Scanner : love

Sex & The City Made "Mindless Twits" of You All?

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 19:58:00 GMT

We've been enjoying Slate a lot more than we used to. This is due, in part, to the presence of smartass movie critic Dana Stevens, who gave the new Jim Jarmusch movie a careful, calculated, and expert drubbing.

But it's a quote we found by her regarding the Sex And The City movie that really woke us up to her thinking:

The show's values are reprehensible, its view of gender relations cartoonish, its puns execrable. I honestly believe, as I wrote when the series finale aired in 2004*, that Sex and the City is singlehandedly responsible for a measurable uptick in the number of materialistic twits in New York City and perhaps the world. And yet … and yet … there's a core truth to the show's depiction of female friendship that had me awaiting the big-screen version with exactly the kind of cream-puff nostalgia the movie's marketers are bargaining for. I want to know how the girls are doing, what's happened to them in the four years since I last joined them at brunch, and what in the name of God they're wearing.

In real life, Carrie's narcissism would make her a terrible friend, but Sarah Jessica Parker makes bottomless self-absorption look like such fun.

She followed up her comments on the movie, which weren't entirely negative, with an appearance on WNYC radio, in which she used the word "mindlessly" before "materialistic twits."

We have to kind of agree that, while the show is meant to be a comedy, far too many single women in New York (and probably elsewhere) took it seriously and, to this day, still act like extras on the HBO series. Many a guy friend has used the phrase "Sex and the City syndrome" when describing why they decided one date with a new female was enough. Now, with the followup film just announced, are we wrong to think SJP's star vehicle has hindered rather than helped people find love?

Via Slate.

Related:

"Sex and The City" Sequel: Mr. Big is Back!

Whatever You Do, Don't Pack Lingerie for a Trip to England

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which You Did Not Dangle Your Balls in Our Face

The Only Thing Stranger Than Love on Omegle: Blogger Marries a Commenter

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:34:00 GMT

We do not blog to get laid (even though we suspect Scanner Brian does). Not that the idea hasn't crossed our collective minds. When we were first offered this job we thought it would be a boon to our sex lives. You know: meet guy in a bar. Tell guy what we do. Guy falls all over us because he's so impresed. This obviously has not happened. Sure we're out a little less and shower a lot less because we blog professionally, which probably has a lot to do with it. But we have to admit we're surprised—and a little disappointed if we're being honest here—that of the tens of thousands of people who read Scanner every week not one is a bearded man who lives in the mountains of Kansas City and wants to ride bikes and eat hamburgers with us. But even if that man were to actually exist and he were to reveal himself in the comments section we can't imagine we'd be rushing off to meet him at a Royals game or anything. Maybe that's just us (because we can totally see Scanner Brian doing something like that).

Recently Ann Althouse, a professor in Wisconsin who blogs about politics, law and culture announced on her site that she would be marrying commenter "Meade." Her readers were about as shocked as you would be if we told you that we plan to marry "Apollo"—which we do not.

And we have to give the New York Times kudos for the first line of Sunday's story about the whole thing:

CONSIDER the erotic potential between blogger and commenters...

About four years ago, Mr. Meade happened upon Ms. Althouse’s blog, by clicking through a series of Web links originating on the popular blog written by Andrew Sullivan (who also snickered at her betrothal last week).

Intellectually smitten, Mr. Meade read Ms. Althouse’s blog daily, becoming a regular commenter. “He would write jokingly as if he was in love with me,” Ms. Althouse said. “You couldn’t tell if he was fooling around or not, but it warms your heart.”

Mr. Meade even followed a blog kept by Ms. Althouse’s ex-husband, Richard Cohen, a writer in Austin, Tex. Once, about three years ago, when Ms. Althouse and her ex had a blog-spat, Mr. Meade, whose marriage was then unraveling, commented on Mr. Cohen’s behalf.

Over the years, Mr. Meade developed a blog-crush on Ms. Althouse. His wry, eloquent commenter persona became even more flirtatious.

In December, in a private e-mail message, he asked whether they might meet. Nothing came of it.

