Scanner : obituaries

While You Were Sleeping: Westboro Stoops To New Low, Falls On Its Face

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 14:08:00 GMT

Dolly Parton has come to rescue Jessica Simpson, although we think it's a bit late for that now.

Mike Myers and Paris Hilton won several insulting awards over the weekend.

Ladies, don't despair: your best sex comes in your forties.

Thanks to this kid, the porn thief has been captured.

Is it better to be unemployed than to have a job in your 20s as an obit writer? In Florida?

Three Westboro Wackos were routed from protesting the Flight 3407 disaster-- and they didn't even need to use violence.

Nicole Richie is pregnant again.

Here's your idiot Republican of the day: a Senator who offhandedly predicted Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg will be dead within the year.

Although it was snubbed for Best Song (why? why? there were only three song nominees this year!) and, ultimately, a Best Actor statue, The Wrestler won Best Feature at the Independent Spirit Awards. More about the event here.

One of the worst-ever Academy Awards ended last night with Slumdog Millionaire moseying up the podium with its main cast in tow. The big upset was Sean Penn's win for Best Actor, which some are already calling an apology for their Prop 8 votes. (If they wanted to do that, why didn't they vote for Milk for Best Picture? That would have been a much better judgment call, plus Mickey Rourke has never won an Oscar and was almost equally deserving.) To read the complete list of winners, click here.

Related:

Scanner Predicts the 2009 Academy Award Winners

While You Were Sleeping: Oscar Upsets?

Leo's Girlfriend is a Sports Illustrated Cover Girl

AskMen's Top 99 Women

Richard Wright Went To That Great Gig In The Sky (sorry for the obligatory obituary title)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 20:14:00 GMT

(What about: Richard Wright: Wish You Were Here... or Richard Wright Is Dead, Here Come The Wor-- no, too offensive.)

Richard Wright, who made his final on stage appearance with the reunited, core Pink Floyd at Live 8 three years ago, and who wrote Us And Them and The Great Gig In The Sky for Dark Side of The Moon, succumbed to cancer today. Here he is playing Comfortably Numb and leaving the stage with the other members for the final time. (He did, however, play with fellow member David Gilmour on Gilmour's solo tour two years ago.)

He seemed like such a nice guy, and in most accounts we've read about the Pink Floyd meltdown, circa The Wall recording sessions, he remained above the fray, like Ringo to their Beatles. During his time with the Floyd, which he helped found in the mid-sixties, he wrote and played on some of rock's greatest tunes. Here he is on our all-time favorite Pink Floyd tune, Us And Them:

Sloppy Seconds: Did Mick Jagger "Shove it up the "Sh*tter?"

Emily Farris — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Police believe that "the woman who sat on the toilet for two years" may have only been there for a month. Can one's ass really become fused with the toilet in a month? Hm, we might have to try that sometime. You know, just to find out.

Herb Peterson, the man who invented the Egg McMuffin and got us through so many high school hangovers, is dead at 89.

We're not fans of races that require the runners to wear high heels, but if you're going to enter a highly publicized high heel race, make sure you're not currently collecting worker's compensation.

And if you're going to shoplift, don't do it in front of your kids. And if you do, try to remember to take them with you when you flee.

A judge in Pennsylvania has ordered three Spanish speaking men to learn English or go to jail. Uh, is that illegal?

In case you were wondering, Amy Winehouse has no immediate plans to go to rehab. Might we suggest a trip to the dermatologist?

Carnie Wilson would like you to know she has not gained 79 pounds. She's only gained 70 pounds, thank you very much. This makes us very glad we're not famous. Nine pounds gets a news story?

And Keith Richards would like you to know that he "really has no idea" if his Rolling Stones band mate Mick Jagger and David Bowie ever "shoved it up the shitter" with each other.

Sloppy Seconds: Is Valentine's Day Over Yet?

Emily Farris — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 21:51:00 GMT

Still haven't quite found the closure you needed from that last break-up? How about writing an obituary for the relationship?

Planned Parenthood reminds us that condoms are an essential part of any Valentine's Day love making with the most unsexy video ever.

~~Fashion victim~~ actress Bai Ling was arrested at LAX for shoplifiting celebrity magazines and batteries.

Has Amy Winehouse sobered up enough to take a lover while her hubby "Blake Incarcerated" is, uh, incarcerated?

We have such a girl crush on Michelle Williams (and no, not just because her ex-BF died; we've been stalking her for years).

