Scanner : kansas city

We Will F*ck You Up at the Air Sex World Championships

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:03:00 GMT

Get your best o-face ready because the Air Sex World Championships are coming to a city near you.

"What is air sex?" you may be wondering. Well, we're sure you've heard of air guitar. Just take away the non-existent guitar and replace it with a non-existent partner and you have air sex.

"[Contestants] pick a song to perform to and then have two minutes to impress the judges with their overall Airness," said Tim League, founder of the Alamo Drafthouse and the Air Sex World Championship. "With their clothes on, typically.

Typically, eh?

Air Sex World Championships tour dates after the jump.

    * Sat 06/06 Austin, TX
    * Tue 06/09 Atlanta, GA
    * Wed 06/10 Washington, DC
    * Fri 06/12 New York, NY
    * Sat 06/13 Toronto, ONT
    * Sun 06/14 Chicago, IL
    * Mon 06/15 Kansas City, MO
    * Wed 06/17 Salt Lake City, UT
    * Fri 06/19 Seattle, WA
    * Sat 06/20 Portland, OR
    * Sun 06/21 Vancouver, BC
    * Wed 06/24 San Francisco, CA
    * Thu 06/25 San Diego, CA
    * Fri 06/26 Los Angeles, CA
    * Sat 06/27/09 Tucson, AZ

What luck that it's happening so close to Scanner HQ on June 15? Just a hop, skip and a jump away from Scanner Emily's apartment at Kansas City's Record Bar. And Being pros at dry humping and having heard the nickname "PT" on the high school dance team (PT standing for pelvic thrust) we're pretty sure we could take home the title of Air Sex Champion. Unfortunately (this is the only time we'll ever say this) we're really sad we have tickets to see Jenny Lewis that night.

[Air Sex World Championships via The Plog]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:53:00 GMT

After a huge wave of justified negative press raked PETA over the coals last month, the activist organization has launched an all-out campaign blitch to redirect the attention to animal rights.

The People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals, it was confirmed, is guilty of euthanizing 90% of the animals in its care every year. Ingrid Newkirk's group (of mostly white American women in their early 20s) struck back this week with Audrina Partridge, Mike Ness of Social Distortion, and a wave of nudity worldwide...

In Kansas City, Missouri, two girls dressed as cave people and wielded fake human bones to tell pedestrians and passing drivers that fur is for cave people. That annoying asshole from the Geico commercials had no comment. In a Maryland suburb, two bikini girls were photographed cavorted in a tub full of some sort of red vat, parked across from a McDonald's. In England on Sunday, four girls stripped naked and climbed into a skimpy blue makeshift shower to protest (their belief) that eating one pound of meat is as damaging to the environment as six months of showering.

Following that, the group announced punk rocker Mike Ness had joined the movement and Audrina Partridge posed for a magazine ad in far more clothing than she might wear to a memorial service.

Via KC Blog. [Please right-click and set to open in a new tab/window.]

Related:

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

FYI, Leslie Out-Nakeds the Naked Cowboy

I Owe You a Good Leg Humping

Emily Farris — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 16:17:00 GMT

Hey, Scanners. Thanks to all of your votes, my missed connection won the Missed Tees t-shirt contest, which means I'm $200 richer and I owe you a good leg humping. It also means you can buy my t-shirt, printed on American Apparel of course, at the ridiculously cheap price of $13 (see? everything is cheaper in the Midwest) and for the rest of eternity, I get 10% of every sale. So if you buy it, it's almost like you're my sugar daddy, or mama.

[Missed Tees]

Related:

"My dog humped your leg. I wanted to."

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

Girls and Boys and Beer With Mustaches

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 15:58:00 GMT

Friday night we broke free from the confines of our ginormous Midwestern apartment, took the first shower we'd had in days and ventured out to a place we were certain would be stocked with hairy men: a mustache contest hosted by the Ozanam Guild. We were really excited when we got asked to judge, but our excitement quickly faded when we realized we were wrong about the whole plethora of hairy men thing. However, we made a very important discovery: women in mustaches are sort-of hot.

