Scanner : john mayer

While You Were Sleeping: Paul Newman’s Gay Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Free mp3’s from the likes of She & Him, Robyn Hitchcock, and Shawn Mullins can be yours if you donate so much as one dollar to save Paste Magazine.

We really feel bad for this woman who cried in her mugshot photo, even though she put up an ad on an elevator wall offering sex for money and gave out her real phone number.

Tom Hanks is upset his Angels and Demons sex scene was cut for the PG-13 rating.

John Mayer sends text messages that say “I want to tuck you in” when he really means a word that starts with “f” instead of “t,” according to the ever-reliable New York Post.

Hey Brits– the best breasts are in Yorkshire.

Gerard Butler has been charged with beating up a pap.

Shanna Moakler asked Carrie Prejean to “stop lying.”

And a new book claims Paul Newman and James Dean slept together. That seems believable– if we were forced at gunpoint to have sex with another man, it would have to be one of these two in their prime.

While You Were Sleeping: Sex Tape For Sale

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:20:00 GMT

We were beginning to think he might actually get away with it: Drew Peterson was arrested yesterday and charged with the murder of his third wife.

John Mayer is playing a series of intimate concerts, featuring only his new material, for his staff.

Gotta love this guy: A bar owner lit up a cigarette at the Ohio health department as a protest over the bar smoking ban. Of course, to top it off, he threatened to have the department fined for allowing him to smoke.

Next on the block for porn parodies: 30 Rock!

Memo to hideous-looking billionaire divorcing Stephanie Seymour: it's all uphill from here.

Believe it or not, kids, pictured above is the cast of The Goonies. And yes, Chunk is the little bald man in back-- at least, that's what everyone says.

Rich Berliners complained about a local brothel, so judges "expected" it and found it to be "discreet." We're not making this up.

Kiefer Sutherland's California probation could be revoked because of his misdemeanor arrest in New York.

Dude, you were making a lot of money off of the Body World thing-- why did you have to go and show two dead people having sex?

And an ex-boyfriend of Deanna Hummel, the woman alleged to have had an affair with Jon Gosselin from the reality show we'd never heard of and think is desperate for some publicity, has released a sex tape of a woman he claims is Hummel. (Very NSFW link here.) At this point, we're guessing there was no affair and, even if there was, this sex tape looks fake.

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:18:00 GMT

Do you drunk text even though you shouldn't because it always ends badly? Yeah, so do we. Perhaps that's why we're so amused by Texts From Last Night, a new website that encourages you to submit those drunken texts you sent or received. [TFLN]

A small earthquake hit the Bay Area today. [The Inquisitr]

John Mayer would like everyone to know that he is very single. [Us]

And Miley Cyrus would like you to know that she is not dating Nick Jonas. [People]

Melissa Keeton and Shelly Wolfe were issued the first same-sex marriage license in Iowa today, after the state legalized gay marriage earlier this month. [USA Today]

Some guy we've never heard of is TIME's most influential person of the year. Turns out that though we've never heard of him we were sort-of influenced by him. [TIME]

Watch the trailer for "Partly Private," a documentary about how we view circumcision in the Western World. [Partly Private]

We've probably paid more in fees to Bank of America than we made last year. If you have too, you should tell your story to the SEIU. [ScrewedbyBofA.org]

And that picture had nothing to do with anything in this post. We just thought it was too hilarious to pass up. [Defamer]

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

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John Mayer Considered Going Gay

Colleen Kane — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:20:00 GMT

John Mayer is still at his sometime standup career. In this clip from his performance on the Mayercraft Carrier, he discusses his makeout session with Perez Hilton and how he has considered going gay. We dont' really get the rationale, though-- he seems to be saying he made out with Perez to prove he was just as wild as Perez?

Then he caps it with these declarations.

"I will f?ck you in the ass to shut you up," and "I will go ass to mouth, just to shut you up."

He also references himself liking them old (although he was talking about a man in the joke, this sounded like a Jen reference).

And, Mayer also knew this bit would get blogging masses typing.

"I thought about this shit over there before I came out, I don't care."

John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

While You Were Sleeping: It's A Lipstick Jungle Out There

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 13:10:00 GMT

Women in Saudi Arabia are going to other countries to shop for lingerie because of the male store employees. In other news, Saudi Arabia allows lingerie.

