Scanner : jessica alba

Sloppy Seconds: Evan Rachel Wood Goes There, We Lose Our Lunch

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Novelist John Updike is dead at 76. [AFP]

Don Draper on 30 Rock is going to give us serious sensory overload, and we're going to like it! Here's a preview: [Vulture]

Perv alert! Naked Broadway star ~~Harry Potter~~ Daniel Radcliffe invited Sasha and Malia Obama to "Hogwarts." We've not read Harry Potter so that probably sounds a lot dirtier and more grown up than it really is. [People]

Bill O'Reilly called Jessica Alba "dumb" and she did not like it. Not one bit. [Us]

News flash: Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (from "Flight of the Conchords" for those of you who live in a cave) are not poor in real life. Did we really need a news story to tell us that? Um, apparently, we did. [Yahoo!]

21-year-old Evan Rachel Wood was spotted making out with her 56-year-old on-screen dad Mickey Rourke last night. Gag us with a lock of his greasy hair! [FOXNews]

AskMen's Top 99 Women

Colleen Kane — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Today is special not just because it's the day after the Inauguration. No: today also marks the debut of AskMen's Top 99 Women, as voted by more than ten million site visitors.

You can see all 99 over there, but here are my reactions:

--Tina Fey, number 97? Not sure if that's an "Ouch" or a sign of the gradual acceptance of nerdly woman hotness.

--I was picturing AskMen to look like About.com for some reason. Or maybe Ask Jeeves. Instead it's a site that took all the flame-filled black backgrounds from fallen lad magazines like FHM. Dark red + black = MANLY WEBSITE DESIGN.

--Britney Spears, number 90: "Is she on this list because of guilt? Nope, she's on this list because all of a sudden, she's desirable again."

--Who's the lady in this photo? Stella Ebanks, Miss Number 17. No idea who she is, but I was distracted by her shiny curly outfit.

--Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba, who I kind of get mixed up, are ranked in a row 16 and 15 respectively. Does that men everyone else mixes them up, too?

--Wait whaaaat? I was shocked by number one:

Related:

When Tina Fey Was "Fat"

When Tina Fey Was "Fat," Her Cups Runnethed Over

Tina Fey for Oscars Host 2009!!!

Images: AskMen.com

Leaked Photos: Jessica Alba Airbrushed, Before and After

Scanner Matt — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 15:57:00 GMT

Last week, Scanner Brian published a photo from Jessica Alba's 2009 Campari calendar shoot, which has been accused of being pixel-tacularly (or analogically) manipulated. In the originals Alba looks softer, curvier and her hair less greasy (check out the added wisps). Overall, she looks more human until the magic takes hold. See for yourself.

And what's with the corny cabana-wear? This does not come across as a fun day at the beach (or retro sci-fi planet gettaway). Is that a polyester/spandex blend? We thought Campari was for old Italian men in cute hats who play bocce ball all day anyway.

And oh yeah, it's a prerequisite in celebrity "journalism" to always discuss a mother's body fat post birth. The 27-year-old Alba had a baby 5 months ago.

Why is Jessica Alba Wearing This Scary Mask?

Jessica Alba Finally Pops Out a Baby

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Why is Jessica Alba Wearing This Scary Mask?

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Margh! Jessica Alba, you look terrible. Okay, you look hot-terrible, and we're not all that surprised that you're not smiling. In fact, given your proclivity for the pouty look this isn't too far off from how we've seen you recently, but obviously, you're trying to tell us something.

What ever could it be?

Oh! You want us to vote!

Not bad, Alba. You still haven't quite mastered the art of turning that frown upside down, but you've managed to put it to good use... while still looking hot.

[Declare Yourself]

Related:

Jessica Alba Finally Pops Out a Baby

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Jessica Alba's Pregnant -- And Babble Totally Called It

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Alba Did What?

Which Co-Star Was Afraid of Jessica Alba's Naked Body Before She Was Pregnant?

Sloppy Seconds: Brad Renfro Dead at 25, Dane Cook on Jessica Alba's Porn and the End of RENT

Have You Seen Jessica Alba's Rack, er Belly, Lately?

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:41:00 GMT

Look out for the Obama Sex Tape e-mails going around. It's a Trojan e-mail, which is kind of the perfect name for it...

The Florida Family Association claims to be responsible for pulling 325 advertisers from the Playboy show "The Girls Next Door," in the interests of decency and other boring reasons. We've never seen the show, but with more than 325 ads, we don't think we have the patience for it....

Sarah McLachlan is going through a divorce. Here she is on why we haven't heard about it already:

“I haven’t said anything about it because I’ve been terrified,” she said. “But I figure … there’s no good time to say it, so I just said it.”

