Scanner : michael phelps

Michael Phelps Still Celebrating With Strippers, Probably Hitting the Hash Pipe

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 May 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Michael Phelps appears to be content to vanish into a haze of canned beer stink and vaporized marijuana in the city of Baltimore, Maryland.

Today, one of his sex partners (we hesitate to use the term "ex-girlfriend," since the only real date they had was a "special value meal" together at Taco Bell), a stripper named Theresa White (we're guessing the 25-year-old Latin bombshell is using an alias) spoke with News of the World about the orgies, drugs, junk food, and best of all, the three-hour marathon sex sessions with the Olympian...

Her scandalous allegations about the multiple-gold winner include:

-she actually picked him up one night when they were drunk at her strip club. She staggered over and asked him if he wanted to take anyone in the club home with him and he said "you" and pointed to two other girls. Eventually, a threesome was arranged, apparently Phelps' first. It's good to be the King Stoner.

-Phelps spends all his money in (illegal?) online gambling rooms, where he hopes to one day become a champion, his new goal in life

-never took her out on a real date, unless you count Taco Bell, which we believe 100%

-hates Spaniards

-had sex with her for more than three hours and "should be given a gold medal for lovemaking," according to White, who also offhandedly mentions she has 34D boobs

-okay, we made up the Spaniards one

-has a harem of at least five or six women he considers "easy lays" in the Baltimore area

-has a major chewing tobacco habit and his house smells like ass-- and not the good kind

Phelps, it's time to clean up your act. There will be many more women angry with you and willing to soil the public image you cherish so deeply...

Via News of the World.

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Top 5 Charlize Theron Sex Scenes

Lisa Rinna Poses For Playboy At 45, Just For the Hell of It

18-Year-Old Boy Arrested in Most Bizarre Sex Tape Bust Yet

Desperate Housewife Calls in the Cops in Nude Photo Blog War

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bristol Palin spoke out and admitted she was unprepared for motherhood.

What does the first female minister mean for Saudi Arabia?

After weeks of media obsession, prosecutor's zeal, and ridiculous wastes of energy, Michael Phelps is not going to be charged with possession of anything.

These Valentine's Day secrets are actually heartbreaking.

With all these bird attacks on airplanes, you gotta wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer is working on a remake of that Hitchcock movie yet.

Some guy bought a phone containing numbers for Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, and Natalie Portman on ebay. Yep, that's about it-- and no, he didn't share them with us.

Like we said, Lily Allen is often annoying.

Somebody hacked Miley Cyrus. Of course, seeing as it was Twitter, they wrote a bunch of nonsense and wasted our time.

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Birds Do It, Bees Do It, See it at Zoorotica

Colleen Kane — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 17:23:00 GMT

In a week where the moral ground of Kellogg's is being questioned following their dumping of Michael Phelps, another less-than-wholesome story unfolds in Kellogg's hometown, the once-innocent Battle Creek, Michigan. The Binder Park Zoo is offering what they're calling an R-rated exhibition for Valentine's Day: Zoorotica.

"We're going to talk about animal reproduction, the different animals here at Binder Park Zoo and their little quirks, different things that get them going to help them reproduce," said a spokeswoman. There's a waiting list for those (preverts) interested.

Um...romantic?

Suggested follow-up film for this date: Microcosmos, in which you can totally watch insects doing it.

Incidentally, you should probably never do a Google image search for "animal sex" like I just did to find the photo above...unless you are into beastiality.

Related:

Impress the Ladies with Valentine Gifts

Bobby's Valentines Day

Have a steak and blow job today. No, really. We insist.

While You Were Sleeping: Woody And the Scarlett-Penelope Makeout Scene

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

How does a man "accidentally" castrate himself and flush his own penis down the toilet?

Robin Quivers has some diet tips for you that sound similar to everything else you've heard, except they worked for her.

It's nice to see that Etta James is as crazy as we remember her from a 2008 concert.

Are you an ex-masturbator? We are-- although only from this moment until the moment after this post is complete.

Don't miss John Cleese on Jimmy Kimmel.

Barry Bonds plead not guilty to charges of perjury. Does this guy ever stop lying?

Joe Satriani won't have his goons stalk Coldplay at the Grammy's.

Michael Phelps has been suspended from swimming and lost his Corn Flakes deal. So what?

And Woody Allen wasn't even there to witness Scarlett and Penelope make out. Huh? What kind of director misses that scene?

