Scanner : masturbating

Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion One Horny Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Did any of our Bay Area readers attend the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon last week? We would've been there, but we were too busy getting laid-- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Seriously, some guy named Masanobu Sato shattered his previous record for longest solo jerk at the annual event, with a cringe-inducing total of...

9 hours and 58 minutes. Dude, what, nine hours was fine, but you couldn't handle moving into the double digits? Sato spoke with San Francisco Weekly to explain just how the hell someone has a ten hour boner without 100mg's of Viagra...

The Snitch: What was the secret to you going for nearly 10 hours?

Sato: "My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed."

There you have it gents-- the reason you're only able to last 30 seconds, even when picturing members of The View in your head, is because you're not working out enough.

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Were you exhausted afterward?

"Definitely. I was so exhausted that I couldn't get up on time next day when I was supposed to go to airport to go back to Japan. Luckily, I didn't miss the flight though."

Did you ever have an orgasm?"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

By the way, TENGAs are a sex toy shop that's being promoted by the champion wanksta... in case you can't read his shirt.

Sato goes on to mention a World Championship this month in Copenhagen (road trip!) and ends with these unforgettable words:

I'm very happy that my family understands me well. Ordinary families in Japan don't do so. I wonder how US families are like....

Are you kidding me? Every Mom and Dad in America thinks their unmarried children are all virgins who don't even know what masturbation means...

Read the rest of the interview and see photos from the event here.

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Masturbation Month starts on Friday and one event this weekend promises to raise national awareness, at least via sex blogs, of this very important occasion.

By the way, it's not too late to become a Featured Masturbater yourself...

JOIN the 2009 Masturbate-a-thon!

3PM, Saturday, May 2nd
The Center for Sex & Culture
1519 Mission St., San Francisco
(Between S. Van Ness & 11th)
Order Your Voyeur Audience Tickets Now!
Click Here For Details

The event features the very hot Madison Young, BDSM porn star/director, pictured above, as well as Kirk Read, April Flores, Sadie Lune, Sister Roma, and many more masturbating performers. The press release warns eventgoers that they may look over and see most of the audience is joining the circle jerk, so "come" prepared. Or something. Anyway, we don't think you'll have a hard time getting off with the likes of these participants... which means you have no excuse but to become a Featured Masturbater (see link above) and then guest blog about it for us.

Are you an exhibitionist?
The daring can choose to become a masturbation porn star, showing all for our internet streaming cameras. The party will be featuring the kind of ribald fun to keep you wet and/or hard for hours. Sign up to masturbate live on-camera at the event in SF.

Are you a voyeur?
You don't have to signup as a masturbator to enjoy the event. Come as a spectator! To find out more about the cost, rules of respect or to reserve a space in voyeurs land, visit our spectator's page.

Attention Competitors
If you plan on challenging the World Record for Time you must be present by 10:30am PST to make the start.

Just want to wank with others?
We also have spaces set up away from the cameras and voyeurs where you can masturbate with others. There is are mixed gender, male only, and female only spaces.

Not Sure you want to be part of the live event?
You can join us by masturbating from home! Click here to find out how.

Of course, we'll have more on Masturbation Month as it happens.

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Is Our Children Learning About Internet Porn?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:21:00 GMT

The Sun, like the rest of us here in the world of serious journalism, has been unable to find anything interesting to talk about from this weekend's wire reports. So, instead, it decided to make up a crisis: "Internet Porn is Ruining Our Childrens' Futures, By God!"

Normally, we see this kind of idiotic rant on a daily basis and pass it by without even consciously registering that we've seen it. However, we're quite glad to have seen The Sun's disastrously funny take on the state of British teenagers... and we haven't even made it halfway yet...

A GENERATION of teens are growing up thinking they should behave like PORN STARS.

You gotta love the Sun for these opening lines. The combination of bold text and random ALL CAPS gives their leads the feel of a CRAZY-ASS New York City SUBWAY BUM POET'S handmade rant signs. ("WoRDSworth isn't worth SHIT. read ThiS!")

It leads to them having unsafe sex, boob jobs and Hollywood waxes. Girls as young as 14 and 15 are even stripping on webcams and sending pictures to boyfriends — who think writhing in front of a lens is the norm.

