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Teacher Who Called Creationism Religious, Superstitious Nonsense Loses His Case

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 19:40:00 GMT

Check out this forward-thinking decision: a court ruled today that a public school teacher who casually dissed creationism during a discussion of European history has been found to have violated a student's First Amendment rights. How did a teacher exercising his First Amendment right to offer an opinion impair someone else's First Amendment rights?

You've already guessed correctly, we're sure.

[Student Chad] Farnan sued in U.S. District Court in 2007, alleging that [James] Corbett violated the establishment clause of the First Amendment by making repeated comments in class that were hostile to Christian beliefs.
The lawsuit cited more than 20 statements made by Corbett during one day of class, all of which were recorded by Farnan, to support allegations of a broader teaching method that "favors irreligion over religion" and made Christian students feel uncomfortable.

During the course of the litigation, the judge found that most of the statements cited in the court papers did not violate the First Amendment because they did not refer directly to religion or were appropriate in the context of the classroom lecture.

But Selna ruled Friday that one comment, where Corbett referred to creationism as "religious, superstitious nonsense," did violate Farnan's constitutional rights.

Remember, you might make Christians uncomfortable by calling a stupid belief in stupid creationism "stupid." You will also get sued (and lose) on the grounds that you are not allowed to have freedom of religion if your religion (atheism, say) violates someone else's freedom of religion. It makes sense on paper, but the Irony Police are banging their heads on their desks and Charles Darwin is rolling over in his grave, as he has done every day for the past century or two...

Via Fox News.

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Apparently, Florida Doesn't Want You to Learn How to Have Great Sex

Gah! Don't Let Your Kids Play With Satan's Testicles!

Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Victoria's Secret Suit

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:18:00 GMT

Hey ladies-- and gents who like that sort of thing-- do your Victoria's Secret bras bother the living hell out of you?

You're not alone, as we found out from this story out of Cleveland, Ohio...

It turns out there's a big class action lawsuit in the works, with up to 2,000 pairs of boobs claiming damages, brought about by a guy who makes the ambulance-chasing John Travolta character from A Civil Action look like John Paul the Second. (He's quoted as saying about the tit-tarnishing: "All of the women's breasts looked alike," said attorney John Climaco of Cleveland. "It brought tears to your eyes. They're scarred.") What brought tears to this po' countray boy's eyes is described as a rash in the cleavage that irritates the bejesus outta the ladies.

The lawsuit accuses the retailer and its Columbus-based parent company, Limited Brands Inc., of misrepresenting the safety of their products, failing to warn customers of problems and concealing knowledge of defective merchandise.

The women seek in excess of $5 million combined, plus compensation for medical expenses, pain and mental anguish.

At first, [plaintiffs] Ritter and Climaco attributed her afflictions to formaldehyde, a chemical used in clothing manufacturing to help retain shapes. But that strategy fell through after independent tests failed to find formaldehyde in Victoria's Secret bras and concluded that Ritter was not allergic to the chemical.

Whoops. If you have the same symptoms, you might want to start your own case-- we're better this is going to get tossed in no time.

Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer.

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PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 18:15:00 GMT

District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. Tunkhannock, Pennsylvania is in deep doo-doo after bullying and threatening the parents of a bunch of girls between the ages of 10 and 16 about their sexting problems. He threatened to imprison an eleven year old for something that isn't even a crime (wait'll you hear this) and is being sued by the ACLU on behalf of three furious families.

Skumanick sat down with parents one day and showed them the lurid images and said that either the girls enter into a treatment program for their sexual problems or be forced to endure a trial to juvie hall, a trial, and possible jail time.

Another confiscated phone had photos of a 17-year-old girl that she described in an interview as "semi-nude pictures, underwear and stuff like that." The girl, who took the photos herself, was debating whether to send them to her boyfriend when a teacher took the phone.

Mr. Skumanick thought he had enough evidence to charge them as juveniles on pornography violations -- not just for sending the photos, but for appearing in them, too.

At a school assembly during the crisis, one boy was ejected and told "this isn't a debate" for questioning whether the DA was ruining people's lives by carrying on his investigation. Soon after, letters began appearing in mailboxes around Wyoming County, telling parents their children were being suspected of involvement with child porn and ordering the adults to appear at a courthouse meeting, where the phones were laid out and anyone could see the porn pics. An 11-year-old in a bathing suit was told she could be charged for "posing provocatively."

Another was told the years-old photo of her in a bra at an all-girls slumber party could get her in deep trouble-- and that she could be raped by an old man who might across the pic. One 17-year-old attended the meeting herself and cried out,"I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts."

