Scanner : nerdiness unrestrained

Introducing Every Rush Nerd's Dream Bride

Colleen Kane — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 20:21:00 GMT

Just try talking to a Rush fan without getting an earful about their drummer Neil Peart. Just try! Rush fans love him so much they want to marry him. Well, now they can! Kind of. Not really.

What follows is a video of a young lady rocking the drums to the Rush instrumental "YYZ." And she's a cute little Asian girl, to boot. But she is only 13, which makes her a good quarter century younger than the average Rush fan. Maybe it would be better to suggest her as a role model for your daughters.

You are welcome. You can thank me by cutting off any remaining mullets you are still hanging on to out there.

Signed, the younger sister of a drumming Rush fanatic and sister-in-law of another Rush superfan (both formerly mulleted).

Microchip To Make Sex Fiends, Nerds Out of All of Us

"Calling All Punctuation Nerds!" Come Hate on Unnecessary Quotation Marks

Via BoingBoing

Wil Wheaton's Greatest Hits

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 20:54:00 GMT

Wil Wheaton says, "Don't be a dick!"

Wil Wheaton is in exile. Since going into "exile" on Typepad, he's been blogging his ass off, keeping internet nerds and other trolls relentlessly entertained. God bless him-- he's a charming ol' bastard (yes, child stars do grow up and become "middle aged." Witness the recent, hideous NKOTB reunion tour.) Running through his latest and greatest posts, we've presented a "Wil Wheaton Reader" of sorts:

-"It's funny you should ask," I said. "That's an illusion. You're actually fighting a level 18 Squidzilla."

-From a video he shared on fish deboning: "The wonder boner! My wife would like that."

-Regarding his new audiobook: "How long is it?" You say? "That's what she said!" I reply.

-Regarding the death of Majel Roddenbery, the wife of the creator of Star Trek: Since we got the news yesterday, a lot of people have asked me if I can tell a story as a way to remember her. I've dug around in the attic of my mind for hours, and the best I can do is: We always had fun when we were working on Next Generation, but when Majel was on the set, it was a party.

-On the possible Screen Actors Guild Strike: For the SAG board to even consider voluntarily stopping work when we're falling deeper and deeper into the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression isn't just stupid, it's recklessly irresponsible. SAG needs to face the reality we're stuck with: AFTRA sold us out. AFTRA fucked all actors everywhere by negotiating with the AMPTP on their own and agreeing to shockingly horrible terms. The AFTRA negotiators failed all actors, whether they're currently SAG, currently AFTRA, or are still hoping to join. Those "negotiators" should be ashamed of themselves, and they shouldn't be allowed in the same building as a contract ever again.

-Here's another one we agree with wholeheartedly: When I get stuck on anything, I go for a walk. When I get really stuck, I go for a drive, and then take a walk when I get to wherever I end up. I may not come home with lots of ideas, but I always come home with at least one. I also never know when something's going to strike me, which is why I always carry a little notebook and pen in my pocket when I leave the house. [pause] Man, I want to write a Cthulhu story now.

-"The thing is, my kids aren't especially interested in a serious Battletech fight ("When do we get to fight each other?" "Just as soon as we finish building our Mechs." "But we've been doing that for an hour!" "I know! We have to make sure they're just right ..."), and my wife glazes over every time I try to explain how awesome Illuminati is. ("AHAHAHAA! The FBI took over the Convenience Stores with help from Congressional Wives and Nuclear Power Companies! Hey, where are you going? Well, if you walk away from the table I'm just going to take your money and put it on my power structure. Why do you have your car keys? Honey? Hello?")"

-"You're a clever one, you are." "Not as clever as you think!" The dog said.

-"I do this silly thing on Twitter where I make up conversations with iTunes."

-And finally, regarding Comicons: "We can invade a hotel for a weekend, pretend it's like the cereal convention in Sandman, and recover enough hit points to survive our real lives until the next one."

