Scanner : jennifer aniston

Jennifer Aniston Can't Stop Getting Naked

Emily Farris — Wed, 06 May 2009 19:39:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: It's true, Jennifer Aniston has had a difficult couple of years in the press, who, for whatever reason, can't seem to stop telling everyone about the many ways in which she's lonely and desperate to have a baby. But, as the saying goes, when life sends you lemons, make lemonade -- or take every opportunity to get naked and show everyone how smoking hot you are. In doing so, not only will you heap burning coals (fueled by the fires of your hotness) on the heads of your critics, but it's also more badass and artful than wearing a sign that says, "Desperate this."

Case in point: J. Aniston's revealing new photo shoot for Smart Water...

Read more...

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

6 Tips on Cheating And Getting Away with It

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Whatever that means.

The day we've all been waiting for: Portia does Ellen... 's show.

Liam Neeson's wife Natasha Richardson is in critical condition following a skiing accident.

Poor Steve-O: Dancing With the Stars hurted him too much.

How fucked up is it that the above photo of Amy Winehouse is her looking "healthier" than she has in ages?

That nitwit Tom Green was "fired" from Celebrity Apprentice. That show's still on? And they were even considering Tom Green worthy of being considered for a job at a Donald Trump company? Sheesh.

Imus has prostate cancer.

Jennifer Aniston claims she was the one that dumped John Mayer. Just to milk this story for another news cycle...

Sorry for the late blogging today, we're all here at SXSW now. We'll be at Maggie Mae's tonight if you want to say hello.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

She's Just Not That Into You. Or Is She?

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

While You Were Sleeping: The Wrestler And That Video Game

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Crush of the Week: Carrie Brownstein

Top 10 Breakup Songs

Woman's Husband and Stepfather Arrested For Blackmailing Her with a Sex Tape

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Finally Speaks Out About Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 13:12:00 GMT

A rabbi says he was able to conquer his fear of Nazis... by playing Call of Duty.

First, it was Bob Dole with the Tarantino movies. Now, it's Gary Sinise and Redacted. Why is it the conservatives always attack movies they haven't even seen?

Chris Brown and Rihanna are... writing a book? And it's about domestic abuse?!

Let The Right One In and Milk were released on DVD yesterday. Both are highly recommended.

Jennifer Aniston said she will "always love Brad Pitt" and hopes that they'll be friends again someday.

Oh no... Jamie Lynn Spears is planning to enter a recording studio to make a country album.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are working it out. Sorry, dudes.

There are over 2,000 registered sex offenders on MySpace... 2,000 registered sex offenders just from North Carolina. In other news, people are still "on" MySpace.

And is Jim Cramer the meanest, loudest, most awful crybaby? Well, no, that's Bill O'Reilly, but Cramer does come pretty close at times.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:11:00 GMT

We usually wait until we have a mid-week lull to watch Flight of the Conchords (On Demand, baby!) but we're going to watch it as soon as we're done writing this post just so we can see the "Garfunkeling" in better quality. Also, why is it that Jemaine is the only one ever getting laid? [Jezebel]

A woman who was pulled over for breast-feeding her baby while driving gave a TV interview about it while breast-feeding her baby. She said the baby wasn't willing to wait for the milk at that time (when she was driving, and apparently also when she was giving the interview). Um, okay. [WLFI]

Umm... Skittles are now Twittering. Taste the rainbow? (Is this how Twitter is going to make money?) [TechnologyExpert]

Jennifer Aniston is still talking about her divorce from Brad Pitt. But to be fair, if we were her, we probably would be, too. [Jossip]

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's friends are now on Lilo death watch. [FadedYouth]

Recently-out Wanda Sykes has teamed up with a California non-profit to educate the public on equal marriage. [AfterEllen]

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:20:00 GMT

Mike Walker's National Enquirer column reported on a visit made by Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer to L.A.'s Pleasure Chest sex toy shoppe, where supposedly they made some purchases and did a little play-acting. Like Jen's movies and John's music, it sounds about as middle-of-the-road as can be, so maybe this bit of celebrity gossip, attributed to unnamed "spies," is true.

