Scanner : old people

While You Were Sleeping: Slumdog Millionaire Horrors Continue

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:59:00 GMT

A great national tragedy in New Zealand as a sex shop endures a trial by fire.

JG Ballard, author of Crash (the David Cronenberg movie) and Empire of the Sun, died after a long battle with cancer.

This 100-year-old Italian woman, a Nobel-prize winner in medicine, is still working.

Here's one you'll love: a $3.3 million lottery winner has opened a dude nude ranch.

The little girl from Slumdog Millionaire is in danger of being sold off by her father for 200,000 English pounds.

The tombs of both Cleopatra and Marc Antony may have been discovered.

Everything is the fault of the paps, even Madonna's equestrian injury over the weekend.

Everything Obama touches turns into an Amazon.com bestseller.

Somehow we don't believe Leonardo DiCaprio would have anything to do with Lindsay Lohan, but stranger things happen every day.

Top 5 Frantic Sex Scenes

Moran Stirring Up Controversy By Suggesting We Need To Get Rid Of Obama

While You Were Sleeping: Drunk Breastfeeding

Skinny Blonde Beer As Misogynist As It Is Gimmicky

Stay Classyfied: Seeking Elderly Couples For A New Comedy Game Show!

Emily Farris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 19:35:00 GMT

VIA THE REMOTE ISLAND: Are you old? Do you want to possibly be humiliated? Then you'll love this opportunity...

Read More...

Hey Ladies: That Pesky Period May Help Prevent Parkinson's

Emily Farris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 19:38:00 GMT

I am scared to death of developing Parkinson's Disease. And the reason is pretty ridiculous, I admit. I resemble no one in my family but my paternal grandmother Ruth, whose middle name I also share. We ~~have~~ had the same hands, the same feet and recently my aunt gave me a picture of Grandma Ruth in her 20's. She could be my twin. In her 50's she developed the degenerative neurological disease and by the time I was old enough to communicate, it was full blown. She was shaky, her tongue was always hanging out of her mouth, her speech was slurred and slow. For a while, I was actually sort-of afraid of her. So, regretfully, I never really got to know one of my grandmothers. It was only last year that I learned she was an English teacher (I knew she taught history, but not that she also taught English; this explains why my dad had me quoting Shakespeare at the age of three). And as much as my dad tells me he thinks the factors leading to her Parkinson's were environmental, and no genetic link has been proven, I still worry that someday, I will be shaky Grandma Emily, unable to communicate with my grandchildren.

A new study at least makes me feel a little better about all of this.

Research out of Beth Israel Medical Center in New York found that longer exposure to the body's own hormones, including estrogen, may help protect the brain cells that affected by Parkinson's.

The disease occurs almost twice as often in men, and the study reports that women who menstruate for 39 years or longer are 25% less likely to develop Parksinson's, compared to women who were fertile less than 33 years. (For once, I am sort of glad I got my period at 11, now if I can just keep it going until I'm 50, I'll be golden.)

The study also found that women who have four or more children (like my Grandma Ruth) are at a higher risk for Parkinson's, possibly because "the post-partum period, which is typically one with lower levels of estrogen, subtracts from a woman's total fertile lifespan," according to the study's co-author Sylvia Wassertheil-Smoller, Ph.D., professor of epidemiology and population health and the principal investigator of the WHI study at Einstein.

Of course, this is one study in probably a million and a study tomorrow could say exactly the opposite, but, hey, it makes me feel a little better.

[Science Daily: Naturally Produced Estrogen May Protect Women From Parkinson's Disease]

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It's Never Too Late to Find Love and Lose Virginity

Colleen Kane — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:40:00 GMT

In a story combining the subjects of this blogger's first two posts of the day (losing the old V-card, finding love) a 107-year-old Chinese lady is finally ready to take the marriage plunge, and she's looking for a suitable bachelor her age.

Wang Guiying never married and would like to be less of a burden on her family, and so her search begins.

"What will happen if I don't hurry up and find a husband?" she is quoted asking on news.com.au. Well...the answer is obvious: she'll die. But let's hope she doesn't die first. Ms. Guiying didn't get a good impression of marriage while growing up, seing relatives scolded and abused by husbands in a time when women were lower class citizens, but you have to give a centenarian credit for being willing to give marriage a try at this late date.

