Scanner : lindsay lohan

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Desperate Living

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 May 2009 14:24:00 GMT

Holly Madison rebounded from Hugh Hefner with... Russell Brand?

We have to agree: this or any other ad for the pill is going to piss off the stuffy-butthole-people.

A quick thinking teenage boy saved his 4-year-old sister from being kidnapped when he actually raced after and caught up to the truck she was being driven off in.

Another teenage boy, who needs to spend more time thinking, is going to jail for setting another guy's dick and balls on fire.

This is gonna be grand: Martin Scorsese is making a movie about Sinatra.

Elton John was there for Eminem in his hour of need, helping him through the painful process of rehab.

Emily mentioned this yesterday: Shanna Moakler resigned from the pageant board following yesterday's press conference on Carrie Prejean. Did you know that she was also Miss USA and a Playboy centerfold? Hmmm...

The marriage bra is... uh... useless? A major turnoff? Creepy? Stupid? All of the above and more?

Lindsay Lohan's house is in such shit shape, complete with garbage everywhere, that the police thought it had been ransacked when they responded to a tripped alarm.

Related:

New X-Men Movie Sounds Like a Pile of Wolf Sh*t

While You Were Sleeping: The Top Gunning Lesbian

"You Traitor Pig!"

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

PA DA Threatening to Jail 11-Year-Olds For Sexting

While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Facebook

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

The feminist porn awards sounds like a show somebody forgot to e-mail us an invite to.

Real-life lawyers working in Second Life law-- is there anything funnier?

A woman is suing her bank for telling her husband about her secret $150K account.

Question of the day: "If Dick Cheney believes he can prove that torture saved us from terrorist attacks, why does he oppose a full investigation?"

How funny is it that a major movie studio is remaking a movie as fucked up as Videodrome?

Police broke up a drug dealing operation... run by fifth graders.

The Flaming Lips won-- their biggest single is unofficially officially the state song of Oklahoma... or something.

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are finally tying the knot next month.

Felony Franks-- the world's most badass hotdog stand.

And Lindsay Lohan may be back together with that DJ girlfriend of hers.

Don't Use Facebook on Your Sick Day, Silly

The PETA Empire Strikes Back

While You Were Sleeping: Teacher Sex Never Gets Old

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:51:00 GMT

The famous Calendar Girls are back... and sexier/older than ever, of course.

Lindsay Lohan talked to saintly Ellen Degeneres about her breakup with Samantha Ronson.

The verdict against The Pirate Bay has been thrown into question after the defense was able to tie the judge to "the copyright lobby."

The Weekly Vice had three stories yesterday that caught our attention: one was about a teacher who sent a turd home with a student who may have taken a dump in her class, and the other two were about teachers have sex with underage students. Our kind of news day.

Defamer wonders whether the titan of independent film is going out of business.

As if True Blood needs anymore sex appeal: Evan Rachel Wood is joining the HBO series.

Maybe the wedding is real after all: Spencer Pratt reportedly spent a quarter of a million dollars on his bride-to-be in the lead up to tomorrow's (fake?) wedding.

Sarah Palin has had to set up a legal defense fund to help fight all the ethics complaints against her.

Here's your dumbass of the day: a woman broke into a minimum security prison to have sex with her boyfriend, proceeded to have a loud argument with him the alerted everyone to her presence, and was arrested at the scene after her boyfriend escaped.

While You Were Sleeping: The Revenge of Levi Johnston

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 14:02:00 GMT

The IMF says we'll have to stick it out one more year before an economic recovery.

Japanese boy bands are all growing up and getting naked and drunk and arrested.

The third Twilight film will be directed by a man. Man, woman, Werner Herzog-- no matter what gender is at the helm, it's still going to blow.

Mel Gibson's alleged mistress is keeping a sex diary comparing all the different men she's slept with.

Rick Ross claims rapper 50 Cent is finished. Woo hoo! Can we finish off the rest of these no-talent top 40 artists along with him?

