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Look at This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter Behind Bars

Emily Farris — Mon, 04 May 2009 18:24:00 GMT

We may be walking proof that honest hard work gets you nowhere, but we still cannot (yet) endorse lying, cheating and stealing as a way to get through life. Especially because, as Kari Ferrell, the Hipster Grifter, will probably tell you in her memoir (or VH1 reality show) someday, that shit will just land you in jail.

That's right, Doree Shafrir, who has been following the story for the New York Observer, has confirmed that Kari Farrell is in the slammer.

Here's how it all went down.

Apparently, Farrell turned herself in to Philadelphia police last night then called and called ANIMAL New York’s Bucky Turco at 2:30 a.m. this morning to let him know. She, of course, made this call from her super-hip iPhone. And according to a spokeswoman for the PPD, Ferrell has been arrested.

Perhaps this is where the Hipster Grifter's story ends. Though we sort-of think not.

[The Observer: Confirmed: Grifter in Slammer]

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Boy George Spends a Lot of Time in the Shower Room at Jail

Colleen Kane — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:25:00 GMT

We are still adjusting to the idea of Boy George O' Dowd being thrown in the slammer. When we loved him growing up, he was just a harmless dancing soft-pop singer with makeup and multicolored braids. Now, according to The Sun, he's a bald thug lurking in the showers in the resort jail he shares with Jack Tweed, husband of the recently deceased British reality star Jade Goody.

According to the unnamed source (of course) in the story, practically every time Jack tries to go down to the shower room, George is down there "having a wash" and "wiping himself down," there is some awkward eye contact, then Jack scampers away.

This line is the story's most surprising: "George, 47, who stands 6ft, is said to be an intimidating figure for young prisoners at the jail."

Really?

Good thing these kids aren't in a real jail.

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

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With Most Teachers Already In Jail, Principals Getting In On The Student Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 19:10:00 GMT

Yes, we're exaggerating a bit when we claim "most" teachers are in jail for sleeping with their students (or other underage kids.) But it's no great lie to say that it feels like at least twice a day now that we're hit with another rough set of allegations about teaching staff going hog wild in locker rooms, parked cars, or on classroom desks.

Brookann Collier, a 32-year-old from Santa Maria, California, decided that she would be one of the few to get away with it...

Collier is was a principal at Tunnell Elementary School in town, which is where she met a 14-year-old that she slept with for almost five years. The victim, now 20, since graduated from both the elementary school and a nearby high school, but that doesn't mean Collier was off the hook. While many grown men claim they "wish" something sinister like this had happened to them in their glory days, there's an usual twist here:

The victim is a girl. The rumor is she wasn't a lesbian at all and continued the relationship under force. Either way, Collier is charged with child molestation because the victim was under 15 at the time of the first sexual assault. The accused posted the $100,000 in bail and is now out on the street.

Image via here.

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Wacko Right-Wing Politician Hit With Nude Photo Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 16:02:00 GMT

Pauline Hanson has railed against an "Asian invasion" in Australia, been to jail for electoral fraud, appeared on Dancing With the Stars, and made a strong political comeback, all over the course of a relatively brief career.

Now, Hanson's bid "as an independent at the upcoming 2009 Queensland state election" may be in jeopardy after a series of nude and raunchy photos have surfaced...

When Hanson was 19, she posed for another teenager who she fell for thanks to his awesome Harley Davidson motorcycle. At least, that's what her now ex-boyfriend told the Australian papers that originally published these photos. At some point, he convinced her to pose for his camera:

Unfortunately, these censored pics are the only ones released by the media.

Two things: one, this girl looks older than 19 and two, how can we be sure this is her? Hanson denies it, flat out, although that's the obvious talking point for a right-wing politician. The publisher of the original photos claims that his paper did "a very, very extensive checking process which... involves stripping out colours, looking at the pixel count in images. These images are not doctored. They are not fakes, it's not her head stuck on somebody else's body."

While the model may be entirely human, how do we know the model is Pauline Hanson?

Australia's major political parties could care less-- they were in unanimous agreement that the photos will not affect this weekend's election...

Read more about this story here.