"Jennifer Aniston sashayed into The Pleasure Chest, Hollywood’s elegant sex shop, with hunky Young Stuff John Mayer in tow - and it looked like sparks were flying, romance-wise. As Jen smiled demurely at intriguing items offered by the naughty fun emporium, say My Spies, John fanned the flames by selecting: A bedside lock-box containing a copy of the Kama Sutra; handcuffs; a G-string with matching candy bra; and a “Dare Me” coupon book. As the love stud headed to the checkout counter, Jennifer slipped outside for a quick puff - then stepped back in, sidled up to John like he was a total stranger, and purred huskily: 'Do you shop here often?'…. Not missing a beat, the crooner crooned: 'No, but I’ve noticed a lot of beautiful women shop here.'… Totally into the role-play, he asked Beautiful Stranger: 'What are your plans for the day?' Smiling sweetly, she replied: 'I’m going to a children’s party.' He grinned. 'I’m great with kids.' Then, playing it brilliantly, he asked to carry her bags! The star-crossed strangers left the store together."

On second thought, the play-acting might be more comparable to John's comedy moonlighting career.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Annie Leibovitz's Financial Woes

Jennifer Aniston Can't Win

John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

via CeleBitchy

Sloppy Seconds: Annie Leibovitz's Financial Woes

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:39:00 GMT

Netflix will offer a streaming-only service, but apparently it still won't be available to Mac users. [Wired]

Former Hugh Hefner flame and original Girl Next Door Holly Madison has split from Criss Angel after nearly four months. [Yahoo!]

It looks like there's some not-so-hot lesbian action coming to Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. [Us]

Maybe John Mayer really is that into Jennifer Aniston? [People]

What happens when a skinny reporter goes to fashion week in a fat suit? [Jezebel]

Annie Leibovitz took out a loan against her photographs to pay off her mortgage debt. When Leibovitz's long-time partner Susan Sontag died in 2004, she left several properties to the photographer, who has struggled to afford to keep them. [AfterEllen]

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[Pre-Recorded] Live Blogging From the Oscars Red Carpet

Emily Farris — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 19:02:00 GMT

Our not-so-slutty sisters over at The Remote Island live-blogged last night's red carpet parade. Best line of the night: "Marisa Tomei's dress is proof positive that you can do folded catering napkin chic and rock it out."

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: 5:53 PM The Slumdog choreographer is teaching Debbie Matenopoulis bollywood dance moves. We're taking odds on how many segments like this we'll see before the night is out. We're putting the over under at 2.5

Debbie seems over the whole thing after about ten seconds even though the segment continues for another six minutes. "Jai Ho" keeps playing as they cut to every other E! correspondent and crew member following along with the double basketball move.

Read more...

Watch Jennifer Aniston Googly-Eye Brad Pitt

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

Besides Philippe Petit balancing an Oscar on his chin [see this post], the Oscars were almost entirely forgettable. Here's a moment, however, that you may have missed: watch Jennifer Aniston lock eyes with Brad and Angelina, starting somewhere after the 25 second mark.

Note that they are sitting in the front row and to Aniston's left... and that the camera mysteriously cuts off Brad Pitt's face, so we can't see what he's thinking... or maybe that's just bad YouTube bootleggin'... either way, apparently, this is what the internet is talking about this morning.

Related:

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Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

She's Just Not That Into You. Or Is She?

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 19:52:00 GMT

Why is there not a book or movie called "She's Just Not That Into You?" Well, in addition to the fact that, according to society, women are crazy and pine for potential partners in a way that men apparently don't, it might not be so easy to discern whether a woman is into you or not. All the signs may be there when it comes to reading men, but until someone writes a book on it, there's no way to tell with women.