And not long after that, the ACLU filed suit, effectively blocking charges against the children Skumbag is so aggressively pursuing.

Via WSJ. [Please right-click to open this link in a new window.]

14-Year-Old Girl Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

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Paraguay Has Its Very Own Bill Clinton-Style Sex Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:53:00 GMT

This post marks the first time we've ever linked to Al Jazeera, at least that I can recall. Not that we're afraid of what Sean Hannity and his McCarthyite followers might say.

Rather, the famed Arabic news service is rarely one to break major sex scandals... until now. And we're glad we didn't miss this one like Fox News already has, because it has three classic scandal plot points...

1) Fernando Lugo, the President of Paraguay, has admitted to fathering a child out of wedlock with Viviana Carrillo, who was not even his girlfriend at the time.

2) The boy is almost two, making the woman 24 and and Lugo 55 at the time of conception.

3) Lugo was technically still a Roman Catholic bishop at the time he knocked up the young woman. He was staying with her at her godmother's house when their sexual relationship began, culminating in the birth of the boy almost a year before he won the Presidency. So, he didn't knock anybody up while in office (that we know of), but don't forget that the Pope had actually turned down his request be relieved of the vows of celibacy-- even after the boy's birth. (Pope Benedict eventually gave in.)

This all only came to light when the woman was forced to file a paternity suit against the Paraguayan President-- he thought he could pull a John Edwards up until the last minute. More via Al Jazeera.

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil In Trouble Again

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

Who cares if it makes us sound like a two-year-old: we can't stop shouting "I want! I want! I want!" when we watch this video about Tweenbots.

It was the biggest Easter box-office of all time, thanks to Hannah Montana topping that dumb car race movie.

First, gay marriage and now sexting will be legal in Vermont?

A good way to figure out how to meet people is to find out how other people are meeting people.

Blake Fielder-Civil apparently knocked up his mistress.

This photo of a woman getting chewed on by a polar bear is scary and one of the strangest we've ever seen in a major news story.

It took long enough: the porn industry is working on a Seinfeld "parody."

A truly awful story keeps getting worse: parents of a ten-year-old who was killed while offroading by a highway are suing the driver who hit her, a man who was already cleared of wrongdoing.

It may be time to attempt an intervention: Suri Cruise is going to attend Scientology school.

And Roger Federer got married.

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It Was 15 Years Ago Today

Colleen Kane — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:01:00 GMT

Kurt Cobain's body was found in Seattle a decade and a half ago today.

Unfortunately, every time I think of the shock of hearing that news via my college radio station, I recall how awful the radio announcer was. She was a fellow DJ with aspirations to make it as a radio personality, but she lacked anything resembling a personality, and even used a fake last radio name "Winters" instead of her more ethnic-sounding name. So when she announced this news, it was in her constantly smiling radio voice, plus she didn't really like music so she didn't care.

Anyway! One media personality who was appropriately somber about the loss back in April 1994 was Kurt Loder, who covered the developing story as MTV's 9-11, which it kind of was. A recycled eulogy for Cobain (from the 10-year anniversary) by Loder is up on MTV.com.

And meanwhile, The Courtney Love Show continues lumbering and sputtering along to its own cacophonic tune.

Courtney is preparing a lawsuit to reclaim $30 million in cash looted from the estate of Kurt Cobain. An additonal $500 million was scammed in real-estate investment ventures, says an article on E! Online. "There are now Kurts and Courtneys and Franceses spelled different ways that allegedly own properties all over the country that were bought by Kurt's assets," said Courtney's attorney. What this means, and who Courtney is suing have not yet been specified.

But she berated anyone who didn't understand the ins and outs of the coming lawsuit in her MySpace blog. An excerpt:

do you UNDERSTAND?
DO YOU UNDERFUCKINGSTAND?

to show you much else would make you start singing i dont know,....Metallica? am i speaking to BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD?
HAVE YOU EVER READ A BOOK?

ONE?

You're also welcome to try to make head or tail of her Tweets. Courtney tweeted more than 50 times yesterday, and not one of the messages makes sense.

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Too Many Cocks in the Cockpit = Lawsuit

Colleen Kane — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 14:35:00 GMT

When Captain Lisa Stout kept finding secret, but apparently deliberately-placed stashes of pornography in the cockpit, she didn't feel like she was flying the friendly skies, and filed a federal sexual harassment lawsuit with United Airlines. The case has been settled, but the terms, like the stashes, are also secret.

It's disturbing to hear how immature and twisted the harassment was, and think that the perpetrator could be a pilot still working for United.