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Sloppy Seconds: What Do David Lynch and The Dalai Lama Have in Common?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 23:33:00 GMT

Porn: it's where your tax dollars are going. [KMBC-TV]

A Rod—or that dude Madonna was fucking, depending on what kind-of news you follow—has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs. You know, for baseball. [Jossip]

It has been confirmed that Rihanna was the woman Chris Brown assaulted on Saturday, resulting in both of their absences at yesterday's Grammy Awards show. [FadedYouth]

How many times does Jodie Sweetin have to tell you she's no longer a Meth addict? [People]

A 16-year-old prisoner was found in the back of a judge's car. Unfortunately, it's not as exciting as it sounds. [The Macomb Daily]

Dude! The Dalai Lama is Twittering! [Yahoo!]

So is David Lynch! [Twitter]

Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:49:00 GMT

Picture this: you live in a trailer in Houma, Lousiana. No, that's too horrible to imagine for most-- how about this instead:

Imagine a woman is living in a trailer in Louisiana. One night, she invites two thirteen-year-old boys and four boys of legal age to her place for a game of cards. After losing what we must assume was a very randy round of strip poke, she asks all six dudes to accompany her to the bedroom, where they took turns having sex with her while the others gawked, giggled, and most likely turned toward each other with "Dude, holy shit, dude!" looks on their faces.

Now, if you're the judge sentencing this woman-- remember, you're in the South-- how much jail time do you slap this woman with?

If you're Judge Timothy Ellender, the answer is NONE. Ellender is one of those rare judges who, instead of trying to win reelection by showing the media how unfairly tough on crime he can be, actually heeded the advice of the victim's family, who asked that Maureen Lirette receive zero jail time. They told the judge that the boys were not upset and, because Lirette has a young daughter, it would be best for everyone if Lirette received probation.

Thanks to state law allowing victims to weigh in on a criminal's punishment, the Judge was able to hear the family's recommendations. He listened, and now Lirette will serve five years of supervised probation and be placed in a registry of sex offenders. Among Judge Ellender's greatest hits, according to WWLTV:

“So this was a gang bang? Are you pleased with yourself? Can’t you get yourself a man?”
“There’s a double standard. Some people think you did a 13-year-old boy a favor. I certainly don’t.”

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. But you need to be embarrassed.”

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Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Things seem to be looking up for Jennifer Hudson this year. Rumor has it, she may be singing the "Star Spangled Banner" for Obama's inauguration. [Radar]

Matt Dillon is facing a possible three months in jail if convicted for driving 103 miles an hour in a 65-mph zone. [Us]

John Travolta's son, Jett, is dead at 16. [Gawker]

Who is Lily Allen's new gray-haired mystery man? [FadedYouth]

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex is losing its appeal as a tourist destination. [Queerty]

Like her mother before her, Bristol Palin went straight back to ~~work~~ school days after the birth of her son. Or so her mother would like us to know. [People]

Like us, Kate Winslet does not go to the gym. Unlike us, it works for her. [FameCrawler]

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While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

This Week in Gayness: Call In Gay Tomorrow

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:12:00 GMT

An Iowa court has agreed to entertain challenges to the state's discriminatory gay marriage law.

Here's more info on that transgender prostitute who was beaten to death in a Memphis jail.

An 18-year-old who is transitioning from female to male has some devastating words for high schools, their students, and their administrators.

Apparently, Washington State residents are unaware of the separation of church and state-- or the fact that "religion is superstition and myth," as an infamous stolen sign indicated.

Don't forget: a Day Without A Gay is Wednesday. Read more about that here.

An art student at Brigham Young University saw his art project, which featured gay students from the school, censored and possibly even removed.

And some hope for the future:

North Carolina law does prohibit gay marriage here, but GOP attempts to enshrine it in the state constitution have so far failed.

Carrboro has had a long history of being gay-friendly. It was one of the first communities in North Carolina to offer health benefits to the same-sex partners of municipal workers. Openly gay former Mayor Mike Nelson served five terms and is now an Orange County commissioner.

So it did not really surprise many in this state when the other day the Carrboro city council has passed a resolution supporting gay marriage and sent copies of it off to the state and federal government.

Hey, every step in the right direction is deserving of applause...

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Today's Cradle-Robbing Cutie: Drama Teacher Lisa Glide

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:24:00 GMT

'Tis the season for stories of teachers sleeping with high school students, apparently.

35-year-old New Jersey drama teacher Lisa "Astro?" Glide was taken in by the cops yesterday following revelations she had a continuing sexual relationship with one of her students, a seventeen-year-old who has long since graduated. If these charges stick, she could face up to twenty years in prison...

