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Iowa Politician Swears He Ordered the Massage Without the Happy Ending

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 19:54:00 GMT

A City Councilman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, is on trial this week after ordering up a "sensual massage" via Craigslist. It turned out the masseuse was a police informant and the cops raided the hotel room before the happy ending.

But check out the excuses Darren Bates offered on the stand yesterday: they're only making his situation more comical...

"If I’m getting a massage I’d rather it be a pretty woman rather than a man or a bigger woman," he said.

Bates described a "sensual massage" as one in which a woman would provide very light touching on his body, "mostly on the stomach, they sit on your back. Very light touches, with fingernails . . . it provides a tingling sensation."

The women who have performed "sensual massage" on him before wore shorts and tank tops or lingerie, he said.

Instead of a "sensual massage," Bates said he instead got public humiliation for something he said would draw more attention than any murder story in Omaha in the last 20 years.

What Bates doesn't understand, and what you should this weekend before heading over to craigslist.org in your respective areas, is that the police in this country are freaking out about Craig and his lists. The murder in Boston has them paying closer attention to the "casual encounters" and "erotic services" sections of each city's page. Be careful-- you could end up like this dumbass:

"You could just as easily go in and look for a hot young girl to rub you down?" Sedlak said.

"It’s next to impossible with my schedule. It’s easier to get on my phone," he said.

Bates testified that he went directly to erotic section of Craigslist when seeking a "masseuse."

Sedlak asked, "Erotic means of sexual nature right?"

"It means sexy," Bates said.

Bates testified that he didn’t tell the truth when he gave an interview to World-Herald columnist Michael Kelly. Bates said he told Kelly that he had never before sought a massage.

"You weren’t truthful with press back then?" asked prosecutor Shelly Sedlak.

"Correct," replied Bates.

His attorney, James Martin Davis, later asked Bates why he didn’t admit during the newspaper interview that he had received massages before.

"One, my wife was there," Bates said. "Two, the press completely obliterated everything we’d said. They’d print that and completely go crazy with it."

Via Omaha.com.

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This Week in Gayness: Men's Magazines

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:01:00 GMT

For the first time ever, Britain's poet laureate is a woman. Oh, and she just happens to be a lesbian.

If this Dr. Phil show turns out to be as offensive as the participant search comes off, you'll have yet another reason to hate that guy.

This is another one to send hate mail to: Rep. Virginia Foxx, R-N.C., the dumbass who called Matthew Shepard's murder a "hoax" and claims it was a robbery and not a hate crime, has been very vocal about stopping hate crime legislation in Congress. Shepard, you may recall,"was tied crucifixion-style to a fence, repeatedly pistol whipped and left for dead."

The good news is there are fewer known child porn sites on the web. Bad news? They've gotten more disgusting overall.

Here's one for ya: a lesbian was asked not to attend prom hand-in-hand with her girlfriend because it might bring unwanted media attention. When that came because of the principal's ignorant decision, she then tried to enforce a nonexistent dress code demanding both women wear dresses. We're not sure of the result.

India's only homosexual men's magazine has returned.

The next battle in Iowa will be over birth certificates.

And on Iowa's first day of legalized gay marriage, over 300 couples applied for licenses. Let's hope very few of them are nutjobs intent on causing big scenes by trying to marry their dogs or something.

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Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

This Week in Gayness: Boycott Jamaica

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 19:42:00 GMT

Gawker broke down the Amazon gay scandal.

Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, who, as we reported earlier this week, is locked in a bitter divorce battle with the state's First Lady, doesn't "believe in" domestic partnership benefits.

A ruling on the legality of Prop 8 could come as early as Monday.

David Paterson introduced the gay marriage bill today in New York.

Has anyone besides us been cracking the hell up about all this "teabagging" business-- and not just because the Republicans are so unintentionally hilarious?

Gay marriage in Iowa has everyone riled up, especially the crazies.

Stop drinking Myers Rum and Red Stripe beer, say the owners of the Stonewall Inn.

An 11-year-old boy killed himself after enduring homophobic taunting in school.

Oh my God! There's a fucking gay elephant! Let's freak the fuck out about it for no reason!