According to a new study, men are much more obvious when it comes to showing signs of attraction. So a woman might not show it if she's into you, but on the other hand, she may look interested when, in fact, she's not.

Skyler Place, a doctoral student at Indiana University who authored the study, picked 28 women and 26 men to observe speed dating videos to determine which men were attracted to which women and vice versa. In many cases, he said, a woman looked like she was being flirtatious, but wasn't really interested in the man she was flirting with.

"Overall, the men are easier to read on average," Place said. "The hardest-to-read women are harder to read than the hardest-to-read men."

We can honestly say, in our own experience, we know we have not helped matters. And we are sorry.

[Forbes: Men, the Obvious Sex]

Related:

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Salon's Broadsheet Panel is Not That Into...Guess What?

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

Sloppy Seconds: Barack Obama Drops the F-Bomb

Emily Farris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Christian Bale is really sorry for his "inexcusable" tirade on the Terminator Salvation set. [People]

Bob Guccione, Jr. thinks there's no danger in porn any more ("It's such a drag now to get sent a link of people eating each other."). But he thinks we can get that danger and erotocism back through art! [BigThink]

We generally don't like celebrity memoirs, but we'll probably read Patrick Swayze's just because we want to hear the story about how Johnny and Baby didn't really like each other off camera. [Yahoo!]

Bret Michaels would totally put a baby in Jennifer Aniston. [Us]

Apparently Eliot Spitzer's sexy time with prostitutes wasn't so sexy after all. In fact, he sounds like he was an asshole in the sack. According to Kristin Davis he...

• was "good for a call at least once a week" from 2004 to 2006
• meant "thousands of dollars of steady income for me and my ladies"
• "was getting rough and too aggressive with the girls — repeatedly pressuring them to do things they didn't want to do"
• "tended to obsess about a girl, would want to see her every day and was pushy and whiny with her"
• "didn't want to use a condom, and "he'd be a real weasel about it, too" [DailyIntel]

Want to hear Barack Obama say "ignorant mother fuckers?" Then click here. Context here.

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Jennifer Aniston Can't Win

Colleen Kane — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:45:00 GMT

I've never been a huge Jennifer Aniston fan; she does not typically have roles in movies I want to see.

But that aside, Leave Jennifer Alone already.

The blogs make her out to be a pathetic lunatic. Let's review some of her crimes, as seen on the Internet:

* She talks about Brad Pitt, a man she was married to for years, when she is asked about Brad Pitt.

* She wants to have children.

* She does not have any children yet.

* She dates John Mayer.

* She is maybe broken up with John Mayer.

* The woman now with Jennifer's ex-husband, hottest man alive Brad Pitt, is Angelina Jolie, is the hottest woman alive.

* Her ex-husband has a million kids while she has none.

* John Mayer says stupid shit while trying to be funny.

* By the way, she wants kids and has no kids

* Also, she is not married.

* She's not getting any younger, and has no kids.

* Don't you feel sorry for her? She used to be married to Brad Pitt, but now Angelina Jolie has him. Also, they have a million kids and she has none.

These are her crimes as tried and convicted on the snark sites. Just look at today's post on What Would Tyler Durden Do? Jennifer is asked about technology and dating, and she brings up that she still has some old answering machine messages from her first boyfriend and even her ex husband, prompting the opening sentence, "Jenifer Aniston is a lunatic." Sound the crazy alarm! Call the men in the white coats! Jennifer Aniston saved mementos from her past!

Sheesh.

Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

7 Breakup Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

It's not yet "Breakup Season," which one of our ex-girlfriends claim takes place mid-summer, but this morning, we came across a great and epic story about getting over lost love. Read up now, and keep this handy in case D-Day arrives...

Here are the 7 tips for getting over that relationship that almost was. Surprisingly, "cranking up 'Tangled Up in Blue'" or "throwing a television out the window for catharsis" are not among the steps:

1. Letting Go

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy [Hmm, we can think of a way to accomplish both of those at the same time...]