Perhaps there is something in the Kansas City water that prevents men from growing facial hair:

This is the best the men of Kansas City could do. Four men competed in the "real" 'stache contest. The guy on the left won and the guy in the Adidas t-shirt got second place because this was his first 'stache and he was super excited about it. See that guy in the sweater? His facial hair may have been better than T-shirt Guy's but he said he was going to shave it as soon as he got home. Mustache FAIL:

While the mustachioed men had a weak showing, the women of Kansas City let all their hair hang out:

And the women who won rocked these sweet flavor savers:

And of course, we had to rock our own Scanner 'Stache:

Naturally, we suggested the Ozanam Guild have a beard competition next time.

Related:

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Three More Days to Pledge in Support of Scanner Bryan's Sweet Sweet 'Stache

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Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

When my friend forwarded me an invitation to a mustache competition tonight, I wrote back, "This is the event I've been waiting for my entire Kansas City life. Okay, really it would be a beard competition, but this is me settling." That might be a little true, but since it's for a good cause, and I don't have any better facial hair going on, I'm heading to the Ozanam Guild's First Annual Mustache Competition tonight.

The Ozanam Guild is a group of young professionals who raise money for Ozanam, a home and school in Kansas City for kids with emotional, behavioral and learning disorders. Your $15 gets you food, drink and all of the Midwestern mustaches your little heart desires (as long as I don't decide I want them first). If you're wearing a mustache, you can get in for $10, and if you, like me, can't grow one, they'll have some at the door. Prizes are promised for the winners of three categories: Best natural mustache, best fake mustache, and best female mustache.

It happens tonight from 6-8 p.m. at the Czar Bar at 1531 Grand. I'll be the redhead with the drool running down my chin (especially since the cute boys in the video I posted above are supposed to be there).

[Ozanam Guild]

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Robert Downey, Jr?

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:18:00 GMT

O, hai. Have we missed the point of Omegle, the site that lets you talk to strangers without even signing up? We thought it was to have a random chat with no strings, no worrying about what you say, no... nothing? But apparently, like every other aspect of our lives, we are still worse at finding love than everyone else on the planet. Or at least we're worse than this Chicago girl, who thinks she may have found her special someone on Omegle.

Oh, sweetie. We should probably tell you that your Kansas City boy is actually this guy:

[Craigslist]

Related:

It's A Slow News Day Because Everyone's Busy Playing With Omegle

Damn You, Ina Maier!

Scanner Highs and Lows: That Was Then and This is Now

SXSW In Review: The Best Worst Week

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 14:19:00 GMT

Scanner Colleen is a spoiled brat. That's all we're going to say about this photo, which we reluctantly captured for her.

After a week in Austin, we're at Scanner Emily's in Kansas City, Missouri, en route to New York. You can practically smell the burnout on our clothes-- or maybe that's the three-day-old B.O.

Either way, we're exhausted for a 12+ hour drive through most of the state of Texas, all of Oklahoma and Kansas, and finally a quick hop over the Missouri border into Kansas City. Amazingly, Emily drove every inch of the way, including several stretches without the coffee IV in her arm. Along the way, we listened back to all the free music we'd obtained-- and here's what we discovered...

To me, at least, these were the five best acts and/or shows we stood through during Austin's South By Southwest 2009 Music Conference.

Richard Swift - we had just arrived at the Bust Party when this up-and-coming crooner/rocker took the stage at the Mohawk. We all planned to hit the bar and clean them out of Lone Star and/or Shiner Bock when Swift kicked into high gear. (Watch a song from his performance here.) Speaking for myself, I forgot my original first priority and the fact that Bishop Allen were playing next and just stood on the balcony, transfixed by the funky, sweet, and tightly-wound opening performance.

Harlem Shakes - We were at Maggie Mae's, thinking We Were Promised Jetpacks were playing. As the Jetpacks hit the stage, our first thought was, "Man, I think I had them confused with another band-- they're rockin', but something's different. A new lead singer?" It turned out, I had misread the Maggie Mae's poster and I was actually seeing Harlem Shakes, which I only realized after standing through the entire set, knowing I was seeing a true breakthrough performance. I'm glad I did.

