Scanner : masturbation

Masturbate-A-Thon 2009 Champion One Horny Dude

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:14:00 GMT

Did any of our Bay Area readers attend the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon last week? We would've been there, but we were too busy getting laid-- ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Seriously, some guy named Masanobu Sato shattered his previous record for longest solo jerk at the annual event, with a cringe-inducing total of...

9 hours and 58 minutes. Dude, what, nine hours was fine, but you couldn't handle moving into the double digits? Sato spoke with San Francisco Weekly to explain just how the hell someone has a ten hour boner without 100mg's of Viagra...

The Snitch: What was the secret to you going for nearly 10 hours?

Sato: "My abundant imagination was a key to my triumph firstly. Secondly, I trained a lot in Japan from the time I won the 1st prize last year. I swam twice a week, and gained about 5 kgs in muscle.That helped me a lot, too in terms of stamina. Thirdly, the variety of sensations each TENGA gave me was ideal for long masturbation. Without those variety sensations, my dick would feel the same sensation for a long time, which would paralyze my dick in the end. I use as many as 10 different TENGAs so that my dick avoids being paralyzed."

There you have it gents-- the reason you're only able to last 30 seconds, even when picturing members of The View in your head, is because you're not working out enough.

Was there any point you felt you couldn't go on? How did you get through those moments?

"Yes. Twice I felt I couldn't go on. I took great advantage of Japanese pornos as I prepared. Also I imagined many supporters in Japan including my girlfriend, family, co-workers etc...that I can't let them down."

Were you exhausted afterward?

"Definitely. I was so exhausted that I couldn't get up on time next day when I was supposed to go to airport to go back to Japan. Luckily, I didn't miss the flight though."

Did you ever have an orgasm?"Yes. I've come once in a halfway round. I continued masturbating without taking any rest or becoming flaccid then."

By the way, TENGAs are a sex toy shop that's being promoted by the champion wanksta... in case you can't read his shirt.

Sato goes on to mention a World Championship this month in Copenhagen (road trip!) and ends with these unforgettable words:

I'm very happy that my family understands me well. Ordinary families in Japan don't do so. I wonder how US families are like....

Are you kidding me? Every Mom and Dad in America thinks their unmarried children are all virgins who don't even know what masturbation means...

Read the rest of the interview and see photos from the event here.

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

My New Favorite Website: Sex Advice With All the Inaccuracies of Yahoo Questions

Drew Grant — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:58:00 GMT

I was introduced to the site Is It Normal by some forum friends back in February. There was some lady asking a bunch of Internet strangers whether "It was normal" (hence the site's title) to be an overweight woman whose boyfriend's Feeder fetish was getting a little...extreme. Now, making fun of someone who has a legitimate sex issue is not okay. Making fun of someone because they posted an entire novel on a publicized Internet site about how their boyfriend wants to put a funnel down their throat and fill them up with cornmeal? That's a little different: that falls under a category I like to call "asking for it."

Yet I had forgotten all about the hall of mirrors after that one instance, but decided to check out the site today on a whim. And of course, the sex questions remain mind-bogglingly hilarious.

What's great about this question is that your first reaction is to laugh as a defense mechanism. Because lets face it, we've all been there. And maybe if I had a website growing up that told me that 61% of Internet users think it's normal to masturbate in front of your pet, I wouldn't have had to "free" my birds and iguana back into the wild in 10th grade. RIP Snorky. :-(

Celebrate National Masturbation Month with the Masturbate-a-Thon

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 20:20:00 GMT

Masturbation Month starts on Friday and one event this weekend promises to raise national awareness, at least via sex blogs, of this very important occasion.

By the way, it's not too late to become a Featured Masturbater yourself...

JOIN the 2009 Masturbate-a-thon!

3PM, Saturday, May 2nd
The Center for Sex & Culture
1519 Mission St., San Francisco
(Between S. Van Ness & 11th)
Order Your Voyeur Audience Tickets Now!
Click Here For Details

The event features the very hot Madison Young, BDSM porn star/director, pictured above, as well as Kirk Read, April Flores, Sadie Lune, Sister Roma, and many more masturbating performers. The press release warns eventgoers that they may look over and see most of the audience is joining the circle jerk, so "come" prepared. Or something. Anyway, we don't think you'll have a hard time getting off with the likes of these participants... which means you have no excuse but to become a Featured Masturbater (see link above) and then guest blog about it for us.