Oh, now they're called Hollywood waxes? Do you think-- I mean, really-- that girls are getting their pubic hair waxed because Jenna Haze gets it done? Right here, you know this Sun writer is just making this all up 10 minutes before her deadline.

Nearly nine out of ten youngsters aged 14 to 17 have seen porn and nearly one in five are viewing it more than once a week.

Look, Sun writer, I have a confession to make. When I was 14, I saw porn more than once a week. Every single guy I knew saw porn at least as much as I did-- it's called "stealing Playboy's from your uncle when he's drunk." And not one of the guys I knew ever got laid until they were at least 18. At least.

Sixty three per cent of teens surveyed say they do not discuss sex openly at home, while 77 per cent of those who watch porn say their parents are unaware they do it.

This may be the part that blows our minds the most. 77% of teens have been able to keep their porn addiction a secret? Meaning nearly a quarter of British parents are letting their kids get away with it? Wow... those are some cool parents.

You can read the rest of this nonsense here.

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

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Amazing Race Winner Stars In First Celebrity Webcam Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:44:00 GMT

Apologies to our gay readers, but despite what the above photo may lead you to believe, Amazing Race champion Eric Sanchez is involved in a purely naked, purely hetero webcam photo leak...

Sanchez, who partnered with Danielle Turner to take home the million-dollar prize in The Amazing Race: All Stars back in '07, was rumored to have performed a solo jerk for an unknown female lover, via webcam, for some time now. Over the past few days, photos have begun to emerge confirming this:

The subject is seen undressing, stepping to the side of the camera, and whacking it with his left hand, eventually landing a splooge in the righthand palm. These very, very NSFW porn pics are here.

We wouldn't even bother with this story if Sanchez hadn't shrugged it off in the first place, confirming that he is indeed its subject and almost bragging about how laid back he is. More power to him-- and more naked photos, please. The ladies of the internet firmly request it, good sir.

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While You Were Sleeping: Blake Fielder-Civil's 16-Year-Old Girlfriend?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Thrilla in vanilla: Michael Jackson's press conference announcing some London shows he'll soon cancel was not exactly a thriller. See the video Scanner Emily shared yesterday.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta has decided to turn down a job in the Obama Administration.

Hero of the day: the nurse who bought a disabled boy a fake vagina so he could get himself off.

Yeah, fuck the paps. Michelle Rodriquez rules.

A foot fetish story has NPR in hot water with the usual dumbass listeners who all apparently have broken radio dials.

Did you hear that a car crashed through The Mac Store in Eugene, Oregon on Tuesday? Scary footage here, story at this link.

One of those female Chinese medal winners turns to be a man.

Seinfeld cast members will take over Curb Your Enthusiasm in the upcoming season.

Madonna was named PETA's most hated.

Amy Winehouse's husband is rumored to be involved with a sixteen-year-old girl. We said "rumored" so don't sue is if they're just friends...

Michael Jackson's Statues Are Not Helping His Public Image

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The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Seeing as how your weekend is about to get very, very sexy (assuming you did Smiths Speed Dating or are having dinner with Judah Friedlander or have a significant other that knows romance always ends with great, sex-toy-involved sex), we present you with a few more sex toys for you to check out in time for tomorrow.

Yes, yes, we know we've done about 85 of these V-Day sex (toy) stories, but there can never be enough...

1) The Acuvibe, seen above.

Seen on Oprah Winfrey, the Acuvibe is a strong, user-friendly vibrator, perfect for women just starting to explore self-stimulation. Many women prefer the contoured shape of the Human Touch Acuvibe to the Magic Wand, but both vibrators are of equal quality.

Another website claims its webmaster(bator) was able to reach orgasm in under a minute using the old standby. Hey, you can get off while your fiancee is having a pee in the bathroom down the hall and he'll never know...

2) The Babeland Odyssey Tickler, a vibrator from Babeland, is for the couple that likes to joke around as much as fool around. Or, of course, you can have with it on your own time...

3) Big Daddy's Cock Ring. We laughed when we saw this advertised on Love Honey as being one of their most popular items, but the reviews are stellar, with the customers approaching euphoria or, um, orgasm in their recommendations.