M. Ward - Years ago, we saw M. Ward open for Cat Power at the Warsaw in Brooklyn. It was altogether-- and to this day-- the worst concert we've ever seen. Ward played a droning series of piano ballads and seemed lost. Chan came out later on and actually was lost-- wandering into a Jim Morrison-like abyss from which she finally emerged a few years later to become the great stage presence we heard through the hair in her face that night. So, it was with great reluctance that we attended BrooklynVegan's party headlined by Ward, lately of She & Him. Within seconds, we had realized two things: 1) Ward continues to distance himself from his audience and 2) the echo added to his vocals, the catchy new songs, and, most of all, the choice of acoustic guitar over piano made for a dramatic about-face from the 2003 (?) show in New York. Check out his latest record and the instantly catchy "For Beginners."

Ken Haddock - for most of the week, we enjoyed free lunches at Latitude 30's British Music Showcase. None of the performers we saw topped our first show-- that of a group of ragtag Belfast folkies hoping for their own little Once deals. Haddock was our favorite, and someone would be wise to cover his songs ASAP.

Thao with the Get Down Stay Down - I actually missed their show in the park, but Emily filled us in with some mp3s yesterday. The band, which isn't as (yet) popular as their tour mates Rilo Kiley, seem tighter and more focused than that other California band. Perhaps Thao isn't as distracted by solo projects as Jenny Lewis. Perhaps-- hate to say it-- their music is just better.

There were plenty of notable bands and memorable moments: our friends the Crystal Stilts... the surprise of seeing Dinosaur, Jr. for free at 1:30am at the Bust party... even saving Sylvain Sylvain's cell phone before he was to play with the New York Dolls. But those five artists mentioned above are the ones we came away with expecting we'll be bragging about for the next 12 months.

You should check out their music and do the same.

Suicide Girls Get Bromantic Tattoos @ SXSW

Hot Naked Chicks

While You Were Sleeping: Scanners in Austin

Scanner Emily's Suitor

Sloppy Seconds: What We Gave Up for Lent

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 23:33:00 GMT

I may have moved to the worst city—ever!—for dating, but at least it's the manliest based on "the number of U.S.-made cars driven in the city, number of sports bars and BBQ restaurants, number of home improvement and hardware stores as well as manly salty snacks consumption." [FatCity]

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer is one step closer to switching to an online-only publication. [Yahoo!]

Michelle Obama will be the first person other than Oprah herself to ever appear on the cover of O Magazine. [Us]

What's this about a giant blue wiener in "The Watchmen?" Now we're totally seeing it. [Rolling Stone]

Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle (Rufus) is a daddy. [People]

Believe it or not kids, Scanner Emily here, an athiest, gave up sex (or anything beyond kissing, hugging and a back rub if I can get it) for Lent. Some people are giving up texting. Both would probably be good for interpersonal relationships. What are you giving up, if anything? [Tech-Ex]

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

[Image]

Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Vampires are all the rage these days. With the popularity of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series, HBO's True Blood and the Sweedish vampire movie Let the Right One In, kids everywhere are appropriating vampire culture. No big deal, right? Well, it's no big deal unless you're a real vampire. And in that case, this fake vampire business is some bullshit.

Peter Rugg, from Kansas City's alt weekly, The Pitch, sat down with a few Midwestern vampires and learned that people who consider themselves real vampires actually drink blood (O negative "tastes like a dessert wine!"), that the consumption of blood is better when it's an erotic experience, and that these kids in their Hot Topic trench coats R DOIN IT RONG.

"A lot of people think they're vampires now," Sylvere says.

"I will say, though, reading those books True Blood is based on, they did their research," Lisa allows. "They even got the flavors of the blood types right."

"There are flavors?" I ask.

Lisa begins. "They got it right that the best one is ... "

"O negative!" they yell out in unison.

"Why is that good?"

"It's hard to describe," Lisa says. "It's sweet. It's like a dessert wine."

"How about AB positive?" I ask, curious if my own blood type — I'm the universal recipient — is any good. Lisa's smile freezes, and she rolls her head from side to side as if searching for a polite way to tell me that I'm unpalatable.

Sylvere scoffs. "Tastes great, less filling."

Most also describe the process in erotic terms. "It doesn't have to be sexual," Sylvere explains. "But it helps if it is, because then you're producing a lot more energy." Sylvere's needs are met more simply. She says she sups bits of energy here and there. For a truly satisfying feed, she requires that they be creative people willing to let her hover above them awhile. Writers and artists are good. Musicians are best....

