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Idiot At Fox Degrades Sexual Abuse Victims With Her Politicking

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 21:04:00 GMT

Just about every line of this Fox News clip is hilarious. It's hard to top the opening line, with its incredibly twisted take on why a government inquiry is going on. (They "may make a play [for a company] if it doesn't like the way it's doing business. Huh?" Right-- we should have just let Enron and WorldCom get away with everything-- got it, Fox.)

Then this bonehead comes on and, at the end of this video, makes an analogy involving sexual abuse that's so out of ~~left~~ right field, it's enough to offend anyone who's ever been sexually abused. Congrats, Fox, a new low in political blows.

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The Kinky Sex Murder At ABC News Radio

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:39:00 GMT

Last summer, we seriously considered an offer for a job at ABC News in New York. While on tour of the building and my "future office," I met a guy named George Weber, who was cracking jokes and insulting colleagues who were within earshot when I came across him. My first thought was, "This is one of those characters. Every office has one."

The next time we saw him was yesterday morning, when he was the top story in New York City. Weber was murdered by "a date" he picked up via Craig's List and the details couldn't have been more shocking...

According to stories in the New York Daily News over the last 36 hours, Weber's alleged killer is an unidentified 16-year-old boy who Weber found via a Casual Encounters ad. Weber wanted someone to smother him and the boy offered to do it for $60. It's not known whether this was premeditated murder or the boy just didn't know to stop using the pillow when his victim fought back. Either way, the police say the killer suffered enough retaliatory injuries to bleed all over Weber's apartment on his way out.

What stands out the most for us is that a knife was involved-- reports indicate Weber's body hand multiple stab wounds, which at least confirms murder, whether the boy planned it in advance or tried to finish him Weber off after realizing he'd done serious damage.

Seriously, let this serve as a reminder to all of us to use extreme caution when inviting strangers home...

Latest updates here, via the NY Daily News.

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Exploding Office Chair Kills Man, Um, Anally

Emily Farris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 20:25:00 GMT

You do the math. Oh, right, this doesn't really make sense does it? Let us try to offer you a bit of an explanation.

According to Gizmodo:

A 14-year-old boy in China was killed when his chair exploded, sending chunks of metal into his rectum. The bleeding this caused killed him. The alleged explosion came from the gas cylinder that was in the base of the chair, the part that allowed the user to adjust the seat up and down.

Is this even POSSIBLE?

[Gizmodo: Boy Killed Anally When Office Chair Explodes]

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FOXNews Claims Jesus Will Guard Your Daughter's Vagina

Emily Farris — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:55:00 GMT

Forget everything you heard in 2008!!! It turns out hanging with that hepcat Jesus really does contribute to keeping America's youth free from sin.

According to Janet Rosenbaum, a post doctoral fellow at Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, young people with strong religious backgrounds become sexually active about three years later than their non-religious peers. (It should be noted that her numbers are based on data collected from middle and high school students in 1995 and 1996, way back when even we were religious and not having sex.) But don't be fooled by those pesky virginity pledges or purity rings, she says.

Rosenbaum's study showed that making a virginity pledge doesn't play a role any sexual behavior because teenagers who take a pledge are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence. The study also revealed that those who took virginity pledges where less likely to use condoms that non-pledgers, she said.

So those kids with their purity rings can stop frontin'! However, if Rosenbaum thinks the numbers reflect the actions of today's teenagers, by "sex" she must mean purely "penis in vagina," because if we remember correctly, teenagers across the nation are gladly taking it up the ass—and other orifices—these days.

Of course, only FOXNews would report on a story that's based on 13-year-old statistics about 13-year-olds.

[FOXNews: Study: Religious Teens More Likely to Abstain from Sex]

ABC Calls Drunken Teenage Anal Sex "Love Making," Interviews Jezzies and Ultimately Tries to be Helpful
Scanner Roundtable: Purity Rings
Video of the Day: Have You Taken Your Virginity Pledge Yet?
Today in WTF: Virginity Pledges Actually Work?
The Father-Daughter Purity Ball Is One Party Scanner Will Not Be Attending

The Media Made More Mistakes Than Ever This Year

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 19:10:00 GMT

From Regret the Error, here's a list of the worst (and most amusing) slip-ups the media made in 2008... at least until they make some more in the next three weeks, of course...

The first thing we gotta ask is, why does anyone report (as news) the story that a certain person has herpes? And even if that's a wise move, to publicly shame someone for no reason, it still doesn't explain why they'd publish a story about a nobody like David Guest having the STD. Guest, it was claimed, had received the disease from Liza Minnelli as an unintended wedding present. Of course, it's totally fabricated, as the Daily Mail and other papers were forced to admit in print:

In articles published on 23 and 26 May 2008, we gave the impression that Mr Gest had contracted a sexually transmitted infection and alleged that he had Liza Minnelli’s dog killed without her knowledge.
This was wrong. David Gest has never had a sexually transmitted infection and did not have Ms Minnelli’s dog killed.
We apologise to Mr Gest for any embarrassment caused.