Who Knew There Were So Many California Doctors Against Gay Marriage? [VIDEO]

This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

Shirt of the Day: The New America

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:19:00 GMT

VIA THE MODERN MATERIALIST: Come on America, only 46 more states to go for us to join the progressive ranks of Vermont, Iowa, Connecticut, and Massachusetts in legalizing gay marriage.

This shirt is available as anything (t-shirt, hoodie, mousepad, button, etc.) through Wordboner's store. T-shirts range between $22 and $27, depending on the type of shirt you want (heather, heavyweight, American Apparel, etc.).

[Wordboner]

Related: Things Gay People Like, The Gayness of it All

This Week in Gayness: Matt Drudge Does Not Love Gay Sex With Men

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Tony Blair stood up to the Pope on homosexuality. Too bad no one cares what he thinks anymore.

Rick Warren tried to rewrite history on Larry King's show the other night. Apparently, he didn't support Prop8 or say all those hateful things.

Isn't it nice to finally have an Administration that allows gay couples with children to join the Easter Egg Hunt?

North Dakota had to get all "God hates you" on the gays. See you in the next century, guys.

More about the Vermont gay marriage law. And Iowa's.

Headline of the week: Graydon Carter Has Monster Cock, Is a Very Good Fuck (According to Rupert Everett)

Matt Drudge issued a sort-of non-denial denial from the platform of his right-wing hate blog: "I Do Not Love Sex With Men."

A gay mom with two kids is not going to be deported from the US after all. Yet.

Just because a thinking man like Barack Obama hails from Chicago doesn't mean people are taking it easy on the gays there.

The ads were meant to tell Chicago that health issues for gay men are about more than HIV and AIDs. Gay men practice yoga, swim and meditate, too. But someone removed or taped over three key words in the ads on the back of CTA buses: Gay, sexy and healthy. White tape had been affixed over the words on an orange poster on the back of a bus. Someone told him a red poster had been defaced with red tape. He also saw that the three words were cut out or scratched out on some posters. [Gay News Blog]

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This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Gay Bishop is About to Get All "Gay Bishop" on Your Ass

This Week in Gayness: Fred Phelps Attacks London

This Week in Gayness: Aubrey O'Day May Be Gay

This Week In Gayness: America vs. Fred Phelps

Senate Majority Leader to Conservatives Regarding the Gays: You've Already Lost

Colleen Kane — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 17:27:00 GMT

First of all, BREAKING: Vermont has made gay marriage legal!

Next, a new video posted by the Iowa Senate has been burning up the Internets. It features Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal responding to Senate Minority Leader Paul McKinley yesterday, the first day the Senate convened following the unanimous decision allowing gay marriage in Iowa.

The money quote in his speech, in which he refuses to join McKinley in a leadership bill to amend the Iowa Constutution and reverse the legalization of gay marriage, comes when he describes his daughter listening to old crusty conservatives discussing gay marriage. She told them, "You guys dont understand. Youve already lost. My generation doesnt care."

Now for that video.

A little dramatic, yes, but also worthy of a slow clap.

Related:

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This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

BREAKING: Gay Marriage Now Legal in... IOWA?!

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We must say, we didn't see this one coming. We expected New York, Oregon or maybe even New Jersey to be one of the next states to legalize gay marriage, but this morning the Iowa Supreme Court issued a unanimous ruling that found the state's same-sex marriage ban violated the constitutional rights of gay and lesbian couples.

In its decision, the court upheld a 2007 district court judge's ruling that the law violates the state constitution. It strikes the language from Iowa code limiting marriage to only between a man a woman.

"The court reaffirmed that a statute inconsistent with the Iowa constitution must be declared void even though it may be supported by strong and deep-seated traditional beliefs and popular opinion," said a summary of the ruling issued by the court.

The ruling set off celebration among the state's gay-marriage proponents.

"Iowa is about justice, and that's what happened here today," said Laura Fefchak, who was hosting a verdict party in the Des Moines suburb of Urbandale with partner of 13 years, Nancy Robinson.

Robinson added: "To tell the truth, I didn't think I'd see this day."

Des Moines attorney Dennis Johnson, who argued on behalf of the gay and lesbian couples, said "this is a great day for civil rights in Iowa."

"We have all of you courageous plaintiffs to thank: Go get married, live happily ever after, live the American dream," he said.

Court rules dictate that the decision will take about 21 days to be considered final, and a request for a rehearing could be filed within that period. That means it will be at least several weeks before gay and lesbian couples can seek marriage licenses.