Oh my god a cock ring that works !!!, 01 Dec 2008

Reviewer: Poseiden99, a Married Straight Male

Not being someone who would normally write a review but having used the other reviews to decide which cock ring to buy I thought I would add one to this fantastic cock ring.
I purchased this recently while shopping for a new toy for my wife, having tried a few cock rings that were all failures I was reluctant to waste money on a new one.
This cock ring is excellent and yes it really does work, yes it does make your erection stronger and harder, and yes it does make your cock more sensitive.

4) The Remote Butterfly. Despite somewhat disappointed reviews, this awesome vibrating panty is averaging four out of five stars. Perhaps it's easy to thrill customers who purchase a vibrating panty that can be operated via remote control-- something this ridiculous is bound to please whoever is nutty (or daring) enough to plunk down $100 on this toy...

Check it out at Babeland, where many of the above products are sold.

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With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

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While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

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Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:58:00 GMT

John Landis, the director of the Thriller video, is suing Michael Jackson, who wants to do a Broadway musical of the hit song.

This is the funniest prisoner escape story we've yet come across.

Here's how we really do not want to die: sitting on a toilet, having just masturbated with a gas mask over our faces, discovered by a co-worker, on our second day on the job.

Blackwater has been denied a license to kill operate in Iraq.

Cindy Adams weighs in on the Oscar buzz (now they're saying Sean Penn will win Best Actor) and celebs griping about photographers.

The latest White House rumor? Michelle Obama is pregnant.

And Mickey Rourke will not participate in Wrestlemania after all. He was probably joking around-- either that or they didn't offer him enough moolah.

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Apparently, Times Square's Seedy Side Moved To Eugene, Oregon...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:48:00 GMT

A recent post in the Rants 'n Raves section of Craig's List Eugene alerted us to the fact that there are places called "sex arcades" where, instead of watching a peep show, people have sex on their lunch breaks.

Wha?

Here's how it breaks down: according to a Time Magazine story from April of 2005 (ouch-- we have been missing out), Houston's "so-called adult bookstores... offer private booths in which patrons can watch 25¢ peep-show movies and engage in anonymous sex with other patrons through holes cut in the walls." Sure, we were aware of the existence of glory holes and were well aware peep shows could be used for all varieties of sex, and that sex shops sold books (books! what the hell do we need those for in this day and age of free internet hardcore movies?) What we weren't aware of is that they are all happening under one roof these days, and that they are happening in small cities like Eugene, Oregon, for starters.

The unsigned Craig's List post by a "bookstore" employee offers us advice for our first an all future visits. As usual, we offer an abbreviated version of the epic-as-hell piece:

1) It is a complete wast[e] of time to become upset when I refuse to shake your hand after you exit the arcade.

2) I'm sorry if you have only limited time to have gay sex with a stranger during your lunch break. If the only customers I have in the arcade are so old you are wondering how they remain upright, much less get it up, I simply can't waive a magic wand and fill the arcade with an all gay swim team. ...I am not a resident fall back option and I'm sorry, but offering me cash for sex will not change my mind on this one (ever).

3) If you enter a booth with a window, please don't be surprised if you look up and find someone watching you.... If you enter a booth with a gloryhole, please don't be surprised if at some point a penis comes through it. Also don't be surprised if a voice comes through it asking for you to stick your penis through the hole, it's what it's there for.

4) You enter a booth, insert a 1, 5, 10, or 20 dollar bill into the bill acceptor, and have a seat. The movie will play until the time limit for the amount of money you put into the machine runs out. If at that time you have not managed to relieve yourself you have still received what you paid for. Sitting in a booth with no money in the machine while you desperately try to grunt out a quick one is just not acceptable.

4[B]) If you happen to be a horny gay man (nothing wrong with that) and inappropriately proposition another man in the parking lot and he punches you in the mouth, YOU HAD IT COMING.

5) I could care less if you have a wedding ring on as you suck off 12 dudes... I don't care if you enjoy dressing in your little sisters cloth[e]s and putting on a show for strangers in a window booth.... I do not need a play by play description of what you were just doing. Keep it to yourself or write it in your journal or whatever.... I will not be impressed, seriously.

6) If you pee in the trashcans and I catch you you will be cleaning that booth and I will be berating you the entire time it takes you.

7) [I]f you come walking out of the arcade with cum in your beard, on your shirt, pants, whatever, I reserve the right to point and laugh. We thoughtfully provide paper towels just for that situation.