Though they call themselves vampires, not all drink blood. They tell me that there are different classifications of people who genuinely believe they need more than food. The most common are psi-vampires, such as Sylvere, who say they drink in the energy from surrounding people and willing donors. Then there are the real blood drinkers, called sanguinarians. As they explain blood classifications to me, I wonder if their way of life would sound more acceptable if they presented it as a fetish rather than a health issue.

And just as there are people who are convinced they are vampires, there are people who are convinced, that they, like Buffy, are vampire slayers. This obviously creates some tension in the online vampire communities. While they use online threats in lieu of garlic and kung-fu, according to one Kansas City vampire, "Those people have problems. I don't even want to deal with that."

As for all those kids in their trench coats and plastic fangs? Lisa, a 21-year-old vampire is worried about them:

"I worry about them. They all have this romantic notion of what it's like. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't give it up for the world — it's who I am — but it's not all candlelit graveyard dances. If I don't feed, it doesn't kill me, but I feel constantly fatigued. Several times, I've slept for 12 hours without feeling rested. Not all of us are as nice as I am, and I worry that others could be taken advantage of — if not by one of our less reputable members, by a more human kind of predator using the persona to his advantage. Even excluding that, the number of blood-borne diseases is staggering. Would they think of having donors provide medical proof of health? Would they sanitize their knives? Would they remember that blood is precious? I don't know."

While we still don't crave anything beyond a bloody Mary, we are now more inclined to finally bust out the first season of Buffy The Vampire Slayer that a friend gave us. We know, we know. That's totally DOIN IT RONG.

[The Pitch: True True Blood]

Related:

True Blood's Anna Paquin In First (True) Nude Scene

Comic Book Buffy Gives Body, if Not Heart, to Fellow Slayer. LADY Slayer.

Accused Murderer Is Italy's Woman of the Year

Woman Misses Her Flight, Proceeds to Freak the F*ck Out

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:43:00 GMT

I've had my fair share of public freak outs in my life. In fact, days before I left New York for Kansas City I lost my shit in the middle of the Port Authority Bus Terminal after I missed by bus and couldn't find anyone to help me then couldn't find the ticket counter then signs led me to a dead end. Luckily, a nice police officer saw me crying and helped get me on the right bus. The point of all of this is that I thought I was acting crazy. But I have nothing—and I mean nothing—on this woman who freaked the fuck out in the middle of the Hong Kong International Airport after she missed her flight. This video has been pretty popular on the Internets for the past few days, but if you haven't yet watched it, please do. I honestly can't watch more than about 30 seconds of it, but that's all I need to feel validated.

Related:

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Top 10 Worst Places to Live in the U.S.

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, you can at least be thankful you don't live in one of these ten horrendous U.S. metropolitan areas.

Wait, you don't actually live in these places, dear readers, do you?

Strollerderby directed us to this Forbes list of the ten worst places to live in the rapidly-crumbling American continental empire. Aren't you glad you don't live in these cities? Seriously, none of you actually live here, right?

1. Stockton, CA. The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here.
2. Memphis, TN. Crime is what did this in, according to Strollerderby. In our experience, we'd have to agree. On our sole trip to Memphis, we saw lots of street arrests, including of a tourist who had to be tackled and maced repeatedly by a cop who was trying to eat lunch when the tourist attacked our friends.
3. Chicago, IL. Blago, you bastard.
4. Cleveland, Ohio. "Cleveland, city of light, city of magic," sang Randy Newman mockingly almost four decades ago. Things haven't improved since, apparently.
5. Modesto, California earns its place here by being "one of the top three most dangerous metropolitan areas in California." Why it's more dangeorus than other dangerous metropolitan areas in the U.S. is also beyond our understanding.
6. Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore could've told you twenty years ago this auto industry town was doomed.
7. Detroit, Michigan. Ditto Detroit.
8. Buffalo, N.Y. Buffalo is the new badlands. If you don't believe us, try spending two hours in a bar there without arming yourself to the teeth.
9. Miami, Florida. Miami is about to be the first major U.S. city to completely collapse due to the mortgaging crisis. Hey, we didn't say it-- Forbes did.
10. St. Louis, Missouri. Hey Scanner Emily, at least it wasn't Kansas City.

Via Strollerderby.