[Yahoo: Iowa court says gay marriage ban unconstitutional]

Related:

Gay Marriage is Good for the Economy, Stupid

The Gays Fought The Law, Too Early to Tell Who Won

Breaking: Connecticut Overturns Gay Marriage Ban

Today in WTF: Guy Won the Lottery Because of His Dildo

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 21:43:00 GMT

In this recession, one of the biggest recycled stories running in the media is "what are lottery winners up to now, and how do we continue to milk them for sales?"

The Des Moines Register figured this out-- one that includes puns, dildos, and $2 million in prize money from decades ago. Did we mention the guy won the lotto because of a giant dildo? No? Then read on.

In 1992, Steve Charlton was a 23-year-old recent college grad, trying to make his way in the field of biology. One night, he and some friends decided to buy a birthday girl a giant dildo as a present.

His original plan was to drive the dildo to Chicago after the girl left it behind. However, when he realized his parents (who lived there) might see it, he hid it in his car and forgot about. One night, many moons later, he was having his car serviced and, after leaving it at the mechanics, realized what the dudes in the garage were going to find.

Charlton decided to get cash from an ATM and pay under an alias in order to hide shame from his family. Somehow, this also lead to him buying five lotto tickets from the place hosting the ATM, due to some sort of guilt over not making any purchases there.

And the rest is history.

But where is the famed dildo today:

He ended up using his biology degree after all: For five years he's worked in soil and groundwater sampling for an environmental services company.

How he won the lottery doesn't come up too much any more. When it does, Charlton said it's a story best told over beers.

As for the, um, adult toy?

Charlton has it. He jokes that he hangs it over his mantle like a prized fish, but in truth it's in a plastic tote in his basement. [Des Moines Register]

Basically, that dildo is worth $2 million, cash. If Charlton isn't using it, we'd like to try it out for good luck.

Today is the Day the Music Died

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:49:00 GMT

On February 3, 1959, a small chartered airplane carrying rock 'n roll singers and virtual superstars Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper (alias of J.P. Richardson) crashed in an Iowa field, killing them instantly.

While everyone knows this story, recounted in the famous tribute "American Pie," a #1 single by Don McLean, the so-called "Day the Music Died" is most interesting for all the many strange and unusual turn of events that led Holly, Valens, and Richardson to fly that plane...

Here are the more memorable coincidences, fateful decisions, and other story elements we've retained from numerous news stories over the years:

1) There was never supposed to be a plane. Even back then, rock stars had a large touring bus in which to commute to their endless gigs. Unfortunately, they were doing a Midwestern tour in the winter and their ride's heating system had collapsed.

2) They were supposed to have the next day off. Greedy promoters spotted an open date on the tour itinterary and called a ballroom owner in Moorhead, Minnesota, eventually the plane's intended destination, and secured a booking.

3) Richie Valens wasn't supposed to be on the plane at all. He flipped for a seat with the touring guitar player and won his spot.

4) The Big Bopper didn't have a seat on the plane either. (In fact, the singer Dion would've been the fourth famous singer killed that day if he hadn't of balked at the $36 airfare.) In perhaps one of the most important moments in both rock and roll and modern country music, Waylon Jennings had the final spot on the plane, but gave it up to the whining Richardson. When Buddy Holly spotted Waylon leaving the aircraft with his belongings, he jokingly snapped, "Well, I hope you're ol' bus freezes up." Jennings laugh and shot back, "Yeah, well, I hope your ol' airplane crahses." No wonder the man drank himself to oblivion in his later years...

5) The pilot wasn't an experienced nighttime flyer and was misinformed about weather conditions. It is said that poor visibility and a lack of sufficient operating instruments were likely leading contributors in the crash, which killed the pilot on impact.

Looking for something uplifting after all this? Thanks to the magic of technology, the great work these gentlemen did before their untimely deaths is preserved for all time... here's Buddy Holly, for starters:

Related:

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The Beatles Get Back to Where They Once Belonged

Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

All Sara Dye, 27, wanted from Hooters was her job back-- or, if she couldn't have that, the unemployment benefits she was due under Iowa state law. However, her ex-employer fought her all the way through trial, desperate to prevent her from receiving the few hundred dollars (we're guessing) she was owed.