3. Love Yourself

4. Love Your Ex-Partner

5. Give it Time

6. Journal Your Experience

7. Read Something Inspirational

We have to disagree with at least one of those on a personal level-- not everyone enjoys journaling, particularly us blogger types that write all the damn day and want nothing to do with scribbling once the workday is wrapped. Does anyone have anything to add?

You can read the full explanations of these 7 steps, plus some personal musings by the post's author, at this site.

That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

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Spirit Airlines Releases Sex Commercial, Pisses Everyone Off

John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:30:00 GMT

John Mayer made some video titled on YouTube as "funny." While we'd argue that it's more amusing than the output of some professional comics, that's still not saying much. (He's wearing a little boy's tie! Hee hee!)

John did reveal a few things in this video, though.

He jokes, twice, about his girth. He also goes into a tangent about Brad Pitt, the handsomest guy in the world who used to be married to his girlfriend Jenifer Aniston. Not afraid to go there!

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

The One Time John Mayer Beats Hardcore Girl/Girl Action

Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:49:00 GMT

On this historic day, Chris Rock won't be in Washington, D.C., but promoting a film at Sundance in Utah, or as he puts it, "the whitest place in America." Here's his explanation about why it's hard to make fun of Barack Obama.

ln an interview with CNN, Rock compares Barack to stars like Will Smith or Brad Pitt. "There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? 'Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser.' What do you say? 'Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million.' There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt.

Likewise, with Obama, "It's like 'Ooh, you're young and virile and you've got a beautiful wife and kids. You're the first African-American president.' You know, what do you say?"

About the excitement of today, he puts it well: "It'll be a cool day. It's weird. I've never watched an inauguration. I've never watched anyone get sworn in. You know, it's like Election Day and then you look up and somebody else is the president two months later. It was never like, "I can't wait till tomorrow. Oh my god! They're going to swear in Jimmy Carter!"

Reflections on the Obama Inauguration Celebration Concert

Obama's Anti-Racism Speech Inspires Comedians To Get All Racist

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:03:00 GMT

Every Hollywood action movie has to have a distracting sex scene about 70 minutes into the movie, just before the big, climactic showdown sequence begins-- just ask Sylvester Stallone. We defy you to name one action flick he's done without him rolling around in the sack with a Sharon Stone type, while Enya's instrumental score plays on the soundtrack in time with the snoring of almost everyone.

But, as no dude would feel the film is complete without it, screenwriters and directors keep plugging them in, sometimes ending up with something halfway decent...

Here are our Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies... God forbid you ask us to remember the context these fall in:

5. Cyborg 2. Is that... Good Lord, it is, isn't it? Yep, check out Angelina Jolie's slow-mo boobs in this quintessential pointless action movie sex scene, which was Jack Palance's ridiculously boneheaded followup to winning an Oscar for City Slickers. You can watch a higher quality clip of the same scene here (it's a smaller, non-embeddable frame.)

4. Killing Zoe. Watching this a second time, we realize how hilariously (and obviously) Freudian this is. The clip from the original Nosferatu, where the man springs from the floor, fully erect? Not phallic at all. Neither is the Venus fly trap clamping shut. The more we started thinking about this-- that Julie Delpy is the hooker with the heart of gold who gets Stockholm Syndrome and falls in love with a bank robber... ay ay ay... now we know why this fell into obscurity, despite Tarantino's involvement. Goodness starts at the 10:00 mark in the full film (seen below) or just click this link to go directly to the sex.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith. This obnoxiously bad ripoff of "Prizzi's Honor" at least satisfied one requirement of the Hollywood action genre: a gratuitous, PG-13 rated sex scene. You actually see the moment where Brad Pitt decided to cheat on Jennifer Aniston in this clip.

2. The Terminator. It takes a hell of a director to making these two co-stars look sexy-- which is why James Cameron now has more money than a Fannie Mae exec. No wonder he ended up with Linda Hamilton for many years...

