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While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen Hates The New York Times

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:08:00 GMT

This weekend's election in Spain went well for European conservatives, who routed the socialists in this strangely-headlined story.

A rape crisis center raised a few eyebrows by featuring a nearly-naked dancer as its headliner for a fundraiser.

The Jonas Brothers didn't have the world's greatest weekend...

U2 played one of their famous rooftop gigs.

The pointless CPAC straw poll went in favor of Mitt Romney, with Jindal in second and Palin in fourth. (Remember, John McCain finished fourth last time...)

Glen Hansard wants you to hear this classic Van Morrison record.

Lily Allen hates the New York Times because the "cheap skanks" did something she didn't appreciate.

Siegfried and Roy performed a farewell show... with their tiger. Yeah, that tiger.

A woman about to marry a Royal is featured topless in an upcoming movie.

While You Were Sleeping: Clit-Pumpin' Glory

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Scanner Highs and Lows: The Week We Did a Little Star F*cking

Top 3 Reasons "Twilight" Isn't Cool…or Sexy... or Worth Your $10

Scanner Matt — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 22:13:00 GMT

1. Mormons
2. Abstinence
3. There’s a better vampire movie you should be watching

Reason #1: Never let devout religious people teach or describe sex to you. It’s like having George Bush explain his foreign policy (a bunch of cautionary bullshit and no results). Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Yes, those guys who helped spearhead the anti-gay “Yes on Prop 8” campaign… and by the way, who the hell are they to talk about marriage?

How Mormon is she?

Well, she did get her writing degree at Brigham Young University.

Reason #2: Abstinence is not the answer. Just ask Sarah Palin how well it works. And furthermore does it ever make for good entertainment? Meyer substitutes a teenage vampire boy’s horny desires for his thirst for blood in a thinly veiled metaphor that’s supposed to teach “us” (parents and their confused teens, of which we are neither, admittedly) about “our” carnal urges.

Reason #3: Nine times out of ten there’s always a better movie out there than the one you’re watching. Not that our readers are knocking down theater doors to get to this holiday blockbuster (which they keep urging us to refer to as “the next Harry Potter”), but if you are in the mood for an entertaining vampire movie try Let The Right One In, still in theaters. A super hip and smart Swedish film (also based on a novel, not written by a Mormon) that tells the dark and soulful story of a little kid vampire. And it’s rated R the way all vampire movies should be.

"The Real World: Facebook" or Scanner Emily vs. The Mormons

This Week In Gayness: Lesbians Under Attack

Male Mormon Missionaries Go Topless For The Hell Of It

While You Were Sleeping: Winona Ryder OD'd

Photo: NYT

Who Will Be Time's Person of the Year?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:29:00 GMT

As the magazine industry fades into complete irrelevance, Time will try to carry on their century-old tradition of giving dictators and mongrels some free publicity, thanks to their Person of the Year competition.

The internet, for possibly the first time ever, actually cares who wins this contest: mainly because as of eight o'clock this morning, Eastern Time, Sarah Palin and Barack Obama were neck and neck...

Since then, the word got out on the pro-Obama sites. One headline went: "Are we really going to let Sarah Palin win Time's Person of the Year?" Apparently, it motivated the hell out of people-- here are the totals as of 10:10am:

With a reversal like that, Palin's chances can't be good for 2012. With the public that fearful of a Sarah Presidency, she could end up throwing a Republican primary to the consensus candidate-- Mitt Romney? Alan Keyes? Okay, we're kidding about Alan Keyes, maybe.

See the rankings and vote at Time.com.

Related:

Who is GQ's Man of the Year? (File Under: Duh)

While You Were Sleeping: Barack Obama's Big Move

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Travel to the Future, And We Like It

While You Were Sleeping: Sarah Palin Likes Short Shorts

While You Were Sleeping: Bailon To Do Playboy For 100G's?

Charlie Crist's "Sex Tape" Could Land Him The Vice-Presidency

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:56:00 GMT

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, long rumored to be a closeted homosexual, is about to have his true sexual orientation outed by Nixon dirty trickster Roger Stone, who claims to have video surveillance of the newest "Love Gov" and friend on a late-night elevator ride...