Turns out that the way to a blog-woman’s heart is through the comments.
In a January post, Ms. Althouse listed lessons from Clint Eastwood’s film “Gran Torino.”

No. 5: “A young man should perceive when a girl likes him and he needs to ask her out to dinner and a movie before somebody else does.”

In front of the eyes and fingertips of thousands, Mr. Meade made his move.

Mr. Meade: “OK. Want to have dinner with me and see it again?”

Ms. Althouse: “Yes, but you’ll have to come to Madison.”

On the phone last week, Mr. Meade recalled that exchange. “It was a throwaway,” he said. “I didn’t expect Ann to answer. Even so, I thought, that’s the end of that. But then Knox noticed.”

That is, Knox, another commenter, who wrote: “Meade, this is HUGE! Meade ...? He must be packing.”

Apparently Meade was packing, because the two are now engaged and plan to marry in August.

[New York Times: Commoner Captures Princess, Blog Version]

Related:

Today in WTF: An Omegle Love Connection?

Hey, At Least the Sex Industry Is Still Hiring

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Bearded Man of the Week: Sam Beam

Hey Everybody, I Just Moved to the #1 Worst City for Dating!

From the Annals of "Sassy": Kurt Cobain Wore an Engagement Ring

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:39:00 GMT

Can you believe it was 15 years ago that Kurt Cobain died? His body was discovered at his home in Lake Washington on April 8, 1994. To celebrate his life, the fine folks at I Heart Daily pulled out an old issue of "Sassy" (which, unfortunately met its end two years after the rocker) which featured Cobain and Courtney Love on the cover, shortly after the two were engaged. What stood out to us most was this little bit of sweetness:

"I mention that I saw their engagement announced on MTV when Nirvana's video was number one. Says Kurt, "It was embarrassing, but it was also kind of neat." Courtney says, "I thought it was kind of dorky." She's wearing an engagement ring, circa 1906, with a ruby or something in the middle. Kurt has one, too, an ornate band. "Sorry about this zit," she says, pointing to her cheek. "Zits are beauty marks," says Kurt.

—Sassy, April 1992

The entire article can be downloaded as a PDF here.

R.I.P. Kurt Cobain and "Sassy."

[I Heart Daily: Flashback: Kurt, Courtney and Sassy Magazine]

Related:

The Foo Fighters Would Like John McCain to Stop Comparing Himself to Kurt Cobain

C-Love in HEEB's Wasted Issue

Sloppy Seconds: Courtney Love's Bizarre Death Rant

Do Not Love: "More to Love"

Emily Farris — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:16:00 GMT

Fox is developing a new reality dating show for what producers call "average-looking" people. The show will be similar to The Bachelor but instead of under-fed, over-tanned people desperate to date, the contestants will be over-weight weight women competing for the love of a man who resembles...

Kevin James. (Producers describe him as a "Kevin James-type." Kevin James is that guy from The King of Queens, by the way. We'd prefer a Drew Carey-type, but whatever.)

“For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Mike Darnell of Fox said. “Why don’t real women —the women who watch these shows, for the most part—have a chance to find love too?”

This is a good question, and one that's been ignored too long. But doesn't making a point of singling out the "fatties" just contribute to the bigger problem? If "normal" people are lovable, too, why do they really need their own show? Perhaps the producers could take a cue from Tyra Banks and America's Next Top Model and let some "average-looking people" compete against the "hotties."

[LiveFeed: 'More to Love' -- Fox orders dating competition series for the heavy set]

Related:

Video: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards for Skanks?

Would You Watch?: Denise Richards' Reality Show

Octomom: the Reality Series (Plus Porn Stars)

Sloppy Seconds: Chris Brown's Mystery Woman Revealed

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:58:00 GMT

Hillary Clinton told everyone about falling in love with Bill Clinton. Of course, they only want to hear about how she fell out of love with Bill Clinton.

By the way, where did Rielle Hunter get the name Frances Bean from?

Young women mistakenly think men want potential female partners to drink them under the table. Got that?