Prince William "can marry a Jedi," but not a Catholic.

Fake Dina Lohan and Fake Christopher Walken were outed and removed, respectively, from Twitter.

Richard Simmons never stops entertaining, even in the airport, and even if it means singing... "Single Ladies?"

What do you do if your first bank robbery fails? Go into the next bank. That way, it's easier for the cops to find you.

No one wants to have to sit through the vile, racist Rush Limbaugh show, which is why Media Matters has set up Limbaugh Wire.

John Mayer is wearing, um, a little sailor suit and, um, sniffing a mankini.

And are you sitting down? Lipstick Jungle has been canceled, if you hadn't already heard.

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Facebook Quickly Becoming a Raging Cesspool...

Britain's Sexual Hazing Rituals Apparently News to Some People...

While You Were Sleeping: Carrie Underwood's Dress Was Too Short

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

David Letterman finally married his girlfriend of more than 20 years, with a decent story to boot.

See, this is why we love the city.

Yeah, we were wondering about that: John Mayer seems to be on the Twitter thing all the time. Turns out, it's the reason he got dumped by Jennifer Aniston.

A woman was arrested in her wedding dress for drunk driving.

A man and a woman were arrested after the woman was discovered breastfeeding while drunk off her ass. Oh yeah, and the cops also found poison and other harmful materials in the baby's room. God bless Florida.

It has long baffled us that, hardcore Republican or not, women are able to watch Bill O'Reilly after reading something like this.

Anne Hathaway is confirmed to play Judy Garland. But can she sing?

Remember how we thought M.I.A.'s kid's name might be dumb? And then how we turned out to be wrong about that name? Turns out we weren't all that wrong after all.

A Best Buy customer actually thought their "new" DVD player was new. Imagine that! Oh, and it had a XXX porn disc inside.

And Katy Perry and Josh Groban are dating. This is the last time we will ever mention these two, we swear...

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Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Sloppy Seconds: Tyra's Abusive Relationship

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer's Penis

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 14:09:00 GMT

Jason Segel has no luck with women, claims the Post.

Really dig this Tropic of Cancer-inspired photo. [NSFW]

George W. Bush is writing a book on "the most important decisions of his presidency." Since those were all made by Cheney, we wonder why they're calling this an autobiography.

It was a setup. Big Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Ooh, Twilight fans-- some of the cast may be sneaking into the midnight DVD release parties.

Three people robbed Victoria's Secret of $3,400 worth of panties.

Natasha Richardson died from a skiing injury yesterday at age 45.

John Mayer Tweeted that his penis fell asleep. And no, it didn't have anything to do with his relationship with Jennifer Aniston.

And this guy thought he was on his deathbed, so he confessed to decades-old murder charges he'd bailed on. Whoops.

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While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

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While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 15:25:00 GMT

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Whatever that means.

The day we've all been waiting for: Portia does Ellen... 's show.

Liam Neeson's wife Natasha Richardson is in critical condition following a skiing accident.

Poor Steve-O: Dancing With the Stars hurted him too much.

How fucked up is it that the above photo of Amy Winehouse is her looking "healthier" than she has in ages?

That nitwit Tom Green was "fired" from Celebrity Apprentice. That show's still on? And they were even considering Tom Green worthy of being considered for a job at a Donald Trump company? Sheesh.

Imus has prostate cancer.

Jennifer Aniston claims she was the one that dumped John Mayer. Just to milk this story for another news cycle...

Sorry for the late blogging today, we're all here at SXSW now. We'll be at Maggie Mae's tonight if you want to say hello.

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Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

She's Just Not That Into You. Or Is She?

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The Iraqi shoe thrower was sentenced to three years in prison. Come on, even if this happened in Texas while Bush was Governor, he probably wouldn't have received such a lengthy prison term.

Radiohead to a vindictive Miley Cyrus: shut up and "grow up."

This mama monkey in Thailand shows her incredibly cute lil' monkey offspring how to floss with human hair. And they say evolution is a myth.

Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith's doctor were charged with being complete assholes to her, basically helping her die young.

