Scanner : kansascityisinmissouri.com

We Will F*ck You Up at the Air Sex World Championships

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:03:00 GMT

Get your best o-face ready because the Air Sex World Championships are coming to a city near you.

"What is air sex?" you may be wondering. Well, we're sure you've heard of air guitar. Just take away the non-existent guitar and replace it with a non-existent partner and you have air sex.

"[Contestants] pick a song to perform to and then have two minutes to impress the judges with their overall Airness," said Tim League, founder of the Alamo Drafthouse and the Air Sex World Championship. "With their clothes on, typically.

Typically, eh?

Air Sex World Championships tour dates after the jump.

    * Sat 06/06 Austin, TX
    * Tue 06/09 Atlanta, GA
    * Wed 06/10 Washington, DC
    * Fri 06/12 New York, NY
    * Sat 06/13 Toronto, ONT
    * Sun 06/14 Chicago, IL
    * Mon 06/15 Kansas City, MO
    * Wed 06/17 Salt Lake City, UT
    * Fri 06/19 Seattle, WA
    * Sat 06/20 Portland, OR
    * Sun 06/21 Vancouver, BC
    * Wed 06/24 San Francisco, CA
    * Thu 06/25 San Diego, CA
    * Fri 06/26 Los Angeles, CA
    * Sat 06/27/09 Tucson, AZ

What luck that it's happening so close to Scanner HQ on June 15? Just a hop, skip and a jump away from Scanner Emily's apartment at Kansas City's Record Bar. And Being pros at dry humping and having heard the nickname "PT" on the high school dance team (PT standing for pelvic thrust) we're pretty sure we could take home the title of Air Sex Champion. Unfortunately (this is the only time we'll ever say this) we're really sad we have tickets to see Jenny Lewis that night.

[Air Sex World Championships via The Plog]

Hey... Wanna Make Out? With A Thousand People?

I Still Want to Hump Your Leg

Kansas City Scanners: Join Me for Some Friday Facial Hair Fun

Emily Farris — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 18:34:00 GMT

When my friend forwarded me an invitation to a mustache competition tonight, I wrote back, "This is the event I've been waiting for my entire Kansas City life. Okay, really it would be a beard competition, but this is me settling." That might be a little true, but since it's for a good cause, and I don't have any better facial hair going on, I'm heading to the Ozanam Guild's First Annual Mustache Competition tonight.

The Ozanam Guild is a group of young professionals who raise money for Ozanam, a home and school in Kansas City for kids with emotional, behavioral and learning disorders. Your $15 gets you food, drink and all of the Midwestern mustaches your little heart desires (as long as I don't decide I want them first). If you're wearing a mustache, you can get in for $10, and if you, like me, can't grow one, they'll have some at the door. Prizes are promised for the winners of three categories: Best natural mustache, best fake mustache, and best female mustache.

It happens tonight from 6-8 p.m. at the Czar Bar at 1531 Grand. I'll be the redhead with the drool running down my chin (especially since the cute boys in the video I posted above are supposed to be there).

[Ozanam Guild]

Who Are You and What Have You Done With Robert Downey, Jr?

Does that Womb Broom Belong to a Porn Star or a Politician?

Bearded Man of the Week: Zach Galifianakis

Bearded Woman of the Week: Erin Dollar

Missouri Legislators Try to Create the Crime of "Coercing an Abortion"

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:37:00 GMT

I don't quite understand what's up with Missouri lately. Last year, we elected a Democratic governor while somehow still going for McCain in the presidential election. Here in Kansas City we're trying to recall our mayor and now legislators in my home state want to make sure that women are never coerced into abortion—because if a woman could choose such a terrible thing, she must have been coerced, right? And if you are guilty of coercing a woman into abortion, you could receive felony conviction. Yes, a new bill being passed through the legislature creates the vague crime of "coercing an abortion."

[I]f a woman has experienced threats of having a scholarship for higher education at a public or private institution revoked because she is pregnant; threats of employment discrimination or termination if she continues her pregnancy; stalking, assault or domestic assault. Many of the people with whom I discussed HCS HB 46 & 434 were initially supportive until they looked beneath the surface. The bill would make physicians and anyone assisting them criminals for helping women obtain an abortion "with knowledge" that the woman has been "coerced" and would prohibit the woman from consenting to an abortion as the "victim of a coerced abortion."

Here's an example of this proposed law in action.

Consider a woman who is pregnant as the result of rape who, with her doctor, decides that an abortion is the best course of action. Imagine that rape survivor also mentions to her doctor that her boyfriend agrees with her decision, but has been aggressive with her about it. With HB46, now the doctor must turn the situation over to the government which mandates that the doctor label that rape survivor a "victim of coerced abortion" who "lacks the consent required by law."

Wait, what? Next thing you know, women will be sent to jail for coercing themselves into having abortions. But if they can't manage send us to jail, at least they can go to sleep knowing we're going straight to hell.