Why You Should Never Deny a Kansas City Man His Ice Cream (Hint: You Will End Up Dead)

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

Related:

Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Kanye Porn Update

While You Were Sleeping: Zooey Deschanel's Next Record

While You Were Sleeping: The NY Senate Seat Saga Ends?

While You Were Sleeping: Michael Phelps Caught on Tape

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

The Tom Cruise movie Valkyrie is doing well overseas-- hey, he has a career after all...

Judah Friedlander weighed in on the Super Bowl... before the game.

Barack Obama's brother was released from jail following a pot posession charge.

The latest victims in the newspaper crash: LA Times staffers.

The latest victims of Sarah Palin's constant white lies: Republicans.

Lisa Loeb is no longer a "#1 single."

This dumbass thinks someone will buy his 867-5309 number on ebay after telling the New York Times it gets hounded with prank calls.

The Transformers sequel had its trailer premiere during the Super Bowl.

Jennifer Hudson returned to the public eye for a dynamite performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl.

Michael Phelps was busted by photographer and eyewitnesses getting stoned via "a marijuana pipe" at a South Carolina college party.

And we finally found someone with a more bizarre life(style) than Britney Spears: her ex, the guy she just slapped with a restraining order, Adnan Ghalib.

Trailer Trash Tramp Takes Two Teens To... Paradise?

Today in WTF: Seductive Farting

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

20 Most Amazing Coincidences... or Hoaxes?

Scanner Brian's Year in Review

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 19:43:00 GMT

As you may have noticed, we're cleaning house today in preparation for a radically inventive new year, free of server crashes and other taint.

One way of wrapping it up is a post that covers just about everything you missed in 2008 here on Scanner. And while a Best of the Year list is still to come, we want to make sure you get an overall summation of what went down here in the past 365...

In January, we revealed a new study that indicated abortion rates are plummeting, coinciding with the release of Juno. Our readers claimed the real reason is because there are no more abortion clinics. The same month, I, Scanner Brian and Bobby Tisdale mutually invaded the Nerve offices to demand jobs, neither of us realizing what the hell we were doing. The next thing we knew, we were both blogging here and even making a bit of cash (yes, we get paid to write this garbage! Ha ha ha, suckers.)

In Februrary, Scanner Nicole returned from opening for the Stones and we became a bit too obsessed with Valentine's Day, which will happen again in 2009, despite the economy. Scanner Emily threw a party, at which Katie Halper did a bit about her crazy dating life, which lead to a brief stint blogging for Scanner. (We have a higher turnover rate than an American Apparel secretary pool.) We felt better about the younger generation after hearing about this t-shirt protest and became afraid for the future of England after this one.

The Eliot Spitzer scandal broke in March and our obsession with Ashley Alexandra Dupre began. The only other story we can recall about March was our Name That Bush contest. The big story would've been the Lindsay Lohan sex tape or the lost frog, had we ever actually found either.

In April, we ruffled some feathers with this misinterpreted post about some photos of Neve Campbell's boobs. Luckily, everyone was distracted by the blog about the passive aggressive notes or some other bullshit.

May saw the beginning of the end of the Democratic primary, although all we cared about is this totally hot actress with the worst outfit on the planet, even this totally nude non-actress was way more memorable. We also began fixating on vegetables with penises, a problem that continues into the current week at Scanner.

In June, Scanner Bryan (my spelling is the correct one, damn it) left us to for a Remote Island, causing total anarchy and a lack of James Lipton jokes. Scanner Nicole interviewed the owner of the Real Dolls and we... well, we couldn't land any interviews with porn stars so we could kickstart our "regular" feature. Most memorably, a woman was seriously injured by her Victoria's Secret thong and, in our then-biggest story ever, a kid died as a result of a urinary tract infection while his prayed. Yikes.

Then Scanner Emily took off for summer camp in New Hampshire and we were left holding the bag... of flaming shit! Just kidding-- our July was a smash success, mostly thanks to Michael Phelps's peen and other deliberately nude Olympians. Meanwhile, the Naked Lady rode again.

August was the month of stupid people. The stupid people who gave out their bank info (to a teenage boy undercover!) in order to access what they hoped would be a library of child porn. Each day's Sloppy Seconds was chock full of idiocy and weirdness, while Highs and Lows, as is the case with the two previously-mentioned August posts, was all about Sweden, the greatest country for sex, nudity, and nutjobs in the world.