8) We have janitors clean the arcade 3 times a day, every day. I can do little for you if the booth you so desperately need to whack off in has a load of cum dripping down the monitor.

He lists his location as "whack shack." You can read the full-length rants here.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:55:00 GMT

After a holiday hiatus, our regular feature returns. This week's list is wishful thinking-- we probably couldn't get away with outdoor sex in today's 36-degree New York weather... you'll have to let us know how your reenactments go in warmer climes...

5. U-Turn. Honestly, we didn't even remember that Jennifer Lopez was in this movie before finding this clip. Still haunting our memories, however, are those extreme closeups of Billy Bob Thornton's teeth.

Jennifer Lopez Outdoor Sex Scene

4. The Hot Spot. This tender nude scene was featured on our Jennifer Connelly list way back when. Hey, if you want to complain about seeing Jennifer Connelly naked again, we can't really help you.

Jennifer Connelly - The Hot Spot

3. Three. We would've had to field serious complaints if we didn't include this raunchy, sexual assault-turned cheeseball sex scene from some straight-to-DVD Kelly Brook vehicle. You'd be amazed how many fans this actress has...

Beach Sex

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. The two sex scenes with Jennifer Jason Leigh in this movie take place outdoors (one, in a semi-private changing room; the other, a baseball dugout), but they're clearly overshadowed by this sex-free fantasy sequence that would be our #1... if... only... she would touch someone... anyone...

Phoebe Cates-Fast Times At Ridgemont High

1. Domino. We're pretty sure it doesn't happen like this in the original cut of the movie (or any official cut, for that matter), but the homemade repeition is an addition we're thankful for.

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Madonna Has Sex With Herself To Benefit Louis Vuitton

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Before you knock Madonna and call her irrelevant, you should know that she was the #1 live performer of 2008. (Of course, the Rolling Stones and the Grateful Dead were not on tour and Springsteen did a smaller tour this year. Oh, and the $200 tickets couldn't have hurt her numbers.)

So, not only are these entirely newsworthy-- and, hey, because her crotch is inarguably the focal point here, these photos qualify as "sex news," as well...

Via Jossip.

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Do the Robot With a Masturbating Machine Made of Legos

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 21:01:00 GMT

Yes, some jackoff invented a "beat off machine" that's made out of Legos and offers, according to the gutteral narrations of the following video demonstration, "multiple speeds and everything."

"And everything" does not appear to include "anything approaching natural feeling." Looks like Rosie Palm and her Five Sisters won't be out of business any time soon.

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Image: myconfinedspace.com

While You Were Sleeping: Scores Strikes Out

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

Here's a new one: a guy caught jerking off near a couple of teenage girls says he was only giving himself "a groin massage." Bonus quote: "I haven't had an erection in the last ten years."

Here's another excuse for you: "Honey, I have to leave the toilet seat up, lest it fall on our young son's penis."

The Arcade Fire may be preparing to release a DVD.

Sherman Alexie's book "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian," a well-deserved National Book Award Winner, has been banned in an Oregon school after one parent complained. Their issue with the book?

[Hank] Moss, reached today by The Oregonian, said the book includes "a reference about masturbation, and that it's ok and no big deal." He added that he felt it was "inappropriate."

Hey, Hank! Find us any book taught at a high school in the United States and we'll find something in it that you'd find "inappropriate." Let me guess, you think the Bible is an "appropriate" book for children?

We hope she rots in the hell her victims believe in: a woman used her four-year-old daughter as bait to rip off generous churches.

Scores may blame the failing New York economy on its recent decision to shut down, but it also have avoided letting prostitutes do business inside its walls.

Jeremy Piven lost Barack Obama's phone number. How come, in an age where cell phones snyc to computers and all computers have address books, people still lose phone numbers?

And the original Luke Skywalker light saber went for $240,000.

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Cornell Is Obsessed With Armpit Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:25:00 GMT

The ladies of prostegious Cornell University have an axillism fetish: they all seemingly want their boyfriends to have sex with their (sometimes hairy) armpits...

Axillism is defined by Sex Lexis as "sexual climax achieved by masturbating the penis in the armpit of a partner." At Cornell, apparently, it's known as "Tuesday night."

