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Video of Jessica Biel Nude Scenes in Powder Blue, Compiled!

Drew Grant — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:33:00 GMT

Jessica Biel may be too busy crunching her abs or making sweet, sweet love to Justin Timberlake to comment on the apparently excessive nudity featured in her new film, Powder Blue, but that didn't stop some genius from putting together a montage of all Biel's best "acting," moments in the Christma-hooker drama. Watch her strip to Cat Power (no seriously, Biel got duped into starring in my freshman year boyfriend's Cinema 101 project), after the jump.

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Oh, So They Really Weren't Kidding About Carrie Prejean Being Topless

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 May 2009 15:50:00 GMT

At last... we have Carrie Prejean boob photos.

There are far more than the originally-promised ten, these are definitely pre-implants, and they are all professional shots of Carrie Prejean topless-- all of which disputes her initial assertion that there was only one photo, they were when she was 17 (you can tell by her face that she's old enough), and these weren't some casual bathroom pics given to a friend's talent scout or whatever.

Unfortunately, some moron released them to TMZ instead of us (or at least The Dirty), so they are all censored like the one above.

By the way, Donald Trump will announce... well, right around the time you're probably reading this... whether or not Carrie gets to keep her crown.

Via awful, lame-ass TMZ.com.

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Men Have Been Waiting For These Jessica Biel Topless Photos Since 1997

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:39:00 GMT

Ever since the maturity of Jessica Biel, readers of Maxim and other perpetual droolers have been wondering "when is Jessica Biel gettin naked aready ??!?" Surprisingly, she wasn't holding out for a period piece or an Oscar-worthy performance as a nun-cum-prostitute in a Ron Howard movie.

The lucky winners are the producers of Powder Blue, which apparently boasts nothing else noteworthy, since no one even seems to know what the plot of this film is. Here's what we've retained from reading various blogs, press notes, and reviews: Powder Blue has its theatrical release in two weeks, and four weeks after that, the movie has its DVD release. This movie must be so atrocious that the filmmakers don't even hold out hope it's going to have a substantial box office take after a month.

Click on any of the following set of photos to get a new window, then you'll be able to blow these up to their full glory.

And even though these delightful pictures are easier on the eyes than, say, severely washed-out photos taken in a darkroom, that's exactly what the final cut looks like:

Members of the Perv Club... this is definitely our rental for the June meeting...

Cheerleading Coach In Hottest Nude Photo Scandal Ever

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:20:00 GMT

Channel 13 in Sacramento claims to have been "up all night" (you'll believe it when you see the photos) working on the story of Carlie Christine, a cheerleading coach at Casa Robles High School, who was outed as a Playboy and internet porn pinup yesterday after she got on the bad side of a bunch of bitchy wannabe cheerleaders.

But unlike everyone else foaming at the mouth over this amusing tale of moonlighting gone wrong, we have the photographic evidence to prove it really happened...

Christine, it turns out, used her real name (or at least the same name she teaches under) in posing for Playboy, which made it a cinch that the entire football team would eventually stumble across the snaps, which it did. But it was when an undetermined number of girls were kicked off the cheerleading squad for skipping school their awful parents leaked the online photos to shocked school officials.

According to the local media, Christine has been fired from her coaching job, although we'd be surprised if she doesn't quickly make ten times the money modeling. We found something CBS missed: Carlie Christine's modeling website.

I am shorter in stature but photograph very proportionate and I stay thin and toned.
I currently have shoulder-length natural brown hair and intend on keeping it the same from now on.
I do have four small tattoos that I cover with makeup or have airbrushed out for photos unless they are wanted for the shoot.

More of her nude photos, including full frontal images, can be seen here.

Padma Lakshmi Suddenly, Surprisingly Naked

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Padma Lakshmi Suddenly, Surprisingly Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 16:58:00 GMT

The nude issue of Allure, which is out Tuesday the 21st of April, promises to be a smash success, thanks to the naked presence of Eliza Dushku, Chelsea Handler, Sharon Leal, Lynn Collins, and the hostess with the most sexiness, Padma Lakshmi.

The Top Chef star talked to the magazine about her breasts, her body, and sleeping in the nude-- in that order...

ALLURE: What did you do to prepare for the shoot?
PADMA LAKSHMI: "I exercised a little bit extra, but I actually think I look better when I have a little bit of weight on—my breasts are fuller, and I'm curvier than when I'm at my thinnest."

ALLURE: Are you confident about your body?
PL: "Yes; I like the way I look. I think I look better now than I did in my 20s, because I'm more confident about my body—and I don't want to look like anyone but myself."

