Scanner : naked men

Even Shoe Companies Want in On the Nude Ad Bandwagon

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 16:02:00 GMT

The Oregonian, rapidly becoming the preeminent source of nudity news in the Pacific Northwest, alerted us to a new Nike campaign that involves butt-naked runners.

Butt naked, of course, except for their Nike Free running shoes, which are, of course, very far from "free..."

Apparently, everyone is on nikerunning.com watching the video, so we don't have it for you, but it goes something like this: a bunch of people run around naked (except for the stupid product they're supposed to be promoting, of course) at Bear Butte Training Camp. Now, where's my drum hit?

Some are very fit extras; the rest, Nike-sponsored athletes who train in Oregon. [Ed. note: Although the ad was filmed in California, where runners say the heat made stripping off their workout clothes no big deal at all.]

Holding a strategically placed guitar, U.S. 5,000-meter champion Lauren Fleshman discusses the Bear lifestyle. Nick Symmonds, a national 800-meter champion, bends to lace his shoes and gushes, "If you want to be a super-natural runner, you've got to train like one."

So, in other words, Nike is encouraging people to streak in order to become sort of demon dasher, a "super-natural runner?" Well, that we would love to hear about from the Oregonian.

Nike

The Oregonian

And here's a video from The Remore Island of a pole vaulter who lost his Nike sponsorship and took to the streets naked... with only his pole.

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10 Sexiest Women Over 50 (Part Two)

Sexy Garden Gnomes Offend Wankers

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 15:59:00 GMT

In West Midlands, UK, the Old Guard is trying desperately to prevent its open-minded seniors from corrupting the youth with their naked garden gnomes.

The full, horrific and incredibly graphic photos of these hideous beasts-- along with equally hilarious quotes from those who seek to save us from these insults to our mores-- after the jump...

For more than fifteen years, nude gnomes have stood in 64-year-old Sarah Smith's garden, unashamed of the imaginary bodies their imaginary God gave them. Then, of course, an unnamed woman moved in next door and was worried her young children might be filled with wild, underage lust for old bearded men if they saw the nude creatures. So she called the town council and had a police officer order Smith's little dudes covered up:

"I don't think they should be in a garden with my young kids running around nearby," she said.

"They are childish and I think it pathetic that they are in a front garden in full view of everyone."

Of course, there's nothing pathetic whatsoever with caring so much about a bunch of naked garden gnomes that you have to get the cops involved. Nothing at all.

Via the Telegraph.

This Week in Sex: We Couldn't Stuff It All In

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 22:06:00 GMT

We hope this is real and not the viral marketing work of some jean company...

Sometimes the stories are too small for their own posts. Sometimes there are two many stories for one week, which is definitely the case here.

Today, we'll present: the Not Ready For Daytime Players... in This Week in Sex, featuring tales of football teams, Bollywood nudity, Melissa Joan Hart, Playboy, brothers, and... Susan Boyle?!

A minister in Florida (where else) is being investigated for possibly sexually assaulting members of a high school football team. The man allegedly promised his victims help in their athletic careers-- not sure how his religion fits into sports. Maybe he promised to rig the coin tosses?

Apparently, there will be full frontal male nudity in a Bollywood movie. (We can't confirm that this is actually the first legitimate male nude scene from that genre, but it sounds about right.)

Melissa Joan Hart says she never did Playboy because her Maxim cover caused her brother too much embarrassment.

The State of Nevada decided not to tax brothel sex, but not before this classic quote was delivered:

"I don't know why people won't recognize that we have a legal industry," state Sen. Bob Coffin, who introduced the legislation, told the Associated Press. "I'm willing to go in and do the dirty work if no one else will."

Thanks, Senator, but your sexpertise won't be required. Moving on...

Those scary-lookers had some of the loudest sex we've ever heard (of.)

In Indiana, two little girls walked in on group sex in the bathroom of their local people Taco Bell.

Unlike our cheerleading coach friend, this woman deserved get fired: a teacher was given the boot for taking a bunch of girls to a strip club. The biggest problem is that some of the girls were under 18 and could've been arrested.

And the new porn marketing gimmick is officially is to offer whomever dominates the news a role in adult film in exchange for a million dollars:

See what [Publicity-Hungry Production Assholes] did there? Set up an entire website for something that will never happen (much like the Octomom porn) and then sit back and watch the traffic skyrocket for a headline that reads "Susan Boyle Does a Porn (Maybe)." Chances are, Boyle will never even see this site, and has never been contacted by these people. But just associating their adult films with a recent phenomena is the oldest trick in the book. Although who would ever pay to see Boyle lose her virginity on camera is another story alltogether.

