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While You Were Sleeping: Slumdog Millionaire Horrors Continue

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

A great national tragedy in New Zealand as a sex shop endures a trial by fire.

JG Ballard, author of Crash (the David Cronenberg movie) and Empire of the Sun, died after a long battle with cancer.

This 100-year-old Italian woman, a Nobel-prize winner in medicine, is still working.

Here's one you'll love: a $3.3 million lottery winner has opened a dude nude ranch.

The little girl from Slumdog Millionaire is in danger of being sold off by her father for 200,000 English pounds.

The tombs of both Cleopatra and Marc Antony may have been discovered.

Everything is the fault of the paps, even Madonna's equestrian injury over the weekend.

Everything Obama touches turns into an Amazon.com bestseller.

Somehow we don't believe Leonardo DiCaprio would have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan, but stranger things happen every day.

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Can't Get No Satisfaction? Try Oxytocin

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 21:25:00 GMT

A new study indicates that the hormone oxytocin, normally used to facilliate birth and breastfeeding, can help you get over the fact that you're not attracted to damn near everyone around you.

An ABC News report says that oxytocin, which is available for purchase in the form of a nasal spray or injection, helps people develop bonds with strangers and to become more attracted to people they might not otherwise have been attracted to. Are we sure this is a good thing? Won't every guy in the world spray his bottle into a club full of women and then start prowling around? Can relationships survive this medical miracle?

A new study shows that men and women who inhale a whiff of the hormone oxytocin rate strangers as more attractive.
This effect adds to the hormone's known role in human relationships. One study found that oxytocin levels spike after new mothers look at or touch their newborns and may help bonding.
No matter their sex or mood, volunteers who received oxytocin rated male and female strangers as both more attractive and trusting.
Theodoridou's study did not examine how oxytocin could affect social judgements, but she speculates that the hormone dampens brain activity in a region involved in processing fearful emotions, called the amygdala.

Emphasis added. Before you all call up your uncle the shady doctor for a prescription (if you even need one), consider this partial list of side effects:

Impaired uterine blood flow, pelvic hematoma, tetanic uterine contractions, uterine rupture, postpartum hemorrhage.

In other words, completely harmless. Via ABC News.

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This Week in Gayness: Sacha Baron Cohen's Gay Sex

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

Is Republican hypocrite Newt Gingrich practicing "gay fascism?"

The Freedom to Marry bill, which would finally bring same-sex marriage to Vermont, was greenlit by the legislature and will likely pass. However, it faces a veto from the state's Governor.

Newsweek asks: "Is gay the new black?" We ask, "What took you so long, Newsweek?"

eHarmony "comes out of the closet" to announce their new gay matchmaking service, Compatible Partners.

Kanye West asks us to never question his manhood. No, the other manhood, silly.

An Australian Catholic priest has been banished from the church for blessing gay couples.

We mentioned in an earlier post that Bruno has received an NC-17 rating after its initial showing at the MPAA. Here's why:

Ratings officials are reportedly concerned over several sexually explicit scenes, including one where Cohen's character engages in what appears to be anal sex with another man. Confirming the rating, a spokesperson for movie studio Universal adds, "On its first submission the film did not receive an R (less restrictive rating), but it is far too early to say that there is any struggle to get there as the process is only at its inception."

As we already knew, the scientific community pretty much unanimously agrees the "ex-gay" thing is fake:

The American Medical Association stated, "Most of the emotional disturbance experienced by gay men and lesbians around their sexual identity is ... due more to a sense of alienation in an unaccepting environment. For this reason, aversion therapy ... is no longer recommended."

The American Academy of Pediatrics warned, "Therapy directed at specifically changing sexual orientation is contraindicated, since it can provoke guilt and anxiety while having little or no potential for achieving changes in orientation."

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Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Worse than Celibacy, Death, or Sex with Zach Braff?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:29:00 GMT

The top story on MSNBC right now: "US Home Prices Slide By 19%, Sharpest Decline on Record." The most-read story, though: "11 Baffling Medical Conditions," which the page on Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome leading the charge.

Before you get all excited about catching this illness, wait till you read about the symptoms...

