Scanner : jimmy kimmel

Sloppy Seconds: Portia de Rossi Apologizes for Getting Gay Married

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A court in Los Angeles has issued a restraining order against a man who is apparently obsessed with "Dancing With the Stars" contestant and former Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson after he tried to break into the set of the show. [NYT]

Newly-single Madonna plans to adopt another Malawian child. [Us]

Nicole Kidman has joined the cast of the new Woody Allen film. [Yahoo!]

Yet another magazine has folded. This time it's the music mag Blender. [AdAge]

Portia de Rossi has publicly apologized for her gay marriage. On the Jimmy Kimmel show, of course. [The Remote Island]

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Sloppy Seconds: Did Barbara Walters Out Whoopi Goldberg?

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 23:02:00 GMT

Because Paris Hilton absolutely needs more puppies. [People]

We've heard that women reach their fertile peak at 27 but maybe that's actually the case for men, too. A new study has shown that children of older fathers have lower IQ scores than those with younger fathers. In contrast, children born to older mothers scored higher on the same tests. This really is the year of the cougar! [Reuters]

Two cheepskate brothers have been exchanging the same birthday card for 36 years. At this point, why even waste money on postage? Just send an ecard, dudes. [Colorado Springs Gazette]

Did Barbara Walters out Whoopi Goldberg on The View last week? Was she already out? Did anyone even notice? Does anyone really care at this point? [VIDEO: AfterEllen]

Related:

Paris Hilton, You and You Alone (and Maybe Nicole Ritchie) Can Stop Puppy Mills

Christian Bale's Rage: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

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Awkward Tuesday: Is "The Bachelor" Fixed, Fact or Fiction?

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:41:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Here's the conversation we had with our sister during the premiere of this season of The Bachelor:

Our sister: I hate Jason.
Us: What? Why? He's awesome.
Our sister: I think he's evil.
Us: You're crazy.

OMG. She was right. He is evil. And a crybaby...

The thing is, there were so many awkward moments during last night's three-hour ordeal that it's difficult to know where to begin.

First, the episode...

Jimmy Kimmel's Freudian Slip

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 22:01:00 GMT

Ha ha, Jimmy Kimmel. You said one sexual word when you meant another innocent word. Conan's not even on for now and I'm still not watching you.

Related:

Richard Simmons on Jimmy Kimmel....Because We Have To

Sarah Silverman And Jimmy Kimmel Split After 5 Years

VIDEO Handful of Akon on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Will Conan Suck When He Gets to L.A.?

Scanner Matt — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 22:43:00 GMT

You may have heard that Jay Leno is going to move to the 10:00 spot on June 1 when Conan O'Brien takes over the "Tonight Show", and while Leno is going to keep his (or Johnny Carson's) Burbank studio, O'Brien will be moving into a new studio... 3,000 miles from New York.

And as the New York Post points out:

TV shows reflect the places where they are made - think of Oprah and Chicago or the "Today" show and Rockefeller Center. It's part of their show- business DNA.

That means the "Tonight Show" will be changing more than its host when it moves from Burbank to Universal Studios this summer.

So will Conan keep his cool and stay (relatively) funny or turn into the celebrity kiss-up willing to pander to a more traditional audience at an earlier time slot as did the unfunny Leno?

Does this mean no more "masturbating bear" or sneaking knowing stares to the camera when the celebrity being interviewed is a complete moron?

Although "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" has mostly been a mainstream program and like all late night shows a promotional tool for the movie industry, it seemed to take a few chances with bizarre comedy bits, the occasional offensive joke and generally sought to push mundane television comedy a little further than the others when permitted. Will it keep it's edge, though fairly blunt in comparison to cable, when O'Brien reaches La La Land or will Letterman regain the ratings title?

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Emma Watson To Get Naked?

Stop Saying the New Tina Fey Catchphrase

Scarlett Johansson Sells Snot on Ebay

Leaked Photos: Jessica Alba Airbrushed, Before and After

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VIDEO Handful of Akon on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live'

Scanner Matt — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 17:16:00 GMT

Another video today? Why not? This one's a shorty. When rapper, Akon, decided to jump into the adoring crowd at "Jimmy Kimmel Live" while performing his atrociously boring single, "Right Now" (not a Van Halen cover), a random hand reaches up and begins massaging his crotch.

It's at 3:22 on the video after the jump.

We assume the audience member was just making things easier on Akon. Why should rappers have to grab their own crotch all the time? We always thought the tough-guy pee pee dance was a passing fad, but it never seems to go away.

Related:

Out to Lunch With Akon and T-Pain

Italian Dude Fined For Grabbing Crotch; Salon Gives the Background

Cheap Army Uniforms Causing Crotch Blow-Out

Sloppy Seconds: Queen Latifah on Being Gay

Emily Farris — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 21:23:00 GMT

We would absolutely agree that Eminem was the best rapper in "Eight Mile." We even stood up and cheered at the end... but the best rapper in the world? [FadedYouth]

We have a much easier time believing that Halle Berry is the sexiest woman in the world. [Yahoo!]