Is the future of the conservative movement this woman? Whatever it is, we're getting tired of hearing that its next round of leaders are all women. After all, every one of them turns out to be a porn star (Stormy Daniels, Sarah Palin, and this Russian woman-- just check out that tiny photo near the top.)

Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley will battle for the love of Dylan Thomas in a new film. Winner, no matter what the historical evidence: Knightley.

A guy claims he successfully shipped himself from NYC to Vegas. We'd almost care except... he's a magician.

It always surprises us to see people driving along without a care in the world when their cars are wobbling violently from a flat tire. Turns out, they're probably wasted.

Why has it taken Congress so long to do anything to protect whistleblowers? What year did the Pentagon Papers come out again?

And the other woman in the Chris Brown-Rihanna story is revealed to be... his manager. (He may have had an affair with her at 16, Rihanna may have hit first, and a million other drops of bullshit that don't change the fact that he needs prison time.)

Woman Leads Cops Right to Her Liaison with Previous Victim

The UK Babies Having Babies Plot Thickens

Keira Knightley's Latest Nude Scene Kinda Puts Us To Sleep

Germany's Biggest Sex Scandal Comes To A Stunning Conclusion

A Very Important Annoucement from Scanner HQ or: Why Scanner Emily is No Longer on the Road to Becoming a Crazy Cat Lady

Emily Farris — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 19:22:00 GMT

Scanner readers, if you'll allow me to get personal for a moment, I'd like you to meet Jack:

I took my own advice and adopted him from a local shelter on Friday. After our first weekend together, we're in love. If you've noticed my absence from Scanner for the past few working days, blame it on Jack. Currently, I have a hard time turning down his puppy dog eyes when he walks over to my desk with a tennis ball in his mouth.

(For the record, that futon is not my couch. That is now Jack's hangout, in my office. I just wanted to clear that up.)

Related:

Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Cat Lady

Stuff We Absolutely Need to Validate Ourselves: Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Did 8-Year-Old Emily Know Scanner Emily Would Become the Crazy Cat Lady?

Sloppy Seconds: Annie Leibovitz's Financial Woes

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 23:39:00 GMT

Netflix will offer a streaming-only service, but apparently it still won't be available to Mac users. [Wired]

Former Hugh Hefner flame and original Girl Next Door Holly Madison has split from Criss Angel after nearly four months. [Yahoo!]

It looks like there's some not-so-hot lesbian action coming to Desperate Housewives' Wisteria Lane. [Us]

Maybe John Mayer really is that into Jennifer Aniston? [People]

What happens when a skinny reporter goes to fashion week in a fat suit? [Jezebel]

Annie Leibovitz took out a loan against her photographs to pay off her mortgage debt. When Leibovitz's long-time partner Susan Sontag died in 2004, she left several properties to the photographer, who has struggled to afford to keep them. [AfterEllen]

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Emily Farris — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Okay, so maybe we did more than a little star fucking. One might even say we went overbaord.

Highs:

We drooled (and debated) over some big beautiful women.

We continued to hold out hope that our bearded man Joaquin Phoenix is a'ight. Even though he appears to be the opposite of a'ight.

We helped a friend end a bad relationship.

We fell in love with a Koala bear.

We started to wonder if it's true that one can be either hot or smart (not both) and began to appreciate our brains a little more.

We may live in the worst dating city ever, but at least we don't live in the worst city ever.

Dr. Ruth helped us figure out what to do tomorrow night.

The Dalai Lama began following us on Twitter!

We love Lily Allen and we don't care who knows it.

We asked Judah Friedlander out (no, really, we did and he wrote back.. but if we go out I'm not blogging about it, per his request).

Also, we kind-of, sort-of found a way to make our Ryan Gosling fantasies come true.

We found some pretty fucking cool Valentine's Day presents.

Zoorotica. 'Nuff said.

Oh, and animals that are not doing dirty things: Westminster dog show photos.

Lows:

We had to confront the fact that we've been with a lot of people, but not in a long, long time.

And we thought Grand Theft Auto was disturbing!

The Grammys screwed M.I.A. (By the way, has she popped that baby out yet?)

After a week of eating super healthy (okay, not really), we had a strange craving for hamburgers.

