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Top 10 Dumbest Anti-Obama Signs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:48:00 GMT

How did we narrow this list of dozens, perhaps hundreds of examples of conservative stupidity down to a mere 10 photographs, you ask?

The long answer is that we had a seizure from the Flickr slideshow overload, then a fit of hysterics for twenty minutes, followed by the realization that scary people cannot be reasoned with, even by good work and actual progress, and decided to call it a day with these ten (frightening) images...

With lots and lots of therapy, honey.

We weren't aware small children paid taxes unless corporate America's dreams came true and indentured servitude and child labor have returned.

If you mean in "an arbitrarily-priced future-debt sort of way," maybe. We wonder what that debt would like like after another four years of Bush Administration economics.

What an oxymoran: "speak for yourself" (pro-First Amendment!) and "America is a Christian nation" (anti-First Amendment!)

Right-- because the new face of an Aryan national movement would logically be... a half-black man.

Why did we assume the previous photo would be the worst they could do? Nope. There's a man with a sign who believes rich people paying 3% more in taxes and giving tax cuts to the middle class is equivalent to murdering six million people. How do we know we're on the right side of history? Because this type of person will always be on the other.

If you're like all the previous entrants and find that the facts don't support your idiotic views, you can always try to win by confusion and incoherence.

These Republicans are so confused at what the message is for the Fox-led Tea Parties that they bring all sorts of contradictory signs ("POOP!") to the protest and obscure each other's words. Even the ones we can read don't make a lot of sense. FAIL.

And finally, a sign so stupid it will make even a reasonable Obama hater laugh...

Wow. How effective, sir. We humbly beg your forgiveness for voting for this very BAD man.

By the way, the Huffington Post has several of these in its own Top 10 list of the most offensive tea party protest signs, but we don't think this sign is all that offensive (except to your intelligence.) So, without further ado, our Honorable Mention:

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This Quack Says Intellectuals Are Dumb Daters

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 19:50:00 GMT

Dr. Alex Benzer, who, despite our headline and his photographic resemblance to Adnan Ghalib*, is a respected, Harvard-educated doctor and probably knows more about dating than most of us. After all, he's actually dated a few people... and some kook thought, in this increasingly anti-book culture, to put out a couple of books by him-- for profit! If that's not endorsement enough of his ideas and you'll seek dating advice from some other genius, we're pretty sure Dr. Phil is still on the air, weekdays...

Benzer claims his recent book The Tao of Dating was specifically written for the most brilliant minds of our time, i.e. anyone regularly visits sites like Nerve and the Huffington Post, where his post appeared. In an epic story there, Doc Benzer heads a series of paragraphs with his bite-sized advice tidbits:

1. Smart people spent more time on achievements than on relationships when growing up.

Well, you could also say, "Dumb jocks spent more time on athletic achievements than on relationships when growing up." Anyway, moving on...

2. Smart people feel that they're entitled to love because of their achievements.

See "jocks" above.

3. You don't feel like a fully-realized sexual being, and therefore don't act like one.

4. You're exceptionally talented at getting in the way of your own romantic success.

That seems like a stretch for the sake of reinforcing a weak argument...

5. By virtue (or vice) of being smart, you eliminate most of the planet's inhabitants as a dating prospect

The intellectuals we know are just as terrible at recognizing terrible mates in advance of involving themselves with those prospects as the, um, non-intellectuals we know...

Benzer says you have three choices:

A) Loosen up

B) Do a very thorough search all over the planet and be prepared to move to Duesseldorf OR

C) Join a monastery.

...before recommending choice A for surviving dating in these dumbed-down times. What do you think of his proposals, which you can read in complete here.

*Dudes, we gotta stop this chin-landing-strip thing. Now.

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Get Your Muslim On

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 18:13:00 GMT

The new animated version of David Rees' genius cartoon Get Your War On has had us cracking up since its premiere in late July.

Now comes its finest moment so far: Accounts Payable's reaction to the election of Barack Hussein Obama as President of the United States...

That's some good shit, right there. Although we've loaded our .22, just to be on the safe side.