And an encouraging aside to single younguns: finding a mate is a tremendous challenge, especially as the pool of singles shrinks the older you get, but at least you aren't this lady.

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Today in Old People Are Still Dating: Old People Are Still Dating

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Ex-Prostitutes In South Korea Have A Bone To Pick With Us

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:40:00 GMT

Kim Ae-ran is a fifty-eight-year-old former prostitute living in South Korea. She's been reading in the news about how her country is seeking apologies and other reparations from the government of Japan and it's been pissing her off. Not because she disagrees-- she just thinks the U.S. government's involvement in her country's underworld should be addressed as well.

“Our government was one big pimp for the U.S. military,” she says, and that's just the beginning...

Today's New York Times features a story on women who were tools of the South Korean government, which they accuse of boosting prostitution in the country in order to stabilize the economy and keep the Americans satiated.

The Korean police would then detain the prostitutes who were thought to be ill, the women said, locking them up under guard in so-called monkey houses, where the windows had bars. There, the prostitutes were forced to take medications until they were well.
The women... compared themselves to the so-called comfort women who have won widespread public sympathy for being forced into prostitution by the Japanese during World War II. Whether prostitutes by choice, need or coercion, the women say, they were all victims of government policies.

A woman, identified only as "Bae" in the above and other photographs, is 80-years-old, living on welfare and off of an oxygen machine. Her loose collective seeks compensation and an official apology, which we doubt will come anytime soon...

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Everyone Will Get Laid This Year

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 16:30:00 GMT

If we told all our readers that they are going to get laid this year, we'd be right nine times out of ten. However, since we're not trusted authorities on sex or anything, perhaps you would prefer a more trusted source of completely irrational predictions.

The Futurist magazine, published by the World Future Society, which "investigates how social, economic and technological developments are shaping the future," claims that 2009 is the year we will all be having lots of hot action...

According to the Futurists (and excerpts from their magazine published by News.com.au), one of the predictions for the year is:

"Americans may turn away from antidepressants."

According to the anthropologist who made this call, the 100-million antidepressant prescriptions Americans take "kill the sex drive" but many may quit taking them, one surmises, so they can participate in the general randiness of women having more economic power.

...based on no evidence whatsoever. Yeah, knowing how bad the economy is going, we seriously doubt Americans will choose 2009 as the year to give up taking prescription drugs (although, since they're all out of work, they may not be able to afford "luxury" purchase like pharmaceuticals.) Other psychic moments:

"Everything you say and do may be recorded."

Creepy, unless you think about the fact that you Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, blog, text, and e-mail everyone all day-- in which case, you realize you are your own Big Brother.

"Retirees will increasingly return to the work force."
"Flying cars may be on the way at last."
"Increases in the Earth's temperature, no matter how slight, could trigger global mayhem and destruction."

The Amazon rain forest would become a desert, the glaciers would disappear and, "conflict over scarce resources would most likely cause human civilisation to collapse".

Enjoy our time on Earth while it lasts, you sex fiends!

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What A Dick: Guy Invades Old Lady's House, Gets One in the Nuts

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 18:36:00 GMT

If you could've made this story up, what would you name the suspect in a home invasion, who was there presumably to rape an 88-year-old woman, who then grabbed him by the balls until he ran away and was quickly arrested?

No, really-- what would be the best name imaginable for a guy like this?

How about Michael Dick? Seriously, that's the name of a guy making major national news today in Portland, Oregon... perhaps due to the fact that he got his ass kicked by an epically awesome senior citizen, who wishes to remain anonymous, after breaking into her house and throwing her face-down onto a chair, whereupon our hero of the day, wearing only a bathrobe, reached back and got a handful of his genitals. Dick(head) then ran out of there without a word, taking off in a car which was soon spotted by the cops.

Michael G. Dick, a 46-year-old resident of Dersham, faces indecency, burglary, and other charges.

Photo via wire services.

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Today in Old People Are Still Dating: Old People Are Still Dating

Emily Farris — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:51:00 GMT

We're glad to know that old people are still dating and having sex—we really are—but we wonder why the subject continues to be newsworthy.

