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Chris Rock is Spending Inauguration Day in the Whitest Place in America

Colleen Kane — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:49:00 GMT

On this historic day, Chris Rock won't be in Washington, D.C., but promoting a film at Sundance in Utah, or as he puts it, "the whitest place in America." Here's his explanation about why it's hard to make fun of Barack Obama.

ln an interview with CNN, Rock compares Barack to stars like Will Smith or Brad Pitt. "There's no Brad Pitt jokes. You know, what are you going to say? 'Ooh, you used to have sex with Jennifer Anniston. Now you have sex with Angelina Jolie. You're such a loser.' What do you say? 'Ooh, your movies are big. You make $20 million.' There's nothing to say about Brad Pitt.

Likewise, with Obama, "It's like 'Ooh, you're young and virile and you've got a beautiful wife and kids. You're the first African-American president.' You know, what do you say?"

About the excitement of today, he puts it well: "It'll be a cool day. It's weird. I've never watched an inauguration. I've never watched anyone get sworn in. You know, it's like Election Day and then you look up and somebody else is the president two months later. It was never like, "I can't wait till tomorrow. Oh my god! They're going to swear in Jimmy Carter!"

Reflections on the Obama Inauguration Celebration Concert

Obama's Anti-Racism Speech Inspires Comedians To Get All Racist

Bust Out the Blue Panties and Curl Your Hairs: We're Having Our Picture Taken with Obama on Inauguration Day

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

Related:

Wino Goes Topless and We Say No No No

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

Guess Which US President Is Getting a Sewage Treatment Plant Named After Him...

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:16:00 GMT

Hint: It's not Bill Clinton.

That's right, there's a campaign in San Francisco to rename the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant after George W. Bush when he leaves office. A group called the Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco is circulating a petition to have the issue voted on during November elections. The fact that people have taken the time to collect 12,00 signatures supporting this name change is a perfect reason to both love and hate San Francisco. But it seems like the treatment plant will be more socially and environmentally beneficial than its namesake ever was.

Name That Politician: "A really strong body..."

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 May 2008 15:14:00 GMT

"Perhaps the smell of his skin, something so fleeting, a little flicker, but definitely there,'' she says.
"Until that moment it had genuinely never crossed my mind that he was anything but a rival. The truth, I began to realize, was that he was a very good-looking young man, tall and slim, yet broad in the shoulders. A really strong body.'' [Bloomberg News]

Who is the politician, now outed as a total stud by his wife's juicy memoir? Here's a hint:

Nope, it's not Dame Helen Mirren, silly. It's another British hottie, former Prime Minister

Tony "The Looker" Blair!

Apparently, the poor bastard's wife received a 1.5 million pound advance to write the garbage you read an excerpt from above... and below:

"This year I had been a little more circumspect and had not packed my contraceptive equipment, out of sheer embarrassment,'' she writes, referring to how security staff had inspected her bags during earlier visits.

"As usual up there, it had been bitterly cold, and what with one thing and another ... but then, I thought, I can't be. I'm too old. It must be the menopause.'' [Bloomberg]

All kidding aside, Cherie ain't a bad writer... it's just... it's just, you know... TMI, yo!

"Speaking For Myself" by Cherie Blair is available now from Little Brown & Co. Try not to all leave Scanner for Amazon all at once, people...

Will Al Gore Save America?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:30:00 GMT

It hasn't been confirmed by any news outlets we trust, but over the weekend, the Scotsman broke a story that could, if true, mean the end of the Democratic primary...

"They're in discussions," a source close to Carter told Scotland on Sunday. "Carter has been talking to Gore. They will act, possibly together, or in sequence."

If Al Gore and Jimmy Carter were to hold a press conference and endorse either candidate simultaneously (the barely credible Scotsman story specifies Obama as the choice of both men), it would immediately end the primary process and rally superdelegates and undecideds, unify the party, and redirect the attention toward November and the matchup with McCain.)

Look for this story to die or become a shocking reality, basically over the next 24 hours.

For more, read the full (and thin) piece.

PS The above video, taken of Hillary Clinton responding to Obama's relentless verbal assault on thinking voters everywhere, is a bit manipulative, but does show why Hillary Clinton is a better campaigner than Barack Obama-- she knows how to attack and regain the upperhand in anything. Will Barack learn in time to battle the Swift Boaters, the GOP think tanks, and right-wing radio?

If he can stay on the offensive, or turn a guffaw into an advantage, he may be able to pull this thing off after all. For example, within hours of Obama's speech featuring an offhand remark about "bitter" Americans tired of blah blah blah, a supporter leapt to his defense, launching Bitter Voters For Obama.

Bitter, and proud of it. Clinton says we're 'resilient,' but we can't take it any more.

This and dozens of comments at bittervoters.org.