1. 300. Try watching any random section of dialogue in this film. Seriously-- you won't be able to last ten seconds without breaking out in fits of hysterical laughter. But this sex scene will shut you up right quick.

Chloe Sevigny Would Like More Topless Sex Scenes, Please

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

William Zantzinger, subject of the Bob Dylan protest song "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll," died in Maryland of undisclosed causes.

Ian McKellen isn't too upset PBS doesn't have the balls to include the nude scene in their broadcast of his play.

Marilyn Manson is being sued by his ex-bandmate for twenty million dollars. Why do we care? Wait till you hear what Manson apparently spent the band's royalties on...

Bier, otherwise known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, sued Manson for more than $20 million last year, claiming Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

The funds allegedly paid for drugs, assorted Nazi paraphernalia, the cost of Von Teese's engagement ring and the ex-couple's 2005 wedding, and the interior decorating of Manson's mansion, which features a stuffed grizzly bear, a pair of baboons and the skeleton of a 4-year-old Chinese girl. [E!]

Patricia Arquette shilled for PETA.

Sources say pop singer Fergie is getting married this weekend. At last, a wedding the gossip rags aren't going apeshit over.

Kate Winslet said her teenage co-star was "terrified" during their sex scenes together in The Reader. Who can blame him? We'd have made a mess of the whole thing-- repeatedly.

Even though photos prove he was seeing Angelina Jolie on the side while still married, Brad Pitt claims he did not cheat.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not resign before he's impeached, even though a committee voted 21-0 to remove him. It's now in the hands of the State House of Representatives.

And Maine is getting the topless coffee shop! Hooray?

Related:

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Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

While You Were Sleeping: Adam Sandler Loses

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:08:00 GMT

Five banks were robbed on Monday in New York City. So far, no Depression-style Bonnie and Clyde types have emerged from these robberies or any others during the economic collapse.

Roland Burris, a former Attorney General, has been appointed as Obama's Illinois replacement in the Senate.

What is up with a country that starts putting diapers on its animals? Egypt, you have a lot of living to do.

Remember Tiffany Shepherd? She was the teacher who claimed to have been fired for having sexy pictures on her MySpace and a supposedly risque moonlighting gig. Now she's been arrested for harassing her ex's new girlfriend.

Never mind Jennifer Aniston, who took a backseat to a dog in that Marley movie anyway, Clint Eastwood and Tom Cruise were the surprise winners at the box office this weekend. The loser? Adam Sandler.

A soldier is suing the military for its "Christian bias."

Warner Brothers and Fox are unable to see eye to eye on the Watchmen movie, which means it may not be released any time soon.

And Iranian students, upset at Britain's support for Israel, stormed the UK's embassy in their country.

Related:

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Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Sloppy Seconds: Pete Wentz Weighs in on the Taste of Breast Milk

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

If we were guys who were into girls, we don't think we could come up with anything more dreamy than going on a karaoke date with Drew Barrymore. Lucky Jason Segel. [Us]

Jennifer Aniston's "Marley and Me" outsold her ex Brad Pitt's "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" at the box office over the weekend, leaving us able to only mutter "nah nah nah nah boo boo." [FadedYouth]

We're actually sort-of surprised we haven't seen a VPILF (Vice President I'd Like to Fuck) shirt sooner. [LustyLady]

Speaking of Sarah Palin, Tina Fey has been voted the Associated Press' Entertainer of the Year. [AP]

According to a new study out of the UK women who wear a U.K. size 14 are happier in life than their smaller and larger counterparts. Considering a size 14 in the UK is a size 10 here, that sounds about right. Right? [Jezebel]

Websites may soon be given cinema-style ratings. If it actually happens, you might need to be accompanied by your parent next time you visit Scanner. Meh, who are we kidding? You'll probably need to be 18 to enter. [TimesOnline]

Pete Wentz (and his penis!) continue to keep it classy. He recently tried wife Ashlee Simpson's breast milk and found it to taste "weird" and "sour." [Strollerderby]

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Top 10 Reasons To Watch 30 Rock

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:20:00 GMT

As if you need a reason besides the above-pictured lass, the year's #1 entertainer, according to various publications...

