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Long Live the New Flesh

Drew Grant — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:29:00 GMT

There's much in life that I can abide by. Bad music, shitty beer, boys that don't call you back despite the 18 messages you leave them on their voicemail. But there is one teeny tiny thing that I loathe with every fiber of my movie snob being: I hate crappy remakes. And even there, my limits are pretty relaxed. I'm no purist: Does Rob Zombie wants to remake Halloween? Sure, knock yourself out. Debbie Does Dallas Part: Deux? Whatever floats your boat. But the news that Universal would be remaking David Cronenberg's 80's cult classic Videodrome nearly killed me. Who the hell do these people think they are?

Videodrome, for the uninitiated, is a difficult plot to explain. Lets see: James Wood works for a local tv station that traffics in weird porn. He's sleeping with Debbie Harry, who is also into weird porn. One day, an employee of Wood's starts getting pirated TVsignals from god knows where, which brings in images of the weirdest BDSM dungeon ever, "The Videodrome." Soon, the tv signal is screwing with Wood's head, making him imagine a giant vagina in his stomach where evil-doers insert videotapes that turn him into a killing machine. Meanwhile, Debbie Harry has disappeared inside the Videodrome, and Wood's desperate attempts to save her, blah blah blah, weird sex, weird sex, weird sex.

Now, not only is this movie one of the most disturbing in Cronenberg's oeuvre (along with The Fly and Naked Lunch), but caused such a public outcry at the time of it's release that it immediatly became one of those midnight cult classics, along with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Eraserhead, that you'd have to sneak out in the middle of the night from your parents place in order to see. It's graphic, it's distasteful, it's downright disgusting. And it's one of the best films to come out of one man's obsession with Marshall MCluhan.

So why would a remake suck? Because whoever ends up directing this project (certainly not Cronenberg, although he's still alive and making films) will tone down the gross factor? Almost certainly not: We live in the age of the Splat Pack, where Eli Roth and the Saw films guarantee an unnecessary amount of gore even if they don't deliver on a coherent dialogue. But Universal is hoping to change the concept of the film to "infuse it with the possibilities of nano-technology and blow it up into a large-scale sci-fi action thriller."

Um, no. The original film is so rooted in Cronenberg's personal style of combining the sexual and organic with the inanimate and mechanical (and the disgusting, pseudo-erotic meshing that occurs whenever a typewriter turns into a giant cockroach that talks out of its ass) that any sort of over-the-top CGI gross outs added will ruin the point of the film: Our bodies are not our own, they are machines made out of flesh and meat, subject to the whims of our sexual desires and the media's glamorization of violence. Please explain to me how turning this movie into a sexy version of Transformers will top the purely visceral experience of James Wood's vagina-stomach in the origanal.

Related:

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Controversial "Courting Condi" Cancelled By Cronies

Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys, And Freaks Out On Ewan McGregor

While You Were Sleeping: Is Lindsay Lohan's Career Over?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 13:08:00 GMT

The New York Times just figured out that the sexting craze means some teens will go to jail.

This Rob Schneider interview may be the best thing we've read all week. Yeah, we know-- Rob Schneider...

Apple is preparing to raise iTunes download prices to $1.29. We suspect this might have something to do with preparing people for the high price Beatles downloads will be.

An eye for an eye is about to be taken literally in-- you called it-- Iran.

Nice try, IBM-- you want to lay off American workers, outsource to India, and collect stimulus dollars? Hell no.

Four women who dressed as stewardesses and volunteered in the New York City subways to help people get around have been asked to stop by the MTA. As if the MTA is flush for cash and can themselves pay people to provide that service. Morons.

New York finally began the process of fixing the evil/horrible Rockefeller Drug Laws.

Our hero David Byrne has officially ruled out ever playing with the Talking Heads again. Asshole.

Bruce Springsteen saved the famous Glastonbury summer music festival. Angel.

Lindsay Lohan's only unreleased film (at present) is going straight to DVD.