ALLURE: Do you sleep naked?
PL: "I tend to sleep in the nude. I'm an innately tactile person and a very sensual-leaning woman. You have to use the word 'leaning' or it sounds like I'm boasting! When I'm in my own private space, I do spend time with very little on."

Emphasis added. Here are some more partial-nudes of Lakshmi from a photo shoot we've only recently discovered...

As we mentioned, Eliza Dushku and others also posed "nude" for the Allure issue...

ALLURE: What about [getting naked] these days?
ED: "I'll strip down to my underwear and my Ugg boots when I eat lunch in my trailer."

Sharon Leal, formerly of Boston Public and Guiding Light, and recently of Dreamgirls, was a bit shaky on the whole nudity thing:

ALLURE: What happened when you dropped the robe?
SL: "I just breathed and said to myself, 'I'm comfortable, I'm beautiful; I'm comfortable, I'm beautiful,' until I didn't have to say that anymore.... It's liberating, but posing once may be enough."

Chelsea Handler, the talk show host and standup comic, practically leapt at the chance to show off:

ALLURE: What was it like on the set?
CH: "I think it was easy—you're naked a couple times a day, so I think it would be easy for most women."
ALLURE: What body parts are you most proud of?
CH: "My boobs are good. They're real and perky. Even if you can't see them, the important thing is that I know about them, and the guys I've slept with know about them."

Lynn Collins, star of the recent bootleg sensation X-Men Origins: Wolverine agreed:

LYNN COLLINS: "Women with confidence in their bodies are the sexiest thing, so I put on my cape of courage and did it. It was quite liberating!"
ALLURE: What body part were you nervous to expose?
LC: "He shot that place where your butt meets your thigh. It's a special place on a woman; it's a highly erogenous zone, but it's one of the hardest places to get in shape."

Via Allure.

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Christina Ricci Was Born To Be A Porn Star

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Christina Ricci Was Born To Be A Porn Star

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Don't take this the wrong way-- we didn't mean that title as some sort of insult to the wonderful and wildly popular crush object Christina Ricci.

Ricci is set to star in a new movie called "Born to Be A Star," which is about a guy who discovers his parents were major porn stars in the 1970s...

According to the Hollywood Reporter (thanks to The Screengrab for the heads up), Adam Sandler co-wrote the movie and Tom Brady is directing. We're assuming it's a different Tom Brady than the quarterback who married Giselle Bundchen (again) in Costa Rica over the weekend. Here's the rundown:

The story centers on a small-town nerd who stumbles upon a family secret: His quiet and demure parents were famous porn stars in the 1970s. This motivates him to leave Northern Iowa for Hollywood, hoping to follow in their footsteps and fulfill his destiny as the biggest adult-film star in the world.

Ricci, the female lead, is the guy's innocent girlfriend.

There's no word on nude scenes or, more specifically, Christina Ricci nude scenes, but we're guessing this might be a raunchy PG-13 that pushes the rating as far as it can go-- in other words, no sex scenes in a movie about... porn.

One more tidbit:

Despite Sandler and Giarraputo's involvement, the movie is not a Happy Madison production but rather by porn title-friendly entity Miles Deep Prods.

Via the Hollywood Reporter.

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America's Next Topless Model Is... The Judge

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:03:00 GMT

Paulina Porizkova turns 44 this week-- can you believe it? Either way, hopefully you'll agree that she's as stunning as ever.

The Czech-born supermodel was recently captured cavorting topless-- on a U.S. beach, no less. This woman has nothing to hide, prove, or be sorry about, so all those who made nasty comments on blogs where these photos appeared can kiss her bikini-covered...

Here's what a handful of ungrateful children of God had to say about these snaps:

her nipples are huge compared to her breasts! She has ugly breasts in my opinion. [ugly breasts? The only ugly breasts are certan boob jobs, okay?]

around the kids? really? [right, teach those kids to be ashamed of their bodies!]

her nipples were used too much ..they are dark color...well...she is still in good shape [what do you mean? from breastfeeding?!]

You are great.I love to be able to contact you. Ayman Awwas + 962 79 556 00 22 [uh... yeah... Portizkova didn't post these herself, you know]

And a few true winners:

most people wished they looked this good in their 20s let alone at 43. She looks AMAZING.whoever said she has ugly breasts are stupid. in fact anyone talking shit about her body is stupid...

she's better looking than the competitors

Anonymous, if topless women on the beach bother you, maybe it's time for a trip to Europe to broaden your horizons.

