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PapSmeared: Nothing Brings Family Together Like a 'Maxim' Party

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 15:33:00 GMT

Maxim's Ten Sexiest Women of 2009

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 13 May 2009 20:01:00 GMT

It's that time of the year again, apparently: publicists have bribed, starlets have stripped, dudes have drooled, and Maxim men have spoken: the 100 sexiest women of the year, as voted by guys who equate skankiness with sex appeal, are here for your leering amusement...

10. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Just a few weeks ago, it seems, men were dissing The Ghost Whisperer for her "cellulite thighs." Ah, but how quickly does Photoshop make one forget...

9. Jordana Brewster. She was in the recent Fast & Furious blockbuster sensation. Yep... moving on...

8. Rihanna. Here's a woman we go back and forth on all the time. While she's arguably very sexy at time, we were in a Best Buy recently and caught a live DVD of hers on one of the monitors. Besides Britney Spears, we've never seen a pop star perform so lifelessly and in fitting tribute to how awful her manufactured music is. She could've at least pretended those songs would stand the tests of time...

7. Adriana Lima. The writers don't help their cause by calling Lima hotter than Gisele Bundchen, her Brazillian/Victoria's Secret counterpart. Lima is one hot mama, but you'd have to be crazy to think anyone can compete with Gisele, arguably the last of the supermodels.

6. Eliza Dushku. We predicted, what with the relatively inexplicable press she gets from these men's magazines, Dushku would've topped this year's charts. Guess Dollhouse is going to get canceled after all...

5. Mila Kunis. Here's one we can get behind-- not in that way, sicko. When Kunis stepped away from the shadows of That 70's Show, she was reborn as full-blown, modern-day sex bomb with more than half-a-brain. Thank God, because her sex appeal as the dumpy dippy hippie chick on That Show was a bit overrated...

4. Malin Akerman. Another wise choice, although we much prefered the Watchmen star with the Uma Thurman-in-Pulp Fiction dark 'do.

3. Bar Rafaeli. Without question, Leonardo DiCaprio's paramour (seen at the top of this post) is the breakout modeling sensation of 2009. In just the last five months, she's graced the cover of The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar, created one fake "cheating" scandal, and landed in the top 3 of Maxim's countdown, all without a single mainstream media interview or mention in an SNL skit. However, we're predicting she's a token choice, to be replaced next year by the next manufactured sensation.

2. Megan Fox. You knew last year's #1 would be this year's #2-- that's just the way it goes... they wouldn't sell any magazines if it was the same old used-up 18-year-old every time, right? (Kidding.) Obviously, the polls closed prior to yesterday's announcement that Fox has officially called herself "bi-sexual," as that might have skewed the vote from that, uh, demographic.

1. Olivia Wilde. "The pulse-quickening internist played by Olivia Wilde on House, M.D. is named Thirteen (which we presume is out of 10) and has a terminal illness that causes her to dabble in drugs and casual sex." Maxim then tries to make a case that "ah, we see her first!" by citing a series of walk-on roles in shows like The O.C. They should have used her real name to excite themselves over instead: "Olivia Jane Cockburn." By the way, believe it or not, but Wilde is only 25 years old-- doesn't she look much more mature, in a good way, of course?

Related:

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Miss Rhode Island Jumps Into Nude Photo Scandal, As Third Prejean Pic Surfaces

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Right-wingers have been crying foul on this Carrie Prejean hate-wave happening all across the 'net. They say, "It's unfair to attack Carrie just because she disagrees with you." Who's attacking her? These were photos she shot for her modeling career and so should have no problem with their being leaked. And if she didn't lie to the pageant people, she shouldn't have to worry about losing her crown over them, right?

Now, they're trying a different tactic: "Wait a minute-- there's a double standard here. Miss Rhode Island has also posed partially-nude-- why don't liberals care about them?"

As always with this ridiculous scandal, Miss Rhode Island's photos are only mildly NSFW...