Is the intent of the authors to make us more comfortable with the fact that seniors still have sex? Maybe some of us would like to not think about Grandma getting it on. Perhaps we assume that once Grandpa kicks the bucket, Gamma devotes her life to church and biscuits, and maybe she does. But she doesn't have to.

If the articles are supposed to encourage the old people who aren't getting it on to actually go out and get it on, we're all for it. But we think the pieces should be more servicey, like: "Online Dating for Seniors: Adult Friend Finder is Not Your Friend," "Vibrators That Won't Give You a Heart Attack" or the all-important "Yes, Vagina, Seniors Can Still Get HIV." However, if we can keep getting quotes like this, we say keep the stories coming:

"For women, it's difficult because the competition is very high," Laumann said. Because the death rate is higher for males, he noted, it is more common that a woman is single after 60.

"Men who are presentable may have women chasing after them with pot pies" at that age, Laumann said and laughed.

Make it a casserole and that will be us in 45 years.

[Daily Iowan: Entering the swinging 60s, senior citizens dating]

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What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

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Scanner Highs and Lows: In Which We Contemplate Tina Fey's Breasts

Emily Farris — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 23:57:00 GMT

To be fair, we also thought a lot about her scar and the rest of her body....

Highs:

We made some new friends.

We found lots and lots and lots of bearded men. All in one place.

But we still love this one.

We found the one guy in the world who didn't know what a "boner" was.

Our faith in humanity may wain, but our faith in cute animals never will.

Yes, rockstar babies are beautiful.

Our dad, and old people in general, are really, really, really cute.

We finally got a little bit of LOST.

And learned the origins of Tina Fey's scar.

Apparently we can get an abortion for Christmas ("No, Dad. The $400 will keep me up to date with all my girl check ups for four years.)

Did you hear the one about Anderson Cooper and Michael Phelps getting in the pool together?

Dita Von Teese in German Playboy.

Scanner Matt did not get any beard hair in any of his three turkeys.

Lows:

The world, including Tina Fey, made a big deal out of the fact that she used to be "fat." But hey, she had some knockers.

We're pretty sure these creamy cum crepes are for real. Somebody pass the gizz juice!

Eliot Spitzer got a blog job and didn't even consider writing for us. Jerk.

Grossgrossgrossgross.

Image via vanityfair.com

Old People and Technology: In Which Our Dad One-Ups Us

Emily Farris — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 22:31:00 GMT

Yesterday we sent our dad this instructional video (just the YouTube link, as he doesn't read Scanner) with the subject line "Here, Dad." It was clearly a joke as our dad is a computer programmer with two iPod Nanos—one for his music and one for his podcasts. Then he sent this one back. Which has had us laughing all day. Seriously, we can't stop watching it. Mostly because we want to adopt the little old lady in it.

Say What? No More Rabbit Ears?

But What Will I Tell My Dad?

And They Said It Wouldn't Last

Surfing for Seniors: "No, the server is not the waiter or waitress at your favorite coffee shop."

Emily Farris — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 17:15:00 GMT

Our great aunt Winnie once tried to send us an email that bounced, so she printed it and sent it in the mail. We were very okay with that. As much as we love old people and the Internets, we know we're not up for the job of actually teaching them how to use Google and attach documents. Luckily we have the super helpful "Surfing for Seniors" to show them how to find gobs of information on embroidery... once they get comfortable with the fact that the mouse is like a hot potato.

What Does this 93-Year-Old-Man Love So Much About Old-People Sex?

Shocker! Old People Are Still Alive.

What's Cuter than Old People Writing About Young Peoples' Sex Lives? Nothing!

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Video of the Day: Happy Thanksgiving

Emily Farris — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:38:00 GMT

If we have to tell you what's after the jump it's time to go back to watching "High School Musical."

Arlo Guthrie Hopes You Can Still Get Anything You Want This Thanksgiving

Scanner Emily's Savory Sweet Potato Recipe

VIDEO: Watch A Turkey Explode: The Dangers of Deep Frying

Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart Mash the Potatoes

Heroes of the Day: Those Who Gave Money To Elderly Man With $3,000 Water Bill

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:38:00 GMT

In these trying economic times, even charities are suffering. Food banks are packed with starving, unemployed families while their stockpiles are depleted quickly and their donations plummet.

