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As If I Haven't Pissed Off EVERY Christian Reader of This Site...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:13:00 GMT

In no way is this an attempt to alienate our Christian readers.

This falls under "Today in WTF," in the sense that we don't entirely appreciate the sentiment of this, the Inflatable Jesus Sex Doll. In fact, my gut reaction is that it goes far beyond satire and into pointless offensiveness-- which I'm guilty of on a daily basis, but that's another post.

I warn Christian readers that you are going to hate this thing-- but, as with the racist Obama cookies and other insulting garbage we've posted, just because it's here, it doesn't mean anyone condones it:

If the photo is too small to read all the fine print, click on it for a new tab/window and enlarge it there.

The comments on this site which rightly calls this goofy flyer "sacrilegious," make it almost worth having witnessed those images:

If this doll charged by the hour would it be a ” Profit-stitute? “
Oh cum all ye faithful
I am not usually such a prude, but this totally crosses the line. I mean the “suck your own D” and “check out my a**hole” poses are just gross.
WOW , simply WOW, too bad it wasnt a mohammad doll though because then when philly gets wrecked we couldve been rid of the phillies and eagles
Before you get to hell, I will have warmed up the sauna for you.

It should be pointed out that a search for the company that supposedly manufactures this only turns up more copies of this photo. Oh well...

Related:

Teacher Who Called Creationism Religious, Superstitious Nonsense Loses His Case

Christian Gay Porn Star Going to Hell, But First Will Be Really Really Internet-Famous

Crazy "Opposite Marriage" Lady Strikes Back

Candidate for Gov. of GA Admits to Having Sex... with a Mule

Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Jesus Died For Somebody's Sins, But Not Mine

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

This video has been making the rounds today. We love it because we love anything that exposes religion for the ridiculous waste of time we know it to be.

Agree or disagree, you have to wonder why Jesus didn't turn deserts into fertile farm land. Or why God is such a jackass with an amusing accent. (By the way, another Biblical highlight from today's blogs.)

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: TGIGF for @JesusChrist

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Why in the Christ Do You Have a Kid?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

A new website called "Why the Fuck Do You Have A Kid?"-- is a sort of baffled liberal person's response to Bristol Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears, and the rest of these raised-by-Christian-conservatives teenage moms. Of course, it features disturbing photos that say all we'll ever need to know about their lives.

Some of it, of course, is silly and much of it is patently offensive. A few of the photos, however, need to be laughed at to cover the horror we feel deep down for the babies pictured therein:

This girl doesn't look old enough to conceive a child let alone raise one. The rest fare no better.

While the site is arguably awful, even borderline-worthless, perhaps it will be part of a growing movement of people who aren't afraid to say, "Hey, look, it's great that your teenager wants to bring life into the world, but they can wait five or ten years, since they aren't even allowed to drink when the baby won't stop crying."

A better way to put it might be that the growing acceptance of teen pregnancy by conservative culture (when it isn't an African American teenager whose family is on welfare, of course) has us worried that teenagers will find that there is no longer any taboo about getting pregnant, just about having sex.

Via WTFDYHAK.

Related:

The Rare Knocked Up Midge Doll

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Sex Ed is Rotten in the State of Texas

Sloppy Seconds: Women Know When Men Are Turned On

Our Neighbors to the North Get a Blue Ribbon for Sex Education While we FAIL

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Almost Found Jesus

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:40:00 GMT

So maybe "almost" is stretching it...

Highs:

We got all artsy. Twice.

We were incredibly moved by the trailer for "Where the Wild Things Are."

We finally found a church we might consider attending.

We decided we should be rewarded for not getting married.

And this lady reaffirmed our decision.

We tried (and are still trying) to win $200. You can help.

This woman made us feel a little better about ourselves, but mostly about our mom.

Lows:

We questioned the choices of our editors.

We ate at Denny's, and apparently missed out on some hot teenage orgy action.

Our faith in humanity was restored, almost.

We're even less motivated to do laundry.

We learned that the gays are poor, too.

Purity boot camp.

This horse made us really sad.

Not everyone agrees with us that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

Sloppy Seconds: Blake-Fielder Civil Escapes (More) Prison (Time)

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 22:25:00 GMT

Patrick Dempsey didn't dig the doc firing on Grey's Anatomy. Perhaps he knows something we don't about ABC's true motives?

This guy will either be dead or a legend by 27.

Eddie Izzard made the really dumb decision, as he is not a US citizen, to donate to Obama. He made an even dumber one when he admitted to doing so on CNN.

Michael Crichton died of cancer, a battle which was kept entirely private.