My boyfriend won’t fuck my armpit.
As far as I can tell, there is no lady-on-lady equivalent, and no name for the desire to be the receiving partner. Which would have been me. If Boyf would have just shut up and done it.
I first found out about axillism right here in The Sun, when my dear friend Ariela Rutkin-Becker printed an article in defense of the armpit called “Pity for the Pits.” In it, Ariela praises the pit and mentions the radical love some have for it with a caveat: “You should keep those personal details to yourself. The world just might not be ready for that quite yet.” Well here we go, world, ready or not.

The writer of the above is Liana Mancini, who continues her Cornell Sun tome by admitting that, prior to growing a forest in her pits, she had no interest in experiencing axillism. Now, even with a disinterested boyfriend (the jerk!), she's even willing to try self-axillism rather than go back to regular sex:

I started with a little touching. Nothing. A little stroking. Still nothing. I talked a little dirty to my pits in the hopes of arousing their inner beasts. Hell, I damn near tried to contort myself so I could see if maybe they just needed insertion from different angles. Nothing! Call me a quitter, but after twenty minutes of trying to woo my tufts into magical sensations, I gave up. I guess a pit-job really is for the benefit of the penis-bearer. But not my penis-bearing boyfriend. Gosh.

Well, there's always vibrators, Liana...

Via the Cornell Sun.

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Bad Tarzan! No! No!

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 16:16:00 GMT

http://view.break.com/596146 - Watch more free videos

If this Tarzan doll is any indication, you can take a toy out of the wild, but you just can take the wild out of the toy. Maybe Tarzan should spend a little more time with Jane, because this behaviour is so not suitable for children.

[via YesButNoButYes]

Thing #7,859 Not To F*ck: A Metal Rod

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:46:00 GMT

You would think it would be a woman (or, if was a guy, then a guy simulating some anal action) that would be the one to try having sex with a metal rod. As insane as the idea is, we'd at least relate to it if someone stuck a long, sturdy tube in their private parts... but only if those parts were the ass or the vagina...

...certainly not if they stuck a long, study tube anywhere else...

We heard about this story last night and thought for sure it would be retracted by now or at least updated to say that actually, the metal rod would turn out to have been used for some other purpose other than this...

"We didn't know what he was doing, but we knew it's not right to have your pants down in a park," says witness Jeff Niemeier.

On scene, deputies found 55-year old Larry Williamson sitting on a picnic table naked, masturbating, with a metal rod protruding from his penis.

Sorry, but we cannot fathom this. The most painful experience of our lives was getting a routine STD test in which a (can't even type the word) was shoved inside (nope, can't finish the sentence either-- it was that traumatizing.) In our experience, nothing is ever, ever supposed to go in there and anytime it does... it causes excruciating pain of the most unimaginable order. Like being tied to a chair naked and getting whacked in the balls by a villain with some sort of eye disease. Yowch.

PS This guy has been busted for this before-- not the metal rod part, thank God-- and was found with:

binoculars, sex toys, male enhancement drugs, lotions, a small dog, candy and bags of cotton candy-things often used to lure children.

Good Christ! What the hell was he going to do with the small dog?! Never mind, the metal rod thing around caused us considerable emotional distress, we don't want to know any more...

Via WEHT.

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Thing #387 Not to F*ck: A Hong Kong Park Bench

Want To Have Sex With Obama?

Don't F*ck With People From Detroit

Today in Food We'd Like to F*ck: The Hamburger Fatty Melt

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

Robert Downey Jr. Used to Love Himself, Compulsively.

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:12:00 GMT

We're not saying he self-hates now. But, according to Now, Robert Downey Jr. used to know how to show himself a good time.

‘I was a compulsive, serial masturbator,’ he says. ‘But it was the best thing I could have been.‘I utilised that organ and rode it for everything it was worth.’

So why didn't Iron Man keep it up? These days, Robert Downey Jr. is married and has not "utilised that organ" much lately because the union with his wife "is sacred." Aw.

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us.

Highs:

We learned to love Matt Damon. A little.

We helped spread some rumors about the Palin kids. And that was fun.

We did what we could to help the giant penis man.

We got super sappy over Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding video.

We just can't get enough Photoshopped pictures of Republicans.

We found the most ~~inappropriate~~ amazing slide ever.

We know what you're getting for Christmas.

We learned some new ways to talk about masturbation.

Lows:

Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan reminded us that yesterday was September 11. And then it got worse.

