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PapSmeared: Nothing Brings Family Together Like a 'Maxim' Party

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:33:00 GMT

PapSmeared: Kim Kardashian Poses for Madame Tussaud's

Emily Farris — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:06:00 GMT

Sloppy Seconds: 'Saved by the Bell' Reunion

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:02:00 GMT

We would like to preface these very sloppy seconds by telling you we think these things are true. But you know how media outlets like to play April Fool's jokes. Ugh.

Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak has been voted off of "Dancing with the Stars." [Yahoo!]

Chris Brown has an entire women's basketball team to beat up. [Us]

Mariah Carey celebrated her 40th birthday with husband Nick Cannon. In other news Mariah Carey is 40! [People]

Kim Kardashian is taking legal action against the porno "Keeping Up With the KardASSians." [FadedYouth]

Jimmy Fallon planned to reunite the entire cast of "Saved by the Bell" (yes!) but failed (noooo!). [Vulture]

Kim Kardashian's Photoshopped Photoshoot

Ina Maier — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 19:25:00 GMT

It appears that Kim Kardashian had more than a little bit of work done to her cover shot for Complex magazine, a fact that would not be so obvious had the magazine not accidentally posted the untouched-up version in their "behind-the-scenes" section of the site. Whoops! They've since taken it down, but we've got a copy...

Well, from this side-by-side, it looks like they made her smoother, thinner, and decidedly lighter – though we would have never categorized Kardashian as dark. And trust us, we know photoshopping happens to everyone – and we don’t doubt that her nudey-shoot for Russian Playboy was any less doctored – but that doesn’t make it any less dis-heartening to see.

[via]

Related:

Kim Kardashian Bares All In Russian Playboy

Ladblogs Fail To Notice Recycled Kim Kardashian Lingerie Pics

More Fun With Photoshop: McCain-Palin Beauties

Kim Kardashian Bares All In Russian Playboy

Ina Maier — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Kim Kardashian is nudey-rudey in this month's Russian-edition of Playboy. And we've got the NSFW pics to prove it.

Ladblogs Fail To Notice Recycled Kim Kardashian Lingerie Pics

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Sloppy Seconds: What Will Rihanna Say to Chris Brown?

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Most likely playing off of the popular Facebook meme 25 things is the new blog 25 Things About My Sexuality, where people can randomly post just that. [25ThingsAboutMySexuality]

Slumdog Millionaire's Freida Pinto has signed onto Woody Allend's latest film. [AfterEllen]

Is San Francisco about to lose the Chronicle to the recession? That's it, we're taking our bottle of Jameson and our box of Entenmann's rich frosted donuts and crawling into a cave until this is all over. [Bloomberg]

Um, what is Kim Kardashian doing with a pet chimp? [Us]

If drinking is good for your heart but could lead to cancer what do you choose? If you're us, and have a history of heart disease in your family and no known cases of cancer, you drink! [ABC]

Rihanna will reportedly face her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown (who allegedly beat the hell out of her, in case you haven't heard) in court when his criminal threats case goes to trial. [Starpulse]

[Image]

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 15:33:00 GMT

This would be surprising considering the fact that all (most?) of her babies were conceived via in vitro fertilization, but Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman might have a very sexy future awaiting her.

Suleman has been offered one million dollars from Vivid Entertainment to star in a porno. If you're not familiar with Vivid, the company apparently has worked with Pam Anderson, Kim Kardashian and former Miss USA Kelli McCarty.

So now we must ask: Crazy Baby Lady in a porno, hot or not?

[Via The Frisky]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

Crazy Husband Lady Left Lonely

Crazy Baby Lady Puts Crazy Cat Ladies to Shame

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

Sloppy Seconds: Billie Jean Was Indeed My Lover?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Frank Stallone-- guess who he's related to-- got a reality show based on his relation to a famous person.

Woman wins a million bucks, throws it away. End of story, right? A thoughtful clerk decides not to be greedy and gave her the ticket after discovering the oversight.

Caylee Anthony's body was found four months ago, but the police ignored the guy who kept calling to report its discovery. Too bad there isn't a caring parent around to shame these people into early retirement.