Broaden your horizons... there's a sexual pun in there somewhere, if only we knew what to do with it.

Why Marisa Tomei Finally Went Naked

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:04:00 GMT

Marisa Tomei gave an interview to TotalFilm this month on her career and, most importantly to readers, her decision to accept a series of roles that required sex and nakedness.

We hesitate to use the term "revealing" when describing this excerpt (and accompanying NSFW photos, of course), but maybe that's because the pun is so obvious...

"I definitely feel like I didn't want to do that kind of thing when I was younger because I didn't think that it was something a serious actress would do, in a way there is validity to that...
"It's harder to be taken seriously when you're younger, doing [nude scenes] but I've also come to a point of being able to handle the reaction to it - that probably would have been more difficult when I was younger."
On finally undressing for The Wrestler and Before The Devil Knows You're Dead: "I did those two movies because I was grateful to have them come along, frankly.
"I wanted to work with Sidney Lumet and Ethan [Hawke] and Phil [Seymour Hoffman] and Albert Finney.
"Actually, I wasn't so thrilled about the nudity package that was coming with it, but it was the best thing that was offered to me at the time and I really wanted to work, and I trusted Sidney so much.
"Maybe growing older there's an inner sense of what I can trust and I knew I could trust him. So it came out of that." [Press Association]

Growing older or not, this was worth the wait. Keep 'em coming, you amazingly talented, sexy, and very naked "older woman..."

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The Best Topless Revue In Vegas Closes After 50 Years

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 20:03:00 GMT

On Saturday night, the Tropicana Hotel and Casino bid adieu to Les Folies Bergere, its legendary topless revue.

Today, we look back at 50 years of photos from the classic Showgirls-style dinner theater performance, which broke new ground for "tasteful" public nudity...

Beginning on Christmas Day of 1959, the show enjoyed nearly 30,000 performances on the Strip in Las Vegas, Nevada. It closed, some say, because people are more interested in the circus, magic shows, and Cirque del Soleil. The only show left featuring topless showgirls is the Bally's revue "Jubilee!" (Read more about Les Folies Bergere here.)

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Involving Lingerie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 20:38:00 GMT

Every guy has a childhood story about finding the nudie mags under their friend's dad's bed. Ours involves raiding our best friend's father's Playboy collection, dating back to the mid-sixties, and going over centerfolds ranging from famous rock groupie Bebe Buell to Vicki Iovine, wife of the great record producer Jimmy Iovine.

But we always got bored with the nude women posing in the same exact way. We ended up digging to the bottom for the Victoria's Secret catalog with Elle MacPherson on the cover. To us, the tease was better than the full monty.

With that in mind, here are Five of our Favorite Sex Scenes Featuring Lingerie...

5. Gia. This first surfaced on the internet entitled "Banned Lingerie Commercial." Yeah, right-- even lingerie commericals aren't this hot. Should this automatically be #1 on any list of anything, including lists that have nothing to do with sex? Yes. Are we too lazy to move it to the bottom of this post? Indeed.

4. Two Days in the Valley. Skip to 0:22 to the part where James Spader finally shuts up when Charlize and her long, long, long legs enter the bedroom... and then they both don't shut up. Ever.

3. Mutual Needs. Is this a porno? Rochelle Swanson's in it, so it must be... but who's complaining? If you have five minutes to kill today, this is how you should spend it.

2. Layer Cake. Skip to 1:30 to build on the hotness. Thinking that this PG-13 movie would be lacking in uncomfortable sex scenes, we decided a Daniel Craig action movie might be a good choice for a post-Thanksgiving dinner. Whoops. Sienna Miller here explains why she is able to hypnotize men into leaving their wives-- she just pops in a DVD of this scene:

1. El Beso del Sueno. Maribel Verdu from Y Tu Mama Tambien and... some old guy... in what was obviously her audition for the famous blockbuster Alfonse Cuaron film. Did that movie top this one in her terms of hotness? Of course... but don't miss the close up of Verdu's panties... Cuaron didn't think of that.

Bonus: Lori Loughlin from Full House in what may or may not be lingerie (or is a simple dress?) from Suckers.

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Audrina Partridge Already Reduced to Nude Advertisements

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

Audrina Partridge is gearing up to star in a (hilariously awful!) spinoff of (the hilariously awful!) MTV fiction show The Hills.

