containing a live goldfish, downing gin and port filtered through a condom and staging a mass brawl.
Hospital consultant Adrian Boyle said: “In the last ten years the number of female students coming in extremely drunk and incapable has shot up. More are being assaulted too.”

Thank you, "hospital consultant" Boyle, for playing the part of Captain Obvious today. Then again, if parents are "shocked" that gals such as the one pictured above are involved in "drinking" and "playful hazing," maybe we needed to hear from you after all...

Via the Sun.

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Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 19:45:00 GMT

About a month ago, we brought you the incredible story of the English vicar who claimed to have fallen on a potato, which managed to get stuck up his naked ass. We're not sure how you would, um, cover your ass, so to speak, with an excuse for this one...

According to the Sun (really, the only "news" source with anything interesting during this completely dead week), a woman in Romania entered the hospital with complaints of "anal itch." Just kidding, she told them flat out that an enormous can of hairspray had become lodged in her bunghole. Of course, she didn't bother to deny that the can had lodged itself there during some sort of sexual experiment:

[S]he refused to tell surgeons how the can came to be lodged in her rear even after a successful operation dislodged the canister.
Mirandolina Prisca, a doctor at the clinic, explained: "We had X-rays done to localise the object and then we carried out the operation. The patient was fine after it.
"She was very embarrassed. She was clearly in a lot of pain, however it got there."
"This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray," said one hospital worker.
And perhaps unsurprisingly the docs never got to the bottom of this medical mystery!

Don't you love how they italicize that and slap an exclamation point on the end of the sentence to emphasize their wit? Anyway, we lopped off the first part of the story, which identified the poor woman by name (isn't there any sort of doctor-patient confidentiality in that country?) However, you can check out the full scoop here.

Related:

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

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While You Were Sleeping: Kirsten Dunst Off the Deep End

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 15:49:00 GMT

A very lame-looking Jim Carrey movie based on a superior autobiography opened with a mere $18 million.

Teachers can't keep banging teenagers.

A registered sex offender volunteering at the post office is the reason the Letters to Santa operation was suspended last week. It will be up and running, in a modified version, with enough time for this week's mailings.

The brand of shoe thrown at Bush has since big numbers since the incident.

CNN killed the crawl.

Amy Winehouse is out of the hospital and back out on the streets.

Why is Saudi Arabia forcing an eight-year-old girl to remain married to a fifty-eight-year-old man?

And Kirsten Dunst is, according to the Superficial, trying "to fill the void left by Tara Reid," who recently checked into rehab.

[S]omeone has to become Hollywood's once-aspiring actress who can't keep her face out of the drink. Enter Kirsten Dunst. Here she is drunkenly leaving Bardot last night with her male companion The Cosby Sweater Bandit.

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Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:52:00 GMT

When she was admitted to the hospital, one Australian girl was described by a doctor as "the sickest girl I've ever seen" and was running a temperature of 42 degrees Celsius. (For those of you keeping score in crazy America land, that would be about 107 degrees Fahrenheit.) Her mouth was peeling, black, and she could barely breathe thanks to her throat being stuffed with pills.

Now that she's confined to a wheelchair and suffering from brain damage, the eleven-year-old girl's father is off to six months in prison. But what is his crime?

According to various sources, it's not stuffing the pills down her throat or even waiting so long to take her to a doctor. It's the fact that he used alternative medicine-- in the form of widely discredited supplements called Mannatech, which aren't even supposed to treat anything. They're basically vitamins, according to the product's official website, which notes the pill is designed to optimize "skin, weight [loss], physical fitness and general health." When the girl's mother learned of her ex-husband's drug of choice, she decided not to intervene, lest he attempt to take away her custody.

Dad's lack of understanding of basic medicine, however, does not explain why he didn't take her to the hospital when her condition grew grave. The media is forgetting that it isn't the alternative medicine that's the biggest culprit here-- it's the parents' neglect. And before you say it's all Daddy's fault (he is mostly to blame, to be sure), let's not forget Mom worrying more about what's best for her and not gambling a bit of future paternity to intervene with, say, the police.

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Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped our attention. Maybe because it was published on a day we had more important things to worry about...

