Scanner : katie holmes

PapSmeared: Somebody Should Tell Suri Cruise That Flip-Flops Aren't Part of the Scientology Detox Diet

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:44:00 GMT

But damn, she still makes us want to have babies. Like, right now.

While You Were Sleeping: Ashton Kutcher Needs To Shaddup

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

London is never going to get rid of MJ-- the King of Pop That Was Almost Good Twenty Years Ago added 17 new shows.

All this iPhone app silliness shows that Apple is just as lame as any other company when it comes to letting their customers have freedom of speech.

Iron Man 2 will either be the best or the worst sequel in film history-- there can no longer be any in between. Yesterday, sources confirmed that Mickey Rourke and now Scarlett Johansson have signed on.

It's too bad we don't have Fidel Castro around to seize this bastard's assets.

Bad news, New York City. You might be getting a weiner for mayor.

This moron-- or is it genius?-- thinks a ringtone may psychologically cause a woman's breasts to grow... or something.

It's just part of Scientology's plan to use Katie Holmes in their brainwashing schemes: Mrs. Tom Cruise is launching her own clothing line for impressionable girls.

Ashton Kutcher said "fag," "gay," and the "N-word" in a single Twitter post and, obviously, came off like a complete moron.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Spitzer Scandal Never Dies

Fun With Wikipedia: Mammary Intercourse

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Michael Jackson Announces "Final Curtain Call" Before His Face Implodes

PapSmeared: Katie Holmes's Crazy Scientology Detox Causes... Rapid Growth of Shiny, Lustrous Hair (And Possibly Causes Your Husband to No Longer Find You Attractive in that Masculine Sort of Way)?

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:09:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Adopt George Clooney

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:23:00 GMT

Let's just start the rumors here: Katie Holmes is not pregnant.

Singapore was stunned to experience the sight of an entirely-nude couple walking through the city for fifteen minutes. In New York, this wouldn't even get reported on Fox, but in a conservative place like Singapore...

In Sweden, if you're a teacher and don't like what a bunch of young ladies are saying about you on their blog, you can file a complaint against them. Boo hoo.

The great filmmaker Tom DiCillo is doing a documentary on The Doors that appears to have some incredible lost footage of the band.

It's the classic case of teach the kids to shoplift, take them shoplifting, leave the kids at the scene of the shoplifting. We've seen it all before.

We understand that there was discrimination involved, but why would anyone want to work at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone bikini bar anyway?

George Clooney, who will appear on the final episode of ER, would like you to adopt him.

And our headline of the day: "Pub Line bus service could become mobile bar for Fairbanks patrons."

Today In Headlines We Weren't Expecting

Scanner Roundtable: If Gay Marriage Is Legal, What About Polygamy?

This Week In Gayness: Two Major Male Movie Stars Make Out

Why Are Playmobil Playsets So Damned Crazy?

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye Will Pose Nude (Don't Worry, He'll Keep His Sunglasses On)

Emily Farris — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 23:01:00 GMT

Earlier this week Patrick Swayze was telling us he had two to five years to live. Today he was hospitalized for pneumonia. [Yahoo!]

Tom Cruise's Golden Globes date? Katie Holmes' dad. Weird. [Us]

Uh! You guys! This is so not fair! The media is being way nicer to Caroline Kennedy than it was to Sarah Palin. (Don't take it personally Sarah, it's just that everyone in media has been laid off, that's all.) [DailyIntel]

Nerve alum Will Doig rounds up the year in sex. [The Daily Beast]

Ummmmmmmmm.... [People]

"I definitely feel like, in the next however many years, if I work out for two months, that I'll pose naked. I'll break every rule and mentality of hip-hop, of black culture, of American culture," Kanye West told Vibe. We can't say we're not looking forward to that. [MTV]

Everybody Stay Calm and Think Positive Thoughts

Kanye West On SNL: Can't Sing, Won't Sing

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Keep Yer Areolae Off My Facebook, Mmmkay?