Partridge and her ridiculous breast implants are apparently worthy of their own sitcom, since Partridge was such an exciting addition to The Hills that the 30-program could hardly cram in all her personal and professional trials and tribulations. Those mainly consisted of sitting around a pool, talking in an annoying voice, and not pretending to get married in Mexico.

So, MTV decided it can't have Partridge promote her upcoming series by going on "talk" shows, because it doesn't want to scare off its last two potential viewers. Instead, Partridge landed a deal with Divine Rights of Denim jeans, which continues the trend of having celebrity spokespeople pose nude to advertise their lame products...

Have we vented enough yet? Good.

By the way, the ads are above and directly below, followed by what you really clicked on this for: the lost nude Audrina Partridge photos.

More of the Divine Rights shoot here.

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Italian Porn Star Strips at the Milan Stock Exchange

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 22:19:00 GMT

Man, porn stars are all over the media today. Just head back to the homepage and scroll down-- even Kim Kardashian makes an appearance!

22-year-old Sicilian actress Laura Perego trumps them all-- "walked into the stock market in a black coat which she took off to reveal her body painted in the colours of the Italian flag, naked apart for some tiny underwear," according to the Associated Press.

She accused the government of incompetence in its financial dealings and of leaving Italians with nothing but their underwear after taxes are taken out. Man, this is the spokesperson Michael Steele has been dying for. Fox News is sure to interview her any day now.

Of course, the "family values" motto the Republicans stand behind doesn't really jibe with these pics:

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Sarah Palin Porn Ain't Goin' Nowhere, No Ho Ho Ho

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 16:10:00 GMT

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate was an unqualified disaster. Not only did voters flee from the novel idea of a female vice President (at least-- this potential female vice president), but they abandoned the Republican Party in greater numbers than ever.

Since the election, Sarah Palin's continued quest for the spotlight has further doomed the Party's chances for taking the White House. There was that whole incident with the turkey and the reenactment of that scene from Fargo. There is that whole string of ethics scandals. And, at last, the Bristol-Levi shotgun wedding sham was finally given up, since the voters no longer cared if the kids "did the right thing."

About the only successful enterprise involving Sarah Palin seems to be Naylin' Paylin, the Hustler-sponsored porn film. Now, Larry Flynt and company are shooting a sequel, which promises to keep Palin in the public eye for a lot longer... if only in the eyes of bugging-out pervs...

From Fleshbot (and via AVN):

Hustler cashed in on the election hype with a quickie follow-up called Obama's Nailin' Paylin, featuring a bonus scene with Guy DiSilva as President Obama.
Why another Palin movie now?
"We'll keep doing it as long as we can get away with it," said Hustler exec Jeff Thill.

Lisa Ann, a.k.a. "Serra Paylin" (why bother to change the spelling at all when the name is pronounced the same way?) is on a strip club tour that stops in Hardeeville, South Carolina next month and other locations TBA. Meanwhile, Hustler is gearing up for Hollywood's Nailin' Paylin, a semi-sequel to their smash of last year.

We're guessing the plot involves Paylin going to Hollywood to seduce rich megastars (of the porn world) in the hopes they will back yet another one of her doomed bids for higher office. Wait, sorry-- did we say plot? It's probably just going to be a whole lotta this:

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Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 21:44:00 GMT

These scenes for your frantic Friday are not of the S&M or Basic Instinct or even Secretary variety (that's a whole 'nother list.) Sometimes, you've had a really epic and soul-crushing workweek and you don't have time to warm up.

As those recent and soon-to-be-disproved surveys say, there's no need for foreplay anymore...

5. The Life of David Gale. Was it just us or was this Kevin Spacey-Kate Winslet movie a triumph of wasting our complete fucking time? Nope, we weren't the only ones-- the movie hovers around a 20% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes-- oh, and Richard Roeper gave it thumbs up, so that's all the evidence we need. And, frankly, we don't even remember this sex scene being in the film, which has to stand for something.

4. True Blood. Hey, we didn't claim these were all from the movies anymore. Besides, this show is more softcore porn flick than any turgid rated-R crapburger we've sat through this year... so, once again... that's gotta count for something. And bonafide Academy Award-winning actress Anna Paquin is featured-- so... there's that.

3. The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) - We include this scene because, in a rare move for misogynist Hollywood, a woman is seen to be "leading" and "directing" the sex. Note that Jessica Lange demands that Jack Nicholson wait until she clears the table, then orders him to get down to business. Furthermore, she doesn't enjoy being on the bottom, so Jack will just have to make do with her on top. That's more like it, Tinseltown.