Who gave 50 Cent a reality show? Jesus Christ. Well, at least it's a positive show for a change.

And Amy Winehouse's husband ("Blakey," we think his name is) was released from jail after a year of hell... or, if you're married to Amy Winehouse, womb-like bliss.

10-Year-Old Boy Is the Lone Protester of Nude Sunbathing

Obama and McCain Supporters Bring Out the Worst In All of Us

While You Were Sleeping: Amy Winehouse's Scientology Cure

While You Were Sleeping: Minnie Driver Pops Out A Future Celebrity

Porn and Pasties: We Missed Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

"Porn and Pancakes..." "Porn and Pastries..." and the much-less-appetizing "Porn and Parents" (ouch.) Sounds like the agenda for a totally different kind of "#1 porn site..."

Unfortunately, it was a xxxchurch.com event, and an anti-pornography event to boot:

"Porn and Pastries" was part of an anti-porn weekend at the church that included "Porn and Pancakes" for guys and "Porn and Parents" on Saturday, and a "Porn Sunday" today.
Now, he says, his anti-porn site gets 300,000 to 700,000 visitors a month, depending on the publicity it gets.

Porn and Pastries was the first women-only event that the xxxchurch had done, as it stages more than 100 anti-porn gatherings a year, said Gross. [Seattle Times]

Of course, what Gross wouldn't say on the record was that 290,00 to 690,000 of those visitors were surfing for sexy nun videos. XXChurch, meanwhile, attempts to lead web users toward the Lord and away from Lord of the Cockrings. The event, held in Seattle by a Vegas-based Christian, drew hundreds of women, mainly between the ages of 20 and 40, all of whom paid $10 to hear stories of lovers scorned by porn-loving men. The message here: don't let your husbands look at porn or your lives will be ruined.

Although the message on xxxchurch.com's "Get Involved" page can be misinterpreted to encourage porn-loving:

See, if you think about it one way, it's a kind of Jesus Saves (Everyone, Including) Porn Stars... but if you read it the other way...

Related:

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San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Gonzo Porn Director Slapped With 4 Years In Prison By Un-American Tampa Court

Teenage Boy Busted For Receiving A Nude Picture Message

Video of the Day: Rachael Ray Corn Porn

Video of the Day: Wigging Out Over Jesus

Emily Farris — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 17:52:00 GMT

Forgive us if you've seen this before, but it's only 31 seconds of your life we're asking you to relive if you have. And don't you think watching a woman lose her wig when the spirit moves her is worth half a minute of your God-damned time?

Jesus: Out Of My Dreams and Into My Car?

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:44:00 GMT

Earlier this year the South Carolina legislature unanimously decided the state's new license plates would boast a Christian cross and the tagline "I believe."

Not only did the governor approve this measure, but the lieutenant governor offered to put up $4,000 of his own money to ensure that his state would be the first to issue the plates (because we're sure New York, Missouri and California are currently devising ways to beat South Carolina to this).

Now we don't know about you, but we believe that's highly unconstitutional. And so do Americans United for Separation of Church and state, who have filed a federal lawsuit to stop the production of the plates.

The license plate law was passed with a slew of other religious laws in the state, much to the objection of groups like the American Civil Liberties Union and the American Jewish Congress

Maybe we should all be thinking about what Jesus would do in this situation. We imagine he'd suggest, instead, the sale of those plastic license plate frames that sport the "I believe" tagline at every Wal-Mart and gas station in South Carolina.

But like any good followers, South Carolina's politicians now say the plates are "out of their hands."

[NYT: Group Sues to Keep Cross Off Car Plates]

Related:

Does the Establishment Clause Exclude Santa Claus?

The Second Coming: Sin-Free Sex Toys for Christians

Big Church Comes from a Big Family, With Big Boobs and All

Scanner Highs And Lows: Privates And Privacy

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 21:51:00 GMT

This week, we got down with O.P.P. You remember O.P.P....

Scanner Emily is off to Vegas and will talk about all her naughty, naughy adventures uncensored.

We caught TV talking heads in mid-"O."

Angelina talked about her private sex life that's not really that private.

We told people how to find your G-spot. You're welcome.

We got nostalgic for indecent exposure.

Scanner Nicole delved deep into the sex lives of the elderly. And lived.

We showed you a baby with an extra penis. On his back.

We exposed phone sex workers for what they are. Which is... uh... phone sex workers.

We exposed uppity, meddling do-nothings who videotape lingerie shoppers.

Our guest blogger Steve rose a stink on Fark with his blasphemous assertion that Jesus-- gasp!-- had short hair.

