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While You Were Sleeping: Lara Flynn Boyle Still Getting Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 13:14:00 GMT

Phil Spector was finally convicted of second-degree murder. Bye bye, psycho.

Al Franken has been declared the winner of the Minnesota Senate race... again. And it's not over yet... although it's been over for months, of course.

A study shows that Facebook users have lower GPA's than non-Facebookers.

We're a bit out of this morning: did we tell you about the eight-year-old who couldn't get her marriage to a middle-aged man annulled in the great nation of Saudi Arabia? If not, you really need to read this.

Lara Flynn Boyle's still getting naked, but this time it's for a TV show.

The Neverland sale is going ahead as planned-- we hope they burn that whole sickening place to the ground on the way out.

After the Tweenbots thing yesterday, we were thinking New Yorkers were getting better at being aware and helpful. Not so much.

Want to get an iPhone but don't want to deal with AT&T's shitty plans?

Our Weekend Gift to You: Blood Alcohol Calculator

While You Were Sleeping: Foxy Brown Joins The Nipple Slip Parade

Twitter Goes to the Next Level: Flutter (Video)

While You Were Sleeping: Post-Sex Guilt

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:52:00 GMT

Larry Craig, age four.

Loony Michele Bachman of Loony Minnesota (just kidding, although see above) knows there are exactly 17 socialists in Congress. You know, back in the day, we ran Joe McCarthy out of town with smarter quips than that.

Does your male lover suffer from "post-sex guilt?"

The White House is under attack! By bees.

Ah, yes, another crazy white supremacist with a firearm. Wonders never cease.

Britney Spears had this advice for her audience, generally made up of young girls and their patient mothers: "Don't smoke weed. Rock out with your cocks out. Peace, motherfuckers!"

Controversial (and therefore great) filmmaker Kirby Dick follows up his anti-MPAA movie "This Film Is Not Rated" with a movie that attempts to expose closeted American political figures.

Farrah Fawcett is well enough to leave the hospital.

Just in time for Easter, the Nestle's Chocolate Milk thief has struck again in Congress.

And Sony wants to put its movies on YouTube for free. We'll believe it when we get to the end credits.

While You Were Sleeping: Britney's In Prison

While You Were Sleeping: Joining the Mile High Club

Britney Spears Suffers From A Vagina Slip

PETA Names the Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door...

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:26:00 GMT

Back in February, we advised you to vote for PETA's Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door 2009. There were loads of hot men and women in the running, many of them pictured in their underwear with bulges or major cleavage-- but thankfully, never both.

The ~~People Eating Tasty Animals~~ People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals have finally announced the winners and they're not who we expected...

As you may recall, we nominated the following gals: Alexia from New York City; Amy from Port Angeles, WA; Brooke from Ogden, UT; Giselle from Miami, FL; and Sunny from North Hollywood, CA.

Sadly, our advice was ignored and the winner is...

There's nothing wrong with Amber-- nothing wrong, that is, unless you're disappointed that PETA, supposedly secretly a feminist hive, prefers blondes. How original. (Okay, really, we were just rooting for Sunny to take the top prize...)

Amber, a [Minnetonka] Minnesota native, decided to go vegetarian after reading the book Skinny Bitch and doing research on making the switch, and she's thrilled with the results! In addition to feeling stronger both mentally and physically, she loves knowing that her carbon footprint is smaller, thanks to her vegetarian diet. Amber is the very proud guardian of several rescued animal companions, and she spends time volunteering for the Minnesota Boxer Rescue. She even lets her love for animals carry over into her work as a photographer. Check out the cute companion animal gallery on her Web site to see for yourself! Amber's major turn-ons are confidence, bad boys who have a heart for animals, tattoos, and creativity.

By the way, the winner for the Sexiest Male Vegetarian Next Door is... Monty.

Monty, 33, [of Los Angeles, CA] initially switched to a vegetarian diet for health reasons, but after he learned how factory farming affects animals and the environment, his convictions were reinforced, and he recently went vegan! Monty owns a visual-arts firm, and his photos capture the essence of a wide variety of timely issues, including President Barack Obama's presidential campaign. Monty shares his home with Zeus, a Chihuahua he took in after he found him wandering on Hollywood Boulevard. Monty considers analytical minds and compassionate hearts to be turn-ons and is turned off by people who aren't open-minded. He loves to travel and will soon retrace the steps of the man who discovered the North Pole.

Both win separate trips for two to Hawaii. One has to wonder what all the Hawaiians in the running were in it for...

Via PETA.

Related:

PETA Wants to Covet Your Neighbor's Sexy Wife

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Knew About The Promiscuous Sex

FYI, Leslie Out-Nakeds the Naked Cowboy

Cloris Leachman Wears Only Cabbage for Her PETA Ad

PETA Celebrates Mother's Day With Caged Pregnant Ladies

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Dies in A Freak Car Accident

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:08:00 GMT

This whole "writing about fingerbanging classes" trend is really getting annoying.

Who is Melissa Rycroft and why is Hugh Hefner offering her half a million dollars to pose for Playboy?

Hummer vs. school bus. Guess who wins?

A couple of things: how did the cameraperson know to film at that moment? Does the second animal live there? (It sure seems friendly if it doesn't.) And why is the second clip for 8:17 and the first from 8:18. Other than those obvious question marks, we love this video.

Minnesota cops now have their very own Oscar Grant case.

Rihanna is apparently cooperating with prosecutors after all. And she's supposed to be on Oprah with Chris Brown at some point soon.

And this Fox News story comes from a Sun story that turns out to have been completely made up. Fox reports a prank as a true story-- it's a case of a fake "news" company reporting fake news!

If you like that, you'll just flip for the gBall. Pretty crazy, eh?

It's still early, so here's one of the few practical jokes we've seen for... April Fool's!

And if you really think Miley Cyrus died in a freak car accident last night, you obviously weren't around for last year's April Fool's Day either.

Bill O'Reilly's Dirty Talk Express

While You Were Sleeping: Jen and John Redux

Zac Efron's Mom Is Cooler Than We Are

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Purity Boot Camp

Colleen Kane — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:43:00 GMT

Yep, it's Purity Booty Camp. We're not talking about the "you must stay a virgin until married aka procreation time" brand of purity; this purity camp attempts to correct to another way homo sapiens are bad for being sexual: porn addiction.

A Minnesota ministry called "Every Man's Battle for Sexual Purity" is an event now drawing 300 "soldiers," where parishoners dress in camoflauge and dog tags, to emphasize discipline in a free-for-all age. Church organziers say based on surveying the men 16 weeks after they swear off pornography, the program is 92 percent effective, and they report an increase in marital satisfaction.