FYI: Al Franken now leads by dozen of votes, perhaps up to 250, in the endless Minnesota recount, with thousands of absentee ballots still to come.

The porn industry has been hit (hard) by the recession. [NSFW link!]

Billie Jean is Michael Jackson's lover? We think this woman is completely bonkers, though amusing as hell.

Someone please explain this Facebook creep to us.

A man fined $50 by the IRS and threatened to prosecute him for a felony after he sent them the $1.50 in sales tax he owed on a store purchase.

Teachers aren't even allowed to drink on their own time anymore.

And Kim Kardashian-- another "star" who needs to go away, has a 2009 calendar.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

PC World Picks The 11 Worst Blogs

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 15:19:00 GMT

Strangely enough, there are no LOLCat-related sites on this list... although we'd certainly nominate them.

Bad Hair Day. Seriously, this one's so boring we won't even trouble you with an analysis.

The Senator Ted Stevens Campaign Blog

The Michael Sandecki blog. It seems the answer to every "Who the hell is ____?" question we ask these days can be answered with "American Idol."

The Pepsi-KFC Blog. What ever do they talk about? Whatever it is, it's not interesting enough to research further.

The Adventures of Pat O'Neil. Despite the fact that we are bloggers, we were unaware that fictional historical characters have absurdist blogs.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Jack in the Box has a fucking MySpace blog.

Paris Hilton: A Paris Hilton Fan Blog, which was probably created by Paris Hilton or one of her BFF fembots.

Kim Kardashian's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than any fan blog about Kim Kardashian.

Rosie O'Donnell's blog, which is somehow more pathetic than Kim Kardashian's blog. Ouch.

CheckOut, which is really a big ad for Wal-Mart, according to PC World.

And the winner is... The Dullest Blog in the World. No comment.

Via MSNBC.

How The World Watches Porn Now

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:14:00 GMT

Elmhurst, Illinois, you perverts!

Today, we were alerted to Internet Pornography Statistics, a website devoted to compiling mildly outdated info on how the world searches for porn.

Among its most interesting revelations: China makes billions more on porn than the United States does...

1) China made $27.41 billion from porn in 2006, while the United States made $13.33 billion. (The US still beats the Chinese in the per capita category by 17 billion dollars.)

2) These figures are striking:

Every second - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography

Every second - 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography [only 28K?!]

Every second - 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines

Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video is being created in the United States

...especially the part about every 39 minutes. Obviously, this doesn't include sex tapes, which are created every 14 minutes by celebrities.

3) The American city with the most searches for "porn": Elmhurst, IL, followed by Stockton, CA and Meriden, CT.

4) The top search phrase in the porn category was the word "sex." Surprisingly, "adult dating" was second and "porn" a distant third, with a 3% drop from 2005. We wonder what's #1 now? "Kim Kardashian ass," perhaps?

5) More females searched for the terms "Adult dating," "teen sex," and "free sex" than guys did. "Adult dating" and "adult sex" seem to be the search terms females use the most and the percentage of women in each category (18-24, 50+, etc.) spread almost evenly across the spectrum.

6) Guys and girls agree on a few things: the search terms "XXX," "Group sex," "Sex ads," "Sexy," and "Sex chat" were used almost evenly among men and women. There is some hope for us after all...

Read the rest here, via Internet Filter Review.

Related:

Today It's Porn Vs. Halloween For Kevin Smith

Olga Kurylenko: "My Treasure Trove of Topless Photos Don't Count As Porn" [nsfw]

NYU Class Teaches You How To Have Sex

Groupie Shocked To Find Out Pop Music Douche Used Her For Her Body

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Crushed: Kim Kardashain's Dreams of Dancing With the Stars (Outside the Bedroom, Anyway)

Emily Farris — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:37:00 GMT

Apparently Kim Kardashian is just as exciting on the dance floor as she is in the bedroom.

That's not very exciting, for anyone who hasn't seen her sex tape.

Kardashian was kicked off of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" last night, after a "lackluster ramba routine." Mmhmm.