While PSAS sounds like it could revive a floundering sex life, it's more likely to drive you batty first.

However, for the women who experience PSAS -- which causes them to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm -- the condition is a nightmarish curse. And up until 2001, it was a curse that didn't even have a name.

Relief from the condition is often as elusive as sympathy. The sensations, which are not brought about by fantasies or other sexual thoughts, are often only partially relieved through orgasm. For some women, even sex does not help quell their arousal, and on occasion can even make the sensations worse.

"To me this is a sickness," [Heather] Dearmon [a 34-year-old South Carolina woman] said. "This is not, it's not something we've chosen. ... I would rather never have another orgasm in my life for the rest of my life than to have this problem." [MSNBC]

Since so few women are willing to come forward, research and progress on developing a cure has never really gone anywhere. You have to wonder how many women are out there, perpetually on the brink of orgasm, and suffering quietly through work, carpools, drinks with friends, and so on...

Photo via Babble. By the way, we chose that photo because it was the first one that came up in Google Image when we searched for "persistent sexual arousal syndrome."

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Man Commits Suicide by Stabbing Himself in the What?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:44:00 GMT

This may be the craziest way to die we've ever heard.

Experts say it's very shocking when someone, as in the case of singer Elliot Smith, commits suicide by knife because of how painful and prolonged the plunge can be. (We promise the story we're about to tell is much more subdued than that graphic sentence.) That kind of self-inflicted stabbing has nothing on what one Chinese man did to himself...

A very confusing report out of China indicates a man was admitted to the hospital due to some sort of poisoning fear. There may also have been some external bleeding. X-rays soon revealed that the man had a knife inside his body and that the knife had entered through his... yeah, we won't finish that sentence lest you vomit. According to the man's nephew, the victim shoved the knife up his anus in an attempt to kill himself, likely over an outstanding debt from a recent surgery and a generally rough life.

The report seems to say he survived and made a full recovery, then goes on to talk about how he's deceased. We can only speculate that the one odd paragraph (about his survival) is incorrect or was supposed to be updated, while the rest of the story is accurate. Or maybe some bored Chinese newspaper made all this up and we're falling for it.

Either way, we've finally found the story that trumps the anal absurdity of the woman about the vicar admitted to an English hospital with a potato up his butt.

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No Foreplay For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:51:00 GMT

Just in time for Valentine's Day: a new "study" we'll all agree to hate, saying foreplay is completely unnecessary, validating horndogs everywhere...

The findings appear in this week's issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. (Wait, there's a Journal of Sexual Medicine? Why hasn't anyone sent us a subscription?) The article starts out by saying that therapists have been telling dudes for years that they need to warm their ladies up before things really get going. As lazy, selfish men have tried to tell everyone for years, this advice turns out to be irrelevant:

Turns out, [says the study of 2360 Czech women], sex time was correlated with orgasm consistency, but foreplay time was not. The results held even after excluding women who said they were with literal minutemen (these guys may have had problems with premature ejaculation.)

Among all the women, the average reported foreplay duration was 15.4 minutes, and the average intercourse duration 16.2 minutes, significantly higher than has been reported in American samples. The authors write: "It could be that this reflects, on average, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans." Oh? Is that why Europe is the only continent with a population drop from 2000 to 2005? [Psychology Today]

Hey, leave the jokes to us, Psychology Today... not that we can come up with a comeback or anything...

Of the women who report average intercourse length of 1 to 10 minutes, 50% had an orgasm most of the time and 28% had them in a minority of cases or never. For women who report 11 to 20 minutes, the numbers are 62% and 22%, and for the women who boink more than 20 minutes they're 72% and 13%. On word of this research, I would not buy stock in Trojan Ultra Thins.

Oh. Snap. By the way, you can read more of this at Psychology Today, via Gawker.

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Dad Uses Cheapo Supplements To Treat Daughter's Infected Heart, Girl Nearly Dies

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 17:52:00 GMT

When she was admitted to the hospital, one Australian girl was described by a doctor as "the sickest girl I've ever seen" and was running a temperature of 42 degrees Celsius. (For those of you keeping score in crazy America land, that would be about 107 degrees Fahrenheit.) Her mouth was peeling, black, and she could barely breathe thanks to her throat being stuffed with pills.