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More of the Best of "The Best of Craiglist"

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:43:00 GMT

It's hard to believe it's been almost ten years since Craig's List officially took over the internet. Craig Newmark's baby has long since proved its staying power and questions about its eventual demise are considered silly since no end appears to be in sight.

Another sign of its vitality is the continuing presence of wacky, original posts showcasing North America's admirable ability to not always take itself so seriously. These few posts prove the site will always be ridiculous, bizarre, unfiltered, and entirely readable... if only in the "Best of" section, which thankfully weeds out the dick pics and political maniacs.

First, a personal ad that makes us wish we were lesbians...

best of craigslist > montreal >

Con U muslim lesbo looking for sweaty "ententes" with Jewish McGillian

What's with the McGill snobbery? Are Concordia dykes chopped liver already?

I'm a sexy Palestinian-born, Concordia-educated lesbian looking to make my very personal, very profound statement for peace by offering my luscious bod to a Jewish McGill gal to do with as she pleases. Let us bridge our cultural and institutional differences in a shuddering display of joy and togetherness and be an example to the rest of the world

Come break some taboon bread with me and I'll sip your Manischewitz wine.

محبوب

Republican at CPAC

Yo... young Republican guy here, attending CPAC this weekend. Looking for a discreet, masculine guy to fool around with. Conservative, closeted guys preferred... would like to meet someone attending CPAC (there are plenty of guys looking for action there), so we have something to talk about. Into making out, jerking off, oral... maybe fucking. I'm 5'9, masculine, 7"uc, brown/ blue.

Be in good shape, under 30, and drug/ disease free. Send pics in first email.

Would prefer to meet up at your place, since I'm sharing a room....

Location: DC

best of craigslist > ann arbor

The Streaker Tripper - m4w

I was streaking through the Diag Friday night at 2:15 am. Coming around the corner of State and Liberty, fast as a naked blur, I bumped into you and we both fell to the ground. I was a little upset with you at first, cuz I scratched my right butt cheek pretty bad, but I knew it was my fault. You said, "Nice New Balances," And all I could say was, "Thanks," with the adrenaline still rushing. In less awkward circumstances, I would have liked to talk to you. I had never run into a girl that fast or naked before... I didn't know how to respond so I helped you up quickly and kept running. Since my friends paid me $100 for making it to Kerrytown with just my socks, shoes, and a big smile, I'd like to take you on a date. You looked pretty fit so maybe you'd like to go for a run sometime. Hit me up! Bye!

best of craigslist > madison

Looking for Bridesmaids - w4w

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn't matter....you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won't have to pay for a thing.

Hope to hear from you!

There you have it, folks-- a dissection of love in North America, circa 2009. (See the full ads and more here.)

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Advertising Event Promotes Full-Frontal Nudity As Business Model

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 13:50:00 GMT

For the past several months, we've been reporting on the advertising industry's desperate descent into nudity-focused marketing campaigns. Normally, we would applaud any stripping away of censorship, but marketing agencies have always pissed us off by cynically co-opting all up-and-coming movements, milking them, and so oversaturating the mainstream with their ideas that even outsiders want nothing to do with what they once loved. (Case in point, graffiti-- once Madison Avenue realized hip kids "dug" that fresh style, everything in the 1980s had that awful, fake "tagged" look. Now we want to vomit anytime anyone mentions "taggers.")

Luckily, in Austria, people have a healthier attitude toward the nude form. Of course, that won't stop advertisers from having an event specifically geared toward nudity in hopes more people will pay attention...

We better let the website itself explain their 21st century ideas:

XIPAX - Show us your best bits.
XIPAX.com gives creative people the chance to present their ad campaigns – and of course their best work. The key message of the campaign: Show me yours and I’ll show you mine. The idea: double meanings that encourage people to show off their best work, but also hint at showing oneself in the nude. The kick-off for the campaign: a guerilla promotion at the annual gala hosted by Creativ Club Austria (CCA).

Why they have to do this naked is beyond us-- just sounds like another gimmick. But the video is mighty entertaining... watch as a guy comes up to the stage, drops trou, and holds up a sign promoting XIPAX. How many years before Valtrex tries this at a Dodgers game?

NOTE: We could not embed the video after all, so click here to see the multiple naked people...

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Sex Ed Class Enjoys Naked Man Parade

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:05:00 GMT

They'd never get away with this in America: one British high school is making headlines after a teacher showed her sex ed class a parade of naked men and asked them which body parts they wanted to focus on...