And a schoolteacher showed up drunk to class, blackmailed her students into bumping and grinding with her, then later passed out by a swimming pool.

Teacher In Lesbian Sex Scandal Story Not Helping

The Dark Knight Starting To Inspire Copycat Crazies

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 14:54:00 GMT

We're surprised it's taken this long for the world's bumbling criminals to fall in love with Heath Ledger's depiction of The Joker, perhaps one of the most memorable villains in Hollywood history.

First, a tragic example of someone who took the joke a little too far, followed by a more positive note...

Army Spc. Christopher Lanum, 25, a suspect in the stabbing of a fellow soldier, Spc. Mitchell Stone, at Fort Eustis, was killed hours after the attack when he pointed a loaded shotgun at police after a chase. He had reportedly painted his face and dressed to look like The Joker, the villain from Batman comics and the movie The Dark Knight.

Lanum was apparently obsessed with the villain, according to reports filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in Norfolk. The records stated that Patsy Montowski, Lanum's girlfriend, indicated that Lanum:
"said everything The Joker did he did for a reason, like killing people, and that he agreed with the philosophy of doing things for a reason." [SNAFU-ed]

Perhaps the most depressing part of the tale is their quote from Lanum's mother: "All I can tell you is that Christopher served 18 months in Iraq and he never came actually home to us."

Another young man adopted the movie character as his hero, with very different results:

"Some kid dressed up as the Joker was caught stealing movie posters from a theatre's lobby and was consequently arrested for it." Holy hooligans! Phony 'Joker' arrested in Michigan [Comcast.net]

The mugshot, seen here, is almost adorable.

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The Rest of the Week Can't Possibly Top This Mr. T Infomercial

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 13:44:00 GMT

This video is so gigantic in its awesomeness, the Scanner homepage cannot contain it. But trust us, it's well worth clicking the Read more... for the video goodness.

We were taken aback by the sight of Mr. T without his chains and gold-plated iPhones, but one YouTuber points out that T gave these up when he decided to become a Serious Christian, which made him somehow crazier.

Speaking of "somehow crazier," how is it possible that the man is, indeed, more insane looking without the chains? Kind of like when Prince became "The Artist," T is only drawing attention to his egomania by suddenly being "too good" for only one of many ridiculous aspects of his personality. In other words, he ain't exactly calling himself Laurence Tureaud in his press releases...

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Sloppy Seconds: Yet Another Lesbian Teacher Scandal

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

We thought Sunshine Cleaning might be good until we read this round up. Verdict: it's a rental.

Hundreds of thousands of people were willing to overlook the fact that they were financing the lifestyle of a child molester: all 50 or so Michael Jackson concerts are sold out.

This idiot juror may have cost someone a verdict of $12.6 million by Tweeting instead of paying attention to the trial.

Another teacher busted for having a lesbian relationship with a student. These educators will never learn.

The Heathers musical: good or bad idea, in theory?

What do you do if your mom catches you jerking off? The answer probably isn't punch her in the face and get arrested.

Here's one we haven't heard before: in Russia, a baby was born with two penises. That kid with the penis on his back has a new friend!

Ask Andy: Birth Control

Penis, Penis, Peanuts

Today in WTF: Penis Extenders Actually Work?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About "Horrific Beetle Sex"

The Cross-Dressing Mafia Kingpin Makes Gangsters Seem So Much More Cuddly

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 18:39:00 GMT

The Italian movie Gomorrah, which is so controversial, everyone involved fears for their lives, including the author of the original novel, who has had to accept 24-hour police protection. Why? Because it involves the newer, much more sinister Mafia.

E! calls the movie a "bloody, dull business," and we have to agree. It's three hours of ruthless, pointless, loosely-connected scenes of graphic violence and no narrative thread to keep the audience engaged. Nonetheless, at least it has raised awareness of the Camorra (get the title's pun now?) and the modern European Mafia, which is threatening to become more powerful than Mexico's drug cartels...