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:51:00 GMT

While trying to find out if the double homicide I think I heard happen early yesterday morning really happened, I found out that Al Capone's home is for sale in Chicago for a mere $450,000. Still no word on the homicide. [Crime Scene KC]

Suri Cruise may very well be the cutest baby I've seen, like, ever, but I cannot get behind Tom and Katie going for nine more. I imagine Katie's vagina agrees. [Us]

I'd like to think I'm not the only woman out there who would bed Woody Harrelson. In fact, I know I'm not. He just got married. [People]

Madonna donated $2.6 million dollars to the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles. She should have also paid a photographer not to take this close-up of her (not that I wouldn't mind looking like that at her age). [FadedYouth]

The folks at Facebook are apparently not fans of The Teet. Last year, the site's administrators took down photos of breastfeeding mothers because they featured "exposed breasts" which apparently violated the Terms of Use. A spokesman for Facebook says that only pictures where a nipple is fully exposed are problems, but some hip Facebook moms staged not only a virtual protest, they got out from behind their computers and suckling babes and demonstrated outside of Facebook's offices in California. [Jezebel]

Related:

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

What Your Areolas Say About You

"Could you make sure that her areolas aren't showing?"

Racist or Not? Totally Racist Dress Code

[Image]

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 17:19:00 GMT

Hey, you guys! Guess what? Exactly one year ago today, I made my first post on Scanner.

You didn't think I'd make it this long, did you? Honestly, neither did I.

Some of you were, and have continued to be, total assholes to me. But, for the most part, I've really enjoyed this last year. You were there for me through my Scrabulous addiction, you kept me entertained when I broke my wrist, and welcomed me back with open arms after I returned from my Wet, Hot American Summer 13 pounds heavier.

Plus, as long as you keep reading Scanner I will continue to get paid for working in my underwear. We all win.

I know you'd like to get me a gift to celebrate this momentous occasion, and what better gift can you give than buying my book? Someday I might actually make royalties off that thing, and then I'll have you, my loyal Scanner readers, to thank. If you'd like a signed copy for the holidays (and who wouldn't?) buy it here and I'll sign it before she ships it. Promise.

Stay tuned for Scanner Emily's Top 10 Scanner Moments of 2008 and a sequel to my Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007.

Love,

Scanner Emily

P.S. I still haven't told my dad who I write for.

P.P.S. Now I'll give you something. Two of my favorite songs by one of my favorite songstresses, Jenny Lewis.

Related:

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

But What Will I Tell My Dad?

Scanner Bryan and Scanner Emily Meet in the Real World, Take Bad Camera Phone Pictures

Happy Creepy Anniversary, TomKat

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Our parents' marriage, which was supposedly based on love and produced two (if we do say so ourselves) amazing children, may not have lasted more than a couple years, but Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's marriage is still going strong after two long, creepy years.

The couple of Scientologists celebrated by sending Tom to the press screaming "And they said it wouldn't last. I guess we proved them wrong!" Proving to the world that TomKat can, in fact, keep up their ends of a contract.

According to tradition, Tom is supposed to give Katie cotton or China this year. Maybe some Xenu bedsheets and matching pillowcases for Katie to bury her tears in?

[dListed:Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie Have Been "Married" For 2 Years]

Related:

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

Caption This: Tomkat in Pantsuit

Emily Farris — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:25:00 GMT

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: How Sarah Palin Brought a Litte Heaven Into Our Lives

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 21:33:00 GMT

Do we sound like your mother when we say that Kirsten Dunst looks so much cuter without a cigarette attached to her face? [Faded Youth]

Clay Aiken addressed his seemingly homophobic Claymates—he's the same old Gay Aiken he's always been. [MollyGood]

We want to eat Suri Cruise. Really. She's so fucking cute. [INF]

Remember when we said chastity belts were bad? Paris Hilton wants kids. Now. [People]

We're not the only ones watching Saturday Night Live just to see what Sarah Palin skit Tina Fey will do next. [Yahoo!]