Crist is without a doubt the frontrunner for the Republican Vice Presidential nomination after helping John McCain sneaked past second choice Mitt Romney in Florida. However, he is single and therefore a potential liability to the Family Values party. Here's what Politics1, which broke this story, has to say about this "sex tape":

The video was seemingly staged to kill the rumors that Crist is gay. Stone claims the tape -- which he discussed recently with Politics1, but didn't show to us ("I'm saving it for the national shows") -- "shows Charlie fooling around in a hotel elevator with his girlfriend."
Stone just conveniently happens to have a copy of the hotel's elevator surveillance tape, just when Crist's name is in play for the VP spot. Hmm. As for Crist's purported girlfriend -- [pictured above -- Ed.] presuming it is the same one he took as his date to the White House Correspondents Dinner in DC a few weeks ago -- she's still married (and not to Crist). Disclaimer: Always be skeptical of anything from Stone.

Via Politics1.

V-Day Wrapup: Come "Get Some"

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:15:00 GMT

Even we don't have the guts to admit to doing some of this stuff...

...like sending ourselves Valentine's Day gifts. To prove what to whom?

Japan firmly establishes itself as the weirdest country for lovers.

Girl with A One-Track Mind on the Hallmark Holiday.

V-Day: the Black Monday from Hell.

Did we mention Japan is weird as shit? But so's NYC, baby.

And, in a moment to warn all our hearts, Mitt Romney became engaged to John McCain today.

Mitt Romney to Drop Out, Apocalypse Postponed to 2012

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:10:00 GMT

Three hundred million-plus people heaved a huge sigh of relief at approx. 12:40pm today when CNN reported Mitt Romney is dropping out of the Presidential race. He had no chance in hell of winning a general election, but that didn't stop us from fearing the hell out of him. And now that he's gone, we're stuck with John McCain vs. Hillary/Barack, which is going to be a lot tougher for Dems.

Madeline Holler is sadly packing the overnight bag Romney's been keeping on her dresser. Now it's just Huck, Ronnie, and Mac the Knife. Who can we still make fun of, damn it?

Mitt Romney: Who Let The Dogs Out

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:46:00 GMT

There oughta be a law, yo.

We've offhandedly mentioned this wacky, somewhat excruciating moment during Romney's whirlwind tour of gangsta Florida. And last night a video turned up in our inbox, so even though it's more than a week old, we just couldn't pass it up.

Help Us, Mitt Romney, You're Our Only Hope

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 13:30:00 GMT

Do your grandparents live in Florida? Are they doped-up, degenerate Republicans? (Is there any other kind? Kidding, of course.) In all seriousness, people, we need Mitt Romney to win this primary today. If he doesn't, count on a good 4 to 16 more years of Republicans occupying the White House. Because if McCain wins the Sunshine State, it's all over. Mark my words, this year's election is being decided today, in one state.

Talk to your grandparents and other people susceptible to your charms and tell them how important, how crucial it is for you, for the country, that a wonderful, caring, beautiful man named Mitt Romney is given the nod. Don't tell them that he's a crazy Mormon and the only candidate Hillary Clinton can beat.

Don't tell them he's turned his back on every issue he ever supported as Governor of super-liberal Druggachussetts. And for God's sake (try to mention God every other word), don't tell them a McCain victory today virtually guarantees him a Super Tuesday sweep and a straight run all year as the nominee, while the Democrats fight bitterly on, possibly right up through the convention, leaving them weakened and likely fatally damaging their party's nominee.

Okay, all kidding aside, the race is a virtual tie, with Giuliani doomed to a distant third place. Apparently, he's been seen giving away his belongings (I'm not kidding) and thanking staffers and media reps for their time and commitment. Holy God, is Rudy Giuliani going to plunge himself into the Hudson River if he isn't elected President?! My God, at least give him a close second, people. Who are we going to make fun of when it's just McCain and Romney all the way to November?