Are you an exhibitionist?
The daring can choose to become a masturbation porn star, showing all for our internet streaming cameras. The party will be featuring the kind of ribald fun to keep you wet and/or hard for hours. Sign up to masturbate live on-camera at the event in SF.

Are you a voyeur?
You don't have to signup as a masturbator to enjoy the event. Come as a spectator! To find out more about the cost, rules of respect or to reserve a space in voyeurs land, visit our spectator's page.

Attention Competitors
If you plan on challenging the World Record for Time you must be present by 10:30am PST to make the start.

Just want to wank with others?
We also have spaces set up away from the cameras and voyeurs where you can masturbate with others. There is are mixed gender, male only, and female only spaces.

Not Sure you want to be part of the live event?
You can join us by masturbating from home! Click here to find out how.

Of course, we'll have more on Masturbation Month as it happens.

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Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

Is Our Children Learning About Internet Porn?

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:21:00 GMT

The Sun, like the rest of us here in the world of serious journalism, has been unable to find anything interesting to talk about from this weekend's wire reports. So, instead, it decided to make up a crisis: "Internet Porn is Ruining Our Childrens' Futures, By God!"

Normally, we see this kind of idiotic rant on a daily basis and pass it by without even consciously registering that we've seen it. However, we're quite glad to have seen The Sun's disastrously funny take on the state of British teenagers... and we haven't even made it halfway yet...

A GENERATION of teens are growing up thinking they should behave like PORN STARS.

You gotta love the Sun for these opening lines. The combination of bold text and random ALL CAPS gives their leads the feel of a CRAZY-ASS New York City SUBWAY BUM POET'S handmade rant signs. ("WoRDSworth isn't worth SHIT. read ThiS!")

It leads to them having unsafe sex, boob jobs and Hollywood waxes. Girls as young as 14 and 15 are even stripping on webcams and sending pictures to boyfriends — who think writhing in front of a lens is the norm.

Oh, now they're called Hollywood waxes? Do you think-- I mean, really-- that girls are getting their pubic hair waxed because Jenna Haze gets it done? Right here, you know this Sun writer is just making this all up 10 minutes before her deadline.

Nearly nine out of ten youngsters aged 14 to 17 have seen porn and nearly one in five are viewing it more than once a week.

Look, Sun writer, I have a confession to make. When I was 14, I saw porn more than once a week. Every single guy I knew saw porn at least as much as I did-- it's called "stealing Playboy's from your uncle when he's drunk." And not one of the guys I knew ever got laid until they were at least 18. At least.

Sixty three per cent of teens surveyed say they do not discuss sex openly at home, while 77 per cent of those who watch porn say their parents are unaware they do it.

This may be the part that blows our minds the most. 77% of teens have been able to keep their porn addiction a secret? Meaning nearly a quarter of British parents are letting their kids get away with it? Wow... those are some cool parents.

You can read the rest of this nonsense here.

Even Christians Admit That Abstinence Pledges Don't Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:07:00 GMT

We liberal athiests can talk all we want about the fact that virginity pledges and purity rings don't really work, but even with statistics, it's just us against them. But when Christian bloggers start writing about it, we have to ask: I can haz sex education?

Mark Gungor, a writer for the Christian Post writes:

A recent survey showed that teens who take abstinence pledges are just as likely to have sex and are less likely to take precautions against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Many in the faith community are disheartened by such study results, but I can see how this happens. And it’s not a problem with the kids; it’s a problem of parenting. Parents assume because the church is doing something like having the kids make abstinence pledges and wearing promise rings, they don’t have to do anything. Parents are not taking their responsibility to parent and raise these kids; they get them to take the pledge and then take their hands off. They allow these young men and young women to spend inordinate amounts of time together alone and think that a purity ring on their finger is going to be the magic force field of protection. Listen, for teenagers to have sex, they have to have the opportunity to have sex and poor parenting is giving them the opportunities.

Unfortunately, he goes on to advocate for less privacy for teens. You know, don't let your kids hang out alone in the basement. But hey, at least he uses the word boobies:

I am stunned at how blatantly stupid some Christian parents seem to be when it comes to sexual things. They let their kids watch all kinds of blatantly sexual images in movies and on television with little thought of how those images and messages can affect them. I know of a pastor friend who allowed his young daughter to see the movie Titanic at least 11 times. This same pastor was all worried about anything she saw that he deemed to be satanic, like Harry Potter, but not at all concerned about his 14 year old daughter learning the lessons found in a movie like Titanic. And the lessons are very simple: If you really like a boy you can let him see your boobies and he can draw pictures of your boobies, and if you really like him, you can have sex with him two days later…

Look, the chances of your teenage daughter wanting to jump on a broom and fly around the room are pretty low. But, the chances that your daughter’s boyfriend will want to touch her boobies, well… I’d give that a pretty big chance, wouldn’t you? Talk about straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel! We need to get our priorities straight.