Ah, real life-- who needs it with these blog posts? By the way, if you like the WWdN: Greatest Hits Collection, you should know that this is only a compendium of the best of December. Check the archives for more goodies...

Via Wil Wheaton's blog.

Against Your Wil (Wheaton)

SuicideGirls.com Lays Off Bloggers, Including Ensign Wesley Crusher

Microchip To Make Sex Fiends, Nerds Out of All of Us

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Are you one of those people who doesn't derive any pleasure from sex and/or eating?

Oxford University is all set to provide eyesight to your romantic blindness...

The chip works by sending tiny shocks from implanted electrodes in the brain.

The technology has been used in the United States to treat Parkinson's disease.

But in recent months scientists have been focusing on the area of the brain just behind the eyes known as the orbitofrontal cortex - this is associated with feelings of pleasure derived from eating and sex.

It turns out, a scientist implanted a microchip in the brain of a woman who doesn't enjoy sex and made a wild, insatiable beast of her.

A research survey conducted by Morten Kringelbach, senior fellow at Oxford University's department of psychiatry, found the orbitofrontal cortex could be a "new stimulation target" to help people suffering from anhedonia, an inability to experience pleasure from such activities. His findings are reported in the Nature Reviews Neuroscience journal.

There you have it, ladies, soon penis size won't matter, because you'll be pre-programmed to enjoy any stimulation whatsoever. Welcome to Stepford....

Via the Telegraph.

Related:

9-Year-Old Boy Teaches You How To Pick Up Girls

Hey Ladies: This Is Why You Aren't Enjoying Sex...

The One Way You Never Thought You'd Have An Orgasm

The Halo Wedding: More Pathetic Than the Second Life Divorce?

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:31:00 GMT

These two appear harmless, right?

Nope. They are having a violent video game wedding, goddamn it....

SickInDeHead and Psycho Vandal, known as Desirai Labrada, 29, and John Henry, 26 on their birth certificates and to their two remaining life-form friends, are getting married after three years of, um, dating. Turns out they met online... while playing Halo. MTV has the scoop on these Florida kooks:

They played "Halo" as teammates. As they were falling in love, they tended to back each other up a lot, watching each other's back as lasers and grenades fell around them. And in an act of sacrifice only possible during a blossoming romance, Desirai agreed to take Dramamine so she could last through three-hour binges of campaign mode on "Halo 3" with John without getting motion sickness.

Awww shitballs. Then there's the whole they-hadn't-even-met-yet thing. Oh yeah, it gets better:

" 'Wouldn't it be cool if people at my wedding could play games?' " Desirai remembered thinking. "I kept coming up with ideas of how I could bring 'Halo' into it."

No, it wouldn't, particularly since XBox doesn't have WiiSports or even Goldeneye, the only two games your guests will want to play. We wish them luck... and since it's the end of the day on Friday, we'll reserve further comment on these two lovebirds.

Via MTV.

Sloppy Seconds: Even Winning 'American Idol' Won't Help You in this Economy

Vicar Happened to Be Naked When He Fell On the Potato... With His Ass

This Week in Gayness: Gotta Love Them Bathhouses

Video of the Day: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at Comic-Con

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 13:20:00 GMT

Comic Con has fallen into exactly the same trap as Sundance: a festival that was formerly to celebrate one, somewhat holy, cultish thing. At Sundance, it was the independent film roster, shown by their makers and a skeleton crew from the cast and production. At Comic Con, it used to be the fans meeting their heroes and that was that.

Now, they've both turned into little more than corporate mega-productions, advertising the next year's slate of garbage.

Thankfully, we have Triump the Insult Comic Dog to save us. Although he can often be a mean little bastard (or, shall we say, Robert Smigel can be a mean little bastard), Triumph is always worth checking out. Apparently, NBC.com has the full video of the speech seen towards the end of this clip. Let us know if you think it's worth watching-- we're too lazy to get around to it right now...

Related:

Conan O'Brien's Priest Stalker A Lot Creepier Than the Horny Manatee

Conan O'Brien: Funny "Ha Ha" or Funny "Please Stop"?