Seriously, there are crazy racist fools out there that really believe this stuff. Strangely enough, they are all apparently hiding out in Austria:

Veteran Austrian television personality Klaus Emmerich has triggered a storm of criticism for his racist comments about Barack Obama, the US president-elect. [...]

...the respected US expert has stained his own report card with a string of blatantly racist remarks regarding the election of Barack Obama in the US. Speaking on a talk show on the Austrian public channel ORF on Wednesday, he said: "I wouldn't want the Western world to be directed by a black man. When you say that is a racist remark: right, without a doubt."

Americans are "racists, now as before, and it must be going very badly for them that they so convincingly ... send a black man, and a black, very good-looking woman, into the White House," he said. [Queer Conservative]

Via 23/6.

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Today in WTF: PG Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:10:00 GMT

It seemed like a decent YouTube video idea at first, like SFW porn: make a porn movie, with porn stars, that features no actual on-screen sex. (It's called "Hollywood," stupid.) Hilarious, right?

Well, not only does PG porn come off as a complete waste of time, but it's now being attacked as being-- ironically enough-- more misogynist than actual porn...

Nailing Your Wife

We're not sure why he had to kill her with a nail gun-- is that the only way the filmmakers could think of cutting the "porn" short before it got to Actual Pornography? In any case, Theresa Darklady Reed, a feminist blogger on Huffington Post has already attacked the Gunns for their exploitation of women, namely the part where the guy shoots the woman in the head with a nail gun.

The Gunn brothers apparently consider violence against women to be not just acceptable but sexy, so long as nobody actually gets laid or engages in any wet spot to erogenous zone contact.

Actually, it's supposed to be a joke, we're pretty sure, and even if it were an offensive one, it's clearly not James Gunn's intention to look down on the female gender for its "cheating ways." However, we're not sure what the point of the video is either, besides an attempt at a goofy internet video gone wrong...

Via News.au.com.

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You Can't Argue With A Conservative... No, Really, It's A Fact

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:35:00 GMT

We're traveled all across the country for political reasons over the years. Sometimes to cover a story for a newspaper, other times to campaign for our preferred candidate. And not to get all "there are only two kinds of people in this world, son" on you, but... there are two kinds of political people in this country: the liberal, who thinks just because he's right and has the facts on his side, he can change the oppositions mind, and the conservative, who thinks if he just sticks to his talking points and ignores what the other person is actually saying, he will eventually get the other person to give up.

They're both wrong, although a new study shows that presenting facts and truth to conservatives makes them more likely to reaffirm their original position...

From the Washington Post:

One group was given a refutation -- the comprehensive 2004 Duelfer report that concluded that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction before the United States invaded in 2003. Thirty-four percent of conservatives told only about the Bush administration's claims thought Iraq had hidden or destroyed its weapons before the U.S. invasion, but 64 percent of conservatives who heard both claim and refutation thought that Iraq really did have the weapons. The refutation, in other words, made the misinformation worse.

[The study suggests] that Republicans might be especially prone to the backfire effect because conservatives may have more rigid views than liberals: Upon hearing a refutation, conservatives might "argue back" against the refutation in their minds, thereby strengthening their belief in the misinformation. [They] did not see the same "backfire effect" when liberals were given misinformation and a refutation about the Bush administration's stance on stem cell research.

Well, either that or liberals are just whimps who cower before conservative's loud awesomeness!

Via HuffPo.

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Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:01:00 GMT

According to the Huffington Post, Nielsen says that, in addition to the 80,000 people who saw the speech in person, 38 million people watched Obama the nomination last night on television, "more... than watched the Olympics opening ceremony in Beijing, the final American Idol or the Academy Awards this year."

Well, John McCain's nap could beat the Academy Awards any day, but the real question is: what did we think of the speech?

Early reports are glowing-- at least from the media. But they don't know a damn thing about the public, as evidenced by every story about the election up until Iowa, their wrong guesses on what Obama would say last night, etc. etc.

If you're like us and think the Democratic leadership is generally made up of whimps who have to play nice with a guy who doesn't play nice back, check out this relatively amusing (although pretty thin) John McCain Honorable Attack Generator.