We're still trying to decide what's worse: the crazy dog lady or the crazy baby lady.

Maybe we don't have a Valentine because no one knows when Valentine's Day falls on the calendar?

We cried over this video (and so did you!).

We figured out why we're deliciously fat.

Um, this baby is smarter than us (also we really love watching videos of babies).

FUCK!

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Sarah Palin's Next Move

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 23:41:00 GMT

Memo to morons: setting someone's lawn on fire is not a "prank."

What kind of person tells her daughter she doesn't love her, then makes the girl pose for a photo for an article about how unloved she is?

The rumors are flying about why Caroline Kennedy is out of contention for the Senate seat.

Here's the resume help we all sorely needed.

Katy Perry on that whole celibacy vow thing: "I'd rather die!"

A guy is suing his ex-wife over having funded their daughter's life. The problem? DNA tests have proved the ex-wife was impregnated by another man.

And you thought your landlord's a shithead.

Cate Blanchett is so well-respected in her native Australia that she's going to get her own postage stamp.

And Sarah Palin appears to have hired a lawyer in preparation for a major book and or television deal. GO AWAY.

Today in "How'd That Get Up There?"

Sloppy Seconds: The Abortion Donuts?

The Vivienne Boys Show a Little Bum

Ask a Conchord

Colleen Kane — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 14:44:00 GMT

At this historic time (that is, the day after the premiere of season two of Flight of the Conchords), BUST magazine announced that you can ask bumbling musicmakers Jermaine and Bret a question about love and relationships. If you're not too mean or aggressive about it they might even answer your Q in the April issue of the magazine.

Here's how:

Email your question to askaconchord@bust.com before Sunday, January 25. Good luck! Especially if they do answer your question and you follow their advice.

Related:

Flight of the Conchords... Already Premiering Right Here, Baby

The Wire: We Was Robbed (of an Emmy Nomination)

Holiday Gift Guide: Make 'Em Laugh

PapSmeared: Lindsay and Sam Step Out to Show the World They're Still in Love

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:31:00 GMT

[Image]

Adorable Children Elope To Africa, Our Heart (Of Darkness) Melts

Ina Maier — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 20:05:00 GMT

Two German children, Mika and Anna-Lena, who are "very much in love", decided to, you know, elope to Africa. Because it's "very warm there." (They're not wrong.)

So, they snuck out early morning New Year's Day - official witness in tow! (Anna-Lena's seven-year-old sister) - and off they went to the airport.

After a 1km walk to the tram station, the intrepid trio public-transited their way to the Hanover central train station, where some curmudgeon-y guard took notice of their lack of parents, and tricked them into a "free tour" of the police station (yeah, we've heard that one before), and authoritively pointed out that they would not have gotten far without a passport or money.

Oh, really, Mister (or should we say Herr) Policeman?! Ever heard of the currency of LOVE?

Anyway. There's your ill-fated yet adorable love story for the day. Also: Rainbows. And Unicorns. Etc.

[via]

Cutest Thing Ever? Or Yet Another Sign America Is Going Down The (You)Tubes?

Boy Sees Lobsters For The First Time, Women Everywhere Spontaneously Conceive

Boys Who Love Serial Killers and The Girls Who Don't Love Them

This Woman Is Addicted to Love...Or Maybe Just Needs a Hobby

Caption This: Bill and Hillary Ring in the New Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

[Image]

While You Were Sleeping: Your Shopping Bag Is Sexist, Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Are you guys doing the inaugural? Good luck surviving the stampede.

The nitwit who dared to have sex on a beach in Dubai spoke out about his ordeal. (Not the sex-- the other ordeal.)

Bet you'll never guess why a man shot and killed a sex shop worker... oh wait, you will, and likely on the first try:

A man has shot and wounded a saleswoman in a Russian sex shop after the impotence tablets he bought failed to have the desired effect. [stuff.co.nz]

Ellie Nesler, the woman who killed her son's (accused) child molester, died.

Did your 2008 pass by in what felt like forty seconds? It will again, thanks to this snazzy video.

We rejoice at the sight of CNN giving out love advice because it just makes us look way more qualified than we really are.