So, you'd be forgiven for thinking that an 84-year-old man, slapped with a $3,000 water bill, is going to be out of luck when asking people to help him out this holiday season...

Nope, they did, and in spades and droves and whatever you want to call it:

The Appleton, Wisconsin man has received $4,027 in donations to help offset the bill he received when he was away from home and his pipes cracked, allowing for tens of thousands of cubic feet of water to flood his meter. The organizers of the fundraising effort, which saw donations of $5 to $500, actually had to tell people not to continue donating and the stunned citizen, Norman Beckman, will donate the rest of the cash to an underfunded charity.

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64-Year-Old Woman's Nude Picture Sells For 10,000 Euros

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:55:00 GMT

An elderly woman has gone the full monty for no reward whatsoever, except to say, "Ha ha, I have more guts than any of you young ladies with your airbrushing and artfully-placed furs."

A New York photographer just sold this photo for a whopping 10,000 euros...

The photo below is the only copy we could track down. If anyone comes across an uncensored version, we'll post it here immediately.

Better yet is this self-proclaimed feminist's response to the local idiots in the press (although the ones supporting her aren't that much more helpful-- censoring the photo? You pansies.)

Speaking to the Herald about the painting earlier this week, Nell said: "I thought it was lovely. We're naked as nature intended."
When Herald columnist Terry Prone criticised the naked pose, Nell said: "It basically says 'look at me, I'm f**ked' but I think it is beautiful."

Nell said she agreed to be a model on the grounds that she was "showing the body for all its age." [Herald]

As our week wraps up here at Scanner, tonight we'll drink to you, Madame...

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While You Were Sleeping: The Trial of Keanu Reeves

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 13:08:00 GMT

Somebody has been taunted the German police by placing a Muppet over his face when passing speed cameras. (Obviously, this genius neglected to realize the authorities would capture images of his license plate.) The hilarious photo evidence is here.

MTV has posted most of its greatest videos online.

It's possible to find love online, even in your 80s. (Of course, the guy who got lucky on the internet married a woman much younger than him-- unfortunately for you 60+ ladies, even this guy admits he wasn't interested in women his own age.)

Bono's teenage ladyfriend insists they are strictly platonic, although we have to wonder what kind of strange friendship this rock star and his middle-aged buddy would have with two young female models other than the obvious one.

The Rothernberg Political Report now estimates the Democrats will capture 7-9 seats a week from today, putting the magic number ("60") within reach.

There's apparently something called "Farting Dog" and it involves the Jonas Brothers.

A photographer is suing Keanu Reeves for allegedly attempting to run him over with a car. (This is the same asswipe who watched the criminal charges against Keanu get tossed out of court and now is trying the greed route.) Seriously, dude? You get in the way of Keanu's car and you want to cry about being run over? Please go away.

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Cloris Leachman Makes Bad Reality Show Halfway Watchable, Sexy

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 20:10:00 GMT

82-year-old Oscar and Emmy-winning actress Cloris Leachman has taken our popular culture by storm with her latest comeback role... on a reality show.

Leachman, who starred in Young Frankenstein and on the Mary Tyler Moore Show, is back in the spotlight again after surviving four elimination rounds on Dancing With the Stars, a show she was, according to today's New York Times, the star was rejected from twice...

If you can't understand why we'd find an 82-year-old still sexy, check out this excerpt from the Times story. Speaking to a male reporter on what she might do next:

“I could get pregnant,” she said in an interview in her trailer, where, completely coincidentally, she insisted on changing out of her ballroom gown in front of a reporter. “I’ve got a bit of time before my next project. Maybe I’ll be on ‘American Idol.’ ” [New York Times]

What idiot was it that said "only men get better with age?" Whoever it was, they've just been proved completely wrong...

Here's Leachman in 1971's the Last Picture Show, in which she somehow makes prim and plain look sexy as hell...

Warning: You probably shouldn't watch this at work.

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What Does this 93-Year-Old-Man Love So Much About Old-People Sex?

