Scanner : jesus

Sloppy Seconds: Another Woman We've Never Heard of is FHM's Sexiest Woman in the World

Emily Farris — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 22:32:00 GMT

Waterboarding: Bad. Waterboarding Sean Hannity? Eh. For charity? Ahhh, maybe?No. No. Waterboarding is bad. [Huffington Post]

Vice, most recent employer of the Hipster Grifter, has launched a new series on the Vice Broadcasting System called "Beyond the Pages of Vice." It's basically filming them working on their articles, and the first is a look at the, uh, dangers of mixing aerosol hairspray and fire. No word yet on whether or not the Hipster Grifter or her boobs will make an appearance in future episodes. [VBS]

We were just thinking about switching to a bra without underwires, because, well, we don't have much to hold up. But not now. A Detroit woman's underwire actually deflected a bullet! [2News]

Miley Cyrus may be a bratty little Southerner who loves little baby Jesus, but she also loves the gays (her new fanbase?). [AfterEllen]

Last year, when FHM named Megan Fox "Sexiest Woman in the World," we were all "WTF?", the 'W' standing for "who," of course. We're singing the same song for this year's winner Cheryl Cole. May she find the same, uh, fame as Fox in the coming year. [FHM]

Rhythm Gymnast Swizzles Her Ribbon All Over FHM Magazine

Who Would You Rather: Megan Fox vs. Gemma Arterton?

Megan Fox's Lesbian (Stripper) Love

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful
Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings
Video of the Day: Have You Taken Your Virginity Pledge Yet?
Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

Was Jesus a Child of Rape?

Emily Farris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A Dutch filmmaker thinks Jesus was a child of rape, and wants to make a movie about it.

"Basic Instinct" director Paul Verhoeven will publish a revisionist biography of Jesus in September, following more than 20 years of research.

The Dutch filmmaker, who has had a lifelong ambition to make a film about Jesus based on scientific research, claims that Jesus' father was probably a Roman soldier who raped Mary during the Jewish uprising in Galilee. He also claims that Christ was not betrayed by Judas Iscariot.

First of all, we will totally pay $10 to see that movie.

Second, if it wasn't a soldier who raped Mary, even if the story happened like the Bible says, didn't God sort-of rape Mary in a way? It's not like she exactly consented. "Yes, God, you can totally bust your load in me and then not pay any child support."

Third, new t-shirt idea: "God is a Rapist." No? Too much? You think? Because if you'll buy it we'll go get the silk screening supplies. Right. Now.

[Reuters: Dutch filmmaker claims Jesus a child of rape]

James Carville's Jesus Complex & Judas Penis

Katie Halper — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 17:31:00 GMT

James Carville accused Bill "Hot When Bearded" Richardson of betrayal of biblical proportions, saying "Mr. Richardson's endorsement [of Obama] came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out (Jesus) for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, if ironic." The irony, of course, is that Carville commits betrayal of biblical proportions every time he biblically "gets to know" his wife.

Nobody shows us that politics makes strange bedfellows, literally, and figuratively, more than Democratic Spin Doctor Clintonite Jim Carville and Mary Matalin, his Republican Spin Doctor Bushie wife. The Carville-Matlin duo deserve our bipartisan praise for overcoming their ideological differences through pure unadulterated sexual chemistry.

Let’s be honest, people, who among us could resist her beady eyes, and almost invisible lips, and his smooth cranium and teasingly tinted glasses. But if Richardson's getting behind Obama makes him a Judas, what does Carville's getting behind Mary make him? Does Carville feel the holy spirit slip out of his soul when he slips out of his blue pajamas, slips off Mary's red teddy and enters her land of Cain? Does Carville tell himself it's the devil that is making him take off his donkey briefs and pull off her elephant thong? Is the Satanic serpent tricking the Carvillian serpent into tasting Mary's forbidden fruit?

We can only assume that Carville has a Jesus complex and a Mary Magdalene fetish. A J~~esus~~ames C~~hrist~~arville Mary Magdtalin role-play routine is the only thing that could explain the miracle of their marriage and the only way JC could live with himself and sleep with his wife.

Video of the Day: "Pussycat Preacher" Trailer

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 16:46:00 GMT

God is everywhere, right? Even on a pole? According to the Pussycat Preacher, a stripper turned prostyletizer, he is. Even better is the "Hooker for Jesus" who compares gluttony to prostitution. "Why aren't we pointing out physical sins that we physically see?" She does make a good point.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

We wonder what the Mormons think of this.

Excuse us while we go bust out some Joan Osborne.

[The Pussycat Preacher]

(Thanks, Sarah!)

Because Who Hasn't Had a Sex Dream About Jesus?

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Really? We know we're not the only ones.

[Via Hugo Strikes Back]

In the News: Colbert for Prez, Naked Chocolate Jesus, Pillow Fight!

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 13:05:00 GMT

We wish this wasn't a joke: Stephen Colbert is running for President. "After nearly 15 minutes of soul-searching, I have heard the call," said Colbert.

See, no one ever talks about sexy, man-loving feminists, but they should: Survey finds that feminists have healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships. Older men with feminist partners said they had more stable relationships and greater sexual satisfaction.

Holiness never tasted so delicious: Naked chocolate Jesus sculpture to be shown at a New York City art gallery amid some protest. The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights said it will not protest because, unlike before, there are no plans to put the "anatomically correct" Jesus in public view during Holy Week.

That's it, pillow-fight the argument away: Belgian students organize a giant pillow fight mocking linguistic and regional rivalries between Dutch and French speakers. The impasse prompted media to speculate that the 177-year-old nation might break apart.