Here are some comments we've seen on various news sites discussing this case:

-Hey authorities, he’s a little hint - if the “victim” is older than 13, he is not really a victim. He’s the luckiest dude at school - especially when the supposed “sex offender” looks like she just walked off the Cowboys cheerleading squad.
-Yet ANOTHER female predator. You can bet she'll get off with a slap. If a man did this, he'd be put away forever.
-seriously.....does anyone believe a 17 year old boy be emotionaly harmed by this? This may sound like double standard/sexist but just wondering?

I'll be more harmed by this becoming public, especiallly if she was not that attractive.

I understand her responsibility as a teacher but he is 17....
-Going back 5 yrs when I was 17 and if my teacher looked as good I would definately do her. A 17yr old male definately knows what he is doing. The teacher shouldnt be lawfully punished but definately fired and should seek a new career.

P.S. Good job lil man! Hope you scored an A++

Hey, 22-year-old dude: you'd be helping your case a whole more if you spelled "definitely" correctly when you say a 17-year-old "definately know what he is doing," since you sure as hell don't.

We post these stories all the time, but no one ever weighs in on whether these (FEMALE) teachers deserve punishment beyond an obvious firing. What do you think? If the now-eighteen-year-old guy consented and continued to consent throughout and testifies in her defense, what should her punishment be, if anything?

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Sloppy Seconds: Obama's Brother From Another Mother

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:31:00 GMT

Is Argentina crying for Madonna after she had to postpone a show there? Enh, probably not. [Yahoo!]

We're not the only ones with "sloppy seconds." [MollyGood]

Actor Mark Ruffalo's brother is "clinging to life" after he was shot in the head. [Us]

Duuuuuuuuude. A 2,700-year-old weed stash was uncovered in the Gobi Desert. Wonder if it's still good? [MSNBC]

Amy Winehouse's possibly soon-to-be ex husband Blake Feilder Civil is yet again Blake Incarcerated. [People]

Nintendo has come a long way, from boring old Mario and Luigi to video games with racial slurs. [MTV]

This is Barack Obama's half brother, we think:

[Via Daily Intel]

[Image]

Man Gets 4 Years For Doing Something Horrible To Grandma's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We were in Clearwater, Florida for Thanksgiving this year and heard a story so creepy, even we didn't want to write about it.

Which, as you know, means this is one you won't be able to brush off, no matter how much you drink to forget...

In court nearby, a twenty-year-old man named Nicholas Densmore (hopefully no relation to the Doors drummer-- or anyone else, for that matter) was being sentenced to four years in prison and one year's probation for raping a Yorkshire terrier. What's worse, it was his grandmother's dog.

And his grandmother caught him in the act.

Claudette Densmore spotted Nicholas hanging out with the dog in her family's motor home. When she approached, he took off running and dumped the dog in a trash can nearby. The dog tested positive for... oh, really, do you want to know? You don't. What makes this story all the more bizarre is that Nicholas's entire family testified in his favor and claimed the boy is schizophrenic, was off his meds, and should be at home where he can be supervised... by his grandmother. (Fark-ready tagline: "Why do they hate animals so much?")

Now that we think about it, was it wrong to put this guy away for four years, in light of what we know about his medical problems and the family's steadfast support?

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Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

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Sloppy Seconds: Divorce for Amy Winehouse?

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:57:00 GMT

Be sure to go outside tonight. And then look up: A slender crescent moon, just 15-percent illuminated, will appear in very close proximity to the two brightest planets in our sky, Venus and Jupiter. Pretty! [Yahoo!]

This article, exploring the best age for sex, rubs our inner fuddy-duddy the wrong way: "And here's another bombshell the survey uncovered with which Mr Hefner might concur: ditching your long-term partner for someone new when you turn 40 is said to guarantee that you'll cash in on the sexual revolution. In other words, by getting a new brawn when you're about to experience a mid-life crisis means you'll be happier in the sack than you ever were before." [Sydney Morning Herald]

Is 30 Rock completely out of good guest stars? Let's let Larry King be the judge of that. [Vulture]

Y'all: Britney Spears' family didn't fuck her up. Her break-up with Justin Timberlake did. [Us]

Yes, Virginia, there is a liberal media. And yeah, it may have favored Barack Obama. [Yahoo!]

