Scanner : lily allen

Lily Allen Swears off Sex, Won't Stop Teasing Us

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:29:00 GMT

Look, we have no problem if celebrities like Lily Allen want to beg off sex for a while-- hell, at least until we come along. If they're going to do that, we just wish they-- meaning Lily specifically-- would stop showing off ~~their~~ her boobs...

Lily Allen gave an interview, released yesterday, announcing she has decided to remain celibate... to improve her music.

Allen often uses her personal life as inspiration for her hits, but admits she is stuck in a creative rut.

Allen, who has previously dated Chemical Brothers star Ed Simons and art dealer Jay Jopling, is currently single but has decided she won't get involved with any more men, as a sex ban with help her focus on her songs.

According to the Sun, she says, "Sometimes it helps. It's good to get out of your comfort zone and test yourself. I'm just going to see how it goes for a bit. I haven't set a time limit or anything." [Ed. note: Our pick in the betting pool: two hours.]

The singer recently admitted she sometimes deliberately sabotages her relationships in a bid to improve her song-writing: "I've actually broken up with boyfriends for inspiration. When I hit a period of not being able to write music, I get up and I walk away. It's pretty mean - but it's true." [SF Gate]

That didn't stop her from stepping out (as they say in the British tabloids) of a London restaurant the other night in this seethrough dress. Lily Allen, please change your crappy music... but don't change your excellent fashion sense. Evidence here:

Related:

TSA Shows Some T&A

Did You Miss The Sex Workers' Art Show Tour?

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Celebrity Couplings We Can Get Behind

Emily Farris — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Contrary to what our incessant blogging about couples like Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz (PENIS!) might lead you to believe, we really don't care too much about celebrity couples. Really! But sometimes when two people seem so perfect for each other our need to match-make in the real world seeps into our blogging life. And now that a certain young lady who loves to show us her boobs is Tweeting about how much she loves a certain young man who would show us his boobs if he had them, we feel we need to do our part to make this romance happen.

Yes, folks, apparently Lily Allen "[thinks she's] in love with john mayer. I watched a DVD of one of his concerts last night, on the bus. His guitar playing is mesmerising. Sexy.”

Say what you will about Lily Allen, but we love her. She's one of the few celebrities we imagine we could get drunk with and get in trouble with and still end up liking her. And though we think she could do better than John Mayer, we just want the girl to be happy. Therefore, we totally endorse this possible union.

[FadedYouth: LILY ALLEN AND JOHN MAYER…?]

Related:

Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

This weekend's election in Spain went well for European conservatives, who routed the socialists in this strangely-headlined story.

A rape crisis center raised a few eyebrows by featuring a nearly-naked dancer as its headliner for a fundraiser.

The Jonas Brothers didn't have the world's greatest weekend...

U2 played one of their famous rooftop gigs.

The pointless CPAC straw poll went in favor of Mitt Romney, with Jindal in second and Palin in fourth. (Remember, John McCain finished fourth last time...)

Glen Hansard wants you to hear this classic Van Morrison record.

Lily Allen hates the New York Times because the "cheap skanks" did something she didn't appreciate.

Siegfried and Roy performed a farewell show... with their tiger. Yeah, that tiger.

A woman about to marry a Royal is featured topless in an upcoming movie.

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen's Wrecking Ball Rolls On

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:10:00 GMT

Octomom won't date? Then she has every intention of raising all 14 kids by herself, even though she clearly considers plastic surgery, media attention, and getting pregnant again her top priorities? Sorry, but it's time for someone to look into whether her kids should be taken in by the state.
And if you think we're being harsh-- it turns out she hasn't been paying the mortgage either, in favor of fertility treatments.

Did you know five states ban atheists from holding office? No wonder Arkansas is so backwards.

Just in time for that movie that looks terrible in YouTube clips: Watchmen condoms.

The Lily Allen wrecking ball continues its epic roll through America, into the Bahamas. Don't worry, we'll stop talking about her... just as soon as she stops doing stuff like this. (By the way, we're not saying she should stop doing stuff like this-- don't misunderstand, we don't care if she gyrates on the pole... that Elizabeth Berkeley is licking. Nope, not even that would raise our eyebrows.)

Always take a cab when you're drunk-- even if you don't own a car.

Speaking of cars, say goodbye to those ugly-ass Hummers.