Isn't this like LBJ saying, Yes, it's untrue what I said about my opponent, "but make the bastard deny it"? In other words, maybe a few people missed it the first time-- a retraction only reinforces the public awareness of the possibility of the story's truth, as in when you phrase a denial as "No, I did not do that horrible thing," psychologically, many people think, "Hmm, 'horrible thing.' Wonder if he did it."

Ah, never mind, we can't explain it. Just read more:

Here’s how the famous humor writer [Dave Barry] chose to correct a misspelling he made in a column published by the Miami Herald:
In yesterday’s column about badminton, I misspelled the name of Guatemalan player Kevin Cordon. I apologize. In my defense, I want to note that in the same column I correctly spelled Prapawadee Jaroenrattanatarak, Poompat Sapkulchananart and Porntip Buranapraseatsuk. So by the time I got to Kevin Cordon, my fingers were exhausted.

Wonder if he spelled "Cordon" with an "n" and an "m." These and more via Regret the Error.

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Is "Tech Sex" Somewhere Between Cyber Sex and Technical Sex?

Emily Farris — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:12:00 GMT

Oh, sorry. We thought the term "sexting" was the word on the street for teenagers sending sexually explicit text messages from phone to phone, but apparently the "exting" suffix is a little too niche for the broader problem, which is "tech sex."

According to a new poll, one in five US teens has sent nude or near nude images to someone by phone or email, and twice as many have sent "suggestive electronic messages."

We don't really see how this is any different than the coded messages our "friend" used to send to our pager in high school, except this takes all the fun out of us having to consult a phone key pad to figure out that he had a dream that he was shaving our pubic hair.

Anyway, this is apparently a problem, or else there wouldn't be a news story about it, right? But the real problem, as we see it is (as we've pointed out before): if you take naked pictures with your cell phone they will get leaked. We promise.

At least it's not unprotected anal sex.

[AFP: One in five US teens has had 'tech sex': study]

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Video of the Day: Sexting

Emily Farris — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:28:00 GMT

If we had to guess, we'd say "sexting" is sending a text message booty call. We'd be wrong. "Sexting," apparently, is "sexy photos being sent from phone to phone.... a trend that teens and their parents ought to know about. "

Because, uh, you could go to jail for it.

via videosift.com

We're going to start using the term our way. Somebody's getting sexted this weekend!

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[Image]

New York Times: Iraq War Ends

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:07:00 GMT

Did you enjoy our little prank?

Well, we didn't come up with it, but we knew about it and were part of it on our own undisclosed way... and if you don't know what we're talking about, you will now.

And hey, if Lili Taylor thought it was awesome, it was worth getting up at the crack of dawn to pass these out in Union Square:

New York Times Special Edition Video News Release - Nov. 12, 2008

For those of you who don't live in New York City, here's a rundown from our friends Beka and Andy:

Hundreds of independent writers, artists, and activists are claiming
credit for an elaborate project, 6 months in the making, in which 1.2
million copies of a "special edition" of the New York Times were
distributed in cities across the U.S. by thousands of volunteers.

The papers, dated July 4th of next year, were headlined with
long-awaited news: "IRAQ WAR ENDS". The edition, which bears the same
look and feel as the real deal, includes stories describing what the
future could hold: national health care, the abolition of corporate
lobbying, a maximum wage for CEOs, etc. There was also a spoof site, at
http://www.nytimes-se.com/.

"Is this true? I wish it were true!" said one reader. "It can be true,
if we demand it."

"We wanted to experience what it would look like, and feel like, to
read headlines we really want to read. It's about what's possible, if
we think big and act collectively," said Steve Lambert, one of the
project's organizers and an editor of the paper.

"This election was a massive referendum on change. There's a lot of
hope in the air, but there's a lot of uncertainty too. It's up to all
of us now to make these headlines come true," said Beka Economopoulos,
one of the project's organizers.

"It doesn't stop here. We gave Obama a mandate, but he'll need mandate
after mandate after mandate to do what we elected him to do. He'll need
a lot of support, and yes, a lot of pressure," said Andy Bichlbaum,
another project organizer and editor of the paper.

The people behind the project are involved in a diverse range of
groups, including The Yes Men, the Anti-Advertising Agency, CODEPINK,
United for Peace and Justice, Not An Alternative, May First/People
Link, Improv Everywhere, Evil Twin, and Cultures of Resistance.

In response to the spoof, the New York Times said only, "We are looking
into it." Alex S. Jones, former Times reporter who is an authority on
the history of the paper, says: "I would say if you've got one, hold on
to it. It will probably be a collector's item."