Levi Johnston has gone from being the #1 puppet in the Palin VP campaign to the biggest threat to her 2012 chances.

The new American family: Dad robs people, Mom drives the getaway minivan, and the kids play inside the car.

This sounds like one kickass documentary.

"Dog" the Bounty Hunter was nearly killed in Colorado after a suspect shot at him during an attempted arrest.

And Lindsay Lohan is dating dudes again-- this time, Brits are on her hit list.

PapSmeared: Lindsay Lohan and Her Side Boob Could Use a Hamburger

Emily Farris — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 16:14:00 GMT

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While You Were Sleeping: Lindsay Lohan's Strip Show

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:04:00 GMT

Christopher Hitchens recalls the night no one wanted him to get loaded, so he went to Hunter Thompson's house to get bombed and fire off some guns. Someone explain to me why life is worth living without that man in this world.

Tomorrow's South Park is about pirates.

An Australian town chorus posed nude for charity.

The Food Network Magazine benefits in this economy-- maybe because no one can afford food, so they decide to read about? Not sure on this one.

Madonna may have lied about paparazzi causing her fall from a horse. Ya think?

This guy is right about his water bill-- there's no way he used 300,000 gallons in one month... and he's also right that no one, not even a well-meaning anonymous donor should have to pay the price for the water company's clerical error.

Rumors are brewing that Lindsay Lohan is considering joining a topless revue. Man, the internet will believe anything Perez Hilton tells them, huh?

And Stephen Hawking is apparently in serious condition in an English hospital.

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

While You Were Sleeping: Slumdog Millionaire Horrors Continue

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

A great national tragedy in New Zealand as a sex shop endures a trial by fire.

JG Ballard, author of Crash (the David Cronenberg movie) and Empire of the Sun, died after a long battle with cancer.

This 100-year-old Italian woman, a Nobel-prize winner in medicine, is still working.

Here's one you'll love: a $3.3 million lottery winner has opened a dude nude ranch.

The little girl from Slumdog Millionaire is in danger of being sold off by her father for 200,000 English pounds.

The tombs of both Cleopatra and Marc Antony may have been discovered.

Everything is the fault of the paps, even Madonna's equestrian injury over the weekend.

Everything Obama touches turns into an Amazon.com bestseller.

Somehow we don't believe Leonardo DiCaprio would have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan, but stranger things happen every day.

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

LiLo's Looking for Love Again

Colleen Kane — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:14:00 GMT

Hey everybody, Lindsay Lohan got an acting job! She's in this spoof dating profile video for eHarmony made by FunnyOrDie. She does a good job of playing herself; she got that post-coke-party ragged voice down perfectly.

Just don't hate on the eHarmony...one of my bffs met her bf on there, and they justgotengagedonSunday! Squeal!

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Lies My Father Told Me

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

While You Were Sleeping: Gay Marriage in New York State?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 13:15:00 GMT

This adorable cat is a master clothing thief.

Lindsay Lohan says she's humiliated by her breakup with Samantha Ronson. If we were a hot movie star and Sam Ronson dumped us, we'd be pretty upset, too. Oh, and Ronson denies she took out a restraining order, but anyway...

Our favorite political story of the year so far: "Dead Mayor reelected"

OctoCrazy's inheritance and some overtime funded the in vitro. So now you know how she made all that rent money she burned.

Mounties grow mustaches to support charity-- can't wait for the "After" photos.

Obama congratulated the Tar Heels coach with a phone call from Air Force One.

Are you a habitual job hopper?

This Zac Efron-Vanessa Hudgens Funny or Die video featuring a star-studded cast is well worth your time. Just be careful where you watch it-- there are a few LOL moments.

Gay porn star Jack Wrangler died. He had been married to a woman for many years. The interesting details are here.

Embattled New York State Governor David Paterson said he will introduce a bill to legalize gay marriage. Fingers crossed...