And Scanner Brian and Scanner Emily had dueling stories about our married lives in 1939 vs. today. Thank God things have changed.

Now go out and enjoy your private life... in public, if you must. We promise not to write about it.

Fact: Jesus Had Short Hair

Steve McKay — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 16:08:00 GMT

Contrary to popular misconceptions, Jesus was not a longhair. It is amazing that in our own lifetime we will bear witness to one of the religious world’s greatest debates being put to rest. At long last, the fighting can end!

While others were frittering away their time examining pointless issues like what color Christ was or whether or not gays are people too, Dr. Jack Hyles dropped a bomb on the religious theory scene a few years ago. Although the man is no longer with us, his teachings live on via the Internet.

Section headings include:

-God Is Concerned About Our Apparel, Hair Styles, Etc

-The Bible Plainly Teaches That It Is A ‘Shame’ For A Man To Wear Long Hair

-Jesus Was Not A Nazarite

-If Jesus Had Been A Nazarite, He Still Would Not Necessarily Have Had Long Hair

We're sure that any day now people are going sit up in their barber's chairs and take notice, 'cause the way we see it, Hyles has convincingly proved his point that long hair is a universal symbol for rebellion and that wearing your hair short is a symbol of one’s belief in the Bible. But what does that say about skinheads and people with mohawks? And what about mullets? Hey, wait a minute…

We Can Imagine What Pete Doherty Had for His Last Supper

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 18:45:00 GMT

Babyshambles frontman and professional dandruff flake Pete Doherty commissioned a sculpture of himself on the cross for an upcoming gig. Here he is getting his art on posing for the work.

According to The Sun:

The “disturbing artwork” will be carved in marble and show Doherty being tortured, surrounded by strips of newspapers — symbolising his crucifixion by the media.

Cry us a sad, lonely river. If Pete Doherty wasn't mocked by the media, no one would recognize his face. As it is, it's getting hard to see underneath all the scabs and blue gunk.

Exclusive: Photos of the Gay Jesus Last Supper Orgy Exhibit

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:35:00 GMT

"Our country can do without scribblers and agitators like Hrdlicka." So says a guestbook entry at Vienna, Austria's Dommuseum, parked next to a church and owned by the city's archdiocese. The uproar?

Alfred Hrdlicka, is celebrating his 80th birthday this year with a retrospective of his art at the Dommuseum, although various Catholics and censors are outraged that Jesus is depicted in one drawing as having some sort of crudely-rendered orgy after a wine-soaked Last Supper. And here we were thinking that it was usually a Gladiator battle and grapes on a vine that kickstarted a good old-timey sexfest....

(The offending images are including below; they are unavailable elsewhere due to the museum having taken down the most objectionable drawing.)

There are other drawings, including one of Jesus getting groped while nailed to the cross, all included in the following video.

Hrdlicka defended himself by saying that there were no women in Leonardo's rendering of the Last Supper, so he just had to depict men doing the pleasuring of other men. That's about as convincing as the following statement on how taking the picture down is not censorship:

The museum took down the Last Supper piece at Cardinal Schoenborn's request just over a week after the 'Religion, Flesh and Power' exhibition opened, leaving a blank black wall at the entrance to the display.

"This has nothing to do with censorship, rather corresponds with the understood "reverence for the sacred," the Cardinal's spokesman said in a statement.

Via the AP.

Hunky Jesus 2008: Resurrected for Passion

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Here's video from yesterday's Hunky Jesus competition hosted by San Francisco's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. Recycling Jesus, Zombie Jesus, and Michangelo's Jesus, to name a few, came out for the title of Hunky Jesus 2008. Competition was stiff and things got pretty hunky, but the Jesuses hung in it to win it. How foxy did Jesus get? Check the photo after the jump:

We knew that beefcake beats lamb cake any day. Next stop for this foxy Jesus should be one of Ben McPherson's paintings:

Jesus Christ To Endorse Huckabee At 4pm Press Conference

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Mike Huckabee truly believes he's Holier-than-thou. He thinks if he says God the most times per sentence per speech, he'll be nominated for President by the Republican Party. It was scary for a while thinking the Governor of Arkansas could actually win, following his short-lived triumph in this month's Iowa caucus.

Think this video is scary? Wait till you see what GodTube is trumpeting as their new favorite video, after the jump.

Seriously, folks, WWJD? Would he support an evangelical preacher like Mike Huckabee... or would he be more inclined to choose a tree-huggin' Denny Kucinich as his running mate? USA Today has the story on Jesus in 2008, a new website devoted to this very debate.