What he forgot to mention are the chances your daughter will want to dry hump the hell out of that broom. And parents: let her do that.

[Christian Post: Abstinence Pledges Fail]

Related:

Happy Abstinence-Only Education Day!

Michigan Backs Teen Pregnancy and the Spread of STDs with $1.4M Grant

Abstinence-Only Education Doesn't Work

Slimy Married Dude Thinks His Sneaky Strip Club Visits Are A Good Thing

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 20:32:00 GMT

Today on Your Tango, some busy business man makes excuses for his strip club addiction, telling us that it "helps" his marriage.

His other reasons are equally unbelieveable...

Let's be clear: if your man plies his trade taking client abuse or has ever attended a conference that finds him in a hotel banquet hall for 12 hours of Powerpoint torture, you can assume your honey has blown off steam, at least once, by contributing to some gal's plastic surgery fund, one crumpled bill at a time.

I am the garden-variety business-traveling strip club patron, for whom a lap dance with a client is like a harmless game of golf. You tuck a dollar bill or five or 20 inside a G-string, sit back for an innocent bump n' grind, have a few laughs with associates over the thundering drums of a Motley Crue song, wonder where your money went as you comb the sticky carpet looking for stray bills around your seat, and leave the joint lighter of both heart and wallet.

My wife knows she has absolutely nothing to worry about, and neither do most women. She knows I would not blow her trust by paying a scantily clad woman $500 to take my pasty, fat married ass into some back room for an hour. No good can come of that. Plus I'm too lazy to bulldoze my tracks and too cheap to burn a good Brooks Brothers shirt when perfume and glitter won't come out of the fabric.

Now, that's not a wholesale guarantee of good male behavior, and I don't pretend to represent mankind as a whole. My wife and I have been married for 16 years; the drama quotient is remarkably low, the passion remarkably hot and we've never needed any chemical or psychological intermediaries to keep it that way.

"You can take care of yourself to your heart's content in a hotel room, but you best not bring that filth into my bedroom," declared one of my wife's friends when I intentionally brought up the subject of shaker bars at our holiday party. Interestingly, she said this to no one in particular at maximum volume, avoiding the repentant gaze of her husband. From my vantage point, it looked like the mini-qiuiche he was swallowing suddenly turned to broken glass.
Do I bring my stripper-induced sensory overload into the bedroom? You bet I do! My wife and I have known one another since college, and over the years we have achieved the perfect blend of familiarity and mystery by sharing fantasies without breaking trust. Though she doesn't bring a director and makeup trailer to bed, I'm sure that some nights after a Mad Men episode I am her Jon HammSex is not only about love, but about play as well, and if she closes her eyes once in a while to pretend she is riding someone's see-saw, that's OK by me. understudy.
After years of monogamy and two kids, sexuality is not the stuff of romance novels. It's not that easy and never that clean. Some men fish off the company pier.

But not this dude. He just finds that jizzing in his pants at a strip joint is better than masturbation and/or just waiting till the damn business trip is over. Does anyone else out there care or are strip clubs too harmless to worry about in a relationship?

Related:

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Fox News Enjoys Your Big Butt

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Amazing Race Winner Stars In First Celebrity Webcam Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:44:00 GMT

Apologies to our gay readers, but despite what the above photo may lead you to believe, Amazing Race champion Eric Sanchez is involved in a purely naked, purely hetero webcam photo leak...

Sanchez, who partnered with Danielle Turner to take home the million-dollar prize in The Amazing Race: All Stars back in '07, was rumored to have performed a solo jerk for an unknown female lover, via webcam, for some time now. Over the past few days, photos have begun to emerge confirming this:

The subject is seen undressing, stepping to the side of the camera, and whacking it with his left hand, eventually landing a splooge in the righthand palm. These very, very NSFW porn pics are here.

We wouldn't even bother with this story if Sanchez hadn't shrugged it off in the first place, confirming that he is indeed its subject and almost bragging about how laid back he is. More power to him-- and more naked photos, please. The ladies of the internet firmly request it, good sir.

