Scanner : men's health

America's Top 10 Limpest Cities

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

We're obviously having too much fun with these lists, but we don't want to be too cruel. So, America's limpest cities after the jump.

10. Omaha, NE
9. Modesto, CA
8. Bakersfield, CA
7. Anchorage, AK
6. Oklahoma City, OK
5. Fort Worth, TX
4. Arlington, TX
3. Charelston, WV
2. Lubbock, TX
1. Tulsa, OK

Arlington, TX, ranked fourth on the list, and according to Men's Health it's the third best city in which to find a single man. Iiiinteresting.

[Men's Health: Metrogrades]

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How to Find a Woman's Erogenous Zones... From A Men's Magazine in India

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Just what you needed, dudes: a men's magazine in an ultra-conservative country giving you advice on how to give a woman sexual pleasure...

Here are some of the highlights of a story from Adonis Corner, the self-proclaimed "largest online men's magazine in India." Do try this at home, folks:

The back of the neck, more than other body parts, is incredibly important. Just behind the ear, brush the surface of the hollow part with your breath before applying light contact. Keep the touch light, but not enough to tickle. Notice how deep she’s breathing. This will indicate her state of euphoria and whether kissing is recommended.

While it may seem obvious, when caressing the breasts, avoid going straight for the nipples. Even the area where the breasts begin, at the collar bone, is sensitive to touch. Touch her collar bone using small circles, slowly widen the circles until you cup her breast gently in your hand.

Gently follow the lines of her ribs towards, but stop just short of, her breasts. This can send shivers through her body. Use your tongue, fingers or a feather to add a little extra spice to the situation.

The navel is a controversial area. Some love it, others hate it. Find out whether she enjoys having her navel stimulated. If she enjoys it, you can use anything to excite this area.

Controversial? Wow, we had no idea navels were that bad-ass.

Like the nipples, the inner thighs aren’t an expressway to her genitals. Caress the inside of her leg; tease her by stopping just short of the pubic area. Lotions and massage oils are recommended in this area.

The back of the knees are one of the body’s pulse points, where often women place perfume. This area can be very ticklish for some women, so be careful. Kiss her gently behind the knees on your way to her inner thighs.

Many people haven’t tried it, but sucking the toes can go over well with some women. Good hygiene is crucial for this activity, of course. It’s unlikely any woman will turn down a foot massage, so you can start off slowly by caressing her toes.

Now that's what we call a controversial statement. Haven't they heard of being ticklish?

Via this magazine.

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Men's Health Knows (almost nothing about) What To Say To A Naked Woman

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Since their post does not include a publication date, we cannot say for certain, but we would put at least a few dollars on this Men's Health piece having been greenlit during the slow holiday season.

Yesterday, someone alerted us to their piece entitled "The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman." It might as well have been titled "10 Hot Things To Say To A Woman You've Slept With More Than Once And 20 Things To Earn You 'Weirdo' Status..."

Below, we present the most cringe-inducing entries from their list, by order of discovery. While most won't be red flags or dealbreakers, it's hard to imagine situations where even a few of these would come in handy:

1. "Good morning." [Okay, far from disturbing and practically essential... but #1 Hottest Thing to Say to a Naked Woman?!]

2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see?"

21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot." [How creative!]

23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate.

24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now." [Lame!]

26. "Damn, I've missed you."

28. Playful laughter.

29. "Don't ever leave me."

No word on whether 29 is supposed to be said with a whimpering desperation in your voice... or while holding an ax.

Via Men's Health.

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Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:10:00 GMT

Men's Health (apparently the South African edition) has just published the "41 ways to melt a woman's heart," which should be subtitled "or compel her to obtain a restraining order."

Guys, don't try these at home... at least... not all of them.

Like all lists of advice for relationships, the value of the wisdom depends on the personalities. For example, see #3.

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk towards her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

We know quite a few ladies who get off on a guy who does not rush over to meet them, instead leans back with a sly smile and waits for his girl to meet him where he's already standing. But that's a trivial issue compared to some of these other creeptastical suggestions:

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice. [Yeah, and not necessarily in a good way. Dudes, don't forget, some women appreciate it when you don't shave before you see them.]
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. [Hmmm... why does this sound creepy all of a sudden?]
27. Worship her breasts.
28. Give her jewellery.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

Right. Make sure to be standing there, motionless and in complete silence, when she yanks the shower curtain over.

And although we're pretty sure this one's meant to be silly, after the above choices, we're not so sure:

41. If she’s too stressed to want sex...
a. Run a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.

Via Men's Health.

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Men's Magazines All About Getting You Laid (File Under: Date Rape)

Emily Farris — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:48:00 GMT

We're on to you, men's healthy lifestyle magazines. Whether you bury your information in your editorial content, or allow it in the advertising section, you're really just a cover for getting dudes laid, right?

This month, the back pages of Men's Fitness bring us a disturbing ad for Sexactivator, a "magical wonder liquid" that "can be taken orally, or put in any drink." And, "some women say that they love when their man puts a few drops in their favorite drink without them knowing. They say that it turns them on even more."

We have two questions. 1) What the fuck? 2) Does it work on dudes?

Full ad after the jump.

We have to ask one more time: what the fuck?

[Jezebel: Baby, I Spiked Your Drink With Sexactivator: Scary Ads From The New Men's Fitness]

Previously:

"Men's Health" is All About Getting Dudes Laid, Safely

Emily Farris — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 14:41:00 GMT

Maybe this is news to no one but us, but we never bothered to look at Men's Health because we have a vagina. We thought it was all about teaching men to exercise, eat their greens, and check out another guy's dick in the shower without looking gay. But, no, it's like Maxim up in there.

There must be some coded language on the cover that keeps women from opening it in the doctor's office or maybe it's an ancient secret passed down from fathers to sons, but Men's Health is chock full of articles about "Sex & Relationships," including February's "Seduction", "Decode Her" and "The 10 Best Things to Tell a Naked Woman." But once you "get past the grind," Men's Health just wants you to be safe. For example, their "Test Your Condom I.Q." quiz. We scored "not bad but not great either" and only because we think condoms expire earlier than they really do and because we thought dudes were lazy, not stupid (see question number 7). And you can't blame us for being careful and forgiving, now can you? Luckily, we answered this question correctly:

5. The best way to put on a condom is?
_Place it on the head of the penis and unroll it all the way to the base
_Remove it from the package, unroll it and pull it over the penis
_Remove it from package, inflate it and pull over the penis like a sock
_Without even removing it from the packaging

[Men's Health: Test Your Condom I.Q.]