The program uses scripture and real-life testimonials from men who have struggled with sex addiction, including Pastor Dr. Irv Woolf, director of the National Coalition for Purity.

At the end of the event, after confessing his sins, each man has to plant a "white flag of surrender" at the foot of the cross on purity hill.

Wheee! Who wants to sign up?

Related:

The Real Reason the Jonas Brothers Wear Those Purity Rings

The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

This Week in Gayness: Don't Ask... Just Don't Ask

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Good As You alerted us to Focus on the Family's hilariously awful anti-gay conference in Charlotte. They also put a human face on Jeff Johnston, an "ex-gay" who is obviously not human because it's not possible for anyone to change their sexual orientation.

This guy would be Keith Olbermann's worst person in the world if anyone knew who he was: a gay Minnesota Republican who is against gay rights. Paul Koering will vote against "the Marriage and Family Protection Act, a bill that would make Minnesota's marriage laws gender-neutral, allowing same-sex couples many of the rights currently denied by Minnesota statute."

The roles have been cast and the parents approved of the script. And then a high school principal decided to cancel a student production of Rent due to prostitution and homosexual" content. (There are gay characters, but no prostitution.)

To one Utah Republican, the greatest threat to America is: conspiratorial Chinese economists [no], Osama Bin Laden [no], the gays. 12% of ABC.com readers agree.

A young gay Army vet was killed by another young gay man who appears to have been upset at his own sexuality.

First of all, a guy has to go from being a gay porn star to working at Subway. Worse, he has to endure getting fired from his job at Subway when his previous career choice is discovered. Queers United takes up his case.

While most of the country is still stuck in this ridiculous debate about gay marriage, Massachusetts is trying to implement transgender equality.

And, at last, a straight veteran speaks out in favor of abolishing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and letting gays serve openly.

Homophobic Phelps Clan to Picket/Pick-On High School Students

Enterprising Teenager Amasses Collection of Solicited Nude Photos

This Week in Gayness: The Homophobic Celebrity Ad You Missed

Billionaires For Bush Say Goodbye... For Now...

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 14:45:00 GMT

Unless Jeb Bush runs for Senate in Florida, wins, and mounts a stunning Bush Family-styled comeback for the White House in 2012, it's fairly likely that the Billionaires For Bush will be no more. We counter-protested a 10,000-person strong peace movement rally and march on the RNC last year under the name "Lobbyists For McCain," with slogans like "Loyal to Big Oil," "Proud Bush-McCain Republican," and, of course, "Four More Years."

Well, it ~~worked~~ failed. The unwashed masses voted for Obama, even though our revered corporations and special interests didn't endorse him. And so we begin a new era-- one without Hummers, without tax cuts directed toward the top 1%-- even without gigantic corporate fountains urinating pure Stolichnaya vodka.

With this in mind, the New York Times interviewed the Lobbyists For McCain, i.e. Billionaires For Bush, in Tuesday's paper...

They were getting along just fine, these Billionaires were, when a terrible thing happened.
George W. Bush left office.
It’s hard to be a Billionaire for Bush when there is no Bush. The group might have recast itself as Billionaires for Obama. But that would have required “irony we can believe in,” said Andrew Boyd, who sometimes goes by his Billionaire name, Phil T. Rich.

“Here’s the conundrum,” Mr. Boyd said. “Can you point out that the emperor has no clothes when you like the emperor — and his clothes?”

Not really, although the Daily Show has had plenty of ammunition lately without specifically attacking President Changey Pants.

“I think we were serious about having our brand lose its brand identity,” said Elissa Jiji or, if you prefer, Meg A. Bucks. Mr. Bartlett observed that “it’s not the time for ostentatious wealth.” Even though there are still plenty of potential targets — Bernard L. Madoff and bonus-hungry Wall Street executives, for example — there seems little point going after them when others are, too.

“They’re no longer held in such esteem that they need to be knocked down,” Mr. Boyd said.

For now, the Billionaires have chosen to put away their gowns, toss aside their top hats and leave their badminton rackets in the closet. Soon after the Obama inauguration, a few dozen of them met at a Greenwich Village bar for what Ms. Jiji described as “a last huzzah.” She had “thought we’d be sad,” she said, “but it was very festive.” Mr. Boyd called it a “farewell to arms contracts.”

But bear in mind that “Billionaires never die,” he said. “We just refinance.”

Have no fear about the end of satire in America, though: Plutocrats For Palin does have a certain ring to it for 2012...

Tax Day with an actual pimp, April 2005.

Jolly Robber Barons: the Billionaire Yacht Club during the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, circa June 2005...

Via the New York Times.

Video of Darin Barry, Andrew Boyd (background), and the author from Minnesota Independent Media.

Related:

FBI Agents Out To Get Democrats

Video of the Day: No You Can't

George W. Bush May Get in Bed With Sleaze, but at Least It's Got a Pretty Face

While You Were Sleeping: Another American Cheater Unveiled

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bill Gates wants rich people to feel the pain, so he unleashed mosquitoes on them. Really.

"The Impaler," a self-described "Vampyre" who ran for Governor of Minnesota in '06 as the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans party (wha?) candidate, has been arrested for harassing his 16-year-old "vampyre hunter" ex-girlfriend.

Female bloggers in Sweden are fending off a company that's trying to bribe them with "beauty treatments." We'll take some!

Fuck Ticketmaster. Nobody can get Springsteen tickets, and now they want to form a monopoly?

Apparently, New York magazine has great success with linking its readers with its own hooker ads.

There's a new President, the world is constantly moving forward, but as usual, Georgia wants to crawl back into America's Puritan womb.

Kids are hanging themselves in school.

Michael Phelps may end up getting charged with drug possession or some other bong-incident-related offense.

And we always knew Barry Bonds was a cheater, but now we can prove it.

Related:

Tommy Lee's Drunk Pilot Is A Boob

Kanye Porn Update

While You Were Sleeping: Zooey Deschanel's Next Record

While You Were Sleeping: The NY Senate Seat Saga Ends?

Today is the Day the Music Died

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:49:00 GMT

On February 3, 1959, a small chartered airplane carrying rock 'n roll singers and virtual superstars Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper (alias of J.P. Richardson) crashed in an Iowa field, killing them instantly.

While everyone knows this story, recounted in the famous tribute "American Pie," a #1 single by Don McLean, the so-called "Day the Music Died" is most interesting for all the many strange and unusual turn of events that led Holly, Valens, and Richardson to fly that plane...

