Scanner : marry fuck or kill

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Sexy Doctor Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Sixteen million people watched the E.R. series finale last night. We were not among them, but if our Twitter feed is any indication, old-school fans were seriously missing sexy, sexy Dr. Ross, played many seasons ago by George Clooney. And that got us thinking about how glad we are to still have Lost's Matthew Shepherd in our lives. We thought we'd do a little "Who Would You Rather: Dr. Ross vs. Dr. Shepherd?" but then we remembered Dr. McDreamy, played by Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy. Ah! So many sexy doctors, so little time—the perfect situation for a very important decision: which TV doctor do you marry, which do you fuck and which do you DNR?

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Slutoween Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:38:00 GMT

A naughty nurse, a dirty French maid and a sexy kitten walk into a bar. On Halloween. Which one do you take home to mom, which one do you bang in a dark alley, and which one do you, er, dispose of?

If you need help deciding, there are larger images after the jump.

Top 5 Sexiest Celebrity Costumes

Because It's Never Too Early to Start Thinking About Slutty Halloween Costumes

Images via costumesupercenter.com

Mary, F*ck or Kill: Shatner vs. Shatner vs. Shatner

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:07:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Sure, this weekend's Emmys got us all thinking about nice stuff like the rewards of a job well done, the power of television as a communication medium, and Tina Fey cleaned up real purty. But we know what you were really thinking about. You were wondering Jon Hamm couldn't have tackled Bryan Cranston and taken the award for himself. You were wondering why Neil Patrick Harris hasn't challenged Jeremy Piven to a duel. You wanted Kyra Sedgwick and Holly Hunter to shove Glenn Close out of the way and decide this like animals.

We did too! Which is why we are now inaugurating a new feature on The Remote Island: Imaginary TV Fights. Fights that we all know could happen -- should happen -- on our televisions, but somehow never will. Maybe we can't get real-life actors to battle it out, but darned if we can't determine which of their characters would reign supreme in a full contact deathmatch. (You can't argue with science!)

Our guide through this Alternate History Channel will be Jake Kalish, raconteur and cryptopopculturalist, whose book Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights is helping worldwide to settle the question "Who'd win?" Han Solo or Indiana Jones? Muhammed Ali or Bruce Lee? Voltaire or Voltron? We contacted Kalish in his palatial Aspen estate and asked him to consider the many untapped wells of violence and domincation that exist throughout TV history, and identify a few of the most intriguing ones. Here is the first: the many sides of William Shatner duking it out in a threeway battle of the stars! (Well, "star," anyway.)

Read more...

Marry, F*ck or Kill?: American Idol Judges

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Last night's premiere of Season 7 of American Idol rolled out the red carpet for the good the bad, the ugly and the crazy.

And, oh what a night! There were drag queens, goth kids, jokers and one farm boy we're pretty sure we'd go to jail for looking at twice. And we're wiling to take that chance.

Ryan Seacrest may have had a homoerotic experience toward the end of the show, and it did not go unnoticed that Paula Abdul did not appear to be under the influence of anything.

But as always, the real stars of the show were the judges, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. So, which American Idol judge would you marry, fuck and kill?

The Results Are In: Marry, F*ck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:08:00 GMT

You guys were all over the place on the Marry, Fuck, Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, except for one common theme...

Most of you want to marry Hillary Clinton. Does this mean you want to vote for her? Or that only dudes commented and you're not allowed to marry other dudes?

Previously: Marry, F*ck or K*ll, Scanner Caucus Edition: Clinton, Obama, Edwards

Scanner Emily's Note to Self: Back That Sh*t Up!

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:21:00 GMT

You may have noticed my absence yesterday. Or maybe you didn't. Either way, not too long after posting Marry, Fuck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, my computer screen got all sci-fi and blinky on me and then I got the blue screen of death. Maybe the Feds really were coming for me, trying to hit me where it hurts most. Or maybe I should have seen it coming for the last year when every time I opened my computer it sounded like a cement mixer and all the letters were worn off the keyboard. Needless to say, I spent the day worrying whether everything on it (including my book that's due in five days), none of which was backed up, could be recovered. Thanks to the wonderful people at Tekserve, my book and a few other important files were salvaged. Now I have a shiny new MacBook (yes, mere weeks before Apple releases a new laptop) and a whole lotta' debt. Point being: back that shit up (though I'm probably the only idiot who didn't).

P.S. I don't have Photoshop yet or there'd be a big ole' heart around that Tekserve logo.

Marry, F*ck or Kill?: The Santa Claus Edition

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:31:00 GMT

While we kind-of feel like this one is a no-brainer, we have to ask those of you who are stuck at work and still reading Scanner today: whose Santa Claus would you marry, fuck and kill?

Tim Allen, Billy Bob Thorton and Paul Giamatti:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Edition...and Other Stuff

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 22:06:00 GMT

We came, we saw, wet got pregnant.

