Scanner : new years

We Think Your New Year's Resolution Should Be to Comment More

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 23:22:00 GMT

Hey, you. Scanner Emily, here. Now that we've put 2008 behind us, let us all resolve to communicate a little more. It's true that some of you have left such awful comments I've been up all night with anxiety. I think someone even made me cry once, many moons ago. But my skin, and the skin of my fellow bloggers, has thickened, plus I've hopefully sent enough threatening emails to the assholes to weed out the worst.

So, come, share, talk amongst yourselves. And if you see something you think we should be writing about, send us a tip.

Thanks and happy new year.

Related: Commenting Will Get You Laid

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Scanner Highs and Lows: Auld Lang Syne

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 22:02:00 GMT

It seems like just last year that we were doing this...

Highs:

Hey, apparently, we're going to get laid more this year. We hope. Please.

We discussed the pros and cons of oral sex, without you.

We took a few days off.

We learned that Scanner Brian has better hair than he used to.

Then he showed us some funny pictures.

And reminded us how creepy we can all be sometimes.

Speaking of funny pictures, we made a carrot feel a lot better about himself.

We contemplated time travel.

We were rated NC-17.

Lows:

We learned just what kind of crazy, obsessive society we live in.

We worried some famous people would die.

We didn't get everything we wanted for Christmas.

We looked back at the lessons learned last year.

We found yet another reason to be glad we left New York when we did.

Teachers continue to believe children are the future, show them all the beauty they posses inside.

We were disappointed by the updated "Joy of Sex."

When Life Imitates Wax

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:29:00 GMT

Most times you see wax figures that look like real people, but sometimes you see real people who look like they're made of wax.

For example, the Paris above is made of wax, which makes it especially difficult to for us to believe that the Paris after the jump is made of real flesh and bone...

Bone, anyway...

Nicky's looking a little dead in the eyes here, too. But as much as we'd like to believe the Hilton sisters existed only at Madame Tussaud's, here they are ringing in the New Year (and so joyously!) in Sydney, Australia.

Sloppy Seconds: Who's Not Allowed to Play With Paris?

Paris Hilton: A Pedophile with a Message

Wax Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore Now Starring in Our Nightmares

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Caption This: Bill and Hillary Ring in the New Year

Emily Farris — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 15:51:00 GMT

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Jack Kerouac's New Year's Resolutions

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:01:00 GMT

Jack Kerouac is dead, so obviously these are what we call "vintage" rules to live by. (In fact, this coming year will mark the 40th Anniversary of the Beat Generation writer's death, which was due to cirrhosis of the liver.)

And while these chunks of wisdom, taken from his Belief and Technique in Modern Prose (or, at least, the style of rapid-fire modern prose he invented and brought down with him), are geared toward writers, they are words to live by in 2009-- so says us:

Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for your own joy
Submissive to everything, open, listening
Try never get drunk outside your own house
Be in love with your life
Something that you feel will find its own form
Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
Blow as deep as you want to blow
Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
The unspeakable visions of the individual
No time for poetry but exactly what is
Visionary tics shivering in the chest
In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
Like Proust be an old teahead of time
Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
Write in recollection and amazement for yrself
Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
Accept loss forever
Believe in the holy contour of life
Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
You're a Genius all the time
Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

True, we don't understand half of what he says, but everyone can take a line or two and run with it. The man who once wrote "I want to marry my novels and have short stories for children" would have turned 86 this past year.

Via Wikipedia.

Related:

3 Things We Wish We'd Gotten For Christmas, Or: Scanner Verena Is A Sucker For Infomercials

New Year's Celebrations Lacking Balls

What Do Cubans Really Think of Cuba?

See You Next Year, Suckers!

Emily Farris — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 23:14:00 GMT

Tomorrow I, Scanner Emily, will take advantage of my ~~God~~ Rufus-given day off—well, my two Rufus-given days off—to drink too much and then recover from drinking too much (which may involve drinking too much again). However, there's no need to panic; as I've mentioned before, Scanner Brian needs to blog at least every other day to survive, so you'll be spending tomorrow with him. But when that lovemaking is all said and done, what will you do?

Do you plan to pay a ridiculous cover at some scene-y bar with the high hopes of having crazy New Year's bathroom sex? Or will you, like me, refuse to even step out the front door? Considering that The Ghost of New Years' Past has taken me on so many exciting adventures*, I'm happy to cozy up with a few close friends and more than a few bottles of bubbly. Perhaps it will still end in crazy bathroom sex. Wouldn't you want to have sex in this bathroom?

See you next year... when I'll hopefully tell you all about how the Kahlua ended up in the clawfoot tub.