Funniest, Most Cringe-Worthy Video of the Day

Call Us When They Get To She-Hulk!

We Saw The Dark Knight In A Cavernous Movie Theater, During The Dead Of Night

Unfunny Hipster Who Couldn't Get Through "Weekend Update" Competently To Replace Conan O'F*cking Brien

Scanner Highs And Lows: Nudie Shoot City

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 22:02:00 GMT

This week we welcomed Verena Von Pfetten to the Scanner fold, although this photo and caption has nothing to do with nudie shoots or this post.

There were a couple of nude photos, including rugby players and supermodels, but more memorably... there were animal sex photos!

HIGHS:

Scanner Nicole may have found the love of her life. A few readers will be fighting her for him, for sure.

We found some gay animals. Better yet-- we found pictures of gay animals fucking!

We took it from behind while playing Super Mario Bros.

A porn star solved the Catholic crisis.

A whole shitload of British tourists were busted after an oral sex contest went so, so right.

We fawned over the greatest pet story ever told.

Mischa Barton almost looked kind of hot (sort of) in her latest almost-nude attempt at relevance.

LOWS:

We dug some mispellings. Not just in our posts-- in tatoos!

Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel broke up. Should this one be in the "Highs?"

Officer Dick would fine Gisele Bundchen for her droopy pants. Although we're not going to stop her from taking these photos.

We found that 63% women have been unnecessarily groped on the subway. We would put "getting jizzed on" under "unnecessary" as well.

Sienna Miller stole a husband... and our hearts. Well, not really, she just kind of rubbed us the wrong way while going topless.

We were disappointed British lesbians did not pick Susan Sarandon as their "dream date." However, the winner is still pretty tantalizing at 62.

And the self-proclaimed "World's Greatest Dad" was arrested. Wanna guess what he's in for?

"Just a Fun Loving Nerd!!!" and Just the Man for Us!

Nicole Pasulka — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:44:00 GMT

Do you like Bazooka Joe gum and Transformers? Do you like Bazooka Joe gum, Transformers and are not a 10-year-old living in the year 1989?

Well in that case, this fun-loving nerd looking for a "buddy" on Tulsa Craigslist, would like to become acquainted with you. Despite being very much a nerd, we need to put the sass aside and point out that he seems like a pretty sweet guy. In his words:

Im a thoughtful person who always thinks of others before himself. If I was in a relationship and I was reading the Sunday paper and happened to stumble upon a coupon for my partners favorite make-up , I would cut it out attach it to a sticky note and write,¨ thought I would save you money babe¨ and put it in her purse.

See--very thoughtful and spontaneous. Oh, and by the way, he's totally jacked!

Yeah that's what we thought. Get in line ladies and bring your Smurfs PVCs.

Harry Potter Rock Stars Adorably Nerdtastic

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:46:00 GMT

These Wrockstockers are so endearingly nerdy, we may just marry them in a Wiccan ceremony presided over by Dumbledore and go on to have little Mugwumps for children, but only so long as they haven't picked up any Hogwarts along the way.

Seriously, if you live in New York, Green Bay, or Chicago, look out for book dorks rampaging on the countryside this summer...

Apparently, the duo is part of some sort of "wizard rock" music cult that is sweeping the nation, threatening the very Christian cult values we hold dear. Look at them-- they are clearly rebellious Catholic schoolgirl types, in ties and Converse sneakers, probably smoking Mary Janes and eating unsanctioned rice cakes between classes.

Too late now-- they're both in college on the East Coast and have a CD coming out next week. Lord Almighty, there is no stopping these, lest He Who Must Not Be Named comes back and smites them down. And let's hope not-- 'cause, in all seriousness, these girls rule. Check out their songs on MySpace-- we're loving "I Was There" and "Transparent." It's like the Moldy Peaches, with a way more impressive repertoire and only ten dollars more of a recording budget.

