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We Didn't Watch The Emmy's, Here's What We Missed...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 14:52:00 GMT

It was a historic night for the Emmy's, and we're pretty sure no one, including us, saw any of it...

Due to the usual record-breaking low ratings this show gets, it was probably lost on the country that Emmy history was made by Don Draper and the rest of the "Mad Men," who took home the Best Drama prize for AMC. This marks the only time a basic cable show has won a "Best" Series award.

Other highlights, according to sources who actually witnessed the program:

1) Ed McMahon said "Herrree's Johnny!" to introduce one of those mundane clip shows from when television was actually watchable. Hopefully, Ed received some sort of a check or at least an uptick in donations, as the poor bastard is in danger of losing his home.

2) Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert introduced something and weren't allowed to say anything political. Yawn.

3) Howie Mandell said he was on Sarah Palin's Bridge To Nowhere, a reference to the fact that his opening host's monologue had to be entirely ad-libbed. Speaking of poor bastards.

4) Bryan Cranston, Laura Linney, Glenn Close, and Tina Fey won well deserved acting awards. And, of course, so did the amazing Alec Baldwin.

5) Lorne Michaels took home another Emmy, as "30 Rock" received a well-deserved Best Comedy award.

6) Tommy Smothers was the only one who got political in an acceptance speech:

"It's hard for me to stay silent when I keep hearing that peace is only attainable through war. And there's nothing more scary than watching ignorance in action," he said, dedicating his award to "all people who feel compelled to speak out, and are not afraid to speak to power, and won't shut up and refuse to be silenced."

Actually, we're going to shut up now and redirect you to Remote Island (see the sidebar), because those guys probably saw it and have much more to say... but there you have it.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: You, Like Us, May Think...

Live from New York: Fey and Poehler do Palin and Clinton

Sarah Palin Thinks Global Warming Is Polar Bear Sh*t

While You Were Sleeping: Ciara's Naked Vibe Cover

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

Next Up For Michael Phelps: Television Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:00 GMT

This post was written by guest blogger Sean Flanagan.

Michael Phelps, the soon-to-be super rich record-breaking Olympian, is trying to expand his global fame by becoming affiliated with MTV award ceremonies and Saturday Night Live...

Oh wait, he's an athlete and may not be able to act. When will Lorne Michaels, that silly Canadian, learn his lesson?

How many athletes – or politicians while we're at it - can you have on your show (let alone giving them the season priemere!) before you realize that they cannot carry a show?

Lorne's show is, let's face it, in the dumps. The 90s were glorious, the 00’s not so much. You went from a cast that every major featured player went on to be twenty-million-dollar-a-movie stars to a cast where the talented people have been brushed aside in favor of Andy Samberg and recurring characters that weren’t funny the first time around.

Michael Jordan
Nancy Kerrigan
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Jonny Moseley
Derek Jeter (though he was kinda good-- see above photo)

Let the Olympian be on a box of cereal, cut a few ribbons, do 20/20 soft focus lens takes with Babawawa and fade into the record books. Meanwhile, SNL needs to bounce back in a serious way this season and find a way to achieve relevance again after having long since lost Tina Fey to become TV's hottest geek on 30 Rock...

Related:

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Al Franken Is For Real This Time, Seriously

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

The Last Days of Chris Farley

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:30:00 GMT

"Heidi was hired for Farley by a friend for $2,000. She joined Farley at a party in Lincoln Park (in Chicago) at 11 AM. There were drugs going around..." [Find A Death]

"The Last Days of Chris Farley," a new book due sometime this summer, with Playboy running excerpts in its May issue, and co-authored by his brother Tom, not the sibling who discovered Chris's addiction-ridden body, is said to be the definitive bio of the late funnyman. Among the many great quotes we've found that detail a tragic finish to a great life and career...

David Spade: "I got a lot of shit at the end about 'Why weren't you there for him?' But being that close, I dealt with it all the time. And in that situation, before the guy's dead, he's just kind of an asshole. Truth is, you get a junkie who's wasted all the time and moody and angry and trying to knock you around, you say, 'OK, you go do that, and I'll be over here.' " [via IMDB and Defamer]

Heidi the hooker: "Chris claimed he’d been up for 4 days, without sleep. They tried to have sex, but Chris couldn’t. Cut to 11 PM – Chris and Heidi were back at his apartment in the Hancock building. She was getting pissed off because she wanted to get paid, and Chris claimed that the friend was supposed to pay her. They supposedly tried sex again, unsuccessfully, and finally at 3am she decided to take off. Farley was clearly inebriated, and as she was leaving his apartment, he collapsed about 10 feet from the door.

"Heidi claimed she could hear that he was having difficulty breathing. He said to her, 'Don't leave me.' Figuring he had finally passed out, she snapped a photograph of him lying there and then left."

What a terrible way to go, with your unused hooker taking a picture of your corpse for her photo album. (The photo of his dead body is available on line, but we're not about to include that here. We're not TMZ or some other awful institution.)

We'd prefer to think of him not in that way but as Newt Gingrich... or, better yet, as Chris Farley, Master Pickup Artist...

Lorne Michaels Denies Pro-Hillary "SNL" Bias; We Totally Buy It

Bryan Christian — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 16:00:00 GMT

'Cause what the hell? When was the last time actual political topics or substantive social issues were really funny on SNL? What about questions like gender or race? (And no, we're guessing Astronaut Jones doesn't count.)

But you know what is funny -- and what fits exactly within the boob-tube-centric wheelhouse that the show seems to operate in these days? News anchors giving one person virtual hummers and another one the fifth degree. Casual, clueless cruelty from people on TV is pretty much that show's bread-and-fucking-butter. So, assuming that the election is the big story of the season, what the heck else they gonna run with? McCain being old? The fact that they happened to hit upon a nerve -- and, let's be honest, most likely the truth -- is just gravy.

(And no, this doesn't explain Tina Fey's "bitch is the new black" bit -- but hey, we're guessing that even Hillary would prefer to walk away from that one.)

[via Salon]

Hillary Clinton is the New "Black"?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:00:00 GMT

We did a boatload of stories involving Tina Fey yesterday, but none of them covered her bizarre endorsement of Hillary Clinton on this weekend's Saturday Night Live. The following clip had the desperately dull Clinton talking points... the desperately evasive non-attacks of Barack Obama (by not saying anything, that is)... the desperate comedy and that uncomfortable Hillary Clinton cackle. Okay, maybe not the last one, thank God. We digg 30 Rock and Tina Fey, but the video is just sad, hopeless, and represents the worst case of politicking on SNL we've ever witnessed.

If Elvis Costello can get banned for this, maybe Lorne Michaels will ban endorsements of doomed Presidential candidates who are supported only because of their gender?

Previously: Tina Fey for Oscars Host 2009!!!; Celebrities Make Us Feel Better...; Video of the Day.