Zac Efron's Sexual Awakening

Zac Efron Mud Wrestles A Nude Model

Sloppy Seconds: Missouri's Weekend at Bernie's... Two

Emily Farris — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 23:07:00 GMT

Jamie Waylett, who plays Vincent Crabble in the Harry Potter movies has been arrested on charges of possessing some magic herbs. [The Inquisitr]

What? More Star Trek? When will it ever end? [Yahoo!]

Remember earlier today when we said we had no idea what was going on with our state of Missouri? It gets worse. The town of Winfield, MO elected Harry Stonebraker to his fourth term as mayor yesterday. Too bad he died a month ago. It should be noted that this is not the first time Missourians have elected a dead man. [SNAFU-ed]

A crew has taken back a U.S. ship from Somali pirates! [NPR]

Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston said this morning that certain members of the Palin family are lying liars and that he sure as hell was living in sin with Bristol. [Us]

Lindsay Lohan may be heartbroken over her split with Samantha Ronson, but Lohan's grandmother is heartbroken over the split-up of the Lohan family. [People]

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse's Topless Problem

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:39:00 GMT

PETA is now protesting seal clubbing... in World of Warcraft.

We don't think this is the same story about a man having his penis bitten off (by another man!) that we told you about already. In this story, the attacker... swallowed.

Samantha Ronson has asked for a restraining order against Lindsay Lohan.

Great, we already own all these damn Beatles albums. Does that mean we'll get the remastered ones for free?

Man, some people will do anything for web traffic. Here's a really ridiculous Down Shirt (the new Upskirt?) on Taylor Swift. Good Lord, she's only 18, people...

Members of Congress met with Raul Castro in Havana today.

A guy who works for Focus on the Family in Colorado has been arrested for talking dirty with a 15-year-old girl, who was actually undercover cops.

The Bush shoe thrower's sentenced has been reduced and he'll be out of jail next year.

And Amy Winehouse went streaking "through a hotel after being told to cover up." Guests were shocked to see her racing by them in the nude, but they shouldn't have been surprised unless they didn't know she was staying there.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Amy Winehouse is "Back in the Saddle"

While You Were Sleeping: Diablo Cody's Super Porno Limo Rides

Amy Winehouse, Topless Again, Stars in Her Most Bizarre Adventure Yet

At Least Amy Winehouse Has Good Taste in Underwear

While You Were Sleeping: Jennifer Aniston Milking It

While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:12:00 GMT

Charley Pride: country music legend and our Hero of the Day, no question.

This man's stripper addiction costs him pretty much his entire salary. Dude, you can rent a harem in most countries, including the US, every night of the week, for what you're throwing away in English pounds.

Spencer Tunick won't be showing naked Irish people to Ireland after all.

This is a tragic(ally hilarious?) tale of Mile High Club action gone wrong.

Don't text while driving-- it can cost you years of prison time.

Google Voice is coming to the iPhone. In other news, Scanner Brian may be coming to the iPhone today...

We told you about how meddling Puritan Republicans basically banned porn at Maryland State schools. Thankfully, the students aren't giving up
so easily...

Did Sam and Lindsay really break up this time? And does this mean this is the last time we'll ever have to mention their names in writing?

And Foxy Brown slipped a nip in concert. That is all you need to know.

Website Stockpiles Your Worst In-Flight Experiences

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Ryanair Stewardess Wants You to Join Her Mile High Club

Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

Teacher In Lesbian Sex Scandal Story Not Helping

Sloppy Seconds: Lindsay Lohan's Car Crash

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:01:00 GMT

An Italian doctor performing brain surgery suffered a heart attack during the operation, but completed it anyway at the risk of his own life.

Amy Poehler's new show is in trouble already.

If the police can't stop a woman's stalker from harassing her on and off for a year-and-a-half, isn't she allowed to take the law into her own hands? Isn't it self-defense?

Lindsay Lohan was involved in her third car accident in as many weeks. Then she goes and says she never "drinks, do[es] drugs, or lie[s.]" We believe that, yep.