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We're Just Not That Into... The Outdoor Lovemap

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 20:28:00 GMT

The Outdoor Lovemap is the "international guide to places to make love outdoors." Unfortunately, "international" does not equal "ultimate." While it's a good idea in theory, it's a little, uh, sparse. When we typed in our zip code, the closest result was the St. Louis Zoo, which is, like, 250 miles away. But we can think of plenty of beautiful outdoor spaces within walking distance where we could make sexy time. We'll stick with the map that at least helps us find someone to hook up with and take care of finding a place to do it on our own.

Related:

What's (Er Who's) Going Down In Your Hood?

Teenage Sexual Awakening Via Google Maps and Polaroids

Look Both Ways Before Walking The Streets, 'Cause Google Maps Might Be Watching

Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. One of my conditions for moving back to Kansas City was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (others involved not getting knocked up or becoming addicted to meth). To make sure that didn't happen, I signed up for Boot Camp—three very early mornings a week I work out very hard while a very small woman yells very loudly. She also plays music, generally a mix of 80's, 90's and a bunch of super-contemporary stuff I've never heard. But imagine my excitement when this song came on today—while I was working out!

No one else in the class could understand why I worked out a lot harder while this played.

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Hey Fellas: Let Me See That Trowel Roll!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Why Didn't We Think of That?: The Sex and Violence Shop

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:49:00 GMT

Kansas Citians may be shy about sex, but anyone who's ever watched an episode of C.O.P.S. can tell you we have no shame when it comes to violence. (Remember the guy who bludgeoned a rare seagull while vacationing in California?) Now the geniuses at K.C.'s Erotic City have found a way to lure unsuspecting locals into their oh-so-scandalous sex shop.

The store has started selling weapons!

A rogue reporter for the local alt-weekly recently paid a visit to Erotic City:

"It turns out the rumors are true. Immediately upon entering the shop, there's a glass case full of swords, hunting knives, nunchucks (we think), and what looks like a scythe with a really short handle. Damn. There's also a rifle that fires far less deadly little plastic pellets. This is all separate from the dildos and rubber vaginas."

It's also separate from the fake pee.

Classy!

[Plog: Erotic City sells silent death]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Woman Attacked With Ghetto-Ass Dildo

Sloppy Seconds: Ted Haggard Speaks

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

President Barack Obama (we love typing that!) overturned the Global Gag Rule today. [NYT]

We're not ones to let a little salmonella come between us and peanut butter, so we ate our peanut butter sandwich Girl Scout cookies before we even knew they were safe. [The Republican]

Also, we spent too much time on Craigslist today, but we found these gems:

This Kansas City gent wants a skinny girl, the kind other girls hate because she's so skinny. But only if "U R asked by other people if you have an eating disorder." [Craigslist Kansas City]

If a guy wants to lick you 'everywher' does it really matter if he can't spell? [Craigslist Corpus Christi]

Oh, and Facebook is probably ruining your relationship, whether you know it or not, so you might as well go on TV to talk about it. [Craigslist Austin]

We haven't heard anything from Ted Haggard since his gay sex/crystal Meth scandal. That's because the severance package from his church prevented him from talking. But in the HBO documentary, The Trials of Ted Haggard, he finally does. [VSL]

We Finally Found a Beard We Simply Cannot Endorse

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

Did you ever think that we'd meet a beard we didn't love? Well, kids. Today we did.

We understand there are spiritual issues behind the length of this beard and by all means if you think God wants you to grow a beard, who are we to argue? But we just can't, er don't want to, imagine getting our feet all tangled up in this thing during sex:

via videosift.com

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

I Hate Myself for Loving You: "Men in Trees"

Scanner Roundtable: What Are You Doing to Celebrate?

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:01:00 GMT

So today is pretty much the biggest day in all our lives (except for falling in love and having babies and all of those other things other people do). What are you doing to commemorate it?

Over the weekend, Scanner Sister and I went to an "Inaugural Ball" at a local bar and grill. And tonight I'm having people over for a Ball/Potluck. Everyone has to wear either formal attire or dress like an iconic American. I'm DVR'ing CNN and CSPAN all day so we can watch everything all over again tonight. I even got a fancy Nancy Reagan-like vintage gown to wear. I might wear with cowboy boots.

How will you celebrate?

(And are you staying home all day to catch all the festivities on CNN/CSPAN?)