UPDATE: Our lawyer just let us know that some of the 1.2 million copies are "already on sale on E-bay at prices from $30-40 to $200."

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The Face of the Orgasm

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

TV reporters will do anything, including have sex and orgasms on camera, if it means career advancement.

So it's no surprise that someone put together this lovely, hilarious, and often arousing screenshot compilation of various Fox News reporters and other TV-talking-heads getting off live on the air...

Here are some of our favorites:

There's more... if you have that kind of time on your hands.

Bug Turns Straight-Laced Reporter into Bernie Mac

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:46:00 GMT

Bug in Mouth Brings Out the Street in Reporter - Watch more free videos

While riding bikes last week, swarms of bugs kept flying into our mouths. It was gross. Even grosser, we caught ourselves absent-mindedly chewing one and swallowing it. We were tired of constantly spitting them out. We gave up.

So we're not just laughing at this reporter when a bug flies in his mouth, we feel his pain.

And would like to take this opportunity to offer a comprehensive lesson on the appropriate use of the word motherfucker. Please consult the Mac-man below.

No News Is...Kind of Eerie

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:20:00 GMT

This flickr video depicts a day with no news. It's sort of refreshing, but all too quiet. Video below.

Can't they find a couple squirrels who have tied their tails together, or a teacher having sex with her 13-year-old student?

Weatherman Wants To Get "69 Sex?"

Emily Farris — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:37:00 GMT

This Twin Cities weatherman is super excited about the Vikings' number 69, Jared Allen. He's so excited, in fact, that he thinks someone is "gonna get 69 sex."

[via Plog]

From the Medical News Vault: Male Masturbation 'Cuts Cancer Risk'

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:21:00 GMT

A former college professor forwarded this article from 2003 on to us this week with the subject line, "Ignore at your own risk!!!! For God's sake!!!" And yes, in case you were wondering, we did go to a liberal arts school in New York. Anyway, we thought it was worth sharing since we missed it the first time around (did you?) and this is information that could save lives.

Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest.

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men's cancer risk.

Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits.

They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Find the rest of the story at BBC News.

[Image via, NSFW]

To Catch a "Sophisticated" Predator

Emily Farris — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 18:33:00 GMT

What's the difference between a plain old child predator and a sophisticated child predator? A sophisticated child predator writes things like this on the internet:

"My thanks to you and all the others that, together, make this the greatest group of pedos to gather in one place," James Freeman, who authorities say went by the screen name "Mystikal," wrote, according to the indictment. "I'm honored just to be a part of it."

Also, sophisticated predators apparently use encryption to communicate with each other, drug five-year-olds, and run their child porn rings like businesses.

[ABC News: 'Sophisticated' Child Porn Ring Busted]

Same Sex Couples: Just as Happy as Everyone Else

Emily Farris — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 21:32:00 GMT

Same sex couples are just as happy and committed as heterosexual couples according to two new studies, challenging the stereotypes that gay couples "aren't as healthy or secure as heterosexual pairings."

In the first study, researchers at the University of Urbana-Champaign compared 30 committed gay male and 30 committed lesbian couples to 50 engaged and 40 older married heterosexual couples, as well as dating heterosexual couples.

The researchers found that all the couples had positive views of their relationships, but the more committed couples (gay or straight) resolved conflict better than the heterosexual dating couples.

Honestly, most of the gay couples we know are far more committed and functional than the straight couples we know.

[Forbes: Same-Sex Couples Just as Committed as Heterosexual Counterparts]

[Image via]

FOX News Porn: "This is over the top. Roll the tape."

Bryan Christian — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:08:00 GMT

Behold -- two minutes (well, like a minute and a half) of borderline-NSFW smut, gleaned entirely from Fox News broadcasts. Sadly, like most soft-core smut, there's too much story, but still: pleasantly arousing. Oh, also: terrifying.

Hey Scanner Sarah and Nicole: y'all find any more candidates for this in there?

GHB Just Got a Brand New Street Name...

Bryan Christian — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 15:00:00 GMT

... and it is "Aqua Dots," the North American name for the GHB-laced crafting toy that we told you about yesterday. 4.2 million boxes of the things are being recalled in the U.S. and Canada after the Australian version, called Bindees, were similarly pulled from shelves. The Times has an interesting piece on how the offending chemicals were discovered following the hospitalization of a 2 year old in Sydney. We especially like the part where the British marketing guy is like "We are 99% sure that the product is safe, and also we are running tests to see how fucked we are."

Oh, and for all you club kids out there kicking yourselves for not running to Toys-R-Us sooner, the official Aqua Dots website is still out there to taunt you with its trippy, space-inflected graphics. Sorry Moonbeam, guess you'll just have to keep trying to make that piss and feces buzz happen.