[RH Reality Check via Jezebel]

Related:

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Botulism, Abortion, And A Woman's Right To Choose

[Image]

When You Care Enough to Give Your Dog $1,300 Fake Testicles (During a Recession)

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 21:17:00 GMT

“You would assume that with people losing their homes and jobs, the last thing on their mind is buying a pair of fake testicles for their pets."

You can say that again, Gregg Miller.

Miller is the founder of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles, a Kansas City, MO-based company that manufactures testicular implants for your four-legged friends. And by four legged friends, we mean dogs, cats, bulls, really "any pet that is neutered."

Um, why? To make your pet feel like a male again, of course. Or continue to feel like a male. According to the ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles website, the prosthetic balls should be implanted when the real ones are taken out, but in most cases, can be put in years later. You know, if your dog lost that special something since you took away his manhood.

Funny, right? Well, apparently more than 250,000 pets around the world are carrying around a set, and according to Miller, sales of ~~Neuticals~~ Neuticles have been steady since the recession began. “Folks in California love their pets and are trendsetters," Miller said. "They’d do anything for them, no matter what the economy is doing.”

Oh, Southern California. Riiight.

[Bloomberg via Jossip]

Related:

There's A New Testicle Eating Champion...

**While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured**

Beware Of Blowfish Balls

Rubber Junk -- THAT Kind of Junk -- Under Attack in Virginia

[Image]

Life Imitates Art, Minus the Thong

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:15:00 GMT

Scanner Emily here. One of my conditions for moving back to Kansas City was that I would not become a fat Midwesterner (others involved not getting knocked up or becoming addicted to meth). To make sure that didn't happen, I signed up for Boot Camp—three very early mornings a week I work out very hard while a very small woman yells very loudly. She also plays music, generally a mix of 80's, 90's and a bunch of super-contemporary stuff I've never heard. But imagine my excitement when this song came on today—while I was working out!

No one else in the class could understand why I worked out a lot harder while this played.

Related:

Video of the Day: sexyATTACK

Having a Healthy Vagina Does Not Involve Exercise

Fatties: Get Up, Get Out So You Can Still Get it Up

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Hey Fellas: Let Me See That Trowel Roll!

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Why Didn't We Think of That?: The Sex and Violence Shop

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 19:49:00 GMT

Kansas Citians may be shy about sex, but anyone who's ever watched an episode of C.O.P.S. can tell you we have no shame when it comes to violence. (Remember the guy who bludgeoned a rare seagull while vacationing in California?) Now the geniuses at K.C.'s Erotic City have found a way to lure unsuspecting locals into their oh-so-scandalous sex shop.

The store has started selling weapons!

A rogue reporter for the local alt-weekly recently paid a visit to Erotic City:

"It turns out the rumors are true. Immediately upon entering the shop, there's a glass case full of swords, hunting knives, nunchucks (we think), and what looks like a scythe with a really short handle. Damn. There's also a rifle that fires far less deadly little plastic pellets. This is all separate from the dildos and rubber vaginas."

It's also separate from the fake pee.

Classy!

[Plog: Erotic City sells silent death]

Related:

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

Woman Attacked With Ghetto-Ass Dildo

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 23:55:00 GMT

After multiple anxiety attacks, two attempts at selling my shit on the street (hey, I made $273!) and lots of heavy drinking that led to a few teary goodbyes, the time has come for me to make the move to Kansas City. So I'll be offline for the next few business days.

I still have to pack up my massive vintage Pyrex collection and get the swing out of the closet before my dad flies up on Friday. After what I predict will be an ill-fated trip to IKEA we're going to pack up the truck and ride off into the sunset, er snowstorm, early Saturday. Considering Dave gets grumpy easily and has a soft spot for (and not-so-soft belly because of ) road-side food and Rolling Rock, we'll probably make it a three-day trip—keeping me offline until Tuesday.

I've enlisted Scanner Nicole to blog a little while I'm away, and as always, you will be blessed with the blog stylings of Brian, Colleen, Matt and Verena. Be nice to them. Or I will cut you.

I'll be back Tuesday, beginning my official tenure as The Scanner Blogger from Kasnas City. I'll try not to get knocked-up or addicted to meth by then.

Related:

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

[Image]

Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:19:00 GMT

The mayor of our former and future hometown of Kansas City, MO filed a lawsuit against the city after the City Council banished his wife from City Hall.

Mayor Mark Funkhouser (yes, his campaign ads included "We Want the Funk") says he works better with his wife by his side. And since she's been banned from City Hall, several days a week Funkhouser works from his three-bedroom house.

Is this a tale of true love or creepy codependency?

After Gloria Squitiro successfully ran her husband's mayoral campaign she took a desk nearest his office at City Hall. But after a former mayoral assistant filed a lawsuit that accused Ms. Squitiro, Mayor Funkhouser and the city of creating a "hostile work environment" the City Council passed an ordinance stipulating that elected officials could no longer have relatives working as volunteers in their offices on a regular basis, according to the Wall Street Journal.