Sloppy Seconds: Kelis to Serve Up a Different Kind of Milkshake

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:22:00 GMT

Yesterday, two birds took down a Kansas City man's ice cream. Today, an entire plane full of people, right into the Hudson River. [BBC]

A 19-year-old Wisconsin woman is facing charges after she got drunk and ran pantsless through an IHOP. Good thing there were never cops around all the times we ran half naked through fast food chains. [The Smoking Gun]

A man in Atlantic City is facing charges after he posed as a female veterinarian and doing all the things veterinarians do, except, we hope, fixing cats and dogs and other furries. [Press of Atlantic City]

And dumbass Johnny Knoxville is facing charges for allegedly taking a grenade into LAX. WTF, Johnny? [Yahoo!]

How excited are we for the "Gossip Girl" spin-off that will tell the story of Lily and Rufus? Very. Very excited. Srsly. XOXO. [Us]

Rappers Kelis and Nas are reportedly expexcting their first child. [MTV]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Bearded Men of the Week: Unshaven Bartenders in New York

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 23:57:00 GMT

Last month, a slew of New York City bartenders decided to grow out their beards, just for the hell of it. Well, that and to make us rethink our rule against dating bartenders. And our decision to leave to leave New York.

Glorious hairy pictures after the jump...

[Time Out New York: Bear market indeed: Unshaven bartenders face off]

Related:

Bearded Man of the Week: There Could Only Be One

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Bearded Man of the Week: Prince William

Bearded Man of the Week: Joaquin Phoenix

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Kansas Citians like to eat. Case in point:

A Kansas City man and his wife were enjoying some ice cream during their Laguna Beach vacation, when, according to the man, two gulls attacked the couple by knocking their ice cream to the ground and then peck, peck, peck, peck, pecking at the man. He said he had no choice but to defend himself against the birds by picking up a stick and beating the fucking life out of them. Well, one of them. The other bird flew off into the sea and hasn't been found. (Read: it flew into the sea to die).

While the loss of any life is, of course, sad, they're just seagulls, right? Right? Nope. Those weren't just any birds the man bludgeoned.

They were, apparently, of a rare breed and now the man, Dragan Djuric, is facing animal cruelty charges.

"That's right," said a Laguna Beach police officer. "He was very upset about spending money for ice cream he didn't get to consume."

Kansas City! Fuck yeah!

In the man's defense, the local Audubon Society said the gulls were a very aggressive breed.

Watch this local reporter re-enact the entire thing while holding onto the weapon, which is still sporting the evidence tag.

[CBS2 via Plog]

Related:

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

[Image]

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:07:00 GMT

Of course I did. Of course I did. Of course I did. While you check out the list (after the jump) to find out where your city ranks, I'm going to head over to Petfinder.com to see about getting a few more cats.

Worst Cities for Dating

   1. Kansas City, MO
   2. Wichita, KS
   3. Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN
   4. Detroit, MI
   5. Louisville, KY
   6. Greensboro/Winston-Salem, NC
   7. Atlanta, GA
   8. Pittsburgh, PA
   9. Houston, TX
10. Charlotte, NC

Best Cities for Dating

   1. Austin, TX
   2. Colorado Springs, CO
   3. San Diego, CA
   4. Raleigh/Durham, NC
   5. Seattle, WA
   6. Charleston, SC
   7. Norfolk, VA
   8. Ann Arbor, MI
   9. Springfield, MA
10. Honolulu, HI

A glimmer of hope: It should be noted, and noted yet again, that this study was conducted in conjunction with AXE Body Spray (from the Methodology: "AXE, known coast-to-coast for their dating game expertise...").

Again, if you know any nice bearded men, please send them to Scanner Emily c/o Kansas City, MO.

[Via Plog]

Related:

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[Image]

So, exactly how much Visine would it take to kill one's husband?

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:59:00 GMT

Who ever said there's nothing happening in Missouri?

A woman just a couple hundred miles south of Scanner HQ is sitting in the big house after trying to kill her husband... with Visine!

Tonia Peterson is accused of trying to kill her husband, Cecil Peterson, by spiking his tea with Visine eye drops.

The article leaves many unanswered questions. We'll call Scanner Dad, who also lives in Southwestern Missouri, to see if he maybe knows the guy.

We just wish Tonia was using Clear Eyes so we could have run a picture of Ben Stein.