Here are the more memorable coincidences, fateful decisions, and other story elements we've retained from numerous news stories over the years:

1) There was never supposed to be a plane. Even back then, rock stars had a large touring bus in which to commute to their endless gigs. Unfortunately, they were doing a Midwestern tour in the winter and their ride's heating system had collapsed.

2) They were supposed to have the next day off. Greedy promoters spotted an open date on the tour itinterary and called a ballroom owner in Moorhead, Minnesota, eventually the plane's intended destination, and secured a booking.

3) Richie Valens wasn't supposed to be on the plane at all. He flipped for a seat with the touring guitar player and won his spot.

4) The Big Bopper didn't have a seat on the plane either. (In fact, the singer Dion would've been the fourth famous singer killed that day if he hadn't of balked at the $36 airfare.) In perhaps one of the most important moments in both rock and roll and modern country music, Waylon Jennings had the final spot on the plane, but gave it up to the whining Richardson. When Buddy Holly spotted Waylon leaving the aircraft with his belongings, he jokingly snapped, "Well, I hope you're ol' bus freezes up." Jennings laugh and shot back, "Yeah, well, I hope your ol' airplane crahses." No wonder the man drank himself to oblivion in his later years...

5) The pilot wasn't an experienced nighttime flyer and was misinformed about weather conditions. It is said that poor visibility and a lack of sufficient operating instruments were likely leading contributors in the crash, which killed the pilot on impact.

Looking for something uplifting after all this? Thanks to the magic of technology, the great work these gentlemen did before their untimely deaths is preserved for all time... here's Buddy Holly, for starters:

Related:

Top 10 Cover Songs of All-Time

The Saddest And Most Hopeful Story in Rock & Roll

The Beatles Get Back to Where They Once Belonged

Sloppy Seconds: Ellen Degeneres is on the Prowl

Emily Farris — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 23:15:00 GMT

Ellen Degeneres is set on finding Anne Hathaway a new boyfriend. Um, can she find us one while she's at it? [People]

Oh! R. Kelly was married? Could have fooled us. [Us]

What did Martha Stewart say when she walked in on some lesbians having sex in prison? [DailyIntel]

We love this new PlanB commercial. Conservatives? Not so much. [AdAge]

Aaaaaaand the guy who lost the Minnesota state Senate seat is suing him. [Radar]

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While You Were Sleeping: Tara Reid Back To The Booze

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Guess who's to blame for the continued conflicted in Gaza? The United States, that's who-- they blocked a UN resolution calling for an end to the fighting. (Not that it would've done a damn thing to stop the assault.)

Have you been buying Pepsi from the Atlanta plant? (First of all-- why are you buying Pepsi?) It turns out they are using illegal Mexican Pepsi.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in ~~Drugachusetts~~ Massachusetts (for the most part) and cops are refusing to hand out tickets because the law is "poorly" written. Now, we've got it-- just start passing laws that sound like they're restricting drugs, but make them so ridiculous, no one can prosecute. This is how we'll sneak past those right-wing nuts who think the War on Drugs is working.

What kind of moron calls 911 to complain that she's driving drunk? A moron who, unlike most, at least knows that she needs help.

Click here to see men with wings fly around mountains. No stinkin' jetpacks for these dudes.

Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks. Think she's cured?

We're not really sure what's up with this case involving a 16-year-old girl accusing a guy of taking nude photos of her in the shower, and the guy's girlfriend, who claims she took the pictures and framed him for the crime.

Gosh darn it, Al Franken is officially the winner of the Minnesota Senate race. Until, of course, the Republicans sue the pants off the guy.

This invention will conserve water by recycling handwash as toilet water. It's better than you think.

And, as you probably know already, John Travolta's sixteen-year-old son died of a head injury incurred while suffering a seizure. Gawker, in a careful, roundabout way, considers Scientology at least partly to blame, saying Travola and wife Kelly Preston "privileged their adherence to Scientology over their devotion to their son."

Sloppy Seconds: Kate Winslet's Secret

Three Men Jump 12-Year-Old Girl, Beat Her Up, Call Her A Hooker... Then Arrest Her

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Scanner Highs and Lows: An Orgy of Holiday Weirdness

This Blog Has Been Rated NC-17

Are Too Few Baby Boys Being Circumcised?

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 21:29:00 GMT

According to new research, the number of baby boys being circumcised in the U.S. is dropping. While critics of circumcision may think this is a good thing, the reason behind the drop may not be.

Circumcision rates have decreased significantly since the 1980s, partially due to the fact that many people find the procedure cruel and unnecessary, but in part the drop can be attributed to the fact that 16 states do not currently cover the cost of a circumcision in their Medicad programs. According to some, this is taking the choice away from the poor.

Robert C. Bailey, a professor of epidemiology at the University of Illinois at Chicago, thinks that "It's another way in which our health system is increasing inequality across the population. People who can't afford good health care are essentially being discriminated against by this policy."

The states that don't cover circumcision are: Arizona, California, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Maine, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota, Oregon, Utah and Washington and circumcision rates are "significantly lower" in those states, according to the research.

[US News & World Report: Circumcision Rates Too Low]

Related:

Reversing That Circumcision Even Scarier Than You Thought

You're Circumcised? Well, That Explains It...

Baby Born With Extra Penis, Parents Have it Removed Why?

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Sloppy Seconds: Billie Jean Was Indeed My Lover?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 22:23:00 GMT

Frank Stallone-- guess who he's related to-- got a reality show based on his relation to a famous person.

Woman wins a million bucks, throws it away. End of story, right? A thoughtful clerk decides not to be greedy and gave her the ticket after discovering the oversight.

Caylee Anthony's body was found four months ago, but the police ignored the guy who kept calling to report its discovery. Too bad there isn't a caring parent around to shame these people into early retirement.

FYI: Al Franken now leads by dozen of votes, perhaps up to 250, in the endless Minnesota recount, with thousands of absentee ballots still to come.

The porn industry has been hit (hard) by the recession. [NSFW link!]

Billie Jean is Michael Jackson's lover? We think this woman is completely bonkers, though amusing as hell.

Someone please explain this Facebook creep to us.

A man fined $50 by the IRS and threatened to prosecute him for a felony after he sent them the $1.50 in sales tax he owed on a store purchase.

Teachers aren't even allowed to drink on their own time anymore.

