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So Wrong it's Beautiful: Zach Galifinakis Interviews Natalie Portman

Colleen Kane — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:02:00 GMT

Our former Bearded Man of the Week, Zach Galifinakis, has nailed it in the latest of his "Between Two Ferns" celebrity interview series for Funny or Die. This time around he's interviewing acteress Natalie Portman. This super-awkward, super-inappropriate interview is perfectly executed and truly a thing of beauty. What makes the pairing so much better is Natalie, who seems like a old-fashioned graceful adult among the oversized children of today.

We don't want to give anything away, but Zach does compare his own manhood to that of Whiz, Natalie's dog. Won't you watch it with us? We need to watch it again...

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Bravo to Zach & Natalie.

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Who Would You Rather, Boleyn Girls Edition: Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome Worse than Celibacy, Death, or Sex with Zach Braff?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 19:29:00 GMT

The top story on MSNBC right now: "US Home Prices Slide By 19%, Sharpest Decline on Record." The most-read story, though: "11 Baffling Medical Conditions," which the page on Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome leading the charge.

Before you get all excited about catching this illness, wait till you read about the symptoms...

While PSAS sounds like it could revive a floundering sex life, it's more likely to drive you batty first.

However, for the women who experience PSAS -- which causes them to live perpetually at the brink of orgasm -- the condition is a nightmarish curse. And up until 2001, it was a curse that didn't even have a name.

Relief from the condition is often as elusive as sympathy. The sensations, which are not brought about by fantasies or other sexual thoughts, are often only partially relieved through orgasm. For some women, even sex does not help quell their arousal, and on occasion can even make the sensations worse.

"To me this is a sickness," [Heather] Dearmon [a 34-year-old South Carolina woman] said. "This is not, it's not something we've chosen. ... I would rather never have another orgasm in my life for the rest of my life than to have this problem." [MSNBC]

Since so few women are willing to come forward, research and progress on developing a cure has never really gone anywhere. You have to wonder how many women are out there, perpetually on the brink of orgasm, and suffering quietly through work, carpools, drinks with friends, and so on...

Photo via Babble. By the way, we chose that photo because it was the first one that came up in Google Image when we searched for "persistent sexual arousal syndrome."

How To Tell If She's Faking It, By An Orgasm Faker

I Need Whiskey Flavored Condoms Like I Need a Hole in My Head

Meet the Orgasm Coach

While You Were Sleeping: Miley Cyrus Hacked

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Bristol Palin spoke out and admitted she was unprepared for motherhood.

What does the first female minister mean for Saudi Arabia?

After weeks of media obsession, prosecutor's zeal, and ridiculous wastes of energy, Michael Phelps is not going to be charged with possession of anything.

These Valentine's Day secrets are actually heartbreaking.

With all these bird attacks on airplanes, you gotta wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer is working on a remake of that Hitchcock movie yet.

Some guy bought a phone containing numbers for Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, and Natalie Portman on ebay. Yep, that's about it-- and no, he didn't share them with us.

Like we said, Lily Allen is often annoying.

Somebody hacked Miley Cyrus. Of course, seeing as it was Twitter, they wrote a bunch of nonsense and wasted our time.

Lily Allen "Snogged Lesbian Twins"

Lily Allen Invents Another Use for Google

While You Were Sleeping: Lily Allen in the Fight of Her Life

Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Yes, we know, not only was 2007, like, ages ago but we already did a Best of 2008 list.

Well, that one was a smash success and you know how we enjoy sequels... let's touch on the best scenes of last year for other reasons as well: Unlike the 2008 list, every one of these films is available to rent in the United States and, well, the sex is way hotter. For God's sake-- Lust/Caution is borderline XXX... and we have to scenes from it here:

5 & 4. Lust/Caution. Ang Lee followed up 2006's Gay Sex Movie Brokeback Mountain with an NC-17 dud that features Tony Leung and Tang Wei tearing each other apart, almost literally. Here are two back-to-back sex scenes that kept us from turning the epic off about halfway through...

3. Hotel Chevalier (a short film/outtake from The Darjeeling Limited.) Natalie Portman has said she regrets doing this scene. That's not because her ass doesn't look spectacular in it or anything-- more likely, her complaint is due to Wes Anderson cutting her entire appearance from the print and letting dudes all over the world download it for free from iTunes.