Blake Fielder Civil, otherwise known as Blake Incarcerated or Mr. Amy Winehouse, thinks it might be time to let his lady love go. You know, for her own good. [People]

[Image]

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 19:09:00 GMT

What did one forty-year-old Dad do to prove his son was innocent of rape?

Why, show a school administrator the kid's sex tape, of course...

Early reports first indicated Cary, North Carolina father Dwayne Anthony Frazier (who is either 41 or 42, depending on which report you believe) brought a sex tape involving a son to a school official (likely the principal) in hopes of clearing the boy of rape allegations. Instead, he's been arrested on charges of second-degree and third-degree sexual exploitation of a minor.

It gets weirder: Frazier's son is only 17, which would make this child pornography. And weirder: the girl is rumored to be only 14-years-old. Whoops.

And now there's a rumor going around that Mr. Frazier himself filmed the supposedly consensual sex.

If Dad is trying to help his son stay out of jail, maybe he should just stop now.

Photo via WRAL.

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 15:55:00 GMT

Poor Stifler.

A forty-year-old Syracuse, Utah mother of a very embarrassed high school boy had sex with at least two of his classmates and sent nude photos of herself to a host of others. Kimberly/Kimberlee Arigot, seen here in her mugshot, has allegedly been sleeping with the two teenage males, aged 15 and 17, for more than a year, while texting at least one other boy with whom she did not have sexual relations.

The Salt Lake City-area Mom, who is apparently single, has posted bail and is back at home, where several of the encounters are believed to have taken place. Early news reports indicate she has been charged with sexual relations with a minor and procuring alcohol for minors.

She has reportedly confessed to all charges.

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Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:16:00 GMT

This is a story to make your balls retract into your stomach, a la Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions" character.

Charlie Manning (who actually gave his name to reporters for no good reason) just collected a cool 300 grand from the State of Washington, thanks to their terrible prison system. Not bad for less than a year of his time... although, there is that problem of his having left jail without a penis and second testicle...

Washington state has agreed to pay $300,000 to an ex-prison inmate whose penis was consumed by a flesh-eating bacteria while he was behind bars.
Charlie Manning told The Seattle Times Monday he will have $115,000 left after paying attorney's fees arising from his lawsuit and other bills. He expects to get the money this week.
"It's been a nightmare," Manning said. "I figured I should settle for what I could get because I just want it behind me. It's unreal. It's like something from Mars."
Manning, 61, was serving a 13-month sentence for a drunken fight when he became ill. The prison doctor wrongly diagnosed his symptoms as an allergic reaction to medication. It turned out he had necrotizing fasciitis and the bacteria destroyed his penis and one testicle.

Good Lord, what is this, France? No, Charlie, this isn't from Mars-- it's called American Justice, and it's more frightening than the words "Sarah Palin 2012." Remember kids: if you're going to do the crime, make sure you don't end up doing the time in Washington State.

Via 96.1.

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Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 22:19:00 GMT

After male superhero movie after male superhero movie after male superhero movie, Wonder Woman is finally going to the big screen—except not. It's going straight to DVD. And it's animated. [Jezebel]

Britney Spears equates her life to a jail sentence. [People]

Is Nicole Kidman going to be the next star to quit the biz? Yawn. [Yahoo!]

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Wentz are still waiting for that baby to pop out. [MTV]

Courtney Love would like you to know she's not suicidal after a crazy death rant on her MySpace blog. [Us]

Dumb Cops Make Mondays Bearable

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Like many of you, we're suckers for corrupt cop stories. Not the scary corruption kind (like Matt Damon in The Departed), the kind that involves traffic cops sleeping with women they've given $100 in tickets to in exchange for ripping up said tickets.

Two stories today jumped out at us about cops who weren't just dumber than the criminals they usually tackle, but funnier and widely-publicized, too...