Stout found pornographic photos of women on flights more than 20 times in 2004 and 2005, taped in surprise spots like the lid of an unused ashtray. (Um, by the way, why do airplanes STILL have ashtrays? How old are these planes we fly in?) She alleges that United's efforts to find the perpetrator were inadequate and she suffered retaliation as as result. Stout's suit claims she developed a "severe condition" that required her to take medication and eventually ground herself.

Check out United's defense:

United argued that Stout could not have been offended by the sexually explicit photos because she once worked in a retail store that sold pornographic magazines, she sometimes sketched nudes as an artist and she had attended art shows displaying photos of nude women.

We're surprised they didn't add in that Stout was a woman, so she had seen herself naked before, so she couldn't possibly be bothered by this so-called harassment.

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New Jersey Contemplates Ban on Brazilian Wax

Colleen Kane — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 16:02:00 GMT

New Jersey's Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling is considering a ban on genital waxing, as cosmetologists across the state are discovering, to their surprise, that the process is already illegal.

What should be illegal about a Brazilian wax? Isn't it, technically, just a hairstyle?

A spokesman for the Department of Consumer Affairs explained that the move resulted from two complaints from women whose waxes landed them in the hospital, one of whom sued.

A dermatologist consulted by the Philadelphia Daily News admitted that the procedure could tear skin and result in infection, but anything could cause an infection. The cosmetologists were less subtle in their commentary:

"The clients are going to freak."

"If it's illegal, then why do they teach it in schools?"

"(Women would) go ballistic."

The jury is out until the board meets on April 14.

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Woman Gets Breast Cancer, So Workplace Finds An Excuse To Fire Her

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:47:00 GMT

It's like Philadelphia, only somehow more depressing.

A woman in Toronto was diagnosed with breast cancer a few weeks ago. She told her boss, who expressed sympathy. She was asked to put all of the information about her necessary time off in writing. She did so, stating that she would work right up until the heavy part of the procedures began, scheduled for last week. When her ex-husband suggested she get a second opinion on her diagnosis, she wrote a second note stating that she would stay on indefinitely.

That's what she found out that her company had considered her first note a letter of resignation and told her, "Sorry, nah nah, you can't take it back."

You think we're kidding?

Torrejon couldn't believe what she was reading. Nowhere in her letter or her conversations with the McDonalds had she ever suggested quitting her job. As an ill single mom [with two kids-- and don't forget the "ill" is "with breast cancer"], resigning is the last thing she could afford to do right now.
At their management office, a flustered Geri McDonald repeated their contention that Torrejon had submitted a letter of resignation. When told that we had seen a copy of the letter and it appeared to be nothing of the kind, McDonald pursed her lips and said, "I have nothing else to say."

The company may have suspected that Miss Torrejon is an illegal immigrant or some other type that might not fight back, but they were wrong. This was an extensive and widely-distributed story in yesterday's Toronto Sun. What can she do now? Possibly sue. Possibly get the government involved-- since, according to one local human rights league, McDonald and friends violated a law barring discrimination against the disabled, a category which Torrejon may fall under.

Via the Toronto Sun/Canoe.

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12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 19:28:00 GMT

And no, it's not have his baby...

A teacher named Steve Davis at-- here's a name for ya-- Seven Hills Middle School in Nevada City, California has brought his entire school district shame, not to mention a major lawsuit, after what he forced a twelve-year-old girl to do at his request.

Davis has not publicly explained why he forced the unnamed girl to take a pregnancy test that involved giving a urine sample. The school, for that matter, hasn't explained why any nurse in their right mind gave Davis the pregnancy test to give to his adolescent student. And, of course, no one is talking about the case at all, since it's bound to cost the district millions.

Here's the saddest part of all: based on what we've read in various news outlets in California, it seems that Davis heard "rumors" of the girl's pregnancy from a girl who has a history of spreading unsubstantiated rumors about the victim and still he did not dismiss them. Of course, this all begs the obvious question:

Why was Steve Davis forcing anyone, let alone a 12-year-old student, to take a pregnancy test for any reason?

Here's one of the many news stories about the case.

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While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

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We Wish They'd Shut Down American Idol Instead of Stripper Idol

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:56:00 GMT

Did anyone else see this train wreck, pictured above, who somehow manage to squeak by the competition and land a trip to Hollywood? Not only did she skank it to the max to highlight her vocal shortcomings, but then she tried to make out with Ryan Seacrest-- twice. Bleech.

30.1 million people tuned in for Tuesday night's season premiere of American Idol. Among those who were not watching-- patrons at the Austin bar The Palazio Men's Club, who had better things to do...

(Sure, the contest is on Thursday nights, but it's not like the patrons were watching Fox the other night, what with glorious stripping right in front of them.)