Highs:

We were pleased to learn that funny girls have better sex. And that we retained something from reasoning class, after all.

Scanner Bryan grew some facial hair and raised money for kids.

We got to know our neighbors a little better.

Jessica Simpson came back into our lives. If only for a little while. Twice, actually.

Whether you hated it or loved it, we hope you found the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide helpful.

Lows:

Oh Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn.

Someone thinks we should be killing people, but we prefer to stick to inanimate objects, food, modes of transportation, and the like.

Censorship.

We got bored, and turned ourselves into dancing elves. (And rhymed again).

Marry, F*uck or Kill?: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:30:00 GMT

For many of us, it's time to make the joyous, yet tedious trip home. But before we start boozing to try and forget why we ever left in the first place, we have to actually get there. So what do you choose: plane, train or automobile? While we hold out hope you've done it in all of them, it's time to choose which one you'd take home to meet mom, which one you'd bang in the wee hours of morning and leave before the sun comes up, and which you'd leave for dead.

Marry, F*ck or Kill?: Holiday Edition

April Peveteaux — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:50:00 GMT

It’s time to suspend that disbelief yet again and take on beloved and be-hated holiday characters from your past, and if you watch TNT, your continuous present. Here it is your Holiday Edition of M(e)rry, F*ck or Kill:

That naughty Grinch

The red-headed down there, Heat Miser

The Lamp from A Christmas Story

Let’s hear it for the ho, ho, ho holidays! Vote now.

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Thanksgiving Dinner

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:07:00 GMT

We at Scanner would like to go on record as huge fans of Thanksgiving dinner. From start to finish, it's the perfect meal. As we're peeling apples for pie, we want to know how you feel about the holiday. More specifically, we want to know what you do if forced to marry, fuck, or kill Thanksgiving dinner. The showdown is between turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Which would you make an honest meal out of, which would you gorge yourself on and leave before morning, and which would you feed to the dogs?

Marry, fuck, or kill?:

Turkey
Stuffing
Mashed potatoes

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: 80s Teen Movie Jennifers

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:30:00 GMT

We'll be honest, there are a lot of 80s teen movies and there are a lot of 80s teen movie queens. We all feel passionately about our favorites (cough - Phoebe Cates - cough). You may feel so passionately about yours, you'd like to mention her in the comments. But today, if you do nothing else, you must choose between 80s teen movie queens named Jennifer. We've married, fucked, and killed Jennifers before at Scanner, but it turns out Jennys are a sticky bunch. They just keep haunting our dreams. More specifically, Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing, Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Jennifer Beals in Flashdance keep us tossing and turning at night. While they're each spectacular, you can't have them all. No, you have to choose: Which Jennifer will you take to the chapel in leg warmers and a tube top, which Jennifer will you take to the backseat of your parents' car with a condom and a smile, and which Jennifer will you take to the morgue in a body bag. It's all you, rock stars.

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?:

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Jennifer Beals

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: The Men of American Gangster

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 14:30:00 GMT

American Gangster opens today, and while we haven't seen a movie at the theaters in months (pirated DVDs on the street are so much more convenient and cheap), come 8:30PM we'll be comfortably seated in the middle rows. What, you ask, could entice us to leave the comfort of our barstool for the sticky theater floors? These men, that's what. Denzel Washington is, well, Denzel. We'd pay a lot more that $10.50 to see him smile. Russell Crowe is fiery and that scruff has always done it for us. Chiwetel Ejiofor may not have the star recognition, but he sure has the acting chops and the good looks to turn heads. So how's this gonna go down, folks. Who's getting dragged to the Justice of the Peace, who's getting shagged on a pile of blow in a dirty motel room, and who will rest six feet under?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

Denzel Washington
Russell Crowe
Chiwetel Ejiofor

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Hottest Person/Worst Movie Runners-Up

sarahhepola — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 12:45:00 GMT

Boy, we sure had a fun time playing that “Hottest Person in the Worst Movie” contest with you guys. It was tough to pick a winner (though we did, and it shall be revealed soon). The ladies you see above you are our runners-up in the female category. It’s not fair that there can only be one winner, it’s not fair all of you can’t get vibrators and/or T-shirts, and it’s not fair (while we’re on this jaunt) that we will never sleep with Jonathan Rhys Meyers or kiss his pale, pillowy lips. What can we do? We can marry, fuck, or kill.

Milla Jovovich deserves to be here, because it’s possible she’s never actually been in a GOOD movie. (Dazed and Confused? She had no lines!). Gina Gershon in Bound was Angelina back when Angelina was still playing-acting her nutty goth girl schtick. (Though we must clarify that Bound, while campy, is a good movie.) Keira Knightley in Domino? Well, let’s just say we have a soft spot for Keira, and the way she uttered that ludicrous tagline, “I am Dome-eeh-noe.” So now, without further ado.

Marry, fuck, or kill?

Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil
Gina Gershon in Bound
Keira Knightey in Domino