And the headline of the Day: Glenn Patrol Car Rammed by Naked Man in a Truck [emphasis added]

The Cross-Dressing Mafia Kingpin Makes Gangsters Seem So Much More Cuddly

While You Were Sleeping: Sean Penn's Pick For Best Actor

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 14:42:00 GMT

An 83-year-old woman in Hungary warms our hearts by continuing to work in her chosen career: crime.

Amy Fisher is going on that rumored stripping tour.

There's a penis in Grand Theft Auto IV! Guess they have to do something to offset the rampant exploitation of women.

Funniest headline of the day: "'Clinton Lays Out Broad Asian Agenda'. This headline makes sense no matter how you arrange the words."

Try the clit pump-nasal spray combo for mind-blowing female orgasms!

How can you not love Sam Donaldson after this clip from a Wonkette/Gawker interview he did?

Jane's Addiction is back... and Nine Inch Nails says goodbye.

The Democrats in Congress are enjoying a rare boom in popularity thanks to the stimulus.

Check out the hamburger dress. Actually, don't bother.

Yay for Dita Von Teese, who insists she'd chose her stripping career over a man any day.

You should read this MTV story about the Lily Allen-Perez Hilton Twitter spat only because it's hilariously sad.

Related:

Eternal Hardons Landing Men in ER

Bedpost Beta Will Make You Feel Like The Slut You Really Are

No Foreplay For You

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Pic via Drunken Stepfather

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bristol Palin spoke out and admitted she was unprepared for motherhood.

What does the first female minister mean for Saudi Arabia?

After weeks of media obsession, prosecutor's zeal, and ridiculous wastes of energy, Michael Phelps is not going to be charged with possession of anything.

These Valentine's Day secrets are actually heartbreaking.

With all these bird attacks on airplanes, you gotta wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer is working on a remake of that Hitchcock movie yet.

Some guy bought a phone containing numbers for Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, and Natalie Portman on ebay. Yep, that's about it-- and no, he didn't share them with us.

Like we said, Lily Allen is often annoying.

Somebody hacked Miley Cyrus. Of course, seeing as it was Twitter, they wrote a bunch of nonsense and wasted our time.

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

While You Were Sleeping: Is This The Dumbest Woman in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Some band called The Fray has the #1 album in the United States. Remember what we said yesterday about Lily Allen having #1's and no one knowing who she is? It's a trend.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are engaged. Mark our words-- these two will stayed married forever, or at least four months.

Want to know how much Facebook is worth? Nothing, and dropping. (Okay, really, it's allegedly in the billions... until Twitter takes over the social networking market.)

Here she is: the first famous homeless woman.

Wait, how do you get into a relationship with possible murderer Drew Peterson, go on TV, tell the whole world you were just using him, and then go right back into a relationship with him? We hate to say it, but we have no sympathy left for what might happen to this woman, who may be the dumbest in the world. She's been warned.

One reality show contestant showed San Francisco liberals can be just as awful at dealing with humans as everyone else.

Nicolette Sheridan is quitting Desperate Housewives.

Headline of the day: "Zorro in custody."

Today in Unlikely Couples: David Spade and....

While You Were Sleeping: Sex and Chocolate

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Lily Allen

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 21:09:00 GMT

Lily Allen, I don't know your music. Lily Allen, I'm not even sure why you're famous-- I believe there were some hit singles a few years back and your most recent song is #1 in Britain right now. But #1 hits don't mean anything these days... you really need a good topless scandal... or a pregnancy... or a public spat with Elton John...

Okay, you've done all those things...

Your topless scandal was boring though, since you had died your hair a hideous blond tint. The fight with Elton John was in poor taste because you expressed your tacky love for cocaine. But all is forgiven, Lily Allen, because you have gone back to being incredibly hot.

Last night, Lilly performed at the Bowery Ballroom in New York City as part of one of those fake "secret shows" MySpace has been doing. (Remember MySpace? It was that thing that was hot that one time?) She wore a dress that revealed so little, even this pervy photographer for Brooklyn Vegan couldn't get a crotch shot. And that's just another reason for us to love her all the more...

Via BrooklynVegan.

Related:

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

While You Were Sleeping: Carrie Underwood's Dress Was Too Short

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 14:41:00 GMT

Say hello the new iPhone.

What insurance company allowed Clive Owen to run through a market in Istanbul while pointing a gun?

Ah, Lily Allen, here's an even better way to use Google: to find out why Miley Cyrus hates Chinese people.

The woman in the Italian Terri Schiavo debate has died. And things are only getting uglier...