On Halloween, the Telegraph published a story that began:

A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in
Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.

Wait, stop right there. We can understand the cucumber (obviously), the deodorant (shapely), even the carnation (we never thought of flowers as automatically phallic or even stimulating, but to each his own-- and you know the carnation incident was a "his"), but how in the Christ-- pardon my language, vicar-- do you fit a Russian doll up your ass?! Was it just the doll's arm? If so, it's an inflatable arm... how could that have been enjoyable? All that plastic and air?

Look at that. The Telegraph's bizarrely unfinished reportage caused us to be distracted from what should have been the lead heard 'round the world: A RELIGIOUS FIGURE STUFFED AN UNCOOKED (?) POTATO UP HIS OWN ASS, THEN CLAIMED HE FELL ON IT WHILE IT HAPPENED TO BE STANDING STRAIGHT UP ON A TABLE, THEREFORE FITTING INSIDE HIS TIGHT BUTTHOLE.

See that's the part that gets us-- his cover story might almost be believable in a giving-him-the-benefit-of-the-doubt sort of way, but he still can't explain why, if the potato was laying on a table, it was able to fit head-first in his bunghole.

Image: We don't remember where we found it, but we've been trying to use it in a story for ages. Our apologies if you were expected a potato there and are very disappointed...

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While You Were Sleeping: Viva Bettie Page

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 14:05:00 GMT

A widely-publicized murder trial took a grimly hilarious tour when it was revealed the man in question had left a list in his FEMA trailer that detailed his plans for getting away with it. Best one: "Throw gun in river."

Eminem has released his first new song in ages.

Dr. Strangelove, like 1984, is becoming a reality: a single prank call almost started a war between India and Pakistan. Not funny, guys.

You wanna steal my husband? Well, says Shania Twain, I'm a-gonna steal yours...

A male babysitter was arrested for producing a sex tape involving a two-year-old girl.

We love myths, hoaxes and just plain idiocy: Strollerderby wants you to know that your vagina will not seal up if you don't use it for sex very often.

And Bettie Page, the now-85-year-old former pinup, had a heart attack over the weekend and is in critical condition, according to the New York Times.

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Sloppy Seconds: Obama's Brother From Another Mother

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:31:00 GMT

Is Argentina crying for Madonna after she had to postpone a show there? Enh, probably not. [Yahoo!]

We're not the only ones with "sloppy seconds." [MollyGood]

Actor Mark Ruffalo's brother is "clinging to life" after he was shot in the head. [Us]

Duuuuuuuuude. A 2,700-year-old weed stash was uncovered in the Gobi Desert. Wonder if it's still good? [MSNBC]

Amy Winehouse's possibly soon-to-be ex husband Blake Feilder Civil is yet again Blake Incarcerated. [People]

Nintendo has come a long way, from boring old Mario and Luigi to video games with racial slurs. [MTV]

This is Barack Obama's half brother, we think:

[Via Daily Intel]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Joe The Plumber's New Homeland Security Gig

Emily Farris — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:52:00 GMT

We can't think of anything more unAmurrrican than George W. Bush pardoning an eagle killer. Okay, we can, but still... [Gawker]

Hugh Jackman's wife was totally cool with him kissing Nicole Kidman. [Us]

Who was totally not cool on David Letterman last night. [Jezebel]

Stephanie from Full House's baby daddy (who is not from Full House but from the real world but that that Real World) has made an emotional plea for Stephanie, er Jodie Sweetin, to bring back the couple's 7-month-old daughter. Sweetin and Cody Herpin split recently, and Jodie took the kid. [Radar]

Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital after an adverse reaction to "medication." [Yahoo!]

As Wonkette so smartly stated, "Joe the Plumber's life officially becomes off-putting David Lynch film." Joe, er Samuel Wurzelbacher, is apparently now doing tacky commercials for some cheap electronics company. And it's really sad. But, hey, at least he has a job, right? A job protecting the public safety of the united states during the digital TV transition. For real. [Wonkette]

Whoops! We Sent You Home With The Wrong-Gendered Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:34:00 GMT

One Romanian mother got the shock of her life when she went to change her "daughter's" diaper for the first time...

