Scanner : james carville

James Carville's Jesus Complex & Judas Penis

Katie Halper — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:31:00 GMT

James Carville accused Bill "Hot When Bearded" Richardson of betrayal of biblical proportions, saying "Mr. Richardson's endorsement [of Obama] came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out (Jesus) for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic." The irony, of course, is that Carville commits betrayal of biblical proportions every time he biblically "gets to know" his wife.

Nobody shows us that politics makes strange bedfellows, literally, and figuratively, more than Democratic Spin Doctor Clintonite Jim Carville and Mary Matalin, his Republican Spin Doctor Bushie wife. The Carville-Matlin duo deserve our bipartisan praise for overcoming their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry.

Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. But if Richardson's getting behind Obama makes him a Judas, what does Carville's getting behind Mary make him? Does Carville feel the holy spirit slip out of his soul when he slips out of his blue pajamas, slips off Mary's red teddy and enters her land of Cain? Does Carville tell himself it's the devil that is making him take off his donkey briefs and pull off her elephant thong? Is the Satanic serpent tricking the Carvillian serpent into tasting Mary's forbidden fruit?

We can only assume that Carville has a Jesus complex and a Mary Magdalene fetish. A J~~esus~~ames C~~hrist~~arville Mary Magdtalin role-play routine is the only thing that could explain the miracle of their marriage and the only way JC could live with himself and sleep with his wife.

Tucker: A Man And His Bowtie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:05:00 GMT

Are you sitting down? (Wait, you read Scanner while bending over?) Ladies and gentleman... Tucker Carlson has been canceled. I know, I know... you're all thinking: oh, man! Wait, Tucker who?

Well, we here at Scanner aim to learn you people right. For Tucker Carlson has been part of many historic moments in TV history, and caused so many more. From his brawl with Jon Stewart to his insult to dancing on "Dancing With the Stars," Tuck has rewarded viewers with much unintentional humor over the years, as beautifully summed up in a video by 23/6...

This one-minute video is a wonderful summation of the career of everyone's favorite whimpy conservative stuck in an 1808 time warp. However, Scanner would like to elaborate on and possibly even try to explain how this great man, the illegitimate product of James Carville and Greta van Susteren, got to where he is now... which is, um, cable access?

1) Tucker Carlson, a white boy, is born in San Francisco in the 1960s, grows up to love bowties, and is very, very, very, very, very not gay.

2) Tucker is accused of rape by a deranged woman in a city he has never visited. Ever since, Tucker has no sympathy for anyone and gives loads of money to the Republican Party.

3) Tucker reported on then-Governor George W. Bush's mocking of soon-to-be-executed Christian Tanya Faye Tucker's life. Conservatives have boycotted him ever since.

4) Our boy was in favor of the war before he was against it. Clinton/Carlson '08 does have a nice ring to it.

5) In a dynamite 2004 appearance on Tucker's and Paul Begala's CNN shoutshow Crossfire, a presumably obliterated Jon Stewart chastises Tucker and his co-host for being "partisan hacks." The audience roars its approval, especially when Stewart asked Tucker why Tucker wore a bowtie at his age. By complete coincidence, CNN cancels Crossfire.

6) Tucker appears on a season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars." Despite endorsements from Carville and Al Sharpton, his performance is equated with a two-year-long dump.

Goodbye, Tuck, and see you on the campaign trail.

Don't miss the video, seen here.

Who's Better in Bed: Lefties or Conservatives?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

We have a political strategist friend who, while a hardcore lefty, prefers sleeping with Republicans because "there's all that repressed sexual energy." Seeing as how he's a total ladies man, it's hard to argue with that. But does it work the other way around? (It seems to work for baldy Dem James Carville and sassy Bush I staffer Mary Matalin.)

Scanner brings you A List of Reasons Why You Should Sleep With Your (Political) Rivals... and let's you answer the question posed in this blog's title...

The List of Reasons to Sleep With Your Political Opposites:

- Hot grunge fucking in response to ideological policy proposals you disagree with.

- Anal sex would take on a whole new dimension and reward level come tax time.

- Political discussion and arguments produce an orgasm rich environment.

- Hate breeds. Literally.

- People who always agree with you are boring.

- State of the Union sex games. Every time only your half of the chamber applauds the other must submit to a new position (and vice versa).

- Twister: Poll dancing and push polling edition.

- The relationship provides a wider selection of magazines on the coffee table.

- You pay much more attention come pillow talk time. (Careful not to get caught taking notes.)

And finally: Swing State Key Parties!

I'd also add to this by giving a shout out to fuckthevote.com, the website that encouraged people to sleep with conservatives and then somehow convince them to change their opinions, now defunct. Now, vent your frustrations and tell your hate-sex stories in the comments.

[Photo: Bob Adler]