It was inevitable: Nevada plans to tax prostitution at $5 a pop.

Robin Williams is in Ohio, recovering from heart surgery.

Sometimes sex tapes are helpful: a guy recorded a prositute giving him a blow job, then used the video as evidence when the hooker and her boyfriend robbed him.

Turns out, those weren't nude photos of Australian right-wing kook Pauline Hanson after all. Oh well, whatever helped her lose the election is fine with us.

Wacko Right-Wing Politician Hit With Nude Photo Scandal

World Naked Bike Ride Takes Over the Southern Hemisphere

PETA Has Really Gone and Done it Now

Trend Alert: Women Leaving Men For Other Women

Emily Farris — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 22:13:00 GMT

The lesbians are coming! Apparently more and more women are leaving men for other women. And Oprah and her eponymous magazine are all over that L train.

Don't get too excited. Oprah isn't leaving Stedman for her best friend and the mgazine's Editor-at-Large Gayle King just yet. But in an article in the April issue of O, Mary A. Fischer writes about the trend.

Lately, a new kind of sisterly love seems to be in the air. In the past few years, Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon left a boyfriend after a decade and a half and started dating a woman (and talked openly about it). Actress Lindsay Lohan and DJ Samantha Ronson flaunted their relationship from New York to Dubai. Katy Perry's song "I Kissed a Girl" topped the charts. The L Word, Work Out, and Top Chef are featuring gay women on TV, and there's even talk of a lesbian reality show in the works. Certainly nothing is new about women having sex with women, but we've arrived at a moment in the popular culture when it all suddenly seems almost fashionable—or at least, acceptable.

Thirty-eight-year-old Macarena Gomez-Barris divorced her husband, the father of her two children, after the fact that her academic career took off and her husband stayed home to play Mr. Mom. It was a relationship that didn't work for them. But when Gomez-Barris met openly-gay Judith Halberstam, PhD, a professor of English, American studies and ethnicity, and gender studies at USC—"the most take charge person [she'd] ever met"—she wondered if a relationship with this woman had more of what she was looking for. And she was right. And definitely not the only one.

Statistics on how many women have traded boyfriends and husbands for girlfriends are hard to come by. Although the U.S. Census Bureau keeps track of married, divorced, single, and even same-sex partners living together, it doesn't look for the stories behind those numbers. But experts like Binnie Klein, a Connecticut-based psychotherapist and lecturer in Yale's department of psychiatry, agree that alternative relationships are on the rise. "It's clear that a change in sexual orientation is imaginable to more people than ever before, and there's more opportunity—and acceptance—to cross over the line," says Klein, noting that a half-dozen of her married female patients in the past few years have fallen in love with women. "Most are afraid that if they don't go for it, they'll end up with regrets."

What follows are some pretty interesting facts and ideas about women who are now more open to relationships with other women.

Read the rest at O Magazine.

Related:

Lesbians Love Angelina Jolie

Can You Tell Which Celebrity Couple is Immortalized in These Lipstick Tubes?

Oprah's New Diet May Induce Diarrhea, Headaches and Time Travel

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Sloppy Seconds: Gwyneth Paltrow Has a Cure for Joaquin Phoenix

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 23:01:00 GMT

A round-up of those who are about to die. On TV, of course. [EW]

Is South by Southwest is a pointlless party? [Gawker]

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson apparently came this close to joining the mile high club on a recent Virgin Atlantic flight. [Mile High Club Book]

Researchers say a compound often found in cosmetics and foods like ice cream could help prevent the spread of HIV when used in lube. [CollegeNews]

When we find out a guy we think is cute can't spell, we get really disappointed. Same goes for Joanna Angel. But hey, she Twitters some pretty great stuff. [Twitter]

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks her buddy Joaquin Phoenix needs some street cred if he's doing to keep rapping. She thinks he should take a trip to the projects. [People]

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While You Were Sleeping: The Top Models Brawl

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

Charlie Sheen's wife gave birth to twin boys. Wonder what that childhood's gonna be like...