Emily Farris — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:23:00 GMT

Meet Jobe Forte. He's a 93-year-old gay New Yorker and beause he's spent most of his life in the city, he was able to be out and enjoy everything his yonger years had to offer. But he'd like you to know he's still enjoying his older years and all the sex that comes with them—in fact, he says, sex at 93, in a way, is better than sex in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and so on.

"I’ve had the best sex in my old age that I’ve ever had. It’s so much slower and more satisfying. When I was younger, sex to me was like a candy store. Now, I’m satisfied with the same person, doing the same thing. It’s more gratifying. These are the best sex years of my life."

Ummm.... how do we have sex like a candy store? Let's get past that part first and then we'll think about moving onto the slow and satisfying.

[Time Out New York: Old Schooled]

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75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

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Seminole Casino Solves The Economic Crisis... With Strip Poker

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:46:00 GMT

According to About.com, "gambling in Florida is legal at Indian Casinos, Greyhound dog tracks, horse racing tracks and off-shore casino cruises."

No wonder all the old people, card sharks, and sex offenders are moving down there! And this is before they found out that their local Indian casino, which the state Attorney General wants to shut down, thought of an ingenious way to "boost" our "economy..."

The Seminole Casino Hollywood in Hollywood, Florida is expanding its operations to include a strip poker game. They call it a "promotion," which is disappointing, but it may catch on and become a permanent fixture.

The casino, the old bingo hall known by locals as "Seminole Classic," spread across one wall an image of a female and male model, and each are covered with envelopes containing playing cards.

Contestants pick five envelopes to reveal not only the model, but a poker hand. A royal flush pays $75,000, a pair pays $750 and hands in between pay $750 to $5,000.

The drawings are only on Friday-Saturday nights and from 6 to 10pm, but hey, at least it can serves as comic relief after losing ten g's on the roulette wheel when your idiot savant brother proves unable to predict anything...

Via Action (the South Florida gambling blog.)

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Debate #3: It's Better To Fade Away Than To Burn Out

Brian Fairbanks — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:22:00 GMT

Maybe it would be better if Cranky McCrankypants just disappeared for a while, and reemerged a few days (or even a week or two) from now to swoop in with some brilliant attack ad that's effective and actually warranted, unlike everything else he's been for months.

Seriously, think about it: it worked for him after his staff began bailing on him in the primary runup; then he did some soul searching, stripped everything away that wasn't working, and bit by bit, built himself back into a winner and took the New Hampshire primary like a force of nature.

Because this "transcript," our memory of tonight's debate, shows you why his recent strategy/tactics aren't working for him...

TRANSLATED TRANSCRIPT:

McCain: Thank you, my friends. My friends, my friends always say to me, "When the conversation gets rough, my friends, and there is no Republican talking point that can get you out of one of those pesky 'questions' asked by fascist scoundrels like Katie Couric and Tom Brokaw, just switch the subject back to 'energy independence,' and talk about how our country should have independence from oversight by nuclear regulatory committees. My friends, this is the only way."

Obama: I need to resp--

Brokaw: You're not allowed to respond.

Obama: But-- but--

Brokaw: Back to you McCain before Obama embarrasses himself by continuing to break the rules of the debate and look like the whiner Sean Hannity knows he is. Senator McCain, can you explain to me why the Keating Five scandal was once called your greatest error, to paraphrase you, and is now referred to you as total batshit crazy talk?

McCain: Well, my friends, the Keating Four were my friends. My friends, I want to talk to you about energy independence...

Obama: Tom, Tom! Can I--

Brokaw: Let's go to another totally boring, irrelevant, and uninspiring, vetted audience member to ask the next question...

And so on, until we all vote Bob Barr... because this kind of debate just bores us to tears...

-2:01am, after Scanner alumnus Bobby Tisdale's debate watch party & subsequent Scanner Emily-book-release-celebration drinks

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Today in Cute Things Old People Say: Faxing

Emily Farris — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:02:00 GMT

Mom to Scanner Emily: Did Jo fax you about my plane ticket?

Scanner Emily: Huh? Fax?

Mom: You know what I mean; on her phone.