1) A married British constable was sentenced to four months in jail because he could not stop having sex with women while at work. The first woman used to make him meals and had sex with him while he was on duty, while the second woman was undoubtedly a victim. He arrested her after an incident involving her boyfriend, stroked her hands while fingerprinting her, then, while he was supposed to be giving her a ride home in a police van, invited her to take a walk in the woods for a "chat." He then all but forced a kiss on her, whereupon she decided to file the complaint that landed him in prison. Bye bye, copper. [Yahoo]

2) Check this out... you're a bored Secret Service agent and you decide you desperately need to get laid. So what do you do? If you're this unnamed agent, you roll up to a female prostitute, inquire about her pricing, show her your Secret Service uniform so she knows who to look for down the road, agree on a $20 fee (for what? a kiss on the cheek? that's it? $20?), and roll straight over to where the DC police, which is conducting a sting, is ready to arrest you. Let's hope this guy wasn't on the Presidential detail or Barack Obama is in trouble... [Fox]

Woman Kills Rapist With Shotgun Blast Through Her Front Door

Germany's Richest Woman Blackmailed With Own Sex Tape

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Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:25:00 GMT

Patrick Dempsey didn't dig the doc firing on Grey's Anatomy. Perhaps he knows something we don't about ABC's true motives?

This guy will either be dead or a legend by 27.

Eddie Izzard made the really dumb decision, as he is not a US citizen, to donate to Obama. He made an even dumber one when he admitted to doing so on CNN.

Michael Crichton died of cancer, a battle which was kept entirely private.

Who gave 50 Cent a reality show? Jesus Christ. Well, at least it's a positive show for a change.

And Amy Winehouse's husband ("Blakey," we think his name is) was released from jail after a year of hell... or, if you're married to Amy Winehouse, womb-like bliss.

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Republican Ex-Assemblyman, Tough On Sex Offenders, Busted For...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:12:00 GMT

Three guesses as to what Republican Chris Ortloff, a former member of the New York State Assembly, is facing life in prison for...

1) Ortloff served twenty years in the State Legislature before he was appointed to the parole board by Gov. George Pataki, a position he retains to this day.

2) Ortloff discovered the cursed internet, invented by his nemesis Al Gore, and decided he liked it. Well, he liked the part about being able to e-mail (what he thought were) 11 and 12-year-old sisters in hopes of arranging hotel sex.

3) The perv went to a hotel with "condoms, lubricants, a vibrator, and a camera" to capture the illicit sex with the underage girls. Of course, the underage girls were actually cops who were legally allowed to kick his door down and haul his ass downtown, which is exactly what they did.

4) Now Ortloff faces ten years to life in the slammer for his attempted night of sin. He's due back in court today for a bail hearing. Good luck with that-- see you at your first parole board hearing, dumbass!

Via Newsday.

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Sloppy Seconds: John Cusack's Stalker is Neither Off the Hook or Unattractive

Emily Farris — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Are you surprised that there's an official Sarah Palin sex doll on the market? [The Frisky]

Guns 'n Roses Chinese Democracy, the follow-up to the band's 1991 Use Your Illusion, is really, finally coming out November 23. For real. Finally. [MTV]

Anna Wintour is in looooove! [Radar]

Poor Hugh Hefner. He's "in the dumps" after one of his lady friends left him. Perhaps one of the other two can console him? [People]

Because what TV executive hasn't been a gay porn star? [Defamer]

We can't really blame a girl for stalking John Cusack; who hasn't imagined him standing outside her window, wearing a terribly charming trench coat and holding a boom box over his head? So forgive us if we have a little pity on Emily Leatherman, the woman accused of stalking Cusack. Wednesday, judge rejected a plea bargain that would have allowed Leatherman to avoid state prison. If she ends up there, we'll send her casseroles. Totally without nail files baked into them! [Yahoo!]

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Who Would You Rather: Joe "Boobies" Francis vs. Hugh Hefner?

Sloppy Seconds: Kelly Rowland's Booty Implants?

**Blogs That Ain't Sh*t But Hos and Tricks**

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:38:00 GMT

Here's one for the ages: a thirteen-year-old boy has been busted for possession of child pornography after a female classmate sent him a nude cell phone photo...

The boy, a student at Sanger Middle School in Denton County, Texas, was arrested, kept in a detention facility overnight, and suspended from school after he received the unsolicited message. As one parent put it, "He doesn't know what a felony means. He doesn't understand what pornography means." His mother added, "He's a 13-year-old child. He's in middle school. He's supposed to be out there having fun, hanging out and playing football, which he loves to do. Instead, he's having to sit at home with mom and dad."