And Kim Kardashian-- another "star" who needs to go away, has a 2009 calendar.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Sloppy Seconds: Stripper Feels the Crunch

How Do You Like Your Hair Down There?

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

While You Were Sleeping: The Giant Penis Show

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 14:39:00 GMT

Deep Throat died. No, not Linda Lovelace, silly.

Senator Norm Coleman is now down to a six vote lead over Al Franken, with more troublesome decisions likely to go his opponent's way.

This is a family that truly deserves coal in their stockings: a 21-year-old woman and her father have sued the victim of the car crash that killed her boyfriend, which she caused while driving drunk. The woman served only four months in prison and is lucky to be alive-- but that's not enough for her. Now, she's suing everyone in sight to somehow come out ahead in all this. Disgraceful, despicable, and (we wish) deport-able.

Check out this eye-catching ad for How I Met Your Mother, which is in the form of photographic reenactments of 2008's most memorable moments.

U2's next album will be out on March 3rd.

How'd you like to grow up in this (nut)house? An Arkansas family just welcomed their 18th child.

The Scarlett Johansson snot rag is selling for over 2 million dollars... if you believe anyone is actually going to pay for this auction.

And HBO greenlit a show starring Thomas Jane that revolves around a man and his massive dong. We're dead serious.

While You Were Sleeping: Khloe Kardashian Looks Weird Naked

Sloppy Seconds: the 69-Year-old Pinup Dude

While You Were Sleeping: Female Charles Manson on the Loose

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 14:58:00 GMT

Here's the strangest story you'll read all day: a man faces five years in an Arizona jail for being an illegal immigrant, which was proved in part by his handwriting sample.

Britney's son is out of the hospital.

If these two end up on Hannah Montana, we might actually try to find out what channel that show's on...

Barack Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, have been invited to appear on Disney's "Hannah Montana" show, Billy Ray Cyrus told "Access Hollywood." [MTV News]

Ever wanted to check out Einstein's FBI file? All 1,400+ pages of it?

Republicans in Minnesota are willing to eat their own Secretary of State if he doesn't get on the Stop The Voting bandwagon.

The female Charles Manson is a manipulative socio/psychopath and she's on the loose.

Caption this photo of Barack Obama and President Bush.

And here's something you'll enjoy: the 20 Wildest Reactions to Obama's Victory.

Related:

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Sexy Librarians Win Wisconsin Dance-Off

Life with the Obamas... in the White House

Get Your Muslim On

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

While You Were Sleeping: The Lapdancers And The Prime Minister

Man Charged After Drunken Sex Leaves Woman Dead

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:41:00 GMT

A man is charged with murder in St. Paul, Minnesota after a one-night stand gone wrong. Barely even news these days, right?

Of course, if you're seeing it here, it is. The man, Michael Carrasco Sontoya, faces 40 years in prison for having what many believe was consensual, drunken sex that involved fisting and anal sex. The victim, 31-year-old Gabriel Patricia Romo, was found in her home the next morning, having bled to death. But she had no stab or gunshot wounds, signs of struggle, or any other indications of murder. So what the hell happened here?

According to the local Fox affiliate, Sontoya told police he may have torn the woman's vaginal walls while having intercourse, but police find it suspicious there was no blood on Sontoya's thighs. Also, there were strange signs of blood having been cleaned up, plus blood on some shoelaces found in Romo's closet. Sontoya explained the situation: the couple had had 90 minutes of vaginal and anal sex, which included Sontoya sticking his fist inside of Romo, then got up and noticed Romo was bleeding.

He said he cleaned himself off in the bathroom while Romo cleaned up her vomit on the floor.
Sontoya then said the two went to sleep before we woke up, realized the situation, called his brother and called 911. Sontoya’s brother is a Ramsey County deputy, who advised him to call police.

What do you think? Did Sontoya fall asleep, thinking the bleeding was minor, and woke up to find Romo dead and that's it? Or did he let Romo die (or even willed it somehow) and cleaned up after himself? Or something in between? Whatever the case may be, we hate to have to be the jury on Sontoya's murder trial... this ain't gonna be easy...

Woman Busted For Videotaping Her Underage Sex Crime

Sloppy Seconds: Kanye West's Arrest

San Francisco Street Fair Would Make The Marquis de Sade Proud

Man Buys Camera On Ebay, Finds Treasure Trove Of MI6 Secret Documents

Man Claims He Was Robbed By Gang Of Topless Women

Hero of the Day: Dad Who Killed A Sex Offender Turned Home Invader

While You Were Sleeping: Is The CW Finished?

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 13:23:00 GMT

A DNC member and prominent backer of Hillary Clinton will endorse John McCain today.

Here's why some men think "yes" when they hear "no." Not that we're siding with the men on this one...

Eva Mendes claims to have had sex in just about all of the 50 States. How did this mindblowing feat come to pass without our knowledge (and involvement)?

The Hitch star admits she took a raunchy road trip across the country when she was younger and managed to have a sexual encounter in nearly every one of the different states.
She says, "I've had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger."
And Mendes admits that her best experiences took place in Arizona and Colorado, adding: "Maybe it was the clean air."

Vote for Miss St. Pauli Girl-- it's the only vote you'll have this year that might actually count.

Paris Hilton is denying the naysayers their day: contrary to popular opinion, the socialite has been seen hanging out with the winner of her upcoming reality show, My New BFF. Of course, she could be totally making it all up.

A woman tried to poison her roommate, a la Wedding Crashers, with eye drops in his drink, nearly murdering him. Her punishment? She had to pay his hospital bills.

Even with Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill, the CW is probably doomed.

22-Year-Old Woman Auctions Off Virginity On Howard Stern

The Josh Hartnett Sex Tape: At Least It Won't Be In Night Vision

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

"Paris Hilton's Vagina Bites Penguin" And Other Classic Celebrity Spam Headlines

Sloppy Seconds: Eva Longoria's Lingerie Past

Cultural Clusterf*ck: Gossip Girl Meets 30 Rock

RNC Delegate, Robbed By Hooker, Speaks Out In Favor Of More War

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 20:29:00 GMT

Have you guys heard about this smarmy, sniveling Republican toolbox who got robbed of "$120,000 worth" of crappy personal effects during the Republican National Convention? Yeah, he deserved it...

Check out this video that's been floating around, thanks to LinkTV, of Colorado schyster Gabriel Nathan Schwartz discussing the foreign policy he'd love to see John McCain enact:

For the sake of sanity, we're hoping he's being satirical. Something, anything.