What do you do when the restaurant you patronize has run out of lemonade? If you're this guy, you dial 911.

Carrie Underwood thinks there is such a thing as a dress that's "too short." The men of this nation beg to differ.

Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are back together.

And Nick Cannon, who is somehow married to Mariah Carey, will host "Got Talent." Insert your "yeah, but he doesn't" riffs here.

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

Colleen Kane — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:19:00 GMT

Necessity is the mother of invention, so when Lily Allen found herself lacking certain information about herself last June, she simply Googled.

Lily apparently got so drunk at Glamour's Woman of the Year awards last year that she had to be carried out. The next day she discovered to her post-blackout surprise that she'd brought a party home with her-- with celebs, no less, such as Mark Ronson-- but couldn't remember the details of how she got home.

“But I’d passed out in bed and saw my Glamour award on the floor and thought, ‘How did I get home? I Googled myself," she told the UK's Metro paper. Sounds useful, and also like a nightmare. Sometimes it's good to not be famous.

Related:

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

Sloppy Seconds: M.I.A. Is the Most Badass Pregnant Woman on the Planet

Emily Farris — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:58:00 GMT

We don't care what anyone says about Lily Allen, we love her. And we love that she's selling her album, "It's Not Me, It's You," for $3.99. [Yahoo!]

Remember Sheyla Hershey with the racist KKK bra size? Turns out her boobs are filled with an entire gallon of silicone. [APP]

Lux Interior, the lead singer of 80's punk band the Cramps, is dead at 62. [MTV]

Miley Cyrus is not racist. Mmmkay? [Us]

OMFG! One of the NKOTB is not 2 STR8. At least according to the National Enquirer. If it's true, we're not all that surprised. [Jossip]

M.I.A. proves she's more badass than all the badass pregnant ladies (ever) combined: the rapper is going to perform at the Grammys. On her due date. [People]

Related:

A New World Record Bustline

Sheyla Hershey and Her 34FFF Boobs May Be in for a World of Hurt

34FFF Breasted Sheyla Hershey Stacks Another Boob Job On There

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Stephen Fry twittered about getting stuck in an elevator.

Here's a guide to touching boobs.

The latest "save the planet" theory? People should have more sex.

This jerk just won the right to attend a university even though he'd been banned from it for his disgusting feet stench. What, he couldn't just clean it up or cover the smell with super-awesome socks?

New York City is losing its loveable weirdos on an almost daily basis.

Thankfully, New York is still cool... in Legoland.

Zombies attacked Texas... now they're attacking Illinois!

Osama "Sam" Lufti is suing his former client, Britney Spears, and her wacky parents.

And Lily Allen learned that it's best not to even have a joke snowball fight with kids. The snowballs turned brutal and the cops were called in to arrest six children...

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Lily Allen Has Something to Show You

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:15:00 GMT

We're barely even at the "attempting to wakeup" stage on this Monday morning, but luckily, Lily Allen has made another public faux pas that is quickly waking us up.

At this rate, we might even be able to operate heavy machinery or, even better, a margarita blender by noon...

Lily Allen, who has been telling the press about her "lesbian fantasies," took a swipe at G-A-Y fundraiser no-show Britney Spears by dressing up as Spears for an encore of "Womanizer" at the event over the weekend. The pop star, who as of today has a #1 single on the UK charts, dressed up in a sluttastic outfit that had the paparazzi like the attack dogs they most certainly are. A few of them tried to stick their cameras under her dress as she exited her car to sing at the event in Great Britain.

Fortunately for us, the Sun, the Daily Mail, and virtually ever other English publication caught the moment when she decided to sort of "moon" the crowd. We bring you only the highest quality source-- because you deserve it:

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: What's With All the Kate Hate?

Top 5 Salma Hayek Sex Scenes

Stars, They're Just Like Us: Ashton Hates His "F@#king Jackass Neighbor", Too!

The Gamer Next Door Models Your Last-Minute Gifts

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Emily Farris — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:27:00 GMT

"I was on the sofa and I had them both. I was dancing and shoving my ass on one of them," Lily Allen recently revealed to Gay Times...

Luckily (or unfortunately for some of you out there) it's a lot less exciting and a little less incestuous than you think. "Snogging," apparently, is what the Brits call making out. But the ever-classy Perez Hilton ran this headline anyway: Lily Allen Says She Had Sex With Twin Lesbians.