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Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Even Crazier Than We Thought

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:51:00 GMT

The sheriff's department in Chicago's Cook County is suing Cralgslist, claiming the site is the largest source of prostitution in the United States. Um, yeah? [SunTimes]

Dare we pick up Jonathan Littell's 1,000-page Nazi-centered novel "The Kindly Ones" which "manages to be a near-masterpiece of historical fiction and at the same time a bloated, overlong masturbatory fantasia of sex and violence?" We just might. [Yahoo!]

Even Facebook is Twittering now. Sort of. [InformationWeek]

Prosecutors have charged Chris Brown with beating his girlfriend, Rihanna. He could get almost five years in jail if convicted of the two felonies. [Defamer]

Apparently Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman couldn't even keep track of her children when she only had six, as evidenced by the audio of this October 9-1-1 call in which she can be heard screaming "Where's my son?" Sounds a lot like Angelina Jolie in Changeling, no? Except Angelina didn't say over and over again that she was going to kill herself. [Radar]

Related:

Crazy Baby Lady Gets Green Counter-Offer to Not Do Porn

Crazy Baby Lady to Become Crazy Sex Lady?

Crazy Baby Lady Is, In Fact, A Crazy Baby Lady

The Best Sex Toys For Your Weekend

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:16:00 GMT

Seeing as how your weekend is about to get very, very sexy (assuming you did Smiths Speed Dating or are having dinner with Judah Friedlander or have a significant other that knows romance always ends with great, sex-toy-involved sex), we present you with a few more sex toys for you to check out in time for tomorrow.

Yes, yes, we know we've done about 85 of these V-Day sex (toy) stories, but there can never be enough...

1) The Acuvibe, seen above.

Seen on Oprah Winfrey, the Acuvibe is a strong, user-friendly vibrator, perfect for women just starting to explore self-stimulation. Many women prefer the contoured shape of the Human Touch Acuvibe to the Magic Wand, but both vibrators are of equal quality.

Another website claims its webmaster(bator) was able to reach orgasm in under a minute using the old standby. Hey, you can get off while your fiancee is having a pee in the bathroom down the hall and he'll never know...

2) The Babeland Odyssey Tickler, a vibrator from Babeland, is for the couple that likes to joke around as much as fool around. Or, of course, you can have with it on your own time...

3) Big Daddy's Cock Ring. We laughed when we saw this advertised on Love Honey as being one of their most popular items, but the reviews are stellar, with the customers approaching euphoria or, um, orgasm in their recommendations.

Oh my god a cock ring that works !!!, 01 Dec 2008

Reviewer: Poseiden99, a Married Straight Male

Not being someone who would normally write a review but having used the other reviews to decide which cock ring to buy I thought I would add one to this fantastic cock ring.
I purchased this recently while shopping for a new toy for my wife, having tried a few cock rings that were all failures I was reluctant to waste money on a new one.
This cock ring is excellent and yes it really does work, yes it does make your erection stronger and harder, and yes it does make your cock more sensitive.

4) The Remote Butterfly. Despite somewhat disappointed reviews, this awesome vibrating panty is averaging four out of five stars. Perhaps it's easy to thrill customers who purchase a vibrating panty that can be operated via remote control-- something this ridiculous is bound to please whoever is nutty (or daring) enough to plunk down $100 on this toy...

Check it out at Babeland, where many of the above products are sold.

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Some of Our Lovers Could've Done Used the Love Trainer Device...

With Headlines Like These Who Needs Stories?

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:19:00 GMT

If it happened in a Kansas Walmart, you know it has to be good...

Man Arrested For Masturbating In Shawnee Walmart Toy Aisle

The complete story:

SHAWNEE, KAN. - A man was arrested Thursday night after witnesses said he masturbated in the toy aisles at a Shawnee Walmart.

Lt. Bill Hisle with Shawnee Police said employees saw the man in the store on W 65th Street and he was taken into custody.

Did we really even need to bother with those two wee sentences?

Wait! There's more!

Lawrence Man Arrested For Animal Cruelty, Sodomy

Find that story here.

[Fox4 via Plog]

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From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Oh Crap, We're Halfway Through National Masturbation Month and We Forgot to Masturbate

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While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Madonna Has Sex With Herself To Benefit Louis Vuitton

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Before you knock Madonna and call her irrelevant, you should know that she was the #1 live performer of 2008. (Of course, the Rolling Stones and the Grateful Dead were not on tour and Springsteen did a smaller tour this year. Oh, and the $200 tickets couldn't have hurt her numbers.)

So, not only are these entirely newsworthy-- and, hey, because her crotch is inarguably the focal point here, these photos qualify as "sex news," as well...

