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The New York Times, Like These "Cat Men," Should Probably Get a Life

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:35:00 GMT

Thanks New York Times, for yet another hard-hitting deeply relevant Styles article. We were surprised to learn that straight men owning cats was such a sky-rocketing trend, we were not surprised to learn we could not care less. But, in the interest of ridicule, we give you...

Cat Men:

John Scalzi, 39, an author in Bradford, Ohio who once demonstrated his love for his cat by taping bacon to it and posting a photo on the Internet, "thinks that dogs are for the weaker of spirit, since the dog is, in effect, 'your wingman.'"

“If you’re feeling insecure about your space in the world, you get a dog because he will always back you up,” he said. “He’s the insecure man’s best friend.”

A man with a cat, on the other hand, “is secure with himself,” he said. “He’s sharing his space with a predator.”

Oh, right! That vibrating ball of hair and attitude in your lap is a predator, we almost forgot. Good to know, we'll avoid coming over in case Fluffy's in a dangerous mood.

Next Time We're Lost on the MTA, We'll Call These Subway Obsessed Preschoolers

Nicole Pasulka — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 16:34:00 GMT

On his New York Times art blog, Christoph Niemann details his sons' obsession with the New York Subway system. These kids sound totally adorable and the drawings are pretty cute too.

According to Niemann:

Arthur spends hours studying the subway map. He laughs at his mother when she suggests taking the B on a weekend. The only questions he has are about the pronunciation of some station names...This morning he read the timetable for the No. 3 train and sang the stations to the tune of “Shalom Aleichem.”

We are now reconsidering our stance on kids on the subway. They can be pretty great. Nothing in this world, however, will make us welcome children on an airplane.

NY Times Videos Delve into the World of People Who Love to Talk About Their Relationships

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 19:02:00 GMT

The New York Times "Vows" videos make us thank God they've expanded their multimedia section to include videos on the tedious and intimate details of courtships between people we'd run screaming from in a dark alley.

Carrie really likes hammocks and Chris who, despite spending all his pre-Carrie life touring with bands, does not seem like much fun--oh, well, maybe it's because of that.

Meanwhile, Catholic Anna cannot believe that she ended up with fellow children's theater performer Alan who is--gasp!--not blond and not Catholic. He plays a mean Mother Goose, however, and readily cites Star Wars to clarify moments in his own life. Definitely a keeper.

Natalie is hell bent on documenting every single moment of her relationship with Russell on her video camera. The two met at Harvard where an article on why Senior girls should date Sophomore guys inspired Natalie to really start liking Russell. Ah the media's power of persuasion. We're off to get engaged to someone white, overly-educated and interminably dull so that we can make a video for you about our LOVE. Ain't it grand?!

Albanian Women Dress and Act Like Men--If Men Were All Hardcore, Tough-Guy Bad*sses

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:46:00 GMT

For centuries in Albania, young, unmarried, virgin women living in households where all the men had died or been imprisoned, swapped genders and lived as men--becoming "sworn virgins." With changing gender roles and modernization, the practice is dying out, but some sworn virgins still remain.

Take 78-year-old Pashe Keqi, for example, who became a sworn virgin at 20 after her father was killed. Pashe had a a housefull of women to take care of and a buring desire to carry a hunting rifle in public. According to this totally amazing New York Times article:

When she stepped outside the village, she enjoyed being taken for a man. “I was totally free as a man because no one knew I was a woman,” Ms. Keqi said. “I could go wherever I wanted to and no one would dare swear at me because I could beat them up. I was only with men. I don’t know how to do women’s talk. I am never scared.”

But living as a man isn't all fun, games, barking orders and beating people up (OK, well, it seems in Albania it may involve a fair amount of beating people up)...

Being the man of the house also made her responsible for avenging her father’s death, she said. When her father’s killer, by then 80, was released from prison five years ago, Ms. Keqi said, her 15-year-old nephew shot him dead. Then the man’s family took revenge and killed her nephew. “I always dreamed of avenging my father’s death,” she said. “Of course, I have regrets; my nephew was killed. But if you kill me, I have to kill you.”

Right. The moral of this story is: If a woman is going to live like a man in Albania, she'd better be willing to kill people after holding 50-year grudge. Otherwise, get back in the house and make dinner.

Some Married Couples Actually Have Sex--But Only for the Book Deal

Nicole Pasulka — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 20:55:00 GMT

This weekend, The New York Times profiled two married couples who pledged to have sex every day and wrote books about it. One were Christian and uptight, the other fridgid hippies, but both got up to it once a day in an attempt to liven up their relationships--or something.

We're kind of tired of hearing about married-people sex, and not just because it's 98-degrees and we're turning into a puddle as we type this. No, basically, we'd like to say this about husbands and wives slapping the skins and then put the topic to rest once and for all:

If you're all over each other like mustard on a hot dog, great! More power to you. If not, put out or shut up. As these books seems to prove, the best way to be having more sex, is to SHHHH! and HAVE MORE SEX.

Now, if you'll excuse us we're going to mop ourselves off the floor.

Surprise! W.H. Auden Was One Dirty MotherSucker

Nicole Pasulka — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 20:22:00 GMT

This Sunday, Dan Chiasson reviewed the newly published Best American Erotic Poems in the New York Times. His verdict:

The body parts alone oppress you: lips, testicles, shoulders, eyes, over and over again until you would rather inhabit some spirit realm where bodies are outlawed.

Got it. Erotic poetry anthologies=tiring. But more importantly, we learned of W.H. Auden's poem "The Platonic Blow" about...exactly that, and so dirty Chiasson "can't even talk about it here." New York Magazine's Vulture blog reprinted the Auden poem too dirty to review. Our favorite bits below:

By soundless bounds it extended and distended, by quick
Great leaps it rose, it flushed, it rushed to its full size.
Nearly nine inches long and three inches thick,
A royal column, ineffably solemn and wise.

I tested its length and strength with a manual squeeze.
I bunched my fingers and twirled them about the knob.
I stroked it from top to bottom. I got on my knees.
I lowered my head. I opened my mouth for the job.

Aw man. What a suck.