2. Crash (1996) - You've probably seen the Rosanna Arquette-James Spader scene... and the Deborah Unger-Elias Koteas-while-James-Spader watches sex scenes. But unless you've seen Crash, the 1996 David Cronenberg film and not to be mistaken for that flaming piece of tripe from a few years ago, you probably didn't even know about the Holly Hunter-James Spader scene. My God, how was this NC-17 release not banned from theaters and burned by the conservative movement?

1. A History of Violence - We were hoping to find a frantic Hollywood sex scene that doesn't involve a man doing something violent to initiate sex, but gave up after several hours. (Just kidding-- you think we have that kind of time?) Seriously, please recommend a few movies where we can see women being portrayed as normal, sexual beings who can initiate sex without repercussions. In other words, no slasher films.

Honorable Mention: Love in the 21st Century

Sex Scene From The Show Love In The 21st Century

Also, we deliberately left out the Basic Instinct scene with Jeanne Tripplehorn because it's a borderline rape scene. So, for all of you who were about to write in to chide us for the oversight... "Ha! And you thought the ice pick death scene that opens the film would be here. This is somehow rougher... and Jeanne Tripplehorn is so much hotter than Sharon Stone, don't ya think? She has those incredible lips and an innocent Marilyn Monroe pout. We kind of wish she gets to do a movie where she leads the roughhousing and isn't sexually exploited like she is here. Okay?"

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Gwyneth Paltrow Saves Joaquin Phoenix's Career With Her Boobs

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:01:00 GMT

Joaquin Phoenix's "final" acting performance has been getting rapturous reviews, especially from critics who actually believe his recent publicity stunts are real. One writer, however, noted that it would be impossible to watch Phoenix's Letterman appearance back-to-back with the new film Two Lovers and not think he's faking the rap career.

However, the largely negative reactions to Phoenix's new music and public persona have turned people off of Two Lovers, and so producers are hoping Gwyneth Paltrow can sell the movie, in which she co-stars. To do so, they've leaked a phone sex scene in which Paltrow flashes a boob at Phoenix from a window.

It's only about thirty seconds long, but this is the hottest Paltrow has been since Shakespeare in Love. (By the way, numerous idiotic websites claim this is her first topless scene-- they aren't even close. See below.)

Here are some highlights from her past work... that food travel show not included... har har.

Flesh and Bone

Shakespeare in Love

Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle

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Mr. Skin's 2009 Naked Oscar Nominees Are Here, Free and Uncensored

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 18:52:00 GMT

Excuse the terrible headline, but we're rushing to be the first to take down The Man (Mr. Skin) by revealing his Top 5 Naked 2009 Academy Award Nominees in all their free and uncensored glory...

Earlier this week, the Hollywood nude database announced the famed annual list of naked Oscar nominees (of the ten females in acting categories, only Viola Davis has had a nude-free career.) Of course, there was an accompanying video with little Skin-heads over the naughty bits... but we'll take them away just for you, for free. You can't see this anywhere else... well, unless you do an exhaustive internet search that takes hours of our time, like we did...

5. Anne Hathaway - Havoc, nominated this year for Best Actress for Rachel Getting Married. Warning: this sex scene is disturbing, even in this chopped-up version.

4. Melissa Leo - Streetwalkin' (Best Actress - Frozen River) Although we couldn't find the topless scene Mr. Skin mentions, here's another scene with Leo showing some other parts of her award-winning anatomy, plus another funny "sex" scene from The Three Burials... movie, in which Dwight Yoakam remains in his socks. Classic.

3. Penelope Cruz - Elegy (Best Supporting Actress for Vicky Cristina Barcelona.) Why hadn't we heard of this before? It stars Penelope Cruz, Ben Kingsley, and Patricia Clarkson, and features two of those three in the buff (guess which?) Also, it's based on a forgettable Philip Roth bestseller from only a few years ago. Did we mention Penelope is topless for what seems like all of the movie's two hour running time? Guess we'll have our answers on March 17th, when it Elegy comes to DVD.

2. Kate Winslet - The Reader (Best Actress for the same.) We haven't seen this movie, but the fact that we've heard it called one of the worst movies ever nominated for Best Picture and "without a doubt the foulest film about the Holocaust" leads us to believe that having checked out Winslet's three nude scenes online is more than enough torture for one year. By the way, since this film is still on theaters, this is a bootleg of a bootleg, so the quality is understandably low.

1. Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler (Best Supporting Actress for the same.) This nude scene has been played to death on Scanner's pages, but hey, this isn't our list. Use the link below to check out the many other great clips from her wonderful career.