She and her partner, Mark Ballas, received a score of 17 out of 30, and after that score was combined with viewer votes, the pair was booted.

[Yahoo!: 3rd celebrity gone from 'Dancing With the Stars]

Related:

Has Kim Kardashian's DWTS Partner Seen Her Sex Tape?

All Right, Fine... We'll Show You Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape...

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

[Image]

Has Kim Kardashian's DWTS Partner Seen Her Sex Tape?

Emily Farris — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:11:00 GMT

Celebutante Kim Kardashian joins the likes of Lance Bass, Chef Rocco Dispirito, Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton and Cloris Leachman for the seventh season of Dancing With the Stars.

On her MySpace blog, Kardashian talks a lot about her anxiety over meeting her dance partner, Mark Ballas.

“All I could think was, I would be spending weeks and weeks and weeks, hours upon hours with this person, so I hoped we’d just get along to start!”

Riiight, Kimmers. You were just worried he'd seen your sex tape.

We only hope her performance on DWTS has a little more energy than her sex tape. And based on this picture we found, we think she'll be okay:

But what do you think?

[People: Kim Kardashian Traces Her DWTS Journey]

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Mean Girls: Paris Hilton Calls Former BFF's Ass "Cottage Cheese Inside a Trash Bag"

Sloppy Seconds: Kim Kardashian's Cheap, Sexy Christmas Underwear Guide

Barbara Walters to Kim Kardashian: Why Are You Famous?

All Right, Fine... We'll Show You Kim Kardashian's Sex Tape...

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:14:00 GMT

This is almost an exclusive, actually. For months, we'd been hearing about this Ray J-Kim Kardashian sex tape, which was briefly sold by one online distributor before being pulled. The only real footage that surfaced on the web was in the form of an almost safe-for-work trailer.

Then we found a couple of five-minute excerpts on Megarotic... making this sort of like Three Pornos In Search Of An Editor, but anyway...

First, the "trailer." Warning, it's incredibly annoying:

Next, the best version we've been able to find of the tape, a three part version. Most of these, you'll spend on fast-forward, but the third one is pretty nice once the slow motion bullshit is over...

1) Ray goes down on her, then there's some pointless footage of Kim's crotch... while she is in public... wearing jeans:

2) Next up, more sex, beginning with Kim saying she's too shy to show herself off... before showing off her ass and poonannananany... and boobs... and Ray J's dick...

3) At last, we come to the XXX finish... well, if you fastforward to the last two minutes, that is..

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

Dame Helen Mirren As A Teen: Loved Coke, Date Rape Not So Much

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Sloppy Seconds: No, Wait... This Is The Worst Show Ever

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Sloppy Seconds: No, Wait... This Is The Worst Show Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Gustav, that finicky fuck, passed over Jamaica and is making a turn toward Cuba and our friends in the Southern states...

Early reports suggest Republican leaders are generally pleased with McCain's VP choice.

Do we agree with Fleshbots list of the Top Ten Waiter Sex Videos?

As frequent restaurant patrons, we know a lot about good (and bad) service. Yet somehow, even in the fanciest of restaurants we've never seen a waitstaff quite as attentive as the ones you'll see in today's video roundup. We hope they were tipped very generously — they certainly all the tips they can get. After the jump, check out ten restaurant service professionals who deserve way more than 20%.

This baby switch story is all the more upsetting because one of the babies is dead. It's like that old samauri movie about the guy who thinks his kid's been kidnapped, only to find out the kidnappers grabbed his chauffeur's boy instead.

This review of Disaster Movie would probably be even harsher had the critic actually been made to watch that film.

We're not sure how we would've gone on living: Kim Kardashian's toe is healing, thank you very much, and she's still doing Dancing With The Stars.

Got 26 grand to spare? Every month? You can live where Heath Ledger died, if that's your thing.

And is this the worst idea for a show you've ever heard? As far as we know, this is the ENTIRE premise of the program:

Premiering on, big shocker, Fox on September 7th.