American Idol's lawyers, who apparently have infinite amounts of money and time, decided to shut down the Texas competition which pits amateur topless females in 60-second strip-offs for a cash prize of $500. (That's it? Hell, strippers used to make $500 a night each... and now there'll only be one and everyone else gets zilch?) The bored lawyers claim that the "color scheme, design and font" of the Austin competition is too similar to the Fox one-- we're sure it's identical, but that's not the point-- and then this gem:

"There is a substantial likelihood that consumers will be confused, misled or deceived as to the sponsorship ... of the defendants' stripper talent contest."

Right. Grandma who wants to see another Jordan Sparks wannabe is going to go to a bar, thinking that the show is no longer on TV, and will somehow miss that the word "American" has been changed to "STRIPPER." Of course, the judge will side with whomever has the highest-paid lawyers, so Texas is screwed again.

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Pregnant Woman, Tackled And Arrested While In Labor, To Get Her Day In Court

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:43:00 GMT

Back in May, 2005, a 24-year-old woman in Jacksonville, Florida was arrested in a hospital emergency room after running red lights and refusing to wait while an officer ticketed her. The police tackled her to the ground and cuffed her, which is what they are trained to do.

Except there's a catch: Melanie Williams was in labor and bleeding, partly as a result of having been seven-and-a-half-months pregnant. Thankfully, she was later released and gave birth to a reportedly healthy boy.

We have to admit to not being in the least surprised to learn that Melanie Williams is black. Could that have been a factor in the decisions made by police? However, we'd also like to point out, had Williams just called 911 from her house and waited for an ambulance, this might never have happened-- although, we must add, we have to wonder whether she was afraid about the cost of the ambulance versus driving herself. Universal healthcare, anyone?

Obviously, she is now suing the shit out of everyone-- and it's hard to imagine a jury not feeling sympathetic to the plight of a woman in labor screaming about being pregnant and bleeding while being handcuffed on a hospital floor. The cops fear a jury trial, as well-- until yesterday, they were fighting a lower court ruling that ordered them to face a civil suit. The two deputies claimed to have "immunity," which the appeals court judge scoffed at.

(One more irrelevant tidbit: the day Melanie Williams gave birth was Mother's Day.)

[Earlier version corrected for clarity.]

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While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Other Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

William Zantzinger, subject of the Bob Dylan protest song "The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll," died in Maryland of undisclosed causes.

Ian McKellen isn't too upset PBS doesn't have the balls to include the nude scene in their broadcast of his play.

Marilyn Manson is being sued by his ex-bandmate for twenty million dollars. Why do we care? Wait till you hear what Manson apparently spent the band's royalties on...

Bier, otherwise known as Madonna Wayne Gacy, sued Manson for more than $20 million last year, claiming Manson siphoned off millions of dollars in band revenue.

The funds allegedly paid for drugs, assorted Nazi paraphernalia, the cost of Von Teese's engagement ring and the ex-couple's 2005 wedding, and the interior decorating of Manson's mansion, which features a stuffed grizzly bear, a pair of baboons and the skeleton of a 4-year-old Chinese girl. [E!]

Patricia Arquette shilled for PETA.

Sources say pop singer Fergie is getting married this weekend. At last, a wedding the gossip rags aren't going apeshit over.

Kate Winslet said her teenage co-star was "terrified" during their sex scenes together in The Reader. Who can blame him? We'd have made a mess of the whole thing-- repeatedly.

Even though photos prove he was seeing Angelina Jolie on the side while still married, Brad Pitt claims he did not cheat.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not resign before he's impeached, even though a committee voted 21-0 to remove him. It's now in the hands of the State House of Representatives.

And Maine is getting the topless coffee shop! Hooray?

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Model Suing Google Over Blogger's Mean Remarks

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 17:31:00 GMT

Model Liskula Cohen is suing Google's Blogger.com site to learn the identity of the nasty bully who said all these horrible things about her delightful appearance...

According to the New York Daily News and other sources, the anonymous blog's entries included the following comments about the runway model:

"skank" "old hag" "#1 skanky superstar" "fortysomething" [she's 36] "may have been hot 10 years ago"
[and it's headlined] "Desperation seeps from her soul, if she even has one,"

Sounds like she has a bitter rival-- another model, perhaps, jealous of her supposed fling with David Schwimmer (you heard it here first-- but don't sue is, Ms. Cohen!)

Liskula responded in kind (well, a "liveandlove" did, but we have our theories who that is a cover for) on the post, which is now missing in action:

"Are you one of those little dumpy girls who hang off her every word? Or do you wait three hours in line at a club, when she breezes right in? [You're a] silly, silly fat girl.
"Tell me, are you easier to walk over or around?"