This "sexy" (and sexist?) shopping bag "might put you in jail," according this blog.

Counterfeiters aren't even trying to make their money look real anymore, they're so desperate to have anything to pay with.

And Zooey Deschanel-- sniff, sniff-- is off the market, thanks to (Mystery Boyfriend Revealed) Ben Gibbard, of Death Cab For Cutie.

Louisiana Teacher Gets Closer to Student By Sleeping with His Father

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:47:00 GMT

If you want to get in the pants of a fifteen-year-old boy, one way to make sure that happens is to first sleep with his father, then stick around for an encore.

Anna Davis, who is a 32-year-old special ed teacher at Benton High in Shreveport, Louisiana, has been arrested for having sex with a juvenile. The cops found out about it following a phone call Davis made the boy's divorced Dad, who she was also sleeping with, letting him know that she was dumping him for his son. Dad, out of either disgust or anger at having been dumped (we're kidding), immediately dialed up Davis's school, which removed her and notified the police.

Her response? "I'm in love with him and I want to marry him."

The cops? "I don't know if she understood exactly what she was doing."

Yes, officer, she most certainly does-- it's called sexual intercourse and it makes people do very strange things...

Related:

Video of the Day: Sexting

Ad Agency Sex Scandal Claims One Victim: The Cameraman

While You Were Sleeping: Who's #1 on Yahoo?

Today in Sweden: Teen Sex For Booze On The Rise

We Present... The Cougar Perv

Dad Nobly Defends Son Against Rape Charges... Oh, Wait...

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 19:46:00 GMT

eHarmony, the online matchmaking site that infamously rejected the gay community (and Scanner Emily) now begrudgingly offers their services to love-seeking homosexuals (but not Emily).

After numerous lawsuits, eHarmony will be forced to service gays and lesbians (zing!). The AP reports that this is, in particular, due to a 2005 settlement in a suit filed by Eric McKinley of New Jersey who demanded not to be subject to discrimination when he was prevented from joining the site because he was gay.

But eHarmony couldn't actually let the gays use their site. The company has created a new agency (We know, it’s all very “Separate but Equal”) so passionately titled, Compatible Partners (we were expecting eCacophony) will launch this March, just in time for Valentine’s Day to be long gone.

Jerks.

Related:

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

This Week in Gayness: Ellen vs. the Bigots

This Week In Gayness: Guy Attacked At Proposition 8 Protest

Photo: The Consumerist

Why Beyonce Was In No Hurry to Marry Jay-Z

Emily Farris — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 18:03:00 GMT

We may not like her new single, "If I Were a Boy," but we do like the way Beyonce thinks about love and marriage. She married her rapper beau Jay-Z last April, but it was a long time coming... and for all the right reasons.

In a recent interview with Seventeen, Beyonce said she met Jay-Z when she was 18, started dating him at 19, but waited until her late twenties to marry him because...

"I really don’t believe that you will love the same thing when you’re 20 as you do at 30," Beyonce, now 27, told the magazine. "So that was my rule: Before the age of 25, I would never get married... I feel like you have to get to know yourself, know what you want, spend some time by yourself and be proud of who you are before you can share that with someone else."

Now, if she could just apply that same reasoning to pop songs, the world would be a much better place.

[Us: Beyonce: I Was in No Rush to Marry Jay-Z]

Related:

It's About Damn Time The World Had a Black Wonder Woman

Caption This: Euro Beyonce

Breaking News: Beyonce Is Now White

While You Were Sleeping: Beyonce Is One Sexy Cop

Cheating Wife Claims To Still Love Her Husband... After 18 Month Affair

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 18:22:00 GMT

Face it, if you cheat on somebody for a year and a half, you probably don't "love" your partner, at least not in the traditional sense. Far too often, people use the L-word (not that L Word) to describe their feelings, when they really mean "I'm really attached and dependent on you."

We've never seen a more perfect example to back up this argument than a woman who we came across in the Daily Mail today when reading that story about the eight-year-old's makeover party...