A great many teens appear to blame Rihanna for Chris Brown going medieval on her. Where does this kind of thinking come from? The parents?

Ashley Alexandra Dupree is getting spiritual advice from... Russell Simmons? Not that we're against it, but we're hoping he's advising her to abandon her singing career.

It seems John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up again. Moving along...

And Will Ferrel will broadcast his Broadway show on HBO at 9pm EST on Saturday.

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John & Jen's Perfectly in-Character Sexy Role Play

Colleen Kane — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 18:20:00 GMT

Mike Walker's National Enquirer column reported on a visit made by Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer to L.A.'s Pleasure Chest sex toy shoppe, where supposedly they made some purchases and did a little play-acting. Like Jen's movies and John's music, it sounds about as middle-of-the-road as can be, so maybe this bit of celebrity gossip, attributed to unnamed "spies," is true.

"Jennifer Aniston sashayed into The Pleasure Chest, Hollywood’s elegant sex shop, with hunky Young Stuff John Mayer in tow - and it looked like sparks were flying, romance-wise. As Jen smiled demurely at intriguing items offered by the naughty fun emporium, say My Spies, John fanned the flames by selecting: A bedside lock-box containing a copy of the Kama Sutra; handcuffs; a G-string with matching candy bra; and a “Dare Me” coupon book. As the love stud headed to the checkout counter, Jennifer slipped outside for a quick puff - then stepped back in, sidled up to John like he was a total stranger, and purred huskily: 'Do you shop here often?'…. Not missing a beat, the crooner crooned: 'No, but I’ve noticed a lot of beautiful women shop here.'… Totally into the role-play, he asked Beautiful Stranger: 'What are your plans for the day?' Smiling sweetly, she replied: 'I’m going to a children’s party.' He grinned. 'I’m great with kids.' Then, playing it brilliantly, he asked to carry her bags! The star-crossed strangers left the store together."

On second thought, the play-acting might be more comparable to John's comedy moonlighting career.

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John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

via CeleBitchy

Sloppy Seconds: Annie Leibovitz's Financial Woes

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:39:00 GMT

Netflix will offer a streaming-only service, but apparently it still won't be available to Mac users. [Wired]

Former Hugh Hefner flame and original Girl Next Door Holly Madison has split from Criss Angel after nearly four months. [Yahoo!]

It looks like there's some not-so-hot lesbian action coming to Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. [Us]

Maybe John Mayer really is that into Jennifer Aniston? [People]

What happens when a skinny reporter goes to fashion week in a fat suit? [Jezebel]

Annie Leibovitz took out a loan against her photographs to pay off her mortgage debt. When Leibovitz's long-time partner Susan Sontag died in 2004, she left several properties to the photographer, who has struggled to afford to keep them. [AfterEllen]

[Image]

Jennifer Aniston Can't Win

Colleen Kane — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:45:00 GMT

I've never been a huge Jennifer Aniston fan; she does not typically have roles in movies I want to see.

But that aside, Leave Jennifer Alone already.

The blogs make her out to be a pathetic lunatic. Let's review some of her crimes, as seen on the Internet:

* She talks about Brad Pitt, a man she was married to for years, when she is asked about Brad Pitt.

* She wants to have children.

* She does not have any children yet.

* She dates John Mayer.

* She is maybe broken up with John Mayer.

* The woman now with Jennifer's ex-husband, hottest man alive Brad Pitt, is Angelina Jolie, is the hottest woman alive.

* Her ex-husband has a million kids while she has none.

* John Mayer says stupid shit while trying to be funny.

* By the way, she wants kids and has no kids

* Also, she is not married.

* She's not getting any younger, and has no kids.

* Don't you feel sorry for her? She used to be married to Brad Pitt, but now Angelina Jolie has him. Also, they have a million kids and she has none.

These are her crimes as tried and convicted on the snark sites. Just look at today's post on What Would Tyler Durden Do? Jennifer is asked about technology and dating, and she brings up that she still has some old answering machine messages from her first boyfriend and even her ex husband, prompting the opening sentence, "Jenifer Aniston is a lunatic." Sound the crazy alarm! Call the men in the white coats! Jennifer Aniston saved mementos from her past!

Sheesh.

Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

John Mayer Reveals Intimate Detail in "Funny" Video

Colleen Kane — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 16:30:00 GMT

John Mayer made some video titled on YouTube as "funny." While we'd argue that it's more amusing than the output of some professional comics, that's still not saying much. (He's wearing a little boy's tie! Hee hee!)

John did reveal a few things in this video, though.

He jokes, twice, about his girth. He also goes into a tangent about Brad Pitt, the handsomest guy in the world who used to be married to his girlfriend Jenifer Aniston. Not afraid to go there!

While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

The One Time John Mayer Beats Hardcore Girl/Girl Action

O Face: The National Anthem

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 18:05:00 GMT

Previously, we brought you images of news anchors having orgasms mid-broadcast. Thanks to a photo essay from today's Jossip, we're now able to bring you a stunning(ly pointless) sequel: singers reaching the climax of our national anthem, plus the above photo of John Mayer for the hell of it.

These choices are rather disappointing and, considering the national anthem, limiting. Why not expand our search to include the same singers belting out their own songs and giving us their best "O Face..."

Just kidding about that last one-- we hope. Well, these aren't turning out to be the masterpieces of photography we were expecting. We'll have to fall back on an old standby (as they say), with this photo of national anthem butcher Jessica Simpson, which deserves the caption "A Virgin Demonstrates What An Orgasm Must Be Like."

via Jossip

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While You Were Sleeping: John Mayer vs. Jimmy Fallon?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The new Iron Man 2 rumors say that there may not be enough money to include Samuel L. Jackson. Then again, they are somehow able to afford Emily Blunt for a role.

We're a sucker for crazy bets like this: a Republican senator lost a gentlemanly bet on a college football game to a Democratic senator. His repentance? He had to serenade Florida politician Bill Nelson, a former astronaut, with Elton John's "Rocket Man."

The Ex-BART officer who shot and killed an unarmed man on recorded video was found...

The former transit police officer accused of shooting an unarmed man at a California train station went to Nevada with his family "to clear his mind" after receiving death threats, his lawyer said Wednesday.
The lawyer's comments came after Johannes Mehserle was arrested on a fugitive warrant in Nevada.
Leads led investigators to Johannes Mehserle, 27, in Zephyr Cove, Nevada, on Tuesday, authorities said. He was contacted through his attorney and then surrendered. [CNN]

The blogs are predicting Amy Poehler's new Office "spinoff" is actually a knockoff.

If you're going to start a brawl, you might not want to do so in a brothel, especially when you're off-duty police officers.

We care what these people think of the John Mayer TV show? We could care less about his pop records and personal life, but the VH-1 show was inspired-- we always thought he would be a great late night host.

Going to the inauguration? 20+ jumbotrons. 5,000 port-a-potties. 10,000 National Guard troops. And clearly not enough beer vendors.

And Washington state will allow teachers to have sex with their students, as long as the students are legal.

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Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

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More Pictures Released from Jennifer Aniston's Naked 'GQ' Spread

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 15:45:00 GMT

If Jennifer Aniston's naked GQ cover wasn't enough for you yesterday, more pictures from the January issue have been released. We have them after the jump for your viewing pleasure... and the resolution is ~~much~~ a little better.

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Jennifer Aniston Does GQ...Naked

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:14:00 GMT

We got strangely and uncharacteristically uncomfortable when we saw Jennifer Aniston naked on the cover of the January GQ (which hits stands December 23). Perhaps you'll have a different reaction?

It's just that she looks so damn good.

Take that, Brangelina!

In addition to looking amazing, she has a few things to say.

On why she thinks people are still interested in her split with Brad, four years after the fact: “Jokingly: The funny thing is that people don’t realize we all go away to the Hamptons on the weekends… No. But can you imagine? That’d be hysterical: I’ve got Zahara on my hip, and Knox…”

On her current relationship with Brad: “We don’t not talk. When there’s something to congratulate or celebrate, there’s always an exchange. But there’s no charge on it.”

On her on-again, off-again boyfriend John Mayer: “Honestly, did not know much about him before I met him. I’d heard … you know, uh ‘Your Body’ – that song. But what I can say is that I had no idea what an extraordinary musician he is. And it’s just great to sit and be witness t that. It’s kind of like, Whoa!”