McLachlan and Sood (the drummer in her band) have been married for 11 years and have two daughters, India Ann Sushil, 6, and Taja Summer, 14 months. The Vancouver-based singer described the split as “pretty gross,” but did not elaborate on the causes.

The article goes on to add that two songs on her album, "U Want Me 2" and "Don't Give Up On Us," are likely reflective of the causes. (Based on those titles, we gotta say... poor thing.)

Jessica Alba's new ad for Declare Yourself, a GOTV organization geared to our lazy youth, is probably going to get more coverage than the election. She tries to talk about the elections... but all the questions keep coming back to the bondage...

The dramatic image “really resonates” with the issue of voting, according to the 27-year-old star. “If you don’t register and vote and make a difference, and hopefully change the bad things that are happening in our country, you are essentially just binding and muzzling yourself.”

"Really resonates" translates to "is the only reason anyone would stop to look at the ad and possibly remember to vote because of it, although probably not." Here's a photo:

And it looks like James Franco is going to have to grow a mustache and wear a cloak if he wants to continue attending college in New York.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: James Franco and Sean Penn Go At It

"Acting With James Franco" Comes Pretty Close to Making Us Cry

Jessica Alba Finally Pops Out a Baby

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:25:00 GMT

Arnold Schwarzenneger took 200,000 people hostage today. It sounds like one of his terrible movies from 1980s but actually, it's part of an ongoing budget crisis in California. Blah.

Headline of the Day: Alba Bans Honor From Acting. If you've ever seen Dark Angel, you will agree with us in saying she may have also banned Talent.

Who is Michelle Williams seeing now that the media won't pounce on her for it?

Michelle Williams has sparked rumours of a new romance with filmmaker Spike Jonze - six months after the death of her ex-fiance Heath Ledger.
The former Dawson's Creek star has been repeatedly spotted with Jonze, the ex-husband of Lost In Translation director Sofia Coppola, near his Manhattan apartment in recent weeks.
The pair first met in 2006 when Williams auditioned for Jonze's film adaptation of the classic children's story Where The Wild Things Are. She won a role, but later withdrew from the project.

Nope, nothing is sacred anymore: MTV is working on a remake of "The Rock Horror Picture Show."

Two Danish lesbians making more than $100K a year lost their lawsuit against the doctor who implanted one of them with two embryos instead of one, thus giving them twins and doubling the cost of child rearing expenses. Yep, they wanted the doctor to pay half their expenses. Apparently forever.

Anne Hathaway's journals may have been seized by the police in their ongoing prosecution of her ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is not the plot of the next "Princess Diaries" movie...

And Lewis Black is, as usual, the go-to-guy for sane insanity in these, well, crazy times.

While You Were Sleeping: Sienna Miller, Homewrecker

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 13:56:00 GMT

The first video of a Guantanamo Bay interrogation was released yesterday. The tape, of course, shows a Canadian, rather than an American, official interrogator grilling the 16-year-old terrorist...

Jessica Alba's baby is clearly going to grow up to be a badass. For God's sake, the father's name is Cash.

Yeah, but a better press release would be all about what you're going to do about it, MTA: "Groping is rampant on the NYC subway..."

Sienna Miller is officially stealing somebody's husband. Not that we're judging her... especially when there are topless photos involved and the guy is that weirdo from Lost Highway.

An Australian man was charged with his seventh drunk-driving offense after spending $1,000 a week on beer. Wait-- $1,000 a week... and you bought beer? Wait... seventh drunk-driving offense? How is he walking the streets? After consuming $1,000 worth of beer?! Our heads are exploding...

Hitmen are apparently going mainstream.

JibJab put out another viral video for the 2008 campaign cycle. Did anyone really like the ones from '04? Honestly?

Michael J. Fox, the toughest little mofo in town, will appear on "Rescue Me."

And Ben & Jerry's has a new flavor: Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road. Guess who it's named after?

Dolphin Sex Anyone?

Steve McKay — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 20:30:00 GMT

Oh my dear sweet lord! Attention all hippies. I don’t usually say things like this, but please feel free to purchase black-light posters of dolphins, tie-dyed tee-shirts of dolphins, mugs, backpack patches, even tattoos of dolphins, but for the love of Jerry Garcia please do not have sex with dolphins.

Jessica Alba didn't find it cool and neither should you.

If you choose to ignore my plea, or simply wish to spite me and have it off with everyone’s favorite marine mammal, then check out this site for a complete vomit-inducing how-to guide. Keep in mind that a male dolphin has a 12-inch penis and can ejaculate as far as 14 feet. Yee-Ouch!