Natalie Portman Nude

2. We Own The Night. Already long forgotten, this Joaquin Phoenix-led ensemble drama featured a brief Eva Mendes sex scene early on. The only reason to watch this movie? Eva Mendes. The only reason to watch a sex scene this short and dull? Eva Mendes.

1. Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. A ridiculously and rather overrated heist pic, this one piles on the implausible twists from beginning to end, opening with the most implausable of all: Philip Seymour Hoffman giving it to Marisa Tomei doggystyle. Same with #2-- this movie wouldn't be the same without Tomei...

If that doesn't work you, try our Honorable Mention, also from BTDKYD. It's a nude scene, with the sex having happened earlier, but it's worth watching nonetheless:

Related:

Top 5 Susan Sarandon Sex Scenes

More Olga Kurylenko Nude Photos Surface

Hot or Not: Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler

Eliza Dushku Set For Fame Thanks To This Sex Scene

Top 5 Nude Scenes of 2008

Natalie Portman & Rashida Jones Issue A Sobering Holiday Message

Colleen Kane — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:21:00 GMT

We are knee-deep in that magical time of year when we reflect about the true meaning of Christmas, and maybe there really IS a Santa after all, and that Christmas comes but once a year, and dreidel dreidel dreidel made of clay, and so on.

Natalie Portman and Rashida Jones have another message of grave importance to contribute at this contemplative time, and you can watch it after the jump.

NATALIE PORTMAN & RASHIDA JONES Speak Out Once More by Natalie Portman

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Who Would You Rather, Boleyn Girls Edition: Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton's Pussy Cat, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman Talk Politics, Ethan Hawke's Belly, Porn and Snow

Image: aceshowbiz.com

While You Were Sleeping: When MySpace Attacks...

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:52:00 GMT

An eldery woman in Evanston, Illinois couldn't bear to part with her three siblings after their deaths. Turns out, she decided to keep their bodies in her home...and got away with it for a quarter of a century.

Natalie Portman was kinda wasted on the Letterman show the other night.

One of our favorite country music legends has lung cancer...

Country singer Merle Haggard, recently diagnosed with lung cancer, had part of a lung removed and is recovering at home, his spokeswoman said on Sunday. [Yahoo!]

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson... not totally broken up?

As if MySpace wasn't going downhill already: now it's censoring one of the only pages anyone would ever actually sign in to MySpace to read.

A nationwide protest of California's Proposition 8 will take place on Saturday the 15th. Do not miss this.

And Nicole Kidman is playing "the world's first post-op transsexual," who is married to a woman played by "Charlize Theron." Yum.

Related:

How The World Watches Porn Now

Top 5 Sex Scenes Featuring Nicole Kidman

Top 5 Sex Scenes From "Chick Flicks"

Sloppy Seconds: Charlie Sheen Denies Enjoying Endless Lapdances

Top 5 Sex Scenes From Comedies

Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Get Scurrred

While You Were Sleeping: Will Smith's Milestone

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Poor Natalie Portman. She moved from New York to LA to be with Devendra Banhart, only to see the relationship fall apart.

Check out the full clip of John McCain turning Letterman down yesterday to "rush back to Washington"... and ending up on another CBS show.

We thought about not telling you about this one...

A man who woke up from a circumcision procedure to discover his penis had been cut off is suing doctors.
Philip Seaton went to be circumcised at a hospital in Louisville, Kentucky last October, but awoke to find his penis had been amputated.
He also said he has lost the enjoyment of life, according to the lawsuit.

Some of our readers don't enjoy the comedy of Wanda Sykes. They obviously didn't see her on Leno the other night.

Philadelphia exploded a suspicious package... of hot dogs.

The serial killer who bumped off approximately 23 people, many of them gay men, in the parishes of southern Louisiana was sentenced to eight consecutive life terms.

Can you believe that Will Smith turns 40 today?

And Jenna Jameson is pregnant with twins. And no, the father is not some random co-star, okay?

