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Kanye and 88 Keys Shill for Viagra in New Video

Colleen Kane — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:08:00 GMT

Kanye West and his producer/pal 88 Keys got into oldface for Kanye's "Stay Up (Viagra)" video. It features lyrics like the following: "What she got is so Niagara/ Make a young n---a straight need Viagra/ Make an old n---a give keys to Jaguar/ Just to keep from all the the 'tee-hees' and laughter/ Her telling her homegirls that he couldn't stay up."

Here's the pair on the video set cutting up as dirty old men, which debuts Monday on MTV.

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5 Disturbing Products from Harriet Carter

Colleen Kane — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 14:30:00 GMT

I recently got a new catalog for olds called Harriet Carter. It's along the lines of your Fingerhut (which now sells vibrators and other adult products! Who knew?), or Lillian Vernon, although those standbys are shorter on the ridiculous products lately than they used to be. So I delved into this catalog, and was not disappointed.

Harriet Carter has bizarre products and gimmicky gadgets galore! (And in spite of myself I want a number of the items for sale in this catalog, and already own one, the appropriately named ShamWow!)

Above, silicone concealers, or as the catalog calls them, "modesty petals." Just imagine what it's like to wear these all day. Sweaty nips, never knowing if the concealers are aligned evenly, or if they're making an outline of their own, thereby creating the illusion of oversize, misshapen aereolic protrusions.

Next, the modesty panel: This "enhances low-cut necklines," i.e., hides cleavage, so nobody's pacemaker gets going too fast.

A dumb T-shirt.

Never mind the T-shirt. What is this creature's deal? Like, what is he? Is this a brunet Ken doll come to semi-life?

Below, What my family should know. You know: what they should know when you die. Because you're old.

Who's depressed?

No matter, because right here is the reason for the whole post.

Hair Cutting Umbrella.

No words neccessary.

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Conan and Cannolis Brought Out the Dirty Talk in Paula Deen

Colleen Kane — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 15:17:00 GMT

Chef Paula Deen appears so wholesome and grandmotherly, yet she let fly many a coy innuendo the other night on Late Night With Conan O'Brien.

It started out mild.

"I had a date like you once," she told Conan as he got overzealous with the Amaretto. OK, typical Conan co-cooking flirtation.

And then,

"Throw your nuts in," said Paula, followed by much mugging for the camera. Still pretty par for the course. Until...

"I'll put and you hold...shove it in...now we're going to stuff our cannoli shells...now we're going to get our shells and we're going to stick it in, here i'll help you put it in." That's what she said.

"I need a cigarette after this," said the predictably flustered Conan.

"You know that's the difference between a nice girl and a good girl?" asked Paula.

[whispers] "A nice girl will help you put it in, a good girl won't at all."

"My daddy told me that."

Sounds like Paula's daddy is creepy. Also, I don't think I ever want to eat a cannoli. The ones made in this demo by Paula and Conesey were deep fried, then dipped in colored sugars.

Watch the whole episode including a segment with the hilarious Kathy Griffin at NBC.com.

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Who'd You Rather: Adorably Artso Directors With Big White Hair

Colleen Kane — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 19:04:00 GMT

In this corner, Jim Jarmusch, and in this corner, David Lynch.

On what tenuous thread are we claiming this edition of Who'd You Rather is related to the news?

Here goes: David Lynch has a Twitter account in which he basically just gives the weather report for L.A. each morning. You can watch him do it, too, on his website. Also, one of the few Twitterers he follows is LeVar Burton, who some of you might rembember from a program called "Reading Rainbow" (also some show called "Star Trek" or something). Isn't DL loveable?

And Twitter is in the news because it broke the story of the plane in the Hudson yesterday, and also because Scanner Colleen and Scanner Emily had dual breakdowns in the past day in their resolve to not Twitter, and began tweeting or chirping or whatever you call it.

Soooo, who'd you rather?