Via Jossip.

Related:

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Madonna's New Brazilian Boy is in Porn

Hey Vacuuming Madonna, We Don't Get This Video, But We Still Kind of Like It

Sloppy Seconds: "I Don't Need Your Sex, I'll Masturbate"

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It's the end of the year as we know it...

Self-proclaimed "sex kitten," singer ("Santa Baby"), actress and all-around cool chick, Eartha Kitt, is dead at 81. [AP]

Our old friend Scanner Sarah, now Salon Sarah (Hepola) explores the death of the celebrity scandal in 2008—a year chock full of, well, celebrity scandal. [Salon]

Jezebel rounds up their top eight Lezebels (girls who like girls who are liked by the ladies at Jezebel) of 2008. We have a hard time believing they couldn't have made it a top 10, though. Hello? Wanda Sykes? Maaaaybe Queen Latifah? [Jezebel]

Hollywood.com rounds up The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of 2008—mostly a bunch of people we've never heard of, or at least pretend not to know. [Hollywood.com]

The Village Voice rounds up the worst lyrics of 2008. While we're sort of partial to T-Pain's "I don't need your sex/I'll masturbate" from Therapy we have to agree with the choice of Nickelback's "You look so much cuter with something in your mouth" from the aptly titled Something in Your Mouth, and even Usher's "You order Chinese food right before you do me" from Trading Places. [Village Voice]

Stay tuned for Scanner's round ups when the year is actually over...

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: Even Sarah Palin's Breasts Want You to Vote for Barack Obama

Emily Farris — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Oh, those aren't Sarah Palin's breasts? Well, with all the nude pictures of the Republican veep nominee floating around the Interwebs, you could have fooled us.

Highs:

We learned to love Matt Damon. A little.

We helped spread some rumors about the Palin kids. And that was fun.

We did what we could to help the giant penis man.

We got super sappy over Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding video.

We just can't get enough Photoshopped pictures of Republicans.

We found the most ~~inappropriate~~ amazing slide ever.

We know what you're getting for Christmas.

We learned some new ways to talk about masturbation.

Lows:

Sam Ronson and Lindsay Lohan reminded us that yesterday was September 11. And then it got worse.

We learned the war on sex may last longer than the war in Iraq.

We were completely overwhelmed with nude pictures of Sarah Palin.

We saw our future flash before our eyes, and devised a plan to change it.

Minnie Driver still won't tell us who her baby daddy is. But we have some ideas on the subject.

We sold out on our local Fox station.

[Image]

The Top 10 Songs About Masturbation

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:25:00 GMT

The Frisky has had a post up for a few days on the Nine Sexiest Songs About Masturbation. Ever since we came across it, we've been wondering how definitive it really is.

Meanwhile, we've come up with our own list...

10. The Vapors - Turning Japanese. The Vapors have milked this one for years-- both for their only chart hit and to keep the amusing rumor going, but this may not be about masturbation after all. Wikipedia says it's actually a love song and that the masturbation thing came after interview requests started coming in. (Hint: "Turning Japanese" allegedly refers to a guy squinting hard when he jerks off.)

9. Britney Spears - The Touch of My Hand. She didn't write it, so we can't hate her for it. “Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand... I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way.”

8. Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself. How we missed this over the million times we've heard it, we're not sure. (Maybe it's because we're usually having sex when it's on?) “When there’s no-one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself.”

7. Ween - Mister Richard Smoker. We were also thinking "Picture of Lily" (the Who) and some other ones for this slot (yeah, Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" would work, but may be a bit too creepy): "Mister Richard Smoker/you're a chicken choker/tonight you're gonna let it all hang out/pantyhose and aqua net"

6. Tori Amos - Icicle. We never thought men could masturbate to Tori Amos, but there's something really hot about hearing her sing “And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs.”

5. Chuck Berry - My Ding A Ling. Won't you play with it?

4. Elvis Costello - Pump It Up. Double meanings are great because they enable songs to bypass stuff censors who miss the joke. Case in point: this 1978 single, which is ostensibly about turning up the volume. Yeah, on your own getting off! "Pump it up when you don't really need it/Pump it up until you can feel it/Down in the pleasure center/hell bent or heaven-sent..."

3. Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun. Gordon Gano stained his sheets, which is so much less of an uncomfortable image than it has any right to be.

3. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself. Duh: "I don’t want anybody else/And when I think about you I touch myself."