Now that she's confined to a wheelchair and suffering from brain damage, the eleven-year-old girl's father is off to six months in prison. But what is his crime?

According to various sources, it's not stuffing the pills down her throat or even waiting so long to take her to a doctor. It's the fact that he used alternative medicine-- in the form of widely discredited supplements called Mannatech, which aren't even supposed to treat anything. They're basically vitamins, according to the product's official website, which notes the pill is designed to optimize "skin, weight [loss], physical fitness and general health." When the girl's mother learned of her ex-husband's drug of choice, she decided not to intervene, lest he attempt to take away her custody.

Dad's lack of understanding of basic medicine, however, does not explain why he didn't take her to the hospital when her condition grew grave. The media is forgetting that it isn't the alternative medicine that's the biggest culprit here-- it's the parents' neglect. And before you say it's all Daddy's fault (he is mostly to blame, to be sure), let's not forget Mom worrying more about what's best for her and not gambling a bit of future paternity to intervene with, say, the police.

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Woman Nearly Forced Into Marriage Escapes To Britain

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 00:01:00 GMT

Not all forced marriages (i.e. parent-endorsed sexual slavery) end in miserable lifetimes for brides and/or grooms.

Sometimes, with the help of less ass-backwards friends and judges, bachelor(ettes) actually escape...

Today's story comes to us from Bangladesh, by way of the United Kingdom, the two homes of Humayra Abedin, a Bangladeshi-born doctor who recently graduated from Leeds University. Before she was able to obtain a position in her chosen field, she received news from back home that her mother was gravely ill. Once there, she either realized it was a trap to force her into marrying a local or, somehow and at some point, the family decided to hold her there against her will.

Luckily, Abedin was able to send word to a friend in England that her parents were holding her against her will and asking for help escaping the situation. As more and more people are refusing arranged marriages, the UK has reported a tremendous spikes in these kinds of distress calls. The interesting part is that, for the first time, the courts are siding with the victims.

But campaigners and the government say forced marriage remains significantly under-reported and the problem is more widespread than the figures suggest.
In the most serious cases kidnapping and sexual, physical and mental abuse are involved. In some instances victims have even been murdered. [BBC]

At least in this case, thanks to pressure from the British judicial system, the court in Bangladesh allowed Ms. Abedin to return to London, even scolding the parents and warning them that if they further meddled in their daughter's love life, they would be met with severe punishment. Yay!

Via various wire sources.

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That's Some Scary Voodoo Sh*t Right There...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 19:58:00 GMT

Astrology, religion, tarot cards, a left-wing President, voodoo-- all hoaxes to us. But although we would never fall into a trap set by a black magic healer and his wife, we understand that some people are so desperate to make changes in their lives, that they would even give up their bodies on the off chance it could turn things around...

(Remember-- there are no gods, curses, angels, miracles, Chicagoan saviors, or legitimate fortune tellers. If ever a man approaches you and offers to remove "a curse," tell him "that's the worst pickup line you've ever heard," kick him squarly in the groin, and take off running before the police arrive.)

According to the Sydney Morning Herald, Frances Psichogios and her husband Tony Golossian tricked at least two women into having sex with them over a period of several years in order to "cure" the woman of a supposed curse. When the women's lives didn't seem to turn around, they went to the police, who arrested the voodoo king and queen for forced non consensual sex.

We'd like to know what it was that these women were trying to get rid of. A painful breakup? An STD? Or did it have absolutely nothing to do with sex at all? Scary stuff in any case...

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Man Gets 4 Years For Doing Something Horrible To Grandma's Dog

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We were in Clearwater, Florida for Thanksgiving this year and heard a story so creepy, even we didn't want to write about it.

Which, as you know, means this is one you won't be able to brush off, no matter how much you drink to forget...

In court nearby, a twenty-year-old man named Nicholas Densmore (hopefully no relation to the Doors drummer-- or anyone else, for that matter) was being sentenced to four years in prison and one year's probation for raping a Yorkshire terrier. What's worse, it was his grandmother's dog.

And his grandmother caught him in the act.