The dudes were parading around the school gymnasium for a live camera feed set up by Channel Four's The Sex Education Show, which aims to teach young people healthy attitudes about lovemaking-- you know, not that abstinence garbage. The cameras zoomed in on the body parts in question, examining their remarkable differences and proving no two people are alike, according to this local news story.

Even more incredibly, this was sanctioned by the school and the parents. (In America, they would bring back lynching specifically to deal with these people.) The students thought it helped show boys that not everyone is supermodel thin and there is nothing wrong with the un-Photoshopped body. Hear, hear.

Check out what Assistant head teacher Jo Postlethwaite has to say about the program:

"I think what this has given us is a starting point to revamp sex education. The students really benefited from people from outside the school coming in to talk to them about sex. It can be hard for both students and teachers to go from a teacher being your maths teacher to being your sex education teacher. Maybe it needs to be someone completely different."

We really have nothing more to say about this except "bravo." Meanwhile, Italy is in an uproar over a teacher who discussed genital piercings, bondage, and all that jazz during an off-topic rant about masturbation. This was during a sex ed class being taught to eleven-year-olds, which is apparently not acceptable over there.

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World Naked Bike Ride Takes Over the Southern Hemisphere

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:02:00 GMT

On Saturday afternoon, naked people took to their bicycles all over the Southern Hemisphere to protest the "indecent exposure" caused by carbon emissions. We're all for this campaign...

Above photos from Newcastle. Top photo from Sao Paulo.

The World Naked Bike Ride 2009 kicked off its first wave of protests in cities like Melbourne, Buenos Aires, Cape Town, and Lima. The Northern Hemisphere events are scheduled for June 13th and already include Krakow, L.A., London, Seattle, Amsterdam, Montreal, New Orleans, and many other major cities.

Perhaps the funniest photo of the day is this one, which doesn't even involve nudity. Check out that sexy pink bike!

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Top 5 Monica Bellucci Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 21:08:00 GMT

When you delve into the careers of foreign actors and actress who do sex scene after sex scene in their films, you begin to realize that no one's ever seen any of these movies. They are just unlabeled clips that float around the internet until we see them and say, "This would be a great waste of everyone's time on a Friday afternoon."

That is definitely the case with Italian star Monica Bellucci, an actress everyone recognizes but no one knows where from. In her storied career, Bellucci, now 44, has starred in such classics as Shoot 'Em Up, Malena, The Passion of the Christ, the Matrix sequels, and The Brothers Grimm. Don't rent any of these movies-- just watch their most memorable scenes here...

5. Monica has sex with the camera in an unknown movie. Pretty self-explanatory, really.

4. Monica has sex with a lemon in Malena. Also, is it just us or is Morricone ripping off the theme from Godfather here?

3. Monica stands there while a man has sex with her, also in Malena. This would've been higher on the list if a) she wasn't basically being violated here and b) that kid wasn't in the way with his cryin' eyes.

2. Monica having sex with a guy (!) in a car wash in Combien tu m'aimes. Betcha ten bucks that crying kid is watching from inside the gas station booth.

1. Monica getting nailed to the wall by a mass murderer in Shoot 'Em Up. Well, as long as it's with Clive Owen, it can't be all that horrible can i-- oh, wait... yes, this is a pretty ridiculous sex scene. With a punchline, no less...

Honorable Mentions: Monica is naked in just about everything. For example, there's this, from Brotherhood of the Wolf and two other films here and here. Any of them could've been #1...

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The Tabloids Have Only Just Realized Jason Segel Is A Sex Symbol

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:04:00 GMT

I was on a date a few years ago and mentioned that I'd been enjoying the then-recently released DVD of Freaks And Geeks: The Complete Series. My date took me aback by rolling her eyes to the skies and murmuring about her lustful tendencies toward one Jason Segel. My response: "You mean the fat guy who plays the drummer?"

I quickly recovered by saying I was "joking" and that I was just a bit surprised since James Franco is much more attractive and sports a tight leather jacket throughout. (Seth Rogen was on the show, too, but who could have then predicted that he would be the sex symbol of 2009?) My date imparted a piece of knowledge which I have not forgotten: "Jason Segel is a sexy, sexy man."

The New York Post and other tabloid rags would have done well to have figured that out before 99% of the culture did, sometime between Freaks and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which featured Segel's famous full-frontal nude scene...