Instead of posting much today, we've been checking out last week's episode of 30 Rock and wondering why you haven't done the same. Here are the first ten reasons we could think of (there are at least 2,000 more) for why you should heading to your Netflix account immediately and ordering up the Complete First and Second Seasons, then checking out the show on NBC Thursday nights, starting again January 8th.

10. Although Fey was forced to fire Rachel Dratch in order to cut costs (how much could a cameo as a little blue monster run them?), you can catch the old episodes via DVD-- we defy you not to watch the entire season in one or two sittings.

9. Will Arnett. Will Arnett. Will Arnett, Will Arnett. Better yet, a maniacal Will Arnett with a lust for a chipper NBC page boy.

8. You owe Tina Fey for making your year with her Sarah Palin imitation. This is how you'll thank her.

7. The bit players aren't the stock sitcom types-- they're memorable and ridiculous without being entirely unrealistic.

6. Tracy Morgan's one-liners are so out-of-left-field and off-the-cuff, you'll wonder if he's reading off cue cards or just making this madness up as he rolls along. Seriously, does he?

5. Even the hokey celebrity walk-ons are inspired. From Steve Martin's reclusive rich kook to Jennifer Aniston's bombshell nutcase, this season's earliest episodes may never be topped for sheer consecutive star power.

4. Elaine Stritch's recurring role as Jack's mother, for which she was awarded an Emmy last year, are the highlights of every season. (She was the guest star on last Thursday's Christmas show, which was dynamite. A clip can be found below.)

3. Because the frumpier they try to make Tina Fey look, the more adorable she is.

2. Alec Baldwin is the best comedian working in television today.

1. They're desperately seeking your ratings. Hell, if Oprah can't save them, nobody can...

Sure, we understand that the critically acclaimed yet ratings-challenged "30 Rock" has to do what it can to wrangle viewers, but many of the A-list cameos the show has employed for that purpose have been seriously subpar. Jerry Seinfeld's and Jennifer Aniston's appearances on the series were equally lukewarm. Oddly enough, the standout cameo of 2008 came courtesy of non-comedian Oprah Winfrey, who played herself, opposite an advice-hungry Liz Lemon during a plane flight. Was it a gimmick? Yeah. Did it work? Totally.

Check it out at NBC.

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More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:45:00 GMT

If Jennifer Aniston's naked GQ cover wasn't enough for you yesterday, more pictures from the January issue have been released. We have them after the jump for your viewing pleasure... and the resolution is ~~much~~ a little better.

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Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:14:00 GMT

We got strangely and uncharacteristically uncomfortable when we saw Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover of the January GQ (which hits stands December 23). Perhaps you'll have a different reaction?

It's just that she looks so damn good.

Take that, Brangelina!

In addition to looking amazing, she has a few things to say.

On why she thinks people are still interested in her split with Brad, four years after the fact: “Jokingly: The funny thing is that people don’t realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends… No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical: I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox…”

On her current relationship with Brad: “We don’t not talk. When there’s something to congratulate or celebrate, there’s always an exchange. But there’s no charge on it.”

On her on-again, off-again boyfriend John Mayer: “Honestly, did not know much about him before I met him. I’d heard … you know, uh ‘Your Body’ – that song. But what I can say is that I had no idea what an extraordinary musician he is. And it’s just great to sit and be witness t that. It’s kind of like, Whoa!”

On the rumors surrounding Jen and John: “I am not having his baby. And I have not popped the question.”

Clearly, she is not pregnant.

We look forward to seeing this in hires.

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Who Is Jennifer Aniston Doing Hot Sweaty Hand Holding With These Days?

[Image, Image]

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:05:00 GMT

We refrained from putting the above comment in quotes was because we completely fabricated it out of nothing.