2. Prince - Darling Nikki. We'll let The Frisky intro this one, since they did such a nice job:

This song and it’s racy lyrics is what prompted Tipper Gore to form the Parents Music Resource Center, which eventually led to the use of “Parental Advisory” stickers and imprints on album covers. The song was also dubbed ‘pornographic’ and ‘satanic’. Awesome! “I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess u could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine/She said how’d you like to waste some time/And I could not resist when I saw little Nikki grind.”

1. Cyndi Lauper - She Bop. What, you didn't know what a "she bop" is? From the "Self Service" sign in the video to lines like:

I see them every night in tight blue jeans -
In the pages of a blue boy magazine
Hey I've been thinking of a new sensation
I'm picking up - good vibration -
Oop - she bop

Do I wanna go out with a lion's roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop - or I'll go blind
Oop - she bop - she bop...

Via The Frisky. Thanks, Wendy!

Happy Endings: Not Just For Men Anymore

Ina Maier — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:50:00 GMT

Stop the presses! The word on the street (thanks to TangoMag.com) is that women may actually enjoy and (gasp!) pay for the occasional orgasm. TangoMag writer Melissa Lafsky takes it upon herself to explore the so-called myth of the female Happy Ending...

And what does she discover? Well, the big news is that there's a regular plethora of places ready to serve and service these sexually liberated and yet un-fufilled ladies. But first, she gets into the awkward nuances of how, exactly, a woman requests a happy ending. With men, you see, it's a little, well, obvious. But with a woman, no matter how much she moans and groans and wiggles her way around that massage table, the actual invitation to full on clitoral contact remains ambiguous. Since, according to Lafsky (and we can't help but agree), "the idea of point blank asking a hot masseur to “finish me off” sounds about as appealing as a full-body exfoliation with Brillo pads," the key is clear but subtle communication. Lafsky quotes Amy, a 32-year-old model/actress who has had happy ending massages in two different states: "Initially [the masseur] kept it very clean, but I was really turned on, and I let him know it by moaning and saying how good it felt. He started slowly touching my thigh, then going higher, and it turned into a game of how far each of us would take it. One thing led to another and he ended up finishing me off, which was great."

But what about if the idea of digital stimulation from the random and greased up hands of a Miami-based masseuse isn't exactly your idea of dessert? Lafsky recommends the Russian Baths on 10th Street. Apparently their "masseuses" are so good that they don't even have to touch you down there.

“At first you’re on your stomach, so they’re just massaging your back,” said Trish, a 29-year-old marketing manager who frequents the Baths. “Then they turn you over, and [my masseur] started massaging my breasts. My nipples got erect, so that must have sent him a signal. He started rubbing me on the pressure points around my hips. I was wearing bikini bottoms, and he never actually touched my clitoris or vagina; it was just all around the area. I did [have an orgasm]; afterwards, people kept stopping me on the street to say, ‘Oh my God, you’re glowing.’”

Whew...we'll we'd keep going but we're feeling a little hot and bothered. Read the rest, including how to get an invite to a threesome by a pony-tailed swedish massager at TangoMag.com.

Related:

We're Off to Get Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Scanner Highs and Lows: We Got Finger Banged at Summer Camp

Masturbation: "It's totally safe unless you're inserting food objects into yourself."

Christians Having Better Sex Than You

Ayveq the Masturbating Walrus is Dead at 14

Emily Farris — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:27:00 GMT

Ayveq — a 2,700-pound walrus who was by far the New York Aquarium's most popular attraction for his public masturbation — is dead at fourteen, most likely from a "massive" bacterial infection. This was an untimely death for the walrus, who had entertained visitors to the aquarium (and himself) since his arrival from Alaska in 1994.

“We are all still in shock about it,” Aquarium Director Jon Forrest Dohlin told The Brooklyn Paper. “He was an absolute delight. He had a magnetism and a charm that was totally his own. He loved people and he knew how to work a crowd and entertain guests — and himself. He did have a raffish charm, no doubt about it.”

And as The Intelligencer points out, The Brooklyn Paper's Gersh Kuntzman (who is never afraid to go there and still owes us a freelance check!) was the only publication to give Ayveq credit where credit is due:

"Ayveq loved the attention and, if for some reason, visitors failed to notice him, he would flip his flippers at the glass to attract attention, 'look them straight in the eye and give them a great big walrus grin.'" [WNBC]

"Aquarium staff held a subdued service yesterday to remember the charismatic creature who loved to whistle and give them whiskery kisses." [NYDN]

"Ayveq, the walrus whose bizarre, though oddly compelling, masturbation rituals made him an international sensation at the New York Aquarium, has died. He was 14. Though well-liked long before he discovered the habit that would make him a star, Ayveq’s frequent public self-gratification made him the Coney Island institution’s singular attraction." [Brooklyn Paper]

Ayveq, whose name translates to "walrus" in Siberian Yupik, leaves behind a partner, Kulusiq, a son, Akituusaq, and probably lots of walrus cum in the tank.