Miss Rhode Island 2009, by the way, is one Alysha Castonguay, a Maxim magazine star for one month in 2008. We're betting good money that you haven't heard about Castonguay during this brouhaha because she may have actually read her contract with the Miss USA folks and warned them she'd recently posed for the magazine... or some other similar scenario. Prejean's real problems only began, you'll recall, when he told her superiors that a) the photos were basically child porn, which it now seems they weren't and b) there should only be one of them out there. As you can see below, that's not true either:

(And by the way, we're getting real sick of The Dirty for dragging this near-non-story out for so long. If all these photos are virtually identical, it's a huge dramatic letdown when they appear after such epic waits. Pic #4 better be a real naked shot and it better come out sometime before the year 2047.)

As for Miss Rhode Island, it turns out she was a New England Patriots cheerleader for two seasons, which included a stint as the cover girl for the team's swimsuit calendar, and the Maxim shoot was actually in conjunction with two of her teammates:

As always, click each photo for a new window and enlarge from there.

Related:

Second Carrie Prejean Topless Photo Released... Will This Nightmare Ever End?

Miss California's Dad: "All Men With Moustaches Are Gay"

While You Were Sleeping: Nudist Hotel

Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Who Is Vanity Fair's Most Beautiful Woman in the World?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:54:00 GMT

People Magazine has The Sexiest Man Alive. Maxim has its Sexiest Woman of the Year. Vanity Fair, desperate to singlehandedly save Conde Nast, has just announced the winner of its Most Beautiful Woman in the World poll. Of course, the press release makes no mention of a followup contest involving men, since that wouldn't sell at the newsstand.

First of all, is their #1 choice the right one or was ~~Kate Beckinsale~~ ~~Kate Winslet~~ ~~Scanners Emily/Colleen~~ unfairly snubbed?

7. Queen Rania of Jordan. Are we crazy or is the only media outlet in the world that even mentions her starts with a "V" and ends with an "anity Fair?" They must be bestfriendsforver with the Queen, because Graydon Carter's staff mentions her every chance they get.

6. Bar Rafaeli. This girl's agent is seriously working overtime-- he got her a date and (probably) a fake relationship with Leonardo DiCaprio, the cover of Sports Illustrated, and onto this list without anyone even knowing who she is. That's not to say we dislike her-- seriously, we're impressed with her sudden success.

5. Jennifer Connelly. Jennifer Connelly is too skinny to be as beautiful as she was even five years ago. End of story.

4. Penelope Cruz. While our comments above could hold weight here, we decided not to diss Penelope after all. She is thin, yes, but she's not hideous for it-- and she couldn't be more beautiful the way she is now.

3. Scarlett Johansson. Arguably the most desirable woman in the world, Scarlett Johansson has seemed a bit less appealing lately. That has nothing to do with our getting used to her beauty and everything to do with her vicinity to Ryan Reynolds

2. Giselle Bundchen. She was our pick for #1, if only because she's on the cover of Vanity Fair this month. Apparently, that wasn't enough to put her over the top... meaning there's a surprise winner...

1. Angelina Jolie. Agree or disagree?

Via Vanity Fair.

Who Would You Rather: Brad Pitt vs. Every Other Man in the World?

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Trend Alert: Women Leaving Men For Other Women

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Makes it Work

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:14:00 GMT

Last week, while we were taking the dog out for a poo, a man standing in the driveway of the apartment building next door said "Can I have your number?" There was no "Hi, my name is...." There wasn't even a "Hi." We wondered in what world he thinks he can approach women like that and actually get the response he wants. Instead of giving him that speech, we just said "no," gave him a disgusted look and gushed over our poopy puppy. Apparently we weren't the only ones wondering what these men are thinking. As the ladies at Jezebel asked, after a New York Times article on talking to boys about sex, how do you keep boys from becoming [::sigh::] "that creepy guy on Nerve?" [Jezebel]

Speaking of dog poo, we're glad we don't have a microphone held up to our dog's ass every time we take him out. Poor Sasha Obama. [Twitpic]

We could listen to Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen and that guy from the BBC read from Harlequin romance novels all day. Especially when Rogen still has a few extra pounds on him. [Videogum]

What can the Kansas City Police Department do to cut costs during these hard economic times? How, how about just eliminating benefits for same-sex couples? That's cool with everybody, right? [Plog]

Jennifer Love Hewitt did what any respectable starlet should do after a break-up: she got half-naked for Maxim. [People]

A fleet (a battalion?) of dolphins has joined the anti-pirate crusade. [DailyIntel]

At long last: Crazy Baby Lady Nadya Suleman has all fourteen of her children at home. [Us]

While You Were Sleeping: More Grey's Anatomy Turmoil

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge had her home broken into by two very bizarre young citizens. In surveillance footage, they can be seen wandering aimlessly from room to room... and back again... and again... without doing much of anything, let alone steal anything or set fire to the place.