Luckily, the police are making their move. Yesterday, they rounded up a bunch of Italian gangsters and other degenerates, including one woman who goes by the name "Kitty." It turns out that Kitty is actually Ugo Gabriele or-- snicker, snicker-- Gabriele Ugo, as some papers have reported "her." Gabby is actually a "big, burly dude," according to the police, and the world's first known transsexual Mafioso. (The closest was Vincent "the Chin" Gigante, who walked around in his bathrobe and pretended to be insane, but even he wasn't nutty enough to pretend to be a cross-dresser-- that would've gotten him whacked for sure.)

Gabby allegedly works for the Camorra out by the airport, running what else but a prostitution ring. How cliche of you, sir.

Blonde-Redhead Muslim Woman Sues Bar Over (Conservative) Red Dress

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

While You Were Sleeping: Playboy Kills the DVD

'Rom Coms' Can Ruin Your Love Life, Sound a Lot Dirtier Than They Are

Emily Farris — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Ladies (and perhaps gentlemen) something you're doing on a regular or semi-regular basis could be ruining your personal life, according to a new study. It's causing you to have unrealistic expectations with it comes to love and impairing your communication with your partner. This thing is the rom com.

Just what is a rom com?

While it sounds like something along the lines of an anal probe or a high-powered vibrator, a rom com is simply a romantic comedy. And some psychologists believe that watching rom coms can affect intimate relationships in pretty significant ways.

They found that fans of films such as Runaway Bride and Hitch often fail to communicate with their partners effectively, with many holding the view that if someone is meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you needing to tell them.

Psychologists at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at Edinburgh's Heriot Watt University studied 40 top box office hits from 1995-2005.

They included You've Got Mail, Maid In Manhattan, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping.

Dr Bjarne Holmes said: "Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it.

"We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people's minds.

"The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise."

We're not surprised (though we're more likely to believe that our iPods are playing the soundtrack to our lives), but we're still a little hung up on the term. It just sounds so.... dirty. Are we really that behind the times that we've never heard the term "rom com?" We saw "Sleepless in Seattle" at least 20 times. Maybe we're too young (we were eleven when it came out) or too old. Our old friend Scanner Bryan even threw out the term back in January but we seem to have missed it.

According to Wiktionary, the term was most likely inspired by "sitcom" or situational comedy, for those of you out there who are even younger and/or more dense than we are.

[Press Association: 'Rom coms' can ruin your love life]

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While You Were Sleeping: Obama's Replacement

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:56:00 GMT

A 22-year-old became the youngest-ever World Series of Poker champ.

There will be (yet) another Cheech & Chong movie.

Check out this bizarre photo of Stephen Baldwin and Miley Cyrus... is the tattoo we've heard about real?!

Apparently so:

Talk about random...Miley Cyrus, along with Justin Gaston and her mom, hit a Christian bookstore last night in Tennessee for Stephen Baldwin's book signing. One word: why?

"I'm not exactly sure," her rep said, who's apparently as mystified as we are by this surprise showing. "I know they're friends of the Baldwins."

Stephen showed off an "HM" tattoo on his upper bicep that reportedly stands for Hannah Montana, Miley's hit Disney show. The story is that Miley dared him to get the tat, in exchange for a cameo on her show. [E!]

Tammy Duckworth, who lost 2006 bid for Congress, trails Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. in a public opinion poll that asked who should replace Obama in the Senate. Of course, these polls don't matter, since it's up to the Governor, but interesting nonetheless.

And Jennifer Aniston puts Angelina Jolie in her place-- not without cause, we may add.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton Expands the Family Empire to Include Brothels

Is 'Page Six' on Miley Cyrus Skank Watch?

Sloppy Seconds: Somebody Should Tell Miley Cyrus She's a Big Girl Now

Leryn Franco Makes Up For Missing Out On The Whole "Nude Olympians Craze"

Say What? Lindsay Lohan Uses The C-Word On Obama

Kim Kardashian And Carmen Electra Size Each Other Up, Wrestle, Cuddle

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

"Disaster Movie": a title like that is going to give the same critics (including yours truly) that trashed "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" lots of ammo for their brutal headlines.