Sorry if that's disappointing. Maybe this will help: Lily did say, "That’s the only time, but I have lesbian dreams a lot.”

We would just like to take this opportunity (er, teachable moment?) to say that just because twins are lesbians does mean they should be lesbians TOGETHER.

[Perez Hilton via The Frisky]

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Zooey Deschanel's Next Record

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

**Sloppy Seconds: Lily Allen Would Very Much Like Sir Elton John to F*ck Off, Seriously**

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

Your Daily Dose of Boobies: Lily Allen

While You Were Sleeping: Zooey Deschanel's Next Record

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:16:00 GMT

Lily Allen's bizarre, Amy Winehouse-style rampage continues.

The stars react to their surprise Oscar nominations.

Who do you think said this: "I know people will find that as another thing to hate me on, but fuck it. I'm open to doing porn. Hell, I'll even do bisexual scenes - myself, another man and a woman, or just me and two women. I know people will find that as some weird shit, but I am who I am." The answer? Kanye West.

It's definitely over between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling, friends. Macadams is now dating Josh Lucas.

Good for Young Jeezy for standing up to Bill O'Reilly: "I felt it was necessary."

Right-wing Democrat Kirsten Gillibrand is likely to be named as Hillary Clinton's replacement in the Senate about the time you read this.

And Zooey Deschanel is working with M. Ward on their followup to She & Him: Volume One. Hopefully, her fiancee, Ben Gibbard, will refrain from droning on in his lyric writing during their rumored collaboration.

What Do Christian Bale And Kermit The Frog Have In Common?

Today's Topless PETA Roundup

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Sends Topless Pic To Wrong Guy

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Marcia Cross' husband is being treated for cancer.

Tens of millions of credit/debit card numbers were compromised in a major security breach. The biggest problem-- we don't know which numbers were affected.

Amy Winehouse's father says she was near death on two occasions. Only two? We're guessing that's counting "continuously for 14 months" as one of the occasions...

Is this the kissing capital of the world? No, but the legend's pretty good.

This is the scariest police officer ever. And that includes the guy who attacked the Times Up cyclist.

We've all worried about calling the wrong "Steve" or "Jessica" in our phones, but now Lily Allen's got us freaked out about picture messaging our phone photos to the wrong person.

A 107-year-old African-American woman who knew MLK when he was a kid was beyond thrilled by Obama's inauguration.

And Ted Kennedy, who collapsed during the inaugural luncheon, having suffered a seizure, appears to be improving and is expected to leave .

Related:

Yes, Ma'am(aries)! Royal Army Corproal Busted For Moonlighting As Expensive Hooker

Boy Wages Internet Campaign To Stop Cussing, With Predictably Hilarious Results

C-Love in HEEB's Wasted Issue

This Week in Gayness: Sean Penn and Mickey Rourke Get Personal

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Things seem to be looking up for Jennifer Hudson this year. Rumor has it, she may be singing the "Star Spangled Banner" for Obama's inauguration. [Radar]

Matt Dillon is facing a possible three months in jail if convicted for driving 103 miles an hour in a 65-mph zone. [Us]

John Travolta's son, Jett, is dead at 16. [Gawker]

Who is Lily Allen's new gray-haired mystery man? [FadedYouth]

The men's room at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport where Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex is losing its appeal as a tourist destination. [Queerty]

Like her mother before her, Bristol Palin went straight back to ~~work~~ school days after the birth of her son. Or so her mother would like us to know. [People]

Like us, Kate Winslet does not go to the gym. Unlike us, it works for her. [FameCrawler]

Related:

What's It Like Having Sex With Leonardo DiCaprio?

While You Were Sleeping: Kate Winslet's Underage Sex

Kate Winslet Takes it Off for Vanity Fair

Sloppy Seconds: And Just How Will Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson Make a Baby?

