Scanner : jake gyllenhaal

Jake the Beefcake

Colleen Kane — Mon, 11 May 2009 20:50:00 GMT

Jake Gyllenhaal is a good-looking dude, but not in a generic, all-American way (and the same can be said for his sister Maggie). His looks are imperfect, and that works for him (especially in Donnie Darko). But Jake got pumped up for his role in Prince of Persia, and while his new ripped abs will surely do it for some, we just think he looks not Persian and overly muscular.

Do not like.

Footage from an interview with director Jerry Bruckheimer here.

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

PapSmeared: Jake Gyllenhaal Protects the Goods

Emily Farris — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:02:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Don't cancel your Mexican vacation, says the country's President... the shocking drug violence there will be all cleared up, you know, in 2012.

Brittany Snow will appear in a new spinoff of Gossip Girl, a popular educational program.

Another supermodel bites the dust... Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady were married in Santa Monica yesterday, after having denied the wedding rumors for months, even years.

Jake and Reese are rumored to be the next celebrity couple that will walk down the aisle.

Kate Nash is already one step ahead of them, although her fiancee is an unknown.

Just the latest in a long line of 45-year-old hotties to grace the nudie mag, Lisa Rinna will be the next one to pose for Playboy.

This unanimous Supreme Court ruling on religious monuments in public parks is extremely troublesome.

The woman in the car during Morgan Freeman's car accident claims he was drunk. Oh, and she's absolutely not his mistress. And one more: she's suing him for not denying the mistress thing.

Hero of the day? A mother ran into her daughter's rapist while he was out of jail on a weekend pass. He asked after her daughter, apparently in a gleeful manner, and so she followed him into a bar, poured a bottle of petrol all over him and... struck a match...

And Britain's Next Top Model is already topless...

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:22:00 GMT

This week, we said goodbye to Scanner Nicole... and a few turkeys, most of which were killed by Sarah Palin's henchmen.

HIGHS:

Newsflash: Kim Cattrall looks great naked. Seriously, though, she's 52.

Nerve hosted another Hendricks Gin party, this time in San Francisco.

Maybe this turkey death story will scare a few people into becoming vegetarians.

Sweden is unintentionally funny.

There's still time for you to win a signed Elton John DVD.

And you can play "Guess The Stache: Democrat or Porn Star?" till the end of time.

LOWS:

Nicole left us, but like the musical career of Jay-Z, she'll be back someday...

Won't someone think of the Gyllenhaal children?

We'll have to think of a Dexter-worthy vigilante justice for upskirt photographers. You know, minus the whole killing and dismembering part of Dexter.

Speaking of pervs, they're lurking outside your local liquor store these days.

Joe the Plumber may never go away.

Oh boy... more turkey death.

Newsflash #2: Chipotle is fattening.

And all the celebrities seem to be getting married behind our backs. Not only are they not inviting us and paying for our airfare, they're not exploiting their own love lives for professional gain anymore!

While You Were Sleeping: The Gyllenhaal Divorce

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

This week, we're blogging from a quiet beach near Clearwater, Florida... so your news will be a bit more Southern and probably a lot weirder...

The government will finally bail out the public, thanks to up to $800 billion in money being directed toward allowing for more loans to consumers. Great, just what we need, more debt.

There's nothing worse than getting busted for being involved in prostitution and having your face plastered all over the local media. Actually, we take that back: there's nothing worse than getting busted for prostitution and having your face plastered all over the world, plus admit to dating a much, much older doorman who won the lottery and buys you expensive things. Yeah, that will go over well with your childhood community overseas.

Kristen Johnston, who took it off for-- what else-- PETA. And she, uh, mounted a house for the shoot...

Cancer is on the decline in the U.S. for the first time in our history. However, some naysayers are saying that the amount of people being screened has fallen as well...

We were a little surprised to see Republican Governor Charlie Crist talking "new taxes" in the paper here yesterday. Of course, the top story today? "Gov. Charlie Crist backs off both [tackling a foreclosure freeze and a cigarette tax] after talking to representatives of the banking and tobacco industries." What a whimp.

Even some elected officials were stumped by this challenging US history and government quiz.

One Florida neighborhood's concoction of choice this Thanksgiving? The Molotov cocktail, of course.

How great does Beyonce look as Etta James?

And Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal's parents are involved in a nasty divorce after 32 years of marriage. Mom is about to go bankrupt thanks to Dad not paying his share of their bills... won't someone think of the children(s' careers)?

Some unlinked stories via The St. Petersburg Times.

Related:

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Sex Crimes Prosecutor Charged With Twelve, Count 'Em, Twelve Sex Crimes

While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Merry Christmas... From the KKK?

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

While You Were Sleeping: What Men Think Women Think Men Want

Cosmo Names The Sexiest Man In the Universe...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:01:00 GMT

It's a known fact that men get better with age. That goes a long way toward explaining why two dudes in their mid-forties topped Cosmopolitan's poll of The World's Sexiest Men. But only one... can be #1....

First: it should be noted before we get started that this appears to be a British survey... does that change your prediction? (Not for us, but it certainly explains the presence of Pierce Brosnan and the members of Take That.)

And the winner is...

Ladies and dudes who enjoy the male form, what do you think of their pick, as well as runner-up George Clooney (47!) and the other 23 choices...?