Anyway, if you haven't heard about this guy's story, here's the rundown: Schwartz, an RNC delegate, met a woman at a bar during the convention in Minneapolis and took her back to his hotel. Red flag #1: she made the drinks. Red flag #2: she told him to get undressed. In case you don't know, these are clear indications she was attempting to subdue, rather than seduce, the dashing young buck.

He's not sure what happened next, since the prostitute (see Red flag #2: she "ordered" him to get dressed, according to his report to the police... sounds like pro talk to us) had slipped some sort of pill in his drink. When he awoke, he was out of the following:

$30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000

Um, yeah. He had a thousand dollar belt and he's worried about his taxes under Barack Obama?! Dude, you better worry about your shopping insanity, first...

Via Minnesota Independent.

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

"We Support George McCain For President"

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Armed Robber In Wheelchair Going To Have A Blast Tonight

While You Were Sleeping: The Playboy Selection Process

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 13:07:00 GMT

When in Atlantic City, it's probably best not to approach total strangers about marijuana purchases:

Police said the drug deal went sour when the man took them to a desolate road in Egg Harbor Township near the Atlantic City International Airport, pulled and gun and forced them to strip before dumping their purses and robbing them.

Every time Obama speaks, an angel... has an orgasm?

How does Hugh Hefner choose his Playboy bunnies?

“We don’t go for glamour — what we are looking for is a very natural girl-next-door look,” he told Pop Tarts. “I think that’s what set things at the very beginning — what set the Playmate centerfolds apart.”
“Scarlett Johansson and Angelina Jolie,” he said [are the hottest women in the world.]

Damien Hirst sold a painting of a pickled shark for almost ten million pounds. We're not sure what a pickled shark is, but it sounds mighty tasty!

Comedian Al Franken is tied with incumbent Senator Norm Coleman in Minnesota's hottest (not in the "sexy") race.

Speaking of SNL, Amy Poehler is not returning to the show after her planned maternity leave.

And what do we think of Katherine McPhee's outfit? Hot or... dreadful?

Photo via Egotastic.

Related:

The War On Sex Rages On...

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record...

While You Were Sleeping: Jessica Alba's Bondage Ad

Sloppy Seconds: Woman Who Delivered Baby In Car For VP?

While You Were Sleeping: Leighton Meester's Jail Story

Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Rachelle Leah Is Playboy's November Cover Girl

Which City Has The Most Beautiful People, According To This Very Scientific Survey?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 17:05:00 GMT

It's not LA... it's not New York... and it's certainly not Philadelphia, which always comes in 25th in these surveys...

Which American city has the most of what Americans consider "beautiful people?"

According to an online poll by Travel + Leisure, it's

If you live in Miami, consider yourself among the most attractive people in the United States.
The Sunshine State's metropolis has the most beautiful people, according to an online survey of "America's Favorite Cities" by Travel + Leisure magazine, while Philadelphia came in last at No. 25.

"I'm not surprised at all, but I'm not in that group" joked Bill Talbert, president of the Greater Miami Convention and Visitors Bureau, about the city's attractive people rating. [Yahoo!]

We think Bill's being unnecessarily hard on himself. After all, from what we remember of Miami, it was lots of laughable thug types and bimbos who looked like they'd recently been ejected from a Black Eyed Peas audition, plus way, way too many fake tans and bodies overexposed to the sun. But hey, maybe that's your thing... we'll stick to the runners up cities...

1 4.45 Miami

2 4.42 San Diego

3 4.38 Austin

4 4.28 Charleston

5
4.26 Honolulu

6 4.20 Los Angeles

7 4.20 San Francisco

8 4.16 Minneapolis/St. Paul

9 4.15 New York

10 4.14 Denver

What do you think? And by the way, we were only busting your chops, Miami... judging by the above photo, the gene pool is improving...

Via Travel & Leisure.

Related:

Sloppy Seconds: Impeachments Imminent

What Would You Do With a Stolen Bus?

Are You One Of The Sexy People?

Ask Scanner: Sexy Statistics

Downtown Miami Is Full of Foam Because...

"We Support George McCain For President"

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 16:32:00 GMT

For our last post about the RNC (thank The Lord Jesus That Watches Over Conservatives for that!), we wanted to show you a video that we think summarizes the feelings on the floor of the entire convention. Those feelings, conveniently, can be melted down to one line: some Republicans are staunch in their support of Bush and McCain, while others just wanted America to forget about Junior...

This video is one in which I, Scanner Brian, must, in the interest of full disclosure, admit I was participant (I got Dennis Hastert to say how much he loved Bush and McCain and to take a sticker-- he was by far the nicest GOP power player we met in the Twin Cities.)

We recommend watching it on YouTube in high quality, but it's not important. Anyway, don't miss the ending, in which Senator Norm Coleman is asked what his feelings are on the Bush legacy:

Q: I just want to know how you feel about the last eight years of George Bush.
A: Well, uh... bleheelyelylelyelyylellelelalalelela... [not an exact transcription]

Also, although it's not in this video, the woman who puts the sticker on her forehead was ultimately completely unable to say why she supported Bush (or McCain) and, in fact, called her husband on camera to ask him for her talking points. ("He says we don't believe in wealth redistribution." Genius.)

Via YouTube.

Trojan Girls Try To Get Republicans To Wear, Learn Uses Of Condoms

Politics Is Makin' Everybody S' Crazy!

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Sloppy Seconds: Levi Johnston's New Tattoo

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

RNC Day Three: Sarah Palin Makes Dick Cheney Look Like Al Gore

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:52:00 GMT

Last night, we were sitting in the press section at the Excel Center in Minneapolis, wondering if the woman sleeping next to us had been flopped out in that chair since the night before. A woman with a large cup of coffee greeted us while jerking her head up and down. On stage, a droning religious figure mumbled through some sort of sermon. The general vibe on the floor was, "How soon will this be over?"

That all changed when Sarah Palin took the stage. All of a sudden, the arena was jam-packed: the concession area cleared out, the press stopped answering their cell phones, and the crowd was on its feet more often than not. To say Palin was well-received was like saying Hillary Clinton would've been only lightly toasted at the stake. Okay, that sounds harsh, but it was clear that there's a new #1 female American political figure on the scene and that, no matter what happens in this election, Sarah Palin will not soon be forgotten.

With her relentless attack on Barack Obama, Palin proved she has the anger and determination necessary to offset attacks on her ethics, family problems, inexperience, and radically conservative positions. The mood at the RNC went from fear that this was the beginning of the end to "how will Barack-Biden top this?!"