Emily Farris — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:28:00 GMT

Lily Allen says she's "dying inside" after telling Elton John to "fuck off" while presenting at an awards show. [Handbag]

Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres opened her show with two firsts today. 1. It was the first time she was wearing a thong and 2. It was the first time she opened her show as a married lady. Congrats on both accounts, Ellen! [People]

We're going to hurry this up so we can go get our Sarah Palin action figures, so hurry up and click through. [SarahPalinActionFigure.com]

Good, bad, or ugly? Madonna dedicated "Like a Virgin" to the Pope at a recent show. [MTV]

Okay, we admit, Lindsay Lohan is too young to have kids, but if the rumors are true, she wants to get knocked up. Now, condsidering she ("supposedly") has a girlfriend, this might involve a few more steps than your average Hollywood starlet. And if the rumors following the rumors are true, Lilo and Sam are considering some of Lindsay's exes for sperm donors. [FameCrawler]

Previously:

Sloppy Seconds: Lily Allen Would Very Much Like Sir Elton John to F*ck Off, Seriously

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Sloppy Seconds: Lily Allen Would Very Much Like Sir Elton John to F*ck Off, Seriously

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 21:49:00 GMT

Our not-so-slutty sister thinks that vetting Sarah Palin is like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but funnier. We would like to take this opportunity to disclose that we have not been fully vetted. [FameCrawler]

At least she passes Elisabeth Hasselbeck's test with flying colors, because you know it's super complicated and makes lots of sense. [MollyGood]

Will celebrities please stop throwing things? First it was Russell Crowe with his cell phone, then Naomi Campbell. Now Akon, probably best known for "Smack That," is facing criminal charges after being accused of throwing a fan off of stage — and we're not talking about the small appliance. [Yahoo!]

If you're a shitty asshole who would like to hunt down women who've had abortions, you may be in luck. Abortion Tracker claims to have a record of every woman who's had an abortion since 1940 and they'll make the list available to you for one easy paymennt of $799. [Jezebel]

Anne Hathaway apparently loaned her businessman ex hundreds of thousands of dollars before the couple split earlier this summer, proving that even rich guys can be loser bums (except, we actually already knew that). [Starpulse]

Even though they ganked our feature, we have to give it to dListed for catching this who would you rather: Dog the Bounty Hunter or his wife, Beth? Um, can we vote for the dog? [dListed]

Of all the people in the world we'd like to tell to "fuck off," Elton John doesn't even come close to making the list. Not so for Lilly Allen who drunkently disrepescted the singer at the GQ Men of the Year Awards. [MTV]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week That Was All About The Ladies

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 23:03:00 GMT

Well, it was about all of the ladies but one, and we were pretty okay with that. But seriously, if you like ladies, you'll love this week's Highs and Lows.

Highs:

Scanner Emily finally met and then got a booty call from ~~Scanner~~ Salon Sarah.

We finally understand what trust is.

Bob Dylan commented on a presidential election for probably the first time in our lifetime.

We found a new TV show about sex to obsess over.

Babeland is one step closer to Scanner Nicole, one giant step closer to a bunch of babies.

We watched a totally fucking hot Dita Von Teese striptease. A Dita Von Tease?

We agreed to show Jon Lajoie our girl parts.

2 Girls, 1 Cup birthday cake. Need we say more? Except we'd be totally down for 2 Girls, 1 Cake.

The "Sex and the City" movie made a pretty penny.

We clicked for boobies, but you should continue to do so.

We learned Scanner readers have big hearts: as of Friday afternoon, 53% of you wanted to comfort Lily Allen by sporking her.

We also learned that Scanner readers have not only a good knowledge of viruses and their plural forms but that you have good taste as well: as of Friday afternoon 88% of you would rather have chicken pox in your vagina than a Rachael Ray tattoo on your back (whew.)

Scanner Brian was really nice to Hillary Clinton.

And we saluted her.

Lows:

In the end, Clinton lost the Democratic nomination. Probably a high for the party, but a low for the Clintons (though we bet Bill is a little secretly relieved).

But we celebrated the women's vote.

Scanner Bryan left us for an Island.

We were a little saddened to hear a woman say that women can't cook and fuck well.

But this made us even sadder for women.

We asked you to help us figure out what the hell is up with all the springtime break-ups. But we still don't really know.

The man who put women in sexy pants died in France.

Spoon or Spork: Lily Allen?

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 21:09:00 GMT

We like Lily Allen, we really do. Her music is catchy and she seems like the kind-of girl we'd want to get drunk with at the pub then sneak off to eat our weight in Yorkshire pudding.

So we felt really bad for her a few months ago when she miscarried, then we got strangely excited for her when her naked cliff jumping pictures appeared all over the interwebs. Though we were less excited that she had dyed her hair all blonde for that jumping adventure, we're surprisingly okay with the pink (even though we generally hate pink hair) she chose for Glamour's Women of the Year Awards last night.

But... everyone has bad nights, and Allen is probably still recovering from hers.