The rundown is basically this: a woman with a husband and daughter started an affair with a married man, an affair that has been going on for 18 months. She is absolutely crazy about the guy and doesn't want to break it off-- but, surprise, she can't bear the thought of hurting her husband, whom she loves. Whatever we think of the situation and this woman, we absolutely do not believe she is still in love with her husband, although she claims to be. Her behavior in no way reflects an understanding of the word as we understand it. Here are some of the comments in the Daily Mail:

-Has it occurred to you that your husband might eventually be better off and happier with someone else?

Don't we all have the right to search for a faithful partner? Yet unbelieveably you claim to be denying him that right in order to "protect" him! Such charity! But what will actually hurt him more? The truth, followed by recovery and the freedom to find someone faithful, or a lifetime shackled to a partner who's betrayed him, without ever again having the option of finding one who won't?

Where's his choice in this? Do you really feel you should decide on his behalf whether he stays with an unfaithful partner? Have some courage. At least you won't lose your child, unlike him!
-I am sorry, but am I meant to feel sympathy for your plight which you have so inevitably brought on yourself. If you truly loved your husband you would have not started the affair. I hope your husband, family and friends find out what you are really like which is a very dishonest person.

The only person you are thinking about is yourself which is utterly selfish. Either admit to the affair and undergo marriage counselling or get a divorce as your husband and the lovers wife deserve honesty and love. Which you and your lover seem to be destroying.

All I can say is I hope karma pays you a visit and you get what you deserve as you certainly have no morality.

If you're strong enough to fend off your feelings for someone else, then you are probably in love. If you're not strong enough to break off an affair that's spiraling out of control, you aren't really in love enough with your husband anymore. Or maybe you're just a weakling. Either way, we have to agree, you don't deserve the guy. Whether you readers think marriage is an institution you think works for us horny humans is beside the point-- the reality here is that this person put her faith in somebody and then has betrayed them over and over again without cause. It's time to do the right thing and leave him, since he deserves someone who loves him.

Sorry for the rant, but this one had to be done.

Via the Daily Mail.

Related:

No Surprise Here: Democrat Who Defeated Mark Foley Is A Perv

CNN Discovers Why Men Cheat (Gasp! It's About Their Feelings)

Reason #8,847 Not To Sleep With A Bali Hooker...

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Men's Health (apparently the South African edition) has just published the "41 ways to melt a woman's heart," which should be subtitled "or compel her to obtain a restraining order."

Guys, don't try these at home... at least... not all of them.

Like all lists of advice for relationships, the value of the wisdom depends on the personalities. For example, see #3.

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

We know quite a few ladies who get off on a guy who does not rush over to meet them, instead leans back with a sly smile and waits for his girl to meet him where he's already standing. But that's a trivial issue compared to some of these other creeptastical suggestions:

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice. [Yeah, and not necessarily in a good way. Dudes, don't forget, some women appreciate it when you don't shave before you see them.]
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. [Hmmm... why does this sound creepy all of a sudden?]
27. Worship her breasts.
28. Give her jewellery.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

Right. Make sure to be standing there, motionless and in complete silence, when she yanks the shower curtain over.

And although we're pretty sure this one's meant to be silly, after the above choices, we're not so sure:

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex...
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

Via Men's Health.

Related:

David Letterman Grills Anne Hathaway About Her Criminal Ex

MTV Launches Sex Talk Show, We Relive Our Awkward Youth

Ex-Teacher Argues Sex With Her Student Was Constitutional

The Funniest Craigslist Personal Ever?

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Like many of us, this pretty lady is looking for love online.

Much like the online dating services we humans use (Nerve personals, anyone?), animals kept in captivity are matched with potential mates via online "studbooks."

The databases containing information on sex, age and weight — not so much about favorite foods or long walks on the beach — are used by more than 200 zoos nationally and some internationally.

Now, new software has been developed that promises more easily accessible data, faster matches and — taking a page from human dating sites — details on animals personalities to ease what can be a testy process.

Zoos will not be required to document each animal’s turn-ons and turn-offs in the Zoological Information Management System, a collaboration by about 150 zoos and aquariums that is a year or two away from wide distribution.