We learned the war on sex may last longer than the war in Iraq.

We were completely overwhelmed with nude pictures of Sarah Palin.

We saw our future flash before our eyes, and devised a plan to change it.

Minnie Driver still won't tell us who her baby daddy is. But we have some ideas on the subject.

We sold out on our local Fox station.

[Image]

Boy Catches Teacher Jerking Off... On The Teacher's Porch

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 21:04:00 GMT

The above photo has nothing to do with the story. However, the teacher may have used lotion.

Here's a kid who will certainly be scarred for the rest of his sexual life: he's 16 and walking past his former teacher's house at eleven o'clock at night, when he sees teach sitting there, totally naked, rubbing one out for all the world to see...

According to KMPH in Fresno, the teacher in question is a 57-year-old special ad instructor named Mark Greene. Greene told police that he had been boozing it up and then remembered, "Oops, time to take my prescription medication that specifically says I'm not supposed to drink alcohol with." Then he stepped out onto his porch to "relieve some stress." Great idea, although think maybe you could have stayed inside with your laptop, closed curtains, and fantasies about being whipped by 90-year-olds in diapers?*

"The original call came from a father who stated that his 16-year-old son was in the neighborhood and discovered Mr. Greene sitting on a bench in the front yard of a home. He was fully exposed, fully naked and he was actually masturbating at the time," Jeff Cardinale, Fresno Police Department, said.

When police arrived at the 1500 block of North Poplar, they found Greene just as the child described him.

"He was in fact fully naked and fully erect when officers discovered him about a block and a half from where the original call came out," Cardinale said.

Best of all is this quote from a student who attends the school that, the following day, Greene was sent home from pending an investigation. We're not sure whether it's a typo or the fact that the student is just a little kid and maybe we're being overly harsh or that the kid's poor sentence structure says more about the local school system than Greene's arrest ever could:

"It makes me feel awkward because he's a man teacher and there's other, so we don't even know if they might do that," Kassandra Solis, student, said.

Nope. It's just bad typing... read the rest of the story here.

*Actual fantasy unknown

Related:

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

Penis Iceberg, Right Ahead!

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Ayveq the Masturbating Walrus is Dead at 14

Top 10 Funniest Slang Terms For Masturbation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 19:56:00 GMT

Did you know there are over one thousand substitutes for the word "masturbation," all created by skateboarding hipster kids in Southern California?

The makers of The Masturbation List did, and shared all 1,000 terms (mainly guys can use) with us. We whittled (!) it down to a Top 10:

10. Slobbin' the Milosevich

9. Answer the bone-a-phone

8. Play with Burt Reynolds' mustache

7. Beef-strokin'-off

4. Ben your Franklin

6. Date Palmela Handerson

5. "Just need a little time with my e-mail, that's all..."

4. Lubricate the Lutheran

3. High-five Yule Brenner

2. Our Gang Spanky Marathon

1. Pat the Robertson

And yes, we read all one thousand to bring you this pointless exercise... yes, we have that kind of time...

Honorable mentions: Vote Republican, Bash the bishop, Battle the Cyclops, Rub the rhubarb, Fire the surgeon general; Molest the bystander; Five knuckle shuffle; Go down to the zipper mart to pick up a pound of pork; and Paint Pontius Pilate's Palace.

Via the Masturbation List. Photo of John Mayer via Celeb Newswire.

Related:

Those Who Can, Do; Those Who Can't, Teach Porn Techniques...

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Ayveq the Masturbating Walrus is Dead at 14

A Walk in the Sexy Park

Connecticut Teens Busted For Classroom BJ

Pam And Tommy Lee Back In The Swing Of Things

Sloppy Seconds: Matthew Broderick And Sarah Jessica Parker On The Run?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 21:25:00 GMT

John McCain waited for Obama to buy $5 million in ad to air during the Olympics before making his own $6 million buy. He'll do the same thing, kinda, with his VP choice.

Charlie Sheen, the highest paid actor on TV (hang your heads in shame, everyone), paid a doctor bill with loose change.

Lindsay Lohan's Dad is in the news again...

...this time he says because of his supposed "Christian values," he must refuse to walk his lesbian daughter down the aisle.

Baseball hasn't been this hip since the fifties: Wilco played "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley last night, during the 7th inning stretch.