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Exorcist: Keep It In Your Pants Or Beelzebub's Gonna Getcha

While You Were Sleeping: The Heath Ledger Investigation

While You Were Sleeping: Anne Hathaway and the Cops

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

"Disaster Movie": a title like that is going to give the same critics (including yours truly) that trashed "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" lots of ammo for their brutal headlines.

Luckily, Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian, the film's stars, couldn't give a big, hot, reality star's ass what people think of their movie. Although they do worry about the stalkers and photographers, as they reveal in a couple of creepy-as-hell stories...

Are you guys able to walk around in public without being hassled? Do you ever have experiences with people coming too close to your space?

Electra: I had a weird experience when I was working at MTV. We were shooting an opening of a new restaurant or something. And we were in a different city. I flew in, and I was all by myself because it was one of my first jobs. And I didn't have anyone with me at all. I flew in, and the driver picked me up and took me to the hotel. And there was a guy in the lobby with a clipboard. He said he was from MTV and sort of had the rundown of my schedule and took me up to my room and was in my room with me. I was hanging out with this guy for the entire day. And finally the phone rings and I said, "Answer it," because I was getting ready. And the people from MTV freaked out because they didn't know who he was. It turns out he was a stalker, so they arrested him.

Kim, it probably helps that you always have a reality TV crew following you...
Kardashian: Yeah. But I was in New York last week on my way to the airport, and the driver was taking me. And I fell asleep. And when you're so tired and you fall asleep and your mouth is open and you do not look normal. I woke up to all these flashes. And the driver was turned around driving on the freeway, taking pictures of me sleeping. I was so freaked out.

Electra: Oh no. That's not cool. But I'm sure you sleep beautiful [laughs].

Kardashian: I was drooling down the side of my face [laughs]. I took his camera.

On the rumor mill... how ever do things like this get started:

Kardashian: There was this huge new rumor going around that I got arrested a few days ago for lighting a raccoon on fire. And they had all the paperwork and the documents that I was arrested [laughs]. It was just so bizarre. I don't even know where they came up with that. It was like in Compton, too. I don't think I've been to Compton.

In a separate story, Carmen talked about how their wrestling scene for the movie, which unfortunately begins existing nationwide on Friday, turned her into a Kardashian fan:

She says, "I really got to know her in our wrestling scene... We get into some down and dirty positions, so it's a good thing we became friends. Kim is so cool, not to mention being hot." [Starpulse]

Woody Allen, are you getting this? If you think there should have been more lesbo action between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in your (otherwise excellent) new movie, why not do a sequel with these two?

Of course, we're kidding. Woody has better taste than that... we hope.

Via MovieFone.

Sloppy Seconds: New Apprentice Set To Be Worst TV Show Ever

Keeping Up With the Kardashians Kind-Of Kreeps Us Out

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

The Best Review of the Worst Movie Ever

Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

...In Which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz Make Out

Hot or Not? Kim Kardashian Poses for "Ralph"

Emily Farris — Tue, 27 May 2008 18:37:00 GMT

We've never really understood the hullabaloo surrounding Kim Kardashian. She's cute and all, and we appreciate that she appreciates her curves, but we can't say we hold her in much higher regard than any of the other famous people who are only famous for being friends with or related to famous people. She doesn't have much to say, and she's friends with Joe Francis, so she definitely doesn't come anywhere near making our shortlist of girls we'd cross over to the other side for.

But we know you like to look at her, so we've included shots from her upcoming photo shoot for "Ralph" magazine after the jump.

[via Gabby Babble]

While You Were Sleeping: All Kinds Of Sh*t Went Down, No One Was Injured

Emily Farris — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:37:00 GMT

We thought that whole "testicles on trucks" thing was settled a while ago. Apparently not. [Reuters]

U.S. newspaper circulation fell 3.6%. [Yahoo!]