In case you missed it, here's a clip from Saturday Night Live. Is this our reward in Heaven? [NBC]

While You Were Sleeping: Will Ferrell Answers Your Questions

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 13:53:00 GMT

The investigation into who hacked Sarah Palin's e-mail is focusing around the 20-year-old son of a Memphis Democratic State Representative.

Joe Biden is a friend of the gays.

What's the verdict on Kate Holmes on Broadway?

If Holmes felt nervous and jittery, she didn't show it. She delivered her lines with confidence and projected her girlish voice so it could be heard loud and clear. She danced around on stage with gusto. She looked lovely in two dresses that highlighted her trim yet shapely figure. She wore a brown shoulder-length hairpiece to hide her trendy pixie cut.

After the show, Cruise told a reporter Holmes was "extraordinary."

David Blaine is set to hang upside down for 60 hours in Central Park, starting on Monday.

Kathy Griffin may follow Project Runway and flee Bravo for another network.

Megan Fox thinks Zac and Vanessa's nude snaps are no biggie.

And Will Ferrell answers your questions on Funny or Die:

Developing: Will Ferrell For President

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

Did Keith and Nicole Name Their Baby Sunday to Spite Tom Cruise?

Katie and Tom Share a Child, a Religion and a Hairstylist

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:21:00 GMT

At least she looks happy...

[Image]

Related:

Katie Holmes' Vocabulary Limited to 3 Words: Lovely, Magical, Beautiful

Tom Cruise Likes Katie Holmes in a Suit..Oh, Right, and "a Mini"

Scarlett Johansson Channels Wifewoman at The Met's Costume Institute Gala

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

While You Were Sleeping: McCain Checked Palin Out Again

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 14:04:00 GMT

Ryan O'Neal and his son are trying to show Tatum how it's done: they were just arrested for possession of meth. Redmond, the son, was on probation for another drug-related arrest.

Gary Coleman was charged with reckless driving in the most bizarre celebrity accident we've ever heard of.

Don't miss Brad Pitt's response to a reporters question on why he donated $100,000 to the gay marriage fight in California:

"Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8," Pitt said Wednesday.

Brad Pitt also expressed surprise that more people in the entertainment industry aren't making donations to keep gay marriage legal. "Especially George Clooney," Pitt said. "Now, that guy should be driving up to city hall with a dump truck full of cash. I'm not implying anything, but 'dedicated bachelor'? That's about as convincing as marrying Katie Holmes."

One of our favorite books of poetry has been turned into... a nude play?

PETA invaded Pittsburgh, with banners over their naked bodies that read: "Turn Your Back On Burberry."

And John McCain checked out Sarah Palin's ass... again.

Related:

Gary Coleman Hit a Man, With a Truck, at a Bowling Alley

Vanity Fair's Best Dressed List: Perfect or Pathetic?

PETA Gets Women's Clothes Off Faster Than a $50 Bill at the Bunny Ranch

The Town Of Valentine, Nebraska Is Under Attack From The Butt Bandit

PETA: Public Nudity Didn't Work, Let's Try Public Showering...

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:24:00 GMT

Not to insult Moms (or even celebrities), but TMZ has a list today that we must improve upon...

Most of these Celebrity Moms are actually pretty cool (well, except for Britney, of course), but sometimes with all their plastic surgery, fake boobs, and reality TV antics, they make fools of themselves. Today, we run down those who have slipped up and caused the biggest fashion faux pas of late...

10. Janice Dickinson (see above.) The world's first supermodel or Scary Aunt Spice?

9. Katie Holmes. Not because she ever dresses like a prostitute, rather her inclusion here is thanks to those "rumors" that she took $3 million from the Church of Scientology to be Tom's wife.

8. Judy Landers

7. Christina Aguilera, who normally looks much classier these days, was caught in Spitzer's-second-hooker mode by the pap's:

6. Linda Hogan

5. Lisa Gastineau

4. Tori Spelling

3. Britney Spears

2. Elizabeth Hurley. Among the classiest women in the world most of the time and arguably Britain's sexiest MILF, Hurley does, from time to time, unfortunately get mistaken for a hooker Hugh Grant might've picked up:

Photo via Babble

1. Denise Richards. This photo really says it all. Why did Charlie Sheen need to hire out again? (Seriously, who needs hookers when you have the star of "Wild Things," who happens to dress way better than this most of the time? Even a jackass like Sheen shouldn't need to outsource...)