One of our favorite movies is Once Upon A Time in America, which we saw at a young enough age that, upon watching the scene where De Niro and James Woods switch all the name tags on the babies, we were quite traumatized by the idea of a baby swap. Could we have the wrong parents? Nah-- we share too many of the same genes, like the crazy gene and the utter confusion at anything people say gene.

Anyway, enough about that.

A woman who have birth to a baby girl had the shock of her life when she went home from hospital and changed its nappy for the first time - and discovered bumbling nurses had given her a boy instead.

Cristina Zahariuc, 35, from Horlesti in Iasi county, Romania, said she hadn't suspected a thing because the baby was handed over wearing the clothes she had provided.

"Only when I got home and I invited some friends and the baby's godparents to see her did I notice my girl had an penis. I was paralysed," she said.

Look, everybody! My daughter has an amazing vagina! Uh oh.

"It was very strange though. We were calling the hospital to tell them about the confusion and they were hanging up on us saying we should stop fooling around. They thought we were playing tricks on them," he said.

No, they were afraid of you because of this thing called a "lawsuit," which they surely have coming to them. After all, what if the swapped baby had been a girl? Would Mom have found out? And what about the other family? Certainly, they must be ready to file themselves...

One more thing: we understand names may have gotten swapped if two nurses picked the two babies up to be changed and played baby toss or something, but how did the clothes get swapped?

Via news.com.au.

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CBS: Woman's Orgasm Caused Her Stroke

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 18:39:00 GMT

A few weeks back, we brought you the story of the Englishwoman who was fined by her town council after having months of crushing sex with her boyfriend that kept the neighbors up. Now we have a much less funny version for you...

According to CBS News, a woman in Illinois suffered a stroke at the age of 35 after having an orgasm...

"This young woman ... while having intercourse had numbness on the left side of her face, slurred speech, and weakness in her left arm," Biller tells WebMD. "When she was transferred to our care six hours after onset, she was completely unable to move her left arm, her face was paralyzed, her speech was garbled, and she was in a state of panic."

Forgive us for saying something so obvious, but having a stroke sucks. We've watched it happen to someone we knew in a nursing home and have had nightmares about it ever since. What's even worse about this story is that in order to save her life, doctors were forced to run

a catheter from an artery in the woman's groin up into her brain to find the blood clot by angiography.

There's a happy ending to all this, thank your respective higher power (or whatnot.) The procedure reversed most of the effects of the stroke, even though it had been much longer than the three hours generally required from clot-killing drug tPA to work, and today

she is well, with only an almost imperceptible fold in the skin under her nose and slight loss of dexterity in her left hand.

Phew. And what, CBS, can we learn from this episode:

She shared one thing in common with six other young people who suffered sex-related strokes: a small opening in the wall between the two upper chambers of her heart.

One in four adults has this minor heart defect, called a patent foramen ovale or PFO. A PFO allows some blood to flow from the right side of the heart to the left side. This blood bypasses the lung and goes straight to the brain.

Most people with a PFO have no symptoms and don't know they have it.

Also, for a person to have a stroke during orgam, they must have a blod clot. Luckily for all of us, this is a rare occurence, but if you experience these kinds of symptoms, take your ass to the ER, insured or un-.

Via CBS News.

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Sloppy Seconds: What Happened To Harvey Dent?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:18:00 GMT

No wonder it was so easy to change votes: we had no idea Ohio allowed random people to babysit voting machines at their own homes prior to the election. Anyone who thinks Ohio voted fair and square can at least admit that was a pretty stupid idea, right?

Speaking of Ohio and politics, Stephanie Tubbs-Jones was pronounced dead, then that was retracted, following a brain aneurysm. Tubbs-Jones, a black Congresswoman and hardcore Hillary supporter, is currently in critical condition.

Britney's condition has improved, so much so that people actually want to read about her latest diet...

"I have no sugar. I don't eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I'll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch.

"I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it's not much, but it's actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.'"

The famous two-headed turtle was turtle-napped last night. How much ya wanna bet it won't be two days before the idiot who stole it will brag to one too many of his friends...

Another bet: How long before they make a movie of the woman who spent her 37th birthday robbing gas stations with her teenage son?