In September, Emily returned from her hot (not very), wet (not in that way), American summer. Scanner was on the floor for Sarah Palin's night at the RNC and got involved with a police-led riot. Speaking of Palin, Scanner Emily wrote about virtually nothing else that month-- and we joined her, only because we couldn't resist posting these Photoshop classics.

As for Halloween, we were already talking about (slutty) Halloween costumes on the third day of October. Meanwhile, Hayden (our former love) pretended to support John McCain on Funny or Die. (By the way, more costumes posts here and here.)

Mid-November, we welcomed Scanner Matt and Scanner Emily started some shit with some Facebook Mormons. (We actually first wrote that as "Facebook Morons" and almost kept it.) At Thanksgiving, we were thankful for getting laid, Arlo Guthrie (not by Arlo Guthrie, thank God), and sweeet 'tater not pie.

Over the last month, there have been many brilliant posts, all of them written by myself, of course. Seriously, though, if you missed out on the last month, start here and read back. (Or just read Scanner Colleen's most beloved post.) This has taken us a century to write as is.

See you next year, sucka!

Sloppy Seconds: How Kanye West is Handling the Recession

Emily Farris — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 00:41:00 GMT

The nearly naked girl Michael Phelps has been spotted with his not his girlfriend. Mmmkay? [Us]

Another one (of our potential future husbands) bites the dust. Sam Talbot, ~~winner~~ runner up from Season 2 of Top Chef got married in a secret ceremony last month, further increasing my chances of becoming the Crazy Cat Lady. [People]

If you're selling pictures you took of Amy Winehouse smoking crack, it's possible you were also smoking (or selling) crack and might go to jail. [Radar]

What does Harvey Weinstein have to say about yesterday's Golden Globe nominations? [Vulture]

Just in time for us to go all batshit on it, Facebook is now totally legit! Donald Graham, chairman and chief executive of the Washington Post Co, has agreed to join the board of directors. [Yahoo!]

Kanye West is looking for an internship. No, not an intern, an internship. [FadedYouth]

White House officials turned down Barack Obama's request to move into The Blair House—where incoming presidents usually stay before inauguration—early so that his daughters, Sasha and Malia could start school on time. We hear the Red Roof Inn is really nice, though. [NYT]

[Image]

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

This Week in Gayness: Gotta Love Them Bathhouses

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:37:00 GMT

For the ten millionth time in a row, research suggests being gay is not a choice.

Have you heard about the Day Without a Gay? No, it's not some Fred Phelps extraordinary rendition program, it's a pro-gay event on December 10th in which gay people will not participate in the economy.

Next Friday, possibly-gay Florida Governor Charlie Crist is getting married. So, in light of the recent statewide amendment banning same-sex marriage, pro-gay advocates are going to protest and possibly even invade the wedding itself.

We're surprised Michael Phelps went along with A Very Gay 60 Minutes, but he's always been, you know, a good sport. [Watch here]

Linda Harvey is a scary bitch:

"Males need to stop having homosexual sex," said Harvey. "That means, close homosexual hang-outs, especially all bathhouses. Patrol public parks and arrest men having sex in public toilets. Stop sponsoring large public events, like Folsom Street Fair, that allow public sex and nudity. Ignore the screams of the homosexual lobby when officials do the right thing, even for them. Think of the lives that would be saved and disability prevented." [G-A-Y]

If you're a church that financially supported Prop 8, you may be saying goodbye to your tax-exempt status. Yeah, like the government is going to fuck with the churches.

And don't forget Milk is out in theaters, getting excellent reviews.

This Week In Gayness: Rise Above The Hate

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

eHarmony, Let The Gays Begin!

Top 5 Lesbian Sex Scenes - the Sequel

Sloppy Seconds: The Naked Lesbian Bubble Bath

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:36:00 GMT

Barbara Walters hit on-- oh God, make it stop-- Michael Phelps.

McCain continues to close in on Obama in the popular vote... at least according to CNN and other journalists desperate for an angle. Meanwhile, Obama is way ahead in the Electoral College. (By the way, don't miss this newly-resurfaced story from the Chicago Tribune, published in 2006, about the chances of an Obama Presidential bid... and the glorious response, in its comments section.)

The Strollerderby shattered a myth about your boobs... letting us know that a new study

disproves the popular conception that nursing results in sagging breasts - a condition technically known as breast ptosis.
The real causes of sagging breasts, according to the researchers, are far less noble: increased age, higher BMI, number of pregnancies, bigger pre-pregnancy cup size, and smoking.