Tina Fey's Baby Mama grossed 18.5 million its opening weekend. [US Weekly]

Grand Theft Auto IV swept New York City. [NYT]

The Kardashian sisters got into a kind-of weak cat fight. Scanner Emily and little sister would have ripped these girls seven new orifices back in the day. [MollyGood]

Super patriotic, Dixie Chicks hating country star Toby Keith encountered mortar fire when entertaining troops in Afghanistan. [People]

Halle Berry just had a baby, and other than her glorious breasts, you'd never be able to tell. [Jezebel]

[Image via]

Ladblogs Fail To Notice Recycled Kim Kardashian Lingerie Pics

Bryan Christian — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 04:06:00 GMT

Popoholic? Hollywood Tuna? Bitten and Bound? None of 'em caught that Ralph Magazine (an Australian men's mag, which still doesn't make it a good name) was printing year-old snaps of bootylicious socialite and reality TV star Kim Kardashian sitting on a table in her underwear. Well, Complex Magazine's blog noticed. But that's because they were the ones who first printed them.

When we logged on the internets today, we were shocked to see that Australian men’s magazine Ralph had completely ripped off our Kim Kardashian cover shoot from last year. Now, we know everyone can’t be as ahead of the curve as ’Plex (come on…we had Kimmy before the sex tape even dropped), and we know that photographers make that side hustle money by reselling photos to other magazines, but damn, did they really have to use the exact same photo we ran on our cover? We’re just saying.

While people are "just saying," we should say that we totally recognized the rip-off because, well, we still own that issue of Complex.

See below for full size comparisons.

Actually, it's kind of nice not having all those stupid words in the way...

Barbara Walters to Kim Kardashian: Why Are You Famous?

Emily Farris — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 21:01:00 GMT

We were just thinking the same thing, actually. Other than being Crazy. Sexy. Fun. with your mom, of course.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians Kind-Of Kreeps Us Out

Emily Farris — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 17:33:00 GMT

And we're not even talking about the reality show by the same name, we're talking about the mere idea of keeping up with the Kardashian family. Because, seriously, if we're ever in a picture with our mom and the word "sexy" also appears anywhere on that image, will someone please knock us off?

Sloppy Seconds: Kim Kardashian's Cheap, Sexy Christmas Underwear Guide

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 16:57:00 GMT

New York's free newspaper brings us Sexy underwear for every budget (including Scanner Emily's favorite poor-girl's Target line).

The Jamaica Observer shares The Single Woman's Guide to Surviving Christmas and New Year's. Click through to get started on that "sexy ritual" ASAP.

Kim Kardashian used to pray her boobies would stop growing... while we're still hoping to get ours.

Britney Spears Shows Rare Good Taste

Bryan Christian — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 14:00:00 GMT

Confession time, kids. We... OK, I... have been thinking about doing an "I Hate Myself For Loving You" about Kim Kardashian. But you know what my problem is with that? I'm totally proud of thinking she's hot. Granted, it's unclear what she ever did to deserve the modicum of basic-cable fame that she has carved out for herself, other than be born rich and cute and sign a porn waiver. And yeah, maybe the porn in question was deeply, unrelentingly boring. Perhaps you even think Keeping Up With the Kardashians is a spectacle of privileged, banal self absorption? (I wouldn't know. No girl's worth watching reality TV. I learned that ages ago.)

But you know what? None of that matters. Just look at her! She's a fine fine woman! If she were to bring them big, round eyes/lips/boobs/buns into the same elevator as you or me, no matter we thought of her career, we'd still be shaking in our shoes the whole ride up, going "Damn, Moesha's brother ain't having it that good ever again!"

But wouldn't you know: here comes Britney Spears wanting to ruin everything.

When asked which celebrity she would most like to have sex with, Britney reportedly said: "I really love Kim's butt, skin and hair. Kim is a real woman. She is a real horny beast."

[...]

A source said: "She was so graphic. It's funny to hear America's pop darling get so dirty."

Gross! I'm guessing Kimmy's too ambitious (and, most likely, straight) to go for it, which is a relief. Because though I'd normally volunteer to be a human shield for La Kim K, even I know I'd be no match for a horny, boozed up Brit.

	Every second* - $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography*
	Every second - 28,258* internet users are viewing pornography* [only 28K?!]
	Every second - 372* Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines*
	Every 39 minutes: a new pornographic video* is being created in the United States*