We think it's a bad idea to exclude the turn-offs. Once we made clear we were looking for bearded dudes who could spell, online dating got a million times easier. However, if a koala finds love online before we do, we're so giving into the Crazy Cat Lady thing.

[NY Times: Seeking Mates for Furred and Clawed]

Sloppy Seconds: Mary Louise Parker's Hazardous Love Scene

Emily Farris — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Gay marriage will become legal in California in less than three hours. [NY Daily News]

Are two of Lance Bass' ex-boyfriends dating each other? Awkward! [Gabby Babble]

If the world's fattest man can find love, we can, too, right? Right? [News.au.com]

What kind-of world do we live in where no one shows up for Gossip Girl casting in the Hamptons? [Daily Intel]

Amy Winehouse passed out today and had to be taken to the hospital. Luckily, she weighs nothing, so an assistant was able to catch her before she hit the floor. Whew. [Yahoo!]

Mary Louise Parker broke her toe while filming a love scene for her Showtime series, "Weeds." That shit hurts, yo. [People]

Related:

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

The Amy Winehouse Condition

Things We've Learned From Lance Bass' Book Tour

Gay Marriage is Good for the Economy, Stupid

I Hate Myself For Loving You: Zooey Deschanel

[Image via Esquire]

Hot, Lesbian Doctor Action Coming to Tonight's "Grey's Anatomy?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 May 2008 13:33:00 GMT

We're maybe, slightly, a little obsessed with Grey's Anatomy. We don't write about it so much because 1. we're a little embarrassed and 2. there hasn't been any hot, medical lesbian action. Until now, anyway.

If last week's episode was any indication (and we're pretty almost sure it most certainly maybe was) Dr. Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) and Dr. Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith) are in loooove. If this is true, we'll be so happy that Callie found love after what George did to her, even though he was all fucked up at the time and we can't really blame him for it.

Ah, and if they can make sperm from one or the other's bone marrow, think how smart their babies would be!

However, if Torres and Hahn don't get just as much air time in the on-call room as all the other slutty characters, we're sending somebody an angry letter.

[After Ellen: A Lesbian Relationship on "Grey's Anatomy"?]

Jack Nicholson Wants to Hit One More Time it Before He Kicks It

Emily Farris — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:33:00 GMT

Okay, that might be a little crass, but he does want one more fling.

In the do-it-all-before-you-die comedy "The Bucket List," the 71-year-old plays an ageing [sic] billionaire who makes a list of the things he wants to do in the time he has left.

As for what would be on his own "bucket list," the Hollywood great told a Tokyo news conference: "One last big romance to occur, that would be on my list."

What a coincidence! "Do it with a rich 71-year-old" is on our list of things to do before we die.

[Yahoo: Nicholson, 71, fancies one last romance]

Scanner Emily is Madly in Love With the Gay Salesman

Emily Farris — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:44:00 GMT

He's also the Everyday, Regular, Normal Guy and the proud owner of a pedophile beard. No, I don't know him, but I sure wish I did.

The Love Detector: Creepiest New Technology

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 20:16:00 GMT

For the person who needs to know everything their lover is thinking, and for their lovers, who either won't know about this or don't mind being self-conscious about every breath, mumble, sneeze, and unspoken thought.

As reported by Reuters on V-Day:

Users who speak by pointing their mobile phones at themselves for video conferences can see a "love meter" bar on the screen of their handset during a conversation.

They later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker.

That's according to KTF in South Korea, makers of a product we love to hate. Just like those creepy-ass old carnival games, The Love Detector, now available for Skype PC, is about the weirdest and possibly the most fraudulent technology yet invented for mobile phone use. It was allegedly designed for people who couldn't be bothered to simply ask a crush if the crush is mutual, but apparently that didn't work and now they are moving into the girlfriends-of-strong-silent-types-who-don't-talk-about-their-feelings. (We can just hear it now: Man: Honey, I'm going to be late. Woman: Oooh, no! The Love Detector says you are suffering from a sense of detachment, are possibly homosexual, and are fondling a small dog while we're on the phone. What would you like for dinner?)