JuicyCampus.com, a controversial gossip site, may be getting banned at Georgetown.

There was a "naked lesbian bubble bath" on America's Next Top Model last night. Of course, ANTM does not air on HBO, so nothing to see here, move along.

After all that, Denise Richards isn't being put out to pasture.

And that nutjob who carved the "B" (backwards!) into her own face and said Obama did it is going to join R.P. McMurphy and The Chief.

While You Were Sleeping: More Pregnant Celebrities

Top 10 Celebrity Moms Who Could Be Hookers

Men's Health Should Worry More About Men's Sanity

Sloppy Seconds: Phillies Fan Gives Her Team A Big Boost

Sloppy Seconds: Was Lilo Just Joking About the Whole Coming Out Thing? Yeah, Sure.

Emily Farris — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 21:02:00 GMT

D.J. AM has been released from the hospital following the plane crash that left him and Travis Barker badly burned and four people dead. [Us]

Move over Katie Couric; Rachel Maddow is the new queen of news. [Queerty]

Is ABC's "Brothers & Sisters" getting another surprise sibling? [Yahoo!]

Apparently we're all supposed to go and listen to Britney Spears' new song now. [MTV]

US Olympic swim champ Michael Phelps says he's no sex symbol. We agree, but women around the world do not. [People]

OMG! Lilo was totally not saying she was a lesbian when she said that she and Sam Ronson had been together "a very long time." [MollyGood]

While You Were Sleeping: Don't Drink The Drinking Water, People

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 13:26:00 GMT

Poor Anne Hathaway, and we don't mean that in a mocking way: she had to hand over all the lovely jewels her ex gave her... because they were allegedly purchased with stolen funds. (We hate it when that happens.) Meanwhile, the suave gangster paramour of hers faces at least five years in prison and is still in jail, pending a million dollars' bond, and rumored to be working on a plea deal.

If you're a poll kind of person (we're kind of not), here are 19 new ones on the Presidential race. Quickly: McCain leads in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, and Wyoming; Obama leads in Colorado, Michigan, and Pennsylvania; and they're tied in Nevada, North Carolina, and Ohio.

And who will be the surprise special guest during Michael Phelps' hosting of SNL this weekend?

According to People, Sen. Barack Obama will appear on Saturday Night Live this weekend. Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps will be guest hosting the show.

Said an Obama spokesman: "The details of the sketch are still being worked out."

We hope it's funnier than the last one, which was super obvious and involved Halloween masks and his "surprise" appearance. Lame.

We're absolutely amazed that someone gave Mariah Carey another movie. Not that we don't like her or anything-- we're just stating the truth.

We still can't get over this story from yesterday's Sloppy Seconds (click here): Lauren Conrad has landed a book deal. Oh my God, what's next, a clothing line?!

And the scariest headline of the morning: Trace drugs found in water could affect 46 million

Headline that sounds scary but thankfully isn't: 9-Year-Old Girl Delivers Baby Brother

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Nightmare on Elm Street Remake

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

Hey Rev. Jeremiah Wright: Your Sex Scandal Is Not Helping

While You Were Sleeping: Which TV Female Character Do You Wanna Be?

Michael Phelps Celebrates Gold Medal Wins By Groping Strippers

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:44:00 GMT

Hey, he's a got a right to blow off some steam... and some other things...

Radar writer Neel Shah (yes, that's how he spells it) stumbled, perhaps drunkenly, on Michael Phelps' Vegas Vacation the other night and snapped some naughty photos of him...

Why are they naughty? Because, dude, you're not supposed to do this to strippers...

We're not sure what the rules are at The Playboy Club, where these photos were allegedly taken, but for the crime of sexually molesting a dancer, most people would've been taken into one of those infamous strip bar backrooms for a game of arm wrestling, in which customers always to Manny The Grip. Speaking of grips:

"It was unreal," says Neel. "Within moments of entering the club he summoned two girls over... I've never seen such an aggressive grip."

By the way, we're not saying he's a scumbag or anything, just pointing out that maybe we should look at this from the stripper's point of view. Rarely do they enjoy being touched, although in this case, they may have made a patriotic exception...

Via Radar.

Related:

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Scanner Highs And Lows: Michael Phelps Rules The Blog

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:55:00 GMT

We held onto the Olympics for dear life, we'll admit, but after this last look back at the week's highlights, it may be time to say adios...

...until next week, when more nude Olympians are sure to grace us with their leaked online photos... or maybe Republicans are caught with strippers...

