Scanner : mexico

Sloppy Seconds: No Bullet-Proof Bras For You

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 May 2009 22:36:00 GMT

Check out this badass panda ripping some guy's jacket right off his back.

The days of pervy conservatives keeping an eye out for Splash Mountain topless photos are over. Flash away!

What do we think of this list of the Top 10 reasons men don't want sex? (We thought all ten would be "They're not attracted to you.")

Heidi Montag says she'll stay married to Spencer Brat forever. We give it six months, or one more season.

Mia Farrow is still going strong with her hunger strike, which is now at Day 11.

NYC teens are furious Bristol Palin, the "hypocrite," is in town promoting abstinence, which she had said was "unrealistic."

Screengrab picked the ten worst movies of all time-- and almost none of them were on MST3K.

"There is no such thing as a bullet-proof bra!"

Don't forget: passport rules for Mexico and Canada go into effect at the end of the month, not that anyone can afford a vacation these days.

And Will Smith wants to play a black James Bond. Great, just what we need-- pass over Idris Elba for a Hollywood action star-- that's just what the franchise needs.

Sloppy Seconds: Free Boobs!

Emily Farris — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 23:36:00 GMT

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has a penchant for pretty women (what politician doesn't?). And it's a source of "suffering" for his wife, Veronica Lario, she wrote in an open letter. [Yahoo!]

Simon Cowell joked that he's "secretly in love" with fellow American Idol judge Paula Abdul. And we wouldn't be all that surprised if he jerked off to the "Cold Hearted Snake" video back in the day... or if he still does. [Us]

After her double mastectomy, breast cancer survivor Christina Applegate says she still feels sexy, especially because her boyfriend, Dutch bass player Martyn Lenoble loves her "from head to toe." [People]

Is there no more bromance in the world? Chace Crawford is apparently looking to move out of the pad he shares with Gossip Girl co-star Ed Westwick. [PageSix]

Everyone can stop worrying about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They're taking the necessary precautions to prevent catching swine flu (the swine flu?) while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whew. We know we'll sleep better tonight knowing they're okay. [MTV]

Did California pageant officials buy homophobic Miss California, Carrie Prejean, new breasts? And if so, how do we get some? [Defamer]

Sloppy Seconds: Snipped Here, Screwed There

While You Were Sleeping: Britain's Next Topless Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Don't cancel your Mexican vacation, says the country's President... the shocking drug violence there will be all cleared up, you know, in 2012.

Brittany Snow will appear in a new spinoff of Gossip Girl, a popular educational program.

Another supermodel bites the dust... Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady were married in Santa Monica yesterday, after having denied the wedding rumors for months, even years.

Jake and Reese are rumored to be the next celebrity couple that will walk down the aisle.

Kate Nash is already one step ahead of them, although her fiancee is an unknown.

Just the latest in a long line of 45-year-old hotties to grace the nudie mag, Lisa Rinna will be the next one to pose for Playboy.

This unanimous Supreme Court ruling on religious monuments in public parks is extremely troublesome.

The woman in the car during Morgan Freeman's car accident claims he was drunk. Oh, and she's absolutely not his mistress. And one more: she's suing him for not denying the mistress thing.

Hero of the day? A mother ran into her daughter's rapist while he was out of jail on a weekend pass. He asked after her daughter, apparently in a gleeful manner, and so she followed him into a bar, poured a bottle of petrol all over him and... struck a match...

And Britain's Next Top Model is already topless...

Topless Coffee Shop Opens In Maine, Not Without Controversy, Bottoms

The Rise and Fall of Lindsay Lohan

Obama Crashes Carnival Party, Thanks to Naked Carnival Queen

Today in Teacher Sex: One Does It On The Floor, The Other Runs Off to Mexico with Her Boy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 16:24:00 GMT

After a nationwide manhunt, a Massachusetts teacher is in custody today in West Virginia. Authorities, parents, and students alike were "freaking out" over first-year eighth grade teacher Lisa Lavoie of Holyoke, Mass., when she eloped with a fifteen-year-old boy from her class. The pair used the school break as a head start, but the police had already been suspicious beforehand, leading to a quick capture.

Woman and child were believed to be trying to make a run for the Mexican border, but they were apprehended at a hotel room not even a third of the way down the map.

Meanwhile, in Idaho, another female teacher has been arrested and faces life in prison for something so unspeakable, it'll make you say, "What... the rest of her life... for that?"

Anna M. Bettencourt, 39, got it on with a 16-year-old boy on the floor of an "agriculture shop" (boy, they sure do things differently in Idaho), then once more in his truck. She allegedly sent him a series of tantalizing text messages to seduce him over a long period of time.

"She said she was going through bad times in her life and she enjoyed the attention and made the mistake of engaging in very inappropriate text-messaging with him," according to court records.

The charges-- two counts of felony sexual battery on a minor-- could mean Bettencourt spends the rest of her life (teaching) in prison if she's convicted.

More on Anna's story via this link. Lisa's via this link and this one.

Related:

Mama Bear Made Fantasties Come True For Teen Boys

Oh, The Things You'll Find...

Hooking is the New Teacher Scandal

12-Year-Old Girl Forced To Do Something Horrible At Teacher's Behest

Your New Favorite Mexican Boy (and Man) Band

Colleen Kane — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 22:16:00 GMT

Ranferi Negrett is a Mexican telenovela star who decided to get into the music biz, and did he ever, in a fabulous boy band way. Now he and his band of live-in minions are Ranferi y Sus Ranferis, and they must be seen to be belived. Luckily you can see them here, thanks to the Internets.

Here's part one of the report from VBS.TV, where we learn that out of 1500 competing, he selected four guys from around Latin America, each with different looks, in the boy band tradition. We also learn that he considers their feathers-and-spangles-laden costumes, which he designs, as "flashy yet tasteful." And we also learn that believe it or not, this act doesn't just have their all-women crowds, they also draw gay and lesbian audiences.

And now we must go, because we need to watch parts two and three of this special report.

Related:

Sam and Lilo Frolick on the Beach in Mexico

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

Nueve Inch Nails: Trent Reznor is Politically Incorrecto

Colleen Kane — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 21:41:00 GMT

Why, I remember the days when Trent Reznor was just a skinny, pale, suicidal-posing, leather-clad wussbag whining about being sad while lite industrial music hammered and/or chugged away in the background.

But have you taken a look at this guy lately?

Trent looks like a ripped monster came out of one of his videos and consumed his former body then took over his identity. Oh, and he's also dressing up as a Mexican along with his band.

Note that he has either gotten tan, or he's in brownface a la Charlton Heston in Touch of Evil.

Is this okay to do?

Related:

Losers of The Day: Dunkin' Donuts

Virgin Mary as Never Seen Before: In Mexican Playboy

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Image: thenameless69.deviantart.com

Fan photos from NIN forums, via Agent Bedhead.com

While You Were Sleeping: Mexican Beauty Queen Stripped... Of Her Title

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 14:03:00 GMT

Players and connoisseurs of music, Thelonious Monk's advice on playing in his band is an essential look at a mad genius.

Never been kissed? These kooks hadn't either, so they decided to make out in public and then tell the Daily News their real names.

Courtney Love and the Kardashians are at war...

Courtney Love faces possible legal action after accusing socialite Kim Kardashian's brother Rob of punching one of her gay employees.
In an angry rant on her MySpace page written on Wednesday, Love alleged that Kardashian's brother Rob Jr. broke the nose of her employee while calling him a "faggot" in September.

Love writes: "Rob Jr. cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my guy was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside Hyde lounge."

Talk about adding insult to injury: not only is he named Mike Hunt, but the internet makes fun of his name when he's murdered.

At last, CNN does something good with its website: it reports on a 17-year-old Maryland kid who heard about violence against Sudanese women who go looking for firewood and decided to raise money to send them stoves.

The war between Lindsay Lohan and her father, and her father and Samantha Ronson, rages on.

A Mexican beauty queen lost her title after getting caught up in a drug sweep.

$100,000 worth of cashews were stolen in Sydney yesterday.

And rumors involving the possible engagement of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen turn out to have been false (we think.)

You Lucky Londoners Get To See The Transvestite Mexican Midget Wrestling Match

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 17:57:00 GMT

How often do you get to see transvestite little people in wolverine masks beating the Christ out of each other in a famed British theater?

The Roundabout in ol' Camden town is trumpeting the return of lucha libre wrestling, which you know of from that ridiculous Jack Black movie. The matches begin Saturday night and continue through Tuesday, with tickets to see "Cassandra" selling out in a hurry...

After football (bizarrely known as "soccer" in America), lucha libre is the second-favorite sport of Mexico, which may explain why we haven't heard of it here. If it works, Americans don't want anything to do with it-- like the metric system and universal healthcare. Then again, most countries, including ours, wouldn't know what to make of Cassandra(o), who, according to the Sun, enters the ring in a woman's bathing suit and pantyhose.

In an interview he gave to the paper nearly two decades after coming out in the heavily-Catholic country, Cassandra looked back on a glorious career:

“When I first walk down the aisle, to go to the ring, people start whistling at me, calling me names and saying: ‘What is that?’ But once they see me doing my Lucha Libre, they forget about the gay thing. In fact after the match they bow at me and even ask for kisses and hugs! It proves that you should never judge before you actually meet somebody.”

Godspeed, Cassandra, godspeed... and good luck against "Lubito!"

Middle photo via Getty Images.

Related:

New Orleans Politician Arrested While Getting-- How Perfect-- A Lap Dance

Sex Shop Etiquette... From A $9-An-Hour Sex Shop Employee

Can You See How We Thought it Said "Tranny?"

And The Bad Sex in Fiction Winners Are...

World's Fattest Man Marries, Doesn't Eat Cake

Emily Farris — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:58:00 GMT

As the weather cools down, everyone seems to get a little blue. All of my friends (and myself) complain that their waistlines expand as the temperature drops. The bicycles go into storage and the idea of getting up to run when it's dark and cold outside is completely unappealing. We crave comfort food. Perhaps some meat on some bread with some cheese on it. Deep-fried potatoes on the side would be nice. They'd be even better dipped in mayonnaise. So, yeah, we're all feeling fat. And perhaps lonely; the colder it gets, the more we want someone warm to cuddle with.

Well, friends, if the world's fattest man—who hasn't even left his bed in six years can get married—you (and I) should have hope that our fat asses won't be all alone in our cold beds this winter.

Yesterday, Uribe married his longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis.

Wearing a white silk shirt with a sheet wrapped around his legs, Uribe smiled as Solis, 38, walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress, a tiara and hot-pink lipstick.

He later broke into tears as a notary declared the couple husband and wife in a civil ceremony attended by more than 400 guests. For the traditional first dance as newlyweds, Uribe and Solis held hands and swayed to a romantic ballad.

A popular local norteno band played accordion-heavy tunes at the reception, which featured a banquet of meat and buttered vegetables.

Uribe's mother, Orquedia Garza, said the groom steered clear of the five-tier wedding cake.

"He didn't break his diet," she told The Associated Press. "His doctors are here and they are watching him very closely."

Let him eat cake! More to love?

[Yahoo!: World's heaviest man marries in Mexico]

Related:

World's Fattest Man is 550 Pounds and 24 Days Closer to Endless Love

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

World's Fattest Man is 550 Pounds and 24 Days Closer to Endless Love

Emily Farris — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:42:00 GMT

Manuel Uribe didn't lose 550 pounds just for the hell of it. No, the World's Fattest Man is in love. And he might have a tuxedo (and perhaps a vagina?) to squeeze into.

Uribe will marry his girlfriend of four years, Claudia Solis, in Monterrey, Mexico on October 26. And now that we think of it, there's probably no tuxedo to squeeze into; he'll be wheeled to the ceremony because he still can't get out of bed.

Considering he spends all of this time in bed, and is rarely wearing clothes and is about to get married, one can't help but wonder if, and how, this man has sex.

[USA Today via YBNBY]

Related:

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It

[Image]

Sloppy Seconds: Lil' Kim To Be A Playboy Centerfold?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:01:00 GMT

The new DIY porn station in Canada is sure to give us lots of blog material over the next several centuries.

A six-year-old boy had the adventure of a lifetime when he was accidentally transported to Mexico. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough money for the "around the world" package the girls were offering him.

A McCain advisor, who thinks the economy is doing spiffy, once invested in porn movies. Well, that's at least one intelligent thing he did that involves money.

Diabetes may have less to do with McDonald's and more to do with your drinking water... at least more than you thought.

Who needs a recap of a Hills episode? We didn't see it, but here's our overview: Heidi and Spencer are silicone robots.

An ex-Mormon is releasing an R-rated movie. This has gotta be juicy...

Lil' Kim, who made out with Hef and previously rejected his lowball offer to pose nude for his magazine, is reportedly ready to accept:

“’I am willing to shell out any amount for Kim, I’ve been trying to get her to do it for years!’ Hugh exclaims. The two have not been shy about their feelings for each other when Hugh was seen kissing Lil’ Kim at a post Grammy party back in 2001.”

“Kim previously declined the offer for the cover citing her religious beliefs and devotion to God, but a source close to Kim says “the only reason why she declined it at the time was because the money was not enough, this time the money is right.”

Related:

German Female Olympians Form Close Bond, Immediately Pose Nude For Playboy

Who Will Play Playboy Hugh Hefner in the Story of His Life?

Heidi Montag Endorses McCain; Alarmed GOPers Head For the Hills

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

Today In WTF: 1970s Kidnapper, Still On The Lam, Turns Up With Cloned Dogs?

Mary-Louise Parker Breaks Toe, Films First Nude Sex Scene For Weeds

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:38:00 GMT

Mary Louise-Parker, the coolest and sexiest Mom on earth (if you think we're kidding, you obviously have never read anything she's written or, well, seen her naked), finally gave her fans what they've craved for four seasons of the hit Showtime show Weeds: a very naked sex scene...

And better yet, it's with Mexico's legendary heartthrob Demian Bichir, who everyone was waiting to see take it all off since his first, ten-second cameo early in the season... and we have the link below. (Side note: Although we were rooting for Bichir to become MLP's love interest, we nevertheless miss the lovably awful Matthew Modine character...)

Back in January, Scanner Emily told you about Parker's dangerous sex scene, in which she broke her toe on the first take. Turns out, the producers/editors/director did end up using that first, tragic take... and then just having a full-on field day from there. This link is totally NSFW-- even the animal bleating that opens the clip could be misconstrued by the neighboring cubicle dweller. If you don't want to risk it, here's a screenshot to tide you over:

Here's the full clip, from Egotastic.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Mary Louise Parker's Hazardous Love Scene

Spank Me/It: The Nastiest Sex Scenes Ever

Rosie O'Donnell Tops Maxim's Worst Sex Scenes Ever

Kevin Smith Makes A Porno... Or So Thought The MPAA

Today in the Apocalypse: Man Injured in Mooning Prank Gone Wrong

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:13:00 GMT

Continuing signs of the coming apocalypse today in a variety of bizarre arrests and other News of The Weird exclusives. The Tampa, FL area continues to be a source of great amusement for Scanner bloggers-- today's story features a man brought in on felony charges for building a treehouse on a chemical company's forested property so he could feed his addiction to horse racing.

Raymond Rogers built hisself a fifteen-foot-high tree house in what he probably thought was some abandoned forest so he could use binoculars to eyeball the track. Rogers told police he had been banned from entering the grandstand itself after "causing problems with the customers." Hmmm...

Other signs of the coming apocalypse include:

Gawker reported on the above photo, which they claim is a real candid of a drunk driver showing up late to watch a Mexican bike race.

A mugger was chased down and busted by a man in a motorized wheelchair. And a 71 year old man.

Speaking of John McCain, he will try to steal the spotlight from the Democrats tonight by making a big speech about-- wait for it-- "change in America."

A Dutch 21-year-old male mortified patrons in a local restaurant by pressing his ass against the glass. The glass, as you probably guess, shattered into a bazillion pieces... and cut his ass off.

And in India, a man ordered his father murdered so he could ascend to his job on the day before the man was going to retire anyway and a married couple accidentally divorced ten years ago and they didn't even know it. Guess they saved a boatload on legal fees down the road...