Here's what the Post had to say about the premiere of "I Love You, Man," one of these straight-guy/bromance movies that will hopefully be done away with at Hollywood's earliest convenience:

JASON Segel, sex symbol? The 6-foot-4 comic had a gaggle of female admirers at the Cinema Society screening of "I Love You Man" the other night, including a model who told him she was disappointed the flick didn't feature a full-frontal scene as did his "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." Quipped Segel: "I kept whipping it out, but they wouldn't put it in." Also at the Soho Grand after-party thrown by Details were co-stars Paul Rudd and Rashida Jones, plus Edward Norton, Parker Posey, Bee Shaffer and Eric and Kimberly Villency. [NY Post]

Ladies, don't despair about the deleted scenes featuring Segel's schlong-- he was kidding. Of course, he was full frontal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, in photos widely available on the internet. Click here for those links and make sure your safe search is off.

What do our readers think? Jason Segel-- hot or not?

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Michelle Williams Strips, Seduces, Enjoys, And Freaks Out On Ewan McGregor

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 20:59:00 GMT

Michelle Williams has already bounced back from the stress nightmare and overwhelming publicity surrounding the death of her ex-fiancee, Heath Ledger. First, she nailed a terrific performance in last year's gem Wendy and Lucy, sadly overlooked by Kate Winslet-crazy Oscar voters. Then, she landed the lead in the new film Incendiary, which was a hit at the 2008 Sundance Film Festival and comes to DVD on May 5th.

But Nerve Video obtained a copy of the graphic and memorable sex scene between Williams and co-star Ewan McGregor (man, that guy's naked in everything)...

This scene takes place at the beginning of the movie. Williams' character has a husband and young son, whom the filmmakers apparently doesn't even bother to give a name, are at a soccer match (note her character's accent), so she decides to invite sexy Ewan over for a game of her own. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the scene is edited so that spoilers are removed, so we won't tell you what's going on at the end here, except to say that Williams had left the TV on and the channel tuned to the match...

More about Incendiary at the film's IMDB page.

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The Time Elvis Serenaded a Naked Tom Jones

Colleen Kane — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 17:10:00 GMT

This is some amazing breaking news right here. Tom Jones has informed the world (via The Sun) that Elvis Presley once serenaded him while he was in the shower. Here's how that bananas scenario came to be.

Elvis came to Vegas to see Tom Jones perform, and as the hirsute Welshman lathered up in the shower, Elvis couldn't wait to sing him a little tune.

"When I opened my eyes he was leaning over the door singing to me. I didn’t have any clothes on. I think he was checking me out."

I am sad posting this, as it will probably be a very long time before another anecdote this awesome comes along.

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Image

Venus and Serena Williams Pretend Not to Enjoy Happy Streaker

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 19:11:00 GMT

Venus and Serena Williams were taking a break from mopping the courts with their opponents at the Australian Open on Friday when... oh Jesus...

Here's some grainy, soundless video footage of the streaker who embarrassed security by getting right up in the personal space of the two tennis superstars. The man's junk appears to be censored, but really, the quality is so atrocious you wouldn't know the difference.)

Tennis hotties are frequent victims of dudes who should stick to posting dick pics on Craig's List for gratification. The most memorable ones are depicted in these news photos, from 2006 and 2000, respectively, and both are believed to have been during Anna Kournikova matches:

Don't miss the facial expressions on, well, just about everyone in the crowd...

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Naked Man Banned From Playing with His (Bowling) Balls

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 16:49:00 GMT

"Mr Forrest said it was nice to hear he had a measure of support. 'I think the six months is a bit stiff, but I knew there'd be consequences,' he said."

There's an interesting postscript to this otherwise predictable story about an Australian bowling alley regular who is banned from patronizing the establishment for six months after running naked across the lanes after a night of heavy boozing...

Oddly enough, and perhaps because the indomitable Mr. Forrest has a huge pin of his own, but for some reason, the women interviewed for the story about his banishment all disagree with the ban-- including the women who witnessed his streak. Here's one quote from a Northern Territory News piece:

A member - who didn't want to give her name - said the six-month ban was "ridiculous".
"I just thought it was hilarious.
"He's got a great body and a great personality ... full of life - there's too many sour people nowadays."
The member admitted she was annoyed she had missed the Full Monty moment.

You gotta wonder what she would've said if he had the body of, say, a professional bowler from Tennessee...

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"Oh My God, Is My Penis Going To Shrink?"

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 15:16:00 GMT

MSNBC has a terrifying little advice column called Sexploration that we were recently alerted to.

This week's questions included one of the funniest and most disturbing the website has ever run...

Is it natural for a man, as he ages, for his penis to become smaller? Can anything be done to stop the shrinkage?

When I was in third grade, the school's top female student informed me, with casual sincerity and absolute conviction, that a boy's penis falls off at age 13, whereupon a new, puberty-ready penis, complete with hair and larger testicles, would eventually emerge in its place.