Image via Code Pink.

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Perez Hilton the Richest Chubby Recluse in Hollywood

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 18:53:00 GMT

This Wired feature on the multi-media conglomeration that is Perez Hilton is, well, eye-opening. For one thing, the site makes $54,000 in ad money a day. A DAY! That is serious bucks for photoshopping cum on people's faces. And Perez is branching out into clothes, music, and television because (hear this!) he's always working.

Actually we believe that Perez works, and if he can grab the bucks, more power to him. It's all in the service of meeting his goal to become the gay, latino Oprah. Really, we can't talk shit on Perez cause then we'd have no excuse for paying attention to him, and unfortunately, we're not about to stop gawking at the dude and his totally inexplicable success. Lucky for us we're not the only ones who follow the hot mess.

When he announced on his site, incorrectly, that Fidel Castro was dead (Hilton's family fled Cuba for Florida in the '60s), the Huffington Post and the Drudge Report picked up the item (albeit with skepticism). When Bloomberg invited him to be its guest at this year's White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, he was seated next to Tracey Ullman, who gushed, "I read your site every day!" For his LA-based novel, Bright Shiny Morning, author James Frey interviewed Hilton and modeled the character of a flamboyant gossip monger on him.

The man is a shooting star of fast food wrappers and unicorn tears. Respect.

EXCLUSIVE: Toby Keith Worships Satan, Ted Nugent, And Lynch Mobs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:57:00 GMT

Toby Keith, America's highest-rated terrorist, is sending the liberal blogs into a tither after his appearance on the Colbert Report last night.

And it isn't even for anything he said-- actually, it's for a song he's been singing for years and which was a smash hit single after 9/11, containing lyrics that most thinking people would find insane and dangerous had they not been avoiding country music radio since 1976...

Why Stephen Colbert, who out of character is a practicing liberal and would never be caught dead allowing a person like Toby Keith to get away with ruining what little is left of this country's well-being, should allow this guy to sing this song, "Beer For My Horses" (God, what a cheesy ass song, not even including its cultural ignorance) and not goof on him mercilessly is beyond us:

Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he'd done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street
For all the people to see

Yo, that's about lynching, okay? Not cool, Colbert! Why didn't you attack him on that? As Max Blumenthal pointed out at the HuffPo:

During the days when Toby Keith's "Grandpappy" stalked the Jim Crow South, lynching was an institutional method of terror employed against blacks to maintain white supremacy. According to the Tuskegee Institute, between the years 1882 and 1951, 3,437 African-Americans were lynched in the United States, mostly in the heart of Dixie. Felonious assault and rape (read: corrupting "the flower of white womanhood") were the two most frequent justifications for lynch mob actions.
Georgia was ground zero for lynch mob activity. Though most of the Peach State's victims were black, one of its most high-profile hangings claimed the life of a Jew, Leo Frank. Frank, a college-educated Northerner, was wrongly convicted in 1913 of murdering a 13-year-old girl after a show trial in which his prosecutor portrayed him to a grand jury as a bisexual pervert. Before the trial, one juror remarked, "If I get on that jury, I'll hang that Jew for sure."

You can imagine what happened to Frank and others like him, in Keith's glorious, Hitler-esque vision of the South. By the way, if Toby Keith loves lynching, then we can also correctly assume he worships Satan, who is a big fan of eye-for-an-eye anarchic lawlessness, and Ted Nugent, who is a racist pigporker and will kill us all with his 2,227 guns.

PS. Besides being a world-class shitbag, Toby Keith is also a talentless wanker we'd easily take in a fight, with a Guantanamo hood over our heads... bring it on, indeed.

Via the Huffington Post.

In Defense of Cindy "Cookie Monster" McCain

Emily Farris — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:57:00 GMT

Recently, Cindy McCain, wife of Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, submitted a recipe to Family Circle for her oatmeal-butterscotch cookies. Only it turns out, they weren't exactly her oatmeal-butterscotch cookies. Or if they were her oatmeal-butterscotch cookies, they happen to be made the same way as someone over at Hershey's makes them — because the same recipe appears on the company's website.