Sometimes, in anger, we say things that are way worse than the bullies who started the spat in the first place. Good luck in court, Liskula.

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Hooters Fires Physically-Abused Waitress For Not Looking Hot Enough

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:51:00 GMT

All Sara Dye, 27, wanted from Hooters was her job back-- or, if she couldn't have that, the unemployment benefits she was due under Iowa state law. However, her ex-employer fought her all the way through trial, desperate to prevent her from receiving the few hundred dollars (we're guessing) she was owed.

Not only that, but Dye hadn't done anything deliberate that warranted a sacking-- unless you count picking the Boyfriend or Husband From Hell...

Dye was hospitalized, battered and bruised, following several unspecified instances of "domestic abuse," according to The Des Moines Register. Dye met with the Davenport Hooters management and all parties agreed she was not well enough to work-- because of her appearance, of course. God forbid horny perverts see anything other than a bunch of flawless Barbie dolls worshiping at their feet, waiting for wings orders. In fact, it's written in the Hooters manual that a hostess (Dye's job) must maintain a "glamorous appearance."

When Dye was unable to heal fast enough, she was prevented from returning to work. When she asked another employee what the deal was, the employee told Dye she had been fired. Thankfully, a judge sided with the victim and awarded her the benefits. But, good Lord, was it worth it, Hooters?

Our handbook states you have to have a glamorous appearance. It doesn't actually say, 'Bruises on your face are not allowed.' It does talk about the all-American cheerleader look."

Sheedy said Dye could now resume working at Hooters, assuming she maintained a glamorous appearance.

"She told me that she was very badly beaten, she (had been) unconscious, she was in the hospital," Duvall said. "She was like, 'I really want to work next week. ...' I said, 'You need to come in and speak to Gina and let her see your appearance.'"

God bless America.

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Lingerie Football Linebacker Sues Ex For Leaking Her Nude Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:49:00 GMT

Melissa Berry, a linebacker for the lingerie football league (for some reason, the words "linebacker" and "lingerie" don't go together in our brains), is suing her ex for 15 g's after it was discovered he posted photos of her giving a blow job.

We may have to side with him on this one: since we can't seem to find any records of the nude photos online (and unless someone sends us a link, damn it), we have to suspect they were never there in the first place. However, given this guy's profession, we almost hope this story is true...

According to various news outlets, Mark Dawson, the 45-year-old ex in question, is a "safe dating expert." (Lesson Number One: Don't Let Your Boyfriend Have Possession of Your Nude Photos.) After Berry dumped his sorry ass, Dawson decided to get revenge by showing the photos, which were on his cell phone; somehow, Berry got ahold of the phone and smashed it to pieces. Her former lover responded by demanding $500 for the device's replacement; when this wasn't provided, he started forwarding the nude photos of Berry. Recipient #? Berry's mother.

Recipient's #2 through infinity would be the internet, if, again, anyone ever actually saw the photos before they were pulled. Based on the claim by Berry's attorney that they feature his client engaged in a “particularly private, intimate sexual act,” we can imagine they involve something like the below photo, only more naked-er.

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While You Were Sleeping: 93% Prefer Real Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 14:01:00 GMT

A woman who selflessly built homes for Katrina victims is CNN's Hero of the Year, an award which is obviously way cooler than Time's Person of the Year.

However, you look at it, this company is in deep shit: a radio station is being sued after a Win A Date With A Great Guy contest ended in the unlucky winner being raped. One commenter: "Is the radio station [really] responsible for doing a through criminal background check? What's a 24 year old woman dating a 46 year old man anyway?" Answers: possibly and we have no clue whatsoever.

Here it is, the annual annoying survey of the Top 10 stars you'd like to invite over for Thanksgiving...

1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Tina Fey
3. Ellen DeGeneres + Portia De Rossi
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Suri Cruise
6. Tyra Banks
7. Jonas Brothers
8. Keira Knightley
9. Beyonce Knowles
10. Robert Pattinson

Barack Obama joked he's going to throw his "weight around" regarding college football playoff rules. Isn't it great to have a President(-elect) whose kidding doesn't make you scream in horror?

Remember that big Hollywood wiretap scandal involving Tom Cruise and some other celebrities? The culprit was sentenced to three years in prison.

Biden does appear to be setting up his Senate seat for his son to take over in 2010.

93% of respondents to a Fark survey said they prefer real boobs to fake ones. Duh. It would've been more of a story if the question was, "Which do you prefer: small natural boobs or big enhanced boobs?"

And you could win a $500 gift card to Ikea and a date with one of the guys from Pavement.