*2001: On I-70 leaving the crappiest New Year's party ever
2002: Hugging a four-pack of Charmin on the D train, crying
2004: Getting punched in the vagina
2008: Passed out while the cat peed on me because I had closed off the litter box during my "party"

Related:

Hey You, Happy New Year

Back in Two and Two

As If This Year Hasn't Dragged on Long Enough

Emily Farris — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 18:41:00 GMT

Are you anxiously awaiting the end of 2008, ready to embark on a new year? Did you get your heart broken? Are you broke? Will the symbolism of the ball dropping on the ~~hell~~ zoo that is Times' Square help you wipe your slate clean or encourage you to not clean your plate at every meal? If any or all of the above apply to you (and most do to us if you've been paying any attention to this blog for the last year), you're going to have to wait just a little bit longer than you expected to ring in the new year.

But just a bit...

The world's "official timekeepers" (what kind of geek do you have to be to get that job?) have added a leap second to December 31.

Apparently the Earth's spin on its axis is slowing due to "tides and other factors" (Global Warming, anyone?) and to keep everything all in order (the sun going down when we know it will, etc) an extra second will be added to 2008.

We imagine the team running the Times' Square extravaganza will adjust accordingly and begin the countdown a second later but wouldn't it be more appropriate, and official, to countdown to zero or something?

Five..

Four...

Three..

Two...

One...

Zero....

Happy New Year, now stick your tongue in my mouth!

[Yahoo!: Tick tock ... tick: Extra second added to 2008]

Related:

New World Resolutions

Creepy Time Warner Hunk Calendar

Scanner Emily's Top 10 Lessons Learned in 2007

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New World Resolutions

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:09:00 GMT

We don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. New Year's comes every year and when we fail to keep our resolutions after days or weeks (as most of us do), we often feel bad about ourselves.

But something about today inspires us to make resolutions we want to keep. Something we didn't think could ever happen happened when Barack Obama won the Presidential election last night, and now that we can feel the pain of canvassing Kansas City in our calves and the the celebratory shots in our heads, we feel like we're a part of this, too. Because if Barack Obama is going to change things for the country and the world, the least we can do is make a few changes (and stick to them) in our own lives, right?

Read our resolutions and share your own after the jump.

Scanner Emily resolves to:

Save money (even if it's just $20) every month.
Become a member of my public radio station.
Stop ignoring my debt and start paying it down, even if it's just $20/month.
Keep in better touch with my family.
Move into my own apartment within the year.
Run or swim at least twice a week.
Stop eating when I'm not hungry.

(Scanner Brian and Scanner Nicole should feel free to add their own in the post).

Image via AP/CNN.com

Blogger-Reader Agreement

Emily Farris — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Hey kids, we thought we'd start the New Year out with a friendly reminder about the Blogger-Reader agreement—just a few points to make everyone's lives a little brighter.

In 2008, we, the Scanner bloggers, will:

*try our best to not offend you. This does not mean that we will not offend you every once in a while. Deal with it.

*hopefully make you laugh now and then.

*make you consider the hilarity of how the media handles sex.

*bring you a good mix of sex, culture, and sex in culture at least 10 times a day.

In return, the Scanner bloggers ask of you, the readers:

*do not assume that the Scanner bloggers know everything that is going on in the world of sex and culture. Our bloglines only go so far and we rely on your tips to help us expand them. If you see something that you think we should be covering, for the love of all things coital, send it in!

*if you really love something we've written or opined, Digg it!

*have something to say? Say it! That's what the comments section is for.

Hey You, Happy New Year

Emily Farris — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 19:24:00 GMT

Hey, Kids. Happy New Year. If you, like us, are just waking up, you probably feel like shit, too. But hey, we didn't get punched in the vagina or cry on the subway while hugging a four-pack of Charmin this year, so it was a pretty good one, all things considered. And that's an OK way to start the New Year... even if our cat did piss in our bed while we were sleeping in it because we drunkenly closed the door to the room where the litter box is hidden. We were so drunk we weren't too far from pissing in the bed ourselves, so we can't be that mad at her, right? Right. Also, we're very happy to report that we didn't send any drunken emails to ex-lovahs. We had to check the sent folder this morning, just to be sure, but we didn't. And that, friends, really is a sign of good things to come this year.

10 Places We Swear To The Gods We WILL Get Laid In

Bryan Christian — Fri, 28 Dec 2007 15:00:00 GMT

Here we were thinking that we'd be fine going to a neighbor's house party for New Years: put down a couple drinks, have a few laughs, maybe cut a rug or something... Then we go and run across Hotelscheap.org's article "Celebrity Hotel Rooms: Suites You'd Never Be Able to Stay In," featuring rooms like the Hugh Hefner Sky Suite at the Palms in Las Vegas (pictured right). Well, screw you Hotelscheap! We may not be able to afford these places this year, but next year, we're checking in to one of these rooms -- and we are doing it on every flat surface we can find. See ya in 2009, Hong Kong's Peninsula Suite!