Scanner Emily: Oh, text? Yes. She did.

While You Were Sleeping: The Cancer Scares

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:19:00 GMT

The Rolling Stones song "Satisfaction" technically saved one Englishman's life.

Jossip has a photo from the Ellen wedding.

Heidi Montag's new song "Overdosin'" was met by a steady stream of sales yesterday. Not really, it was made fun of mercilessly online:

Whoever wrote that song was overdosing on something.

overdosin' on stupidness

i agree this song and all of her other songs make me want to overdose too!! [Defamer]

Hayden Panettiere instructed her mom not to sell the star's panties online.

An 85-year-old woman apprehended a 17 year burglar, then made him call 911... at gunpoint.

Christina Applegate no longer has cancer, although Patrick Swayze, who still smokes, continues to battle it.

And the same idiot who sued nightclubs for discriminating against men with Ladies' Nights apparently didn't make enough money ripping off small businesses: he's now suing Columbia for teaching a history syllabus that blames men for the world's "ills."

UPDATE: Link fixed.

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Sandy Allen, World's Tallest Woman, Dies at 53

Nicole Pasulka — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:00:00 GMT

The Guiness World Record holding tallest woman died yesterday in an Indianapolis nursing home. Sandy Allen was 7-foot-9. Which is, by the way, very freaking tall. She used her height to teach school children about difference.

As you can imagine being the World's Tallest Woman was a hard road to travel even if her strides were twice as long as yours.

She wrote to Guinness World Records in 1974, saying she would like to get to know someone her own height.

"It is needless to say my social life is practically nil and perhaps the publicity from your book may brighten my life," she wrote. In this video Sandy's on the job looking dashing, but confesses she's never had a date in her life.

Here's a video of Sandy Allen on the job some years back referring to her "nil" social life.

Guess The Favorite Songs Of Your Presidential Candidate

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 19:20:00 GMT

Blender somehow convinced the two leading Presidential candidates, Obama Bin Laden and John "Older Than" MacDonald's, that its pages were relevant and well-read enough to earn two minutes of their time in order to get their Top 10 Favorite Songs In Human History...

...and you know John McCain's is gonna include all of recorded history...

BARACK OBAMA
1. Ready or Not Fugees
2. What's Going On Marvin Gaye
3. I'm On Fire Bruce Spingsteen
4. Gimme Shelter Rolling Stones
5. Sinnerman Nina Simone
6. Touch the Sky Kanye West
7. You'd Be So Easy to Love Frank Sinatra
8. Think Aretha Franklin
9. City of Blinding Lights U2
10. Yes We Can will.i.am

What the Christ? "Yes We Can," the grammatical error that launched a few thousand imitators and fourteen new voter applications is only his #10. (In full disclosure, it's a terrible, terrible "song" anyway.)

JOHN McCAIN
1. Dancing Queen ABBA
2. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
3. Take a Chance On Me ABBA
4. If We Make It Through December Merle Haggard
5. As Time Goes By Dooley Wilson
6. Good Vibrations The Beach Boys
7. What A Wonderful World Louis Armstrong
8. I've Got You Under My Skin Frank Sinatra
9. Sweet Caroline Neil Diamond
10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Platters

Dude, you're not sick to death of What A Wonderful World by now, which has been used in every movie and TV ad since it's first release in 1910? And nice try finding new music to take away some of the still-living people's votes from Obama... we're pretty sure everyone on here except Neil Diamond is dead, except some of The Beach Boys. Okay, Merle is still kicking ass... never mind, you get the point.

Luckily, Blender hired Randy Newman and Girl Talk to explain just what this is all about:

Why’d they both pick Frankie Blue Eyes?
RN: It says a lot about the long ride Sinatra got out of being phenomenal for two years in the ’40s.
Who gets your vote based solely on this list?
GT: If there’s a candidate with Fugees’ “Ready or Not” on his list, I have to vote for him.
RN: McCain has a really likeable list. Then again, Hitler liked some good music, you know?

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90-Year-Old Woman Served Lunch By Half-Naked Man (And It's Her Make-A-Wish Wish, Too)

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Normally, the St. Austel nursing home gets "final" requests for things like a golf game or a visit from the grandkids-- you know, peaceful day trips ending with a beer. They usually don't get a request from their very elderly patients for male staff members to serve fish and chips without their clothes on...