Thankfully, I took her warning with a grain of salt, thinking that at least it would be cool to not have to pee for a time while I waited for my dick to grow back. Had I believed her-- as I should have, given her status as the resident smarty pants-- it may have been a two-year period of terror and constant underwear inspection.

I bring this up because, seeing that question, I had that same momentary panic I suffered at the age of eight: Holy God, isn't the penis difficult enough to deal with without this bit of information hanging over us?

Here's how writer Brian Alexander answers-- in our mercifully abridged version, of course:

Like what, for example? Washing only in cold water?
Penis worry is just another indignity you can chalk up to aging, like asking why weird, wiry black hairs are starting to pop out of your ears and why you can’t drink anything after 7 p.m. and without having to rise at 2 a.m. to pee.
But whether or not it actually shrinks is open to debate. You could try taking a tape measure to your gym’s locker room and measuring penises young and old, but German researchers have saved you from being banned for life by doing the work for you...
You’ll be happy to know that mean flaccid length was actually longer in the older men. Mean erect length was slightly longer in the young men, but barely. Erect width slightly favored the kids.
...but then I asked Dr. Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. “I believe that elasticity of the tunica [albuginea] (and thus penile size) decreases with age,” he said.
Well, penises... work better if you keep them working. [MSNBC]

Something to look forward to, dudes: you'll look better when you're unaroused and naked, a state you're more likely to be (unaroused, that is), as the years roll by...

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Happy Ending To This Naked Man's Prank

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 15:41:00 GMT

ABOVE: Unrelated photo for illustrative purposes.

Two drunk young Australian men stood outside a cafe, daring each other to strip and saunter into the late-night takeout place as if nothing were amiss.

Before one of them decided to walk in, he enlisted the aid of a passerby to make sure the moment was captured for historical history...

Luckily, 23-year-old Steven Bastick agreed to partake in the Jackass-inspired experiment and snapped the below photo for the world's continuing amusement. But the best part of all, and our entire reason for sharing this, is the quote he's been handing out to the endless stream of reporters ringing him up, describing the reaction the naked man received from the lone cashier:

"The lady was just smiling," he said.

"It didn't bother her at all...."

We have to wonder if she was grinning because he was naked or because of the one "bit" of information we're unable to ascertain from this photo...

Via this link and this link.

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Photos: Nude Animal Rights Protesters from Spain (Who Don't Seem to Be Making a Difference)

Scanner Matt — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 16:50:00 GMT

Now we're all for loving animals (just look at Scanner Verena's dog and elephant BFF post below) and we're all for stylish public displays of nudity, but we don't think anyone's going to stop the circus ("No Mas Circos Con Animales") like this.

Thundercats!

We actually came across our old Le Tigre t-shirt the other day.

Not sure what animals these people are supposed to be... (probably bulls, but no horns?)

Drama!

Italians!

And then there's the previously posted naked caged animal protesters of Louisiana if you're still not convinced the circus is evil.

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[image]

More Nude Rugby Calendar Dudes For The Holidays

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:42:00 GMT

We'll always blog about nude rugby players and their calendars, particularly if the calendars are a charitable endeavor...

In an age when young starlets take their clothes off in a surefire attempt at jump-starting their careers, we should be ignoring them and pay more attention to people like the men of the Gloucester and Westbury-on-Severn rugby squads, both of which agreed to pose for arty black-and-white pinup shots, with no monetary or career-boosting awards whatsoever.

Check out the two photos that have been sent out to the press. The first is of a Gloucester team member named Andy Hazell (any relation to Keeley?); the second, butt shots of the Westbury boys:

We have no idea where one might be able to purchase these calendars, so if you have that info, please pass it along and we'll share it here.

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Frenchmen Either Have the Biggest Dicks... or Are the Biggest Liars

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 16:56:00 GMT

The French claim to have the biggest dongs in Europe, stretching them out to an average of 6.1 inches, according to a very questionable new study.

And no one's questioning it more than the Greeks... those poor, poor things...

The Institute of Condom Consultancy, which has long been developing a spray-on condom, released a report today that found that the French buy the biggest condoms, which could mean they have the biggest dicks or-- hello, ICC, you idiots-- the French a) buy condoms that are too big for their own penises or b) they are liars. Or they do have the biggest dicks-- who knows? The only thing we do know is that the men of Greece are ready for a violent takeover of the ICC building, wherever that is.

Greek men reported (yes, you could self-report this survey-- who, clocking in at under a foot, wouldn't add an inch or two?) a measly 1.2 inch average for their wangs. But forget that for a second-- check out a line we liberated from the press release:

The study was conducted in order to educate young people about the need for effective contraception.