We ran into Ron Paul outside. He said he doesn't know which candidate he'll back... but definitely not McCain.

Palin's triumph was not so much one of oratory or intelligence or originality, but rather of carefully-calculated political maneuverings masquerading as a speech. Kudos to Palin for her many devastating one-lingers. Kudos to her for realizing the soccer mom angle is going to play very well, and playing it up to the max.

McCain could clearly be seen to be glowing with vindication as he took the stage. (He had to come out a night early-- after all, Obama did the surprise appearance thing last week and McCain has never been one to allow a preemptive one-upping.) His advisers were downplaying our expectations for the speech tonight, although that's utter nonsense: John McCain can real knock a public appearance out of the park if he has a script.

And, after hearing Palin's fiery words, we're pretty sure McCain's is going to be packing a wallop...

All photos by the author.

Related:

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Palin's Grandbaby Daddy: Self-Proclaimed F*cking Redneck

We're Glad Levi Johnston Took This Opportunity To Start a College Fund for Baby

Our Crazy RNC Photo Essay

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 19:35:00 GMT

The media would love to tell you all about what's going on onstage (boring) or what Sarah Palin fake photos were put up online today (been there, failed that), but we have something better: photos from our day embedded with the locals, the cops, and the crazy Christian pornographers roaming the streets...

The above young lady was dressed as McCain riding a big blue elephant (an elephant sponsored by the oil companies, of course)... here are some other photos from Flickr and other sources that we loved:

Meanwhile, just to throw in some insider gossip: sources inside the convention are telling us that although, at least publicly, Sarah Palin is still defended to the death by the Republican Party, the campaign is considering asking her to withdraw sometime next week. As far as the election and the ballot goes, an RNC point person told us privately that since "we make the rules, we can change them to accommodate a switched running mate."

The change would be announced as due to "family obligations," of course, but the Republicans would release talking points saying sexist and mean-spirited liberals, especially in the blogosphere, would be blamed...

Via Flickr.

Related:

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

RNC Day Two: Eloquence No Substitution For A Record... Of Temper Tantrums

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:22:00 GMT

Scanner Brian is in Minneapolis this week for the Republican National Convention...

Day Two at the RNC was, for the most part, a much more subdued affair, even more so than the shortened Monday night. The reason you aren't hearing about as much violence or as many protest marches is, according to one activist lawyer, because the city is stalling the court procedures against those already in jail.

"They only went through two cases, both misdemeanors, in the several hours I was [at the courthouse.] Bail was... $750. They're going to drag this thing out..." In other words, the city is going to quell the violence by keeping the violent protesters-- and anyone else picked up in march-related sweeps, such as a woman who had been pushing a stroller-- out of the public eye.

Meanwhile, Republicans increasingly found themselves on the defensive as Joe Lieberman rescued what was becoming a rapidly disappointing convention...

First, George Bush spoke via video link. A rumor going around the convention had said he would actually make a surprise in-person appearance, but that was never the plan-- as one McCain campaign worker told us, "we wanted to keep the President as far from McCain as possible." It didn't work-- most of the news in the paper today is about Bush's speech and how supportive the two are of each other, even after the bitter 2000 primary campaign.

Bush's speech, as expected, continued his longstanding practice of using 9/11 as a political weapon:

"We live in a dangerous world," Mr Bush told delegates in Minnesota.

"And we need a President who understands the lessons of September 11, 2001: that to protect America, we must stay on the offence (sic), stop attacks before they happen, and not wait to be hit again.

"The man we need is John McCain."

Of course, Bush's certainty about McCain's "readiness" for office, as he calls it, completely contradicts his campaign's position eight years ago, during which the current President attack the Arizona Senator for being too much of a loose cannon for the highest office in the land. (A former POW agrees... watch the video here.)

Lieberman's speech, meanwhile, was well received by both delegates and a media looking for a story other than a negative one about Sarah Palin:

He called Obama "a gifted and eloquent young man" with a promising future. "But eloquence is no substitute for a record - not in these tough times," Lieberman said. He pitched a special appeal for McCain votes to independents and Democrats, saying his is "the real ticket for change this year."

"I'm here, as a Democrat myself, to tell you: Don't be fooled," Lieberman said.

While Lieberman has angered Democratic leaders, they haven't been able to do anything about it.

Lieberman, who describes himself as an Independent Democrat, endorsed McCain for president on Dec. 17, 2007, when his friend was struggling for a comeback in the campaign for the Republican nomination. McCain called it "a courageous act."

At the time, Lieberman was asked whether he was concerned about Democratic punishment for his defection to the GOP candidate. "I'm the 51st vote," he said, smiling. [Seattle Times]

We saw the poor guy take a coffin out of the back of this vehicle and carry it in two different marches. We were very disturbed by this-- not necessarily in the wrong way, though.

Meanwhile, at nearby Mears Park, the Poor People's Economic Human Rights Campaign rallied peacefully (and even quietly), serving up free vegan lunch buffets, hosting live radio interviews with homeless residents of Minneapolis, and generally trying to take it easy after the unrest that was Monday.

While we were standing at the edge of the park, getting ready to head to the convention, and just before the PPEHRC march was to begin, we were suddenly surrounded by riot cops (i.e. "stormtroopers), all of whom were wielding batons and racing around us at top speed. A young man of perhaps 18 to 2 years was opening his backpack when the cops swooped in; as he looked up, a trooper lunged forward and shoved him hard. The man's head appeared to hit a large rock along the bank of the brook as he went down, hard. Before we could rush to his aid, we were almost instantly surrounded by hundreds of protesters, all of whom began chanting: "The whole world is watching!" Cameras came out and everyone tried to get a good look at the injured kid. It was too late-- there were far too many people...

We'll leave you on a positive note... Rage Against the Machine was not permitted to play their surprise concert during Monday's rally... so they took matters into their own hands...

[We can't yet embed the YouTube video because their site is down, but here's the link. Keep trying, they'll be online soon.]

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

Real or Fake: Nude Sarah Palin Photo?

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 15:21:00 GMT

We'll be embedded most of this week with the Lobbyists For McCain, who claim to be the real power behind ~~George Bush's~~ John McCain's campaign. Of course, it's a satirical group of people that don't support McCain and think lobbyists-- and money-- have too much influence in our government. They are technically nonpartisan.

While thousands of protesters either stabbed cops, broke windows, or more likely walked peacefully, the L4M mainly stood off to the sidelines and kept everybody laughing and generally calming the atmosphere made all the more tense by the presence of Darth Vader dudes with batons...

