Scanner : inauguration

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

While he chose to be overseas rather than attend the inauguration, Tom Cruise wants you to know he supports Obama.

Captain Sully was at the inauguration. Afterward, he took his family to a restaurant called the Hudson.

Diane Sawyer, who used to work for Nixon, really enjoyed herself at Obama's inaugural balls last night. This video clearly shows just how much she enjoyed it, if you know what we mean.

Malia and Sasha win... the Jonas Brothers!

Islamists in Malaysia want to ban Rihanna's concert there.

Strollerderby reported on the Krispy Kreme "abortion donuts" (a.k.a. doughnuts) nonsense.

Patti Lupone flipped her shit on a rude patron while singing live in Gypsy on Broadway-- now that's entertainment.

And this moron was the Mayor of a Wisconsin town... that is, until he was busted trying to pickup underage girls on the internet. Ouch.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Crushing News

Obamas Channel Reagans at Inaugural Ball

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Clever Hipsters Re-Name Bush Street Obama Street

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:07:00 GMT

Some clever kids in San Francisco found a creative way to celebrate Barack Obama's inauguration while sending a subtle "fuck you" to outgoing president George Bush.

Given the fact it's in San Francisco, we imagine those stickers will stay a while.

Why not rename a Bush Street near you?

Bush St, Carlin, Elko, NV 89822

Bush St, San Francisco, San Francisco, CA

Bush St, Cobleskill, Schoharie, NY 12043

Bush St, Red Wing, Goodhue, MN 55066

Bush St, Pensacola, Escambia, FL 32534

Bush St, Brunson, Hampton, SC 29911

Bush St, Brighton, Adams, CO 80601

Bush St, Clearlake, Lake, CA 95422

[Laughing Squid: Bush Street Renamed Obama Street in San Francisco]

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So today is pretty much the biggest day in all our lives (except for falling in love and having babies and all of those other things other people do). What are you doing to commemorate it?

Over the weekend, Scanner Sister and I went to an "Inaugural Ball" at a local bar and grill. And tonight I'm having people over for a Ball/Potluck. Everyone has to wear either formal attire or dress like an iconic American. I'm DVR'ing CNN and CSPAN all day so we can watch everything all over again tonight. I even got a fancy Nancy Reagan-like vintage gown to wear. I might wear with cowboy boots.

How will you celebrate?

(And are you staying home all day to catch all the festivities on CNN/CSPAN?)

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:49:00 GMT

On this historic day, Chris Rock won't be in Washington, D.C., but promoting a film at Sundance in Utah, or as he puts it, "the whitest place in America." Here's his explanation about why it's hard to make fun of Barack Obama.

ln an interview with CNN, Rock compares Barack to stars like Will Smith or Brad Pitt. "There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? 'Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser.' What do you say? 'Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million.' There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt.

Likewise, with Obama, "It's like 'Ooh, you're young and virile and you've got a beautiful wife and kids. You're the first African-American president.' You know, what do you say?"

About the excitement of today, he puts it well: "It'll be a cool day. It's weird. I've never watched an inauguration. I've never watched anyone get sworn in. You know, it's like Election Day and then you look up and somebody else is the president two months later. It was never like, "I can't wait till tomorrow. Oh my god! They're going to swear in Jimmy Carter!"

Reflections on the Obama Inauguration Celebration Concert

Obama's Anti-Racism Speech Inspires Comedians To Get All Racist

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

The Very Best Thing About This Inauguration...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:18:00 GMT

When the inaugural ceremonies kicked off on Sunday, HBO was there to document the whole thing, live. We saw Bruce and Pete Seeger, Beyonce and Bono, a bunch of Hollywood celebrities and even Joe Biden's million-dollar smile.

We saw everything, that is, except the one thing we really, really wanted to see...

This speech by the Right Reverend Gene V. Robinson. The Right Rev. of New Hampshire, according to his Wikipedia page, "is best-known for being the first openly gay, non-celibate priest to be ordained a bishop in a major Christian denomination believing in the historic episcopate." He is a member of the Episcopal Church of the United States and Obama's choosing him to lead Sunday's opening invocation was overshadowed by his pick of Rick Warren, the anti-gay crusader, to kick off the inauguration itself.