HIGHS:

...since Democrats don't seem to enjoy them.

We have to hand it to John McCain for making it an historic election now, no matter who wins.

Enough about McCain, here's to a true hero: Michael Phelps, who is now spending his days giving kids swimming lessons, apparently.

Matthew McConaughey's mom is kind of a sexual hero, in a way. Really.

We're proud to have had a transgender Crush of the Week, although we're pretty sure she won't go out with us no matter how much we kiss her ass.

Eva Longoria Circa A Few Years Ago is kind of our runner-up Crush of the Week.

LOWS:

This post would've been called Last of the Nude Olympians... if they were actually Olympians.

Hopefully, Olympians won't have to stoop to making straight-to-DVD sex movies. Blurry sex tapes will do just fine, thanks.

If you were wondering why we enjoy photos of women athletes who have bodies like rocks (of Gibraltar), a reminder of a possible alternative.

So we've established Ms. Marsh is not among the sexy people... are you?

Seriously, we do wish Mulder luck in rehab, despite what you may think.

This guy is world's worst liar.

Something we can all argue about civilly: this show may or may not be terrible.

Speaking of lying, somebody lied to us when they said Toy Story was animated, damn it.

Next Up For Michael Phelps: Television Stardom

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:11:00 GMT

This post was written by guest blogger Sean Flanagan.

Michael Phelps, the soon-to-be super rich record-breaking Olympian, is trying to expand his global fame by becoming affiliated with MTV award ceremonies and Saturday Night Live...

Oh wait, he's an athlete and may not be able to act. When will Lorne Michaels, that silly Canadian, learn his lesson?

How many athletes – or politicians while we're at it - can you have on your show (let alone giving them the season priemere!) before you realize that they cannot carry a show?

Lorne's show is, let's face it, in the dumps. The 90s were glorious, the 00’s not so much. You went from a cast that every major featured player went on to be twenty-million-dollar-a-movie stars to a cast where the talented people have been brushed aside in favor of Andy Samberg and recurring characters that weren’t funny the first time around.

Michael Jordan
Nancy Kerrigan
Tom Brady
Peyton Manning
Jonny Moseley
Derek Jeter (though he was kinda good-- see above photo)

Let the Olympian be on a box of cereal, cut a few ribbons, do 20/20 soft focus lens takes with Babawawa and fade into the record books. Meanwhile, SNL needs to bounce back in a serious way this season and find a way to achieve relevance again after having long since lost Tina Fey to become TV's hottest geek on 30 Rock...

Related:

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Video of the Day: Tracy Morgan Responds to Tina Fey on SNL

Al Franken Is For Real This Time, Seriously

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

While You Were Sleeping: All The Harry Potter Kids Are Getting Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 13:42:00 GMT

Wonderful: right as Michael Lohan is tearing his daughter's life apart, his father dies. Maybe Michael will reassess his values now that the guy had to go out right in the middle of an embarrassingly public family dispute.

We missed out on Michael Phelps giving swimming lessons at the Y.

Is David Duchovny having an affair of just trying to promote his show, Californication, with this latest shocking report?

David Duchovny has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. [His reps] declined to elaborate further.
Duchovny plays a sex-obsessed character on the Showtime series...

In Other News:

John McCain will announce his VP today in a bad to take Obama down a notch after last night's historic speech.

Talk about historic: a man proposed to his lady at Mile High, right as Al Gore took the stage-- and Wonkette was sitting right behind them!

BREAKING: The RNC is considering delaying the start of the convention because of Hurricane Gustav... they don't want a reminder of Katrina hanging over their convention... Scott McClellan thinks this will allow Bush to blow off the convention unnoticed, since he is a political liability anyway... read more at the Washington Post.

By the way, this is the greatest post you'll read all day. Even if you don't agree with its politics, you'll certainly (we hope) agree that sicko religious zealots should be laughed out of stadiums everywhere:

Y'all remember the AP report of a "short video produced by Focus on the Family Action shows a man with an umbrella talking about his wish for rain as he stands in front of Invesco Field [before Obama spoke there]. The man in the video explains his desire for rain by saying he's against abortion and gay marriage and says he's "just an ordinary guy" who's looking for people to pray for rain?"

And y'all remember how hurricane Katrina was supposed to be God's punishment for New Orleans sinful ways?

So what will y'all think if next week's Republican Convention (yawn) is eclipsed by landfall in the US of not one but two hurricanes?