We're also surprisingly happy that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel are back together; mostly because we know how much break ups suck. [People]

Howard Stern married his girlfriend Beth Ostrosky. [MTV]

Is somebody going to knock Elisabeth Hasselbeck off any time soon? Off The View, people! Off The View! [MollyGood]

"I don't have a problem discussing the topic of somebody being gay, but I do have a problem discussing my personal life," Queen Latifah told Sunday's New York Times magazine. [Us]

Video of the Day: Sarah Silverman Would Like You to Schlep Your Jew Ass To Florida and Save the F*cking World Already

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:03:00 GMT

According to Sarah Silverman, it's up to the Jews to get Barack Obama into the White House, because black people and Jewish people are just the same. For example, they both say "yo" all the time, except Jewish people go right to left, "oy."

[The Great Schlep]

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

Sarah Silverman And Jimmy Kimmel Split After 5 Years

Ina Maier — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 21:20:00 GMT

UsMagazine is reporting that Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman have called it quits after more than 5 years of being Hollywood's most humorous couple.

According to a source, "the break up was mutual."

UsMagazine has a whole lot of other seemingly useless tidbits, like how Jonah Hill was seen stopping by Silverman's table (where she was, of course, accompanied by an unknown male companion) at Hugo's restaurant in the Hollywood Hills and the fact that Silverman ate vegetarian quinoa topped with fruit.

All we want to know is - was Matt Damon involved?

Via UsMagazine.com

Sarah Silverman Makes A Funny

Russell Simmons On Jimmy Kimmel (Because We Have To)

Jimmy Kimmel And Ben Affleck Throw Sex-Crazed Oscars' After-Party

Photos courtesy of NYmag.com.

John McCain Proves that Even Old, Crazy Dudes Can Stay Up Late

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 19:08:00 GMT

Thankfully, this clip of Jimmy Kimmel interviewing John McCain doesn't make McCain any more likeable. (A man who does not even have the balls to openly pick a team for the NBA Championship does not deserve to be a State Senator, let alone President.) We learn that he loves to barbeque ribs and that he's going to "stay up" and watch the basketball game. But is it us, or does it seem like one more "old guy" jab might throw him straight over the edge? Peep the seething, bubbling, repressed rage after the jump.

Top 5 Things McCain Should Do Now

Scanner Highs and Lows: It Hurts So Good

Emily Farris — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 22:44:00 GMT

This week was all about intensity, good, bad and, uh, injected.

First a recap of last Friday night:

High:

Scanner Bryan got touched by an Angel.

Low:

Scanner Emily busted her ass rollerskating, and broke her wrist.

Now for the rest of the week:

Highs:

We drank 40's in the bathtub.

We got engaged. But just for the health insurance. OK, just for the camera.

We decided we like our G-spots just the way they are, thank you very much.

We can die happy: New Kids on the Block are reuniting. Step One: we can have lots of fun. Step Two: There's so much we can do.

We thought about getting cultural; whether we actually will is another story.

We found the greatest Rickroll ever, and almost sat through the entire thing.

Lows:

We almost, maybe, crushed on Lindsay Lohan. But just for a second.

Have we really had Sweedish boob overload?

Is this the future of our country? Worse yet, is this?

We learned we have no memory of dolphins.

Richard Simmons ~~humped~~ helped Jimmy Kimmell. Both were wearing short shorts.

If that's really Giselle, we're really bummed.

Image via imagehost.vendio.com

This Week in Gayness: Ben Affleck Comes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:00:00 GMT

The above-pictured transgender patient is a prison inmate who is suffering through some painful shit while the lawsuit against her warden is slogging on. Michelle, nee Robert Kosilek, is serving a long, long sentence for the 1990 slaying of his wife, which he claimed was in self-defense after she poured hot water on his balls.

We realize that's not really related to homosexuality, but we couldn't figured out where else to put this story, which is from Gay.com. We said it, it's here, now let's move on to the other craziness:

Scanner Bryan alerted us to this one: Producer Scott Rudin thanked his partner during his Oscar acceptance speech (Best Picture - No Country For Old Men), but saw that part mysteriously excised from the official transcript.

That stupid bastard who accused Obama of having gay sex with his stupid bastard self failed a lie detector test. Meanwhile, Obama is buying gay ad time in the upcoming primary states.

Outrage over the story of a bankruptcy judge was busted in New Hampshire for drunk-driving and rear-ending a vehicle. A local newspaper is taking flak for assuming the suspect was dressed in drag. Why? Um, maybe it had something to do with this quote, from the arresting officer: "He had a difficult time locating his license in his purse."

And Ben Affleck came out of the closet on that other late-night show that nobody watches. (Someone please tell me Carson Daly has been cancelled.)

Evil Anti-Gay Video of the Day:

Jimmy Kimmel and Ben Affleck Throw a Sex-Crazed Oscars' After-Party

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:00:00 GMT

Looks like Jimmy Kimmel got his sweet, sweet revenge on Sarah Silverman and Matt Damon by fucking Ben Affleck's brains out and then rounding up a thousand celebrities to sing about it. The song's a little weak, but you'll never hear us complain when Huey Lewis is on the mic.