At first, almost everyone got the point-- it's clearly a joke (see above sign)... then, the Democrats-- the scary, scary ones who have megaphones and think if you scream chants, interesting or not, you will somehow change minds-- got wind of what the Lobbyists For McCain were up to. At that point, the anti-RNC march we were "counterprotesting" had made a loop in front of the Convention Center and headed back toward the Capitol area. At this point, as far as we know, few arrests had been made. (We just heard, at 1:17am Minnesota time Tuesday, that more than 200 arrests have been made, mainly cases of anarchists breaking things and allegedly attacking cops.)

Among the highlights:

-getting screamed at by smelly-- and by that mean that we could actually smell them and it was painful-- anarchists who didn't get the joke... and even when they were informed it was satirical, they continued to scream

-the older woman who shouted: "Why don't you get a decent job?"

-doing a song and dance in front of the literally-crumbling ice sculpture of democracy

-the huge piles of unused counter-protest posters made by the pro-war people

-standing above the parade in a skywalk and the silent reactions (middle fingers, applause, laughs) to the Lobbyists For McCain posters ("Four More Years!") from the thousands passing below

-we had set up in front of a group of totally silent pro-war Republicans with identical posters and were holding our signs (including "Don't Change Horsemen Mid-Apocalypse") up among theirs to make it appear as if we were in agreement with them. A woman affiliated with one of the anti-war march's organizing groups got right in front of us and tried to yell over us. When she said, "Yes, we can" we shouted, "No, you can't" right over her. Finally, as it became clear to us that she was the only person who remained clueless about the real point of Lobbyists For McCain, with the Republicans literally patting us on the back and the protesters laughing as they went by, we finally walked up directly behind her and started chanting:

"You don't get it... you don't get it... you don't get it..." to the applause and cheers of the crowd until she finally went away...

Among the lowlights:

-Toby Keith played the State Fair, which had nothing to do with why the Fair kind of sucked.

There were political people out by the tens of thousands... one guy called me a "cocksucker" for "deceiving him" by claiming the L4M are McCain "supporters." Meanwhile, the guy running the McCain booth, which we were "coincidentally" standing in front of, raced out of into the walkway to shout, "Hey, you're infringing on my right to free speech!"

Of course, this was hilarious since we were a good eight to ten feet into the pedestrian walkway in front of his booth. Johnny: "Yeah, meanwhile a hundred thousand people are getting sealed up in protest pens and you're worried about your booth." "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

There are sure to be more ridiculous stories from today's (Tuesday's) events, especially with the RNC presumably moving into full swing.

Lobbyists For McCain Take On The Minnesota State Fair.

Meanwhile, the real lobbyists were ignoring the hurricane and partying it up, supposedly off the radar, with the band Hookers and Blow. Classy!

Related:

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week

Top photo by Mike McGregor. Others via Flickr.

What'll Happen To Sarah Palin?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 14:02:00 GMT

This is nothing against Sarah Palin-- after all, all GOP candidates are a little bit frightening, a little bit awesome in their determination and genuine will to make the world a better place-- but is she doomed?

No one here in Minneapolis is even talking about the convention. Every conversation at every restaurant in town is centered around one question: what's going to happen to Governor Palin, what with all these rumors and controversies that are swirling around her...

First, there was this e-mail, which we received from reader profrobert on Friday, alerting us to the possibility that Palin's fifth daughter, born less than five months ago, is not hers.

But what would be even more incredible is if it's NOT true: http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634

This means her water broke in Texas. She hung around to give a 30-minute speech. She then went to the airport and GOT ON A PLANE. TO ALASKA. I don't know where she was in Texas, but DFW-ANC non-stop is a seven-hour flight.

He makes a great point: who is this person who has her water break and then waits around not only to give a speech but for a plane to take her across most of the entire fucking continent. Her husband claims that a) they just wanted the baby to be 100% Alaskan and b) that his daughter's five month or so absence from school was the result of a bad case of mono. Suuuuuuure it was...

So, of course, the liberal blogosphere goes batshit over the story but no mainstream media outlet wants anything to do with it. Gustav sweeps Palin off the front pages, then the RNC delay further buries the rumors. Meanwhile, Palin is at a rally where she doesn't address the rumors but causes another stir by saying:

“Then we have our daughter Bristol, she’s on the bus with the newborn, and then we have our daughter Willow, who is here, and our youngest daughter Piper,” Ms. Palin said as she introduced her family. “On that bus we have our son, Trig, who is a beautiful baby boy we welcomed into the world just in April..."

Of course, Palin's phrasing would've been completely normal under any other circumstances. But conspiracy theorists flipped again, saying Palin wasn't even saying the words "her" and "baby" one after the other, implying that perhaps Palin is setting herself up to eventually confess to lying. Meanwhile, photos showing that Palin had no baby bump during her pregnancy were all deleted from the Governor's official websites. (We are trying our best to stay out of this, but must add that we defy anyone to locate photos of Palin in the nine months leading up to April 2008 in which she appears pregnant. As soon as an un-Photoshopped photo comes our way, we'll believe her version of the events.)

Then, the bigger story: Palin announces the same daughter is currently five month's pregnant, thus ruling out the possibility of Bristol having already given birth just a few months ago. And while we believe this, again, it doesn't rule out the possibility that Palin is lying: after all, no one is going to ask her to prove conception date. For all we know, she's really only a few months pregnant and that, by the time the baby's born, it will be too late for anyone to stop Palin from becoming Vice President because of the lie. (Side note: Bristol's boyfriend is a self-proclaimed "redneck" who says on his MySpace profile that he doesn't want kids. Wonderful.)

Meanwhile, the Troopergate story (as winking bloggers are referring to it), the mere mention of which earned us a drubbing from her supporters in a previous post, has knocked the pregnancy story off the front pages, albeit for a fairly innocus reason: Palin just now hired a lawyer to defend her in the two-month old investigation. Hmmm....

In any case, the liberal HuffPo has realized Palin is a weak spot on the ticket (we've heard that from numerous fence sitters among the Minneapolis public.) Here's what their front page looked like in the wee hours of this morning:

... TOP GOP GOVERNOR: I'VE HEARD NO DISCUSSION ABOUT REMOVING MS. PALIN FROM THE TICKET ...

'Fringe' Alaskan Secessionist Party: Palin Was A Member... Almost Recalled As Mayor... Directed Fundraising For Indicted Senator's 527... Troopergate Scandal... Calls Iraq A War For Oil... Admits She Hasn't 'Really Focused On Iraq'... Alaska National Guard General: Palin Plays No Role In National Defense... 17 Year-Old Daughter Pregnant...