Jessica Alba Finally Pops Out a Baby

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:49:00 GMT

Is it us, or did it seem like Jessica Alba was pregnant for-evah? No more, boys and girls. She finally popped the thing out on Saturday. So everyone please give a warm welcome to...

... little Honor Marie Warren.

No wonder Alba and her long-time boyfriend Cash Warren ran off and got married last month. You can't name a bastard child Honor, now can you?

[FameCrawler: Jessica Alba Names Her Baby!]

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Alba Did What?

Have You Seen Jessica Alba's Rack, er Belly, Lately?

Which Co-Star Was Afraid of Jessica Alba's Naked Body Before She Was Pregnant?

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Jessica Alba's Pregnant -- And Babble Totally Called It

Sloppy Seconds: Jessica Alba Did What?

Emily Farris — Wed, 21 May 2008 22:54:00 GMT

Is Goldie Hawn keeping up with her daughter in the man department? [LaineyGossip]

Aerosmith's Steven Tyler has apparently entered rehab. [Us]

Did you read that Starbucks book "A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier?" Neither did we. We had a hard time getting through the first chapter, especially when we'd just finished the wonderfully-written "What is the What?" Anyway, there may be some inaccuracies, but we never expect memoirs to be accurate. [Yahoo!]

Ha. This guy is a dumbass. [YBNBY]

Boy band man Lou Pearlman will be spending the next 25 years or so in the big house. [TMZ]

Seventeen months pregnant (okay, but doesn't it seem like she's been pregnant for-evah?) Jessica Alba went and married her baby daddy and long-time boyfriend Cash Warren in a surprise courthouse ceremony on Monday. [People]

Video of the Day: Jessica Alba Staring Contest

Bryan Christian — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Yeah... um... if we blink, we don't have to, like, turn away, right?

Who The Hell? FHM's Sexiest Woman in The World

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:00:00 GMT

Maybe we are falling behind, but we had only barely heard of FHM's #1 Sexiest Woman In The World before today's announcement. Does that make us bad bloggers... or heroic ones, since we did not have to subject you to our musings on her until now?

And the winner is...

Megan Fox!

Megan who? Apparently, she was in Transformers, which we still cannot believe was actually a theatrical motion picture and, even funnier, that thinking people actually paid up to $11 to see. We wouldn't be surprised if the new Indiana Jones movie bombs because it's too intelligent and doesn't have enough robotic explosions for people to shit their pants over.

But that's beside the point.

The point is: who the Christ is Megan Fox? We understand almost all the other entries on the list (#4 Elisha Cuthbert, #11 Hayden Panettiere, #20 Beyonce, etc.), although we're not sure why other guys continue to drool over boring chicks like Jessica Alba [#3} and Jessica Biel [#2], or anyone named Jessica, for that matter, without the last name of Lange. However, we would put in the earplugs and do Simpson in a heartbeat.)

Anyway, check out FHM's list, if the damn page ever loads...

Top Photo: FHM; Bottom Photo: GQ

Sloppy Seconds: Is Jamie Lynn Spears a MILF?

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 22:12:00 GMT

Supermodel/scary lady Naomi Campbell was arrested today at London's Heathrow airport for allegedly spitting at a police officer.

Yes, Jessica Alba is hot. This does not mean she is good at picking baby names. Maybe her fiancé, Cash, had something to do with it?

"It is very comfortable, it's not heavy or scratchy or anything," model Danielle Luminita said of the $122,000 diamond thong she recently sported for a fashion show in Singapore.

Say it ain't so: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are planning a private getaway? Things must be really bad for K-Fed because the only time we've considered reuniting with our ex was when we were feeling really, really bad about ourselves. Cheer up, Kev, and take a vacation alone. It really does help.

Ladies, we hope you already knew this, but Babeland reminds us that the best way to get rid of menstrual cramps is to masturbate. Really, it's the best way to treat any pain; sucks when you break you right arm...

It's kind-of cute that Mick Jagger is trying to look as tall as his date, but even in lifts he's not quite there. Just embrace the fact that you have a tall, hot girlfriend, Mick!

We just had a terrifying thought: does one have to be of legal age for fucking to be considered a MILF? When Jamie Lynn Spears pops out 'lil Spears, will men consider her a MILF? We shudder at the (illegal) thought... We're thinking "MILF" should be retired. We don't know too many moms who aren't hot. What about GILF?

Starpulse's Celebs Who Should Go Nude: Who's Missing?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 18:15:00 GMT

Eva Longoria's obvious. For those of you into that kind of thing, apparently Milo Ventimigla is on their list as well. But what about who was left to languish in the slums of decency?