Luckily, Carmen Electra and Kim Kardashian, the film's stars, couldn't give a big, hot, reality star's ass what people think of their movie. Although they do worry about the stalkers and photographers, as they reveal in a couple of creepy-as-hell stories...

Are you guys able to walk around in public without being hassled? Do you ever have experiences with people coming too close to your space?

Electra: I had a weird experience when I was working at MTV. We were shooting an opening of a new restaurant or something. And we were in a different city. I flew in, and I was all by myself because it was one of my first jobs. And I didn't have anyone with me at all. I flew in, and the driver picked me up and took me to the hotel. And there was a guy in the lobby with a clipboard. He said he was from MTV and sort of had the rundown of my schedule and took me up to my room and was in my room with me. I was hanging out with this guy for the entire day. And finally the phone rings and I said, "Answer it," because I was getting ready. And the people from MTV freaked out because they didn't know who he was. It turns out he was a stalker, so they arrested him.

Kim, it probably helps that you always have a reality TV crew following you...
Kardashian: Yeah. But I was in New York last week on my way to the airport, and the driver was taking me. And I fell asleep. And when you're so tired and you fall asleep and your mouth is open and you do not look normal. I woke up to all these flashes. And the driver was turned around driving on the freeway, taking pictures of me sleeping. I was so freaked out.

Electra: Oh no. That's not cool. But I'm sure you sleep beautiful [laughs].

Kardashian: I was drooling down the side of my face [laughs]. I took his camera.

On the rumor mill... how ever do things like this get started:

Kardashian: There was this huge new rumor going around that I got arrested a few days ago for lighting a raccoon on fire. And they had all the paperwork and the documents that I was arrested [laughs]. It was just so bizarre. I don't even know where they came up with that. It was like in Compton, too. I don't think I've been to Compton.

In a separate story, Carmen talked about how their wrestling scene for the movie, which unfortunately begins existing nationwide on Friday, turned her into a Kardashian fan:

She says, "I really got to know her in our wrestling scene... We get into some down and dirty positions, so it's a good thing we became friends. Kim is so cool, not to mention being hot." [Starpulse]

Woody Allen, are you getting this? If you think there should have been more lesbo action between Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz in your (otherwise excellent) new movie, why not do a sequel with these two?

Of course, we're kidding. Woody has better taste than that... we hope.

Via MovieFone.

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Keeping Up With the Kardashians Kind-Of Kreeps Us Out

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...In Which Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz Make Out

Is Batman's Crime-Fighting Simply a Cry for Help?

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:14:00 GMT

Topless Robot's great list of the top 10 mental illnesses Batman indisputably has suggests that if seeing your parents killed (6. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) leads you to become a melancolic (5. Depression) bat (7. Sublimation of Grief and Breavement Disorder) you're probably mentally ill.

We're not going to disagree with people who have clearly done a significant amount of research on the topic. But personally, we a little terrified to publicly speculate about Batman's mental stability or lack thereof. Mostly because of his number one mental health issue--

Anger management.

Yes. Batman is something of a rage ball. The recent accusation that Christian Bale assaulted his mother and sister just before the premier of Dark Knight, makes a frank discussion of Batman's mental health and well-being seems timely, if not necessary.

Related:

While You Were Sleeping: Autistic Children Are Brats?

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

While You Were Sleeping: Autistic Children Are Brats?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 13:58:00 GMT

The YouTube divorce trial has ended with no surprises. She signed a prenup, so that pretty sure wrapped it up. (Oh yeah, airing your husband's dirty laundry in front of three million people on the internet could not have helped your standing with the judge.)

John McCain's essay on the Iraq War was rejected by the New York Times. And not because he's wrong on every single point.