Via TMZ.

Sloppy Seconds: Who Will Host "Meet the Press?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:29:00 GMT

This pointless twittering Teddy Ruxpin freaks us out but also kind-of makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Teddy, we still love you! [2pointHome]

Oh, hello there, David Beckham's package. [People]

DJ WiiJ? Really? [MTV]

Would you pay $350 to see Katie Holmes on Broadway? We wouldn't. Would we pay $350 to watch Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have sex on stage? Maaaaybe. [Us]

Kids. Are. Mean. [NY Daily News]

NBC's Brian Williams will host "Meet the Press" this Sunday, but the network still has not found a permanent replacement. Why not Williams? [Yahoo!]

Sloppy Seconds: Only a Hairy Mole Can Save R. Kelly Now

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:44:00 GMT

Rock pioneer Bo Diddley is dead at 79. What do you mean you "don't know Diddley?" [Us]

Actor Kelsey Grammer suffered a heart attack while paddle boating recently. But it's said to be mild and he should be out of the hospital soon. [FameCrawler]

Tom Cruise has apparently "banned" Victoria Beckham from talking to his wife, Katie Holmes, about dieting. We agree Posh is too skinny, but really? The first time a man "bans" us from doing anything, we'll probably end up in jail. [GabbyBabble]

Hey, why don't you sell some of yourself to get through the recession? We're thinking of selling our pee, but only because we're considering sobriety for the month of June — you know, just to see what it's like. [DivineCaroline]

Angelina Jolie's fake assistant told a fake story to the press about Jolie giving birth last week. Man, if we had even a fake assistant life would be so much easier. [Jossip]

So Brad Pitt is in the hotel design business now... in Dubai, apparently. [People]

Okay, we don't know if it's hairy or not, but really, only R. Kelly's mole (or the lack of it in his alleged sex tape) can save him now. [Yahoo!]

Previously: Rumor Denied: Angelina Jolie

While You Were Sleeping: The Scientologists Planned Their Invasion of New York

Emily Farris — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:41:00 GMT

Remember Silvio Berlusconi, the guy who hired the hot new Italian minister who was our Crush of the Week last week? Well, we now know she doesn't support "pointless" gay pride. If that means teddy bears (stuffed, not human) with nipple rings and rainbow t-shirts, we would almost get where she's coming from (because pierced teddy bears always freaked us out), but as a politician she probably shouldn't have said it out loud. Except it appears that's not what she meant at all. [Queerty]

Would you wear undewear-wear-wear-eh-eh-eh designed by Rihanna? [ICYDN]

If you look hard enough, you can see Angelina Jolie's nipple in this picture. [Fleshbot]

Oh Jesus, Pete Doherty has a son? Where is Sally Struthers when you need her? [GabbyBabble]

Only one cast member knows how LOST will end. We don't know if we want to know. Okay, we do, but we don't. Because we're a little disappointed with the way things are going lately. [Defamer]

Hide your babies (because they'll feel inadequate next to Suri) and your prescription drugs. Katie, Tom and Suri are headed for New York. That's right, Katie landed a role in Arthur Miller's "All My Sons" this fall and Tom is letting her do it. [Yahoo!]

Scarlett Johansson Channels Wifewoman at The Met's Costume Institute Gala

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 May 2008 12:31:00 GMT

Last night pretty people in pretty clothes descended on Manhattan for The Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala. This year's theme was "Superheroes: Fashion and Fantasy" and the only thing we can come up with for Scarlett Johansson is that she was going for Wifewoman in order to show off her new engagement ring. (Oh, come on, like you've never made up your own Superhero!)

We'll let you believe for a little while longer that the ring is part of Scarlett's alter ego while we move onto Katie Holmes—who actually did a nice job of capturing the essence of a superhero who is not L. Ron Hubbard while managing to look fabulous—and Anna Wintour, who scared us a little.