The list, so far:

Jessica Alba

James Marsden

Eva Longoria

Jensen Ackles

Jessica Biel

Taye Diggs

Tricia Helfer

Milo Ventimiglia

Sharon Leal

Brad Pitt

...and who are they missing? We vote for Amy Adams, Scarlett Johansson, Thandie Newton, and Daniel Craig.

Halle Berry Sets The Gold Standard for Foxy Moms-to-Be

Bryan Christian — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 15:00:00 GMT

All right, y'all, we've seen a few sexy pregnant ladies in our day -- actually, we've seen a lot of them in the last 48 hours or so -- but we are having an extremely difficult time thinking of anyone who's rocked their third trimester harder than Halle Berry, seen here meeting a very lucky friend for lunch in Los Angeles. Since it seems to be everywhere, we have to ask: is there slang for this kind of hotness-with-child that we don't know about? Can we make some up?

UPDATE: Hey, looks like our sibs at Famecrawler are of a similar mind on this one -- and they've even got video!

Which Co-Star Was Afraid of Jessica Alba's Naked Body Before She Was Pregnant?

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 20:38:00 GMT

And by afraid, we mean like how people are afraid of God, or afraid of being happy...

According to our big, little-sister Fame Crawler, Hayden Christensen:

Christensen was nervous as a kitten while filming "Awake" with the mom-to be, "I remember that day. I was just so nervous. Really nervous! Running around with a light sabre is really pretend and you know that in the back of your mind, but when you are put in a situation where the scene you are doing becomes so real, it is terrifying!"

[Fame Crawler: Hayden Christensen Scared of Naked Jessica Alba]

Sloppy Seconds: Brad Renfro Dead at 25, Dane Cook on Jessica Alba's Porn and the End of RENT

Emily Farris — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 17:37:00 GMT

We feel bad putting someone's death in Sloppy Seconds, but it needed to be noted and we didn't see him in much other than The Client. Anyway, Brad Renfro died at the young age of 25 and it's really sad. (Scanner Bryan interjects here to say he's clearly going to have to make a copy of Bully for Scanner Emily.)

After Jessica Alba said that her movie with Dane Cook, "Good Luck Chuck" turned out to be porn, Cook fired back "She's watching some really silly-ass porn."

After Nine hundred thirty thousand, one hundred eighty minutes, RENT finally closes.

Have You Seen Jessica Alba's Rack, er Belly, Lately?

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 15:16:00 GMT

Neither had we.

Kind-of makes us want to go get knocked up. In case you haven't noticed yet, we have a serious case of boob envy.

[Image via US Weekly]

Jessica Alba Likes "Some Ass"

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Insanely sexy Jessica Alba thinks that Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel and Angelina Jolie are "insanely sexy." And she thinks women should have some curves (Jolie excluded, we have to assume):

“I prefer some ass,” she tells Britain’s OK! magazine. “I think women that have a body, that are feminine, with a little shake – that’s what a woman is about.”

What do you have to say about that, Scanner Bryan?

[ShowbizSpy.com: Jessica Alba "Angelina Jolie is insanely sexy"]

Things Keep Happening in Threes, or Celebrity Engagement Round-Up: New York, Fergie and Jessica Alba

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 16:01:00 GMT

New York has found love. Finally. For real. For evah. P.S. Her real name is Tiffany Pollard. [People]

Jessica Alba will marry her babydaddy Cash Warren. [People]

Miss Splashy Pants Fergie will become a Missus after marrying Josh Duhamel. [People]

(Thanks, People!)

Jessica Alba's Pregnant -- And Babble Totally Called It

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 21:20:00 GMT

Congrats to Jessica Alba and her on-again bf Cash Warren for announcing to People Magazine that they are with child -- and congratulations to Babble's Sassy Smith for figuring it out all the way back in November!

I suppose it could be the way the lace [of her dress] is all puckered at the front of her stomach that is making her "appear" pregnant but perhaps she's actually trying to hide a "baby bump." Plus, the fact that Jessica is reunited with her long time beau, Cash Warren, could mean she's with child. 'Cause I bet their having, you know, sex. And, and, and she looks "glowy". Is glowy a word?

Hells, yeah, "glowy" is a word! Way to go, Sassy! Not only did you make the call a month ago, but you gave us a way to report this story without having to think too long about Jessica Alba with bigger boobs and a taut, baby-filled belly, which would raise our risk of an aneurysm by about a billion percent.

Photo credit: PR Photos

Noooooooooooooooo!, Part 2

sarahhepola — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 15:05:00 GMT

Jessica Alba vows never to do a nude scene.