Scanner : nakedness

Sloppy Seconds: Crazy Baby Lady Has One Less Mouth to Feed

Emily Farris — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 00:17:00 GMT

Now we officially want to punch the economy in the vagina (sorry, the vulva). Beloved Chicago label Touch and Go Records is shutting down distribution. [Pitchfork]

Even Madonna is co-opting vampire culture. Apparently she wants a role in New Moon, the sequel to Twilight. [AfterEllen]

Taylor Swift would like you to not picture her naked. And we would like you to not think about a neon-green dildo. [Us]

Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen are engaged. We were unaware they were dating. [People]

All you men who don't understand why average women are so insecure about our looks: even Dita Von Teese has self-esteem issues. Thank you, society. (It should be noted that moments before we saw this item we were thinking about how terribly beady our eyes looked without eye make-up). [FadedYouth]

Roman Polanski is not off the hook yet. A judge in Los Angeles refused to dismiss the 31-year-old sex case against the director because he's a fugitive. This, Mr. Polanski, is what you get for running away from your problems. But, the judge said he might reconsider if Runaway Roman returns to the US. We suspect this might be a trick. [Yahoo!]

The Crazy Baby Lady, otherwise known as Nadya Suleman, has lost her publicist. The Killeen Furtney Group was representing Suleman for free, but decided to quit after receiving death threats via email and voicemail. [Snafu-ed]

Related:

Wannabe Vampires Are Totally Pissing Off Real Vampires

From the Archives: 10 Reasons the Recession Will Rock Your Love Life

Crazy Baby Lady Skips Welfare, Goes Straight to TV

A Naked Man Attacked A Woman and All We Got Was This Lousy Headline

Emily Farris — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:43:00 GMT

"Naked man attacks woman." You think with a headline like that the story would be full of juicy, scandalous tidbits, no?

No.

A naked man has attacked a woman in a city street.

The incident happened in Stuart Road, Plymouth, Devon, as the woman in her 20s was walking.

"She was grabbed from behind by a naked man," said a Devon and Cornwall police spokesman. "Although not physically injured, the victim was very shaken by the attack."

We're glad she's okay, but that's the entire story? Seems so on every single news outlet we checked.

Oh wait, the BBC gave us a tad bit more information.

[Image]

Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults

Emily Farris — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:29:00 GMT

As George Bernard Shaw so famously said, "Youth is wasted on the young." We wouldn't have believed it when we were kids, because we wanted nothing more than to be grown ups who could do whatever we wanted. Guess what? Doing whatever we want sometimes sucks, especially when doing whatever we want involves not paying our bills on time or going three years without a visit to the dentist.

Ah, what we wouldn't give now for a strict bed time and some fish sticks — two of the Top 10 Childish Things We Wish We Could Get Away With as Adults.

10. Going to summer camp.

Is there anything more exciting for a kid than going away to summer camp for the first time? For most kids, it's the first time they spend extended periods away from their parents and for us, it was when we learned the most about ourselves as young people. Luckily, we still go back as counselors (yes, Scanner Emily is quite possibly the oldest camp counselor in the history of the world) every summer and run the journalism department at a camp for the fine and technical arts. We have to hold on to our youth somehow, right?

9. Eating fish sticks for dinner, and that being okay.

How can anyone not love fish sticks? They're like fish 'n chips minus the chips and the sexy British accent. Sure, they come from the freezer section, but they're fucking delicious. All that breading would probably make us fat if we consumed as many as we did when we were kids, though. And you'd probably laugh at us.

8. Going to bed at 8:30.

We can only dream of going to bed at 8:30 when we finally go to bed at 3 a.m. after getting most — but not all — of our work done for the day.

7. Going to the doctor and never seeing a bill.

We used to think the doctor took care of us because he wanted us to get better, not because he wanted a new car. Now we have to truly believe we're on our death bed or be absolutely certain a bone is broken before we'd even consider getting within 500 feet of a medical professional, lest we want to default on our student loans (which brings us to an honorable mention: free school).

6. Picking our noses.

Sometimes there's just one you have to get. Definitely loses all charm when an adult does it.

5. Being applauded for everything.

When was the last time someone clapped when you pooped in the toilet?

4. Bursting into tears when we don't get what we want.

Not that we haven't cried over unrequited love, lost apartments or plane tickets that doubled in price over night, forcing us to cancel our vacations, but it's not the same when Dad isn't there to comfort us and give us our first lesson in personal finance while explaining that he just doesn't have the money for that Shetland pony we were so, so in love with.

3. Running around the yard naked.

Not only would this require a yard, it would require us to have the self confidence to actually run while naked. There are so many things wrong with that picture we won't even begin to go there.

2. Believing our parents are immortal.

1. Asking random boys to show us their penises.

The "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" line only works until about 11. Then you're expected to do more. But we could have saved ourselves a lot of disappointment in our teens and early twenties had we been able to check out the goods before committing to any physical contact.