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Don't Ever Lose Your Cell Phone At A McDonald's

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:43:00 GMT

Life Lesson #1: never lose your cell phone at a McDonald's. Life Lesson #2: If said cell phone contains nude photos of your wife, don't lose it at a McDonald's in northwest Arkansas.

A couple in the great state of Ark learned those the hard way when schlubby left his cell phone behind. For some reason, the McDonald's employees who discovered it went through his photo library instead of dialing up the man's address book and asking whose phone they were calling from. Sooner or later, at least one or two of the pics, all of which featured the man's surely long-suffering spouse, made their way to a website, which, curiously enough, made its way into the lives of the couple in question. (Did a friend see the wife's photo and say, "Hey, check out this great nude photo of your dearly beloved!" Did the husband have to admit to a porn addiction that allowed for this discovery?)

In any case, the couple has launched a three million dollar lawsuit against the company that owns the Fayetteville franchise and the restaurants manager. Was it worth it, McDonald's folks?

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Kansas City Mayor Loves His Wife (Too Much?)

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:19:00 GMT

The mayor of our former and future hometown of Kansas City, MO filed a lawsuit against the city after the City Council banished his wife from City Hall.

Mayor Mark Funkhouser (yes, his campaign ads included "We Want the Funk") says he works better with his wife by his side. And since she's been banned from City Hall, several days a week Funkhouser works from his three-bedroom house.

Is this a tale of true love or creepy codependency?

After Gloria Squitiro successfully ran her husband's mayoral campaign she took a desk nearest his office at City Hall. But after a former mayoral assistant filed a lawsuit that accused Ms. Squitiro, Mayor Funkhouser and the city of creating a "hostile work environment" the City Council passed an ordinance stipulating that elected officials could no longer have relatives working as volunteers in their offices on a regular basis, according to the Wall Street Journal.

"It is bizarre, in a word, for the mayor to sue his own city," says Ed Ford, a member of the city council. "He seems to be saying there's one overriding issue that I care about more than anything else, and that is my ability to spend time with my wife at City Hall."

"It's a classic love story," says Garry Cushinberry, a bank vice president who sat at the mayor's table at an awards dinner Nov. 14. "He's risking his political career for the woman he loves. You have to respect that."

While Funkhouser and his wife have made more than a few rookie mistakes, politically (and this seems to be one of them) we can't help but focus on "a Christmas letter the couple mailed last year to about 100 friends in which Ms. Squitiro described her husband's prostate exam, which she sat in on, at his doctor's office. The letter, excerpted on the Internet, got national publicity."

[WSJ: Kansas City Gives Mayor's Helpmate the Heave-Ho From City Hall]

Geography Lessons: Kansas City is in Missouri and So is Scanner Emily

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Lost Your Penis in the Penal System? Washington State Has 300 G's For Ya

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:16:00 GMT

This is a story to make your balls retract into your stomach, a la Kurt Vonnegut's "Breakfast of Champions" character.

Charlie Manning (who actually gave his name to reporters for no good reason) just collected a cool 300 grand from the State of Washington, thanks to their terrible prison system. Not bad for less than a year of his time... although, there is that problem of his having left jail without a penis and second testicle...

Washington state has agreed to pay $300,000 to an ex-prison inmate whose penis was consumed by a flesh-eating bacteria while he was behind bars.
Charlie Manning told The Seattle Times Monday he will have $115,000 left after paying attorney's fees arising from his lawsuit and other bills. He expects to get the money this week.
"It's been a nightmare," Manning said. "I figured I should settle for what I could get because I just want it behind me. It's unreal. It's like something from Mars."
Manning, 61, was serving a 13-month sentence for a drunken fight when he became ill. The prison doctor wrongly diagnosed his symptoms as an allergic reaction to medication. It turned out he had necrotizing fasciitis and the bacteria destroyed his penis and one testicle.

Good Lord, what is this, France? No, Charlie, this isn't from Mars-- it's called American Justice, and it's more frightening than the words "Sarah Palin 2012." Remember kids: if you're going to do the crime, make sure you don't end up doing the time in Washington State.

Via 96.1.

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Whoops! We Sent You Home With The Wrong-Gendered Baby

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 16:34:00 GMT

One Romanian mother got the shock of her life when she went to change her "daughter's" diaper for the first time...

One of our favorite movies is Once Upon A Time in America, which we saw at a young enough age that, upon watching the scene where De Niro and James Woods switch all the name tags on the babies, we were quite traumatized by the idea of a baby swap. Could we have the wrong parents? Nah-- we share too many of the same genes, like the crazy gene and the utter confusion at anything people say gene.

Anyway, enough about that.

A woman who have birth to a baby girl had the shock of her life when she went home from hospital and changed its nappy for the first time - and discovered bumbling nurses had given her a boy instead.