But really, don't these kids have anything more interesting to say about their relationships? What happened to ruining your career by dishing the dirt publicly, Jennifer Aniston-style, and taking everyone down with you?

After the jump, some quotes Taylor Swift gave to a country music magazine. The interview was placed on The Boot's front page, right above a story about Loretta Lynn (whose huge hits include "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' with Lovin' On Your Mind" and "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man"), which reminded us of how badass singers used to be... and how they came off as cool especially after they talked major trash about their lovers...

"What I've learned is that I've really moved on from it.You can't stress about what you can't change. You have to live your life and be happy in spite of whatever doubts you might have or whatever might have happened.

"I'm not typically the girl who dates a lot of guys or is in relationships a lot. Most of my life, I've been single [yeah, that's because most of your life has taken place before puberty-- fer chrissakes, you're 19!] If I meet somebody who's great, I'll make an exception. But I'm really happy being alone ... I don't feel a sense of emptiness if I don't have a boyfriend.

"If you're like, 'I need to talk to you' all the time, [or] 'Why didn't you call me back?' ... If you're that girl, then nobody's going to want to date you. I have this rule: I don't call a guy first. And you can't ever send two text messages in a row.

"It's so important to be confident in who you are. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is a whole person."

Seriously, we're thrilled that a natural young talent like Taylor Swift is on the country music scene-- or any entertainment scene for that matter-- a woman who writes her own songs, has the indie spirit, is down to earth, and maybe won't end up marrying some childhood friend in Vegas and a backup dancer who has the IQ of a fence post.

We can dream, can't we?

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While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year.

However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station [really] responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Answers: possibly and we have no clue whatsoever.

Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving...

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Tina Fey
3. Ellen DeGeneres + Portia De Rossi
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Suri Cruise
6. Tyra Banks
7. Jonas Brothers
8. Keira Knightley
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Robert Pattinson

Barack Obama joked he's going to throw his "weight around" regarding college football playoff rules. Isn't it great to have a President(-elect) whose kidding doesn't make you scream in horror?

Remember that big Hollywood wiretap scandal involving Tom Cruise and some other celebrities? The culprit was sentenced to three years in prison.

Biden does appear to be setting up his Senate seat for his son to take over in 2010.

93% of respondents to a Fark survey said they prefer real boobs to fake ones. Duh. It would've been more of a story if the question was, "Which do you prefer: small natural boobs or big enhanced boobs?"

And you could win a $500 gift card to Ikea and a date with one of the guys from Pavement.

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

Not To Be Outdone, Sunday School Teacher Gets In On The Jailbait Action

The Second Life Divorce Gets Funnier After The Split

Cheerleaders "Streak" High School Football Game

Sloppy Seconds: What is Jennifer Hudson Smiling About?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

We never really thought of China as a big dairy land, but whatever dairy it has is staying there. The US has banned milk and milk-derived products in an effort to keep products tainted with the industrial chemical melamine off our shelves. [Washington Post]

Three female employees of KMBC 9 News in Kansas City—our former and future home—are suing the station over age and sex discrimination after being told they are 'no longer part of the future' and are oppressively criticized, targeted and harassed after they reach their 40s.' [Plog]

Jennifer Aniston "knows" John Mayer. Biblically and, you know, emotionally. [People]

Speaking of Jen, did you catch her on 30 Rock last night? It sure didn't boost the show's ratings. [Us]

Dr. Green, er Anthony Edwards, coming back from the dead wasn't enough deliver top ratings for ER, either. [Radar]

In the wake of the murders of her mother, brother and nephew, Jennifer Hudson decided to go forward with a GAP ad campaign she, er, shot before the tragedy and thanked fans for their support on her MySpace page. [Yahoo!]

While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Is 'Page Six' on Miley Cyrus Skank Watch?

Sloppy Seconds: Somebody Should Tell Miley Cyrus She's a Big Girl Now

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Say What? Lindsay Lohan Uses The C-Word On Obama

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

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