On the rumors surrounding Jen and John: “I am not having his baby. And I have not popped the question.”

Clearly, she is not pregnant.

We look forward to seeing this in hires.

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Who Is Jennifer Aniston Doing Hot Sweaty Hand Holding With These Days?

[Image, Image]

Sloppy Seconds: What is Jennifer Hudson Smiling About?

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:18:00 GMT

We never really thought of China as a big dairy land, but whatever dairy it has is staying there. The US has banned milk and milk-derived products in an effort to keep products tainted with the industrial chemical melamine off our shelves. [Washington Post]

Three female employees of KMBC 9 News in Kansas City—our former and future home—are suing the station over age and sex discrimination after being told they are 'no longer part of the future' and are oppressively criticized, targeted and harassed after they reach their 40s.' [Plog]

Jennifer Aniston "knows" John Mayer. Biblically and, you know, emotionally. [People]

Speaking of Jen, did you catch her on 30 Rock last night? It sure didn't boost the show's ratings. [Us]

Dr. Green, er Anthony Edwards, coming back from the dead wasn't enough deliver top ratings for ER, either. [Radar]

In the wake of the murders of her mother, brother and nephew, Jennifer Hudson decided to go forward with a GAP ad campaign she, er, shot before the tragedy and thanked fans for their support on her MySpace page. [Yahoo!]

While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:10:00 GMT

The newest star on Obama's shortlist for a cabinet post: Hillary Clinton, with Secretary of State the likely job. Meanwhile, Obama will resign his Senate seat early (this Sunday) instead of waiting for the Constitution to push him out.

Nebraska is in chaos, with all sorts of parents trying to drop off their rebellious teens under the Safe Haven Law.

Finally, a talk show host who might actually be funny:

John Mayer is in talks with network executives to take his singing talents to the small screen - as the host of a weekly variety show.

Rod Stewart and Ron Wood's original breakthrough group, the Faces, may be getting back together. We're trying not to get too excited because there's not even a hint of an American show.

A cleaner at a zoo in Singapore either lost his mind or was on some powerful narcotics when he wandered into the tiger exhibit. Oh boy... not pretty.

A nudist was cleared of all charges for riding his bike at night in his Oregon neighborhood.

Taylor Swift might quit country music at some point to become a surgeon.

And Adrienne Bailon's publicity stunt may have paid off: Playboy liked the ass shots, and now want to see more... with $100,000 as their offer.

Note to Disney: Stop Hiring Future Porn Stars

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

China Joins The Sex Hotel Trend

Dita Von Teese Graces Us With These Playboy Photos

Life with the Obamas... in the White House

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston's Big News

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:40:00 GMT

Janet Jackson canceled the rest of her tour. Wow, she's really going downhill fast, isn't she?

James Bond goes to... Bollywood?

Cheech and Chong want you to vote today. And no, this isn't some Republican trick pulled on our inner-cities.

The National Review, bitter as always, says the youth vote only made up 18% of the total vote. Yes, douceheads, but what about the actual number of youth voters?

And so it begins: the McCain campaign is letting loose on Sarah Palin. My God, if this corrupt and greedy individual had ever become Vice President...

Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman. Adam Shulman-- that's the name of Anne Hathaway's new boyfriend. Curses!

And Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with twins. Little John Mayer's, you think?

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Sloppy Seconds: The Republicans Finally Find a Song

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 21:21:00 GMT

Holly Madison talks about her break-up with Playboy papa Hugh Hefner. [FadedYouth]

When will Tina Fey be back on Saturday Night Live? The suspense is killing us! [Yahoo!]

Mark Wahlberg is getting married to his girlfriend and baby mama, Rhea Durham. What a funky bunch! [People]

Are Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer back together? Probably. Do we care anymore? Not really. [Us]

We have a sneaking suspicion that Hank Williams, Sr. wouldn't be too happy about Hank Williams, Jr. finally giving the Republicans their damn song. Especially because it's the worst version ever of an already sort-of bad song.

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Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Would you guzzle five kilos of chili-spaghetti for fame and glory? In Ohio?

It's like the 21st century version of that football quiz scene from Diner: the videogamer who programmed his girlfriend's game to propose to her for him when she reached a high score has gotten married.