Notice Mom isn't at all concerned, it seems, about the fact that her son is getting nude photos from middle school girls he knows. Of course, if he doesn't know what porn is, he's probably not having sex either, so maybe their lack of concern is appropriate. (However, and though we'd rather defend than prosecute this kid, he probably should have deleted the photo right away, especially since school officials caught on and warned everyone to delete any inappropriate photos immediately. After all, he does live in Texas-- we wouldn't be surprised if he was tried as an adult, sentenced for four hundred years in jail, then watch as the sentence is "commuted" to immediate execution by firing squad. Just kidding.)

Read more about the case here. UPDATE: Just to be clear, the above photo is of a model for a porn site... at least, that's what a porn site has claimed. See my comment below...

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While You Were Sleeping: Lookin' For Asian Women

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 13:08:00 GMT

The new exhibit on sex and politics opened at the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana.

Ex-NBA star Kevin Johnson's run for the Mayor of Sacramento may be in jeopardy after it was revealed he (may have) used AmeriCorps members that were working with his nonprofit do personal errands for him. Oh, and there is the whiff of sex, too.

You'll never guess which celebrity is converting to the Jewish faith to please his girlfriend...

Irish actor Colin Farrell is reportedly abandoning his Catholic faith to convert to Judaism for new girlfriend Emma Forrest. [Farrell] has been dating British novelist Forrest since June, but the romance appears to be turning serious. [Starpulse]

A stolen Renoir was recovered in Italy three decades later.

An assistant principal who had a torrid affair-- with a 17-year-old female student-- will spend the next two years with big burly men.

A man in Brisbane is accused of stroking a latex vagina in front of two women. We're not sure why either.

The Playboy Mansion and the rest of Hugh Hefner's empire could be in trouble if he doesn't lay off some of his staff, according to recent rumors.

The best missed connection we saw this morning:

WHITE MALE LOOKING FO ASIAN WOMEN - m4w - 52 (QUEENS -LI)
I AM A WHITE MALE AND I NEVER HAD AN INDIAN WOMEN AND WOULD LIKE TO EXPERENCE IT. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED PLEASE WRITE BACK WITH A PICTURE AND YOUR AGE.

And Scarlett Johansson married Ryan Reynolds in Canada. Words escape us to aptly describe this tragedy.

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

The 10 Best Date Movies

News Anchor Fired After His Swingers Craigslist Ad Cracks Up The Office

Where to Find a Craigslist Missed Connection in Alaska

This Weekend In Missed Connections: Bus Driver Blues

Sloppy Seconds: How Did DJ A.M. and Travis Barker Survive Their Plane Crash?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Chef Jamie Oliver (probably known as the Naked Chef) is expecting his third child with wife, Jools. [Us]

Following in the footsteps of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Steven Spielberg and his wife, Kate Capshaw, have donated $100,000 to fight a California referendum seeking to ban gay marriage. [Yahoo!]

It's probably a safe bet not letting Sarah Palin anywhere near reporters while she's unscripted, right? [Radar]

We can safely say this is the worst bumper sticker we've ever seen. Even worse than the pro-George Bush stickers. Promise. And, uh, as Perez Hilton would say, don't click if you're easily offended. [Queerty]

If you had to choose between life behind bars and life with Amy Winehouse, which would you choose? Which did her hubby choose? [MollyGood]

So how is it that two celebrities survived a plane crash that four other people died in? Quick thinking, along the lines of stop, drop and roll. [People]

Woman Gets Life For... Sex With A Five-Year-Old Boy?!

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 18:09:00 GMT

Do we think it's fair that a 33-year-old woman, who was then only 21, got such a harsh punishment for having sex with a five-year-old under her then-husband's direction?

Here are the facts:

Kelly Lumadue, seen above, was barely legal herself when she had sex with a five-year-old boy. Lumadue claims her husband, now since passed away, all but forced her to get it on with the kid for her husband's leering camera.

In 2003, a garbageman found the tape, watched it, and reported Lumadue and her husband to the authorities. Bud, the hubby, died soon thereafter, of cancer. The boy, now a teenager, has no recollection of the events... at least not yet... and no one seems to know how he ended up in Lumadue's house.

Under Florida state law for capital sexual battery offenses, life in prison without the possibility of parole is the only permitted sentence, which is exactly what Lumadue received.

The question is not whether the crime was heinous. The question is whether we believe the crime was cruel enough to permit what's basically a death sentence. What do you think?