Marisa Tomei NUDE Stripper Performance in 'The Wrestler'

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Kate Moss Stocks Up On Beer, Strips For New York Magazine

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 21:46:00 GMT

Kate Moss ruffled a few feather boas this week when she did a shoot for Roberto Cavalli in Los Angeles.

The New York Post alleges Moss showed up two hours late (don't they plan for that in advance but telling her to show up at 9 when they mean 11?) Immediately, the supermodel started polishing off a steady stream of beers (seeing as how this is the Post, it was probably two cans), sat on another model's lap and didn't look at or speak to him, which must've been hot for him. Once the last photo was taken, she stormed out.

No such rumors have risen from this New York shoot, the photos from which appeared online this week. However, there was plenty more to talk about...

Moss addressed those petty pregnancy rumors in the way we hoped she would, although we wished she had just said "can't a girl drink a beer on a Saturday night in peace?!"

I’ve got a clear idea of what I want for lingerie. I’ve just started wearing bras. It’s a miracle. Not today, but I have been. Great timing for my lingerie collection. I’ve just grown breasts. I am a woman now! It’s true. No, honestly, I’ve never worn a bra in my life. Ever! Ever! It’s so awful, even my friends are phoning me up and saying “Are you pregnant?” And I’m like, “No! I just put on a couple of pounds, and they went in the right place.” Isn’t that weird? And how perfect for lingerie. [New York]

She's a woman now, just because she has to wear a bra? Don't let anyone tell you you need boobs, Kate, but please let someone do something about that hair...

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Top 10 Sexiest Album Covers of All Time

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:57:00 GMT

10. Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass - Whipped Cream & Other Delights. The other delights, unfortunately, are mainly covered up by the whipped cream, but this is still vintage goodness.

9. Betty Davis - They Say I'm Different. The woman once married to Miles (hence how she got the movie star-esque name) has two of the sexiest album covers ever. We can't explain why we love our #9 choice... or why we chose it over her possibly sexier "Nasty-Gal" photo...

8. The Pixies - Surfer Rosa. We've listened to this album about 300 times and we still don't know who Surfer Rosa is or why Kim Deal gets upset when Black Francis yells "you fucking die." But yeah, gotta love the field-hockey-players-and-the-coach sex scandal story. Oh, and the cover ain't bad either... and those catchy tunes... and... and...

7. Shakira - Oral Fixation. With a title like that, you'd think Shakira wants to be treated like a sex object-- but look, there's a baby! And this sluttastic photo is playfully Biblical, so you know she's a good Catholic girl. Right?

6. Blondie - Parallel Lines. For Halloween one year, we had a girl dress as Debbie Harry and we joined her in the easy-as-hell hipster uniform worn by the guys in this photo-- and damn it if we weren't sexy as all hell. The other night, we saw Debbie Harry play a fundraiser with a local high school band, doing bizarre and funky versions of "Heart of Glass" and other classics from that album. (We had a boner both nights.) Mainly, this cover is incredibly sexy thanks to the dudes with their shit-eating grins realizing how lucky they are to even be associated with a knockout like Debbie Harry, who makes this one helluva photo with that scowl contrasting their gleeful faces.

(Trivia: what future famous person picked Debbie Harry up in his car one night when she was walking home from waitressing at Max's Kansas City. Hint: he was a creep and she jumped out of the car at the next red light. Answer: Ted Bundy.)

5. The Strokes - Is This It? One could make about a dozen jokes about this album and its cover ("Heh heh... I bet they like to "Stroke" it to their own cover..." or "Is this it? Indeed, how come the album isn't as good as the cover?" for starters.) We'll just mention that whimpy Americans don't even have this picture on their 2001 records because it was deemed "too risque." So was the song New York City Cops-- but that's understandable, given 9/11 occurred just before the record's initially-planned release date.

4. Pulp - This Is Hardcore. A record with only one good song ("Like A Friend," and it isn't even the best of the two released versions)-- hey at least the cover makes for good wallpaper.

3. Ween - Chocolate and Cheese. Personally, we prefer the cover where they parody Leonard Cohen's Best of album using the Elephant Man, but these boobs are pretty sensational. Speaking of sensational, get a load of that belt! We might even wear that thing if it came our way...

2. The Cars - Candy-O. We're pretty sure this ain't no real woman, but for you anime freaks out there, this is one to get your keyboards sticky over. Ew, ew, ew-- pretend we didn't even say that. By the way, for some unimaginable reason, girls tend to get in the mood when The Cars come on the radio-- even if the song is "Let the Good Times Roll." FYI, dudes.