We plan on being the first Harry Potter lookalikes in line to try to sneak backstage and try to impress them with our JK jive and black-and-white shoes. (There are going to be other bands, apparently 14 more, at these Wrockstocks, whatever that means, including Harry and the Potters, but the Myrtles are the real draw on the below dates...)

Jul 10 2008

8:00P

Portus 2008

Dallas, Texas

Jul 18 2008

7:00P

Barnes and Noble HP Mourning Party with Liane Graham

Bridgewater, New Jersey

Aug 6 2008

12:00P

Hilton Chicago Hotel for Wrock Chicago at Terminus!

Chicago, Illinois

Aug 17 2008

8:00P

TBA

Somewhere, Pennsylvania

Aug 23 2008

12:00P

Wrock for Darfur! in Waryas Park

Poughkeepsie, New York

Sep 21 2008

1:00P

NYC Wizard Rock Festival!

Brooklyn, New Yor

Via Honolulu Advertiser.

Sock It To Me

Steve McKay — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:00 GMT

Sock monkeys are cute, and when you cuddle them you forget all about the crushing pain of loneliness. They’ve got nice, big, smiley red lips and their arms and legs look a bit like dinkies… and sometimes even their dinkies look like dinkies. Check out this big fella.

He’s 6 feet tall and, as you can see, is anatomically correct. Creater Monika Lidman explains:

“Over the years, I’ve crafted dozens of sock monkeys— always making sure that they were anatomically correct. Cute as they were, I dreamt of something bigger.”

Mission accomplished. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, perhaps you’d prefer something a little less subtle?

We're not sure that this actually counts as anatomically correct, but those are definitely supposed to be boobs and a va-jayjay.

Leggo My Beghilos!

Steve McKay — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 21:39:00 GMT

You can keep your fancy animated emoticons of flashy floppity breasts and happy faces that give you the finger. We're keepin’ it real and kickin’ it old school with Beghilos. Remember back when calculators were tangible entities that existed outside of laptops and cell phones? Well remember when you used to type in 5318008 and when you turned it over it said “BOOBIES” and you would laugh your head off? Well that’s how we're gonna roll from now on. And it’s not just for swears. Check out this list of 250 Calculator-spellable words. These German's have even developed software that emulates an upside down calculator. Wunderbar!

Sexy Elves Help Loosen Flies on the World Wide Web

Steve McKay — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:52:00 GMT

You know when you use Google image search and an unrelated image not only catches your eye, but makes it cry a little? We love that. We all love that. Especially when it leads us to places like the page ElfQuest Inspired Erotic Pictures.

Okay, so we all know that once you hit a certain age you realize that all of those stupid social-class divisions that seemed so all-important in high school start melting away and we accept people for who they are. It’s called growing up. And before long you forget that those stupid divisions where even there in the first place.

We're fine with that. No problem.

But this guy has a web site filled with really bad sketches of naked elves giving blowjobs and being otherwise sexually exploited. These aren’t just any old elves either; these are specific elf characters from a specific role-playing game. And this guy isn’t even Japanese.

What do you want us to say here? Break out them wet towels boys…time to tune up a nerd.

Just kidding jocks…joke's on you! Nerds are cool now and elves are hot!

Moff Diving into the Diary of Grand Moff Tarkin

Steve McKay — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:22:00 GMT

George Lucus you have given us much…but George Lucus, you have taken much away…but I will say…or perhaps sing…this to you now George Lucus. "No matter what you take from me you can’t take away this di-a-ry!!!!!"

Finally, a candid look inside the heart and mind of everyone’s favourite sour-pussed commander of the Death Star. In these never before seen passages addressed to his wife (Whaaa? Really?), we get a chilling account of the events leading up to the death of this beloved Imperial senator. Here is my favourite entry:

Lord Vader arrived today. I swear every time I see him he gets bigger. And you'll never guess who he had with him. Remember old Senator Bail Organa? Well, Vader had his daughter in tow. He picked her up along the way after attacking her Consular Ship. Attacking a Consular Ship? What balls.