"It is bizarre, in a word, for the mayor to sue his own city," says Ed Ford, a member of the city council. "He seems to be saying there's one overriding issue that I care about more than anything else, and that is my ability to spend time with my wife at City Hall."

"It's a classic love story," says Garry Cushinberry, a bank vice president who sat at the mayor's table at an awards dinner Nov. 14. "He's risking his political career for the woman he loves. You have to respect that."

While Funkhouser and his wife have made more than a few rookie mistakes, politically (and this seems to be one of them) we can't help but focus on "a Christmas letter the couple mailed last year to about 100 friends in which Ms. Squitiro described her husband's prostate exam, which she sat in on, at his doctor's office. The letter, excerpted on the Internet, got national publicity."

[WSJ: Kansas City Gives Mayor's Helpmate the Heave-Ho From City Hall]

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Justin Timberlake Moves to NYC, We Leave

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:21:00 GMT

Justin Timberlake is moving to New York City. We're moving out. Not because we don't want to be neighbors with JTimb, but because, well, after eight-and-a-half years, we've had enough. At least for a while.

Case in point: Timberlake just paid $5.25 million for a downtown condo. We just got a 3-bedroom apartment in downtown Kansas City for $750 month. It has a porch and a claw-foot tub and a butler's pantry and a fire place and China cabinets built into the dining room. But the fact that our bed will no longer be our office is not the only reason we're going.

If you'll allow us to switch to the ever-so-personal, "I" and over share for a bit...

The time has come for me to say goodbye to the city I've called home for eight years. I spent the entire Bush administration in New York, and guess what? Now that Barack Obama has been elected President, I'm no longer afraid of the Midwest. Plus, I went home to do promotion for the book and fell in love. I've grown a lot in eight years, and so has Kansas City. I saw buses with bike racks!

When I left at 18, I was fleeing my Meth-ridden hometown of Independence (a suburb of KC) and a foreseeable future as a knocked up bank teller with dark roots and sweat pants. I can safely say I've evaded that path in life and I'm now free to live out my fantasy of residing in an amazing apartment in the urban center of a not so urban place (a place that's constantly changing, for the better).

I'll be using all of my new space to continue my freelance writing career (and my job at Scanner!), and I feel like having more mental and physical space will really open me up to write the things I've wanted to write for a long time.

This is not to say I'm not scared to death. I'm scared of falling off the face of the Earth, and I'm just plain scared to leave. New York sucked me in and promised to never let me go. And that freaked me out; I'm not ready for the lifetime commitment. I certainly don't want to be that lady on the subway (those of you who live in the city know who I'm talking about).

Lucky for me, as Gawker so famously pointed out last year, Kansas City is the new Greenpoint—which is where I currently reside. I will find out if this is true and report back. Who knows? Maybe I'll hate it there and return to the original Greenpoint. But I'm going to give it a year. And I secretly hope I'm starting the movement to New York. Go West, young New Yorkers!

Related:

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

Crush of the Week: Jim Vokac

Woman Takes Two Year Dump, Doesn't Get Dumped

Video of the Day: Star Wars Trumpet Solo

Scanner Emily Sends a Little Love to Her American Idol Homie

What Celebrities Would Look Like if They Moved to Missouri

[Image]

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 16:30:00 GMT

Yep, we're blogging from the Cowtown in the Show Me State; we're home to surprise our mom for her 55th birthday—don't tell! You knew the Cowtown was in the Show Me State, right? If so, you're part of the minority. According to the folks at kansascityisinmissouri.com an astonishing 94.3% of Americans believe that Kansas City is in Kansas. And while they're technically correct—there is a Kansas City in Kansas, it's the one you always see on COPS—those of us from the Kansas City in Missouri have put up with being called "from Kansas" our entire lives. Though there's not really anything wrong with being from Kansas, we're not. So, thank you, kansascityisinmissouri.com for setting the record straight.

After the jump, Missouri vs. Kansas FAQ and Miss South Carolina explains U.S. America's lack of maps in South Africa and The Iraq.

Question: Isn't there also a Kansas City, Kansas?

Answer: Ha! Oh, poor uneducated e-mail writer. This is a common urban legend. But no, there is no Kansas City, Kansas. Stop being silly.

Question: Are there any simple clues to help me know if I'm in Kansas rather than Missouri?

Answer: Absolutely! Here is a simple test you can perform to find out what state you are in. Ask a friendly citizen about their thoughts on evolution. If you are met with hostility and bible verses, chances are you're in Kansas.

Question: Do you think this is funny? You're a dick.

Answer: Thanks for writing! It is true that Missouri boasts vast quantities of naturally occurring limestone and is rated 6th in the nation for hog production.

[kansascityisinmissouri.com]