How in the hell does it do that? Weirdos.

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Thousands of Naked Japanese Men Reach For the Big Stick

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 21:12:00 GMT

In Saidaiji, Japan, the local men are forming groups consisting of loincloth-wearing friends and practicing chants in their garages. No, they aren't starting an Old School-style adult fraternity. They are gearing up for the annual Naked Man Festival, which is both better and more disappointing than its name applies.

After the jump: "Hadaka ni narimashou!" Which roughly translates to, "Let's get naked!"

According to one travel website, the festival reaches its climax at 11:59 on a cold February eve:

As midnight nears, the outside lights are cut off leaving just a yellow glow inside the temple showing hundreds of men in their white fundoshi, stretching their arms up to the Gods, waiting for the shingi to be dropped. [Via]

What is the shingi? It's a piece of wood that is supposed to bring the catcher, as well as his teammates, good luck for one year. In other words, thousands of naked men, crammed together in near darkness, wait breathlessly for a giant boner to be thrown their way. Hmmm...

There is a reason why it is called the naked man festival.

The man designated the “Spirit Man” is actually completely naked. There is a ritual performed prior to the start of the actual festival when he is stripped naked and completely shaven of ALL bodily hair. His task is to then walk from one end of the street to the shrine at the opposite end.

Of course to get there, he has to make his way through all that mass of other men in fundoshi (loin cloth) who are tossing water, possibly drunk from all that sake, and all struggling to touch the Spirit Man for good luck. So somewhere in that mass is one lone naked man being grabbed by a bunch of other men.

So yes, OMG, this is soooo gay is right. LOL. [Via]

Whatever. Just send us the hilarious video from this year's event, guys.

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A Sex Blogger That Doesn't Actually Like Your Sex Parts... At Least Not if You Work With Her

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 18:43:00 GMT

A "sex" blogger (in as much as we are sex bloggers, we guess) for the Washington City Paper is upset—we're talking 717 words of upset—over nude photographs taken of her co-workers. Mind you, the photos were published years ago, at another paper in another city, but she just can't seem to get the naked boys off of her mind. We, on the other hand, think the image is a pretty forgettable one and don't really get what all the stink is about.

She writes:

After finishing their tenure at Creative Loafing Tampa and graduating from Yale, Scheinman and Reed came to work at the Washington City Paper (Scheinman remains as CP’s Online Producer; Reed has since moved on to a Croc Fellowship at NPR). Before my new coworkers even arrived in the District, I heard tell of their cover-boy exploits down South, but I hadn’t actually set my eyes the cover until last week. When the newspaper was unceremoniously dumped in my cubicle, I approached the cover as I would the site of a terrible collision: Not knowing what else to do, I simply stared, wondering why the tears were not coming...

But while Scheinman and Reed were comfortable with their nude photo experience, I am not particularly comfortable with it. I generally am not opposed to the display of nude art in the workplace, but I do find saucy nude photographs of my co-workers moderately disturbing. I am not alone: In the aftermath of the issue, Warner wrote in a blog post, “the manager of a sports bar told us it was ‘inappropriate for a paper featuring naked boys on the cover to appear at a family establishment.’”

Or, you know, in your office environment. Scheinman and Reed’s essay, admittedly, is soaring:

They took a moment to look at us, lounging decadently in big, reclined patio chairs, sipping our drinks, smiling, feet up on the table, naked and spoiled as the day we were born, our cranberries dangling papally.

So soaring, in fact, that the image of papally dangling cranberries will forever be seared into my brain each time I approach our Online Producer with a modest question concerning our Web stats.

Even more unsettling is the inside photo. The second shot shows Reed and Scheinman, again naked, this time embracing an unidentified woman (also naked).
I may have just lost my naked lunch.

Am I right to be disturbed by this? Or is the nearly-naked coworker a sight we all must endure in the Internet age?

Ummm.... we think—especially given her job—she's over reacting. If one of our co-workers appeared naked on the cover of an alternative weekly, we'd get that cover printed on a t-shirt (a gray American Apparel t-shirt, of course) and wear it every day. Scanner Brian? Nicole?

Oh and you may be wondering how she even knew about the cranberries in question? Well, she did some investigating, that's how:

As with any unexplained tragedy, the image piqued my curiosity; I needed to know how and why this had happened.

Don't you know that curiosity killed the cat?

[The Sexist: Nude Co-Workers: Disturbing?]

The Town Of Valentine, Nebraska Is Under Attack From The Butt Bandit

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 18:12:00 GMT

They're literally calling him, in reputable print publications, "The Butt Bandit."