1. Roxy Music - Country Life. Their first US top 40 record (it went Top 5 in Britain), Roxy Music's Country Life is an obvious choice for #1 because of the near-nudity factor. (Of course, there are dozens of possible candidates for this list that have nudity in their covers, but they simply weren't as hot. Maybe for our Part Two someday...) Here's what Wikipedia has to tell us about this glorious photo:

The cover features two scantily-clad models, Constanze Karoli... and Eveline Grunwald. Bryan Ferry met them in Portugal and persuaded them to do the photo shoot as well as to help him with the words to the song "Bitter-Sweet". Although not credited for their photos they are credited on the lyric sheet for their German translation work.

The cover image was considered controversial in some countries such as the United States, Spain, and The Netherlands, where it was censored for release. As a result, a later American LP release of Country Life (available during the years 1975-80) featured a different cover shot. Instead of Karoli and Grunwald posed in front of some trees, the reissue used a photo from the album's back cover that featured only the trees.^.Author Michael Ochs has described the result as the "most complete cover-up in rock history." [Wikipedia]

Honorable Mentions: Jane's Addiction - Nothing's Shocking; Jennifer Lopez - On the 6; and one of the Slunt records. Suggestions are welcome for a follow-up list...

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Super-Exclusive Nude Calendar Makes Us Want to Go to Africa For Some Reason

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 20:33:00 GMT

These pictures have floated past us on the internet on at least a dozen different occasions, from one mysterious origin or another. At one time, Kate Moss was rumored to have participated in the 2009 Pirelli calendar, an arty nude photography review limited to 30,000 copies, but we haven't been able to find any photos from this year.

The rest, however, which involve naked models mounting elephants and their, um, rigid tusks, should suffice.

Thanks to Jalopnik and other sources for their links. Don't forget to purchase the calendar-- if you can figure out how!

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Starring Angelina Jolie

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:29:00 GMT

While compiling last week's Top 5 Sex Scenes From Action Movies, we started to realize 1) Angelina Jolie is in a boatload of action movies, 2) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of action movies and 3) Angelina Jolie is naked in a boatload of movies...

5. The Good Shepherd. Angelina Jolie is the only total stranger we can think of who could somehow keep us turned on after demanding to know if we love her. Angie, please, we'd like you to learn our middle name and take a test on the Baltimore Colts first, okay?

4. Foxfire. This here's more of a slumber party sequence than a sex scene, but you won't be complaining. By the way, this is what every guy, aged 8 to 108, imagines women are doing when there are no boners around.

3. Original Sin. We're pretty sure Antonio Banderas does all these softcore porn flicks to get away from that nut Melanie Griffith, although it's hard to imagine any straight guy turning down a script that includes this scene. [By the way, for some reason the volume on this scene is much higher than our other clips. Sorry about that.]

2. Taking Lives. There are some technical problems with the sound in this vi-- oh, who's paying any attention to the bland dialogue and storyline of this movie anyway? Here are two sex scenes for the price of one. And ladies, that's your favorite up-and-comer Gerard Butler in the buff in scene two, which is actually (apparently) from Lara Croft: Tomb Raider.

1. Gia. It's possible you could get away with a Top 5 Sex Scenes Just From The TV Movie Gia, All Featuring Angelina Jolie list, especially if you include this as two separate sex scenes-- in the first, Angie has sex with a fence; in the second, she continues to nail the fence, while also including Lost's Elizabeth Mitchell in the action. Good Lord, it must be Friday...

You can check out more Jolie-Mitchell action from Gia in this clip.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes Set in the Great Outdoors

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 21:55:00 GMT

After a holiday hiatus, our regular feature returns. This week's list is wishful thinking-- we probably couldn't get away with outdoor sex in today's 36-degree New York weather... you'll have to let us know how your reenactments go in warmer climes...

5. U-Turn. Honestly, we didn't even remember that Jennifer Lopez was in this movie before finding this clip. Still haunting our memories, however, are those extreme closeups of Billy Bob Thornton's teeth.

Jennifer Lopez Outdoor Sex Scene

4. The Hot Spot. This tender nude scene was featured on our Jennifer Connelly list way back when. Hey, if you want to complain about seeing Jennifer Connelly naked again, we can't really help you.

Jennifer Connelly - The Hot Spot

3. Three. We would've had to field serious complaints if we didn't include this raunchy, sexual assault-turned cheeseball sex scene from some straight-to-DVD Kelly Brook vehicle. You'd be amazed how many fans this actress has...