Arrested Development: the Movie was finally greenlit, thanks to lazy-assed Michael Cera coming aboard.

This oh-so-adorable young lady was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend's nutsack. Prior to this incident, they had broken up "approximately 20 times," yet she seemed rather surprised to find that the dude had another ladyfriend over for the night.

We were all excited to hear Andy Richter would be rejoining Conan on TV, but it turns out he's just going to be the announcer. Guess Conan's enjoying his solo career.

Can a resident of the UK explain to us why so many Brits use "miles an hour" in their speech? Does it have something to do with the universal use of nautical miles? (Oh, and check out the video we just linked to. The 71-year-old dude quoted in it is our new personal hero.)

The Beatles recorded a version of "Revolution" that was only recently discovered and you really must hear it.

Is McDreamy really leaving the hospital on Grey's Anatomy?

And Maxim men of the world, rejoice: Megan Fox is single again. But before you get any ideas... guess which first name she has tattooed near her crotch? She wouldn't even have to deal with that pesky removal process if she just returned our calls...

Megan Fox Is So Hot Right Now, GQ Can Just Recycle Her Photos

Sloppy Seconds: Nine-Year-Old Girl Marries in Texas

Don't Miss the Awesomeness on Late Night's Goodbye Week

Obama Speechwriter and His Maxim Girl Steam Up the White House

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 16:32:00 GMT

Sorry, ladies (including Scanner Emily), your #2 Hottie in the White House, Jon Favreau, has taken himself a ladyfriend.

It turns out that Obama's head speechwriter, a dude of only 27 years, is going to give us something to gossip about for the next four years: he's dating Maxim babe Ali Campoverdi.

According to Gawker, Campoverdi is an assistant to one of the deputy chiefs of staff, so it's not like Favreau's preying on the help or sexually harassing his own staff or something. No, this is pure White House sex of the kind a Presidential administration has always longed for-- no interns, cheaters, or coke-fueled swimming pool orgy marathons.

Not yet.

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Who Would You Rather: Jon Favreau vs. Jon Favreau?

Amber Heard Finally Nails Her Breakthrough With This Sex Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:06:00 GMT

Maxim cover sensation Amber Heard, who played Seth Rogen's girlfriend in Pineapple Express, is using a raunchy series of graphic nude scenes in the upcoming movie The Informers to break through to the A List...

The Informers, which Bret Easton Ellis and Nicholas Jarecki adapted from Ellis' book of linked short stories, is described on its Wikipedia page as "a chilling, fascinating, and outrageous descent into the abyss beneath L.A.'s gorgeous surfaces." Whatever the hell that means. No one on the internet cares about the film anyway.

They only want to see the sex and boobs, which we are happy to provide, with a caveat: the scenes are completely uncensored, yet they are not available anywhere without some distractions or alterations to the footage. You'll see what we mean:

1) This is a compilation of all her nude shots from the trailer, albeit with an annoying voice over commentary on the film. Mute your computer and enjoy:

Amber Heard Topless Scenes in "The Informers"

2) Here's the Red Band trailer, infinitely more watchable:

The Informers Unrated Trailer

By the way, before you get all excited to see the movie itself, check out its reviews, which include some of the most brutal pieces of writing we've ever seen from film critics.

We Nominate... Marisa Tomei For Best Supporting Nipple Rings

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Carmen Electra's Latest Playboy Shoot Explains Why The Magazine Is Failing

Juggs "Tops" List of Indestructable Magazines

Colleen Kane — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 18:23:00 GMT

At the end of a year when magazines folded left and right, Jossip named five indestructable titles, and five more flies you can expect to drop in the next year.

Proving once again the continuing popularity of boobs, particularly the large sort, Jossip does not expect Juggs to fold in 2009.

Their other die hard titles included fogie favorite Parade, Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine, Cigar Aficionado, and Details. Read why here.

On the doomed list: Maxim (following the falls of its laddy bretheren FHM and Stuff), City (what's City anyway?), The Advocate (basically useless in the Internet age), Glamour (or any other in the glutted field of lady magazines) Life & Style (or any in the glutted field of celerity gossip rags).

Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

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Image: Wonderclub.com

While You Were Sleeping: Winona Ryder OD'd

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 15:27:00 GMT

Scarlett Johansson doesn't mind that "I Kissed A Girl" is a bland Jill Sobule ripoff. Hell, she's flattered to be the inspiration for the song.

Joe Biden's son Beau is on his way to Iraq... and possibly the Senate in 2010.

Twilight is getting some disappointing reviews ahead of its Friday release.

The funny, lively banter -- the way in which Edward and Bella teased and toyed with one another about their respective immortality and humanity -- is pretty much completely gone, and all that's left is a slog of adolescent angst." [AP via EW]

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green are planning a low-key wedding, probably for fear that Maxim readers don't find out where it is and try to sabotage it.

A guy who wrote two Marx Brothers movies and parts of The Wizard of Oz has died.

And the world's dumbest rapper has received 20 years in prison after bragging about a shooting in his own rap song.

Winona Ryder took too many Xanax to combat her fear of flying and ended up in the hospital. Rumor has it she repeatedly collapsed in first class before the plane landed...

Top 10 Bond Girls Of All-Time

And Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Is...

Sloppy Seconds: Prostitution Is Now Rape in the U.K.?

The 50 Sexiest Movies of All-Time: 30-21

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

The Top 5 Hottest Female Politicians

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 20:06:00 GMT

Ever see those obnoxious ads in your Gmail for inside info about Bill Clinton and the above woman?

Maxim just released its list of the Top 10 Hottest (Female) Politicians, which is missing a few that we thought of off the top of our heads...

5. Kirsten Gillibrand, Congresswoman From New York State

4. Cristina Ferndez de Kirchner, President of Argentina (All right, yes, we only included her because of this picture...)

3. Yulia Tymoshenko, Prime Minister of Ukraine

2. Freya van den Bossche, former Deputy Prime Minister of Belgium

1. Belinda Stronach, Member of Canada's Parliament

Here's Maxim's list, which admittedly has a few ladies we wish we could use... for our purposes here, that is...

Related:

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Women Get Away With Affairs Because of Their Expert Lying, Says Woman Who Got Away With An Affair With Future British Prime Minister

While You Were Sleeping: Olympic Mania

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:12:00 GMT

The 1982 and 1986 gubernatorial elections in California do not bode well for Obama's candidacy in 2008-- in a roundabout but interesting way. (As you may have heard, the troubled campaign picked Senate lion Joe Biden to do its Vice Presidential politicking.)

Interestingly, half of this country's conservatives think houses of worship should leave politics alone, up 20% from just a few years ago.

Two scary car crashes this weekend involving celebrities: David and Victoria Beckham as well as four members of Helena Bonham Carter's family...

[Bonham Carter's] cousin Fiona Bonham Carter, 51, escaped with a broken shoulder. But Fiona's son Marcus Egerton-Warburton, 14, her mother Brenda, 74, and stepfather Francis Kirkwood, 75, all died. Fiona's sister-in-law Kay Boardman, 54, also perished in the crash...
[David Beckham was] on the way to Nice airport to catch his plane to China, the pair was involved in a horrific crash, which left their black BMW with a smashed windscreen and extensive damage along the passenger side. David Beckham reportedly smashed the car laterally into a wall - leaving his wife severely shaken.

Beckham was photographed embracing a tearful Victoria in the car and comforting her, before he raced to the departure lounge with her father Tony Adams. Beckham was forced to run to catch his flight, leaving his distraught partner with the wrecked car. [via Starpulse]

A man was arrested for crashing the Olympics while wearing a tutu and women's underwear.

The New York Press on gymnasts who didn't make the cut at the Olympic trials: "Instead of going on to win medals, they have to dress up likes fantasy sailors and do a strip tease to earn a few bucks." See what the writer is talking about here.

This woman points out what we've noticed for a long time: female volleyball players play in sexy outfits, but dudes don't have to wear Speedos. Why is that?

We still don't know who Maxim's #1 girl Marisa Miller is, but Victoria's Secret certainly does...

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Which Pop Star Might Play The Lead In The Next Tarantino Film?