But that doesn't stop us from asking some poor soul out there with a PC (ha ha, suckers!) to try it out and not bill us for your use...

Sloppy Seconds: Britney's Makeover, Nerd Love, Heath Ledger, Brad Renfro, Roy Scheider and Crack

Emily Farris — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:11:00 GMT

Our not-so-slutty sister FameCrawler weighs in on Britney's... makeover?

Nerd love. Ain't it sweet that Wii belong together?

Michelle Williams, Heath Ledger's family and other mourners took a dip in the ocean as they said goodbye to the actor.

Another young actor who died earlier this year, Brad Renfro's death was caused by an "accidental overdose."

Actor Roy Scheider, famous for "Jaws" and not so famous for "SeaQuest" died yesterday.

Police found crack in a man's butt. Yes they did.

And if you stand us up tomorrow night, we'll never forgive you. OK, we'll forgive you, but we'll be really heartbroken. And do you really want to do that to us right before Valentine's Day? Scanner Emily was already dumped right before Valentine's Day once. You can hear all about it if you show up tomorrow.

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: Feb 12, NYC

Emily Farris — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 17:06:00 GMT

Hey New York folks, have you saved Tuesday, February 12 for a date with your Scanner bloggers?

Scanner's Stories of Love and Hate: A Pre-Valentine's Day Reading of Sorts
Featuring Nerve.com's Scanner Bloggers and Special Guests
Tuesday, February 12, 8 p.m.
Rififi, 332 East 11th Street, NYC
$5

You Can Run, You Can Hide, But You Can't Escape Enrique Iglesias' Lust

Emily Farris — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 18:27:00 GMT

Hey, remember Enrique Iglesias? He's a singer, is 32, has been in love ten times, wants to spread the message that you don't have to be in love to have fun in the bedroom, and claims he's not at all like his father Julio Igelsias, known for being a ladies' man.

"Sex and love are so different that, of course, you don't have to be in love with a woman to sleep with her but it's amazing when you get them both together. I'd say I've been in love about 10 times in my life, although those feelings usually turned out to be lust.

"I've had my heart broken a few times, but really, I've only been in love once. Love is lust that lasts and develops into trust and friendship...

"I wouldn't say I've learnt anything about women from my father, although I did decide that sleeping with 3,000 women was not the way I wanted to live my life.

"Anyway, I think a lot of his Lothario image was an act and I don't know whether he was any happier than I am now."

[Muzica: Enrique on lust and sex]

Scanner Loves You, Justice O'Connor!!!

Bryan Christian — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 13:51:00 GMT

When Justice Sandra Day O'Connor retired from the Supreme Court in 2006 -- possibly in growing disgust over her role in Bush v. Gore and certainly to tend to her ailing husband, whose Alzheimer's was progressing rapidly -- it seemed like a kind of depressing end to an historic and admirable public life. But it sounds like Mrs. O'Connor continues to inspire us even in retirement. In addition to maintaining a busy schedule speaking on behalf of causes she holds dear, word from a Phoenix NBC affiliate indicates that, while her husband's condition had been deteriorating in the last year and he had even contemplated suicide, he has improved considerably since becoming romantically involved with another woman at his rest home -- a relationship that his wife, whom he doesn't always recognize anymore, supports wholeheartedly.

"Mom was thrilled that Dad was relaxed and happy and comfortable living here and wasn't complaining," [the O'Connor's] son said.

We can only say that it's clear from this story that there ain't no way we're going to be watching Sarah Polley's 2006 tearjerker Away From Her, which has a similar story, anytime soon. We barely made it through an MSNBC report without losing it entirely.

Cute Couple of the Week

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:00:00 GMT

Our friend and drinking buddy Paul Ford is a man who knows his love. He's also a man who knows how to shout it from the rooftops while riding in a silk chariot pulled by a litter of puppies carrying red roses in their mouths. We're not sure if he shouted it when he got married last September, but we'd like to yell a hearty congrats to Paul and his wife Mo, and link to Paul's list of 100 damn fine ways to say "I love you" like you really mean it. Don't worry if you've already said it with a she puppet and a you puppet, here are 99 more for ya.