An unnamed male staff member volunteered to serve 90-year-old patient, who also remains anonymous, a "Meal of the Day" at the inhouse restaurant. Did we mention he was dressed only in a thong and a see-through apron? She told a reporter for the BBC: "I thoroughly enjoyed my fish and chips served by the half naked man." No, problem, grandma... and next time, we'll be sure to drop trou... all the way... if you're up for it... because you kick serious ass, wrinkled or otherwise.

Although this is as far as the local reporter went in describing the events, we're pretty sure that, after a nap and some bingo, the party quickly took on this kind of vibe:

More via the BBC. Top photo via.

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You're Golden, Baby: Estelle Getty Leaves Us Laughing At Age 84

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:32:00 GMT

Punks and no-good-thugs everywhere will rest easy tonight knowing Sylvester Stallone's "Mom" sadly won't be coming after them.

Always our favorite TV wiseass, Estelle Getty was criminally underused both before and after triumphant run on "Golden Girls."

Now it's too late to change that. Estelle will always be Sophia, for better or worse...

Estelle Getty, who played Bea Arthur's mother (even though Arthur was a year older in real life) on the NBC hit comedy Golden Girls (which also starred Betty White and Rue McClanahan), passed away this morning in Los Angeles. Getty was 84 years old and had been suffering from a disease known as Lewy Body Dementia for a number of years.

As the above TV squad obit goes on to mention, Getty's playing of the Sophia Petrillo character may be some sort of record, as she revamped the role on four further shows. Either way, she had a helluva ride, especially in the 80's, and there will never be another one like her.

Via TV Squad.

320 Bikini Girls Attempt To Break Pointless World Record

Brian Fairbanks — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:53:00 GMT

320 women showed up on a single British beach in attempt to a break Guinness World Record for the Most Bikini-Clad Women Photographed At The Same Time (or something similar.) Although they failed in their attempt, they did do one thing right...

The fundraising event, organised by the Middlesbrough Erimus Rotary Club, failed to beat the current Guinness World Record, set in September last year on Bondi Beach, in Sydney, Australia, when 1,010 women posed together in their bikinis.

However, it is still expected that the record attempt will have raised thousands of pounds for the Great North Air Ambulance Service, through £5 entry fees and sponsorship.

And, although a far cry from the sunny climes of Sydney, the sun did put in an appearance in Redcar today as thousands of people lined the beach to watch the women, aged from 16 to 81, taking part in the challenge.

"We had one lady of 81, we had one lady who came from Surrey purely to do this, lots of ladies from all over the north east, all shapes and sizes. Exactly what we wanted."

That's what we like: all kinds. Here's another shot from the beach:

Via the London Paper.

75-Year-Old Granny Shows Teenage Strippers What A Real Act Looks Like

Brian Fairbanks — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:40:00 GMT

You don't know how badly we want to attend this year's Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland. And that was before we found out about the star attraction, 75-year-old stripper Lynn Ruth Miller of San Francisco, a former journalist who only recently took up burlesque...

According to the Times (UK), Miller is

“living the dream” in an act that celebrates every fold and crease of her body, “revelling in the disasters” that the ageing process wreaks.

“If you want to feel old and inadequate, that's up to you, but there is a choice. I look like an old lady, I know I do, but I never suffer pain, I never get tired and it is so exhilarating to communicate with people. When I'm on stage, I'm talking to the world, saying, ‘Don't sit in your rocking chair - get out there and live',” she said.

For her show, Ageing is Amazing, Ms Miller has devised an eye-catching opening sequence that echoes Samuel Goldwyn's dictum: start with an earthquake and build up to a climax.

Her act concludes with a robe and chemises falling by the wayside, followed by a dramatic finish that leaves her clad only in an elaborate underwear getup.

And now, if it means taking off my clothes to make people notice me, why not? I'll do it,” said Ms Miller, who has been married twice. She admits that she probably terrifies her former husbands.