Cute shoes! And hey, it looks like she won an award. Way to go, girl!

It also looks like she's probably feeling pretty fucking hungover today.

So clearly she could use a little TLC. Does she just need some good cuddling or could she use a good poke? In other words, spoon or spork? Everyone knows what “spooning” is so we need not repeat the obvious, but “sporking” is a whole other beast. Sporking is a good spooning that turns into a great porking—thus the name.

[The Sun: Drink and you'll end up like this]

Spoon or Spork: Hillary Clinton

Spoon or Spork: Tori Spelling

Spoon or Spork: Cindy McCain?

Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

Scanner Highs and Lows: We See London, We See France, We See Everyone's Everything

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 May 2008 21:42:00 GMT

Spring must really be in the air, because we saw everybody's everything this week—including some we wish we hadn't.

Highs:

We found a way for you to claim your wang name.

This boy saw some girl parts in the White House basement.

We saw this woman's ginormous breasts. And she wants to make them bigger.

We saw a reproduction of Bea Arthur's boobs in celebration of Bea Day (a high for some, a low for others).

We think Miley Cyrus cleaned up her image by gucking up her upper lip.

These big parts are worth some big dough.

We were so close to seeing this woman's areolas.

We saw Angelina Jolie's glorious, uh, twins.

We sure did see Lily Allen's boobs.

Lows:

We wished long and hard we had not seen the parts of this man that we saw.

Animal rape was caught on tape.

If you show us your nipples, we'll measure them.

We got a little too intimate with a tree.

Researchers discovered what we knew all along: getting drunk leads to getting nekkid.

School administration saw way too much of this girl and kicked her out of prom.

Naomi Watts tried unsuccessfully to cover up her nipples.

We should not have seen this doll's boy parts. But we did.

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:54:00 GMT

To be fair, having a broken wrist will do that to a girl.

But the cast is finally off and we plan to take full advantage of the sixteen days left in National Masturbation Month. Which, as Fleshbot points out, is also National Orgasm Month, Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month and, uh, National Salad Month and National Barbeque Month. And Bike Month, and Good Car Keeping Month, but back to the masturbation stuff...

Happy ~~fucking~~ Masturbation Month! We'll do our best to bring you some items to get you in the mood for next couple of weeks. Did Lily Allen's boobs do it for anyone?

Your Daily Dose of Boobies: Lily Allen

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 14:43:00 GMT

British pop star Lily Allen went for a swim without her top on. We just hope she put some sunscreen on those babies. We've had burned boobies before and it is no fun for anyone. NSFW pictures after the jump.

So is this what it's like to be British (if so, how do we join?) or does she have a new album coming out?

[Via Hollywood Tuna]

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Bryan Christian — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:48:00 GMT

OMG! Lily Allen is coming between Harry Potter stars Emma Watson and Rupert Grint! Couldn't you just DIE?

Lily Allen caused tension between Harry Potter stars Rupert Grint and Emma Watson - after calling the young actor while he was on a shopping trip with his pretty co-star.
And when Emma, 17, saw it was Lily calling Rupert’s mobile while he was busy trying on a suit in Armani, she slammed the phone down on her.
[...]
Adds the source: “Emma listened to the person on the phone for a bit and then she said: ‘We’re busy right now, like you should be, Lily.’

Daaaaaaaamn! Hermione be all hardcore, bringin' the broom down hawd and shit! Hang on, are any of these people even dating? We thought Emma was canoodling with Daniel Radcliffe. And we must ask: Lily should be "busy" doing what, exactly, Emma? Getting over that horrible month she had where she had a miscarriage, broke up with her boyfriend, and got dumped as a lingerie model? Seriously, cut the kid some slack. She's got a third nipple, for crying out loud, and we all know what a terrible toll that can take on a person.

Oh, you didn't know she had a third nipple? Would you like to see it? So would we, actually, so meet us back here after the jump and we'll watch the video together, like a family should.

Sloppy Seconds: Need Something for Your Gym Shorts With Hasselhoff's Face On It?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:28:00 GMT

We've got a bunch of junk we'd like to stuff in Hasselhoff's bag.

Holy shit: New drug sweeping Florida youth is an inhalant made from urine and fecal matter.

Documents detailing exactly how David Copperfield was creepy and predatory released to the Internets.

No. We do not want to see your sex-year-old tango in four-inch heels with glitter sprayed to her face.

Lily Allen to be new spokesperson for Agent Provocateur.