Claudette Densmore spotted Nicholas hanging out with the dog in her family's motor home. When she approached, he took off running and dumped the dog in a trash can nearby. The dog tested positive for... oh, really, do you want to know? You don't. What makes this story all the more bizarre is that Nicholas's entire family testified in his favor and claimed the boy is schizophrenic, was off his meds, and should be at home where he can be supervised... by his grandmother. (Fark-ready tagline: "Why do they hate animals so much?")

Now that we think about it, was it wrong to put this guy away for four years, in light of what we know about his medical problems and the family's steadfast support?

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Having Painful Sex? The Men of New Jersey Would Like To Help

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 15:15:00 GMT

We realize that our headline is incredibly misleading but we never miss a chance to dig on our neighbors and rivals...

The Asbury Park Press has-- seriously-- gotten its panties in a twist about a bunch of dudes from New Jersey getting approved for an estrogen cream. We have to humbly step aside, without comment, and allow them their moment to shine:

Madison-based Wyeth said it won U.S. approval of a low-dose form of Premarin to treat a condition that makes sexual intercourse painful for some women.
The estrogen cream was approved for the condition known as postmenopausal dyspareunia, the company said today in a statement distributed by PR Newswire. The disorder follows the atrophy, or thinning, of the vagina and vulva that can occur in menopause, usually between the ages of 45 to 55.

The cream has 0.5 grams of estrogens, the company said. The drug will be sold by prescription only. [APP]

Ball's in your court, New York. Now we need to permanently cure impotence or the wandering eye or something... [Image]

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Ladies, If You're Not In The Mood, CNN Is Here To Save You...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 16:49:00 GMT

CNN has solved the problem of a woman's decreased libido. Hint: they want you to become a man.

Their top 5 ways women can improve their sex drives:

1. Impotence drugs such as Viagra, Levitra and Cialis

2. Testosterone

3. Arginine

4. Anti-stress herbs

5. Experimental medicines

So, unless you want to try risky experimental medicines or "anti-stress herbs," which sounds like a scam, CNN suggests the best methods for getitng in touch with your feminine sexuality is by taking stimulants intended for males. For God's sake, how long are women going to have to wait before they get their own drugs or treatments for sexual dysfunction? Viagra's been around for how many years now?

Get on it, people...

Until then, CNN and the Journal of the American Medical Association report that, for some women, erectile dysfunction drugs do work. Has anyone out there (females only, of course) tried their #1 technique?

Via CNN.

Guys Who Ride Bikes: Your Balls Are In Danger!

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:04:00 GMT

A new report has just reminded us why we almost prefer taking public transportation...

News-Medical.net has a story featuring a London urological surgeon who warns men that, should they ride the wrong bicycle, they could do severe damage to their family jewels. He says that men who cycle over long distances and/or for long periods of time or ride mountain bikes should are more likely than the average person to suffer genital injuries, including numbness and erectile dysfunction.

"Cyclists can also help to ease saddle-related injuries or skin irritations by adjusting the saddle height and fore and aft position.

"Padding in the saddle and shorts are also important if cyclists want to avoid saddle-related problems."
He says that the problems to look out for include genital numbness, erection problems and soreness and skin irritations in the groin area.

Men who cycle a lot can also experience changes to their sperm function, because of the excessive heat generated in the pelvic area. No general link between cycling and male infertility has been established, but it is still recognised as a possible side effect and has been noted in a number of male cyclists.

Boy Dies From Urinary Tract Infection While Parents Pray

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 14:15:00 GMT

We're not out to attack religious people or anything. It's just that in the past few weeks, there have been a bevy of news stories out there in this country that happened to feature wackos who happened to be religious doing things that happen to be totally bonkers nutjob crazy.

Now we hear from Strollerderby and the AP that a boy in Oregon died from a urinary tract infection (!) after his parents failed to so much as request a catheter for him. The fucked up part about all this is that they might not even be charged in his death...

Oregon state law allows minors 14 and older to be responsible for their own medical decisions. The family in this case is claiming the boy made the conscious choice to eschew regular medicine and turn to prayer. The prayer failed when the blockage caused urea to poison the organs in his system, eventually leading to heart failure.