Various British media outlets are reporting Christian Bale will be questioned by police over allegations he beat his mother and sister the night before the European premiere of the new Batman movie...

His mother and sister reportedly complained that the 34-year-old actor assaulted them at a west London hotel on Sunday.
Britain's Press Association said they made the allegation at a police station in south England on Monday and that the allegation was passed on to Scotland Yard in London. It said questioning was expected Tuesday. [CNN]

A Palestinian man was killed near Obama's hotel (he wasn't yet staying there, though) after the man rammed several vehicles in what is believed to have been an attack unrelated to the Senator's visit.

A court overruled the fine leveled by the FCC against CBS for the 2004 "warddrobe malfunction incident." Hooray for free speech... and more importantly... hooray for oddly-pierced boobies.

And talk show host and (big surprise) hardcore conservative Michael Savage is under attack after saying 99 percent of all kids with autism are nothing more than "brats."

UPDATE: According to Yahoo! News, Bale is under arrest in connection with the previously-reported incident, although the Guardian is reporting the charge is for assaulting his mother and not both his mother and sister.

Related:

Who Would You Rather: Michelle Pfeiffer vs. Julie Newmar

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Video of the Day: "American Psycho" as RomCom

Who Organized The Arkansas Gay Wrestling Match?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 20:30:00 GMT

The internets thinks it has unmasked the jokester who promised $1 beer and brutal cage fighting in Arkansas, only to make the large crowd sit through grown men tearing each other's clothes off and furiously making out.

"We had a contract for cage fighting. We were deceived," said Dwight Duncan, president and CEO of Four States Fair Grounds in Texarkana...

The day after the cage fight in Texarkana, a similar gay-themed prank was pulled in nearby Fort Smith, featuring

a character named "Straight Dave" would goad a planted audience member into the ring for a fight.
The two men would then wrestle, rip away some of their clothes and share a brief kiss reminiscent of one between Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell in the film "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby."

Producers said "it was kind of to essentially make fun, poke fun at wrestling— two guys rolling around on the floor, all sweaty."

An elaborate array of mounted and handheld video cameras caught the crowd of 1,600's reaction as the two men "went right up to the line" of the city's morality laws.... The two men stripped down to their underwear, kissed and rubbed on each other, the sergeant said.

As soon as the audience realized they'd been duped, they started lobbing beers at the participants... ha ha, suckers-- the pranksters saw this coming and only handed out plastic cups. The wrestlers, meanwhile, had been hastily removed from the building, unscathed.

Those in attendance were told by several signs on display that they'd be filmed, Holland said, and signed waivers before the event. Convention center sales director Karin Hobbs declined to name the event's sponsor Monday.

But the Associated Press is dead certain that Sacha Baron Cohen is behind it, possibly filming for "Bruno" or even a new, unknown production beyond that.

If the cage match visits came from Baron Cohen, it wouldn't be the first time Arkansas fell for a practical joke. In 2000, then-Gov. Mike Huckabee fell for a prank and congratulated Canada for preserving its icebound Parliament, calling it a "national igloo."

And that guy's being considered for the 2nd-in-Command of the United States?! Reason enough to vote for Bob Barr, for God's sake...

Via Starpulse/AP.

Wall-E's Puppet Master Revealed: It's Al Gore!

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:24:00 GMT

The right wing has gotten tired of trying to find something wrong with Obama's mortgage or which hand he uses to wipe away his Muslim tears while he salutes the Nazi flag. They have a new enemy, one who''s smaller than an ogre but still bigger than John McCain: Wall-E.

Although we haven't seen the movie, we've heard for weeks that Pixar's latest animated film would feature some political content, including some "left-wing propaganda."