Cristina Zahariuc, 35, from Horlesti in Iasi county, Romania, said she hadn't suspected a thing because the baby was handed over wearing the clothes she had provided.

"Only when I got home and I invited some friends and the baby's godparents to see her did I notice my girl had an penis. I was paralysed," she said.

Look, everybody! My daughter has an amazing vagina! Uh oh.

"It was very strange though. We were calling the hospital to tell them about the confusion and they were hanging up on us saying we should stop fooling around. They thought we were playing tricks on them," he said.

No, they were afraid of you because of this thing called a "lawsuit," which they surely have coming to them. After all, what if the swapped baby had been a girl? Would Mom have found out? And what about the other family? Certainly, they must be ready to file themselves...

One more thing: we understand names may have gotten swapped if two nurses picked the two babies up to be changed and played baby toss or something, but how did the clothes get swapped?

Via news.com.au.

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Priest, During Confession: "Hey, You Wanna Go Back To My Place?"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:36:00 GMT

A priest in Queens is being sued by a woman he picked up while she was confessing... in his confession booth.

If you think that's choice, wait'll you hear what he did that made her decide to sue his dumb ass...

According to CBS TV in New York, Reverend Elvis (seriously) Elan was preachin' and consolin' at the Our Lady of the Snows Church in Glen Oaks, which is in the borough of Queens, when a woman going through a painful divorce took confession with him.

Laufer says his client, Judith Rodriguez-Lytwyn was vulnerable when she walked into the confessional where Elano allegedly told her, "Your presence struck me like a thunderbolt."

He was so thunderstruck, it seemed, they began having sex and even seeing each other for dinner before the sex. The outrage! Seriously, that's how his flock sees it:

"I can't believe it. You know it knocks me for a loop," said Dan Torpey, one of the church's parishioners. Added parishioner Viola Czajkowski: "I don't see how a priest who took vows could possibly do something like this and have mass every day while this was going on."

Right, but how surprised would you be if Judith turned out to be Jeremy, a seven-year-old choir boy? And, what, this guy should control his sexual urges, as promised? We thought as much. Meanwhile, Rev. Elvis and Judy dated for several months... until...

...her lover sent an e-mail indicating the presence of a sexually transmitted disease he may have gotten from another woman.

Whoops. Reverend Elvis, The Ladykillin' Priest. The rights have probably been snatched up already, with Ron Howard to direct. It'll do 40 mil opening weekend...

Read the rest here. (P.S. Is anyone surprised that the Catholic Church transfered but did not discipline this creep?)

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While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

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While You Were Sleeping: The Facebook Firing

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:51:00 GMT

It became apparent that a Boston-area football coach was stealing from the school's uniform fund when he made an ATM withdrawal of $500 at 1am while standing next to a strip club.

A teacher in a Daytona-area school district was busted for some sleazy motel sex with her seventeen-year-old male charge.

Miss Louisiana Teen USA lost her title in the most embarrassing way imaginable: for skipping out on a restaurant check (what, they don't pay you enough, toots?) and, adding arrest to injury, leaving her marijuana behind.

David Duchovny filed a lawsuit over that tennis-pro-cheating bullshit story.

We always knew there'd eventual be a news story about some dummy getting busted by their boss for revealing, via a Facebook status update, that they are not actually "sick at home."

[H]e was found out when his boss spotted this Facebook profile update on the day in question, August 21: "Kyle Doyle is not going to work, f*** it I'm still trashed. SICKIE WOO!"

Ha ha, dickweed. Speaking of dickweeds, this guy claimed he was on his way to see Beyonce and that's why a cop shouldn't arrest him for driving like a drunk driver.

A Florida website about politics: "Top 5 reasons McCain could still win." No mention of what our #1 reason would be: "FLORIDA."

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This Week In Gayness: Baton Twirlers Busted For "I Kissed A Girl"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 14:32:00 GMT

Only 30-something percent of California voters are supporting the proposal to ban gay marriage there, but that doesn't stop the measure's wacky supporters from saying "elites" are denying the will of "the people."

Libertarian Presidential candidate Bob Barr is such a nice, well-rounded individual, he won't let anyone use the words "gay" or "lesbian" on his website. Even in a positive manner.

We used to think Canada was the sane, folksy antidote to our crazy U.S. culture, but not after this guy burst onto the national scene there:

David Popescu is running in the 2008 elections as an independent candidate as part of Canada's federal election. Popescu is well known for his radical christian point of view, and his strong opposition to homosexuality, abortion, and stem cell research.
"A young man asked me what I think of homosexual marriages and I said I think homosexuals should be executed," he said. "My whole reason for running is the Bible and the Bible couldn't be more clear on that point." (Toronto Sun)

Bigotry reigns in... Texas. A group of high school cheerleaders were suspended for a routine that include Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl." Lawsuit, anyone? (The school, of course, declined to define its pep-rally-song standards for anyone, even after this national news story.)

