This Week in Online Dating

Emily Farris — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 15:27:00 GMT

Maybe you wonder why I'm single. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'm going to show you. Plus, since it's Friday, you deserve a good laugh.

I decided to compile the worst (er, best?) of the messages I received from an online dating site this week. And as I Twittered yesterday, "Dear men who are online dating: if you have to tell me you are "smart, funny, clever" chances are you're, not. Sorry to break the news."

First, this form letter from an older ~~gentleman~~ douchebag.

Subject: Yes there is a secret to happiness

So, know that I am a dynamic and diversified well experienced delight. And no, you will NOT be falling in love with me but yes, there will likely be golden moments to treasure.

Expect a guy who likes cats, is well traveled, knows that we were born in differing years and will forgive you for your comparitive youth and inexperience providing that you too are delightful and can carry a conversation, be intriguing, are not afraid of being with someone that society would frown on you associating with due to the age differential, but it is OK if you keep the door ajar in our lives knowing that for the rest of your life you can call upon me to solve situations, open doors, dissuade others from being a pain in the ass, or make problems emulsify and disappear on demand.

Ask me about my exquisite poetry, the German Prince, a Maltese Diplomat, the Island in the South Pacific, Niagara Falls, the United Nations, the Pyramid of the Sun near Mexico City, or teaching college and I will give you a true story.

Perhaps over a beverage. . .

This next one wasn't so bad (my profile says I am "really good at fixing shit" and also like to cook) until the last part. Perhaps I can help him fix his space bar?

I'd love it if you cooked for me while helping me do some dry wall or texture matching;) Love your profile, dig your pics. You seem like one badass , beautiful chic!I'm a nice, smart, down to earth, fun, loving guy! Hope you'll holler back!

Then there was this guy who I did NOT write back. Don't you think it sort-of sounds like a Nigerian email scam?

Thanks for writing me back,Honestly When i first saw your Profile i was intrigued! also with polite profile, You're a beautiful woman and i really admire that very much. First you have to understand that all that glitters aren't Gold but when i see a pure diamond i won't hesitate to jump on it. silly me with cute joke lol .
Am Currently in West Central Africa- Working on a ( Casino Project ) being here over a month , I have 1 week to return to the States. I will like to get to know more about you and see where this leads too - feel free to ask me questions - i will be glad to answer and tell you more about myself , I enjoy good conversation.I want you to Know That the Distance should not be an Obstacle ok..We can always try and work things out.. We Can Only make it if we try...
I Really don't think distance is a negative factor for a lasting relationship - Understanding and Clicking matters a lot -- Do you honestly think we can make magic.. Am in search of an Ideal Woman!! Someone to share my passion and love for. If you think you're worth it.. Let's make magic
You have my Attention! I will write a lot about me on my next email - this is just a tipsy.
Chris G
PS! I Appreciate you writing me back , Lets have Online conversation Through Yahoo I'M. My Screen Name ''chris_xxxxxx"

Wouldn't you think that if one is using ONLINE DATING that one could GOOGLE one of the sexiest men of all time?

Who is Michaeal McDonald?
Pardon my inculture, but I have no idea.
And tell me more about your dog. How are things? I'm considering taking one next year but since I want to travel in 2 or 3 years, I know I shouldn't.
Also, you think you'll get away without writing me, whereas, no no, it's highly inacceptable! :-)
In other terms, yes, absolutely, I'd love to read from you.
Ok, bon weekend et peut-être à bientôt.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that all of these men (according to their profiles) are Americans whose first language is English.

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Emily Farris — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 19:04:00 GMT

Like many of us, this pretty lady is looking for love online.

Much like the online dating services we humans use (Nerve personals, anyone?), animals kept in captivity are matched with potential mates via online "studbooks."

The databases containing information on sex, age and weight — not so much about favorite foods or long walks on the beach — are used by more than 200 zoos nationally and some internationally.

Now, new software has been developed that promises more easily accessible data, faster matches and — taking a page from human dating sites — details on animals personalities to ease what can be a testy process.

Zoos will not be required to document each animal’s turn-ons and turn-offs in the Zoological Information Management System, a collaboration by about 150 zoos and aquariums that is a year or two away from wide distribution.

We think it's a bad idea to exclude the turn-offs. Once we made clear we were looking for bearded dudes who could spell, online dating got a million times easier. However, if a koala finds love online before we do, we're so giving into the Crazy Cat Lady thing.

[NY Times: Seeking Mates for Furred and Clawed]

Is Condoleezza Rice a Virgin?

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 13:23:00 GMT

While we were busy putting together our slutty outfits on New Year's Eve, the kids at Wonkette were actually working. They spent the day rounding up Condoleezza Rice's most awkwardest moments of 2007, and found that it was, in fact, her most awkwardest year ever. Even more awkward? About a month ago we walked past the set of a documentary on Condi while the host was positing that Miss Rice is a virgin. At first we thought it couldn't be. Do virgins even exist anymore? But then we did a little googling and while we still have no proof, we're not the only ones who think Condoleezza might pass the white sheet test. If this is true, we'd like to offer her a complimentary Gold membership to Nerve Personals.

[Wonkette: 2007: Awkwardest Condiyear Ever]

Scanner : nerve personals

This Week in Online Dating

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Tommy Lee's Online Ladyfriend

Look at This F-ing Email From This F-ing Nude Hipster Grifter

Live Blogging SXSWi: Sexual Exploitation and Self

Cutie With Big Brown Eyes Seeks Mate for Play or Serious Relationship

Is Condoleezza Rice a Virgin?