GTA IV A Possible Scantily-Clad Zombie Breeding Ground?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Why yes, apparently it is. Try L1 in the Multiplayer Avatar Edit mode, or something like that.

Dig them canary skivvies! Sexxxxxxy!

The Open-Source Boob Project: How to Get Your Grope On Sci-Fi Convention Style

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 16:33:00 GMT

We'll admit the premise of the Open-Source Boob Project is a bit confusing. We know it involves voluntary groping and Science Fiction conventions and that it's been somewhat controversial.

Seems it began with a few men who dared to dream of a better world...

"This should be a better world," a friend of mine said. "A more honest one, where sex isn't shameful or degrading. I wish this was the kind of world where say, 'Wow, I'd like to touch your breasts,' and people would understand that it's not a way of reducing you to a set of nipples and ignoring the rest of you, but rather a way of saying that I may not yet know your mind, but your body is beautiful."

We were standing in the hallway of ConFusion, about nine of us, and we all nodded. Then another friend spoke up.

"You can touch my boobs," she said to all of us in the hallway. "It's no big deal."

.....

By the end of the evening, women were coming up to us. "My breasts," they asked shyly, having heard about the project. "Are they... are they good enough to be touched?" And lo, we showed them how beautiful their bodies were without turning it into something tawdry.

Then at the next convention these "open-sourcers" introduced some sort of red-light green-light system with buttons and name tags...OK. We'll admit we're in over our heads. This is crazy business, but whatever rocks your socks.

Harry Potter A Failure With Real Girls As Well

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:23:00 GMT

Daniel Radcliffe fell in love with a girl last year, although he never learned her name. On Monday, he pulled one of those "The Girl Of My Dreams" stunts and announced his affections in a Daily Telegraph interview. By this morning, the same paper was reporting it had located the exact girl the butt-naked boy wizard star of "Equus" had been pining for...

But there's a catch... and no, it's not "this might not even be the right girl," which might also turn out to be true...

Disclaimer: We had nothing to do with the creation of the above graphic.

Yep, she's taken. He's some spiky-haired Sydney electrician (we're betting you're relieved it's not Corey Worthington) and has been stuck with her wandering eye for three years.

So what? Harry couldn't get with Cho, but he does end up with [NAME REMOVED IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T READ BOOK 7, SLACKER] at the end of the series, so maybe this isn't the end of this particular saga. After all, 23-year old Cassi McKay will be visiting Radcliffe's Britain for four weeks... and the boyfriend is either the coolest guy on the planet or the most clueless:

"It doesn't really worry me if Cassi wants to meet him (while she's overseas). I trust her."

Via the Daily Telegraph.

Skynet Will Be Aware of Self, Hotties

Bryan Christian — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:36:00 GMT

Isn't training a computer to recognize sexy ladies sort of like a guy training himself to autofellate? Like, why would either one ever leave the house?

Amit Kagian, an M.Sc. graduate from the [Tel Aviv University] School of Computer Sciences, has successfully “taught” a computer how to understand and process the factors which contribute to attractiveness in women. Aside from this being the modern equivalent of “mirror mirror on the wall” and all the vanity that could come from it, it’s actually quite important. The importance lies in the fact that this is a significant breakthrough in creating artificial intelligence in computers.

Also: a giant leap forward in making webcams that much creepier.

Steamed, Horny Gal Gets All "Episode 8.5: Revenge of the Ex" on "Star Wars" Obsessed XBF

Bryan Christian — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:00:00 GMT

Best of Craigslist reminds us that despite the specific nature of General Dodonna's briefing before the Battle of Yavin, not every Star Wars nerd can successfully bullseye a gal's wamp rat with his snub fighter. (Yikes, that hurt typing. But you know what we mean, right?)

Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore
Date: 2008-01-25, 3:56AM EST

Dear Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend,

A few things as of late have come to light. The fact that you had an entire room dedicated to Star Wars should have been enough to make any sane girl run in the opposite direction, I somehow found it endearing. The fact that you couldn’t string two thoughts together in order to form a cohesive sentence should have made me giggle in your face, instead I patiently waited as you tried to sound like your IQ was above 87. Your crazy mom that decided to “pop in” and vacuum at one in the morning should have definitely made leave, but I stuck by your side. Your sexual inadequacies should have made me run to seek orgasm from another penis, instead I quietly masturbated in the bathroom after your pathetic attempts at coitus.

Now, lest you be concerned where this is going, rest assured: just like the Star Wars saga, in spite of some dramatic ups and downs, there is a happy ending. Also like the Star Wars saga: it involves a sore vagina, a thick, meaty penis, and a cum-splattered face. Yub nub!

[img via]

"Tron" to Bore You Senseless in Three Dimensions Come 2011

Bryan Christian — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 19:11:00 GMT

Are there any fans of Tron out there? We admit, it's a pretty cool movie -- cool looking, anyways -- but IOHO, it's also boring as sin. Like, we were 6 when it came out and we still knew it was boring. And we tried watching it again a year or so ago and man, we just couldn't have cared less. Yeah, pretty colors, and yeah, great vector graphics and all, but seriously: snooze.

Does that make it ripe for a remake? A 3-D remake? We don't know. Here's what we do know: it never gets old looking at the Tron Guy.

Another Reason to Get Nerds Naked: Science Tattoos

Bryan Christian — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 19:00:00 GMT

All right, we admit it: we don't actually know if this gal is a nerd or not. Granted, she's got the chemical compound for serotonin inked alluringly onto her hip and she seems to be in scrubs, both of which could at least imply a capacity for academic excellence. But it's not conclusive proof of geekness. For all we know, she could have just been a clubkid before ditching her pacifiers and whistles and getting into bio-waste removal. But whatever. We're gonna assume that she and everyone else on Carl Zimmer's Science Tattoo Emporium is a total dweeb -- so committed to their areas of expertise that they've had them permanently etched into their flesh -- because goddamnit, that. Is. Hot.

And that is what we are here for, right?

Lena Headey Too Skinny to Play Sarah Connor?

Bryan Christian — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Hey, you guys, remember back, oh, forever ago, when we were kind of excited about the Bionic Woman reboot but we sort of got our hopes dashed by crummy scripts, obvious stunt casting, and that l'il ol' writers strike? Well, guess what: we're a little more bullish about Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. What for? Well, maybe the intoxicating combo of both android- and MILF-hotness have something to do with it. ('Cause it sure as hell ain't that crummy narration!) However, exclamation point! It seems like not everyone is as keen on "Mother of All Destiny" Lena Headey as we are.

Boston Herald critic Mark Perigard wrote: "I'd like to give her time - and some pasta - to help her grow into her jeans. Headey looks remarkably like actress Lara Flynn Boyle. She's a twig of an action heroine."
The Sarah Connor Charm School, a Terminator fan group which focuses on "physical feminist empowerment", is also unimpressed by the choice.
The group's spokesperson Kym Lambert said: "We were very upset to find out that a very thin and non-athletic actress had been chosen out of, supposedly, hundreds to play a role that we as physical feminists found so inspiring."

OK, first off: there's a Sarah Connor Charm School! We know where we're sending our kids!

Second, reality check. From what we could tell, Sarah Connor got her hard bod in Judgement Day because she was locked up in a hospital for years and had nothing else to do to prepare for the robot apocalypse but smoke cigarettes and get into slammin' shape. We'd be surprised if out in the real world -- where she'd have to get at least one day job and establish a new identity every so often and take care of a teenage son, etc., etc.... -- she'd be able to keep up her former fitness regimen. In fact, we'd go so far as to say that we're way more interested in a post-buff Sarah Connor -- anxious, exhausted, and with the spectre of cancer looming over her -- than we would be in a pale imitation of Linda Hamilton's deservedly revered and thoroughly diesel portrayal.

That being said: girlfriend could probably eat an extra sandwich every so often.

Thoughts?