Not only that, but Dye hadn't done anything deliberate that warranted a sacking-- unless you count picking the Boyfriend or Husband From Hell...

Dye was hospitalized, battered and bruised, following several unspecified instances of "domestic abuse," according to The Des Moines Register. Dye met with the Davenport Hooters management and all parties agreed she was not well enough to work-- because of her appearance, of course. God forbid horny perverts see anything other than a bunch of flawless Barbie dolls worshiping at their feet, waiting for wings orders. In fact, it's written in the Hooters manual that a hostess (Dye's job) must maintain a "glamorous appearance."

When Dye was unable to heal fast enough, she was prevented from returning to work. When she asked another employee what the deal was, the employee told Dye she had been fired. Thankfully, a judge sided with the victim and awarded her the benefits. But, good Lord, was it worth it, Hooters?

Our handbook states you have to have a glamorous appearance. It doesn't actually say, 'Bruises on your face are not allowed.' It does talk about the all-American cheerleader look."

Sheedy said Dye could now resume working at Hooters, assuming she maintained a glamorous appearance.

"She told me that she was very badly beaten, she (had been) unconscious, she was in the hospital," Duvall said. "She was like, 'I really want to work next week. ...' I said, 'You need to come in and speak to Gina and let her see your appearance.'"

God bless America.

Related:

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Man Celebrates His 100th Birthday at Hooters

Hooters, Like Cockroaches, Will Survive the Apocalypse... And The Olympics

This Week In Gayness: The Coming Out TV Series

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:15:00 GMT

Sioux City, Iowa decided not to vote on gay marriage because they're not sure they have the authority to do so. We wish Prop 8 supporters had realized the same thing.

Arizona can't even decide whether it wants to support equal judicial representation of gay people.

Headline of the week: "How gay are Philly athletes?" Answer: very.

The State Department has find an interesting way to stop gay marriage...

I've now seen a couple of different reports (here and now here) about how same-sex couples who legally change their names on their marriage certificates are unable to get the State Department to recognize that name change on the couple's passports. In these cases, the State Department takes the position that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prevents the government from recognizing a name change effected in conjunction with a same-sex marriage. Nonetheless, the State Department will recognize the name change if the couple takes the separate (and completely unnecessary) step of going to court to get a judicial name change or if the new name is used publicly and exclusively for a period of at least five years (and you can document such use).

Showtime is producing a reality show called Coming Out, which is, you guessed it, about people who come out to their bizarrely-clueless families.

New Jersey may have marriage equality in the near future.

"Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality." - Jon Stewart

Melissa Etheridge and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a fight about gay marriage on The View.

And another dumb kid wore a pro-Prop 8 shrit to school.

Related:

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This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

An Iowa court has agreed to entertain challenges to the state's discriminatory gay marriage law.

Here's more info on that transgender prostitute who was beaten to death in a Memphis jail.

An 18-year-old who is transitioning from female to male has some devastating words for high schools, their students, and their administrators.

Apparently, Washington State residents are unaware of the separation of church and state-- or the fact that "religion is superstition and myth," as an infamous stolen sign indicated.

Don't forget: a Day Without A Gay is Wednesday. Read more about that here.

An art student at Brigham Young University saw his art project, which featured gay students from the school, censored and possibly even removed.

And some hope for the future:

North Carolina law does prohibit gay marriage here, but GOP attempts to enshrine it in the state constitution have so far failed.

Carrboro has had a long history of being gay-friendly. It was one of the first communities in North Carolina to offer health benefits to the same-sex partners of municipal workers. Openly gay former Mayor Mike Nelson served five terms and is now an Orange County commissioner.

So it did not really surprise many in this state when the other day the Carrboro city council has passed a resolution supporting gay marriage and sent copies of it off to the state and federal government.

Hey, every step in the right direction is deserving of applause...

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College President Who Stopped Student From Drinking From Broken Keg Resigns

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 20:32:00 GMT

You know we're kidding when we used the words "stopped" and "broken" in that headline, right?

College President (not the student-elected kind) Robert Paxton was at a July 4th lake party when he was caught in the above photo helping a lovely young lass with her beverage:

"If you want to know the truth, the thing was broken," he said. "I never opened the tap on any keg."