In other news, Ron Paul is completely insane. Please send us any news you have to back this up, as we haven't done any stories on that nut and it'd be a good start if we could get a flame war going in the comments section. Thank you.

[Photo of Governor Romney: Cheryl Senter, New York Times]

Your Prayers Answered: GOP In Crisis

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:01:00 GMT

Just in the last few hours, we've been trying to figure out which institution is having a worse day: the stock market or the Grand Old Party.

First, Fred Thompson withdrew from the race after he was caught with an even hotter woman than his wife. (Okay, that didn't happen. And his wife ain't all that hot, either.)

Mitt Romney made a total out-of-touch-white-guy ass of himself at the MLK tribute in Florida. He even used the term "bling bling," which is even more funny when heard with the robotic gears clinking along in his jaw.

And Mike Huckabee's campaign still can't raise two bits without starting a registry at Target. This could spell the end for him.

[Photo: Steve Helber, Associated Press]

John McCain, 141, Seizes Power in Coup

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 18:09:00 GMT

Apologies for the panic-inducing title, I just wanted start out with a bang…

John McCain proved Saturday that Republicans might forgive and forget everything: supporting a doomed war (Iraq), opposing the party's top goal (deporting brown people), and an offensively normal blond blogger daughter. (It's also apparently no big deal that the man will be older than Nostradamus by 2016.) And while only a few hours earlier, Mitt Romney had established himself as the man to beat, having won 51% of the Nevada caucus vote, he was soon overshadowed by McCain's upset victory in South Carolina, a state evangelical Governor Mike Huckabee had been long favored to win.

Former Clinton guru Dick Morris sent out a great quote in his daily e-mail this morning:

“The biggest loser in South Carolina was Rudy Giuliani. He now must face a resurgent McCain in Florida who steals his votes away. Rudy is a bit like the guy who went away to college and came home to find that some other guy had stolen his girl.”

Ouch. But then again, who’d steal Judy Nathan?

What does all this mean for the future of our nation, which The Onion believes is in its final year? And more importantly, who do we have to see about banning Fred Thompson from ever running for office again? The guy is about as exciting as my last colon exam, and believe me, I was very much not aroused.

These and more questions will be answered by Yours Truly, the new National Political Correspondent for Nerve. We'll be concentrating on specific issues that have vaguely nothing to do with Nerve (but I'll throw in a crazy Mike Huckabee abortion comment every day or so, just to stay relevant.)

[Photo of the author and Dennis Kucinich by Mark Esper]

[Photo of Judith Nathan and Rudy Giuliani by Joe Schildhron/PMc]

Is Mitt Romney a Horsefaced Lover?

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 20:41:00 GMT

Ann Romney, wife of Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney loves horses. A lot. So much so that it might be affecting the couple's love life to the point that their son Josh is contributing marital aids:

Last Christmas, Josh Romney presented his father with a rubber horse mask. “It’s remarkable how much it makes him look like a horse,” the younger Mr. Romney said. Wear the mask, he told his father, and “maybe Mom will pay as much attention to you as she does to the horses.”

[Via Bostonist]

(Thanks Gwynne and Christine!)

Sloppy Seconds: Barbie Parts Make the Cutest Necklaces

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 20:00:00 GMT

Earrings fit for an A.M. Homes story: Jewelry made of Barbie bits.

Russell Crowe's gone baptizin'.

Mitt Romney would have liked to see Adam and Eve wearing bigger leaves.

David Byrne on IKEA: "Like entering a videogame world."

The church lady sex addict

Sloppy Seconds: Virginia Man Loses His "Poofter" License

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 20:00:00 GMT

After 11 years of having "POOFTER" on his vanity license plates, the Virginia special license plates office is revoking David Phillips' plates, deeming them "offensive or disparaging." UPDATE: Thought he looked familiar? Could this be the same guy who had awkward, fumbiling sex with Larry Craig?

Greatest. Early 90s Trend. Ever. Zubaz!

Jennifer Lopez: I'm pregnant! The world: No shit you are.

What do Hannibal Lector and this woman have in common?

Anti-gay Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's campaign ads ended up on Gay.com last August.