Here is the speech that HBO cut off, for reasons that are still unclear. It's really worth an entire post by itself.

Welcome to Washington! The fun is about to begin, but first, please
join me in pausing for a moment, to ask God's blessing upon our nation
and our next president.

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist
on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are
beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily
from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against
refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian,
bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've
preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about
ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise
to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us
will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new
president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must
always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a
genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an
understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every
religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in
the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the
office of President of the United States.

Related:

The Human Herp: Ken Starr Returns To Defend Marriage Against People Who Want It

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Make Your Own Obama Inaugural Address

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Remember Mad Libs? Of course you do-- you received a stack of them for Christmas as a "gag gift," although you won't admit to anyone you plowed through a bottle of wine on Sunday night and filled up all but two of them.

A new website will satisfy your cravings for trying to remember what adverbs and nouns are and then trying to make half-finished sentences funny. They've taken a generic Obama-style speech, removed a word or two from every line, and allow you to plug in your own snark at random.

See what we came up with and try your hand at composition...

Yeah, we kind of rushed through it ourselves in a hopeless attempt to wrap up early today-- we're sure you can come up with more amusing substitutions. Do so here and then check back (no peeking!) to learn what wonderful flights of intellectual fancy we made Barack say:

Barack Obama's Inauguration Speech
My fellow Americans, today is a sexy day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "Lake Titicaca", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually sprint.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces slimy and hot challenges like never before. Our economy is smelly. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for bars. Our healthcare system is goofy. If your anus is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a farmer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a matchstick boner. But running together we can right this ship, and set a course for Butte, Montana.

Finally, I must thank my boneriffic family, my glowing campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank right-wing protofascists for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of bonking the American people. Without your slippery efforts, none of this would have been possible.

Related:

Creepy Bizarro-Obama Photo Won't Stop Creeping Us Out

Sloppy Seconds: Ever Wonder What Kind-of Idiot Falls for Nigerian Email Scams?

Famous A-hole Puts His Name Where It Doesn't Belong... Again

Sloppy Seconds: Pornos Will Save Us All

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

Related:

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Did Obama Sell Out The Gays?

This Week in Gayness: Being Gay Is A Choice, Say Repuglicans

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 15:17:00 GMT

We're really sick of Tim Kaine. First, he botches the Democratic response to the State of the Union in a year when he could have turned the tide away from that dreadful President of ours; then, he decides he wants to be the next DNC chair. Now, this ass-backwards dweeb is going to help lead the party away from progressive values like, for example, marriage equality. Kaine, according to Queers United, "has endorsed an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Click here to ask why LGBT democrats should support a party whose chair is anti civil unions and more anti-gay than John McCain."

The guy who stole the 2004 Presidential election in Ohio thinks being gay is a choice. We don't even know where to start with his fucking scoundrel.

Speaking of elections, a gay bishop is to open Obama's inaugural weekend festivities.

Two hotel staffers in Tennessee were fired shortly after a former employee informed the boss of their homosexuality.

Don't miss the National Lesbian Health Summit in March.

Not satisfied with a statewide ban on same-sex marriage, one assmunch is attempting to outlaw domestic partnership benefits for gays in Tampa, Florida.

Brad Pitt reiterated his support for gay marriage and reminded us he and Angelina won't get married until everyone can.

And Proposition 8 supporters are freaked out about boycotts-- they're suing to try to keep the donation info private. In fact, we wish we could publish a complete list here of all the people who donated-- it's freedom of information, they shouldn't be ashamed...

Related:

We've Changed Our Minds, We're Against Gay Marriage

This Week in Gayness: The New Transgender Minister

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

This Week In Gayness: Straight Man Sues Over Homophobic Taunting

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Hudson's Latest Prize

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 13 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

A teenage girl sent 14,528 text messages in one month-- proving that actual, human conversations, even ones over the telephone, are dead. (And yes, her family had her on an unlimited SMS plan.)