Political turncoat Ron Silver died of cancer at the age of 62. Silver was most recently known for appearing on The West Wing.

An arrest warrant was issued for Lindsay Lohan over the weekend; she faces a hearing today.

The right-wing came out swinging at Jon Stewart over the Jim Cramer-Brawl Street business, none more pathetically than Tucker Carlson, who denied being a "partisan hack."

At an America's Next Top Model cattle call (that's a term, not a slur) in New York, three women were arrested when some idiots yelled "there's a bomb," probably to cut ahead in line, and a full-on brawl/stampede ensued.

Lionel Richie worried that his female fans would stop throwing their panties at him if he became a grandfather.

This trailer makes painting seem so badass.

Race to Witch Mountain easily dethroned The Watchmen over the weekend.

And how would you like this job? Kylie Minogue was paid $1 million for performing a single song for Bollywood.

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

PapSmeared: Lindsay Lohan "Maybe if I Hide Behind My Hand They Won't See Me"

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:53:00 GMT

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Madonna Does Marilyn Monroe Then Lindsay Lohan Does Marilyn Monroe Then Lindsay Lohan Does Madonna

Emily Farris — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 20:07:00 GMT

As part of its American Icons special issue, Glamour has dressed Lindsay Lohan up as Madonna, of course, like a virgin.

Related:

Hot or Not: Michael Musto's Lindsay Lohan's Marilyn Monroe

Michael Lohan: The Only Person on Earth Who Won't See Lindsay Lohan's Breasts

We're Done Thinking of Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe: UPDATED

Madonna's Very Hairy Bush Expected to Go for $15K at Christie's

Sloppy Seconds: Wanda Sykes Says "I Do"

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 01:11:00 GMT

We usually wait until we have a mid-week lull to watch Flight of the Conchords (On Demand, baby!) but we're going to watch it as soon as we're done writing this post just so we can see the "Garfunkeling" in better quality. Also, why is it that Jemaine is the only one ever getting laid? [Jezebel]

A woman who was pulled over for breast-feeding her baby while driving gave a TV interview about it while breast-feeding her baby. She said the baby wasn't willing to wait for the milk at that time (when she was driving, and apparently also when she was giving the interview). Um, okay. [WLFI]

Umm... Skittles are now Twittering. Taste the rainbow? (Is this how Twitter is going to make money?) [TechnologyExpert]

Jennifer Aniston is still talking about her divorce from Brad Pitt. But to be fair, if we were her, we probably would be, too. [Jossip]

Rumor has it Lindsay Lohan's friends are now on Lilo death watch. [FadedYouth]

Recently-out Wanda Sykes has teamed up with a California non-profit to educate the public on equal marriage. [AfterEllen]

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

We try not to dwell on the weight fluctuations of celebrities, since our greatest collective fear on this blog is-- shot in the dark-- that someone will point out our own problems with bacon cheeseburgers and failed diet plans.

But when the entire internet is worried that Lindsay Lohan is starving herself to death, we really have no choice but to investigate. Thankfully, we didn't have to spend all our waking hours on this or stare too hard at the evidence... it's pretty clear from this topless shoot Lohan did recently for Hedi Slimane that there's at least one thing wrong with her...

Drumroll, rimshot... she has fake boobs.

For years, scientists and other observers (i.e. mean bloggers) have commented that Lindsay's bust enhanced at precisely the time she transitioned to "adult" roles. (Unfortunately, not that kind of "adult" role.) No one could say definitively... until now, at least, according to those same mean bloggers. They're playing the "told you so" song and pointing out that the new ultra-skinny Lindsay should have sagging breasts, what with all the weight loss.

In other words, if we were going to title this article more inappropriately, it would be headlined: "The Rise and Rise of Lindsay Lohan's Boobs."

Here's what they're referring to-- the only two boob pictures from the shoot:

What do you think? Does this prove, disprove, or have no bearing on the theories? Also, um, should we give her one of our bacon cheeseburgers or something? Disturbing stuff...