Maybe she spanked her kid too much or something. After all, according to Strollerderby, spanking is just a gateway drug to hardcore beat-downs.

Meanwhile, Paul McCartney denies he has plans to marry a virtually unknown "American socialite."

And finally: Moviegoers have been arguing for weeks about the open-ended climax to the Dark Knight-- spoiler alert! Haven't seen The Dark Knight? Then skip the next paragraph and go straight to the Related section, please...

The script for the blockbuster sequel was made available for purchase on Tuesday and soon after found its way online. It's a long read at 167 pages, but fans looking for confirmation on the fate of Dent need only look at page 163.
"Dent lies at the bottom of the hole, his neck broken," the stage direction, written by brothers Jonathan and Christopher Nolan, reads. "DEAD." (Capital letters their emphasis, not ours.)

Heather Mills is Too Good For Your Sex Shop

Sloppy Seconds: Update On The Christian Bale Story

Ohio Democrat Flashes Topless Photos During High School Class

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:15:00 GMT

Morgan Freeman was released from the hospital and will have to wear a neck brace for six months or more.

Don't read this if you want to go on disliking Lauren Conrad.

Who are the two richest kids in Showbiz? If you guessed Ricky Schroeder, you really aren't reading the right blog...

1= Miley Cyrus, $26 million (GBP13 million) 1= Daniel Radcliffe, $26 million (GBP13 million) 3. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, $15 million (GBP7.5 million) 4. The Jonas Brothers, $12 million (GBP6 million) 5. Zac Efron, $5.8 million (GBP2.9 million).

We don't think the Jonas Brothers should count because there are, what, how many of them... and re-spawning every minute?

The World's Greatest Dad is guilty of being one of the world's scuzziest.

Obama and Bush were the targets one of main's assassination plots, unrelated to yesterday's story about the teenage boy who planned to kill W.

What do you think of Defamer's list of the Top 10 TV Characters Women Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With? Sexist? Spot on?

Tom Selleck will join "Dancing With The Stars?" He's not looking too shabby these days, either, he's probably in proper shape...

And Battlestar Galactica fans, rejoice: a two-hour special will air... next year.

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Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:48:00 GMT

Morgan Freeman is in serious condition following a devastating car wreck last night in Mississippi...

The latest details, according to CNN, Google, and other sources:

1) Freeman driving just a few miles from his home when he car sailed, airborne, off the highway and into a ditch. (Sources originally hinted an unnamed female woman was at the wheel, but she is gone from updated accounts.)

2) Fans tried to snap pictures of the actor. He attempted some gallows humor as he was taken, via the jaws of life, from the vehicle, and told one person using a camera phone: "No freebies, no freebies."

3) He may have been airlifted to a hospital that was over 90 miles away, in Memphis, for the best possible treatment. It's unclear why they had to travel so far if he was in such a tremendous crash.

4) Hospital spokesperson Milla Borden says Freeman is currently listed as being in "serious condition."

We will update this story if there is any news between now and the end of the day.

Historic Non-Event: Angelina Jolie Gives Birth To Twin Humanoids

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:42:00 GMT

More important than "who's the father," the question of the day is actually "did they continue the long-standing tradition of celebrities giving their kids unusual, even bizarre names?" The answer is a vigorously-nodded "yes."

First InTouch reported Saturday afternoon that sources at La Fondation Lenval Hospital in Nice, France, said Jolie had given birth to twin girls. They said Angie delivered by cesarean on Saturday at 6 p.m. and had two girls, one born at 6:45, the other at 7.

But -- and it was a pretty big but -- Extra reported that the twins had not been born. They quoted hospital spokeswoman Nadine Bauer as saying that the InTouch report was "false information."

The spokeswoman insisted that journalists would not be notified "within minutes after the birth" and that the only way they would be told was by a press release posted on the hospital website.

Then Us Weekly said that French newspaper Nice-Matin had reported that Jolie had delivered a boy... and a girl.... They said Jolie gave birth shortly before 8 p.m. via cesarean section.

We really didn't need to know all that, but wouldn't it have been great if Brad and Angelina (we refuse to combine their first names-- fuck the New York Post culture) kept this back and forth going for weeks until people stopped caring or even believing the couple had any kids at all.