Teen Sex Most Popular In Kentucky... And Other Global Sex Trends

Ex-Candidate For Kentucky Gov. Arrested For Sex Offenses After Obvious Joke

This Week In Gayness: Discriminated By McDonald's

Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Jenna Jameson: The Next PETA Pin-Up

Video of the Day: 21 Accents

Emily Farris — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:12:00 GMT

Aspiring actress Amy Walker introduces herself in 21 different accents from Czech to Cockney to 1940's Transatlantic. We were almost skeptical of a few of the Southern accents, but sometimes we can hardly believe that people who are actually from the South talk like they do. Overall, very impressive, considering she does all this in under three minutes.

So after hearing all that, where do you think she's really from?

Seattle.

Somebody hire this girl. She's just as cute as Natalie Portman and her English accent is so, so, so much better.

(Note: We still heart V for Vendetta very, very much)

[via Very Short List]

We'd Give Our Left Nut for a Seat on R. Kelly's Jury, If We Had Nuts

Emily Farris — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:22:00 GMT

Jury selection began for R. Kelly's child pornography case Friday and continues today, and if we had nuts, we'd give our left one for one of those twelve seats. Maybe Scanner Brian or Scanner Bryan would give Scanner Emily a nut so she could sit on the jury? Guys?

Anyway, Kelly's high profile case is obviously making jury selection tough, and as the wise folks at MTV noted, can there possibly be a group of 12 men and women in Chicago who are impartial enough to give the singer a fair trial?

"You either have to say, 'R. Kelly can never get a fair trial here,' or 'R. Kelly can get a fair trial, given the continuing publicity,' " said California defense attorney Steve Cron. "Because when will you ever not have some publicity? It's never going to go away."

Since Kelly is one of Chicago's favorite sons, it's going to be difficult for either side to find anyone unfamiliar with the case. They'd have to be "living under a rock," said Cron, who defended comedian Paula Poundstone on charges of lewd acts on a minor. What they can hope for, however, is to find potential jurors who have not yet made up their mind. Legal experts agree that there really is no such thing as an impartial jury — that every prospective juror brings to the table his or her own biases. The question then becomes: What kind of jurors would each side want? It's not quite as black-and-white as you might think.

"What makes for good TV is if we say, 'We want black,' 'We want white,' 'We want men,' 'We want women,' " Chicago jury consultant and defense attorney Paul Lisnek said. "And those factors do come into play, but what we have to look at is life experience. That's what's going to influence the way they respond to the evidence in the case, not just whether they are of one race or one religion or another. The bottom line is, cases like this trigger certain underlying issues, deep issues about racial prejudice and underage sexual relations."

What if we looked at this a different way? A jury is supposed to be a panel of "peers," right? So what if the jury was made up of celebrities? Paula Poundstone who's been through this before? Maybe a star who's never been in trouble with the law, like Natalie Portman? Lilo? Jamie Lynn Spears if she was old enough to serve jury duty? To keep it balanced would Nancy Grace have sit in?

If you could choose a celebrity jury for R. Kelly, what 12 stars would you choose?

May Scarlett and Natalie Reign Forever

Bryan Christian — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Are we nearing the end of the Scarlett/Natalie World Tour 2008? Perhaps. That Boleyn movie isn't exactly tearing up the charts. But there are few new developments, and we missed a couple of things the first time around, so here ya go.

1) They totally kissed in Berlin. But then, who doesn't go a little gay in Berlin, right?

2) A date with Scarlett is currently up for bid on Ebay, benefitting OxFam. We know; we need a raise, too.

3) Natalie likes Scarlett's boobs almost as much as Issac Mizrahi did.

4) No word yet from Scarlett on Natalie's body. Scarlett, we got a copy of Hotel Chevalier with your name on it, just give us a call.

5) Actually, can we go back to that Natalie interview for a sec? There's something else there you might find interesting. Besides referring to her and Scarlett as "the Hot Knishes," and revealing that her favorite co-star ever was erudite British comedian and former Hugh Laurie cohort Stephen Fry, Natalie lays this one on us:

“My Hallowe’en costume the last year of high school was a hooker,” she admits. An elegant, gamine hooker? “No,” she laughs, tea dripping onto her cashmere. “Just a hooker, with lots of bad make-up.“

Hey, is there an emoticon for having a tiny aneurysm?

Scanner Highs and Lows: A Whole Lotta Love

Emily Farris — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 21:48:00 GMT

We were full of love at Scanner this week. And, really, how could we not be?

Highs:

We fell in love with Oscar winner and hottie Marion Cotillard.