Via Hedi Slimane's website.

Related:

Today in the Apocalypse: Barbie Got Even Skinnier

Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Caption This: Lindsay Lohan's Boobs And Sam Ronson's Eyeline

Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

While You Were Sleeping: The Rihanna Nightmare Continues

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 14:16:00 GMT

How was your V-Day? 40,000 people celebrated in Mexico by breaking a world record for makeout sessions.

M.I.A. has a baby boy, can't type for shit.

Who woulda thought Roland Burris, the Senator appointed by Blago, would end up in a possible ethical scandal?

Chris Brown doesn't appear willing to admit he doesn't deserve our sympathy. Meanwhile, Rihanna dumped his allegedly sorry ass.

What do you do when a judge loads a breathalyzer in your car? Why, rent a vehicle and crash it drunk instead.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson had a lousy V-Day, complete with a intrusive New York Post "reporter."

And the First Couple of the United States flew to Chicago for dinner at a local restaurant on Saturday night, apparently in honor of some sort of national holiday from staying at home and hoarding money.

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Sloppy Seconds: Why Sam Won't Leave Lindsay

Emily Farris — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:47:00 GMT

We refused to read "Eat, Pray, Love" but that doesn't mean we won't see the movie. Julia Roberts is set to play the memoirist/author Elizabeth Gilbert. [Reuters]

An arrest warrant has been issued for Joe "Boobies" Francis and he faces up to 10 years in prison if convicted on charges of tax evasion. Which reminds us, we need to get our taxes done so we can afford to keep our meager boobies safe from Francis. [Yahoo!]

Is naked Obama riding a unicorn officially a meme? [Jossip]

We're not really fans of fake retro anything. But Shaun of the Dead is one of our favorite movies, so we're really excited about this 1960's paperback book cover artwork. It's sort of reverse adaptation. [LaughingSquid]

Staten Island's groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (known by locals as Staten Island Chuck) bit Mayor Bloomberg at a press conference today. We bet that's the last time Bloomie gets on a Ferry. [Star Gazette]

Are we the only ones who don't find the MacGruber SNL skits funny? [Vulture]

Unless you're really cool (we're not) you probably didn't know who Sam Ronson was before she started dating Lindsay Lohan. And according to FOXNews's ever-reliable sources, that's exactly why Sam would never leave LiLo. [FOXNews]

PapSmeared: Lindsay and Sam Step Out to Show the World They're Still in Love

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:31:00 GMT

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Sloppy Seconds: Lilo Sets the Record Straight

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:01:00 GMT

We've all been living happily under the assumption that Mad Men will return for a third season (it's half the reason we broke down and got cable) but even after winning a Golden Globe, the show's creator Matthew Weiner doesn't "even know if it's happening." [DailyIntel]

Smith Magazine has released a follow-up to its best selling Six Word Memoir Book. This one is about love and heartbreak. [TheFrisky]

As the Pussycat Dolls gear up for another tour, we wish hard that they'd disappear. [MTV]

Even after her marriage to ~~gay~~ country star Kenny Chesney failed, Renee Zellweger is open to marrying again. [Us]

We will marry the first man who takes us on the New Kids on the Block cruise. [People]

Despite speculation that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson broke up and rumors that they didn't and news stories that they did, Lilo sets the record straight in "Life & Style": “We never broke up. People don’t have to be together every second. It’s healthy to miss someone, and if you’re in it for the long run, it’s good to know that.” [FadedYouth]

Related:

Golden Globes Worst Dressed: WTF Was Up With The Hair?

Were the New Kids on the Block Always Such Bad Singers?

Oh Snap, We Thought the NKOTB Reunion Was Supposed To Be All Ironic and Stuff

Some Facts About Jenna Bush's Wedding Set to the Tune of NKOTB

We Bet You (Like Us) Thought The Pussycat Dolls Couldn't Get Any Worse

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

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Sloppy Seconds: Samantha Ronson Checks In, Then Out

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 22:08:00 GMT

A man buried with his cellphone is still getting calls from his wife. For God's sake, leave the man be!