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It's Never Too Late to Find Love and Lose Virginity

Colleen Kane — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:40:00 GMT

In a story combining the subjects of this blogger's first two posts of the day (losing the old V-card, finding love) a 107-year-old Chinese lady is finally ready to take the marriage plunge, and she's looking for a suitable bachelor her age.

Wang Guiying never married and would like to be less of a burden on her family, and so her search begins.

"What will happen if I don't hurry up and find a husband?" she is quoted asking on news.com.au. Well...the answer is obvious: she'll die. But let's hope she doesn't die first. Ms. Guiying didn't get a good impression of marriage while growing up, seing relatives scolded and abused by husbands in a time when women were lower class citizens, but you have to give a centenarian credit for being willing to give marriage a try at this late date.

And an encouraging aside to single younguns: finding a mate is a tremendous challenge, especially as the pool of singles shrinks the older you get, but at least you aren't this lady.

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Image

Clint Eastwood Calls Us a Bunch of P*ssies

Colleen Kane — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 18:01:00 GMT

Septuagenarian actor and all-around badass Clint Eastwood granted a rare interview to Esquire and is on the cover of their January 09 issue, where he held forth on topics from being an outcast flugelhorn-playing band kid to wishing he'd spent more time with his dad before he suddenly died. But neither of those are the money quote you came to this post to read.

"We live in more of a pussy generation now, where everybody's become used to saying, 'Well, how do we handle it psychologically?' In those days, you just punched the bully back and duked it out. Even if the guy was older and could push you around, at least you were respected for fighting back, and you'd be left alone from then on."

Read the other quotes here.

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Famous People We're Afraid Will Die in 2009

Colleen Kane — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:40:00 GMT

No one could have called Heath Ledger's untimely demise in 2008, but there are some olds who just take on that look of imminent death, as if their essence is draining away. It won't be long once someone takes on the death look, and no one seems to ever shake it off. Paul Newman had it this year. (RIP, Best Guy to Die in 2008.) The ones with the death look are dancing a tango with the Grim Reaper as we speak. Another dead giveaway is if you are reminded about an older celebrity and can't remember if they're dead or not.

The ones in grave danger, a few wild cards, and an example of the death look, after the jump.

Old Hollywood: Mickey Rooney -- He is going to be 89 if he makes it to his birthday in September. Unfortch, he has two factors working against him: the death look, and I couldn't remember if he was still alive or not until looking him up. Runners-up: Elizabeth Taylor, Peter O'Toole, Kirk Douglas

Comics: Don Rickels -- He's got the death look, big time.

If he makes it through 2009, I'll eat my hat. Runners-up: Jerry Lewis, Bea Arthur (too much of a loss to celebrity roasts to contemplate), Phyllis Diller, Carol Burnett

Too Soon: Amy Winehouse -- It wouldn't be surprising if she woke up dead after some party night. I hope not, but it wouldn't be surprising. Runners-up: Swayze -- He's never looked so gaunt; there may be some truth to the rumors that his cancer is getting the best of him.

Classic Country: Merle Haggard -- He's got the cancer. Lung cancer. Runners-up: Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson, not because they appear to be on death's door, but because that would be just my luck if they died before I got to see them perform live. (I will forever regret missing out on Johnny Cash.)

Rock and Soul: Fats Domino -- Death look. And I didn't realize he was still alive until he got airlifted out of the Ninth Ward during Katrina. Runners-up: Etta James -- I forgot she was still alive until Beyonce's recent portrayal.

Leaders: Ted Kennedy. Runners-up: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro, if he's still alive and not propped up for photo ops a la Weekend at Bernie's, Kim Jong-Il, if he's not already dead with an imposter or several in his place as many news reports have speculated. We have another slight possibility in mind that would also be filed under Too Soon and would involve an assasination, but it's too unthinkable to even write.

Sports: I hate sports, so who the F knowss

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Did I miss anyone obvious?

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