Right on! Don't stop, gorgeous, those losers can't handle your awesomeness. (Speaking of not being able to handle it, check out the cheap shots on Fark: "75-year old stripper to perform at this year's Edinburgh Festival. Organizers fear ticket sales will be flat, profits droop.")

We strongly recommend you check out the entire story-- there's more than we could ever excerpt.

Sloppy Seconds: American Apparel's Latest Porn Star Pick

Brian Fairbanks — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:46:00 GMT

Want an explanation of the finale of the Sopranos? Too bad, David Chase isn't going to make a movie, sources say.

The overhyped/underwhelming Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial has ended in a settlement. Now, can Hollywood please send us a real scandal for a change?

Best or worst excuse ever? Check out France's First Lady, Carla Bruni, on why her belly appears to be growing...

The model-turned-songstress says she "would certainly like to be pregnant" but is not. If her tummy has grown, it is because she enjoys an occasional beer.

Perhaps they've finally discovered Nerve: according to the Washington Post, seniors are turned on and acting on it now more than ever.

American Apparel hired another porn star. Surprisingly, it's not Julia Allison.

Karl Rove may be heading for another legal problem after her refused to testify in Congress. The Democrats could hold him in contempt, which is apparently a new thing for them.

Another country club is in trouble, this time in Phoenix, for refusing to separate the sexes. Alice Cooper allegedly had no problems eating his fried bat without any groupies present.

In a bid to offset the poor attention spans of most American TV viewers, NBC has decided it needs a webseries to introduce a new superhero to "Heroes," rather than try to work him in to the regular season. Check out the details here. Or ignore them and just stare at the above photo of Hayden, who has no part in the webisodes.

Don't forget, folks, tomorrow is Chick-Fil-A's free chicken dinner. There is a stipulation, though: you have to come dressed as a cow. We recommend the following outfit:

Thanks, Bianca!

70-Year-Old Woman Gives Birth to Twins, We Stop Worrying About Drying Up

Emily Farris — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:22:00 GMT

Over the weekend, we shamefully found ourselves on a picnic blanket with two other late-20's women, discussing the fact that while we don't want children now, we don't want to be all dried up by the time it actually becomes a possibility. While we know that's a little ridiculous, a woman reaches her fertile peak at 27. Considering we're 26 and we're more likely to end-up on Top Chef than The Bachelorette, we can't help but sometimes worry about these things. Especially after we've been swigging whiskey from a bottle and burning ourselves with sparklers.

But if a 70-year-old woman can get knocked-up, we are going to stop worrying right this second.

A couple in India was so desperate for male off spring that they spent their entire life savings and took out a bank loan for IVF treatments. Amazingly — amazingly! — it worked and 70-year-old Omkari Panwar gave birth to a 2-pound boy and a 2-pound girl.

"We already have two girls but we wanted a boy so that he could have taken care of our property. This boy and girl are God's greatest gift to us," Omkari said.

Father of the twins, Charam Singh, a farmer in his mid-70s, told ABC News he was very happy.

"The desire for a male child has always been there, but God did not bless us with a male child. Now, we are very grateful to God, who has answered our prayers," he said.

We hope they saved a little for a nanny, too.

[BBC: Woman in India 'has twins at 70']

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Condo Board Solves Housing Crisis With Nude Pool

Brian Fairbanks — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Eden Condominiums, developers of Arbors at Branch Creek, in Tampa, FL, have hatched upon a new plan to attract business. Apparently, retirees and other ancient peoples in the state are in drawn to condos with...

... a clothing-optional pool.
If approved, residents would be able to parade around in one of the complex's common wet areas, enjoying hot-tubbing, sunbathing, and swimming all in the buff.
Organizers plan to protect au naturel enjoyers from outside eyes with strategically placed shrubbery.

Strategically placed shrubbery? What, are the pool boys, cocktail servers, and the concierge going to follow around at water's edge with a rosebush (no pun intended), hoping the nudists won't make any sudden moves?

"We know there are people out there who will enjoy this amenity," said Christine Pirkle, director of sales for project-developer Eden Condominiums. [AP]

Meanwhile, the condo has seen a spike in applications from convicted camera phone pervs and paparazzi and are unsure as to the reason...

Via City News (Can.)