Cuba's youngest politician is a cutie-- not to diminish her intellect... or to mention her ability to throw us in prison and misplace the key.

Want to party with Michael Bay for $250? No? What about if we told you Megan Fox was going to be there?

Slashfilm has the details on Bay's party, meant to help the United Way: it will be held at on Saturday, December 27th at Bay’s Miami Beach home. Tickets are $250 per person, but for $500, VIPs can join Bay on a private rooftop lounge alongside Megan Fox, the clone of Scarlett Johansson, and probably a Dodge Viper, just because. Following the reception, "all guests will be invited to an after-party" so that Bay can get his swerve on at home without Miami blue-hairs swanning around.

Sam Ronson was hospitalized for depression and exhaustion (we believe this one since how else do you think life with Lindsay Lohan would go?)

What, doesn't your Mom have iTunes? 85% of tracks released in 2008 were never downloaded.

In 1939, you could feed nine kids for a single English pound per day, if you were as frugal as this woman.

Have you guys heard about the idiotic New York City Councilman, soon to be moving on to the state level, who slashed his girlfriend's face with broken glass? Now he's claiming that he tripped while bringing her a glass of water. Is that the modern day equivalent of "she fell down the stairs?" What's next-- "I thought it was a Wii Gun?"

And Barack Obama was rocking the toplessness today in Hawaii.

Surviving a Plane Crash, via Twitter

Sloppy Seconds: The Curious Case of 130,000 Missing Breasts

Sloppy Seconds: Frisky's Ten Best Male Nude Scenes List

While You Were Sleeping: Update on the Pole Dancing Video Game

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:01:00 GMT

Check out this fake police I.D. card a man made for himself. You'll note he didn't completely paint over Chipotle's logo...

Mindy McCready capped off a horrible year with a visit to the psych ward following a suicide attempt. Let's hope the new year presents her with a clean slate.

Here's a great robbery story: a guy demanded money from a cashier at a fast food joint. The cashier laughed and said, "Get a job." The guy then pulled a box cutter and asked for the cashier's wallet, a request that was granted. The cashier had no money either, so they robber left and was quickly arrested.

There is mounting left-wing opposition to Obama's choice of Rick Warren to kick off the inauguration. We think Stevie Wonder would make a great substitute preacher.

By the way, if you just got accepted into Northwestern, you might want to read this. (Same for those who got rejected.)

A man went for a joyride with a hearse. The hearse was idling in front of a funeral home, the sick fuck.

Lindsay Lohan had a close call with a crazy. And no, her father didn't show up at her party or anything.

And it looks like the stripping video game for the Wii is on hold. Yeah, they might need to find a developer before they start, um, developing that...

Scanner Highs and Lows: So Long, Good Luck, and Pass the Turkey

Stripper Pole Company Developing Stripping Game For The Wii

This Year's Most Annoying Christmas Commercial

You Missed Out on Santacon Again...

Sloppy Seconds: Even Winning 'American Idol' Won't Help You in this Economy

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 00:02:00 GMT

Say goodbye to our old friends at MollyGood and please cross your fingers and hope that your favorite Scanner bloggers still have jobs come next Monday. [MollyGood]

Lynne Spears admits she was a bit of an enabler when raising Britney. [Jossip]

Madonna is suing the Mail for publishing pictures of her wedding to soon-to-be-former husband Guy Ritchie. You know, so she can have even more money to flaunt in front of him when they split. [BBC]

Our neighborhood (read: Scanner Emily's neighborhood) is totally contaminated. Yum. [NYT]

Fist Ed McMahon had his house foreclosed on, now it's American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino. Is Tyra Banks next? [Us]

Yet again, we are forced to tell you that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have not broken up. [People]

Our blog reader is down. That is all we have for you today folks.