Homophobic Propagandist Fred Phelps Will Picket Heath Ledger's Funeral

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 19:43:00 GMT

We don't want to believe this, but if we try real hard and remember our childhood in the Bible Belt, we can almost see this happening, almost. Fred Phelps, the infamous homophobic propagandist, plans to picket Heath Ledger's funeral. You know, for that whole gay cowboy thing. Infuriating flyer after the jump.

We could go on a tirade here, but we'd be preaching to the choir. If you're not already familiar with Phelps and want to ruin your entire fucking day, check out his website, godhatesfags.com. We hate even typing that.

[Wikipedia: Fred Phelps]

[Via OhNoTheyDidnt]

Heath Ledger, Dead at 28

Emily Farris — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 14:27:00 GMT

I think I speak for all the Scanner bloggers, when I say we're really torn up over the untimely death of Heath Ledger. It's always sad when someone so young and talented dies, but something about Heath made him seem like he was 'one of us.' Maybe it was the fact that, for a while, he chose to live in Brooklyn, where Scanner Bryan saw him on the street and Scanner Emily would walk past his house every day on her way home from the subway, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ledger with then fiancee Michelle Williams and their daughter Matilda.

A tragic surprise and terrible cliche, the young actor's body was found next to a bottle of sleeping pills yesterday afternoon. It's still undetermined whether the pills are what killed him, and whether his death was intentional.

Ledger had just wrapped "The Dark Knight," the new Batman Movie in which he played The Joker, and was in the midst of filming a movie with Christopher Plummer and Tom Waits when he died. A ridiculously talented actor, Ledger could play an asshole, a charmer, a gay cowboy, and an incarnation of Bob Dylan. We all wanted to see him do more. But I'll choose to remember him how I saw him when I first really fell in love with him, dancing uncomfortably to Bowie. Maybe a lame tribute to a great guy, but a tribute nonetheless:

Our thoughts are with his friends and family, who knew the real Heath Ledger, beyond the characters he played and public appearances he made. He seemed like a really great guy who was just going through some shit. And it's really fucking sad.

[Yesterday: Heath Ledger Dead in Likely Overdose]

[Image via The New York Times]

Ruth Wallis, Queen of the Party Song, Dead at 87

Emily Farris — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 16:43:00 GMT

The New York Times ran an obituary today on Ruth Wallis, the singer from Brooklyn, famous for controversial hits in the 40's, 50's and 60's like "The Hawaiian Lei Song," "A Man, a Mink, and a Million Pink and Purple Pills," and "The Dinghy Song."

Wallis, who wrote and performed all of her own songs, inspired the 2003 Off-Broadway revue "Boobs! The Musical: The World According to Ruth Wallis."

She died just before Christmas of Alzheimer's complications.

[New York Times: Ruth Wallis, Singer-Writer of Risqué Songs, Dies at 87]

Dan Leader of the Band Fogelberg is Gone

Emily Farris — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 17:59:00 GMT

We have to admit that we have a thing for cheesy classic rock--if you want to call it rock. Maybe it comes from the endless hours spent in the car with Mom: "It's my car, my music. When you have your own car you can listen to whatever you want." When we passed our No Doubt/Eve 6 phase, Mom's music was what we wanted. Our most prized possession is the Time Life Singers Songwriter's Collection and every time we're getting ready to go out, we have to dance around to "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers. Also on that collection? "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg.

"Longer than there've been stars up in the heavens/ I've been in love with you."

How can you not get a little teary eyed to that after a bottle of wine and a bad break up? More tear-inducing, for anyone who was ever in high school band, however, is his hit "Leader of the Band." Even though it was about a father and son, it always made us think of our high school band director. Anyway, now Dan Fogelberg is gone. And you know what a huge dork Scanner Emily is.

[NYT: Dan Fogelberg, Lyric Rocker, Dies at 56]

And Now We Must Praise Norman Mailer

sarahhepola — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 15:57:00 GMT

Norman Effing Mailer. What to say? He's dead now, but that man lived. Like, he lived more than anyone else we can think of right now. He was fascinating, and complicated, and difficult, and tough, and tender. Also, he was short. (Like Scanner!) Will Doig once did an excellent interview with Mailer and his son for Nerve. Please enjoy that today. For what it's worth, Will said Mailer was a nice guy. For what it's worth, we suspect he was not always that way.