Related:

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Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:12:00 GMT

Hey, just because R. Kelly was acquitted doesn't mean we should all run out and find jailbait to have sex with. More importantly, if we're dumb enough to do all that, we should probably not film the sex with our cellphone cameras.

Well, that's just what one 31-year-old Florida woman did... and was caught because she all but asked to be...

The Orlando Sun Sentinel, which is always fun of delicious insanity (that's probably where we got the story about the guy who robbed his next door neighbor's house and then decided to have a yard sale with all the stolen goods), reports on this dimwit:

Stacey Sheldon of Apopka was arrested Tuesday on charges of sexual activity and use of a child in a sexual performance. She told investigators that it was her idea to video tape their encounter with her phone, according to the arrest report.

Authorities were alerted after Sheldon had accidentally left her cell phone at another teenager's house. The 16-year-old victim told detectives that he met Sheldon in July. They had sex four or five times in various places, including his house and her home.

Let's just go over that again, shall we: you had sex with a 16-year-old boy. You decide, this would be something to videotape, let's film this sumbitchin' good time. Then, somewhere along the line, you decide it's not a big deal to just leave the evidence around for anyone to find.

Bye bye, Sheldon... see you in 40 years...

Via the Orlando Sun Sentinel.

Sloppy Seconds: Are Lindsay and Sam Finally, Really Engaged?

Boy Catches Teacher Jerking Off... On The Teacher's Porch

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

"Do That Little Cheerleader Move," NY State Assemblyman Tells Intern

You Know Your Wedding Was A Blast When You Were Both Tasered... Twice

Blake Fielder-Civil Sends Amy Winehouse A Pic Of His Dick

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:02:00 GMT

What do you do if your husband sends you a picture of his dick from prison? If you're Amy Winehouse, you immediately post it to your Facebook profile...

If anyone has the uncensored version (how is it that only one person saw it and has neglected to offer us a NSFW version?), please send it to us...

It seems that Blake Fielder-Civil was either:

a) offered early release if he would move in with his mother and accept a 7pm curfew, but declined because he'd rather be in jail than be restricted and unable to live with his wife

b) offered early release if he would move in with his mother and accept a 7pm curfew, but declined because... well, he failed two drug tests and early release was denied.

Either way, in the meantime, he's content with sending camera phone perv shots to his beloved, who apparently is very proud of her man's penis. Other bloggers have claimed the penis is rather large, but without photo evidence other than the sadly censored version (see above), we'll reserve comment for now...

Via The Sun.

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Winehouse Could Only Hold Blake For So Long...

Amy Winehouse Loves Blake Fielder-Civil, Wants Everyone to Know

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Spiked Drink

While You Were Sleeping: The Pregnant Prostitute Raid

NFL Player Accidentally Posts Photo Of His Penis On His Blog

Penis Eating Fish Plague Australian Harbor

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

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While You Were Sleeping: Slamming The Gates Of The Playboy Mansion

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 15:42:00 GMT

Maybe it's because of our sleep deprivation, but for some reason, this story is hilarious: a gay pirate radio station is disrupting Hong Kong's air traffic control.

Thanks a lot, Alec: the greatest Baldwin is writing in roles for the lesser-known Baldwins in his new movie about the family.

Believe it or not, video games, even Grand Theft Auto, save lives:

Karen Norris, of Streator, will say no such thing. Not after her quick-witted 11-year-old daughter, Audrey Plique, sprung to the rescue of their family because a popular video game showed a potential danger of a vehicle rollover.
"She just knew, from playing 'Grand Theft Auto.' She saw on there that when a car rolls over, it can blow up. She knew that could happen to us," Norris said.

Take that, Tipper Gore.

The man accused of ramming the Playboy mansion gates says he's innocent. Dude, the correct plea is "can ya blame me?"

It was already hard enough to tell these two guys apart without them both being on My Name Is Earl.

"Nicholas Cage encouraged to take acting overseas"-- please, and take Ghost Rider with you.

Hey, at least Tom Cruise thinks Tom Cruise is funny.

And the world's annoying political saga has come to an end: the Mayor of Detroit finally admits that he knew all along he had no chance in hell of surviving his recent scandals and has pleaded guilty. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick who, as the McCain would love to pointlessly point out, is an Obama supporter, has now given up his office, and will proceed directly to jail. Eventually.

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