Asked what he was doing with the keg suspended over the woman's open mouth, Paxton said: "Nothing. The thing didn't work. I was laughing at them. You know, if I was doing anything, I was grabbing it and trying to put it back down."

Uhhh... right. So that explains the fact that you are working the tap itself... how?

Wisely, Paxton decided not to fight the charges raised by his own Iowa Central Community College board and simply walked off the job, collecting hundreds of thousands of dollars on his way out. Amazingly, though, the story of how Paxton got a bunch of his underage son's friends drunk doesn't end there:

Paxton also denied that his 19-year-old son was drinking that day, yet police records show the young Paxton was picked up for a DUI charge later that evening. [DeadSpin]

Wow. This guy is the worst liar ever. Good riddance... after all, underage kids don't need you to help with their beer, creepy old dude.

Missouri Republican Resigns To Spend More Time With Family, Soon Gets Arrested For Sexually Assaulting 14-Year-Old

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Video of the Day: Olympians And Their Tacos

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:10:00 GMT

At least in this video, Ortega is not the champion of great-- or even good-- taste.

Unless, of course, they're clueless about the ramificiations of having (sixteen-year-old gold medal Iowaist) Shawn Johnson say, "It makes my taco pop." In an unrelated story, Gary Glitter said he will next hide out in Mexico.

Previously: Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Are We Wrong To Post These Pics Of Shawn Johnson In A Bikini?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:08:00 GMT

Under the guise of posting about eighteen-year-old Olympian powerhouse Natasia Liukin (above), The Improper and Egotastic are both asking for it when they leak these Miley Cyrus-esque poses of jailbait gold medalist Shawn Johnson wearing a bikini and prancing about...

Well, they're basically asking for a lot of pervs to find their pages via Google image search, while the rest of us just say, Hey, there's nothing wrong with celebrating the female form in its finest, most triumphant glory, but we'll wait another couple of years and, in the meantime, stick to drooling over Victoria Pendleton...

Meanwhile, Johnson, who won a gold a set of silvers, is apparently such a huge celebrity now, the pilot on her recent flight from Chicago to New York had to be taken to the hospital after bumping his head from excitement when he heard she was on a plane. Thousands in her home state of Iowa turned out to see a glimpse of her, as if she were all four Beatles rolled into one.

We're sure to be seeing more of these types of candids leaking out... which will only add to her fame, of course.

Related:

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Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Sloppy Seconds: More Naughty Miley Cyrus Photos Leaked

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Beckinsale's Vagina Fear

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:13:00 GMT

The President of Pakistan resigned today following an emotional, hour-long speech recapping his life. Has George W. Bush ever given a speech, besides the State of the Union, that lasted more than eight seconds?

A woman recalls her nightmare date with the phony "Rockefeller" kidnapper. She knew he was a fake when she saw Post It notes all over his car reminding him of his different "life stories."

John Mayer spoke to TMZ about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

"There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. People are different, people have different chemistry, different lives. You're either a cheater or you break up and I'm not the first one, I'm the second one. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
"Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
"I guarantee you there's 20 per cent of people on this street that are in a relationship they wish they could get out of and don't know how."

Laurence Fishburne will join CSI, as rumors previously suggested.

Just have colon surgery? Here, have some gum.

Wanted: women in Australia who do not consider themselves attractive.

What is up with the beer kegs in Iowa?

And Kate Beckinsale almost had a vagina slip, or she tells it:

"It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn't have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.

"On the way home, I said to my husband 'Darling, I think they might have gotten it.' And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed."

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

Kate Beckinsale Would Much Rather F*ck Than Cook

Scanner Highs And Lows: But If You Are In The Mood...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

...maybe your sex drive isn't as high as it should be. Maybe you're burnt out from fantasizing about lingerie models. Or maybe you've just been mauled by a crazed grizzly bear.

In any case, you need some refreshment...

Highs:

CNN solved that sex drive problem, ladies. Sort of.

The Daily Show's five sexiest clips turned us on, for sure.

Anne Hathaway, as viewed from the side, caused total computer hardware failure. From drooling on the keyboard.

At least she didn't pick herself: Naomi Campbell named the last true supermodel, and we have to agree with her on the sexiness factor.

Lows:

Snickers didn't bring on a bout of the chuckles.

Ashley Alexandra Durpe couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. We mean... never mind.