“It was like a 90-minute lecture on the dangers of over consumption, big corporations, and the destruction of the environment,” Pollowitz writes at Planet Gore, National Review’s global-warming blog.
I have been a huge fan of Disney Pixar's movies. Parents are usually just as entertained as their kids are. With WALL-E, that's probably true only if you thought An Inconvenient Truth was Oscar-worthy. As for me, Pixar's latest offering was Godforsaken dreck. From the first moment of the film, my kids were bombarded with leftist propaganda about the evils of mankind. [National Review]
It’s propaganda! We’re talking about a movie that foists off on little kids the idea that human beings are bad for planet earth. And that’s not true. Why are human beings bad for planet earth? … If you take your kids to this, understand they’re going to come away with the idea that mommy and daddy are bad for the planet and the planet would be better off without them. [Lars Larson on MSNBC.]

Other conservatives disagreed with these assessments, with some bloggers/writers supporting the argument that Wall-E is actually right-wing propaganda:

“I was relieved to see a kids’ movie in which the obligatory message of ecological apocalypse is framed in terms of jeopardizing our own humanity, rather than being mean to poor Gaia,” writes Matt Frost at The American Scene.
Robert Patrick J. Ford of The American Conservative suggests that “Wall-E” is... more right-wing than left-wing. “The real tragedy of these callous conservative critics (say that three times fast) is that they are missing the real lessons of the movie, ones I found immediately attractive to a traditional conservative,” Ford writes. “In the film, it becomes clear that mass consumerism is not just the product of big business, but of big business wedded with big government.

Did you see Wall-E? Let us know what your thoughts are on the film, its quality, its political content, and anything else you think of.

Via Political Wrinkles.

Libertarian Dude, Star of "Predator" and Porn, Is Running For Senate

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Sonny Landham, most famous for getting the crap torn out of him by the title character in "Predator," and ex-porn star, is running on the Libertarian line in Kentucky against Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Now 67 and living in northeastern Kentucky, the man who played Billy Bear in "48 Hours" and was killed by an alien in "Predator" admits his action-movie days are behind him. "I think I'm having wild action when I take two aspirin with my hot chocolate at night," he quipped.

The actor known for his powerful physique, booming voice and his American Indian heritage says he's serious about his longshot bid, because too many politicians are indifferent to voters' problems.

Landham refers to McConnell, a four-term Republican, as "Boss Hogg" after the corrupt politician from "The Dukes of Hazzard" TV show. He bluntly called Democratic candidate and millionaire businessman Bruce Lunsford an "elitist."

Even President Bush is a target: "He took us into a war on lies," Landham said, claiming the actual intent was "to put 'Big Oil' back into Iraq."

We kind of like this crazy old bastard, but then again, the anarchist in us always has a soft spot for the Libertarian folk.

Landham did go on to discuss his porn career with the Louisville Courier-Journal, which makes for

some campaign baggage that seems scripted for Hollywood, instead of socially conservative Kentucky. Asked whether [his adult film roles] could hurt him politically, Landham replied, "What can I do? That was a part of my life you cannot call back."

"If I was going to do it now — knowing that I'm going to have four children, knowing that I was going to run for office — no, I wouldn't make that choice," he said. "But at the time I made the choice of getting a paycheck, staying alive for your big break."

The article glosses over Landham's prison term, apparently because he was later exonerated:

Landham also served more than 2½ years in federal prison after being convicted of making threatening and obscene phone calls to his ex-wife. The conviction was thrown out by a federal appeals court that found he committed no crime.

More on this character and his campaign, via the Courier-Journal.

James Gandolfini Gets Some Sexual Healing

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:37:00 GMT

Well, some of you may never have closure on "The Sopranos," but James Gandolfini surely will. He's set to co-star in and produce the Marvin Gaye biopic-- yep-- "Sexual Healing."

No, silly, he's not playing Marvin Gaye. He's going to be like the giant, looming white guy type in a film about Gaye's comeback album, which featured that #1 title cut we have gotten real sick of chicks playing by way of a hint. The film is about the drug-addicted, expat, ladies man, mama's boy, drug relapsing soul singer, who was shot dead by his own father at the age of 44. So, in other words, it's like "Ray: Part Two," this time with way more sex.