The unknown ass goblin has been terrorizing the town of Valentine (oh, man, this one's just writing itself) with all sorts of bizarre (and perverted?) attacks on local shops and residents.

Beginning more than a year ago, some man has been skipping from one business to another at night, pressing his naked behind - sometimes his groin, sometimes both - on windows. Store owners, church workers and school janitors have had to wash lotion and petroleum jelly off the windows he selects.

Ugh-- what is he doing with this lotion and petroleum jelly? Yes, he probably put it on himself so that he could leave an imprint on the glass... but why those two particular products? Oh. Wait, we already know the answer... and we really didn't want to know. We're all for public nudity, streaking, and being in touch with one's natural form. But we don't have to stand for somebody rubbing themselves all over the place, particularly if they've just had sex or jerked off. YUCK.

Valentine, in remote north-central Nebraska, promotes itself as "The Heart City." Downtown sidewalks are painted with hearts, and locals encourage people from around the country to send their Valentine's Day cards to the local post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.

"This is not normal behavior for Valentine," Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said. "It's not funny or something people want to be exposed to."

Actually, it's rather amusing when you think about it in the context of the town's name, but maybe not... after all, we're not the ones who have to deal with it.

Via Otago Daily Times. Photo via this link.

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Skinny Dip Sandwich Free To All Plungers

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 18:42:00 GMT

Three hungry people are in trouble with John Q. Law after taking a nude dive for a free "Skinny Dip Sandwich" outside the Greenville, Maine's Black Frog Restaurant...

Our first thoughts: They should probably call it the Jerk Chicken or the Pulled Pork Sandwich and include a Matzoh Ball soup...

Last weekend, three amigos in their 20s and 30s, two males and a female, in fact, entered the Black Frog and asked proprietor Leigh Turner if they could have the free Skinny Dip Sandwich. Turner told them, "Sure, just let me check with the 40 or 50 diners..."

Remarkably, they all said yes...

Of course, that never stopped party poopers like the Greenville Police, led by crusading Chief Scott MacMaster[bater!], who is making sure the trio get a court date next month. He said a lone family that just happened to be standing right right there

was offended and contacted police.

Whiners. They remind us of the one woman in Michigan or someplace who represented most of the complaints that led to all of Howard Stern's million-dollar fines. Hey Puritans-- suck on this NSFW!

...NSFW penises ahead!

Via WMTV.

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Painter Will Strip Your Wallpaper In The Buff

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:52:00 GMT

The aptly named Nick Male wants to paint your house or apartment in the nude. He offers "personalized service," "high quality worksmanship," and "interior and exterior work." Rarrrr...

That's what they said.

He's fully insured against any job related injury-- just like a hooker and her boobs! Seriously, any man who comes along promising high quality worksmanship, personalized service, and promises to work both your interior and exterior has got to be worth a tryout...

Male, 39, is all man: he spent almost two decades in dirty overalls before saying, you know what, there are plenty of British naturists who would love to have another naturist around painting their house so they don't have to cover up. He turned out to be right: business his booming, with almost all his clients practicing nudists. Of course, there are a few catches, as he told the Lincolnshire Echo:

"As soon as I arrive at a client's house I strip off. I don't feel embarrassed about it. I often get phone calls from people who think I offer other services. Women are worse than men with what they say. They're not very subtle. The only downside is that it can get a bit chilly, but most clients will put the heating on for me."

Women, not subtle? Hey buddy, they just want to know what they're getting. After all, it's not every day you hire someone to paint your house and they show up naked. Not everyone is hip to the nudist movement, not even a couple million years or so since the beginning of time...

For those of you who have "got with the program," Nick's site is here.

More about Nick here, in the local paper: Nude Male's Cheeky Way To Earn A Living.

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UPDATE: A Plethora of Penis Photos

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Our post on the Top 10 Most Famous Penises In Human History was met with some resistance-- where are all the penis pics? you asked.

They're all below... along with the sex scene from Tampopo, too, which we debated making #5 in our Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Food...

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Scanner Highs And Lows: Let's Protest Anyone Who Protests Packages & Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 21:02:00 GMT

We figure, what with all the topless women running around the site this week, we're going to offset it with some ridiculous Speedo action... and the following stories...

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole has figured out how to trap men. Luckily, this post didn't say anything about marriage...

A nationwide rally reminds us women are allowed to go bare-breasted in public in this country. As one reader put it, who besides Fred Phelps is dumb enough to disallow this behavior?

More naked Olympian dudes, please. And any excuse to show Daniel Radcliffe in the buff is fine by us.

We have no problem saying a repeat pervert harassing women at work deserves some pain-- unless he wants it, of course.