A man has been jailed for "fondling himself" while running naked after a garbage truck. Guess we're not hip enough to be up to date on the latest fetishes.

Grand Theft Auto is back under the microscope after a kid killed a cab driver to see if real life is anything like his favorite game.

Amanda Peet says people should ignore the advice of famous actors and listen to her advice instead. In other news, Amanda Peet is apparently not an actor.

And Matthew Broderick and-- gasp!-- SJP may have to leave New York (scandal!) or at least find a new place to live because the paparazzi won't leave the couple alone. It doesn't help that your husband is probably cheating on you, Ms. Parker.

Crush of the Week: GTA IV's Lollipop Girl

Songs of Love and Hate: V-Day Edition

Did Eliot Spitzer Get Charlie Sheen's Sloppy Seconds?

Charlie Sheen In Today's (Second?) Biggest Hooker Scandal

Michael Lohan Sells Out Lindsay Once Again

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:25:00 GMT

The Frisky has had a post up for a few days on the Nine Sexiest Songs About Masturbation. Ever since we came across it, we've been wondering how definitive it really is.

Meanwhile, we've come up with our own list...

10. The Vapors - Turning Japanese. The Vapors have milked this one for years-- both for their only chart hit and to keep the amusing rumor going, but this may not be about masturbation after all. Wikipedia says it's actually a love song and that the masturbation thing came after interview requests started coming in. (Hint: "Turning Japanese" allegedly refers to a guy squinting hard when he jerks off.)

9. Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand. She didn't write it, so we can't hate her for it. “Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand... I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way.”

8. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself. How we missed this over the million times we've heard it, we're not sure. (Maybe it's because we're usually having sex when it's on?) “When there’s no-one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself.”

7. Ween - Mister Richard Smoker. We were also thinking "Picture of Lily" (the Who) and some other ones for this slot (yeah, Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" would work, but may be a bit too creepy): "Mister Richard Smoker/you're a chicken choker/tonight you're gonna let it all hang out/pantyhose and aqua net"

6. Tori Amos - Icicle. We never thought men could masturbate to Tori Amos, but there's something really hot about hearing her sing “And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”

5. Chuck Berry - My Ding A Ling. Won't you play with it?

4. Elvis Costello - Pump It Up. Double meanings are great because they enable songs to bypass stuff censors who miss the joke. Case in point: this 1978 single, which is ostensibly about turning up the volume. Yeah, on your own getting off! "Pump it up when you don't really need it/Pump it up until you can feel it/Down in the pleasure center/hell bent or heaven-sent..."

3. Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun. Gordon Gano stained his sheets, which is so much less of an uncomfortable image than it has any right to be.

3. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself. Duh: "I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself."

2. Prince - Darling Nikki. We'll let The Frisky intro this one, since they did such a nice job:

This song and it’s racy lyrics is what prompted Tipper Gore to form the Parents Music Resource Center, which eventually led to the use of “Parental Advisory” stickers and imprints on album covers. The song was also dubbed ‘pornographic’ and ‘satanic’. Awesome! “I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said how’d you like to waste some time/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.”

1. Cyndi Lauper - She Bop. What, you didn't know what a "she bop" is? From the "Self Service" sign in the video to lines like:

I see them every night in tight blue jeans -
In the pages of a blue boy magazine
Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up - good vibration -
Oop - she bop

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop - or I'll go blind
Oop - she bop - she bop...

Via The Frisky. Thanks, Wendy!

Weirdo of the Day: San Francisco's "No Sex" Protestor

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:31:00 GMT

Who is Owen Dias and why doesn't he want people to have sex?

Five days a week since 1986, Dias has parked himself on that fire hydrant (see above) with his trusty sign and taunts of "No sex!" and "No sloppy seconds!" (Not even Scanner's Sloppy Seconds, Owen?)

Owen and his sign define unlawful sex as anything other than a “virgin man and a virgin women” in marriage (read: he or she who has masturbated or looked upon another in lust is no longer a virgin). If you’ve had any other type of nooky, he says the only way you can get right with the Lord is to stop having sex for the rest of your days.

Best of all, Dias is certainly an expert on the evils and perils of sex because... wait, he's a 71-Year-Old Virgin?!