Morgan Freeman Seriously Injured In Major Car Accident

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

Marisa Miller is Sports Illustrated's 2008 Swimsuit Issue Cover Model

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

The Top 10 Found Porn Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:08:00 GMT

We wish we could collect all 30 of the most memorable "Found Porn" photos from Maxim's monthly feature, as compiled by Banned in Hollywood. For now, you'll have to check out these sfw (if you or your boss consider the above photo is NSFW, then don't click through)...

Sloppy Seconds: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Not Sure What A Vibrator Is For

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 21:09:00 GMT

Holy shit, maybe cheaper is better: PBR is now the #1 (American owned) beer.

Maybe Maxim isn't so evil after all: They named Sarah Jessica Parker their "Unexpected Crush." Which is still kind of an insult, if you think about it.

Speaking of SJP, the Washingtonienne prostitute/underpaid Congressional staffer is about to have her own HBO "comedy" series, produced by the star of "Sex and the City." Please, enough with these cable hooker shows-- there have got to be some decent ideas out there somewhere.

Cover your ears, Britney Spears has been spotted in the vicinity of a recording studio.

Katherine Heigel isn't leaving Grey's Anatomy after all. Good, because that whole "brain tumor" thing they were going to use to kill off her character is so soap-y, and Grey's isn't a soap opera... is it?

Google's earnings this quarter were disappointing. Let us be the first to say, this is the beginning of the... naw, their world takeover rolls on, momentarily impeded.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck has never used a vibrator. Either her husband has the world's best dick or this story goes a long way toward explaining why she's such an uptight pain in the ass.

Do you all Project Runway? We couldn't imagine anything less appealing than a show where whiny fashionistas assemble magically hideous clothing, but apparently this Tim Gunn dude is hilarious.

Sloppy Seconds: A Whole-lotta Girl on Girl Competition

Emily Farris — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 21:47:00 GMT

Poland is flying the rainbow flag. And not just literally. [Queerty]

Jessica Simpson is a little bit country and a little bit blonde bimbo. [Us]

Art or child pornography? An photographer's exhibit depicting nude teenage boys and girls. [Scopical]

Somebody get Ed McMahon a Publisher's Clearinghouse check, STAT! His house might be foreclosed on. [Us]

FHM's Top 100 Sexiest Women in the World vs. Maxim's Top 100 Sexiest Women in the World. [Orlando Sentinel]

Also, the Real Housewives of New York vs. The Real Housewives of Orange County. [People]

Another Woman We've Never Heard of Is Maxim's Hottest Woman in The World

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 15:53:00 GMT

A few weeks back, Scanner Brian was perplexed by the fact that FHM had named a woman we'd never heard of as its sexiest woman in the world. This month, Maxim pulls the same trick (even though we have heard of her, but only from one of our own).

And the winner is...

Marisa Miller.

Should we know who she is? Probably. Do we? Only because of Scanner Bryan. Is she the hottest woman in the world? She's definitely hot, but enh.

Scanner Bryan, you're welcome to disagree. So are the folks at Maxim who say she "embodies the official return of the all-American supermodel... Not since Cindy Crawford ruled the catwalk has a pinup born and bred on U.S. soil so thoroughly captured the imagination of the American male."

Also on the list: Scarlett Johansson (No. 2), Jessica Biel (No. 3). And in the top 10: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elisha Cuthbert, Eva Mendes, Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan (who topped last year's list) and Ashley Tisdale.

How much do you think these women's publicists pay to get them on the list?

No, you know what? Fuck this list. We're taking nominations for Scanner's Hottest Women in the World in the comments section.

[People: Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel Make Maxim's Hot List]

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:28:00 GMT

And you thought dry humping Jennifer Garner at the Oscars was the craziest thing Gary Busey's ever done?

Check out this interview with Busey from a recent issue of Maxim, which pokes lots of fun at the weirdo actor's drug history, including the time he did coke off his dog's ass. This Sloppy Seconds gonna write itself, wethinks.

Jay and Beyonce got married on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Are they even an item? No one knows for sure. We gotta say, more power to the both of them for not letting the slimeballs at Us Weekly get anything out of this.

Freakiest story of the day: "A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound." (MSNBC)

Would someone please confirm that Tom Waits is, in fact, going on tour this summer? This iVoice Chat with a very drunk "Tom Waits," while hilarious, doesn't actually come from reputable sources.