In case you couldn't tell, Wintour is supposed to be Storm from "X-Men." But you probably could tell because somebody decided to take the theme very literally. While we commend her for her bravery, we'd rather have seen her in tights and a cape.

[NYT: Stars and Superheroes Sparkle at Museum Gala]

[Image, Image, Image]

Ex-Scientologist: It's Time To Strike Back

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 17:40:00 GMT

“There seems to be a level of hypnosis or brainwashing or whatever you want to call it, and this training is a way of getting people hypnotized. And there’s a lot of patter that you’re constantly hearing that helps you get in that state,” he says.

Boys and girls, your homework is to check out the excruciating, unrelenting, and totally engrossing piece in the Village Voice about ex-Scientologist Jason Beghe, a B-list TV star who paid over one million dollars and was stuck inside the cult's black hole for twelve years. (Scanner Emily spoke of this individual just the other day, breaking the story in Sloppy Seconds.) The story, by Voice scribe Tony Ortega, is chock-full of gems like this one:

“Not one auditing session—which are supposed to be private—is not recorded on film,” he says, and claims that secret cameras are used at every session at the Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles, recording sessions that for Scientologists are supposed to be something like confessionals in the Catholic church.
“Will Smith is supposedly dabbling in Scientology. Let Will Smith know that his shit was fucking recorded. And tell him to look them in the eye and see if he believes it when they deny it.”

And the closer:

“Scientology seduces you into thinking that it’s a process through which you can truly become yourself. But ultimately, what it turns you into is a Scientologist—a brainwashed version of yourself.”

Fuck baseball, this is the stuff we should be having Congressional hearings on. Um, that is, if we have to have Congressional hearings when we can just try out that latest nukes on the Scientology compounds of this country.

Read the full story at the Village Voice site. You should also check out this great first-person narrative about invading the Church's headquarters in New York City.

Previously: Sloppy Seconds...

New "Gossip Girl" Ads Make Us Feel a Little Funny Down There

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:31:00 GMT

We watch Gossip Girl when we remember that it's on, which isn't very often, but correct us if we're wrong: wasn't it originally intended for teenagers? Boozing, copulating, mature beyond their age teenagers, we have to assume, because these new steamy ads should at least have a NC-17 rating.

'Twas not too long ago we were teenagers watching Dawson's Creek and thinking to ourselves that the mere mention of sex handled so casually by Katie Holmes was scandalous for the then WB. Looking back, that shit was as mild as Sesame Street compared to Gossip Girl. And we kind-of like it, which kind-of makes us feel like pedophiles, or sad, old farts.

On that note, we're pretty sure Blake Lively (Serena) is having an orgasm in the following ad, and that is so not Dan giving it to her.

[Photoshelter: Oh CW, I'm blushing.]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Say Goodbye to Boobs

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 22:14:00 GMT

In our lifetimes many boobs will come and go. But every once in a while a pair like no other comes along (and, no, they don't belong to Ashley Alexandra Dupre). And just like that, they're gone.

Highs:

New New York Governor David Paterson was up-front with the public about his past extra-martial affairs. And we totally respect that.

We found out you'd rather have sex with a real girl from New Jersey than a prostitute. But just barely.

We have a plan for that girl from New Jersey.

Spring came! And we celebrated by looking at some skin.

Facebook taught us that Mom was right all along.

We learned that every Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is now online.

We had a little too much fun when Fox News online momentarily lost its shit.

Barack Obama impressed us again. Yes, we're biased.

Lows:

We were disturbed by the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Rubber Fisting Mitten among other things.

We said goodbye to Halle Berry's glorious pregnancy breasts.

We also said goodbye to Asia Argento's golden years.

We laughed at someone else's misfortune: droopy ass implants.

We were reminded that it's been five years since the Iraq war began. Even though America just isn't that into Iraq.

Two (count them: one, two) kind-of important people died.

Scanner Nicole made us look at Katie Holmes' gnarly toes.

We had The Plauge.