A transgender politician in Georgia, accused of fraud and deception in a lawsuit for running as a woman, won that lawsuit... but lost the re-election match anyway.

The lesbian mommas case heads to the Montana Supreme Court.

And the Mad Men of Madison are finally producing television ads geared for gays and lesbians, although don't expect an episode about it on the AMC series anytime soon.

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While You Were Sleeping: Janet Jackson Hospitalized

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:54:00 GMT

Flea is taking a break from the Chili Peppers; he's headed for higher ground at USC.

A judge tossed the infamous lawsuit that alleged New York's Ladies Nights discriminate against men..

Is The View falling apart? Barbara Walters has called a staff meeting on account of... who else?

With the rumor mill buzzing that a discontent Elisabeth Hasselbeck may vacate her cushiony seat on The View for the cool, hard Eames chair of Fox News, it's up to den mother Barbara Walters to restore order on the set of her chat show. True to form, Walters has eschewed hugging it out in favor of a more clinical approach; according to the Chicago Sun-Times, she's had to schedule a staff meeting to deal with the increasingly hot-under-the-collar Hasselbeck. [Defamer]

If this e-mail rumor turns out to be true, it would mean Barack Obama will win the Presidency.

Jesse Ventura's new reality show? Yep, the man who was last seen speaking at Ron Paul's RNC counter-rally, is working on a show about conspiracy theories.

Even bears don't want to go anywhere near hospital waiting rooms these days.

Heath Ledger's insurance company is not letting this thing go quietly.

And Janet Jackson "fell ill" during a soundcheck in Montreal last night and has been in the hospital, with an undisclosed or undiagnosed ailment since then. No other details have been made available. Janet is 42 years old...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

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Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Shoots Boyfriend Over $150

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:09:00 GMT

A top Superior Court official in Cobb County, Georgia resigned after the following allegations were made public:

Sex in a judge's chambers, trysts at local hotels during business hours, obscene phone calls to female workers and a desire to see lesbian sex are among the many accounts of what was going on... for the past two decades.

A new study indicates the pill may lead women to make incorrect mating decisions. Hmm... no comment.

And Paris Hilton is being sued for

declining self-promotion for the first time in her life, TMZ reports that she's being sued for it:
Her 2006 "comedy" "National Lampoon's Pledge This!" was apparently so bad, even Paris wouldn't shill for it. Worldwide Entertainment Group says she got paid a mil — a mil, folks — to act in the movie and then push it on TV and radio. They say she didn't do the latter and so they're going after her in Federal court.

A stripper and another possible shooter wounded the stripper's (ex-)boyfriend over a whopping $150 debt.

Ha, ha: A judge in California allowed the state's colleges to deny entry to Christian students who learned about the Bible instead of evolution.

Obama supporter or just crazy idiot? An overzealous supporter sent Cindy McCain to the hospital today with a "crushing" handshake.

Wait, aren't Pam and Tommy Lee still together? Guess not.

And George W. Bush is sending US troops and sexy socialite Condi Rice to rescue Georgia from a ~~Soviet~~ Russian invasion.

Sloppy Seconds: Carmen Electra's Stripping Tips

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 20:43:00 GMT

A Baltimore cult starved a 19 month old to death for not saying "amen" before eating dinner. His mother, who was a member of 1 Mind Ministries, has been charged with first-degree murder, which suddenly seems insufficient for prosecuting criminals of this magnitude.

Jason Statham was physically removed from the Playboy Mansion, but it's not for stealing Hugh's stable of blonds...

The members of Velvet Revolver may have chosen their new frontman...

...we hope the rumors of Lenny Kravitz being spotted in a recording studio with the band turn out to be totally untrue.

Is this condom ad too bizarre to be sexy or what?

Let's hope Scarlett Johansson doesn't try another cover album.

This woman lost part of her lawsuit settlement because she'd had some amount of alcohol, any amount of alcohol, at the time she was sexually assaulted.

And not to make light of the above, but we conclude with Carmen Electra's stripping tips, some of which include:

"There's a little trick that I've learned from a few dancers, if you wear thigh-high boots, then you don't hurt your legs as much if you're doing pole work. If you do it, you've got to let go and just feel it. It's okay to sort of learn the steps and know what you're going to do with your movement, but once you get there you just have to let it all go. Don't fake it," she said...

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