Michael Phelps, you may be awesome and you may be entitled to any mermaid you want, but stay away from the redhead who's in "The Little Mermaid" Broadway show, okay? We called dibs months ago.

And we celebrated the opening of the Erotic Heritage Museum, where this blog will hopefully end up someday...

LOWS:

This guy wants women to go topless... in his office. By the way: he's a married father of two and the women who wants to go topless are the teenage interns at his job as a New York State Assemblyman.

Googlers in Kentucky and Virginia are very interested in sex, but not the pretty kind, we don't think...

Floridians, meanwhile, are too concerned that a bigoted asshole gets away with his crimes to be Googling "lesbian sex."

We kinda wish these mean ol' debate coaches had overseen the lives of those "Spellbound" kids-- now that would be a movie!

This could also be a high point in our week-- the story of a couple that got tasered and jailed and their wedding night, then repeated the joyous experience the following evening.

Olympian Alain Baxter Trying To Get Himself More, Um, Exposure

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:07:00 GMT

Alain Baxter is a Scottish skier who won a Bronze in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. However, following a puff from a Vick's inhaler, which had traces of meth, a controversial decision by the IOC stripped him of that medal-- despite his having been cleared of wrongdoing.

Now, in a bid to raise his profile ahead of the 2010 games, he's going to streak down a mountain. Not really, but we do get a partially-nude photo from his calendar out of the deal...

According to the Scottish Sun, Baxter's

desperate for sponsors’ cash as he hits the comeback trail.
So the 34-year-old Superstars telly ace decided to "do a Beckham" by peeling off for his own nude fund-raising calender.
Last night Alain of Stirling, said: "I want to be on the podium in 2010 at the Winter Olympics. But I need help to continue my training."

Wife Sheila added: "I told Alain he needed more exposure and he took it literally."

Sheila also added, albeit not in the Sun story, that she thinks her husband is almost as good looking as David Beckham. Almost? Why, thanks, darling...

Anyway, what do you think? Better than Becks? And would you want to see more photos from this session, when and if we locate them?

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90-Year-Old Woman Served Lunch By Half-Naked Man (And It's Her Make-A-Wish Wish, Too)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Normally, the St. Austel nursing home gets "final" requests for things like a golf game or a visit from the grandkids-- you know, peaceful day trips ending with a beer. They usually don't get a request from their very elderly patients for male staff members to serve fish and chips without their clothes on...

An unnamed male staff member volunteered to serve 90-year-old patient, who also remains anonymous, a "Meal of the Day" at the inhouse restaurant. Did we mention he was dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron? She told a reporter for the BBC: "I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips served by the half naked man." No, problem, grandma... and next time, we'll be sure to drop trou... all the way... if you're up for it... because you kick serious ass, wrinkled or otherwise.

Although this is as far as the local reporter went in describing the events, we're pretty sure that, after a nap and some bingo, the party quickly took on this kind of vibe:

More via the BBC. Top photo via.

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The Top 5 Hollywood Players Who Did Porn

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 13:45:00 GMT

The Frisky has a new list out, this time running down ten former porn stars or porn makers who have gone on to bigger (though, in most cases, not at all better) things.

We narrowed the list to five for several reasons, including the fact that theirs includes actual current porn stars (Tracy Lords doesn't count either.) Although we didn't leave out #5... did you know about the kid from The Christmas Story?!

1. Sylvester Stallone: He did porn at 24 when there was not much more... he could've been doing, that is. (Sorry for that random Neil Young reference, "Old Man" is on our head right now.) "After the actor became famous, the movie was reedited and released as The Italian Stallion, of course."

2. Francis Ford Coppola: He hung on to the Godfather directing job by a thread-- what would've studio heads done to him if they'd found out he was a porn director, too?

3. Thora Birch: Her parents did porn, including her Dad, who was in Deep Throat. This one's cheating, although Birch has done some porn herself-- remember that scene in American Beauty?

4. Dita Von Teese: We already blew the lid off this one.

5. Scotty Schwartz: "Remember the kid in A Christmas Story who got his tongue stuck to a frozen pole? That kid was Scotty Schwartz, a child actor who grew up and, looking to change his image, starred in his own X-rated biopic: Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure. On set, he reported, 'I sank just about as fast as the Titanic.'” Poor bastard, but that's what he gets for doing what I told him expressly not to do with his tongue.

Don't forget Burt Reynolds, who did that nude pictoral in Cosmo. Yes, kids, back in the day, Cosmo wasn't just about terrible advice... it actually had hot naked dudes... in their prime!

Via the Frisky.

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