Shocker: Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Marriage A Sham!

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 15:00:00 GMT

A former member of the cult of Scientologists has outed Tom Cruise! Okay, not in that way... but tipster Marc Headley, formerly of L. Ron Hubbard's alternate universe, has been speaking to the press, confirming the rumors we know to be true about Tom's marriage to Katie Holmes...

[Scientology leader David] Miscavige assigned a high-ranking official with the order: 'Find a wife for Tom Cruise.' The official put out a casting call to female actresses, including Scientologists, saying, 'There's an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition.' But in the end no movie was made. They had to be single, they had to be pretty and in their 20s.

That's according to Marc Headley, the church's commercial-maker and possibly with an axe to grind, speaking to the admittedly very trustworthy News of the World, confirming the earlier rumors about Scarlett Johnasson's involvement in this whole affair. Johansson, like many of the other mail-order fiancees (Erika Christensen and Sofia Milo among them) showed up for a phony movie audition so they could be ogled by the androgynous Thomas Mapother the 4th.

When [Johansson] arrived at the audition address and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood she freaked out and didn't do a tape... So they worked the audition tape on Katie, got her to L.A. and introduced her to Tom. The moment he meets her, he's enthralled with her and he told Miscavige later, 'I knew immediately she was the one.'"

Awwwwww... puke. Now, would someone please confirm Tom Cruise is in fact bisexual (at the least) so we can end his career already? Not because he's bisexual, but because he's a phony and a whimp for not being upfront about wanting to bone Rob Thomas. Enough of these people!

[Photo: AOL]

[Link via Starpulse]

Caption This: Everyone Pointing at J-Lo's Pregnant Belly

Emily Farris — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 18:04:00 GMT

[Image via FameCrawler / Celebrity Moms]

Katie Holmes' Vocabulary Limited to 3 Words: Lovely, Magical, Beautiful

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 19:33:00 GMT

Look, Katie Holmes is lovely. We know it, David Letterman knows it, there's just no denying it. And we pretty much want to kidnap little Suri, and not just to get her away from her crazy Scientologist father, either. We're sure her life is lovely, magical, beautiful and everything in between, but come on Katie, since the chemical reaction that was TomKat you're such a robot. Is this what Scientology does to you? We want to see little Suri throw up all over that pretty white dress of yours right before you yell "Shitfuck!" and she bursts into tears. Give us something so we'll know your body hasn't been taken over by pod people.

Who Would You Rather: Katie Or Christina... The Results Are In

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 21:29:00 GMT

Yesterday we asked which birthday girl you'd rather do: Katie Holmes or Christina Aguilera. We have to say, we're a little surprised by the winner...

Christina!

Here's the breakdown:

7 Votes for Christina
1 Vote for Katie, from someone who thinks she's still a virgin
1 Tie vote

We're a little shocked that Christina swept this, and we're pretty sure that 5 years ago, the results would have been very, very different.

Results as of 2:40 p.m. EST.

Who Would You Rather?: Birthday Girl Edition

Emily Farris — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 21:21:00 GMT

Thank God for US Weekly or we'd have forgotten that today, December 18, is the birthday of Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes and Christina Aguilera. Because everyone wants to get laid on his or her birthday (and we already know everyone wants to fuck Brad Pitt), we ask you, who would you rather: Katie Holmes or Christina Aguilera?

Results will be posted around this time tomorrow so you have 24 hours to get out the vote.

US Weekly: Happy B'Day Brad, Katie and Christina!

Tom Cruise Likes Katie Holmes in a Suit..Oh, Right, and "a Mini"

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:21:00 GMT

There's no need for us to point out the obvious joke here, so we're going to focus on what's always been our problem with this coupling: all Katie ever says in the press is "la, la, I'm so happy, we're so in love, he makes me blush, I love him, we love us, we love, love, love, love." Now, we were too busy watching "Dawson's Creek" in the nineties to actually pay any attention to what Katie said in interviews, but we'd like to hope there was more going on with her. Or maybe we just thought she was as smart as Joey. Sigh.