[The Brooklyn Paper: Death of a Legend]

[Video via 12th St David's flickr]

"How Do I Make Myself Squirt?"

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:22:00 GMT

Hey, ladies. Ever wanted to squirt like the porn stars? We can't say that's at the top of our priority list (we still need to learn to play that guitar that's been sitting in our room for nearly two years now), but it's nice to know there are tutorials out there, right?

Babeland has a seven-step program that promises to earn you the nickname Old Faithful in no time.

And it looks like we're already ahead of the game. We just did step one.

Preparatory Workout: Kegels Toned PC (pubococcygeus) muscles play a major role in female ejaculation. These figure 8 shaped muscles create the “false pelvis” running from the base of the spine (coccyx) to the pelvic girdle (pubis) and are instrumental in starting and stopping the flow of urine. Considering that female ejaculate comes from the urethra, it makes perfect sense that frequently exercised PC muscles will come in handy during the moment of truth. If you’ve never exercised your PC muscles, please peruse our tutorial to learn just how simple it is.

Step One: Empty your bladder. One of the biggest hurdles to overcome is the sensation that you have to pee. This is definitely one of the great signifiers that you are going to ejaculate; but when your mind has your body convinced that you will pee, one will oft seize up. An empty bladder will ease these worries, as it takes quite a bit of time for the bladder to replenish its stock of urine.

If anyone decides to try this at home, do let us know how it works out for you.

[Babeland's Blog: April Showers Bring May Flowers: Part II]

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:21:00 GMT

A former college professor forwarded this article from 2003 on to us this week with the subject line, "Ignore at your own risk!!!! For God's sake!!!" And yes, in case you were wondering, we did go to a liberal arts school in New York. Anyway, we thought it was worth sharing since we missed it the first time around (did you?) and this is information that could save lives.

Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest.

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men's cancer risk.

Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits.

They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Find the rest of the story at BBC News.

[Image via, NSFW]

Michael Ian Black Recounts His Own Wet Hot American Summer

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:36:00 GMT

Swear to God, we were just watching ex-State, ex-Stella comedian Michael Ian Black on the CW's mildly underrated Reaper -- and now, here he is on the Interweb, desperately trying to get some validation from a girl he fingerbanged at summer camp. And her name is... Emily???

Dear Emily,

Oh my God! I just realized that when I said I "f-ed you" in my last letter, that easily could be read as "fucked you." God forbid your husband or lover (lesbian?) should read that! If that person IS reading THIS letter, I did NOT fuck your wife/lover. I just fingered her. I was just trying to be discreet about referencing it, which is why I used the initial "f" for "fingering." Total brain fart!

Wow, who knew Cracked.com did something other than listacles!

(Not the) Video of the Day: Air Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 15:44:00 GMT

These kids today.

We old folks used to call it "masturbation," or worse, "yanking the chain." (Sorry for making you cringe there, little ones.) But grandpa has never heard of this newfangled fad of yours called "Air Sex."

Can you explain it to grandpa? Perhaps in one of those fancy YouTube videos we can never seem to follow?

Can I Have A Window Seat In The Non-Masturbating Section?

Katie Halper — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 20:45:00 GMT

A 21-year old woman is suing American Airlines for failing to protect her from involuntarily and unknowingly joining the mile high club. Apparently as the woman slept during her flight from LA to Dallas, she got more than just beauty sleep. 20 minutes before the flight landed, the woman woke up to discover that a man had moved into the seat next to her, was looking at her, and masturbating. The woman responded by turning towards the window and nervously running her fingers through her hair when, in a There's Something About Mary moment (no, not the franks and beans one), she realized she had “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” -- and it wasn't an anti-frizz hair product. The woman then cried and unsuccessfully attempted to get the attention of the flight attendants. According to the law suit, "a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair." This sounds traumatic, and nobody wants to blame the victim. But it seems like the American Airlines flight attendants acted appropriately-- once the plane landed, they notified the airport police and the man was arrested. And anyone who has ever needed an extra blanket knows how hard it is to get the attention of a flight attendant. But we also know the old adage, "if at first you don't succeed in getting the attention of a flight attendant to report being masturbated on, dust yourself off and try again, even if that means getting out of your seat while the fastened seat belt sign is on."