It's official: Mexico has re-conquered the Southwest US. Maybe they'll burn down the Absolut distribution center on their march North, just for this insultingly stupid ad.

And an incestuous relationship between a father and daughter in Australia has produced, gag, a child. (Isn't Mom a little worried that her convicted armed-robber lover/father is perhaps already after the nine-month-old for his next conquest?) Normally, we'd make a joke about this being a great reality show for E!'s midseason replacement lineup, but we don't want to give them any ideas.

Dad/Husband: "Of course I knew it was illegal but, you know, so what."

Mrs. Deaves said the physical relationship with her father was like "a sexual relationship with any other man". For Mr. Deaves the sexual relationship was "absolutely fantastic".

There are so many things we could say here, but instead: JTUASIMM, which means "just threw up a SHITLOAD in my mouth."

Via News.au.com.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Sarah Jessica Parker the Unsexiest Woman In Hollywood?

Emily Farris — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:17:00 GMT

Drew Lachey, little brother of Jessica Simpson's ex-husband Nick, did not have an affair with his Dancing With the Stars partner Cheryl Burke. You hear? OK. He just wanted to clear that up. You got it? No affair. None.

We're a little confused by this story, but if it's true, the economy must be in worse shape than we thought. A woman in Arizona apparently arranged a friendly barter with a pal: oral sex for gas. Then something went terribly awry and she stabbed him. With scissors. In the face.

Apparently Hillary Clinton was in The White House while Bill was sticking Cuban cigars in Monica Lewinsky's vajayjay. But to be fair, it's a big, big house. And why are we still talking about this?

If only they had YouTube when we were in high school, we'd be as famous as the kid who edited together safe-for-work scenes from a 1980's porn film for a school project. Of course, we would have had to be that clever in high school. And also been a little better on the A-B roller.

Back in October, Maxim voted "Sex and the City" star Sarah Jessica Parker the unsexiest woman in Hollywood. And now she's speaking out. And she's pissed. And we're confused. There are so many, many, many women who are far less sexy than SJP. Just who did she beat out? C'mon Maxim! We wish we could say we expected better of you. Sigh.

Image via images.askmen.com

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 14:41:00 GMT

Maybe this is news to no one but us, but we never bothered to look at Men's Health because we have a vagina. We thought it was all about teaching men to exercise, eat their greens, and check out another guy's dick in the shower without looking gay. But, no, it's like Maxim up in there.

There must be some coded language on the cover that keeps women from opening it in the doctor's office or maybe it's an ancient secret passed down from fathers to sons, but Men's Health is chock full of articles about "Sex & Relationships," including February's "Seduction", "Decode Her" and "The 10 Best Things to Tell a Naked Woman." But once you "get past the grind," Men's Health just wants you to be safe. For example, their "Test Your Condom I.Q." quiz. We scored "not bad but not great either" and only because we think condoms expire earlier than they really do and because we thought dudes were lazy, not stupid (see question number 7). And you can't blame us for being careful and forgiving, now can you? Luckily, we answered this question correctly:

5. The best way to put on a condom is?
_Place it on the head of the penis and unroll it all the way to the base
_Remove it from the package, unroll it and pull it over the penis
_Remove it from package, inflate it and pull over the penis like a sock
_Without even removing it from the packaging

[Men's Health: Test Your Condom I.Q.]

Rosie O'Donnell Tops Maxim's Worst Sex Scenes Ever

Emily Farris — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:01:00 GMT

We tried to block the memory of the episode of Nip/Tuck where Christian had to screw Rosie O'Donnell's character, Dawn Budge. She just wouldn't stop talking and it made us really uncomfortable and we just wanted it to be over. Apparently so did the guys at Maxim who named it the Worst Love Scene Ever.

Full list after the jump.

1. Nip/Tuck - Julian McMahon and Rosie O’Donnell
2. Crash - James Spader and Rosanna Arquette
3. National Lampoon’s Van Wilder - Ryan Reynolds and Cynthia Fancher
4. Gigli - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez
6. Kingpin - Woody Harrelson and Lin Shaye
6. The Shininh - Jack Nicholson and Billie Gibson
7. The Cooler - William H. Macy and Maria Bello
8. Casino - Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone