Scanner : mfk

Marry, F*ck or Kill: Sexy Doctor Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:05:00 GMT

Sixteen million people watched the E.R. series finale last night. We were not among them, but if our Twitter feed is any indication, old-school fans were seriously missing sexy, sexy Dr. Ross, played many seasons ago by George Clooney. And that got us thinking about how glad we are to still have Lost's Matthew Shepherd in our lives. We thought we'd do a little "Who Would You Rather: Dr. Ross vs. Dr. Shepherd?" but then we remembered Dr. McDreamy, played by Patrick Dempsey on Grey's Anatomy. Ah! So many sexy doctors, so little time—the perfect situation for a very important decision: which TV doctor do you marry, which do you fuck and which do you DNR?

Mary, F*ck or Kill: Inclement Weather Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

We're seriously starting to wonder why we didn't just drive all the way across the country and go to California instead of the Midwest. We just spent an hour-and-a-half in a car to get about ten miles. We were skidding all over the place and had to turn around a few times because we couldn't make it up a few hills. But is it any worse than living in hurricane land or the hot, hot heat?

Which would you marry, fuck and kill: blizzard, hurricane, heat wave?

Better Than a Snow Day?

TTYL, or, Kansas City Here I Come

Marry, F*ck or Kill?: American Idol Judges

Emily Farris — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 15:01:00 GMT

Last night's premiere of Season 7 of American Idol rolled out the red carpet for the good the bad, the ugly and the crazy.

And, oh what a night! There were drag queens, goth kids, jokers and one farm boy we're pretty sure we'd go to jail for looking at twice. And we're wiling to take that chance.

Ryan Seacrest may have had a homoerotic experience toward the end of the show, and it did not go unnoticed that Paula Abdul did not appear to be under the influence of anything.

But as always, the real stars of the show were the judges, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell. So, which American Idol judge would you marry, fuck and kill?

The Results Are In: Marry, F*ck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition

Emily Farris — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 20:08:00 GMT

You guys were all over the place on the Marry, Fuck, Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, except for one common theme...

Most of you want to marry Hillary Clinton. Does this mean you want to vote for her? Or that only dudes commented and you're not allowed to marry other dudes?

Previously: Marry, F*ck or K*ll, Scanner Caucus Edition: Clinton, Obama, Edwards

Scanner Emily's Note to Self: Back That Sh*t Up!

Emily Farris — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:21:00 GMT

You may have noticed my absence yesterday. Or maybe you didn't. Either way, not too long after posting Marry, Fuck or Kill, Scanner Caucus Edition, my computer screen got all sci-fi and blinky on me and then I got the blue screen of death. Maybe the Feds really were coming for me, trying to hit me where it hurts most. Or maybe I should have seen it coming for the last year when every time I opened my computer it sounded like a cement mixer and all the letters were worn off the keyboard. Needless to say, I spent the day worrying whether everything on it (including my book that's due in five days), none of which was backed up, could be recovered. Thanks to the wonderful people at Tekserve, my book and a few other important files were salvaged. Now I have a shiny new MacBook (yes, mere weeks before Apple releases a new laptop) and a whole lotta' debt. Point being: back that shit up (though I'm probably the only idiot who didn't).

P.S. I don't have Photoshop yet or there'd be a big ole' heart around that Tekserve logo.

Marry, Fck or Kll, Scanner Caucus Edition: Clinton, Obama, Edwards

Emily Farris — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 15:15:00 GMT

We have a feeling the Secret Service is going to knock down our door any minute for this one (hence the extra asterisks), but seriously, who would you take home to mom, bang in a dark alley or leave for d*ad... let's say, politically speaking (that should keep the Feds off our back for a while), Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards?

Results posted tomorrow. Get out the vote!

Marry, F*ck or Kill?: The Santa Claus Edition

Emily Farris — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:31:00 GMT

While we kind-of feel like this one is a no-brainer, we have to ask those of you who are stuck at work and still reading Scanner today: whose Santa Claus would you marry, fuck and kill?

Tim Allen, Billy Bob Thorton and Paul Giamatti:

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnancy Edition...and Other Stuff

Emily Farris — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 22:06:00 GMT

We came, we saw, wet got pregnant.

Highs:

We were pleased to learn that funny girls have better sex. And that we retained something from reasoning class, after all.

Scanner Bryan grew some facial hair and raised money for kids.

We got to know our neighbors a little better.

Jessica Simpson came back into our lives. If only for a little while. Twice, actually.

Whether you hated it or loved it, we hope you found the Nerve Holiday Gift Guide helpful.

Lows:

Oh Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn, Jamie Lynn.

Someone thinks we should be killing people, but we prefer to stick to inanimate objects, food, modes of transportation, and the like.

Censorship.

We got bored, and turned ourselves into dancing elves. (And rhymed again).

Marry, F*uck or Kill?: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Emily Farris — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:30:00 GMT

For many of us, it's time to make the joyous, yet tedious trip home. But before we start boozing to try and forget why we ever left in the first place, we have to actually get there. So what do you choose: plane, train or automobile? While we hold out hope you've done it in all of them, it's time to choose which one you'd take home to meet mom, which one you'd bang in the wee hours of morning and leave before the sun comes up, and which you'd leave for dead.

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Thanksgiving Dinner

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 16:07:00 GMT

We at Scanner would like to go on record as huge fans of Thanksgiving dinner. From start to finish, it's the perfect meal. As we're peeling apples for pie, we want to know how you feel about the holiday. More specifically, we want to know what you do if forced to marry, fuck, or kill Thanksgiving dinner. The showdown is between turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Which would you make an honest meal out of, which would you gorge yourself on and leave before morning, and which would you feed to the dogs?

Marry, fuck, or kill?:

Turkey
Stuffing
Mashed potatoes

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: 80s Teen Movie Jennifers

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 15:30:00 GMT

We'll be honest, there are a lot of 80s teen movies and there are a lot of 80s teen movie queens. We all feel passionately about our favorites (cough - Phoebe Cates - cough). You may feel so passionately about yours, you'd like to mention her in the comments. But today, if you do nothing else, you must choose between 80s teen movie queens named Jennifer. We've married, fucked, and killed Jennifers before at Scanner, but it turns out Jennys are a sticky bunch. They just keep haunting our dreams. More specifically, Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing, Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Jennifer Beals in Flashdance keep us tossing and turning at night. While they're each spectacular, you can't have them all. No, you have to choose: Which Jennifer will you take to the chapel in leg warmers and a tube top, which Jennifer will you take to the backseat of your parents' car with a condom and a smile, and which Jennifer will you take to the morgue in a body bag. It's all you, rock stars.

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?:

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer Jason Leigh
Jennifer Beals

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: The Men of American Gangster

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 14:30:00 GMT

American Gangster opens today, and while we haven't seen a movie at the theaters in months (pirated DVDs on the street are so much more convenient and cheap), come 8:30PM we'll be comfortably seated in the middle rows. What, you ask, could entice us to leave the comfort of our barstool for the sticky theater floors? These men, that's what. Denzel Washington is, well, Denzel. We'd pay a lot more that $10.50 to see him smile. Russell Crowe is fiery and that scruff has always done it for us. Chiwetel Ejiofor may not have the star recognition, but he sure has the acting chops and the good looks to turn heads. So how's this gonna go down, folks. Who's getting dragged to the Justice of the Peace, who's getting shagged on a pile of blow in a dirty motel room, and who will rest six feet under?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

Denzel Washington
Russell Crowe
Chiwetel Ejiofor

Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Bond, James Bond

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 14:07:00 GMT

We're going to level with you. We're not huge James Bond fans. We have seen pretty much all the movies, but this is because we love chase scenes and the technology. Even so, we have our Bond Girl moments. Those smoking jackets and all that shoulder biting always get us in the end. We've got a secret favorite secret agent, but we want to hear from you. Sean Connery is classic Bond with a taste for martinis and a carpet on his body. Pierce Brosnan drives Bond's remote control car and does bad things to Teri Hatcher, and Daniel Craig's abs alone could save us from an international ring of terrorist spy thieves. There's a gun to your head and a cord around your throat: Who will you wed on the beach at sunset, who will you Goldfinger for the computer chip in the briefcase, and who will you decapitate with your hat after he foils your plot for world domination?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill:

Sean Connery
Pierce Brosnan

Daniel Craig