Related:

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Barack Obama Loves His Wife

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Video of the Day: John McCain Said it First

Moms Scaring Us By Taking Fake Babies Out For Walks, Meals

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:13:00 GMT

ABC 7 News in Washington, DC has the explosive story: crazed, desperate, disturbed kooky women of a certain age are buying overpriced dolls that burp and sleep and look cute in pink booties and taking the babes around town, pretending they're real...

And it gets better.

Many people like to stop and play with newborn babies, but now some adult women are playing house with fake babies.

Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

Forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own. Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns -- dolls made to look and feel like the real thing.
"It's not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that's going to hurt you. It's like a hobby.and it doesn't really hurt anybody," Linda said.

We'll take odds that your husband is thrilled you've found a hobby and that you've chosen this gem.We have to wonder what Linda says when the waiter asks why the baby hasn't moved in thirty-five minutes or tries to touch its little fingers: "Oh, actually, it's not real. I just carry it around because..." Because?

These women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars.

A few thousand dollars?! For a doll. You could always, you know, adopt a starving orphan or something insane like that...

In her Kansas City home, Moore even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.

Psychologists say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

That last line will sustain as the understatement of 2009, mark our words. By the way, Scanner Emily, did you catch that? Lock your doors and load up your AR-15 assault rifle...

Via ABC.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2008

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:22:00 GMT

So this is 2009. So far, so good. We're going to use the next few days to accidentally write "2008" on everything and take a look back at the year that was. You can expect the top 10 Scanner posts of 2008 on Monday. But first, as promised, Scanner Emily's top 10 lessons learned in 2008, including—unfortunately—a repeat from last year. Seriously, how many times must we humiliate ourselves online before learning that drinking and Facebook do not mix?

10. Even when you think you're eating sort-of maybe healthily, you're not, you fat fuck.

9. Everyone has daddy issues, okay?

8. Always, always, always back-up what's on your computer (not that we've actually gotten around to it yet).

7. You can always go home.

6. Don't fool yourself into thinking the only way to get The Herp at summer camp is by making out with a hot co-counselor in the art barn. It is not. (And If you have to make jokes about being the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world, you just might be.)

5. It is possible to attend the costume party of your dreams and actually have a blast. If you have not yet experienced this, keep the dream alive and don't throw away those ruffly bloomers you've been holding on to for just such an occasion.

4. Whiskey will not make you a better roller skater. Well, it won't make you better at stopping, anyway.

3. Yellow tights are super unflattering and will get you weird looks even in the Bellevue emergency room.

2. Never, ever try to use The Facebook on your phoneputer while totally shit-faced drunk. (Yes, we thought we learned this one in 2007.)

1. If your ex-boyfriend asks if he can write an article about you for the local alternative weekly, say no.

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Scanner Emily's Burlesque Fantasy Comes True, Sort Of

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

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[Image]

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

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Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

[Image]

Video of the Day: New York Brings Kermit, Us Down

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 20:54:00 GMT

We're probably posting this more for ourselves than you. But, really, who can resist the magical combination that is Kermit the Frog and a sad, sad song? We sure as hell can't pass up Kermit lip syncing to LCD Sound System's "New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down," especially since we already have one foot across the state line.

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

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[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Because We Have Nothing Better To Do on a Friday Night

Emily Farris — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 03:42:00 GMT

Yet again, we find ourselves grateful that the worst thing our mom ever did to us was show her boobs at our book party. Twice.

Highs:

We watched some sexy movies.

And discovered the greatest. move. ever.

We know what we're most thankful for this year. Mmmhmm.

We crushed a little on Borat's brother.

Could Barack and Michelle Obama be any fucking cuter? Ugh, probably.

OMG! Ashley Alexandra Dupre finally talked!

So did Pete Wentz. About those penis pictures.

We absolutely agreed with GQ's choice of Man of the Year.

Lows:

Yet again, we found ourselves grateful that our mom only showed her boobs (albeit twice) at our book party.

We got a glimpse of what life will be like in our new city.

If it wasn't Kansas City, it was going to be in Oregon.

We have officially reached the point where we'd rather eat (or fuck) a taco than fuck an actual man.

Apparently, girls really do have cooties.

Miley Cyrus. Just her. In general.

We continue to wonder why our cushion hasn't gotten us more pushin'.

We contested People's choice of sexiest man alive.