Viewed from a distance, Brad Pitt is a) just as sexy or b) a lousy father?

The man eating bears had nothing to do with sex, but they, um, scared the pants off us. Does that count?

The 9/11 thing... got us hot and bothered? Nice try, but not really... mainly just bothered.

There's a 17-year-old girl stripping in Iowa. 17: not acceptable. 18: here's a dollar for your humiliation.

If engaging in fellatio this weekend, take this girl's advice: "Do Not Swallow!"

Iowa Strip Club Features 17-Year-Old Dancer, Claims Artistic License

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 14:33:00 GMT

In Iowa, in the land where they let the children cry, a man is on trial after police learned a seventeen-year-old girl had twice performed at his strip club... or is it his performing arts center?

Clarence Judy owns a venue called Shotgun Geniez in the town of Hamburg. (We had to check to make sure this was, in fact, in the United States and not Germany before writing this.) No one is questioning this or the central event of the case, that

a 17-year-old got on stage at Shotgun Geniez and danced fully nude twice the night of July 21, 2007. The pivotal question was whether or not that was permissible under the Iowa law that exempts theaters, concert halls, art centers, museums, or similar establishments from public decency laws.

Judy argues that, for several reasons, he isn't responsible for what happened, claiming that because performers are independent contractors, they are not employees. He also says they are not required to perform in the nude, although he admits that most attendees are there for the T&A. He hands out sketchbooks, which is hilarious bullshit from our point of view, hoping that either a) patrons will draw the models like it's some sort of night class or b) people will actually believe he's trying to turn his girls into artistic nudes.

Judy testified that the girl was snuck into the club by her friends and that he didn’t see her go in.

“If I would have seen her I would have ID’ed her because I didn’t know her,” he said in court.

He said the group of eight was crammed into the small entry way and blocked his view from the window purposefully.

The venue's website calls itself a "Sensual Entertainment Theater," although the web address contains the phrase "stripclub": http://shotgungeniez.iowastripclubs.com/

Via Nebraska City News-Press (Iowa.)

Big Announcement: A New Presidential Candidate

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:33:00 GMT

We wanted to make sure you were the first to know. Full story here.

All kidding aside, the real story is that the first cracks in the "Democratic year" story the media has been trumpeting finally appeared yesterday.

The Co-Chairs of University of Iowa Students for Hillary have just sent out a Facebook message imploring the group's members to vote for John McCain -- or, if that's too hard to stomach, presumptive Green Party nominee Cynthia McKinney.
"John McCain is an honorable man," the letter states. "He is good personal friends with Hillary Clinton. He is qualified to be president. We do not agree with him on everything, and this is why we urge you to strongly support Democrats up for re-election to congress."

We understand you're bitter, but don't go imitating these ill-informed fools. Being "qualified" for the job is utterly irrelevant to the task of being President-- most great Presidents would be canceled out by this stringent rule, while Dickhead Cheney would blow them all outta the water. "We do not agree with him on everything"-- no, morons, you don't agree with him on anything. That's why you support Hillary Clinton-- she's everything John McCain is not.

Meanwhile, two Democratic Congressman have refused to endorse Obama, one saying that Obama is "the most liberal Senator." Obviously, Ted Kennedy, Chuck Schumer, Barbara Boxer, and many other Senators died last night.

Please let these be the first and last signs of fracture... Barack Obama is a better candidate, a better campaigner, and although maybe not all that we want him to be, he is light years beyond the Neanderthal that is John McCain, who seems stuck with President Bush in Medieval Times.

Via Politico.

Man Celebrates His 100th Birthday at Hooters

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 20:16:00 GMT

Wouldn't you?

John Persinger celebrated his 100th birthday at Hooters yesterday. And his wife, Vi, who died a while ago, whouldn't have minded, either. Apparently the couple were regulars at their local breast and boobs establishment, in Iowa. And he has a good sense of humor about it all:

"One guy at the church said, 'Didn't you hear the message this morning about looking at girls and everything?' I told him I was going to Hooters to eat chicken wings."

It's the truth, but maybe not the whole truth. Persinger has been known to ask the women if they'd like a 100-year-old kiss.

Aw. He's so cute!

[Des Moines Register: Centenarian celebrates with women, wings]

(Thanks, Andrew!)