Y'all think there's a lesson in there somewhere? [End of post - Ed.]

A school district near Atlanta lost its accreditation, the first such case in 40 years, mainly for ethics violations by board members.

And Rupert Grint, who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potsmoker movies, is doing his first stripping/naked/sex scene-- or something like that. He's "stripping off for"

his first sex scene for Cherry Bomb and is excited about the flick.
'I loved the script,' he tells The Metro. 'It was quite a challenge.'

Getting naked is nothing, Rupert. Hell, Daniel Radcliffe does that every night. (PS: Hmmm... Cherry Bomb, you say? How can we be sure it's not some Virgin Teens Dot Com movie or something?)

Image via AOL.

Related:

Daniel Radcliff Is Not So Fond of Pants

Lily Allen and Kids From "Harry Potter" Form Youngest, Most Adorablest Love Triangle Ever!

Scully Wants Mulder To Die Masturbating in "X-Files 3"

Mick Jagger: "Performing is Like Sex"

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Who Would You Rather: Keeley Hazell or Sara Boberg?

Scanner Controversy: We Asked For It This Time...

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:44:00 GMT

It's been two weeks since we last revisited our most cringe-worthy posts and made our peace...

Perez Hilton the Richest Chubby Recluse in Hollywood

Readers hated (and loved) on Perez and his love handles. Either way, we're clearly jealous.

Maxi Mounds And Her Boobs Break Guiness Record

No question, gargantuan fake boobs are nothing to give awards for.

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

We gotta admit, Amanda Beard grows on us day by day... as does-- of course-- Michael Phelps.

If The Election Were Today... Round Two

This will always be controversial: asking people to look at a bunch of silly polls and make a guess who's going to win a Presidential election in three months.

Engagement Party Ends In Cheating, Beating, Arrest, No Makeup Sex

Just because he deserved a few smacks to the head doesn't mean we think she should be above the law for adminstering them.

What's It Like Being The Husband Of A Porn Star?

Surprisingly, few objected to living this guy's life...

Cosmo and AskMen in Steel Cage Match Battle of the Sexes

Equally surprising were the number of people who enjoyed these lists. Although, in retrospect, we did find them amusing.

Elizabeth Edwards: "I Stayed For The Kids"

Hey, we know everyone's innocent until proven guilty. Except when they secretly visit the hotel room of a mistress they probably haven't been seeing for a long time and are admittedly not sleeping with and claim that "some other cheating husband" made that baby that she brought with her to take pictures of you playing with. Yeah, okay, we'll be objective. (In the interest of full confession: I, Scanner Brian was an Edwards supporter from Dean's scream in 2004 until last week.)

Does Michael Phelps' New Girlfriend Wear Fins or Stilettos?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 19:02:00 GMT

Because there is no other human being on the planet right now, we will regale you with rumors about the field of woman Michael Phelps is currently plowing. It should go without saying Phelps must take this 8 Gold Medal situation and turn it into sex with everyone he's ever even remotely fanticized about. Honestly, why else would a person bother to swim that fast, if not to get massively laid afterward.

So! Without the recommended period of slutitization, Phelps has reportedly taken a lover. And who are the potential champions of Micheal Phelps' heart?

None other than naked, drippy PETA protester Amanda Beard and some random model named Lily Donaldson.

Whoooo.

Seriously dude, you need to understand! We don't really get your hang-jaw appeal, but we realize that you could have anyone, and that includes Jessica Biel..or Jessica Alba...even Johnny Depp, if you wanted him.

If we were you we'd take the Biel and run her off to love island before you're pecs soften and she forgets your name. Take her! Now!

And while we're at it, Scannerites, if you miraculously woke up as the Phelps tomorrow morning who would you give it to?

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Michael Phelps Dresses... Up?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 19:02:00 GMT

At least Michael Phelps doesn't exaggerate his athletic prowess.

It seems our very own swimming sensation is trying to steal some thunder from Germany's Olympians, Amanda Beard, and those twin hotties from Brazil with his very own decent exposure...

Of course, Phelps didn't pose for Playboy or any other publication. He certainly wasn't trying to perform a nude shoot for us, but that's basically what he did with the above swimwear "modeling." The below photo is just begging for a Caption This, so have at it...

Thanks to "profrobert" for the tip. We'll let him have the last word:

He wears it *up*? I know about "dressing left" and "dressing right," but "dressing up"? That looks so . . . uncomfortable.

Well, it could be a boner...

Photos via Mokers.org.

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