1 Johnny Depp, 45
2 George Clooney, 47
3 Jake Gyllenhaal, 27
4 Daniel Craig, 40
5 Brad Pitt, 44
6 James McAvoy, 29
7 JustinTimberlake, 27
8 Will Smith, 40
9 David Beckham, 33
10 Wentworth Miller, 36
11 Christian Bale, 34
12 Jonathan Rhys Meyers, 31
13 Take That: Gary Barlow, 37, Mark Owen, 36, Howard Donald, 40 and Jason Orange, 38
14 Ashton Kutcher, 30
15 Dermot O''Leary, 35
16 David Tennant, 37
17 Patrick Dempsey, 42
18 Clive Owen, 44
19 Pierce Brosnan, 55
20 Mark Ronson, 33
21 Gordon Ramsay, 41
22 Russell Brand, 33
23 Pharrell Williams, 35
24 Ryan Reynolds, 31
25 Olivier Martinez, 42

Related:

Johnny Depp and His Penis Will Not Be Shilling Trojans

Does Esquire Magazine Hate Johnny Depp Or Something?

While You Were Sleeping: The New Robin Hood Movie

Halloween Contest: Horror Movie Victims You'd Like to F*ck

Crushes of the Week: Johnny/Jude/Colin to replace Heath in Unfinished Role

Regarding Matt Damon: We See Your "Meh," Nicole, and Raise You an "Eff Yeah"

Sloppy Seconds: Poor Bernie Mac, Morgan Freeman, and... OJ?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 22:04:00 GMT

A man is in jail in Florida after calling 911 twice to complain about an incorrect sandwich order.

We just can't picture it: Liv Tyler wants to launch her singing career.

In other news on this busy day:

Jake Gyllenhall is not engaged to Reese Witherspoon. Yawn.

Although reports of Bernie Mac's demise were exaggerated and not particularly humorous, Mac's health is truly in critical condition.

This is one move we wouldn't even pull to save our own lives.

OJ Simpson is in deep shit now: one of his co-defendants is testifying against him.

~~Violence in China has escalated ahead of the Olymics.~~

And Morgan Freeman may have fallen asleep at the wheel, was indeed with a female passenger (whose presence remains unexplained), broke a few ribs and hurt is knee, is listed in serious condition, but that's all...

Related:

Video of the Day: The Dazzling Dyev Deputies of the Duma

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

This Week in “Sexy Stuff Jessica Biel Is Up To”

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Sloppy Seconds: Heather Mills, Liv Tyler, and... Roseanne Barr?!

Sloppy Seconds: Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Really Splitting Up?

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:57:00 GMT

It's official: Bill Murray is divorced. [Yahoo!]

But what if you want your kid to be gay? [Salon]

Jake Gyllenhaal moved into Reese Witherspoon's L.A. home. He could have moved into ours but he probably didn't want to deal with the bugs. [Us]

Wow, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are doing things all out of order. Aren't you supposed to get married, then get a puppy, the if you don't kill that, make a baby? [People]

This casting for the Grand Theft Auto IV movie is pretty much right on. [MollyGood]

Page Six's Richard Johnson has been slapped with a $10M lawsuit over claims he made about an alleged sex tape. [Jossip]

No, no, no! Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner say rumors that they're splitting are absolutely that: rumors. [GabbyBabble]

Top 10 Celebrity Pets

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 20:51:00 GMT

On April 12, Martha Stewart announced the heart-breaking news that her beloved dog Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow had passed away (Check the perfectly tied ribbon on the doggie body bag). Paw Paw, may you rest in peace and receive a slightly less humiliating name in the afterlife. Martha’s news brought to mind some of the other pets who share the limelight with their celebrity owners. And so, a list was born: the Top 10 Celebrity Pets.

You can tell a lot about a person by his or her pet, be it garishly groomed, pathetically spoiled and puppy-farmed (Ahem—Tinkerbell), or unique and adorable. Since we’ve already covered number 10-- Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, we’ll move on to the rest of the list.

9. Foxxy Cleopatra, Nicole Richie’s Pomeranian. Named after Beyonce’s character in Austin Powers, Foxxy Cleopatra and the also unfortunately named HoneyChild are often paraded around town wearing weaves and hairbows. Here’s hoping they haven’t felt displaced since Nicole squeezed the bun out of her oven.

8. Millie, Barbara and George H.W. Bush’s Spaniel. Barb used to take this bitch everywhere. Plus she’s the only First Pet who has written a book. Pet lovers that we are, we’d much rather have Bush dog as Prez than Bush son.

7. Atticus and Boo Radley, Jake Gyllenhaal’s dogs. Not only are this German Shepard and puggle cute, they prove that their owner has read a book! Or at least heard of one.

6. Bit Bit, Britney Spears’ Chihuahua. Dude, its name is Bit Bit and it lives with Brit Brit. This is a pity ranking.

5. Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton’s Chihuahua. Paris’ designer dogs may come and go from the public eye, but Tinkerbell will always be the one who had the good sense to try and escape.

4. Norman, Jennifer Aniston’s dog. After her breakup with Brad Pitt Aniston was rarely seen without Norman by her side. So Jen got her dog and Brad walked away with his.

3. Snoop Dogg’s Doggs. Obviously there are many Doggs at Tha Pound. This video introduces us to a few of them. If we had to choose a favorite it would probably be Cindy, the brightest dog in the house who, in Snoop’s words, “actually goes outside to shit.”

2. Max, George Clooney's pig. This 300-pound pot belly pig who died in 2006 (may he rest in peace) used to sleep in the bed with his owner George Clooney and was once run over by George's friends in the dark.

1. Tina, Jessica Biel’s pitbull. Number one solely because we want to be this animal. Oh god, what if it gets to sleep in the bed with THE BIEL???!! Amazing!