We declared our love for Javier Bordem, who did not win the Oscar.

Do Scanner readers love brains more than boobs?

Whether we have reason to be freaked out by birth control pills that make our periods go away for long periods of time, we're holding onto our right to be freaked out by them. Even if a few readers disagree. Also, we're highly amused by SNL skits starring Tina Fey, especially if they concern said birth control pills.

We started a campaign to recruit Tina Fey for Oscars' host in 2009... because we love her.

Lows:

We admitted, yet again, to loving "Sex and the City," and probably lost some friends for it, yet again.

A seven-year-old took crack to school. And no, he wasn't related to us.

Ginnifer Flowers came back into our lives.

Zubas. Back. Nuff said.

We learned that trying to create the perfect woman ends in disaster. Freaky, scary disaster.

We may be shuffling Prince off to the retirement home soon.

[Image via]

Sloppy Seconds: Was Amy Winehouse Ever on The Wagon?

Emily Farris — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 21:53:00 GMT

Was Amy Winehouse really ever on the wagon? If she was, she's off now.

Two doctors are being questioned in the investigation of Heath Ledger's "accidental overdose."

Dudes, next time you travel to Italy, don't grab your crotch in public. It's the law!

The Boleyn Girls—Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman—did some booty dancing in costume on the set.

Jessica Simpson will entertain the troops in Kuwait.

The Results Are In: Who Would You Rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Emily Farris — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 15:33:00 GMT

Earlier this week, we asked which Boleyn Girl you'd rather, Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman. As most of you are aware, one is known for her boobs, and the other for her brains (not that we think one is smarter, we're just stating what they're known for), and that factored into the question. You turned out in record numbers to vote, and we have to say we're surprised that as of around 10 this morning, one Boleyn Girl got nearly twice as many votes as the other. So, the Boleyn Girl you'd rather do is...

Natalie Portman.

See the comments and results here.

Who Would You Rather, Boleyn Girls Edition: Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Emily Farris — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 17:38:00 GMT

This is the moment of truth, ladies and gentlemen: boobs or brains?

Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman star alongside each other as sisters vying for the affections of King Henry VIII in "The Other Boleyn Girl." And we know one of the actresses is known for her boobs, among her many talents, and the other is known for her brains, among her many talents. So, which Boleyn Girl would you rather? Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman?

Celebrities Make Us Feel Better About Our High School Obsession With Manic Panic

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 21:00:00 GMT

Whoa. Who put clothes on these ponies? The celebrity yearbook photos at AfterEllen prove that even dynamite Hollywood stars had some mirror-cracking ugly duckling phases. But for real shock and terror, check out this snap:

Can you defend this mess? Speak now, or forever acknowledge that this woman is an overrated chipmunk.

Sloppy Seconds: Paris Hilton's Pussy Cat, Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman Talk Politics, Ethan Hawke's Belly, Porn and Snow

Emily Farris — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 21:58:00 GMT

Paris Hilton left her pussy cat at the vet, and now they don't want to give it back.

Scarlett Jonansson and Natalie Portman talk monogamy and politics in W. We're not at all digging the cover and we're more than a little surprised that the Fug Girls haven't Fuged it yet.

We're trying to remember if we ever had a crush on Ethan Hawke, and we think that we probably did not (and we dig dudes with bellies).

Where do you hide your porn? We have an ex that hid his under "baseball."

And New Yorkers, you're not going to let a little snow come between you and the ones you love tonight, are you?

Lucy Liu Did Vampire Lesbian Nude and No One Told Us?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:12:00 GMT

Mr. Skin has released its Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2007, which, while fairly tacky in its execution (um, "seat meat"?) is at least a good compendium of non-porn, non-dude (sorry!) nude for the year, should you be in the market for such a thing. Sienna Miller, Marisa Tomei, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, UK ladmag sensation Keeley Hazell, and a couple of O.C. alums make the cut, as does Scanner Sarah's fave Lust, Caution. Our thoughts?

Hold up, wasn't 300, like, one big nude scene? Or did we just fall asleep?

Do we really have to "look past the gore" of Hostel II "to revel in the fact that [Heather Matarazzo] grew up to look howlingly hot in the buff?" Really?

Also, isn't Ashley Judd in Bug, like, a paranoid speed freak? What is with you people?

What, no Golden Compass?