While we disagree with the notion that 14-year-olds can be responsible for their own wise medical decisions (we're in our late 20s and can't make any decision now, let alone a medical one), just like we don't think teenagers should spend their lives in prison for any reason, we respect this law, since it might be applied to abortions and other decisions the teenager wants to make on their own without parental interference. The problem is, in this case, if the boy changed his mind while he was bedridden and wanted to seek medical treatment for his bronchial pneumonia, his protectors wouldn't have helped him. (And the fact that when his condition got worse and worse despite their praying and they weren't willing to step back and say, "You know what? Maybe this praying thing isn't working out? We should defy God because our son is so precious to us?" Okay, wait, that sounds terrible... but you know what we mean-- this is just terrible. People can believe whatever they want, but when a child's life is at stake and you don't do anything, that's where the secular world should step in and, at the very least, make sure this family never lets a child die again.)

You can disagree, as we're sure some of you will, but this is only an opinion. Some people might say that we shouldn't tell others to compromise their beliefs for anything, not even to save a life. We respect that point of view, although respectfully disagree with it.

One more thing. Seriously, we're asking: is there a passage of the Bible that specifically mentions doctors, medical treatment, medicine and condemns every one of them? It's fine to pray, but if you break your arm, for example, don't you get a cast? Just wondering.

Via Strollerderby.

Is There a Such Thing as Gay Cancer?

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:29:00 GMT

No, not exactly, but apparently gay men and lesbians face different cancer risks than the straight folk. At least according to a group of doctors in the UK.

Cancer directly affects one in three people in the UK and some particular cancers seem to be more common in gay men and lesbians, who are often more reluctant to seek early medical help, than in heterosexuals.

The new leaflets explain the risk factors for gay men and lesbians - for example, a higher risk of anal cancer in HIV-positive gay men - and explain simple things they can do that might save their lives, such as checking for lumps and attending screening appointments.

We hope that gay or straight, every woman is getting her boobies ~~rubbed~~ checked for lumps.

[PinkNews via Queerty]

My Year Beats Your "Le Weekend"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 21:30:00 GMT

Canada has just broken new ground in the ongoing sexual revolution (which began with the invention of rectal thermometers in 1342) with a new daily dosage of Cialis. Yes, "Le Weekend," as Europeans call the 24-36 hour anti-impotence drug, is now "Le Year," as this new version means men can be "spontaneous" and get boners all day long. Great-- just what we need... sex day and night. Yawn.

Seriously, folks, the nearly-four-dollar pills (or $185,498.45 if you're using American money) are a breakthrough, especially for men recovering from prostate cancer surgery. For the rest of us, we'll take a page from Lou Reed, who famously wrote "My week beats your year." Well, our weekend beats your year, Frenchie. Yep, the youth of France are complaining that they can't afford their own apartments thanks to discriminatory hiring and firing laws enacted last year, and have resorted to having sex in their parents'... beds?

The poster above is part of their uncomfortable little campaign, basically based around the idea that if you don't let your kids have job security, they won't have apartments, and therefore will have to have promiscuous sex in bed with you? Anyway, read more here.

Someone at ABC News is Still Angry About Their High School Cup Size

Bryan Christian — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:07:00 GMT

Interesting bit of science being reported recently, as some Canadian researchers are claiming a direct relation between the size of a woman's breasts when she is young and her risk for diabetes later in life -- but it's a pretty complex finding. On the one hand, it's possible that larger breasts might go hand-in-hand with obesity, which is a risk factor. On the other hand, doctors are still unclear how -- or even if -- breast growth might be physically related to insulin production, so it bears further research. And some are even calling the study and its methods into question.

Lots to unpack here, right? So what's the first thing on the mind of ABC News Medical Unit author Audrey Grayson?

Really? To whom, exactly? Like in a "Take that, Chesty McChesteron, hope your eventual blindness and amputations make your Double-F's look even bigger" kind of way?

UPDATE: Looks like ABC might be trying to cover their ass on this one, or perhaps the headline was punched up after the initial pubbing, as two decidedly different versions are coming up on the Google in the exact same URL. Click through to see the search for yourself.