Who Knew That Guy Masturbating in His Car Would Be Immortalized in Song

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 20:42:00 GMT

Ever read a Craigslist personal you think would make a great ballad or summer jam? Yeah, neither have we. But apparently, we're not thinking creatively enough.

May we introduce you to Songs in the Key of Craigslist. Music videos inspired by Craigslist personal ads. This one is dedicated to a special someone who was caught choaking the chicken in his car. Mr. Hands might even walk away from this whole ordeal with a date. Guess it's better to go into a relationship knowing your guy likes to beat it in the car rather than having to find out a week before the wedding. (via YesButNoButYes)

Caught on Tape: Cats Masturbating

Emily Farris — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 19:58:00 GMT

via videosift.com

Speaking of animal sex, we came across this video of a masturbating cat today, and to learn more about this strange phenomenon (we've only had female cats), we Googled "cats masturbating." What we found were more videos of cats masturbating.

Best or Worst Ad of the Week?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 13:55:00 GMT

Sorry for the screenshot... it's really not the same as just a jpeg of the pic, minus that wonderful, boner-in-cheek headline.

Cryoss International, a sperm bank in downtown Manhattan (perfect for the closeted lawyer at your firm who never gets to use that sperm anyway), has an interesting homepage, linked via the same obnoxious Craig's List ad we've captured above.

We love how the page is vulgar and crass, visually, but whips out the ol' legalese in the text, as if nothing is happening and a man is not looking down his boxers with an exaggerated gesture of measuring his manhood.

Here's one from the golden age of advertising if the above image doesn't get you smirking:

Caption This: Antique Anti-Masturbation Device

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 20:21:00 GMT

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's an antique ~~torture~~ anti-masturbation device. And it's for sale on eBay.

[via BoingBoing]

Today in Pointed Leads: Spiteful Men and their Camera Phones

Emily Farris — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:09:00 GMT

From the Courier Mail: "A SPITEFUL man used a mobile phone to film himself having sex with his girlfriend before emailing the images to acquaintances after an acrimonious break-up."

He probably wasn't spiteful while he was taking the video. He was probably saving it for masturbation material. Then he and his girlfriend broke up and he sent the video to some friends. Now he's on probation.

[Courier Mail: Phone 'porno' nets probation]

[Image of Sony Ericsson camera phone on a tripod via ministryoftech.com]

Soccer Pro in Most Boring Sextape Scandal Ever?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 13:01:00 GMT

Here at Scanner, we spend every single moment of every single day praying for another sextape scandal. But we will be goddamned if we can get worked up in the slightest bit over the situation that Argentinian soccer pro Ever Banega's found himself in.

In the clip, which carries the title "Banega, grande desde siempre" or "Banega, always big", the player can be seen chatting over his computer with someone for several minutes before committing a sexual act.

We've watched the thing (click through to have a look yourself), and we are here to tell you: boring, boring, boring. If you like cock, well, there's like 6 seconds of boner. And the rest of the six minute clip is... well, if you ever got hot from the end of an episode of Doogie Howser, where Doogie was typing in his diary, boy are you in luck.

Banega just started playing for Spanish team Valencia under a five-and-a-half year, 18 million Euro contract, so it'd be a real shame to let such an underwhelming bit of smut put his livelihood in jeopardy. Today's Scanner Lesson: if you're gonna get caught with a sextape, for crying out loud, make sure someone else is in the tape with you.

Click through to subject yourself to its unparalleled boringness!

Exactly 36 Hours Until the Global-O

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 18:08:00 GMT

In exactly 36 (a few) hours (have we told you yet never to trust our math?), at 1:08 a.m. EST (or a few minutes before, depending on how long it takes you to make the magic happen), drop everything, including your pants, and give yourself an orgasm. Or find someone or something to give you an one. It's the Global Orgasm.

Forget the fact that you'll probably be at home for the holidays, in your old room, where you first awkwardly fumbled with yourself, and try to think about the fact that it's for "peace, gender and social justice, and global warming" (because "the planet needs a rest from all our other desires").

But before you begin, an important message from the event sponsors:

"Overpopulation (6.8 billion people and counting) is a major cause of 'peak everything' so please don't make more babies in the Global-O."

[globalorgasm.org]

(Thanks, Allison!)