Forgetting for a moment that oatmeal-butterscotch cookies sound pretty gross, I have to say, this kind of shit happens in the culinary world.

For example, I grew up thinking that my mom's green bean casserole was hers. It was creamy on the inside, crunchy on top and just plain delicious. Of course my mother had created it! Except, she hadn't. Once I started making it myself, I learned it was the recipe from the Durkee onion can. Was I devastated when I learned this? Sure. But had I not been writing a casserole cookbook and actually had to investigate and pay close attention to these things, would I have gone on thinking that my mom had created the green been casserole I grew up on? Probably.

Unfortunately, as the Huffington Post reveals, the similarities are too close for comfort. McCain didn't even bother to change anything about the recipe, save taking the name Hershey's out of it. So unless her mother passed down this recipe without telling a young Cindy that it was ripped off from the company, it's possible Cindy ripped off Hershey's on her own.

Now considering this isn't the first time the McCain clan has come under fire for stolen recipes, she should have been more careful. A few months ago, Cindy got in trouble for posting a Rachael Ray recipe as her own on John's campaign site.

But can you blame her? With all the time she spends putting on her make-up do you think she really has the time to create recipes?

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More WTF: Obama Assassination Hints And Jokes

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 May 2008 17:44:00 GMT

When did it become okay to joke about someone, anyone, getting assassinated?

First, there was the non-joke Hillary made about her campaign continuing because

"My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." [NY Daily News]

Again, huh? He was assassinated in June in California, yes, but what does that have to do with this campaign at all? Did it meant that the '68 race was thrown in the air by the assassination and therfore was also unresolved in June? We're not even sure this reference to Bobby Kennedy is offensive because we don't quite understand her point.

Then there was this, also over the weekend. From the Huffington Post:

Fox News political pundit Liz Trotta jokingly suggested this weekend that someone should assassinate an American presidential candidate. She had first "mistakenly" referred to Obama as "Osama" while discussing theories that Hillary Clinton's recent comments about the RFK assassination was in fact a suggestion that someone "knock off Osama." When she was corrected and reminded that she meant "Obama," she then said, "Well, both if we could."

You'd think Trotta would've learned from Mike Huckabee's idiotic joke, but then again, Fox News was never known for paying attention to real news.

Of course, McCain escapes any sort of danger because whatever perceived enemies he might have will just wait for him to keel over. (Sorry, Scanner Emily!)

Cheney Hearts Martin Luther King More Than McCain Does

Katie Halper — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:15:00 GMT

On the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King's death, nothing says "I commemorate you" like a "my bad for voting against making you a holiday" statement (video after the jump) . John McCain-- on more than one occasion-- voted against making Martin Luther King's birthday a federal holiday. But that didn't stop him from commemorating King's death day in a speech at the Lorraine motel in Memphis TN, where King was killed. But before you judge McCain, you should know that when he voted against MLK day, he was young and wet behind the ears, a 47-year-old spring chicken who didn't know any better. And only radical Black Power members of congress like Dick Cheney and Newt Gingrich supported making MLK Day a federal holiday. Plus during the speech, McCain even let a black guy hold his umbrella, which shows you how down he is. More about McCain's other MLK opposition activities after the jump.

Whatever you think of McCain, or Martin Luther King, at least the presidential nominee doesn't half assedly oppose MLK-related commemorations. When it comes to NOT supporting Dr. King, Mr. McCain is in it to win it! Huffington Post points out that in addition to voting to oppose a state holiday in 1987 and a federal holiday in 1989, McCain voted in 1994 to cut funding for the commission that promoted King's holiday. And

In 1983 McCain did something not even Dick Cheney did: he voted in Congress against a federal holiday in honor of Dr. King, which President Reagan later signed into law. In 1987, McCain supported Arizona Governor Evan Mecham's action to rescind an executive order establishing a state holiday in Martin Luther King's honor. Even in 1989, when McCain finally came around and supported a state holiday, he said he was "still opposed to another federal holiday." As recently as 2000, McCain reportedly said he "resented it when people outside of Arizona got involved" in the issue.