“I’ve never had sex in my whole life,” the 71-year-old boasts in his round, rolling accent that sounds vaguely like he’s from the Louisiana bayou. “Never masturbated in my whole life either. Since I came out of my mother’s womb.”

Ewww... we never want to read "masturbated" and "my mother's womb" in the same sentence again.

A chunky teenage kid with braces snapped a photo. “It’s hilarious,” the kid said, “and true.” Dias was obviously pleased: “A young kid that thinks it’s also true.” Of course, the kid also announced he was from Maryland.

We all know what that kid will be doing in two or three years, especially since he's from Maryland...

Via SFWeekly.

Ayveq the Masturbating Walrus is Dead at 14

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:27:00 GMT

Ayveq — a 2,700-pound walrus who was by far the New York Aquarium's most popular attraction for his public masturbation — is dead at fourteen, most likely from a "massive" bacterial infection. This was an untimely death for the walrus, who had entertained visitors to the aquarium (and himself) since his arrival from Alaska in 1994.

“We are all still in shock about it,” Aquarium Director Jon Forrest Dohlin told The Brooklyn Paper. “He was an absolute delight. He had a magnetism and a charm that was totally his own. He loved people and he knew how to work a crowd and entertain guests — and himself. He did have a raffish charm, no doubt about it.”

And as The Intelligencer points out, The Brooklyn Paper's Gersh Kuntzman (who is never afraid to go there and still owes us a freelance check!) was the only publication to give Ayveq credit where credit is due:

"Ayveq loved the attention and, if for some reason, visitors failed to notice him, he would flip his flippers at the glass to attract attention, 'look them straight in the eye and give them a great big walrus grin.'" [WNBC]

"Aquarium staff held a subdued service yesterday to remember the charismatic creature who loved to whistle and give them whiskery kisses." [NYDN]

"Ayveq, the walrus whose bizarre, though oddly compelling, masturbation rituals made him an international sensation at the New York Aquarium, has died. He was 14. Though well-liked long before he discovered the habit that would make him a star, Ayveq’s frequent public self-gratification made him the Coney Island institution’s singular attraction." [Brooklyn Paper]

Ayveq, whose name translates to "walrus" in Siberian Yupik, leaves behind a partner, Kulusiq, a son, Akituusaq, and probably lots of walrus cum in the tank.

[The Brooklyn Paper: Death of a Legend]

[Video via 12th St David's flickr]

Steamy Steampunks

Steve McKay — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Hey there you Goths. Are you tired of all these porno sellouts trying to saturate the goth-sex market by slapping on a pair of pin-striped stockings, frowning and licking their gross fake boobs? We mean, there are some real-deals out there, but after a while the discerning gothic masturbater needs a break from Liz Vicious, tattooed lesbians and “amateur” couples shoving black candles up their bum-bums. What is next? We see a great future (or should we say retro-future?) in the Steampunk movement. What is this you ask? Wake up and smell your cockney robot maid’s Victorian-era coffee. Picture The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but in real life, and then add sex. Hot right?

Video of the Day: "I'm Masturbating!!!"

Emily Farris — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 16:12:00 GMT

This Czech (?) model is like a giant tampon-dildo hybrid on acid! We can only assume she's auditioning for a tampon ad and got her English M-words a little mixed up. That, or the people auditioning her are total assholes. Probably a combination of both — a hilarious combination. (SFW)

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

Emily Farris — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:54:00 GMT

To be fair, having a broken wrist will do that to a girl.

But the cast is finally off and we plan to take full advantage of the sixteen days left in National Masturbation Month. Which, as Fleshbot points out, is also National Orgasm Month, Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month and, uh, National Salad Month and National Barbeque Month. And Bike Month, and Good Car Keeping Month, but back to the masturbation stuff...

Happy ~~fucking~~ Masturbation Month! We'll do our best to bring you some items to get you in the mood for next couple of weeks. Did Lily Allen's boobs do it for anyone?

There Go Economy Class Hand Jobs

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:37:00 GMT

Delta's new "cozy suite" seats might make flying economy class more pleasant for most people. But what about the folks who like to get to know their neighbor or travel companion a little better under a dirty fleece blanket? Do the arm rests even go up? Geez. At least it will make in-flight masturbating a little easier.

[Gizmodo: Delta "Cozy Suite" Seats Make Economy Class Semi-Tolerable]