Now, here's the fun part: Can you guess which combination makes up the actual names of their twins?

a) Raven Bertrand and Haven James

b) Nadine Reade and Nathaniel Maximus

c) Lara Sage and Homer James Pitt

d) Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline

The answer is...

Jolie... delivered a boy named Knox Leon and a girl named Vivienne Marcheline... each twin weigh[ing] about 5 pounds.

Via the LA Times.

Boy Dies From Urinary Tract Infection While Parents Pray

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:15:00 GMT

We're not out to attack religious people or anything. It's just that in the past few weeks, there have been a bevy of news stories out there in this country that happened to feature wackos who happened to be religious doing things that happen to be totally bonkers nutjob crazy.

Now we hear from Strollerderby and the AP that a boy in Oregon died from a urinary tract infection (!) after his parents failed to so much as request a catheter for him. The fucked up part about all this is that they might not even be charged in his death...

Oregon state law allows minors 14 and older to be responsible for their own medical decisions. The family in this case is claiming the boy made the conscious choice to eschew regular medicine and turn to prayer. The prayer failed when the blockage caused urea to poison the organs in his system, eventually leading to heart failure.

While we disagree with the notion that 14-year-olds can be responsible for their own wise medical decisions (we're in our late 20s and can't make any decision now, let alone a medical one), just like we don't think teenagers should spend their lives in prison for any reason, we respect this law, since it might be applied to abortions and other decisions the teenager wants to make on their own without parental interference. The problem is, in this case, if the boy changed his mind while he was bedridden and wanted to seek medical treatment for his bronchial pneumonia, his protectors wouldn't have helped him. (And the fact that when his condition got worse and worse despite their praying and they weren't willing to step back and say, "You know what? Maybe this praying thing isn't working out? We should defy God because our son is so precious to us?" Okay, wait, that sounds terrible... but you know what we mean-- this is just terrible. People can believe whatever they want, but when a child's life is at stake and you don't do anything, that's where the secular world should step in and, at the very least, make sure this family never lets a child die again.)

You can disagree, as we're sure some of you will, but this is only an opinion. Some people might say that we shouldn't tell others to compromise their beliefs for anything, not even to save a life. We respect that point of view, although respectfully disagree with it.

One more thing. Seriously, we're asking: is there a passage of the Bible that specifically mentions doctors, medical treatment, medicine and condemns every one of them? It's fine to pray, but if you break your arm, for example, don't you get a cast? Just wondering.

Via Strollerderby.

When Are You Too Old And Senile To Have Sex?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 14:22:00 GMT

Scanner Nicole told you about the case of the two assisted living residents, the 95-year-old man and the 82-year-old woman, who were found engaging in oral sex... by the man's son.

Now, we ask you: are old people who are "losing it" well enough to give consent... to have sex?

This one's a heartbreaker, unless you're the freaked-out son, who demanded the facility separate the couple permanently.

After that, Dorothy stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression, and was hospitalized for dehydration. When Bob was finally moved out of the facility in January, she sat in the window for weeks waiting for him. She doesn't do that anymore, though: "Her Alzheimer's is protecting her at this point," says her doctor, who thinks the loss might have killed her if its memory hadn't faded so mercifully fast.

We had a relative who had Alzheimer's before he passed. If he had had sex with another patient, we doubt anyone would've cared. Why not have a few kicks before the finally one (of the bucket, that is.) The man had been a cool dude in his time-- a jazz musician, no less-- so why would we want to take away his last shred of dignity?

The debate goes on in this three-page story on Slate.

Previously: Shocker! Old People Still Alive

Shocker: Britney Spears Rushed to Hospital

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 15:59:00 GMT

Britney Spears was rushed to the hospital today after taking forty horse tranquilizers and several shots of adrenochrome.

Okay, we just made all that up. Actually, she was taken to a psychiatric wing of UCLA for observation. We're not exactly sure what more doctors need to see of this creature before making an evaluation. Paramedics took her there on a stretcher, possibly at the request of Lynne, who probably could use some hospitalization of her own, if only to get away from her crazy family.

[Photo: Teen Scoop]