Also, did you guys hear the Fox News commentator and others pick up the talking point that Palin has "national security experience" because Alaska is "so close to" Russia? What? That's like saying Scanner Nicole and I have foreign policy experience because we're located near Denmark.

All this adds up to one thing: Palin, as a VP candidate, is in trouble. The rumors we're hearing from reliable GOP sources center on two possibilities: 1) Palin may drop out, citing family commitments, and time this withdrawal so that McCain's second choice will be accepted without question by GOP leadership, for fear of losing the election if they don't immediately unite or 2) Palin will continue to cause McCain problems to the point where he will drop Palin himself, but in favor of a female candidate or even Joe Lieberman.

While both seem highly unlikely events, either of them is much less far-fetched now than they were even 24 hours ago...

We'll have more on this story during the next two days of convention coverage...

EXCLUSIVE: McCain-Palin Internal Talking Points Memo Leaked To Scanner

Scanner Roundtable: What Did We Think About The DNC & Obama's Speech?

RNC Day One: Total Anarchy

Against Our Better Judgment, We're Reporting From The RNC This Week...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 15:09:00 GMT

10:41am: With Hurricane Gustav threatening the Gulf Coast, and New Orleans likely to escape a second major disaster, we're here in Minneapolis, where the Republicans are debating the best way to neutralize reminders of Katrina.

Today is a day off, thanks to Gustav (which some are calling "The Revenge of New Orleans," as in "on the Republicans") while driving through the community colleges looking for bags of cocaine and fat young boys...

Here are some of the rumors we've heard so far from senior McCain staffers, journalists, and local prostitutes:

-Local police raided a house where a few dozen anarchists were holed up, scuttling their terroristic plans to throw urine on delegates and "injure police officers." Seriously. Does anyone actually think this nonsense is going to hold up in court?

-Because there's nothing going on at the convention tonight (everything's canceled out of respect to the possible victims of Gustav), secret underground parties are springing up all over the city. Meanwhile, protesters are not taking a day off, even for Labor Day. They'll be passing by the convention en masse around 1pm Minneapolis time...

-Tomorrow we'll be attending: The Future Leaders Of The GOP Amtrak Train Drinking Party, Sponsored By Patron (you think we're kidding-- this is a real event) and Financial Football: A Day With The Minnesota Viking's Rookie Of The Year Running Back. Shoot us now, please...

We'll be updating this post throughout the day... rumors, lies, and insults always welcome at scanner@nerve.com and check back here for more at http://dailyscanner.com.

This Week in Gayness: Al Franken's Lesbian Jokes

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 18:34:00 GMT

Last month's ruling all but totally legalizing gay marriage in California is already faced with stiff opposition.

First, the high court refused to stop the marriages from going into effect. Meanwhile, the bigots are back on the ballot-- November's election not only will feature a question about amending the state constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman, but a question about parental notification for abortions as well. (The abortions of minors only, of course, but can parental notification for everyone be too far behind?)

Tammy Baldwin and Barney Frank introduced Congress to its first ever LGBT Equality Caucus. Shockingly enough, a lot of other Congresspersons have joined. Not so shockingly, no Republicans have yet signed on, as their is the party of the future... a future ruled by Soylent Green, of course.

The New York State Assembly proves its worth for the first time in ages by passing a law amending the state's human rights law to include protections for transgender people. Now if they could pass a law giving us our tax refunds within ten years of filing for them, that would be great.

Al Franken's campaign for the US Senate may be in jeapordy following attacks on his character by Minnesota Republicans. The GOP is running incumbent Norm Coleman (the guy who beat a former Vice President of the United States and one time Presidential candidate named Walter Mondale in a Democratic-leaning state for the seat.) Here's what they quote from in their press release about Franken's alleged attacks on women and lesbians in particular:

Franken kidded at a 1999 New York feminist event that Afghan women didn't need any more freedom, and he announced at a White House press dinner that then-Attorney General Janet Reno would perform a lap dance for $25.
He joked at a Human Rights Campaign dinner that he had asked organizers to pay him for his speech by "send[ing] a girl to my room. And they did. But she turned out to be a lesbian. Great! Next time you do that, could you at least send two?"

Of course, these were both more than seven years ago when Franken was a fucking comedian. You wonder how come they haven't found any poorly-worded off-the-cuff comments about Republicans while hosting an Air America show for several years.

FBI Agents Out To Get Democrats

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 27 May 2008 20:10:00 GMT

When we worked with Billionaires For Bush, the grassroots media campaign that pretended to support our favorite Appointee, we often heard card-game speculation on which of our members secretly worked for the FBI. No one was sure that anyone was working for the FBI, but not too long ago, our suspicions turned out to be true-- documents revealed that the NYPD and other authority figures had infiltrated our ranks to determine if we were up to any good, er, up to any terror-related activities for the Republican National Convention or any other anti-GOP activities.

Of course, the question this always raised was: why were those not supporting the President more likely to do something violent than the nutjob warmongers furious at the anti-war Democratic convention?

Now, it turns out, those questions will be raised again this year, as the FBI is attempting to infiltrate, to our eternal amusement, "vegan potlucks."

“She told me that I had the perfect ‘look,’” recalls Carroll. “And that I had the perfect personality—they kept saying I was friendly and personable—for what they were looking for.”

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant—someone to show up at “vegan potlucks” throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protesters, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force, a partnership between multiple federal agencies and state and local law enforcement. The effort’s primary mission, according to the Minneapolis division’s website, is to “investigate terrorist acts carried out by groups or organizations which fall within the definition of terrorist groups as set forth in the current United States Attorney General Guidelines.”

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

The Real Candidate of Change: Transgender GOP'er

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 20:00:00 GMT

Chrissy Nakonsky is running for the Minnesota Legislature as an anti-tax Republican. Nakonsky, who is married with three kids, told The Star Tribune, "Republicans swear by not raising taxes, and raising taxes would hurt families in poverty, like mine."

Her choice of political party would not be surprising, except for the fact that until recently, Chrissy was known as Jeff and worked as a local cashier. And we all know Republicans aren't known for supporting LGBT anything. Read more about Nakonsky here.

1	4.45	Miami
2	4.42	San Diego
3	4.38	Austin
4	4.28	Charleston
5	4.26	Honolulu
6	4.20	Los Angeles
7	4.20	San Francisco
8	4.16	Minneapolis/St. Paul
9	4.15	New York
10	4.14	Denver