World's Fattest Man is Still Very Fat

Emily Farris — Wed, 14 May 2008 20:22:00 GMT

Manuel Uribe from Monterrey, Mexico, is/was the World's Fattest Man. He apparently lost half of his body weight on a low-carb diet, but he is still very, very, very fat. And we're really, really, really confused by the two large masses protruding from between his legs. But don't click through if you're easily grossed out. Seriously.

No, seriously.

Okay, but we warned you.

We know there are some medical professionals who read this blog who can explain to us that those masses are merely fat from his thighs, right? Right? Please say, "right."

[Image]

[Previously: World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It]

Sloppy Seconds: Father-Daughter Love Child

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 21:28:00 GMT

And you thought dry humping Jennifer Garner at the Oscars was the craziest thing Gary Busey's ever done?

Check out this interview with Busey from a recent issue of Maxim, which pokes lots of fun at the weirdo actor's drug history, including the time he did coke off his dog's ass. This Sloppy Seconds gonna write itself, wethinks.

Jay and Beyonce got married on Friday. Or was it Saturday? Are they even an item? No one knows for sure. We gotta say, more power to the both of them for not letting the slimeballs at Us Weekly get anything out of this.

Freakiest story of the day: "A man who received a heart transplant 12 years ago and later married the donor's widow died the same way the donor did, authorities said: of a self-inflicted gunshot wound." (MSNBC)

Would someone please confirm that Tom Waits is, in fact, going on tour this summer? This iVoice Chat with a very drunk "Tom Waits," while hilarious, doesn't actually come from reputable sources.

It's official: Mexico has re-conquered the Southwest US. Maybe they'll burn down the Absolut distribution center on their march North, just for this insultingly stupid ad.

And an incestuous relationship between a father and daughter in Australia has produced, gag, a child. (Isn't Mom a little worried that her convicted armed-robber lover/father is perhaps already after the nine-month-old for his next conquest?) Normally, we'd make a joke about this being a great reality show for E!'s midseason replacement lineup, but we don't want to give them any ideas.

Dad/Husband: "Of course I knew it was illegal but, you know, so what."

Mrs. Deaves said the physical relationship with her father was like "a sexual relationship with any other man". For Mr. Deaves the sexual relationship was "absolutely fantastic".

There are so many things we could say here, but instead: JTUASIMM, which means "just threw up a SHITLOAD in my mouth."

Via News.au.com.

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Mendes' New Underwear Modeling Gig

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 21:46:00 GMT

An Australian man was gunned down in his driveway by a robot packing a .22 semi-automatic pistol. Don't worry, though, the robots aren't taking over the world just yet. The man built the robot and programmed it to kill him.

Hey kids, if you're going to smuggle pot across international borders, why not use soda cans or text books? You know, something the kids are into these days. We hear The Hills DVDs are all the rage. We once had a boyfriend get a shit-ton of pot through airport security tucked deep into a jar of Nutella. But cans of vegetables? Hominy at that? Industrial size cans of hominy?!

If you haven't watched last night's LOST yet, then you probably don't want to click this link to find out which character is gay, gay, gay.

Speaking of gay, if you have any potentially gay kids hanging around, Good Morning America producers want to get their hands on them. No, not like that, pervert! They just want to exploit the kids in the name of journalism.

We love The Internets and all, but proposing via Twitter? After being together for fifteen years? Maybe the couple should limit their sex life to instant messages and build robot babies and take virtual tours of places they'd like to vacation together. (Sorry, we're really worried we're beginning to exist only on online, so these things kind-of get to us.)

Eva Mendes is fresh out of rehab and will soon be modeling underwear for Calvin Klein. The sexy actress is already a spokesperson CK's fragrance line, but now she'll be half nekkid and smell good.

Image of Eva Mendes NOT modeling Calvin Klein underwear via chinadaily.com.cn

World's Fattest Man Loses Half His Body Weight on Low Carb Diet, If He Can Do It, We Can Do It

Emily Farris — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 17:53:00 GMT

Yes. We. Can.

But seriously, kids, if you do not want to see what we're certain is his before picture, do not click through. Seriously. No, seriously.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

[Telegraph: Diet halves body weight of fattest man]