We're pretty sure George W. Bush's final news conference will go down in history as his most memorable. Check out the full text here.

Can someone explain to us why Megan Fox thinks she looks like this guy?

And you thought Mail Googles were useless? Turns out they're helping people who e-mail in their sleep.

Would you support a ban on cell phones while driving?

Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez? Well, they've already dated everyone else.

Congress will be televised on YouTube. We're starting to think YouTube has gotten too popular for its own good-- like MySpace, when your grandmother joined up.

And Bruce Springsteen, Shakira, Usher, Sheryl Crow, Beyonce Knowles, and Stevie Wonder are among the highlights of the Obama inaugural shows.

Related:

Thousands Run Amok In Their Underwear

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

While You Were Sleeping: Paris Hilton Is Not A Slut

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

Emily Farris — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 16:23:00 GMT

Did that last $25 you gave to Barack Obama not pay off? You know, the donation you made with the hopes of maybe, hopefully, prettyprettyplease being one of ten donors "randomly" picked to attend the inaguration? Are you certain that your dream of having your picture taken with America's first black president on such a historical day is crushed forever?

Well, it's time to turn that "no we can't" into a "yes we can." Because thanks to some clever Brits, yes we can.

The London branch of Madame Tussauds wax museum will waive its $38 entry fee on January 20 for anyone who can prove s/he is a U.S. Citizen. This means you can still totally have your picture taken with Barack Obama on Inauguration Day. That is, if they finish him in time.

Sculptors are apparently still adding the finishing touches, but a museum spokesperson said that "Obama would be shown in an informal and relaxed pose, smiling with arms casually folded amid a reproduction of the White House Oval Office."

We advise against booking those plane tickets just yet. If those "finishing touches" don't happen, you might be lining up to pose with yet another rich, white man.

[Yahoo: Obama wax figure free for Yanks in London Jan. 20]

[Madame Tussauds]

Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Finally, a Politician Scanner Can Really Get Behind!

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Things seem to be looking up for Jennifer Hudson this year. Rumor has it, she may be singing the "Star Spangled Banner" for Obama's inauguration. [Radar]

Matt Dillon is facing a possible three months in jail if convicted for driving 103 miles an hour in a 65-mph zone. [Us]

John Travolta's son, Jett, is dead at 16. [Gawker]

Who is Lily Allen's new gray-haired mystery man? [FadedYouth]

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex is losing its appeal as a tourist destination. [Queerty]

Like her mother before her, Bristol Palin went straight back to ~~work~~ school days after the birth of her son. Or so her mother would like us to know. [People]

Like us, Kate Winslet does not go to the gym. Unlike us, it works for her. [FameCrawler]

Related:

What's It Like Having Sex With Leonardo DiCaprio?

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Sloppy Seconds: Which "Dancing With the Stars" Star Will Pose for Playboy?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 23:06:00 GMT

How many things are wrong with this picture? Britney Spears' dad Jamie has been making about $10,000 to "look after her," but he just got a raise of $51,000 a year, making about $75 an hour to babysit his daughter. [People]

Barack Obama has chosen to use Abraham Lincoln's Bible for his swearing in. [Radar]

If you were an editor at the New York Times and the mayor of Paris sent you a letter criticizing the prospect of Caroline Kennedy taking over Hillary Clinton's Senate seat, wouldn't you just check to make sure it was really from the mayor of Paris? Maybe? Oops. [Jossip]

Sometimes we forget just how skinny celebrities are. You know, celebs like.... Billy Bob Thornton? [NYDN]

Today, we went looking for a music video we could have sworn we saw just a few short days ago on YouTube. Could it be gone because Warner music has pulled all of its artists' videos from the site? [Yahoo!]

45-year-old mother of two and Dancing With the Stars alum Lisa Rinna will pose yet again for Playboy, according to Extra. [FadedYouth]

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...