John Mayer is wisely avoiding dating celebrities, at least for now.

How do you end a two-month world tour in West Palm Beach? If you’re John Mayer, with a beautiful blonde cocktail waitress waiting in the wings. While stealing glances backstage at the striking blonde during his mic breaks, Mayer was definitely in party mode at the packed final show of the tour at the Cruzan Amphitheater...

James Gandolfini got married over the weekend in Hawaii. Strangely, we didn't hear any Fox News anchors attacking him for vacationing in this time of great crisis.

Why didn't McCain pick this woman, who delivered her own baby in her car, for VP?

Smokey and The Bandit star and singer Jerry Reed has died.

Kids in Chicago skipped school... to protest school funding.

Anything Gisele Bundchen does in a magazine is apparently news.

Anything Britney Spears doesn't do in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas.

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Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 21:13:00 GMT

The President of Pakistan resigned today following an emotional, hour-long speech recapping his life. Has George W. Bush ever given a speech, besides the State of the Union, that lasted more than eight seconds?

A woman recalls her nightmare date with the phony "Rockefeller" kidnapper. She knew he was a fake when she saw Post It notes all over his car reminding him of his different "life stories."

John Mayer spoke to TMZ about his relationship with Jennifer Aniston:

"There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. People are different, people have different chemistry, different lives. You're either a cheater or you break up and I'm not the first one, I'm the second one. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right.
"Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met.
"I guarantee you there's 20 per cent of people on this street that are in a relationship they wish they could get out of and don't know how."

Laurence Fishburne will join CSI, as rumors previously suggested.

Just have colon surgery? Here, have some gum.

Wanted: women in Australia who do not consider themselves attractive.

What is up with the beer kegs in Iowa?

And Kate Beckinsale almost had a vagina slip, or she tells it:

"It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn't have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.

"On the way home, I said to my husband 'Darling, I think they might have gotten it.' And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed."

John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

Who Would You Rather: Jennifer Aniston vs. Jennifer Connelly

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John Mayer And TMZ Make A Funny Video: "Do You Love Celebrities? I Sure Have."

Ina Maier — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:35:00 GMT

In some bizarre confluence of events, egos, universes, etc, John Mayer and TMZ have teamed up to produce a video that somehow makes us love John Mayer more and hate TMZ slighly less. It's that awesome. The Mayer / TMZ piece de resistance after the jump.

[via TMZ]

Sloppy Seconds: And Who Do These Glorious Breasts Belong To?

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 21:41:00 GMT

Yet another reason (beyond Scanner Emily's blind love) that ABC should not have canceled "Men in Trees?" Anne Heche is now too broke to pay child support. [Gabby Babble]

Jodie Foster and her undercover lover of 14 years, Cydney Bernard, have split. We wonder if the trouble began before or after Foster thanked Bernard publicly. [Defamer]

Enough with the stupid celebrity couple names already! Johnifer? Really? [Us]

Uh, here's an idea to solve America's obesity problem? Food should be priced at 1-cent per calorie. We have to say, we'd be happy to pay less for kale these days, it's so damn expensive. [CalorieLab]

No need to explain, Mischa. If we could afford to move to Paris, we would, too. [People]

Why those are Angelina Jolie's glorious pregnancy breasts. And it appears all of her baby weight has gone there and to her belly, because she is still thin as a rail. [Yahoo!]

Sloppy Seconds: Ben Affleck's "Big Regret" Involves JLo's Big Booty

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 21:46:00 GMT

A biologist who discovered a new arachnid named the new species of trapdoor spider after his favorite musician. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Myrmekiaphila neilyoungi. [Yahoo!]

The View's Joy Behar wants to feel the knob, but draws the line at licking the knob. [Jezebel]

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are apparently "really into each other." [Us]

Little Matilda Rose Ledger looks more and more like her daddy everyday. We don't know if this will be a good thing when she's all grown up, but for now she's so freaking cute. [FameCrawler]

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are either engaged or they're not. [Hello!]

Tila Tequila is on the cover of "Blender" probably because her single "Stripper Friends" is a big hit with the kids these days? Oh wait, we've never heard it. [Hollywood Tuna]

Apparently Gwyneth Paltrow is "boring," but she looks hot on the cover of GQ, even if it is Photoshopped. [E!]