Beach Sex

2. Fast Times At Ridgemont High. The two sex scenes with Jennifer Jason Leigh in this movie take place outdoors (one, in a semi-private changing room; the other, a baseball dugout), but they're clearly overshadowed by this sex-free fantasy sequence that would be our #1... if... only... she would touch someone... anyone...

Phoebe Cates-Fast Times At Ridgemont High

1. Domino. We're pretty sure it doesn't happen like this in the original cut of the movie (or any official cut, for that matter), but the homemade repeition is an addition we're thankful for.

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Top 5 Sex Scenes From... 2007

No, Wait, the Lithuanian Playboy Calendar Is What We Really Wanted

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 15:50:00 GMT

The year's almost over and we came this close to missing out on the best all-female nude calendar of 2009... oddly enough, it's one photographer's set for Lithuanian Playboy...

Here we present the best of the best, plus...

...one outtake, which you won't see anywhere else.

All photos via photographer Gediminas Zilinskas, whose website is here and features a tremendous selection of tasteful nudes.

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Really? The Sexiest Commerical Ever Made?

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:01:00 GMT

Is this (VERY NSFW) Danish commercial "the sexiest ever made," as one blog has claimed? Well, it's either that or the stupidest. Hell, it could even be Robert Palmer's final, posthumously-released music video.

Remember our complaint the other day about American Apparel's nude Sasha Grey ad and how it was basically porn with an unrelated ad slapped on the end of it? Yep... this is a Siemens Washing Machine commercial.

(By the way, that tagline at the end? It translates to: "Life over the edge.")

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More Olga Kurylenko Nude Photos Surface

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:01:00 GMT

When Olga Kurylenko appeared onscreen during Quantum of Solace for the first time, we had two thoughts: "Wow, that was the first time we've seen a Bond girl naked before her career took off" and "She's so much more attractive without all the bad lighting and photoshopping offscreen..."

These photos prove that, as bad as Marc Forster's storytelling technique was, at least he made Olga look hotter than she does in these lousy pictorals...

Not that we're complaining about these photos, but they don't do her justice.

From various sources.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers Cheerleader Photo Scandal Is Silly, Still Hot

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 20:48:00 GMT

This wouldn't even be a scandal if the cheerleader in question wasn't in the tub with another naked woman.

Although who are we kidding? We'd post these photos with or without a legitimate reason.

Seems this cheerleader for the Cleveland Cavs (that's a basketball team, you nerds), which whipped the asses of the New York Knicks last night, is overshadowing star player Lebron James with some unwanted publicity of her own. The blog The Dirty and nude connoisseur Don Chavez have hunted down the risque photos that have caused an uproar in Ohio's world of non-competitive cheerleading...

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No Legal Remedies for "Upskirting" and "Downblousing"

Scanner Matt — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 18:37:00 GMT

Technology definitely progresses faster than the law and the perves are taking advantage of the loop holes. Snapping a picture with a cell phone up a woman's skirt ("upskirting" ) or down her blouse ("downblousing") has become a world craze. Japan now requires cellphone cameras to come with a shutter sound to announce a picture is being taken.

Salon reports:

A keyword search for "upskirt" on the photo-sharing site Flickr turns up 36,368 hits. One user has taken 48 candid shots of women's stockinged rears walking up stairs in the Paris Metro subway station. The vast majority of these photos, however, are not upskirts at all, but close-ups of women's body parts taken in public places like the subway, parks and street corners. Some Flickr members specialize in these types of shots, many with a particular area of expertise: breasts, bums, nipple slips, whale tails (the top of a thong peeking over the waist of a woman's pants), camel toes, legs or feet. Amazingly, one user has amassed 1,455 photos of disembodied, hastily framed shots taken with a cellphone camera of various body parts -- feet, breasts, butt and legs -- that could belong to any woman, really.

This is creepy and unsettling stuff that has yet to be resolved by U. S. lawmakers.

The question of where to draw a line between artistic street photography and fetishistic candids that reduce a woman to her toe cleavage is like that ever-unreliable definition of pornography: I know it when I see it. John Morris, general counsel for the Center for Democracy & Technology, puts the reality simply: "If you don't want to be photographed walking the street, don't walk down the street -- it's a public street."

It's a tough issue to define while respecting art and first amendment rights, but seriously, they can't figure out a better way to defend the privacy of an individual than, "don't walk down the street... " What are we, in Saudi Arabia?

In the meantime, watch out for the new cellphone sex operators.

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