Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

How Are They Still Alive: Abe Vigoda

Did I miss anyone obvious?

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Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Image: Rickels with fellow "comedian" John Mayer, johnmayer.com/blog

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 22:05:00 GMT

We refrained from putting the above comment in quotes was because we completely fabricated it out of nothing.

But really, don't these kids have anything more interesting to say about their relationships? What happened to ruining your career by dishing the dirt publicly, Jennifer Aniston-style, and taking everyone down with you?

After the jump, some quotes Taylor Swift gave to a country music magazine. The interview was placed on The Boot's front page, right above a story about Loretta Lynn (whose huge hits include "Don't Come Home A-Drinkin' with Lovin' On Your Mind" and "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man"), which reminded us of how badass singers used to be... and how they came off as cool especially after they talked major trash about their lovers...

"What I've learned is that I've really moved on from it.You can't stress about what you can't change. You have to live your life and be happy in spite of whatever doubts you might have or whatever might have happened.

"I'm not typically the girl who dates a lot of guys or is in relationships a lot. Most of my life, I've been single [yeah, that's because most of your life has taken place before puberty-- fer chrissakes, you're 19!] If I meet somebody who's great, I'll make an exception. But I'm really happy being alone ... I don't feel a sense of emptiness if I don't have a boyfriend.

"If you're like, 'I need to talk to you' all the time, [or] 'Why didn't you call me back?' ... If you're that girl, then nobody's going to want to date you. I have this rule: I don't call a guy first. And you can't ever send two text messages in a row.

"It's so important to be confident in who you are. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is a whole person."

Seriously, we're thrilled that a natural young talent like Taylor Swift is on the country music scene-- or any entertainment scene for that matter-- a woman who writes her own songs, has the indie spirit, is down to earth, and maybe won't end up marrying some childhood friend in Vegas and a backup dancer who has the IQ of a fence post.

We can dream, can't we?

Related:

Scanner : loretta lynn

Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

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Spoon Or Spork: Amy Winehouse

Amy Winehouse: A F*cking Disastah

Taylor Swift: Joe Jonas Likes It Up the Butt

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