When talking about his past relationship with Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck said his "one big regret" was that he appeared the video for her single "Jenny From the Block" in which he rubbed suntan lotion on her booty. Funny, we imagine that would be most men's big goal. [GabbyBabble]

[Image]

Who Is Jennifer Aniston Doing Hot Sweaty Hand Holding With These Days?

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 20:05:00 GMT

You know the girl, you're familiar with the network TV past and the mopey relationship history...now guess who she's currently using as her emotional and sexual trash can.

1) Owen Wilson

2) Stephen Lewis former UN Special Envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa

3) John Mayer

That's right! It seems Jennifer has a thing going on with Special Envoy for douchebags who play guitar: John Mayer.

According to MSNBC:

She was spotted holding hands with Jessica Simpson's ex, John Mayer. The pair were spotted having lunch in Miami and onlookers said they looked very cosy.

A source said: "They were affectionate, definitely touchy-feely. The room they ate in was almost empty. They both drank bellinis."

Empty room, bellinis, touching, it sounds about as exciting as our parents' anniversary trip to the Shakespeare Festival in Stratford, Ontario.

This Week in Gayness: Perez Hilton Sues Over Unfilmed Sex Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 17:30:00 GMT

Is there anything weirder than the US Presidential race, with politicians referring to their wives overly-made-up cunts-- will Bill Clinton never shut up?-- and grown men bowling 37's?

Yes-- the North Carolina Senate Race, which pits the wife of a former President(ial candidate)-- guess the Republicans don't mind a tough-talking female opportunist if she's on their side-- Elizabeth Dole, versus Jim Neal, a gay Democratic businessman. And he might win...

A school superintendent in Massachusetts is being guarded by the police after yet one-man right-wing douche machine suggested people beat his ass, just for fun. The superintendent's crime? Allowing a children's book with a scene about two kings getting married to be read in school. (Remember when we said we support all forms of free speech? We lied.)

We've been crying tears of joy all week over the Fred Phelps church getting shut down. His Crazy Train organization hates homosexuals, Jews, Catholics, Muslims, and anybody else who doesn't pay their $400 a month church dues. Finally, he pushed the law too far and is facing eviction over a $5 million dollar fine for picketing the funerals of two servicemen killed in Iraq. (The Kansas-based Westboro Baptist Church believes all dead Americans in Iraq are God's way of saying "thanks for allowing gays to roam free.") Why can't we do this to every church and organization that offends our sanity?

Perez Hilton had a helluva week. First off, he and John Mayer had a love affair. Then some guy he had IM sex with (honestly-- doesn't anyone have sex in person anymore?!) released the transcripts as revenge for Hilton's failure to follow through on a promise to promote the other dude's blog. We refer you to the great New Yorker cartoon for further comment: "Honey, maybe no one wants to read your blog because it's about you."

'Nuff said. Photo via foolmood.

Brain Teaser: Find the Missing Ex-Girlfriend at Cosmo's "Fun Fearless Male" Awards

Bryan Christian — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:57:00 GMT

Here she is!

We had no idea that dating Jessica Simpson required one to be both fun and fearless, thus nominating one for Cosmo's "Fun Fearless Male" award. Fearless, sure, but fun? Good thing for Dane Cook it wasn't funny.

Guess out of Cook, Tony Romo, John Mayer, a bunch of other guys who probably wouldn't mind having nailed Jessica Simpson, and Common, Mayer had the most fun/least fear dating Ms. Simpson, as he actually won the "FFM" award -- which means that he, rather ickily, followed yet again in the, er, footsteps of last year's "FFM" winner: Nick Lachey. (Actually, we've heard a few juicy stories about Mayer and Simpson's sexlife, and we have to say: it certainly does sound like Mayer rather fearlessly had all the fun he could with her. They give awards for that?)

And yes, word is that at the awards ceremony, Mayer, Romo, and Cook were all well aware of their having docked their weenies in the same occasionally harbor -- not least because the press kept asking.

So big ups to Cosmo for keepin' it classy! Look for their "Fun Fearless Male" awards next year, brought to you by Zovirax!